I think you and your husband should be open and honest with him, but it doesn’t have to be a somber experience. The next time he questions the different last names the explain the situation and also reassure him that even though they aren’t blood related does not mean he is not his dad. Kids understand more than we think.
My mom told me that my brother and sisters dad was not my bio dad when I was 9/10 I think. As I got older I tried and tried to have a relationship with my bio dad and I just couldn’t. There was no good or bad feelings there. He’s not a bad guy by any means. I call my sister and brothers dad my dad and always have. He has raised me since The day I was born. I also have an amazing step dad that has been in my life since I was 3, i’m 28 now. It has never really affected me beside “wondering”. Your his mom and you know what’s best. He’s going to find out sooner or later anyhow. And i think it would be better if YOU sat down and talked to him instead of someone else. I always respected my mom because she did this. She made it my choice to feel how I wanted about it. It was never her fault and I knew that as I got older and realized the situation.
If you are having that feeling then it’s time .I started having a feel when my son was six I sat him down and told him and I am glad I did .cause some stupid person on my husband side decided she was going to tell him when I wasn’t around and he was with my husband
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I would tell him , I found out when I was 9 from a family member and I was mad it was withheld from me by my parents. I now have an amazing relationship with my dad , mom , and ex step father. Its never going to feel like the right time but I feel like sooner is better than later. Answer his questions and be supportive. He will make his own mind up about his bio dad with time.
I was in the same type of situation as a child. My mom didn’t tell me until I was about 12 yrs old, by then I had pretty much figured it out myself.
Do what feels right in your gut. You know your son and you know his BIO dad. I also say if he isn’t reaching out, don’t force it- the universe might be keeping him out of your sons life for a reason.
So I’m currently in the same position. My daughter will be 9. She has my maiden last name and is a little tan so sees the difference with her and her siblings. My Mother decided to take me to court for grandparents rights because she felt she didn’t see my kids enough and contacted my daughters bio father. (I’ve been with my husband since she was 6months and that last contact we’ve had with her bio Dad was at 1) and even in that one year he came and went and was unreliable. The court ordered for me to have her be introduced to him and to see a therapist. The therapist said it’s best to tell the child while they are young. That with my daughter being 9 now or getting older it’s going to cause more problems than if I were to tell her if she was like 4-5. I haven’t told her yet but I have to by our next court date. Honestly it’s not fun because idk what her reaction will be.
I grew up knowing the man who raised me isnt bio dad- A dad is more then blood.
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please change his last name tell him when he ask , been there was told by my cousin that he was not my dad at 11 still did not matter until I was 18 all kinds of questions because names . it cost 50.00 then not much now if his Bio is not around do the name change .
I am my oldest son’s Adoptive mom, and my husband is his actual dad. i have been in his life since he was 6 months old and he is now gonna be 13 in a few months. I know he knew he was different by 4-5 years old (as we did a full adoption at kindergarten age) but he knew about his bio mom probably around 7 or 8 and we told him the story and he understands the situation. But currently we r torn when he asked for a picture of her (as she wasn’t the best, he was beat as a child- before 18months- and stopped coming to the court supervised visits before he was 3, she only seen him every other sun for a few hrs while we were around). He knows that she is able to just pick up the phone and call his dad (as his dads phone hasn’t changed in 10 years, and she can reach out on FB). She also told me when we did the adoption that she knows his in a good house and isn’t gonna fight it.
So I feel like alot depends on how the bio father is… we as mothers have to protect our babies… if you think he still will be uninterested wait until he’s a bit older like around 13 or so but if you think he will be involved then tell him now and explain to him
Tell him now we had the same thing happen and 35 years later my brother still holds a Grudge against my mom for not telling him
Tell him ASAP. Make sure to explain that your hubby is daddy just not his actual “father”. Kids are smarter and more resilient than given credit for. Hiding this any longer can lead to resentment in the future. Good luck!
Let him come to you and be honest when he asks. With my daughter she asked this year she’s also seven. I told her that it takes a man and a lady to make a baby, and that man that made her isn’t here, but she’s extra lucky because her daddy chose her because he loves her so much. There will be so many opinions so think about what will work for you guys
I was in that situation and my kid was older when he asked we told if they don’t ask we wouldn’t have told until he was older. He maycome to realize it on his own and not even have to ask nor say anything because he’ll think nothing of it because he’s always been there
I would say tread lightly. I think he is old enough to understand however I wouldn’t say to him that husband isn’t bio dad I would say something like there is another guy that helped make you. Even though hubby didn’t help make you he still loves you just as much as if he did. If you want to try and meet the man that did help make you we can set that up… I guess I’m not the best advice for this but that’s just my look on it. My 7 and 9 year old know how babies are made because I had that conversation with them so I think in their experience they would know what I ment and they don’t understand what bio means so if I were to tell them their dad isn’t their bio dad I feel they’d be very confused.
I went through this exact same situation. Here’s my advice: tell him when he starts asking questions. Never lie to him or he may have resentment towards you. Just be straight forward about it. Now when it comes to bio father, yes give him a chance to know him someday, but now is not the time. Don’t contact that man asking him to see his child if he clearly does not want to. So say something like: “this man is not your father, but he is your daddy. He loves you and wants you to be his son, and you can be. You have a real dad out there, but it’s not a good time to meet him right now” and leave it at that
From the experience of a friend, tell him. He’s going to be more hurt if he finds out and you’ve said nothing.
My daughter is 8 and recently found out her adopted/step dad is not her biological dad. She doesn’t understand the logistics of “biological” so that’s made it a little more challenging… I wish she would have been much older before she had to find out.
Depends on maturity level, my daughter was 6 when I told her about her bio father, she understood, not all kids will at that age though
Maybe explain there are two types of daddy’s in a way she would understand.
IMO, your husband is his dad. If his father/sperm donor wants to show an effort and you’re comfortable, sit with the whole family (you, your husband and your son) and talk.
When he is about 18 yrs old or more, when he can understand that it really doesn’t make a difference. Love is all that matters.
Everyone should know who they are. Trust that he will see the truth and make his own decisions.
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He is still your son’s biological father, he has the right to know and the father has the right to know and see his son. I would say get a mediator of family advocate involved on how to proceed and so on. Good luck.
My son is 11 and I’ll be telling him after his 12th bday. Kids that young aren’t able to understand and process I think. My sons bio dad I’m had never been around and hardly tried. It’s been almost 10 years. I also have two kids with my fiancé and he never really asks why there last names are different. My oldest son hasnt had his dad around either and once he knew about his dad it kinda ate at him why didn’t my dad want me?
It’s tough on kids.
My son came to me and my (soon to be ex) husband when he was 5 years old, right after his sister was born and asked my husband to adopt him, he wanted the McCarthy last name like everyone else… He has known forever his dad is not his biodad… my son was 3 before his dad came along… we did explain who his biodad was… and my sons response was, he had 5 years to be apart of my life and he doesnt want to see me and doesn’t want me around and doesn’t love me… I wanted daddy to adopt me… we started the paperwork process and was able to adopt him before he started 1st grade… he dropped his first name bc that’s his biodads 1st name… he kept his middle name and made it his 1st name… its what I called him ever since he was in my belly… so there was nothing really to change but his last name… and legally change his first name… his biodad signed the adoption papers infront of the process server… so it was super easy… he still knows he has 2 dads… and he will be 13 in April…
We told my step son that I wasn’t his birth mom when he was 7. I was the only thing he knew up until 3 years ago when his birth mom came back into the picture from being addicted to herion.
I’m wondering if, in casual conversation, you can start saying things like, gosh son, you really look a lot like your biological dad. Maybe when he’s ready/curious he’ll ask what you mean. Then you can give him age appropriate explanations.
I was 7 when i found out that the man who i thought was my dad wasn’t because i over heard a conversation. He had raised me since i was 14 months. I dont remember it effecting me one way or another. He was my dad till the day he died. I was 50 when he died. My bio dad i didnt meet till i was around 10 or 11 . It was awkward and most of the time i didnt wanna visit. Noone forced me. We didn’t have a real relationship till i was in my 30’s. We have a great relationship now but it never took away from my dad who raised me.if you want to tell him and you feel he can handle it tell him that he has 2 dads that both love him. And leave it at that. If he wants to talk about it he will if not let it go. But you can bet he will find out so better hear from you and your husband( his dad) then someone else. Good luck never put his Bio dad down in front of him. Does he know his bio dads family?
My sister & I were adopted by our dad when we were 1 &2. We were told we were special because Daddy picked us to be his girls. My sister & I only met our Bio once.
I will tell you, my kids are 8 and 6 and my husband has raised them since they were 2 and 4. My 6yo didn’t know they had “another dad” until this year and it had a bad effect on him. He “wanted to be involved” then disappeared again after 3 visits and left my boys really hurt and confused. I wish they never knew he existed. My husband has never treated them differently than our other two boys and they have the best dad ever! Blood doesn’t mean anything and in time yeah, you’ll want to tell him. But with everything else going on in the world, it may not be a good time.
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You need to let him know. You and only you know your son. Is he mature for his age? If this man is not his biological father, but has been a great “dad” that all he will hear. I would say if he is mature enough then the sooner the better. And remember this…your husband is NOT the Stepdad…he’s the Dad that STEPPED UP. Good luck
Maybe you can say it like you had a different dad before this dad??? I’m honestly not sure about it. It can go either way and seems to be an impossible choice
My oldest son is adopted. His bio dad is my husband’s brother and the bio mom was never in the picture. He was 5 when we sat him down and told him. It’s all in how you tell them is what makes the difference. But my son has always said always Uncle Dan is my “birth” father and my Dad is my Dad. And that’s exactly how we told him. Birth father and birth mother
Yes tell him the truth now this way he won’t hold it against you or his real dad or his bio dad. I promise he will understand even at this young of an age.
Start conversations with, “when daddy came into our lives” or “before we knew daddy” and see where the questions take you. Whether he asks them or not, he will begin to know.
Tell him soon I waited till my son was 12 and he did not take it well started to hate his stepdad and now we don’t talk and it breaks my heart
Do it now. He is old enough to understand and it doesn’t change the fact that your hubby is daddy. That will not change
Personally just from the sound of your post I wouldn’t say anything unless it’s brought up, he’s already noticed the last names being different so maybe start there next time it gets brought up but at 7 I wouldn’t pull him into my room and be like sit down we need to talk. His bio dad doesn’t even sound like he wants to see him so not sure why you would tell him in the first place. So he can ask to meet his bio dad and then you can be like actually he doesn’t want anything to do with you I just felt I should drop this life changing news on you with no solution to the feelings that will come of it.
Tell him. Tell him The truth. He’s old enough to understand. Do it kindly. Speak ill of no one. Say it to your child and let it be done. Don’t make an issue out of it. Don’t make him feel different. Just do not lie to him. And be there if he ever has questions.
Exact same situation here. My son is 10 now. I tried to have a conversation about it around 7 but he just didn’t get it. My husband and I have always said we will tell him. I always worry he will resent us.
My sons bio dad came back in the picture after being Mia for 7 years. My son asked to meet him, so we set something up and hes been in his life ever since. My son son thinks my dad who is his pop pop and my soon to be husband as dad as well. So to my son he was three dads. Two that have always been there for him and his bio dad. It was the best decision. He knows he’s loved. One thing I made clear is that this isn’t a revolving door ( I suck at spelling) that if he came into his life he needed to be consistent and stick to his word. Now me and my soon to be hubby co parent with his dad and his dads wife and we all get along.
Can you make it special when you tell him, like he’s noticed the last names maybe explain to him he’s not his dad and maybe see if he wants to change his last name too
Someone told my stepson at 14 they definitely waited too long so as soon as he noticed the different last names he should have been told that he carried his real , blood , or Bio ) fathers last name… also let him know that your stepdad loves you just as much as any father could love him!!! Do it quickly so his life isn’t disrupted much if & when his father decides to step back in the picture
I would wait mama, at least until you can seek advice from a child therapist
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As someone who found out at 16, I felt betrayed. I wish my parents would have told me at a much younger age. I felt so lied to and I couldn’t trust any of them after that
My Dad raised me from 2 months old… never knew ( still to this day ) my Bio Sperm Donor . My mom tole me as soon as I knew right from wrong. Dont hide it from him that will only cause resentment. But also know the hurt your child may feel when you tell him and Bio doesnt make an effort to be involved. Ultimately YOU are MOM and only YOU know your child. If you decide to tell him, just tell him with love and understanding. I wish you and your family the best.
What does your husband say ? His opinion ? Secrets are not good and the longer you go. I think I would maybe you should start slowly. A little at a time.
Tell him as soon as he’s old enough to understand. Somebody else told me and I was devastated. I did not make a difference that my dad was not my biological dad. It was the fact that people kept it from me that was the problem.
Can his dad adopt him and you guys change his last name to match? If so, I’d tell him when everything is changed.
Just say he’s not your bio dad but he lives you so much he did the best thing he could to show you how much you are wanted and If ge still wants to know his bio dad, let him.
You do need to tell him. My husband adopted my oldest daughter at age 4 and she always knew. Her biological father was a waste of skin and bones. She never knew him but I didn’t want her to find out by accident.
I went through this with my son. He was around 8 when he asked questions. We decided to tell him.
Now. It shouldn’t be a secret. But don’t say he isn’t his “real” dad…because a real dad is the one who is there. I would imagine there are children’s books about this very topic.
One is his forever daddy, one is the father that helped to create him in love (at the time).
Ask him if he would like to have his Daddy’s name?
My daughter is 9 and knows my husband is her dad because he WANTS to be but someone else helped make her
I told my son that my husband who is his daddy and was not his bio dad and he had a hard time understanding. I’m glad he knows but I felt I did it too soo
I didn’t find out until I was 13 and by then it was too late cuz my dad passed away… I decided to tell my daughter the truth when she was 7/8. Its hard at first cuz she only knew my ex husband as her dad but then again he was there since birth. Her real dad (nino) has recently came back into her life and she’s 15. So it is up to her to accept him knowing he was never around. But then again my situation is very difficult to explain. You can message me to talk more.
I told my twins when they were 6 and now they’re 11 and still have a good relationship with my husband and myself 
As someone who’s been in the child’s shoes as soon as he asks. Just dont lie. Keep it pg until he’s older and inquires more
Eta my bio dad told me who he was to me when I was 11 in a fit of anger. My mom had told me my dad knew about me when I was 7 and asked about an old photo album I found playing dress up in her closet… My adopted dad told me my bio never wanted me, when that wasn’t the case. To say it screwed me up for a long time would be an understatement.
Think this should be discussed with your husband and both of you should be involved… my dad was not my bio…and Looking back, I couldnt have cared less about the bio…I had a dad…when I found out caused problems between my parents… my dad was upset that My mom didn’t discuss with him and felt that he should have been part of the discussion…
No need to tell him… your husband stepped up when bio dad stepped down… all he needs to know is that man he calls DAD is his dad period
Soon. I grew up believing that my dad was my dad. At the age of 32 I found out otherwise. The lies is what hurt the most
I’m probably wrong but my opinion is don’t tell him it will cause more harm than good and considering bio dad wants nothing to do with him believe me if it ain’t broke don’t fix it
I say now. When they are teens they are so much more emotionally unsound. Tell him now while it’s a curiosity to ask questions, not a resentment for hiding the truth. But best to see a counselor before hand and during, as a family. To help guide you through the process. And family counseling is always a good healthy thing anyway.
My daughter is 9 and my husband’s been in her life since she was 6 months old. He legally adopted her and we changed her last name 3 years ago. She does not know he’s not her bio dad. We are holding off until we feel she’s mature enough to understand, because I know there will be questions and I want to answer them honestly which answers about sperm donor would not be suitable for a 9 year old… However, I do not think she will resent us or be angry with us. My husband has 2 sons, the oldest is not biologically his but he has also raised him his entire life. Our daughter knows this and says all the time that daddy is his daddy because love is stronger then blood. Total we have 5 children. #1 not biologically husband’s, #2 biologically husband’s #3 our daughter who he legally adopted #4 and #5 are our boys together.
I had to tell my son and he is 7. He took it hard but we talked about it and I explained everything. Initially he was asking lots of questions and I told him the truth about things. I said when he is older if he wants to find his dad I would support that. But whilst he is young I just want to keep him safe.
It’s been 7 years. His dad is your husband. Who cares about his sperm donor.
Tell him when your husband is sure he wants to adopt him. Have your sons input and ask him if it’s okay to change his last name
I’m not a mother (yet, I’m expecting) but speaking as a child who was in the same shoes as your son you should tell him when he starts asking tons of questions. I used to ask my mother why i had a different last name than her and my dad and my brothers. I used to ask questions like “who’s nose do i have? Because it doesn’t look like yours or dads” i was about 9 or 10 when she sat me down, showed me a picture or two of him and told me the truth in an age-friendly way. She made it easy to understand and stressed that i could always ask questions if i ever had any more. Another thing i appreciated was that she never bad-mouthed my bio dad. She told me their story and why he wasn’t in my life but said “if you ever want to meet him you’re more than welcome to. You can form your own opinions on the situation”
Sooner the better, my mother dropped that bomb on me when I was 13 and it messed me up pretty bad…
As a parent that has been in your shoes, I will say yes he has a right to know. My kids knew that my husband was not their bio daddy but they also saw their bio dad walk away. With that being said don’t push him towards the bio dad. Tell him that your husband stepped up and took care of him when y’all were married and that your husband loves him just like his own. Give him the option of seeing his bio dad. Show that you have tried and are trying. Don’t make him have anything to do with his bio dad if he doesn’t want to because later that may hurt him. On another note my kids despise their bio dad for walking away. My kids do not claim him and my son’s do not have his name as they chose to change it. I never taught my son’s the hate but he did when he walked away and never came back. We had a decent relationship.
I was eight when my older brother told me. Do it before someone else does. ( they may intentionally or not)
Don’t you think he should know for future medical reasons? Or does biodad have any other children…hopefully your son doesn’t date his sister or cousin in the future? I think he will resent you if you tell him when he is older. I don’t know the magic age but not when he is nearing teenage years. Just my 2 cents…
Yes I wouldn’t say anything. Tell him when he’s older. It will only make him sad.
Don’t tell him just make sure the bio dad can’t come into your lives causing issues. Have bio dads rights taken away ( heck your state) and have your husband listed as father and that’s that
I can’t tell you what to do. It’s your family. I can only tell you that finding out later turned our family upside down and we are still trying to recover, some 7 years later.
The sooner the better…the older he gets and you keep this a secret, besides being hurt, he might get angry.
Well I wanted to tell my daughter earlier than my husband but we did at age 12 and really it should of been younger . I think u could tell him now as long as ur husband is on board
Personally I would only say something if/when he asks questions on his own.
You will tell him,this is your present dad
There is a way you can explain to him that is suitable for his age
Would your husband adopt him that way he is truly dad
Tell him ASAP. It shouldn’t be no secret or no big deal. But also tell him, blood doesn’t define family.
My mom sat me down right about that age to let me know i had a different dad. Kinda made me feel better even at that age cuz i looked so different from my mom and sister and always wondered. Ofc, he proved to be a deadbeat. My mom let me learn that on my own. She never said a word against him. Have mad respect for that
I agree. lol my girls he probably already knows because of different last names. My girls new once they started school the figures it out themselves
I can’t imagine how heartbroken you must feel but I definitely do agree with a lot of the previous comments…a parent has nothing to do with Science but rather who raised him and was there for him so with that said Maybe wait until he starts asking and if he doesn’t within a couple years then maybe set an age when he’s past the “beginning” of his teens?
I would tell him now so he doesn’t have any resentment towards you later on.
When he is older! Such a young man now. What is the hurry???
They told me when I was 11 and boy did it mess with my mind. I had the same last name but knew I was treated differently. Dont tell him until you need to. Too young. Its confusing.
Don’t tell him unless he asks about it. That’s his dad and the only one he has known leave it as that
Be honest with him.if you don’t he will resent you for it.
Don’t if all he knows is him why take that away from both son amd father? I was 4 when my step-fathered entered my life he took on me and both of my brothers my mom was pregnant with my younger brother all he knew was my dad he never asked until one day after he was in his late teens my mom told him my brothers didn’t care if had my dad for 34 years and each one of those years I had wished he was my birth father because I met that sperm donor when I was 16 and he wasn’t worth meeting so if he doesn’t ask don’t tell him unless it’s medically needed information
Now…I was told I was adopted at 5 years old before I went to school.
Do something special with him and explain it to him. It may be hard and he may not understand quite yet.
It takes more than sperm to be Dad.
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My grandson has not seen his bio dad since he was 6 months old he is now 27. Bio dad has had several chances to see his son but chooses not to. He has had a step dad since age 3 and it’s the only dad he knows. We didn’t have to tell him he was his step dad he just kinda knew cuz he is a black man and my grandson is white
I would tell him as soon as you think he can understand the info. kids are snart and kind. It’s good to be the parent who is honest as possible in this situation.
As soon as possible. How do you expect your kids to trust you and tell you their truths with a big lie or kept information from them??
The earlier the better, my cousins daughter find out on her16 birthday and she was devastated
Explain it as it is his step dad has been there tfor him and biological dad is not bothered hes just a sperm donation sooner you talk the better shouldn’t change life just truth out open hope goes well for you