That IS his dad. Blood doesnt mean ANYTHING! Bio dad has no interest so why push it? only your son will end up hurt. Sure he should know but don’t make it out to him that your husband is NOT his father because he IS that boys father just not his bio dad.
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I think only you will know when he is ready, as for BIO Dad suddenly wanting to be in his life, I’d maybe wait and see how persistent he is and then if he is persistent, tell him due to the circumstances he doesn’t know anyone else as Dad, see if he has any suggestions to ease the transition. Perhaps they could meet without you having to tell him that it’s his Dad at first. I think no matter the age it’s going to be a shock for him, the important part is that he knows he has you and husband who love him unconditionally.
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Very similar situation here, although my husband adopted my daughter so we had to tell her when she was younger.
We told her that she had a dad before but he wanted her to have the very best life so he decided to let her be with her dad now. She asks about him occasionally, but because she’s never really known him, it’s more out of curiosity rather than emotion.
Never changed her relationship with my husband and also helps to never have to hide anything from her.
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i was in that same situation as a kid … i wish i would have not known . i couldnt have that bond with my bio dad bc another man raised me . it tore me apart . leave it alone
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It depends on your sons maturity. Id ask a child psychologist for when the time is right. Not rely on others opinions. There’s so many factors to consider. Just make sure he knows just because your husband isnt his “BIO” dad doesnt mean he loves him any less or is less his dad. Matter of fact Dad choose to be his daddy in his heart first.
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I went through the same situation. My husband had been in my daughter’s life since she was 6 months old. I tried telling my daughter when she was 7 years old. She didn’t quite understand so I waited a year. She fully understood then. It was heartbreaking for her but it was something that had to done. She is grown now and still loves her dad, my husband, and has no resentment or any negative feelings. The best way to do this is to make sure they completely understand what you are telling them. All kids are different in their maturity levels.
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He needs to be told now. While he still young. The older he gets the more resentment he will have for you not telling him. Speaking from experience.
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My daughter is adopted. She came to us at 5 months, and was officially adopted when she was a year and a half. Even though she is not old enough to know about adoption, we have always spoken openly about it and used the word in our normal conversation. I know it’s a slightly different circumstance, but our main concern was that we didn’t want someone else telling her before we did, so for that reason, it’s always been something we’ve talked about. I think the best advice is to sit him down and just have an open conversation. If he’s a bright kid, he probably already knows and may just be waiting on you to bring it up. Hiding it or not confirming makes it seem like it’s wrong or something that should be hidden, when in reality, it is a beautiful thing that your husband has stepped up. Kids understand love, and they are resilient, but if you wait too long, he may feel like he’s been deceived.
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Tell him some children are the CHOSEN ones and he is one of them. Some are born to their fathers and with others they are so special that their fathers CHOOSE them!
Tell him. I say do it when they are younger. My nephew found out when he was about 16 that he was adopted. It really affected him emotionally and had a hard time. In our teens we have so much going on with hormones and drama I don’t think it is a good time.
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You’re a mom, you have that instinct. Dont let anyone tell u you’re wrong for your decisions, or have shame guilt. If you want to tell him, hes old enough to understand.
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As someone who was adopted and never found out until I was 13, I would say tell him. It doesn’t have to be this bad or heartbreaking thing. Just explain it in a way that lets him know that his step dad is still his dad and loves him.
Not finding out until I was 13 gave me hard core identity issues. I always felt something was off or different. It really messed me up a great deal I felt lied to and betrayed.
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Only tell him if he brings it up. When I had my oldest daughter her father and I separated when she was 6mo old, so she was very much used to living with dad and mom separately. When I remarried I explained to her that there are different types of fathers (father, grandfather, stepfather, godfather) so she had a stepfather and a father. This may be able to help explain that he has a father that has never been around but has a stepfather who has been there his entire life.
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Ooohhh tough one … there is no right answer but if this man has stepped up n been there for your son all these years n is good n cares for him he is essentially his dad IMO… Takes more than DNA to raise a baby n be a father … the truth here is the best solution… time will do the rest. 
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Was just going to say the same…have your husband adopt him first, and when you tell him about his name change, tell him why.
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fATHER IS ONLY A WORD…UNLESS THERE HAS BEEN A RELATIONSHIP, tHE MAN WHO HAS SHARED HIS LIFE FOR THE MAJOR PART OF HIS LIFE IS THE “FATHER FIGURE” AT THIS POINT. hE CAN STILL SHARE A RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH…IF EITHER OF THEM CHOOSE TO…mY CHILDREN BOAST THE FACT THAT THEY HAD TWO WONDERFUL “FATHERS”…
My two oldest brothers have a different bio dad, but my dad has raised them and they see him has their dad they want nothing to do with their bio dad. Honestly leave it alone unless he starts asking questions
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That is a touchy situation. If like you said he realizes the last names are different but has not ask why I would leave it alone. Kids are smart and if your husband treats him like his let them have it. Does his biological fathers family have anything to do with him? I know as being a mom and a grandmother if one of my sons had a child and were not involved I sure would still want to be apart of their lives.
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Children are so much smarter and more intuitive than we give them credit for . They see, and hear everything . A friend told her son when he was 8, somehow he already knew , he just took it in stride , and said ok. Of course all children are different . 
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I met my husband when my son was 17 months old. We never hid from him that he wasn’t his bio, ever. Because of that, it was a non issue
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No ? He has a father that as far as he’s concerned has always loved him… You’re gonna tell him not only is that NOT his bio dad but his actual dad has never wanted to see him ? For what ? A man that’s never wanted him… your son is happy let him be a kid . Explain biology when he can actually understand it.
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Sounds like you know the answer. You are his mom and the expert for your child. If you are starting to have those thoughts in your head than it sounds like you feel it’s time. Trust your own gut/intuition.
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When my daughter was 9 I told her the truth. She had 2 dads. The one who shared her DNA and the one who raised her.
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My son is about to turn 7 and we were in the same boat. Me and his dad told him at 5 right before school started (he figured out his last name was different) we basically worded it as “when you were a baby, there was another man around but he wasnt ready to be a dad. Then mommy and daddy met. He thought you were so special he wanted to be your daddy forever”
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But your husband is his dad? Change his last name. If he seriously asks be honest but I think 7 is too young. My dad told me I wasn’t his at that age and I couldn’t get my head around it x
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I was 13 when I found out that my dad wasn’t my real dad. I honestly wish they never told me the truth. My dad will always be my dad. Blood or not.
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There’s so much happening in the world right now, that what children need is stability, comfort and love. Personally, I would wait for his own well being. Start taking the time to really think about how you want to approach this and what his reactions could potentially be. This will be the toughest conversation you will ever have so make sure you are prepared and make sure your child is ready for this. Your child, your timeline. I’m in the same boat. Bless your heart and you’ll know when the time is tight.
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My son was 11 when he found out. He has a different last name and has a father figure so he kinda just shrugged it off and said, yea I kinda figured. I feel like if all his needs are met, and he’s emotionally secure, he’ll be fine. Do what you know is best for YOU and YOUR SON. Not for all these judgemental “experts” on here. He’d never asked but I’m having another baby and he didn’t understand why the baby wasn’t going to have his last name. He’s not stupid but it was like he was blocking it out.
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Similar situation bf been their dad since they were 4 & 2 but I haven’t told my daughter’s yet. They only know him as their real father. Their biological dads chose not to be apart of their lives. I wouldn’t know how to tell my daughter’s that their biological sperm donors didn’t care about them to be apart of their lives. Plus I think we’re better off & my daughter’s are better off with my bf as their father now. He accepts & loves them as his own.
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I didn’t tell my son until he was 11 under some extreme conditions it came out and he hates me for lying to him ( he had a different last name and looks very different From his sister’s) he had asked many many many times as he got older and I would lie. My ex abused me badly and was not his bio Dad( I was threatned with violence if I told my son about his bio Dad) and was in jail looking at 13 plus years and my son felt doubly abandoned it broke my heart but his bio Dad stepped up and they have an amazing relationship I wish I could have forgiveness from my son but I get it all that time he could of had to get to know one of his favorite people and I broke his trust. The more you let him choose the better he will trust you with his best interest and be able to lean on you and your partner for support. Best of luck
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Everyone’s situation is different. Obviously with different outcomes. The important thing is for your child to know it’s not his fault. His bio dad is suppose to be an adult. Responsible for his own negligence, in not wanting to be a part of the life of a GREAT kid. Bio Dad’s lost.
We raise kids not to lie and to be honest. We should be examples for our kids…I have know Idea at what age would be appropriate for “the talk” maturity is not age related. I know 60 year olds that have not matured.
Sounds like your has a great male role model.
I never knew my bio Mom and my daughter never knew her bio Dad.
We both knew our bios names. As adults we worried about possible genetic health issues.
Follow your head and heart. Good luck !!!
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My oldest daughter is not my biological daughter we had to tell her when she was young cause of people kids saying things to her like her sister didn’t look like her…when we did tell she was ok… she saw me as her mother since 21/2 ,3 years old. She knew when she was 9 the truth, then we had to tell her sister. And her baby sister they were great never looked at each but sisters.
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This is hard, if I were you I would just tell him when he is past ten, when you know he is a little more mature to handle the information and do it in a calm setting with a therapist that way he can learn how to process his feelings about this, but if bio dad is coming around then just tell him with your husband and let him know the his DAD will always be there for him even if he is not his blood, he will see who was there and who wasn’t. My daughter is 9 almost 10 this year, her dad was in n out for the first 2 years of her life. He left the country when she was 2 and a few month. My bf has been in her life since she was 1 and 3 months old. She would call him daddy and never did i hear her call her bio dad anything, well not in front of me and she was so serious when he was around and tense. She really didn’t take to her bio dad since birth, I don’t know why, but she took to my bf right away like the first day they met. She’s known since the beginning that her daddy is not her bio one, but she could care less at school she will introduce him as her DAD. I have almost no contact with bio, but he does has fb page (which we are not friends) and once in a blue moon he will send a msg asking about her. Last time I heard from him was before May last year, he asked if she could call him for his bday which to be honest i forgot about and she did not call, but he didn’t for her bday in May either. She does not ask about him, but know she has siblings from him, he has 6 in total, 3 whom he has not contact with and 3 he lives with and that is all she cares about, she says one day she will look for them because they are blood. Not once have I spoken bad about him to her because one day I hope she finds him and asks him why he wasn’t around and he better say the truth. All she knows is that he left to go work in another country (which is a lie i said to her) but I know the day will come when she will ask me and I will have to tell her my side.
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We told our daughter at age 5 before my husband legally adopted her. We didn’t want her to find out later and resent us for it. We answered all her questions honestly without bashing her bio dad (he signed over rights for adoption). She is now 13 and very strong and independent. Shes close with her biological aunt and grandmother but does not want to meet her bio dad…she says she has a dad who loves her and needs Nothing else. In my opinion honesty now will save you from resentment later.
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I told my son at age 10. He understood everything and I was completely honest with everything
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So I was 7 when my family told me I was adopted. They explained everything and answered all my questions. If you’re struggling then maybe it’s time. Being open with your son is not a bad thing. Helping him understand it had nothing to do with him and that this man he has known as his father chose him and keeps choosing him.
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I think 7 is to young…maybe leave it alone until he starts asking questions about the difference in name. He is going to wonder why this man wants nothing to do with him, WHY he ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIS BIO DAD TO WANT TI KNOW HIM.
I have a stepdad that’s been in my life since I was 5, and I know my real dad—-my daughter is now 11 and my dad has never once sent her a card or bought her a gift for ANY occasion, yet he wants pictures and stuff of her—I constantly question why I let her know him, knowing that she has a grandpa that would give her the world 
and actually knows her as a person!
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I completely understand your concerns but honestly no one can tell you when it is the right time. I was in the same situation as you. My son was 2 when I met my husband and then we had a child together. I didn’t tell my son until he was about 17, however, my husband did adopt him so we all have same last name. With that said, “our” child that we biologically have together just found out this year and he is 16. He reacted more to the news than his brother did. But it was more of a “Mom was with someone other than Dad” reaction. Neither of my kids care. They know they have the same DAD that would die for either of them.
I would have preferred my son never find out but I started having panic attacks thinking he would find out from someone other than me. So my opinion, it doesn’t matter when you tell him as long as you are the one to tell him.
Good luck with your decision!
You should have told him a long time ago in my opinion, now he will be struggling with his identity and may start acting out.
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I was told at 15 that the dad I thought was my dad was not. This hurt emotionally. My siblings would no longer accept me as their own. I felt unwanted and not loved. I did meet my biological father then but my mother always said bad things about him so I could never truly get to know him. He has now passed and I have many unanswered questions.
I had a daughter and I told her right away. She now has abandonment issues. My husband even adopted her and she is not close with him or bio dad.
Honesty is best but make them understand that you love them no matter what they think and choices were made but not because of them.
Most important thing while telling him, is letting him know it changes nothing, he is still loved exactly the same as before and he is still just as special. Kids need that.
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Trust your instincts, you know your child better than anyone. If he knows now rather than later on it may save a lot of resentment for keeping it from them. Kids are smarter and stronger than we give them credit for, however I think teenage years would probably not be a good time to tell them since they’re already going through some major changes within themselves.
I was in roughly the same situation, and I found out when I was 10. I feel like I was able to handle it at 10 in a way I couldn’t have at 7.
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I was raised by my step father I never knew my father. He avoided us because of child support. My mom always told me that my step father was my dad blood didn’t make a father. He even adopted me so we could have the same last name.
A friend was in your situation but decided to wait until her son was older . In the meantime the son grew and got a job his father came in and introduced himself . The son was so mad at his mom he ran away from home and will not have anything to do with her . He says she lied to him his entire life . I can’t tell you what to do but do suggest talking with your sons doctor and or preacher/ pastor .
I was 7 when my stepsister told me that our dad was not my dad. My mom and stepfather wasn’t ready to tell me or my sister (she was about 9 or 10 I think when told). It wasn’t until I was in my 20s when I finally got to meet my father and his side of the family. We are okay now. I have two other siblings that are in there 20s now and we talk a few times a month.
. But with all this said you are his mother and it is up to you. Not everyone is going to have the same outcome as I did.
What ever you decide keep up the good work of showing him he is loved and that your husband is always going to be there and nothing is to change that. An take it on step at a time and when the time come. Be as open as you can and answer his questions the best way you can Good luck Momma and best wishes
He needs to be told now. When I was 17, I found out that my daddy was not my biological father. To say the least, I was devastated. My mom passed away 2 years later, so we never got to talk about it. I found my biological dad 4 years later and he died a year later. Very sad. Not knowing what could have been.
I know the struggle of telling when is the “right” time. I don’t think there ever is…but you know your son more than anyone.
Things I looked into when I told my daughter the man she calls dad wasn’t her biological father. He raised her since she was 15months.
•school/academics - I didn’t know how my daughter would react so I didn’t want the news to affect her
•age - maturity level to understand and intake such news
• relationship with my daughter - made sure we established a good and healthy relationship way before and after the news
We told my daughter the beginning of summer which she was about 12 years old at the time. Made sure we acknowledged her feelings, let her know she was free to express her feelings, ask about him, see pictures if she wanted, but she took it a lot better than I thought. Till this day (she’s almost 15) she hasn’t asked about him but I feel a huge weight off my shoulders that I’m no longer withholding anything from her.
Because of things like ancestry.com and blood tests, I would tell him… I live in a small town and everyone knew everything and my nephew was told guy an old drunkard his dad wasn’t his biological dad and it ruined him. He resented his dad and his mom for withholding it all those years and they’ve never been the same. They will find out… and it’s best to tell him with both you and the dad raising him… lots of love and lots of hugs regardless of anger and allowing information to process
Why does it have to be a big dramatic reveal? Our children are adopted. It is their story and they were told their story since they were infants. They loved hearing their story. It was a truth in our family.
As someone who was adopted and ALWAYS knew (I don’t remember being told I was so young), I feel waiting could create resentment and anger the longer it takes to tell him. Of course blood doesn’t mean anything - that is his dad. BUT, I think the reason I never felt a need to find my bio parents was truly because I was never blind sided by it. I was chosen by my parents who were very honest about my adoption.
If he’s starting to put pieces together then yes tell him. I was adopted and was putting pieces and no one said anything til a sibling found me at the age of 23.
Maybe point out the things he’s noticing and then slowly introduce they fact that they don’t share the same blood but very much is his dad. And let him process.
I honestly know that you must feel scared if his reaction but honestly it isn’t that bad.
I was missing parts of myself for such a long long time. Your giving him something that I honestly can’t explain in words.
Tell him how your husband took him in and loved him. Both of you should be telling him together, I think.
My situation was a little different. Bio wanted nothing to do with him. My husband has been around since before he was 1. We did an adoption shortly before he was 3. Our judge was amazing and met with a psychologist with us. Together we decided to make it more like a wedding instead of an adoption. It was all about his new name. He is 11 now. I still touch base with the psychologist and he has recommended we not tell him, at least for the time being. My son is an emotional person and we all feel this is the best choice. Some might not agree, but they also don’t know the whole story. And that’s fine. It’s not their story. I would do what your heart tells you is best. Maybe consult with someone who knows your child well, like maybe a school guidance counselor. But in the end it is your decision. You know your child better than anyone else. But I understand questioning this decision, it is our job as moms to wonder if we are doing the right thing 
I was a single mom til my lil one was 5 bio dad has never wanted to know her and she knows my husband now is not her bio but tells me she wishes he was always around. 8years old now and she’s never asked who her bio dad was. She has never felt unloved enough to search for love elsewhere. I grew up same situation she did and my mom made me feel unloved once she remarried and I searched and opened a big can of worms. Just because people can breed doesn’t mean they can parent let your child be loved 
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My mother told me when I was 10 as well. I think he is very impressionable at this age and it could hinder the relationship between your husband and him
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I would just tell ur son the bit about his father not being his bio father I wouldn’t offer a relationship w/ his real father simply because he has never shown interest & I wouldn’t want to throw my son in a situation that his bio father feels obligated to b involved then do something horrible just let him know that even though his father as he knows is not his real dad he is his father by heart & leave it at that
If he’s not questioning the different names yet he is not ready, or wanting, to know.
Wait until he brings it up. Kids are smart, when he wants the answer he will ask.
Doing it before he’s ready, just because you are, might not be the right time for him.
I personally would have kept him informed on that from day 1 but u need to sit him down and explain the difference between a ‘father’ and a ‘dad’ his father helped make him but his dad is the one helping raise love and care for him there is a BIG difference between the 2. And he is definitely old enough to know it’s really a question of when r u and the hubby ready. B prepared for him being hurt by u keeping this info from him and him asking questions about his father. B honest and forthright with any information u have that he wants use this to build trust and honesty
Each child is different and I think that when you tell him isn’t nearly as important as HOW you tell him. Your husband was there for him because he wanted to, not because he HAD to and continues to choose to be involved because he loves and cares for him. I’d say nothing negative about bio dad other than that he, for his own reasons, wasn’t able to be there at that point in his life and you’re so grateful that your husband was there to be just what he needed. This puts the focus on the blessing that his true dad is in his life and always will be.
I told my son he had an “extra” father. I hated “bio” and “real”. And I told him his other dad was like a fun loving big brother always having fun with good intentions but rarely making it to appointments. I said he’s just a little absent minded. So when/if he didn’t show he was prepared and already knew it had nothing to do with him.
All worked out great, he asked for more steak. 
. He’s 27 now.
My son is adopted i started telling since he was small but able to understand he has a belly mom and a heart mommy he is now 10 ,11 next month im happy we talk about it evan tho he knows, I’m the only mom he has known. I was blessed to be able to bring him home from the hospital
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I think the earlier the better. Better the child finds out now then from a friend or family member. The child may resent you for keeping this information hidden. Honesty is always best. Just my opinion but do what you think is best as his mom.
I would tell him. He’ll find out eventually and when he does, you’re going to want to be the person he finds out from. He will also eventually be curious about his BIO dad. It’s going to be a shift in the tide for sure but it’s going to happen. The question is; what time line do you want to deal with it during? Young years or older years. We always have our children’s best interests and welfare at heart and you’re his mommy. Do it in the way that you know he may take it the best.
Don’t tell him until he is older. My mom and father that adopted me told me that he wasn’t my real dad when i was just 8 years old. It messed me up bad. I was so hurt and confused for years.
My son’s bio father passed away when he was 10 months old. My husband has been in his life since he was 6 weeks old. My boy figured out at 3 he had a different last name and didn’t look like anyone in the house. We were honest with him and explained in a way he would understand. I think you should tell him. If he finds out years from now, he’ll probably get upset and not trust you. Be prepared for any and all questions.
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My friend waited until her son was a teenager about 13, that did not go over well. My daughter gave up her daughter for adoption, we are still a part of her life, they told her when she was 9, and that went well.
I wouldn’t. Speaking from personal experience. It changed the relationship between me and the person I thought was my dad. I wish to this day I never knew about my bio dad.
We told my daughter when she was about 5. Very simply. After that if she had questions they were answered. It didn’t really phase her and she grew up just always knowing. That way there was no resentment. She referred to him as “the guy who helped make me!” They met face to face when she was 18. My vote is tell them earlier than later…keep info age appropriate as they grow… good luck.
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My husband has a son he “adopted”. He’s been there for him since he was 3 months old. He’s 16 and that’s his dad. He knew that my husband wasn’t his Dad. However even though his mom and my husband split up he made the decision that my husband is his dad. He’s 16 now and they still have an amazing relationship. I think it will go over better than you think.
I think u have 2 separate situations here. One is just casually being open about the fact that his Dad is his dad because he loved him so much he loves him as if he was his own
The other is if your son then asks about his Bio you need to allow him to have control over that relationship. If he wants to see him then u arrange a safe meet. He will quickly decide if that relationship does anything for him. The important part is he needs to know he can love everyone and does not have to choose. Dont bad mouth is bio. Just tell him his dad didnt know how to be a dad at the time but that he always loved him. Even it it isnt true it will.build your sons self confidence and self worth
I have never hid from my son, now 13, that my husband is not his bio dad. He has known his whole life. I told him when he was 3, and explained the whole thing. He is perfectly happy. He has talked to his bio father on the phone a few times, but it’s been years since the last conversation.
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Big shout out to your husband for stepping in to be his father. I don’t think that anyone can tell you a specific age because all situations are different but you should do it when you feel like your son is mature enough to understand and I think that you should do it with your husband in the room so he can have that reassurance of love in that moment.
I went through the same thing right after Christmas. We told my 9 year old. We all cried she didn’t want another daddy. She asked all the questions she had an randomly still does but not as bad as I thought.
My parents got married the month before I turned 2. He was not my “bio-dad”, but I didn’t know that man until I was 8. I never let him too close, my dad was the man who raised me, who loved me like his own.
I don’t know that there is a right time. My dad isn’t my bio dad but has been raising me since age 2. I was too young to realize there was a time he wasn’t around yet but his sister broke the news to me at age 10 when I said I was going to call my dad, her response was you know he’s not really your dad Right? Hearing it from someone else really messed with my head and caused a lot of resentment issues and trust issues after I found out. I’m 30 now with kids of my own and he’s still the only dad I’ve ever known, my mom took off on him 7 ears ago but he stuck around and is now grandpa to my 4 and 5 year old but a lot of problems a have been avoided had they sat me down and talked to me rather than hearing it from someone else.
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Have you and your husband thought of adoption? I think that is the way to go. That way your son will always know he is loved and wanted by your husband. He would be his true Dad if he is adopted and has his name.
Think maybe asking a professional like a child psycologist may be better. Ask how would be a good way to tell him and have him or her avaiable to be able to talk out his feelings.
Sit him down with you and your husband and tell him that your husband is his his dad in every way but blood, that he chose to be his dad. That your son is special cause he chose him, chose to love and protect him and that kind of love is special.
If he isn’t around and hasn’t been around, why tell him? I didn’t know my dad wasn’t my bio dad. I wasn’t mad yet being told but why bother. I was mad at my bio dad for not caring enough or being adult enough to do the right thing. I would have rather not known especially if he has someone who is the only dad he knows.
We adopted my oldest son (18 now) at birth. We told him when he was 5 years old that he was adopted. We wanted him to know as soon as we thought he could understand. We never wanted him to think we were hiding something from him. This gives him the opportunity to find his birth parents when he feels the need to. So far he has not wanted to.
Explain it to him as he didnt know your son til after he’d been born so the names are different for that reason, maybe see about name change if its a choice and ask if he’d like to do that. My kids still consider their step-dad their dad even though theyve started noticing the differences. I’d explain it as its bc of love
Something like this shouldn’t be kept a secret. Tell him soon before he finds out from someone else. Good luck
My son has known since day one. My husband has been in his life since he was 13 months old, he is now 15 years old. He chats with his bio dad but has never meet him, bio dad’s choice. We have given the open door. My son now gets to make the decision if and when he wants to meet his bio dad in person. We will not force him. My husband has been his father/daddy and raised him.
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If you want to keep your son’s trust, you need to let him know. Tell him that his real dad has not been in contact and you want him to know the truth. But here is the kicker, have hubby standing near by with a request to adopt him so he can have his dad’s name. If he gets older and wants to contact the sperm donor be there to help support him.
I would tell him ASAP. If you don’t, invariably in time someone else will . You do not want him hearing from someone else, if he does there’s a very good chance he will feel like his whole life has been a lie. Be honest and transparent. Remind him his father is the one who has always been there for him and a part of his life.
Definitely tell him now. Let him know you had to wait until he was old enough to understand. Please don’t put it off. That is when bitterness and resentment will come to play. In the long run he will appreciate you for it.
PS my oldest isn’t biologically my husbands either. She was about six months old when we met. But she’s known pretty much her whole life. Her bio dad passed away. But my husband is very much her dad. In every sense of the word besides genetics.
I was 15 when I found out and still struggled. I honestly don’t think there is a right time. You and your husband should sit him down when you both feel ready. In my personal opinion I feel like he’s old enough to understand.
I have a friend who was in the same situation. She waited until he was much older, in his late teens but still umder 18 and told him, then her husband officially adopted him. It was beautiful
What’s right for him? Nothing else matters.
As a “step”, mine just turned 12.
I’ve no idea if this will get read. But, there is also counseling. I know most people have a way they feel. But we all need help processing sometimes.
And maybe tell the bio dad. Dead beat or not. Maybe he will make effort knowing he’s about to have his lack or effort. Put out there, to the 1 person it may matter to.
But no matter what. Make sure he knows that you weren’t hiding it. Just that he’s old enough or mature enough.
I wish you all the best luck in the world.
Worst case, have your husband make him a card. Something from the heart. So when your son is feeling the worst. Your husband can help fill that void, in that moment. ( stuffy, blanket. Something to make him happy, and feel loved) it will show your son, no matter what. Your husband, loves him, cares for him. No matter what.
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A child should never have to reach out to a parent to have a relationship. I would wait to tell him until you think he is mentally strong enough, however make sure you are the first to tell him. Dont let him find out himself. He might resent you not telling him.
The way I see it is your son can’t miss something he never had. He’s 7 years old if his Father has not made an attempt to be in his life leave it at that. You don’t wanna set your son up to be hurt or let down. Don’t rush to tell him he’ll figure it out as he gets older if he questions it then tell him the truth. “Any Man can be a Father but it takes a Real Man to be a Dad”
You should definitely tell him. Always go with your gut. If i were you i would tell him, so he can grow and fully understand it through time. In my experience it’s harder on teenagers to cope, without building some type of resentment
Idk anything about this subject, but I can tell you whenever is the time make sure you and you’re husband are giving him extra love and cuddles!!! Make him feel more love than ever.
I had a similar situation.my son’s father wasn’t around from the time he was 7 months old til 6 yrs old and decided he wanted to try to get to know our son…we had public visits since my son did not know him.we had visits every other weekend for about 2 months b4 he walked away again.my son is 13 now…hasn’t seen his father since he was 6 and seems unbothered by it because of things that caused him to have feelings towards his father and half brothers during the visits at 6 years old.my son now 13 says he doesn’t want anything to do with them.i keep telling him maybe once he’s older he may feel different and want to get to know them and that’s fine if he does but right now he says nope,never. Also…hes at the teenage stage of he knows everything.lol. anyhow I had to tell him at 6 yrs old about his dad,half brothers,his dads wife,grandma.then he met them all.It’s not gonna be easy to tell ur son and at 7 yrs old he may not fully understand…but it depends on his maturity.I personally would tell him and just explain that his dad isn’t around because he made the choice not to be. Being honest is the best thing to do.
My daughter found out her dad was in prison the same day she found out there was no Santa. She asked me point blank, in a manner that brooked no lies. Once she realized it was truth telling time after the Santa question, a barrage of matter of fact questions came pouring out. She was 7 or 8. Don’t ever lie, no matter what. Not even to protect them. It’ll bite you later. Also make sure to be kind and generous when talking about bio dad. I never spoke bad about him, I just was able to put off saying where he was. 
My mom married my step dad I was mine my bio dad was never really in my life my step dad was never step to me he was my dad in every way. Love that man so much and I miss him so much he pasted away in 2000. A part of me went with him
Do not hide that from your children!
I told my daughter when the time was right and she begin asking certain questions.
Keeping that from them does more damage than telling them. Be honest. Answer any questions they have and let them process it however they feel the need.
ive always told my son that he had a different dad, i think with kids you have to be careful with wording so ive never said hes not your dad, i explained it and now my son says it as when i was a baby i had a daddy but he wasnt ready to be an adult yet so then i got my daddy and he was ready to be an adult and look after me. weve talked about all the things it means to be a dad like how when he shouts dad… dad comes, when he has a nightmare dad scares away the monsters, dad loves him he didnt have to be his dad before to love him now because of this its not a “thing” its just what happened he understands it hes 5 now and im sure he will question more as he is older but he atleast has the starting knowledge of my dad wasnt my dad when i was born but he is my dad now.
My now almost 12 year old twins have never met their bio dad, my husband has been in there life since they were 2 I believe we told them at like 6 or 7 only because their step sister the same age(a few months younger) would rub it in their face and purposely say step sibling that we dont have the same parents so I had to explain to them why she kept saying and doing that. It’s whenever you feel that your child is ready even if bio dad never wants a part of their life your child will know they are loved and someone else stepped in and stepped up
From my experience with my son, it won’t change a darn thing in your household as long as you tell him soon. My husband adopted my oldest was he was 4 and we have been open with him about that. He never even asks about his biological father because my husband is his dad. I do have contact information of the bio’s ex wife since my son does have an older half brother that he doesnt know about yet. But I will tell him all of that if he ever questions it. He turns 13 next month and hasn’t asked me anything yet.
My daughter has always knew my bf at the time wasn’t her bio dad. I never lied and made it seem like he was her father to HER. Which is a good thing I didn’t. He became very abusive and uses my daughter to muniplate me saying we had to stay together and if not he will try every which way to get full custody of my daughter even tho he not her bio dad. But because my daughter has always know he wasn’t her bio dad my ex can’t used that against me in court. The child should know but also depends on the situation