My daughter is 11 and needs alot of help. I would have dumped cold water on him to see if he likes it
Think instead of worrying about hair washing I would check out son in law and what sounds like a leaning toward child abuse
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My 8 yr old doesn’t even wash her hair correctly lol. I mean she showers by herself and does everything alone. I just have to always send her back until she gets it right. 4 is a little young. IMO.
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My daughter is 7 and she can wash her body. I still help with her hair. She has long hair and cannot get the soap out. IMO a 4 year old cannot wash properly ( meaning hair and getting all the soap out).
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my daughter is 6 and has been doing it since she was 4… I do check it before she gets out of the shower to make sure she got all the soap out tho.
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He probably doesn’t wash his a s s either… what a jerk. I’m 36 and I’d love help washing my hair lolol
The average for children being able to bathe themselves is going to older ages. My 4 year old does not bathe herself
My granddaughter is 4 and there is no way she would be able to get the shampoo out of her own hair. This gentleman aggravates me to an extreme extent!
I started putting my kids in the shower with me to watch how to shower, they all could by 4 I’d wash their hair but that’s me, we all have (my siblings) independent daughters
Your former son in law is bordering on being abusive to his daughter. A four year old would be much more likely to get shampoo in their eyes, which could sting and make them averse to doing it again. To punish them for that is just wrong. Our granddaughters all started bathing themselves around age 6-7. They were old enough then to be able to understand how the shampoo in their hair should feel, and more importantly how to keep it out of their eyes while they were rinsing it out.
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That is cruel. She’s 4? I bathed all my kids and washed their hair at that age like seriously??? This man is awful
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That is abuse and cruel! My daughter started showering alone at 5 but I would go in before she was done to double check and help if she needed it especially with her long hair. You need to find out if she is abused/punished in other ways, that’s horrible.
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My daughter is 5 and she still showers with me , it’s easier for myself and for her because she is independent but still doesn’t wash correctly, that’s so sad they expect a 4 year old too do it all on there own …
My daughter is almost 8 and I still wash her hair. She bathes herself.
You are right about the age of 5
I think grand parents need to let parents parent their kids how they see fit… good grief the amount of overreaching is appalling
My daughter who is 6 baths herself I wash her hair and make sure she’s getting clean and she’s 6. My 4 year old I let her try and then help her and I wash her hair.
Every child is different… My 6 year old can wash herself but not rinse very well.
My 8 year old cant even REACH all her hair.
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Call CPS on him. That is cruel and a person doing that to a child who is not even 4 over washing hair should not be having unsepervised visits since God knows what else he may be doing. I still help my 6 year old with her hair since it’s so long.
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What in the world??? That’s ridiculous. Pour cold water on his head and see how he likes it!
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A kid should not be bathing or showering by themselves until age 9. They are not ready developmentally until than. Kids have no concept of how to properly and safetly shower until than… you never ever leave a child unattended in a bathtub or any body of water.
My son is going to be four. I still wash his hair. I wouldn’t make him do it himself because to me, he’s still so small. Bath time is bonding time 
My daughter is 6 and still needs help washing her hair. She does her body and calls for me when she is ready for her hair. Sometimes I even have to send my 9yr old back to the shower because he “forgets” to wash his hair.
Kids need guidance and help… that’s kinda what we as parents are here for.
I can’t even imagine making my 4yr old handle bath time by himself. There would be soap and shampoo everywhere but his body 
I washed my daughter’s hair till she was 8 or 9 and after that she would still call me In sometimes to wash her hair but she had super long thick hair so the assistance really was needed but at 4 years old there is no way they can wash their hair on their own. And pouring cold water on her for not doing it is abusive
Pour cold water on him. Thats it thats all
Wth? My son Is 5. He doesn’t brush his own teeth as I’ve done my research and it says the age of 12. I bathe my son. I get him dressed. I put his shoes on. He’s my son. I promote learning and growth by letting him try everything first himself and I finish for him.
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Depends on the child but at three we started showing my son how to do it on his own with supervision of course and by 5 he moved on to the shower. He did hate rinsing his hair out because he didn’t want the water to touch his face but we signed him up for swim lessons and he got over it really quick…we eventually had to watch and time him because he would take forever just playing in the water. Teach them early…. kids are smart. Make it fun let them choose there body wash and shampoo scents and rinse cups.
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Next time he’s at a family gathering tell him to do something if he doesn’t do it the way you want, dump some ice cold water on his head, see how he likes it.
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Um yes. 8 is more realistic. Especially hair if it’s long. And yes, he’s a jerk.
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My daughter and granddaughter still needed help up until about age 11. Their hair was just to long and thick to do it properly. Just helped with the hair. My GD is 13 now and honestly could probably still use that help with her hair but she’ll get it eventually. And yup he is an ass.
She is 3 not 10 what the hell is he thinking. That’s cruel to do to any young child let alone a 3 year old who doesn’t know how to properly bathe themselves. My daughters are 8 and 9 they take showers they don’t really take baths anymore. They wash their bodies themselves and I wash their hair (my 9 year old has thick hair) for them.
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I’d be more concerned with the way her father treats her(abuse in my eyes) than if she washes her own hair
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I had to help my kids with their hair way long after they were able to bath themselves. boys are not too bad – if you keep their hair short its hard to mess it up. However, I have dtrs with long THICK hair and if I didn’t help them with the rinsing they would have soap buildup, flakes, everything. We had a shower with a hand held shower head. When she was ready for rinsing I’d help and she’d turn her back. Minimal exposure but help with the hair!
At 4 they are not developed enough to do a proper job without assistance. I have 6 living and 2 angels and around 6-8 is when they started to bath themselves with little to no assistance. Pouring cold water on her is abuse and makes me wonder what other abuse he does to her if he’s willing to do that over “not washing her own hair”. I did a little homeschooling and if you check out the preschool groups they will tell you their hands are not developed like a 9 year Olds.
He needs to be reported. Poor kid…
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WTF!! That’s abuse. At 4 you’re lucky if she can wipe her own butt.
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My daughters 6 and still need my help… Sorry that’s mean.
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I would report him to DSS
My son is 3 and I’ll put the shampoo in and sometimes he’ll scrub his hair and than he’ll pour the water to rinse his hair
My daughter is one and I shampoo her hair and rinse
She copies me and she’ll pour water over her head and look at me as to say I did it too😊
Nothing wrong with teaching her how to do it
I am for the age of 8
He’s a jerk and an abuser! I’d never leave her alone with him! I feel so angry right now. In fact for me that would be a deal breaker!
my almost 4 year old certainly can’t wash her own thick, natural curly hair! She needs shampoo and a ton of conditioner!
Still needs help I have a 5 year old he has super long hair so he definitely needs help really washing it but I taught him how to put soap on a loofah and wash himself I still sit and watch him so I can tell him if he misses a spot or to go back over an area and then when we are done he likes to play by himself for a bit
I have 5 kids. Their abilities vary so the independence varied as well. My youngest is 9 and now bathes fully alone… whereas my daughters were around 6-7… but still needed assistance cleaning their long hair. Sometimes my son (who is in 12th grade) doesn’t wash his hair… and I wash it in kitchen sink… but the discipline with cold water is horrendous and it should be reported
Thats abuse, and needs to be reported. What else is he doing? Man that poor girl 
I’d encourage her to wash her body and help with her hair… what he’s doing is abuse.
To each their own, my kids were very independent since they were 3 or 4 I don’t see anything wrong with them washing them selves at that age
Your former son in law is an ass
I’ve always taught mine from about 2 how to wash their hair and body and just continued to teach and help them until they were old enough and doing it for themselves properly. Both my girls at around age 6 could bath themselves properly but I’d still watch them just to make sure they did a good job. What he does sounds like a form of Abuse. Punishing a child instead of helping and teaching them. Thats a young age to expect “perfection” out of them. Have u spoke with the mother about what he does and how u feel that isn’t right.?..
That’s abuse. What a psycho.
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I start teaching my kids about 3/4 or as soon as we can communicate effectively lol
But I’m still in the bathroom instructing and teaching how, I’d say by 6 you should have it down without help.
Wow someone should pour cold water over him.
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Report him! She’s 3 years old and he’s abusing her! Get it over text so you have proof and report him, my father used cold as a weapon too. It’s hard as a 10 year old I couldn’t imagine it at 3 smh.
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That’s abuse what kind of father is that and how is she letting him do this
Wow that’s incredibly mean to do that the child is still a baby 4 isn’t old enough for that responsibility the parents really need a reality check
My son was 8 the age 4 she can’t do it herself
My son is 7 and bathes himself. I do help him wash his hair because he doesn’t get it all or rinse it all out. But I would never dump cold water on him for not washing. That is absolutely not okay.
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Ill wash them as long as they need help 
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Definitely wash their own privates though but i do do head scrubs
My 5 year old has butt length hair, she can’t wash it and condition it herself… She’s extremely independent and all, but having a lot of hair is difficult to do. I also wouldn’t leave her alone in the bath, doesn’t matter how independent, accidents happen. I don’t rush my kids to “grow up” … they’re only little for so long, then you miss it.
Also, pouring cold water on her for not washing her own hair AT 3 YEARS OLD… is f$&king cruel and I consider that abuse… why punish/harm a TODDLER (or any child…) for something the parent IS SUPPOSE TO DO!
My almost 5 year old would not bathe himself if I didn’t do it lol. He’d just play the whole time and not properly wash. And honestly I don’t think there’s really an age requirement. Each kid requires different help.
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I still help my 10yo wash her hair because it’s super thick.
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Okay, first. That is child abuse and I would very politely tell him that if she comes home and says he did that to her again, that CPS will be called!
Second, my daughter will be 9 in June and she JUST started showering this past year. Prior to that, it was baths and me washing her hair. Now she showers on her own, but she still calls for me when she’s about done to make sure she is clean and her hair is rinsed the whole way.
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My daughter still had problems getting the soap out of her hair when she was 8. She had very long thick hair and it was a constant trial. I’m sorry but that is abusive.
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Honestly my son will be 6 this week coming up I been teaching him out to wash his body and hair by himself. My youngest is 3 he’ll try to wash his body and hair but I will help him because he’s still young he doesn’t get his body really good or his hair but pouring cold water on 4 year old because they really don’t know how to wash there body? Like naw thats messed up in so many levels that’s cruel if I was you I wouldn’t let my child go around someone like that.
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My son is 12 and I start the shower for him however my daughter needed help with her hair until she was about 10-11 since she has long thick hair it’s hard to learn to get it all soaped and everything out. I would address this with a judge
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My daughter is 6 and I still help her. That’s just mean
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Every child is different. My daughter needed help until around 7, my son will be 5 in July and he bathes himself, I just wash his hair. I stay in the bathroom and watch tv on my phone while he takes his little shower or bath
My daughter is 3. She can soap her body up, but not wash her hair. That’s just cruel to pour cold water on a 4 year old 
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I STILL wash my daughters hair. She is 10 1/2!
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Son is 5, we taught him how to properly clean himself and his hair. We usually check his hair to see if it’s rinsed out enough. Sometimes he even asks us to check.
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Your ex son in law is abusive and your daughter needs to get away from him and make sure the 4 year old isn’t around him. that’s fucking crazy.
That’s horrible, I think around 6 they should be more independent. My 3 year old rinses his hair but I wash it and his body and he helps with the rinsing part. It depends on the kid but I think the cold water part is what’s wrong with that.
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Help her shampoo then make sure it gets rinsed well!
That’s child abuse, call him out on it ! She’s a little girl and needs guidance and help. Who cares about age , it’s about her ability to clean herself without help. If she needs help, let her tell you what she needs help with. You want her to be comfortable with her body, and comfortable enough to ask questions.
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Umm what the actual fuck? I still wash my 6 year olds hair. I have a 4 year old son too and he will not wash himself. I would never dream of punishing a child for needing help. That’s just unfathomable.
If they can wash your face properly and rinse then they can do the rest of it as for the hair I would say let them try and you finish it up…But always supervise the finishing touches or questions They have
My kid is 7 I still have to do her hair or she won’t do it she’s lazy
I dont’ believe a 4 year old has the mental capacity to understand how to do all that is needed. They are just learning how to brush their teeth at 4 and yes they should be encouraged and educated each time they are being bathed but to pour cold water on a child for failing to wash their hair…insanity. I guess Im old school. My kids and grandkids are my joy and helping them learn how to bathe is one of the joys of parenthood. I would say 7 or 8 for them to shower/bath alone as long as they know how to do all that is needed. Sometimes they forget to wrinse all the shampoo out of their hair even at 7 and 8.
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My almost 7 yr old is very independent- and so I let her wash herself - I help with her hair to be sure it’s actually clean and rinsed properly
4 is way to young. I just started letting my 8 year old bc she still can’t get all the shampoo out of her hair by herself sometimes.
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That is aweful. She is too young. Poor child.
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Shame on you she is looking out for your granddaughter
Pouring cold water over a child’s head is an act of cruelty, no matter how old. Like my Sainte mom would say: I would kick him right square in the ass !
4 is still young. My son is 4 and I still help him. I’d say maybe around 6 is when they learn to do it on their own. Pouring cold water on her is cruel and should be addressed. He should take joy in helping his baby girl with anything she needs. They don’t stay small for long!
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Maybe someone should poor hot water on his poor excuse of a manhood to make sure he is clean
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He is cruel. My children was 6-8 also. I would address the issue of abuse and if it continues would get a lawyer get his visitation stopped.
If they are capable let them but 9f their adding more problems then do it for her. My kids all self washed pretty early but they have older siblings that they bathed with. Now my bonus daughter I helped her wash her hair until she wanted to do it on her own. Every child is different
Way too young. And that’s fucked up he pours cold water on her, could send her into shock.
At 4yrs she’s still a baby of course you wash her hair especially to make sure it’s rinsed properly or her head will itch.and you wash her with a.little help from her . She could maybe shower herself with you supervision.
My son is about to be 6 and I teach him how to do it in a productive way and without getting water in his eyes. But he still needs assistance obviously. Imo 4 is too young to expect them to be self sufficient in the bath, and pouring cold water on them to punish them is insane!!! That child will grow up remembering that.
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My kids let me know when they were ready
That’s not right! She’s too young to wash her own hair.
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My 2,4 and 6 year olds shower. They clean themselves too! All I do is soap up their loofas (for the 2&4 yr olds)
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I have a 7 yr old daughter I help her with her hair cuz it won’t get rinsed out right or she won’t do a good enough job 4 is too early I my opinion and pouring cold water on her is just mean.
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At 4 she call t be learning how to shower on her own but that’s learning so the parent should be there helping them. My youngest started taking showers at 4 but I did his hair and showed him how to wash his body and now that he is 6i just check to make sure he rinsed good but doesn’t really need me in there but you have to have patience and this dad doesn’t seem to have any and yes I would consider what he is doing as abuse.
Mine started washing themselves with help from me around 4. Around 6 to 8, I stayed with them while they showered and made sure they got their hair rinsed all the way. About 8 or 9, I started leaving them to shower alone but nearby in case of need.