I have a question that I’d like opinions on. I am getting a divorce, and it’s mutual for the most part as we’ve both gotten us to this part, but my soon-to-be ex-husband has already started a relationship, and I only just found out about it. If he decides to pursue it more, how long should he have to wait before introducing the children and eventually moving her into life with him and our children?
Whenever all parties are comfortable and it is serious
Honestly, it’s his life now and it’s when he feels it’s right. You don’t really have a say in it. I have male friends, that My kids met right off, but we are very good friends still. My now boyfriend, I waited 3 months before they met him! And we moved to an entire different state after a year. My kids father, had no say in when they met him or anything like that. Only, had to get permission to move states with my kids.
That’s not your decision to make. He’s the father and when HE’S ready, he will introduce her to your children. You can’t make that decision for him
It’s between him and her. What occurs on his time sadly isn’t your business nor should he have to consult with you.
That isn’t up to you. He will make the choice he feels is best for his children. You are able to the do the same when you ultimately move on.
That really depends. It’s more so when you feel the time is right and if the relationship is serious. If you trust him I’d say let him decide when the time is right. Unless you both agree to talk about it first or for some reason feel you need to put it in a court order you each would decide for your own relationships when it should happen.
Well I know in a court order for my friend they had to be in a solid relationship for a year before being introduced to the children in our state but I don’t know if that is the same rule everywhere.
So I’m on the other side of this. I was the new girlfriend. We waited about 3 months (personally I think back it was still a little soon) because of schedules. His days off were his days with his daughter, so in order to pursue the relationship we had too. Now I wanted to do it the most “right” way as possible and introduced myself to his ex, and we all met at dinner because I felt she had the right to know who was around her child. Maybe reach out and see if she is willing, if the divorce was mutual and you are on good terms it could work. We are all good friends now and I can say my comom is one of my best friends.
On the other hand, he will do it when he feels it is right. If you share custody, what he does on his time is his own business, and as long as it doesn’t harm the kids, he could bring around whoever, whenever. So open communication if possible is amazing!
When he feels its stable enough, and its serious enough. Its not your decision anymore UNLESS theres good reason to put it off.
Personally I wouldn’t introduce my kids to a bf until we’ve been together awhile & I feel it’s going to be a permanent situation. I’d be with him for years before that. That’s me. My friends father did this & she’s resentful that she met her step mother right before they got married. They weren’t together long before they got married. If you have a good relationship with him discuss it with him. Lay mutual ground rules. If not you can mention it in court, to your lawyer & try to get an order regarding SOs. I recommend asking for “first right of refusal”. That means neither of you can leave the child with a third party before first offering the other that time.
I’d say that you should both come to a mutual understanding that no bf gf introduction unless there is promise of a future. It’s not fair to the kids
He is a parent to. He can introduce the kids to her when he feels like it is a good time. It’s outside of your control and you can offer advice but you cannot tell him no. He doesn’t have to run it past you or even let you know nor does he have to wait a certain amount of time that you feel is best. I know it’s hard. I am divorced with three boys and my ex has a fiancé. He has had other girlfriends before her as well. It’s hard letting another woman try to play the mom role with your kids. Your kids are always going to know your their mom. When you get a boyfriend and get remarried it will be just as hard on your ex. I am remarried now and it was hard on him at first as well.
I agree with the majority of the others regarding it being his choice when he introduces his new SO to the children. In regards to cohabitation, I don’t know where you live but in my state cohabitation is generally addressed in the custody court order. Where I live the judge generally orders that there can be no cohabitation on either parents part outside of marriage.
That’s none of your business.
All you can do is talk to him about your concerns with it. He’ll chose his own timing unless he’s really considerate of you and the kids feelings. I always said I wouldn’t want to meet a partner’s children unless we were serious or he would be ok me being friends with him and the kids after a possible breakup because I was that kid. I wouldn’t drop a child or children just because “we didn’t work out” because it was done to me so many times and hurt so much.
It depends on your papers. Some papers say wait 6 months. My papers didn’t say anything so he let them meet her while we were still married.
It was 3 months for me. I made the choice due to how our relationship was progressing, I did tell her dad what was up but I didn’t ask him for permission.
Really to be straight forward with you. He can and will do it when he wants to. You have no say so over it. And even if you do try to say something he’s going to do what he wants so why bother
That is his call. That is the cost of divorce. You can’t control who he brings into the lives of your children.
Unfortunately that’s not really up to you.
It really depends on the situation, no one can really say for sure a time since we don’t know you guys personally or the entire situation. This is something you and him need to sit down and talk about!
Personally when my kids father and I split we agreed not to bring any new people we date around the kids until a minimum of 6months in the relationship. Luckily we worked things out and got back together after awhile but we still agree that if we split up again that 6months is the minimum for our situation. We choose this because we don’t people coming and going from our kids lives as well as we want to get to know the person before introducing them to our kids to make sure they don’t have secret bad intentions.
How long are you going to wait ?
Our rule was 6 months!
My husband and I have an agreed upon rule of 1 year, if we should ever split. Because at this stage of a relationship it’s at least serious enough that it may be long term. I don’t know that he would actually follow that agreement, but we have discussed it. The truth is, it’s really not up to you to decide. No matter what you agree upon feelings change and one or the other may not comply. It’s his choice even if it’s not something you’d like and there’s not much you can do about it if he decides to do it anyway.
My kids met my boyfriend within a month of reuniting. I’ve known him for 12 years before we got together though. I will add this was after 7 years of divorce
My husbands ex let the kids meet her then boyfriend and moved them in before the divorce was even filed. He was stationed over seas and she moved them out of the house while he was gone. They moved out of that guys house 6 months later and she was with another guy… she went thru 8 guys and 2 marriages before she finally settled with this last guy. My husband and I got together 2 months before the divorce was finalized (they were separated for a year and a half and then divorce took another year) we got married a year later and been together for 10 years now. I wish some people would wait until they truly now the person is the one. The kids don’t need to be around all the guys and living with them if only for a short time.
Similar situation here. The guy I’m seeing and I have been talking for a while but have only recently made it official. We both decided that we weren’t ready to meet each other’s children for a while (he has two from his previous marriage and I have one from a previous relationship) but we do talk about it every once in a while. It’s different for every couple, but ultimately when he decides to introduce me to his children and I to mine, is a decision between he and I, not anyone else.
That’s his decision to make and he will do it whether you like it or not. But I would still try to talk to him about it if I were you. Tell him to please don’t bring her around until he knows it is serious so that the kids don’t get attached to her and then they not work out. And bringing girl after girl around the kids isn’t healthy for them because they could start to build a relationship and then dad decides he doesn’t want to be with her. I personally would want to meet her too just to know who my kids are around to give me some peace of mind.
That’s his decision. If he’s a good dad put faith that he will make the right choices for his kids. My fiancé was divorced officially in August we met in end of September but he was separated that January.
Really its up to him… I understand how you feel honestly… But he shouldn’t have to ask permission… Just like if the situation was reversed. Those are half his children too. He is just as much their parent as you are. Hoping for the best for your family!
This should be his decision. IMO most people say wait 6mos- 1year whatever but I read somewhere that just leads to you living two lives. You want your partner to become part of the life you already have. After my separation I talk to plenty of guys my kids only met one of them. He had been a friend of mine since 8th grade. My kids met him in very small doses as my friend. That didn’t work out we were in different stages of life even though he thought he was ready to move to the stage of life I was at. Later on I met my now fiance. We talked on the phone and messaged non stop. We went out a few times over a couple of months and then I introduced my kids to him. They hit it off. Instant connection. I just knew I was gonna marry him one day. I didn’t want to wait 6-9months before he met them cause we wanted to see how the kids did together how my kids felt about him. How his kids felt about me. How he got along with my kids. Their was a lot I needed to know before we got serious and I couldn’t do that without my kids opinion because their opinion means the world to me. I also didn’t want my partner to get use to not having kids around because I have them 24/7.
We both had a kid and they all met after a month, but we did it more as a “play date”for them. Not mommy and daddy wanted to see each other. So that way it was just playing to them.
That’s not really up to you per say, that’s up to him. If he’s a good dad then trust his judgment as you would want him to trust yours.
If she’s not a drug addict or pervert, it’s really none of your business.
Everyone saying it’s his decision you can literally put in your divorce papers both need to wait a minimum of (however long) before introducing kids to significant others.
My husband waited two weekends after he walked out on us. They felt justified in doing whatever they wanted despite anyone else involved. Sadly there’s nothing you can do aside from hope your ex is a reasonable decent human being and you both come to some agreement. Whether he agrees or not up to him
It’s not up to you. You’re divorced.
I waited six months with my stepson when him and I started dating 12 years ago
Our rule was 5 to 6 months. I understand your concern on this matter because shuffling people in and out of children’s lives can be harmful over time. I believe it’s vital for a divorced couple with children to come to a mutual agreement on these things, but ultimately, there is no controlling what the other party does once a marriage becomes officially dissolved. It’s an extremely difficult concept to grasp, I know, because as a parent you want to protect your children to the best of your ability. I wish you the best, and I do hope it all works out for you🙏
It’s up to him not you. Can’t control him his life is not your concern anymore
I don’t wait. My kids don’t get to go to their dads. So I don’t get every other weekend off. So if I want to hang out with someone and watch a movie, cuddle a little. I invite them over and they meet my kids. Longest I’ve waited was 1-2 weeks.
With their dad though, I wouldn’t care who they had around as long as they were both acting maturely about it.
For instance, my oldest sons father. He had a girlfriend that would constantly harass me, never let me get a word through to my sons father without laughing in my face and calling me names, she herself would try to threaten they’d take my son and they’d play house together. If you don’t act like that? I couldn’t give a fuck. Just treat me with the respect I deserve.
Thats none of your business truthfully. Not to sound rude. I know I get it. Ive been there but My kids knew my current boyfriend before we were a couple like a year or two prior… (we were with different people) and same with my ex husband (his girlfriend is my ex husband. Lol long story short he cheated and got her pregnant) but I’ve seen people wait from 6m and up. Ive seen some do it with in days, weeks.
Personally I’d want them to meet sooner rather than later to see how they are around my kids. I dont wanna waste a year on someone then find out they are shitty to my kids or with kids in general
Its up to him. And im speaking from the perspective of the new girlfriend. My man has 2 kids from someone else and i have a daughter with someone else. The most you can request is to meet her before she meets the kids. And if you do it civilly there shouldnt be any problems. If shes respectable and serious about their relationship she’ll work with you. Dont instantly be pissed off and protective. Not every woman is bad.
There is no right or wrong answer
It’s not up to him and it is YOUR business. You both need to communicate about this decision and if all else fails, put it in the divorce agreement that you both have to wait a certain amount of time!
If you guys are splitting on mutual grounds then I would have the general conversation with him about it. Make sure that you are coming from a perspective of what’s best for your children. Ultimately what he choses to do is up to him but as a mom who is also going through a mutual divorce there are ways to have those conversations in a very kid centered fashion. My Ex and I agreed that we trusted each other and just asked one another that who ever was introduced to our son was someone that we saw as a long term person so he didn’t have a bunch of new people in and out of his life. No one has a crystal ball to know if something is going to work but just making sure that we were on the same page with what was best for our son. It is a must to leave all feelings out of this conversation and only focus on the best for the kiddos though and I know that can be challenging even in a mutual divorce. Also, depends on ages of kids and how they are introduced to them. Best of luck momma <3
That is his choice not yours. Would you want him telling you what to do? As long as he is an otherwise responsible parent you need to stay out of it.
Unfortunately you have no say but my partner and his ex wife came to agreement of 6 months which I respected being a mother myself and she has to do the same if she meets anyone. Maybe try a comprise? Xxx
Yall are saying it’s none of her buisness… but its thier kids together she has a right to wanna know whonis around her kids to… you should both talk and agree on a time… she is still mom and still needs to be her children’s advocate.
Before introducing kids I’d say at least 3 to 6 months
When he feels it’s serious enough that she’ll be around for the long run. You don’t have to like it but he doesn’t need your approval.
Not up to you ultimately
never very complicated
I don’t think that it should be up to you, you have to trust his judgment. They are both of your children equally. And when you meet someone it’s definitely not up to him when you introduce.
I told my ex 6 months he dated a woman for two brought her over while visiting my kid to ask if I’d let them claim our son so they could get an apartment and car shortly after he stole a gun from her house they broke up and he hasn’t spoken to, about, or visited my kid in 3 years
I would talk to him and see if you guys can come to a mutual agreement on how long you think you guys should see someone prior to them meeting the kids. Me and my ex agreed that 6-8 month’s minimum was fair for both of us.
ASAP in case they don’t get along and she should meet you too. Y’all may end up co parenting together
My rule. If she can’t meet me then she can’t be around my kids.
There is not much you can do to enforce when that happens on his side, but if communication is good, I’d sit down and talk about it, and how long he would want you to wait once you have a new partner. I’d say introduce them as a new friend first, I think 6 months min is fair to the kids.
It’s up to him, not you. I would talk to him about it though and see how serious it is, and tell him that you would like to meet her too.
Biggest thing I have learnt from separation is ‘You can only control what’s within your control’.
What the other parent does or doesn’t do…is not in your control.
You aren’t together anymore and you are no longer a ‘team’. Yes you have children together, yes you will co-parent together; but that’s the all your relationship is now. And you will cross many bridges were you don’t agree on how to parent.
You can change jobs, friends, your car, house, hobbies, your look, wardrobe, diet, religion and many more things … These are your choices now and yours only. These are also the other parents choices alone too.
You can get hung up and focus on the new girlfriend (that you have no control over), or you can focus on your children.
If you spend all your time worrying about your child when you can’t control what’s happening; you’ll miss your time with your own child.
Your time is what you can control; and that’s what you have to make count.
There is no right or wrong way to parent. There is only be there for the children and support them.
If anything, maybe ask your ex if you can meet her first but it’s ultimately up to him when he decides to introduce your kids to her. You can share your concerns with him before or after meeting her though.
My ex met someone, got married to her, and they live interstate. My kids go there every school holidays. They have been together about 5 years I think, and I only met her for the first time a month ago when they visited here. I’ve never even spoken to her until then. The reason is, I trust my kids judgement. They know they can come to me about anything, so if they had concerns or didn’t like her they would tell me, but they have always said she’s a nice person and they are treated very well by her and they have grown to love her. And I’m ok with all of it because I know my kids are well looked after and happy and safe in her care. Having the kids meet the new girlfriend is not a big deal, and you don’t need to be involved. What you need to be involved in is raising your kids to be open and honest so they can come to you about anything they have concerns about.
Its up to him. Which sucks but you have to trust him to make good choices. I dated a guy after my ex husband and I split and I waited to introduce him to my kids and when I did he decided he couldn’t handle 3 kids. So the next guy I got with I introduced him almost right away. Hes stuck around for 9 years now and we’ve added 3 kids so you never know how things will go. Just talk to him but don’t try telling him what to do.
I wouldn’t introduce my children to a partner for a minimum of 6 months. They are already coping with a loss, why add to it? With that being said, unless you have a court judgement outlining this, it’s solely his choice unless he chooses to be an adult and and coparent with his children’s needs ahead of his own.
That’s up to him. And honestly it depends on their relationship. My kids met my boyfriend the day I met him ( didn’t know it would end up like we are) and we are moving in together August 1st which will be around us being together for 10 months. It seems fast but it works for us.
I have an agreement with my partner that if we split, we have to be with someone for a full year before they are introduced to our daughter. I don’t want her to like someone and have them be gone. Also, if I am around someone I had/have feelings for I don’t let them in the presence of my child. My mom had a revolving door of gentleman that we met and I don’t wanna make my baby feel the way I did when they left and were awesome…
Depends I knew my fiancé and his kids before we dated got together moved in together and been together ever since I’m not taking their moms place never want to but I take care of them while they are with us just like I do my own kids
My daughter’s were best friends in pre k so out first date was a family ordeal. 2 years strong now and we live together
If my ex had tried to stop me from introducing him I would have been livid
My ex and I never had an agreement about this. But my best friend does with her ex husband in their divorce agreement and it has to he 6 months of dating before they can be introduced.
6 months is best. He will get to find out who she is by then hopefully and its not a short term thing. Me an my kids step mom are besties.
You just don’t never know if somebody is going to come into your children’s life and be there angel or their guidance or something they may need in their life. This person may bring joy to these children. I read a comment where the ladies kids met the guy she was dating the day she started dating him. Why keep something like that away from your children? If this person is going to be a part of you then yes they need to be introduced to your children no matter what. If you don’t feel comfortable around with your children around then you don’t need to be with that person obviously that’s common damn sense.
I do not understand this when people have to date somebody for two or three years before their children are introduced to them. My question is why? A girlfriend of mine left her boyfriend years ago for another man there was no ands ifs or buts or dating for three or four years before they met the kids. They just got together and got their kids together and then got married and had another baby together and now they’re one big family. Why on Earth would you want to date a guy that nobody can meet or see besides yourself? Or even a woman? This is somebody that’s going to be a stepmother apparently to the children they might as well face it and meet the person. That’s even how I’ve done it in my marriage when I left my husband the first time I left for another man there was not know my daughter can’t see this person or talk to this person or be introduced to get to know this person. That makes absolutely no sense I’m sorry and I don’t give a flying flip in fart crap what anybody thinks of my opinion. I don’t care if they laugh at me or what they do. It is pure stupid to date somebody for three or four years before they meet your children.
Certainly not before the divorce!
Me & my ex partner have a 6 month rule so you know it’s serious
Whenever HE chooses, you don’t have a say
8 to 12 is my time line
Whenever he decides to introduce her to the kids. This isn’t something the other parent controls or have any say over. I am sure you don’t ask his permission to introduce the kids to every stranger in your life. Learn that you only control yourself and your reactions to situations. Unless your ex has been found unfit to parent leave your nose out of their personal life.
The more people that love my child the better. I hope it all works out for everyone
To each their own. I personally would not introduce mines to someone until I’ve known someone 6+ months.
Not now that’s for damn sure!!
You technically won’t have any control over if he introduces her on his own time and that’s okay. He’s equally their parent and has to make judgment calls on what’s best for them too. I would hope he wouldn’t introduce someone that he just started dating during your divorce process but men don’t always get how things can do harm. Anyway, I suggest building a healthy coparenting relationship so there’s always open communication. My ex and I have a phenomenal coparenting relationship that’s based on mutual respect and trust. We’re best friends (I know this isn’t possible for everyone) and thus we respect each other’s wishes. I told him I would just like to know the woman before he introduced her to my child. That’s it. I want to know who is going to be around my kid.
If something happened to my wife my kids wouldn’t meet anyone new unless it got a certain point of seriousness. How long that is depends on the situation and other person.
When its certain she is sticking around. Dont want a parade of new mommies/daddies in and out of their lives. So a few months in my opinion.
Sorry but you won’t be able to control that. However, you can put in your Divorce Decree that the girlfriends aren’t allowed to come pick your kids up. This way the kids feel safe about leaving one residence and going to the other.
This happened to me and I had a new man In My life but he started as a friend so my children already knew him,
He asked me to get married and I asked him to listen to me as I told him how I felt, this is what I said,
Please don’t discipline my children until you love them and then you will discipline with kindness, until then please let me do my job as their mom
He agreed with me and we have now been married for 29 years and all three of my children love and respect him and the same for our 7 grandchildren and another two coming into our family
They all call him granddad and the children call him papa john
So that when they are talking about dad we know who they mean and also their dads have been allowed in their lives which I think makes a massive difference,
It’s worked for us maybe it would work for others xxx
Best wishes for your new future xx
when it looks like in may lead to marriage or a long term relationship… if his girlfriend is just go be in his life short term then children’s don’t need to meet her. same goes for your kids meeting guys you date . I never bought any of my dates home to meet my kids unless it was getting serious
Honestly, you can only take care of your side of the street. I’m glad yall get along and I wouldn’t introduce someone to my kids until it was really serious but you can’t control what he does. It’s up to him.
She is a girlfriend and after a divorce, time with dad shouldn’t be shared so soon with a girlfriend. She may well be “interim woman”. I don’t think the first woman or man dated soon after or just before a divorce lasts. It happens but not that common.Both you and your ex are going to have your hands full helping the kids adjust. 6 months on the short end and however long after that that the kids have adjusted.
Well first of all it’s not up to you. It’s up to him. When I met my exs child he introduced me to him after about 2 months. We broke up after almost a year thou. Also you have no say in when they can move in. That’s how divorce works.
Your not going to be able to control much when they spend time with him. And if she moves in at some point your really not going to prevent it. Your better off talking to your kids about how THEY feel about it. because honestly its not about you.
I let my children choose when they were comfortable with the idea, for them 4 1/2 months… ex partners don’t have a say in it AT ALL though, unless they could be at harm.
Whenever the kids feel settled and secure after your separation. If you co parent successfully that could be quite quickly.
It depends on him when he is ready. But you can give your input where you can suggest a park or something where you get to meet her as well. First part of this is be an adult. It’s not about you all its about your child.
When I met my husband he had 2 daughters, he didn’t let me meet them until he was ready to live with me and seriously consider marrying me. It took a lot of patience on my part, but I’m glad we did it that way. We had a period of our relationship that was just us. Not only did he protect his girls by doing that but he also protected our new relationship. It also made me trust him and respect him for putting his children before me or himself.
Good grief, getting divorced and he’s already monkey-barred into another relationship.
These children should be the top priority. Not you, not your ex, and certainly not a new partner. These children are enduring a major and traumatic upheaval in their lives as they knew it. Yours and your ex’s focus should be on providing your children with as much stability as humanly possible.
Personally, I think your ex should wait at least a year—or maybe even two, before introducing yet ANOTHER thing these children must deal with.
But as lightning quick as he’s moved already, I doubt he will delay too long before bringing her around the kids. So, be prepared for that, and if these kids are of age, get them into therapy.
The ideal time for introductions would be when things become serious. That’s different for everyone. We also must differentiate between introductions and having someone new in their lives on a regular basis. I waited until I knew things were becoming serious to bring my now husband around my kids. Prior to that, my kids didn’t even know I dated. The ex on the other hand introduced the kids to anyone he met and my youngest called these girls short stops. She was 8. Not ideal or recommended but I had no control there.
Not sure you can decide this but I would talk to him if you have a certain length you would like him to wait before he introduces his new gf.