Where do I go from here?

I have four kids, the oldest has a different father from the three youngest. His dad passed away so he only has me. I left my SO/BD in November 2021 after 12 years. I have always been the one to work and provide for our family while he watched the kids considering I’ve always had a crazy work schedule. He’s an alcoholic and did quit drinking for 5 years, but COVID happened and he started drinking again. Our relationship has always been rocky but I got pregnant and felt like I was stuck, then got pregnant two more times lol smh. When he quit drinking everything was so much better. Now that he’s drinking again he is out of control and will not stop harassing me. I left with my oldest and only had our belongings. He finally realized I wasn’t coming back and kicked our three out of the house. After I left him it seems everything just went haywire I swear someone put bad medicine on us. We tried being civil but we all know how that goes with a narcissist. Two weeks after I left our daughter ended up in the hospital. She ended up needing surgery and going in again right before Christmas. Two weeks later my youngest ended up in NICU for breathing problems (none of it was COVID related). My oldest plays football and was injured and he also had to have surgery. Also our two youngest birthdays are right before Christmas. Take all these events into affect with a narcissistic ex that depended on you financially who drained your bank account. I wrapped what little Christmas presents I had with tears coming down my face. I tried my best with the boys birthdays. I shut his phone off because he wouldn’t stop harassing me and my oldest. He finally kicked the kids out and wouldn’t give me their stuff so I had to replace EVERYTHING. My bank account is still negative it has been so hard trying to recover. Credit cards are maxed out I’m basically paying for two households. I work 40+ hours and about to graduate with my bachelors after this semester on top of taking care of four kids. I’m ready to give up. There’s way more to this story but you get the idea. Right now my career and my financials are my main worry. I could care less about shelter I will sleep in my truck with my kids before I go back to him. He’s an awful person who is succeeding in ruining everything I’ve built for myself and my family.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Where do I go from here?

Little confused. You left the 3 kids that are under 18 with a drunk. A drunk to take care of kids, he can’t even care for himself. He is awful you state, but left the kids with him. He then kicked kids out. Wtf. I would of left and took ALL my kids. Im shocked CPS is not involved….

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Got to a womans shelter

Why exactly are you paying for two houses? Kick his ass out or terminate your portion of the lease…

Call Prototypes in Pomona and see if they can provide you with a home. I might be able to get you the number to call. message me so I can get back to you tomorrow.

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Quit paying for 2 places…

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Get signed up for everything you qualify for, if the oldest isn’t getting death benefits from his dad start that too, obviously child support. If you can try out selling plasma. Document like crazy and never leave children alone with an active addict. He could’ve killed them bc he was drunk. Stop paying for him… he’s a grown up and can handle himself… if he’s harassing you then get a restraining order.

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Why are you paying for two?
Pay for you and the kids only. He needs to get up get out and get something.

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So first off
You left minors with a drunk but took the oldest who could at least take care of and call for help if needed?
Second, stop paying for his place and his bills .
Third ,get a restraining order and a lawyer .
Fourth get you and the kids a Councillor or therapist.
Four research out reach and support options in your area .
Five don’t allow him to have unsupervised visits or know you housing location.
Six ,change all your numbers to private so you can still communicate about kids without him having your number (until court )
seven if you own the house he’s in serve him eviction papers and rent it our for income ( don’t move in right away he’ll fell he has easy access to you)
Eight get a well trained dog
Nine notify All THE KIDS family school medical and extra curricular staff of situation.
Ten please don’t let him take those kids back .

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Idk what you are paying for with him but stop. Don’t pay for anything that has to do with him.

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To those who can’t seem to figure out why she was paying for two places is because she was working and going to school. Who do you think was watching the kids??? The husband; the one who was drinking again. It clearly implies he wasn’t drinking all the time just drinking again which had negative effects in his handling of things when the alcohol kicked in.

What’s going on here is she is simply overwhelmed. Her soon to be ex is drinking and the relationship has become completely toxic as a couple, but doesn’t necessarily imply he is drinking 24/7. She doesn’t have nor can she seem to afford child care for the younger ones to be able to work full time to support herself with him being involved. With the medical issues simply making matter worse.

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Far away from him!! If you have family to help…?? Move where he doesnt know where. File protective order and divorce… Change phone numbers. Get state help if have too… Change bank account also.

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Cut him off. He is a grown up and needs to fend for himself, now.

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she don’t live with him, nor do the kids, she took off with her oldest left the young ones, she just dum leaving her kids with him, go to a shelter, wtf does he even have access to her bank, more to the story she not telling, u don’t leave kids with a loser drunk, we’re is her family, her sons family, :thinking: u get benefits for the son ,

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Why are you paying for 2 households? Leave with all kids and get police involved

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Get your kids out of there.
If you are paying for everything in the house he lives in, cut off the services. Give notice to the landlord. You aren’t his mother, he’s not your responsibility, your kids are.

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I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. I don’t know you, but, I will pray for you and your children… but, I am having a hard time getting past the fact that you left your children with an alcoholic daddy… that is not ok under any circumstances.

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Why are you paying him? You should be IN your home with your 3 kids and kick his ass out! He needs to get out and get a job!

I would immediately go to family court and file a petition for child support. Let the judge scare him a little. Ridiculous. I don’t understand why women give men passes like this!

Are you in the U.S.? Contact a Women’s center or shelter. They may be able to get you help with housing, help you find low cost lawyers, sliding s Cale day care, get medical insurance/Medicaid, food stamps, and most importantly, help you all to be SAFE.

See if you can negotiate with the hospital to reduce your costs, ask for charitable services, and/or negotiate a long-term payment plan.

Get only court supervised custody for him until he has been sober at least 6 months, then you can test the waters for longer and/or unsupervised visits. He should have to pay some child support even if he’s unemployed. Do you have a good relationship with his family? Could they pitch in with child care?

Document ex’s drinking, harassment etc. for court and possibly police. Talk to a lawyer about if you can get in trouble for leaving the kids in care of a drunk though.

Look to religious institutions, retirement communities, neighbors, colleges and universities with early childhood education, child psychology, counseling, special education and other majors for free or low cost babysitting. Does your school have child care options available for students and staff? How about your employer? There may be new child care subsidies or assistance available from federal, state or local government you can access also.

If you own where your ex lives, start the eviction process now. If you’re on a lease, see what you need to do to break the lease. Go to your bank and see if they can negotiate with your creditors to come up with a payment plan that will reduce your debt, or recommend a reputable service that will do the same. Look into bankruptcy but I don’t recommend it if you can possibly avoid it.

There is light at he end of the tunnel and you will be a hero to your kids. They never remember what you got them as presents, so don’t worry about that, but will always remember your love and care. They will cherish little things, like a letter of appreciation, a McDonald’s toy, or my young son’s favorite, his own jar of olives! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:. The fun is in seeing something wrapped, guessing what it might be, and the fun of unwrapping it, not necessarily what’s in the package.

Buy basic clothes from thrift stores; save your money for new shoes and underwear. Swap clothes with other moms with kids older and younger than yours.

You or one of your friends can start a Go Fund Me page. Reach out to your (or a) religious institution, friends and family for help. Heck, I’d bet people on here would send you money and put you and your kids up if we knew where you were.

You are working, in school and raising four children! You are superwoman. See if your workplace has any services available also. Is your employer contributing to the cost of your education? Do they offer subsidies or the possibility of setting aside pre-tax money for day care?

Eat more vegetarian meals to save money: tofu, beans and whole grains, yoghurt and eggs are all good sources of healthy protein and are cheap. Buy non perishables in bulk. See if powdered milk is cheaper than cartons or gallons. Give up eating out as much as possible. Healthy frozen dinners are about the same cost as fast food and much better for everyone. Even fairly young kids can microwave them. Get subsidized breakfasts and lunches from schools. Some programs send kids home with food on weekends. Even littles can make sandwiches with cheese slices, lunch meat prepared tuna salad or peanut butter.

Your 12 year old could earn money occasionally babysitting, mowing lawns to help your finances. He may be able to help at camps and vacation Bible school instead of your paying to send him to camp in the summer.

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So sad you shouldn’t pay for 2 places

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first of all. stop paying for him. 2nd. get a restraining order.

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You did not come THIS FAR to only come THIS far. You will get there. Keep the kids safe. Keep them away from him while he’s drinking, it’s not healthy for them.
Stop paying for him, and any bills that are in your name at his residence, shut off.

Sending love.

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get a restraining order and stop paying for his shit.

unfortunately since you’ve been the breadwinner in the household & he was full time dad the courts may have you paying alimony since you provided a lifestyle he became accustomed to… he needs to get a job

Get help from the state. Stop paying anything for him. And ask the state to file for child support. He needs to grow up.

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Don’t pay for his stuff!

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Get a restraining order and take him to court for child support.stop paying anything for him!

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Cut him off the bank account & shut off everything in his house in your name off. Change your number & get a restraining order. Don’t get sucked in to his sob story.

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Quit paying for his free ride. Take ALL the kids and go to a shelter or something. You can most likely even get a voucher for a hotel room too. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and neither do your kids. With your ex drinking that can be dangerous for your Littles. so please cut him off and worry about you and the kids only

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I’m having a hard time with the fact you left 3 young children with an alcoholic. No judgement I know we sometimes have to make hard choices. As for him keeping all their belongings you can take that up in family court & make him return their stuff or pay you for it (don’t hold your breath). All I can say is that I have hit bottom like you & had to start over from nothing. It’s very overwhelming & emotionally difficult. Reach out to any services available. Talk to your children’s teachers & social workers. They have resources to help you. 211 is also a valuable source of information. DV agencies are another. You need counseling too.

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You only took one kid with you when you left ? Like wtf🤔 all my babies come with me! Maybe thats why you have bad ojos 🤷

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You’re allowing him to ruin it for you! Stop. Supporting. Him. I don’t understand how he has done you and your kids like he has and you’re still paying his bills. He’s a grown ass man. File for custody. File for child support. File for visitation. Focus on you and your kids. He is not your responsibility. If he doesn’t pay child support, the state will handle it. If he doesn’t show for his visitation, let it go.

Put you and your kids first don’t worry about him. That’s what you need to do. If he can’t work and provide for his kids that is on him. That is not your responsibility to make him man up. Or you may have had a crazy work cause he could’ve done something to help out to he chose not to. Don’t take the flag put a plan in place and do what you Gotta do to take care of yourself and your children.

Why did you leave the other 3 kids behind? If he’s an alcoholic, and out of control like you said. I would NEVER leave my kids in that situation.

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You have taken your first step, keep on stepping you will rise agian , go to your local woman’s shelter if your state has one.file for support. And credit cards will work with you on payments , tell yourself you got this…

Stop paying for your ex, he is a grown ass adult, he can pay his own shit. That should cuts your costs in half. You have no obligation to pay for him.

You’re doing your best mama. Your children will see that. Also put that man on child support, take your name off everything and cut all contact. I don’t know your reasons for leaving the babies so I’m not going to judge you for that. I’m so glad you have them with you now. Just keep moving forward and things will get better little by little :white_heart:

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why are you paying for 2 households, when you only live in one? second, you could have gotten a police officer to go over there with you, since it was also your house to get all of yours & your kids belongings & you still should , After that you are doing well

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You need help.
Therapy.

U sound like an unstable mess especially leaving ur youngest three with a drunk and only taking your oldest and u chose to have sex with him and get pregnant again …on top of your letter sounding choppy and not being forth right with the story …I’m starting to wonder if this letter is for real …it screams DRAMA

You got this. You’re almost there. Prayers sister. Be strong. See if there are any resources you can get any help from. You had a rough road , hugs from afar .

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Quit supporting him. He will survive .

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Quit supporting him, go to a shelter as shelters have resources, call 2-1-1 and check their resources. File for emergency custody of all your kids through an exparte motion.

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Keep going! Cut off anything in your name from his grubby paws and put him on CS for yalls kids. Keep everything for evidence. Focus on yall and let him fall where ever

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YOU are Amazing and don’t you forget it!!! Them kids see You!! They see momma busting her ass to achieve her goals right along with caring for them!..
Sounds like your feeling unsure of yourself, that’s ok but SHAKE IT OFF MOMMA!!! YOU GOT THIS!! Stay THE COURSE!! You came this far and you are SO CLOSE to your goals!! I bet your kids are SO PROUD OF YOU :heartpulse:
You need to dust his dirt off and Cut his apron strings OFF!! Keep your kids AWAY from him and tell him HE NEEDS TO LEVEL UP!!

Quit paying for his living situation. Get your name off everything so you don’t have to pay for him any longer.
Apply for low income living. It can be temporary, apply for state help.

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His ass would be out of the house and me & my kids in, especially if I’m paying all the bills! Get the police involved and take charge of the situation! No more Lil’ Miss Nice one!!

Dont put anymore money in the acct. Open up a new one in your name. Dont sleep in your car. If the cops or social services find out they could take your kids. Stay with a close friend or family member. If there is noone go to a shelter and contact social services and housing authority and they can help and get him for child support and take out a restraining order.

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Why are you paying for his house? He’s the one who needs kicked out. You can’t quit now, you’ve come so far. Go to your township, see what they can do for you.

Under whose name(s) is the house under?
If you leave, that may be considered a andonment by the state (not sure if marital status affects this in your state).
You should have told him to leave. If he didn’t comply, you should have taken all of your children with you.
I doubt you will get any child support. Maybe you could use that in your favor. If the SO/BF leaves without a hassle, you will not file for child support (for now). I mean, you have been doing it this long by yourself (finances, etc).

Stop paying for his finances. If that house/residence is not in your name it is all on him.

Him drinking does not necessarily make him a bad dad. And like someone mentioned above, he may not be drinking all the time. Maybe he doesn’t drink when he has the kids. Who knows. But she stayed with him this long knowing he was an alcoholic and had three babies by him. Women need to realize their situation and protect themselves. And they need to know when to get out. All women stick around thinking that the men will change. They will not change! Or they relapse! Same goes with women. It is not always about the men.

Why would you leave your kids with an alcoholic ? They are also your kids not just the oldest one.

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I’ve been in your shoes to a degree.
#1 - if it is not too late you call the Police to escort you back to your house to get your kids’ belongings, beds, everything!
#2 - yes seriously, I had one from a different husband … Did you know you can draw an that child’s dad’s Social Security Death Benefits for them AND YOU as the mother until that child turns 18 or had graduated from high school - whichever comes LAST… You might have to be single, to do it. You might fill out a form that states you are legally separated at this time. It is worth it, trust me.
Also, you can get a cheap ($225.) divorce if he will sign it. You fill out the paperwork then you present it to the Court. Same thing with the Legal Separation…
AND, with kids you are eligible for a number of programs. I know - I use to be the Low Income Rep for our County. :wink:

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Police civil service? Go back & grab your necessities! Like you said, you did it before (on your own), you’ll do it again :muscle:t3: Good luck :four_leaf_clover:!!

I’m stuck on “I left with my oldest”… wth :unamused:

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Why would you leave your 3 youngest with an active alcoholic. Before you answer that there is NO answer for that!

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P.S. - I’m sorry you’re going through this … you’ve got to protect your children from a poor role model, no matter how much you love him. You are all your children have - I promise.

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Wow, it sounds like you make poor reproductive choices. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I know that you are overwhelmed by this life changing event.
Take baby steps to get to where you want to be.

I agree with the majority of the post on here.

Stop paying for his bills.

Go with the Police to get your and the Children’s personal property.

Get help from the State. Hopefully you qualify with working 40 hours per week.

What got me through it is knowing, “that this is just a moment, and it will get better!”

:pray:t3:Sending love, light and positive energy.:pray:t3:

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I’m trying to understand why you’re paying the bills for somewhere you aren’t living. Give him 30 days to vacate that home and have him kicked out.

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So did you leave and only take the one child ? Why would you leave the others with an alcoholic? No get rid of him … he will say you left your kids

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None of this makes sense. If you pay for everything then you should have kicked him out not left your kids. Only newborns go to the nicu. What do you mean you don’t care about shelter for your kids? How are you working and going to school if no one is watching your kids?

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Deep breath you can do this…

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Have you applied for assistance through government agencies?

Go to a women’s shelter, get legal advice. Kick him out of the house… Why is he in the house and you are paying his bills? I don’t understand…

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The Covid and high prices are making people homeless they are depressed and cracking up. On top of that your husbands an alcoholic and can’t go to AA meetings to help because they closed them cause of Covid What a mess go where it warm and get a tent Crimes way up be careful

Oh if there is anyway you can get a nice size used van it’s cheaper than rent

Don’t pay how bills anymore . Worry about you and the kids . You got this mumma . Don’t be afraid to ask for help either xo

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If you own where he is living get the police to kick him out. Turn off all his stuff! Don’t pay for anything for him! Go find a lawyer and don’t ever go back!

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File a restraining order on him

You are incredible to say the least. You are going through a tremendously difficult time… but you will start to find your way on your own with your kids, setting yourself back up. It will be hard but you will look back seeing how strong you are and independent #strongwoman :heart: