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QUESTION:
"I’m a teacher, recently divorced, and a momma of 4. A guy I went to high school started messaging me on Monday. We have been chatting all week and plan to go to dinner next Saturday. He has been such a gentleman and very sweet. He texts me every morning when he gets up and text me throughout the day too. I did not look him up on case net since I knew him from high school, but my sister did. She is super protective after what I went through with my last marriage (no abuse, just unfaithful and lied all the time). Anyway, when she looked him up, he had 2 charges for “adult abuse/stalking”. 2 different women, 4 years apart. I asked him about it and explained that as a mom and teacher, that I need to know what these were. He wasn’t upset that I asked and said he understood why. 1st charge was over a court thing for his son and the mother. He told her that they “both needed a bullet in the head for son’s sake because they can’t get along.” So the son’s mom claimed it as a threat and they issued a protection order. The second was a ex that he said was upset when he didn’t want to date her again. He said that called herself making inappropriate noises and claimed that it was him. He said he brought in phone records to prove he didn’t make the call and a text from her saying that the protection order was his Christmas gift. I 100% realize that there are 2 sides of the story, but this isn’t the guy I knew from high school ( I also know that people change). I also know that there are dishonest women that will pull things like this to ruin a guy. I work with my former teacher (and his). She told me to give him a chance. She remembers him as a great kid. The son of a teacher I work with also runs the warehouse where he currently works. He said that the guy I’m talking to is a decent guy. Other than those two concerns, I’m not getting weird vibes from him and I feel like he is being honest. In general, no one is meeting my children for a while once we start dating. Would you consider dating him?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I would take it very very slow. My husband has been to prison before & if you met him now he’s a completely different person so I do think people can change but just take it slow. For your safety but also your kids. Hang out with him, see if you get any weird vibes. I’m not saying I would date him, but I would take the time to get to know him again & see how you feel about things. Also, it’s kind of a big step but if he ever meets your friends or your sister, see what they tell you about him. Some people get a bad feeling before you’re able to."
"I would take it very very slow. My husband has been to prison before & if you met him now he’s a completely different person so I do think people can change but just take it slow. For your safety but also your kids. Hang out with him, see if you get any weird vibes. I’m not saying I would date him, but I would take the time to get to know him again & see how you feel about things. Also, it’s kind of a big step but if he ever meets your friends or your sister, see what they tell you about him. Some people get a bad feeling before you’re able to."
"Having worked with domestic violence survivors and the courts in getting protection orders he is minimizing what really happened. My question would be “what led up to you saying such a horrible thing to your child’s mother?” Not getting along is not an excuse to say that. There is a lot more to that story. As for the 2nd one it sounds iffy. If she sent him a text saying the protection order was a Christmas gift she violated the order that she placed on him so she may be one that lied to get what she wanted. Sometimes protection orders are granted for silly stuff. It depends on the judge and how they handle domestic situations. The court that I worked with never granted them unless there was prof of physical abuse. The county I live in handles them out regardless of the situation. My advise is to go on a date but only in a public place. Ask him again in person and hear his response (rather same or different), watch his body language, and if he looks at you directly when answering. Being a teacher I know you can spot when someone is lying because students do it all the time."
"Speaking from experience, it’s never as innocent as they make it sound, especially involving more than one incident with more than one person. One being his own son. There is a reason they issued those charges."
"I wouldn’t even chance it. You ha e children to think about. Your kids and your safety is more important than allowing someone in your life that you have lost contact with for years. People change . People can also hide who they truly are to others. You never trulyknow what goes on behind closed doors."
"Absolutely not. No way, no how. You have to be able to document things for court orders, they don’t just hand them out repeatedly for no reason. Protect yourself, your heart and your children. Tooooo many red flags."
"Charming to everyone around him until you get closer to him or behind closed doors… Red flagsss… Bc of course hes gonna downplay those charges when asked. Don’t do it."
"You have kids to think about. Why chance it when 2 different women have brought charges against him. He will lie to get what he wants. You are asking for trouble. I would leave it alone and move on. Once you let him in, you might not be able to get him out"
"If it were just you I’d say if you feel confident about him then go out with him and see what happens. BUT since you have kids I say a big ole fat NO. The comments about a bullet in the head shows what kind of mind he has and where his mind goes. His answer to issues is violence and hatefulness. Your kids do not need this,plus this is probably not a person your ex would want around once he finds out the guys history. Nor would you if your ex started going out with a psycho woman that your kids might interact with a some point."
"Sorry, keep yourself safe. This is red flag city, no reason for one person to have two charges by two different women for the exact same issue. He falls hard, falls fast, and won’t let go until it’s legally required for him to. You don’t need this stress."
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