Would you even address it at all?

My mother in law and I are close and spend a lot of time together. She often disparages herself and makes jokes or passive comments about how she isn’t smart. It makes me uncomfortable and I never know what to say. I obviously don’t agree, but the way she layers it into conversation always makes it awkward to address.

She is a smart, good person and deserves to feel good about herself.

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If she said something like that I would just say “no don’t say that!” Or “stop being silly” it’s still going to be awkward but I always say things like that to help & not let the other person think “omg am I?” Because nothing is said (I’m also an over thinker though so I do that)

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Would you even address it at all?

just be open with her, tell her how you feel, show her how to love her self :heart:

I also do this without realizing my low Self esteem is showing so regularly. A good reminder from a loved one is always appreciated. Imo build her up so she can one day free herself. “I don’t think that at all, I think you’re wonderful and don’t like when you say negative things about yourself”

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I grew up being taught that if you speak well of yourself you are conceited. It’s almost like I was humbled into low self esteem. I say stuff like this in conversations, even tho I know I’m better than I say. And I feel guilty even saying that now because I feel conceited lol.

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My response to people I care about disparaging themselves is: I would never stand silent and let someone else say these things about you, so I won’t let you say them either.

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Next time she does something that you like/agree with…just make sure to tell her.
It’s a hard balance.
But don’t wait until she’s disparaging herself to give a compliment. She’ll likely feel like you’re only saying it because you feel like you have to.

You could work into the conversations that she is smart, loving/caring, a good person etc. Try doing it before she works her self insults into the conversation. People with anxiety/depression tend to need reassurance. Be proactive with the reassurance. It doesn’t even need to be in conversation, it can be random. If she cooks dinner, acknowledge that she’s a good cook. If she is wearing something flattering, tell her she looks amazing. Encourage her. Encourage the rest of the family to do the same.

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I catch myself doing this. It drives my husband crazy. He would get mad but that didn’t stop it. One day he looked at me and said “you’re not going to keep talking down about a woman that I love and admire like this.” And that did it. That gave me a different perspective and made me rethink putting myself down.

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It’s quite sad, I’m sure that’s what she was told growing up… Now she says it first before anyone else does, this way she is in control. Love on her and tell her how smart she is as often as you can

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Counter it with something she is good at. Not everyone has book smarts and that’s okay. My boyfriend’s dad makes jokes about not knowing how to read and is a mechanic. I can read scientific papers, but you wouldn’t want to let me anywhere near fixing a car. :person_shrugging: Everyone is different. My boyfriend has a CDL, I can’t parallel park my car. We get up to something, I get the research task, he gets the mechanical tasks.

Why is this even a question?
Spread the love girl! Compliments and kindness can make somebody’s day❤️
Everybody likes to hear good things about themselves

:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart: I do this to myself everyday. I have since I’ve been a child. Trauma does that to people. You have no idea how important you probably are to her. Next time just tell her exactly how you feel. That she isn’t dumb or stupid and tell her all the wonderful things you love about her. People don’t realize how important it is for us to love each other through things like that. I promise you every loving word will seep right into those cracks of doubt she carries around :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

Read the last sentence you wrote.
Tell her just that :purple_heart:

I would just start empathizing the times she is smart and helpful, say who if you weren’t so smart or so awesome ect… . Sometimes people have not heard that enough in thier lifetimes. Shine the light on her when you can . This will sink in faster then trying to convince her .

Just tel her she’s not and keep the positive comments going her way