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QUESTION:
"My mother-in-law and I are close and spend a lot of time together. She often disparages herself and makes jokes or passive comments about how she isn’t smart. It makes me uncomfortable and I never know what to say. I obviously don’t agree, but the way she layers it into conversation always makes it awkward to address. She is a smart, good person and deserves to feel good about herself."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I also do this without realizing my low Self esteem is showing so regularly. A good reminder from a loved one is always appreciated. Imo build her up so she can one day free herself. “I don’t think that at all, I think you’re wonderful and don’t like when you say negative things about yourself”"
"Next time she does something that you like/agree with…just make sure to tell her. It’s a hard balance. But don’t wait until she’s disparaging herself to give a compliment. She’ll likely feel like you’re only saying it because you feel like you have to."
"You could work into the conversations that she is smart, loving/caring, a good person etc. Try doing it before she works her self insults into the conversation. People with anxiety/depression tend to need reassurance. Be proactive with the reassurance. It doesn’t even need to be in conversation, it can be random. If she cooks dinner, acknowledge that she’s a good cook. If she is wearing something flattering, tell her she looks amazing. Encourage her. Encourage the rest of the family to do the same."
"I catch myself doing this. It drives my husband crazy. He would get mad but that didn’t stop it. One day he looked at me and said “you’re not going to keep talking down about a woman that I love and admire like this.” And that did it. That gave me a different perspective and made me rethink putting myself down."
"It’s quite sad, I’m sure that’s what she was told growing up… Now she says it first before anyone else does, this way she is in control. Love on her and tell her how smart she is as often as you can"
"I would just start empathizing the times she is smart and helpful, say who if you weren’t so smart or so awesome, etc…. Sometimes people have not heard that enough in their lifetimes. Shine the light on her when you can. This will sink in faster than trying to convince her."
"Why is this even a question? Spread the love girl! Compliments and kindness can make somebody’s day. Everybody likes to hear good things about themselves."
"My response to people I care about disparaging themselves is: I would never stand silent and let someone else say these things about you, so I won’t let you say them either."
"just be open with her, tell her how you feel, show her how to love her self"
"If she said something like that I would just say “no don’t say that!” Or “stop being silly” it’s still going to be awkward but I always say things like that to help & not let the other person think “omg am I?” Because nothing is said (I’m also an over-thinker though so I do that)"
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