Would you let your SO’s parents buy Xmas presents for your child if they’re not involved in their life? My SO’s parents texted him asked him what our daughter would like for Xmas. I feel like I should tell them nothing, that she would like their time instead. Am I wrong for wanting that? They were in her life as a baby, and now she’s a toddler (with ASD), and they never ask to see her. What should I do?
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Well we are in the middle of a pandemic, so there’s that. So for about the last 8 to 9 months, I think they have a good excuse…
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Maybe you should talk to them about how you feel and set something up with them. Take baby steps maybe they feel like your not comfortable with them around? Just communicate and see what happens.
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Hell i want to tell my own son’s “father” that for years now . But if their absence is due to the pandemic i would as well consider that a pretty good reasoning
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Suggest activities for them to do together instead of gifts and see what they say
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I feel like to those saying “wElL wE aRe In A pAnDeMiC” that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t call the child, FaceTime or ask to see a picture for Pete sake. If you want to be a part of someone’s life, you are. Period. As far as my answer, i feel like i would explain that she won’t understand getting a present from a stranger at this point so unless they wanna play Santa, no thanks.
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I’ve been in the same boat with “in laws” and me personally really wants to say dont bother but for my children’s sake I allow it. Cant let personal, adult issues impact your kids
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Okay soooo… Maybe they dont know how to react with your kid? Is he/she verbal? Theres a lot missing to this in my opinion… If your kid is non verbal… Maybe they dont know how to act… Talk to them? Find out why they are absent and go from there.
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Tell them how you feel. You never know, they might feel you wanted them to stay distant. If they still want to send something let it be from Santa. If you just don’t want your child to have a gift from them, let them send it and then you can always donate it to another child or organization. There will be so many without gifts this year.
I think if they want to give their grandchild a gift, let them. They don’t need anyone to explain 2 them that they should spend time not $. They are adults. Besides then you’ll never have the guilt of depriving them or your child. Just my opinion. Good luck 
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Let them buy her something. Its not for you.
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I’d just be glad they thought of her. My daughter is 13 and her grandmother and aunts and uncles live directly across the road and not once have they ever bought her a birthday or Xmas present
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My mother in law doesn’t try to be involved AT ALL. I’ve tried for years, even said I would find something else to do while she spends time with my husband and our son. She doesn’t call, text, doesn’t send or ask to send any gifts, anything. But she’s quick to say how im keeping them from her and horrible of a person i am sooo 
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Take the gifts and let it have their names on it and not Santa. Include the gifts in your yearly photos and videos of gift opening. When your daughter is old enough to understand she will see that there’s no memories of these people and the random gift from them was just that, random.
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Let them spend their money and your kiddo gets some gifts. Make sure to tell them the really expensive ones you don’t wanna buy, so it saves you 
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Let them do what they can you never know what’s going on and they did raise their own so technically they’re no longer obligated to spend their time… doesn’t make it right but who’s to say they are wrong 
children know what’s going on allow her to make her own decisions about the people in her life…of course when the time comes…no one is her mother but you so no one will ever love her like you as long as you’re there who cares about who isn’t… and one more gift on top of many never hurt a kid
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I would make them get her the most expensive gift you can think of.
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People shouldn’t have temporary spots in our kids’ lives. If they don’t wanna be continuously in their lives then drop them. Many people may not realize but going in and out of a child’s life leaves a mark.
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My father isn’t in my life, but tries now that I have a daughter to be a “grandpa” and honestly… we call him papa Brian so it’s casual ( just in case he decides to leave again) but kids are kids, and loving is loving even for a short time. As long as they aren’t creating a negative impact in any way this far I’d allow it. However I wouldn’t allow them so close as to let her miss them
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That’s how I would feel. I would be honest about how you feel.
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No you’re not wrong at all stick to your guns ive been dealing with that sort of.thing for years
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In the same boat. My daughter just had her birthday yesterday, and her paternal grandmother didn’t even acknowledge it. ;(
But I say take what you can get… Even if it’s just gifts or even a card, that way, the child will have some thing to remember them by…
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Tell them she wants an Xbox Series X or PS5
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I think many do not understand autism spectrum disorder. I am often impressed when I pay attention to children who are challenged. Their families have to devote their lives to help them develop and adapt. No child should ever be hidden, no child should be ignored, Sometimes you have to give special children more attention and slowly exposure all their senses in order for them to show us their special talents. No matter how small the talent, it needs to be praised to encourage a repeat effort. It is a cold heart that ignores any child. Try inviting this self-distancing person to a mid-day visit in your home, with you, your husband, and your child. Tell them you are creating a memories photo album for your child and wish to start with family members in small familiar settings. That might break the ice.
We are in the middle of a pandemic so I’m not surprised they aren’t coming around right now or even asking to. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with telling them somethings to get her and suggesting they put more effort into being involved with her:
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Yes, she wears a size electricity or water bill… 
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If they’re asking what she wants obviously they’re thinking of her, sometimes older people really just want to enjoy their free time rather than playing Grandma and Grandpa and there’s nothing wrong with that it’s just who they are. Let them buy her a present
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Love is shown in many ways. Allow them every bit wether big or small because at the end of the day it still love
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Mark it as a Santa gift and let them think they’re making a difference. It’s not about you.
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I’d take the gifts if they want to send them to her.
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Not many understand or know how to raise or help raise a child with Autism. While yes they shouldn’t be just buying and should be there. Have you taken the time to find out why? Taken the time to introduce what autism is and means to you all as a family? I have two with ASD, ODD, Sensory Processing, and Anxiety disorder. Not many are capable of dealing with it and never know how to react or what to say. It doesn’t always come natural unfortunately. Heck it definitely didn’t for me and I’m the mama
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let the girl have her gifts from her grandparents, why not invite them over or have a talk with them that you would like them in her life let you SO take her to visit them if you are not interested or willing you are only hurting your child with holding/refusing gifts and that would be sad
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I’m having the same issue with my kids paternal family. They want nothing to do with them until it comes time for birthday parties (someone on their side) or holidays.
I personally don’t celebrate any holiday, and I have told them that they are to not get my kids anything because we will not be going anymore those days (pandemic or not) I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that the only time to hangout with family is when you can buy them presents. (Then they get upset if you can’t)
I would much rather them actually spend time with them and make the effort but they’ve chosen not too
It really depends on how you feel , do you want your kiddo to only know them as the people that buy her presents? And nothing else
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If they are older cut him some slack there’s a pandemic but then there is also the fact maybe they’re tired maybe they want to enjoy their life a little bit instead of being with children it’s not a bad thing just let him buy them the damn gas quit being an idiot
What’s the reason why they ain’t in their grandchild life. Have you had a fall out with them is it cause of the covid
I would say a gift of time would be nicest, but with the COVID restrictions that time might have to be on the phone, a nice family photo would also be a nice gift, or let them know something your daughter needs. Frankly this year has been a nightmare for many elderly family members, wanting to see family but afraid to because of COVID, the fear of catching it, and the bigger fear of unknowingly passing it on. I think you need to talk to them ask nicely without getting angry and defensive about why they have been absent, and try to be understanding. Also one thing you need to keep in mind is that people old enough to have grandchildren don’t always like the toddler years, where kids are noisy and don’t behave well, not that we don’t love the grandkids it is just harder to put up with the noize and rowdy behavior of a typical toddler, in 20 years you will understand exactly what I am saying.
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A gift is a gift 
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As a parent it’s your decision me I would say no thank you your time is more important as I see it from my inner child’s point of view my mother and father split when I was young his mother had her involment with us 1 time a year to come and give us gifts my mom never said no she wanted to always give a chance she has a big heart I turned 13 years old and I realised I didn’t want the gifts I wanted time and affection from my grandmother I made the decision when she showed up I was out I got a call from my mom saying she’s here I told my mom to tell her thank you but I don’t want the gifts and won’t be coming home I want a grandmother who wants me not wants to buy me with gifts as she would visit my other cousins who love 5 minutes away from me frequently throughout the years so on that note I ended it and haven’t spoken to her since that was 12 years ago at the end of the day its your decision as a parent you choose whatever you want for your baby no matter what anyone says me I want to protect mine with everything as he has autism it’s them missing out your baby will have all your love no matter what xx
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Maybe this is their way of trying to get back in her life. We have been in a pandemic since March so i think this is a time to be understanding
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stop being so sensitive obviously they want to buy her something for Christmas so they are thinking about her !! People sometimes get caught up in their own lives and can’t always be there for your convenience !!
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Maybe send them info & links on how to deal w autism in kids. They may be of the generation when moms were blamed for a kid’s autism and feel guilty, or they don’t know how to interact with her & just feel responsible/helpless/afraid/like they’ll somehow screw up or make things worse.
Or maybe they’re ashamed to have a “disabled” grandchild. Horrible, but maybe having them read up & getting them in a “grandparents of ASD kids” support group would help them be more comfortable & realize it’s not the worst thing & there are tons of folks in the same boat. Most crap stems from fear of being uncomfortable.
Like the picture of faces on a page so non-verbal kids can point out how they feel, give them some choices of what you think might be wrong and let them pick one or explain their problem.
In the end if you’ve made a valiant effort to find out the problem and they still won’t come around, well, maybe just accept that it’s not going to work & decide what to do with the presents: donate or just say, hey, free present from weird people you never see & leave it at that. Sometimes you have to explain someone in your family just ain’t right! Most families have someone like this. As long as kids know it’s not them, it’s the other person’s problem, they will be OK.
We had to explain why one grandma idolized her grandson but not her granddaughter. We said it has nothing to do with her or her brother, but enjoy what she can get out of the situation (still got presents, trips, & everyone else stepped up to give her a happy childhood). Learning that people have quirks & not to take them personally is an awesome talent to have in life.
Ask for something expensive since they wanna act like that . Lmfao jk
l will give her some money xxx
Maybe they don’t know how to connect with her, maybe ASD confuses them, hell maybe the toddler years annoy them lol I would allow them to buy her stuff and come see her open them at least they will be there for that. Maybe try talking to them about they haven’t been around. Dont be subtle about it but not rude either. Sometimes older people don’t know how to handle a toddler. Its a crazy stage in life lol
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My late husband’s parents send money and cards for holidays and birthdays but we don’t interact with them much. It’s kind of nice really, my children know who they are and they do see them maybe once a year, but I don’t really worry about awkward phone calls or visits. I’d let them see them more if they wanted to but everyone seems content the way it is so why screw it up? Anyways, at Christmas all people in our families either send gift cards or those debit gift card things and I use them towards a family outing for our three daughters and me and my SO. We already have enough toys and stuff. Time for memories. The girls love seeing the cards and they know their family loves them.
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Hell no. If my partners parents or my dad sent gifts, I’d send them back. My kids dont know them, dont ask for them and i feel like it sets a precedent that 1 day they’ll see the kids. Its not happening. Im not giving them false hope and im not taking a dam thing from any of them. If they cared they would have showed that a long time ago
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I would except their gifts sometimes life gets in the way we have grandkids the same age as our kids that we only see on special occasions and with the pandemic it has made it even less we see them, we also get so busy we sometimes don’t call for months, also as parents raising a daughter with autism and adhd and a 2nd daughter with adhd a son that possibly has adhd but to little to diagnose yet it is sometimes hard for people to connect even us at times with our daughter people especially older ones sometimes don’t know how to deal with it I had to educate my gma as in her time if someone had something that was not up to society standards they were institutionalized and forgotten about. Except the gift and educate them about your daughter so they can become the best grandparents at least they are making an effort some don’t ever try
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Just let them buy gifts for her. Hell my side of the family isn’t around me yet I let them buy stuff for my daughter.
Yes absolutely. I’ll let anyone buy my son xmas or birthday gifts if they want to.
On a personal note, I haven’t met my niece in law and I just bought her baby xmas gifts and she gave me her address to send them and she got my son stuff.
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As a military family, usually hours away from both sides of our family, please enjoy any form of communication. This is about your child, not you. My inlaws have both passed, I never met my husband’s mother, and my biological father died when I was 14…so I cherish any and all family interactions no matter how small or superficial from his side (and mine to be honest). Maybe they just are not good with toddlers and presents are the only thing they feel they can provide right now. Be grateful for the gift, accept it gracefully, do not write from Santa on it. Sometimes perspective is needed.
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A kid can’t receive gifts from an uninvolved grandparent but I’m sure Santa Clauss is good to drop off a boatload of crap 
let them buy their love and move on
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I tried over and over again with my son’s grandparents, it’s all they’re good for is two gifts a year! It is what it is, it used to bother me, yes he deserves more, but it’s their loss!
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Just accept the gifts. It’s not worth the drama. My parents are like this. They have no problem buying my kids gifts for special occasions but time is something they just don’t give them. I’ve told them in nice ways and I’ve asked them to babysit. They don’t even call to ask how they are but have no problem bragging to their friends how much they love them. I’ve stopped putting pictures of my kids on Facebook because they’ll save the picture and share it. They don’t need to see pictures of them if they don’t seem in person.
The gift is for your child, accept it, but their loss if they don’t want to spend time with your kids, my parents never bothered with my kids, and my kids grew up not wanting nothing to do with them because they didn’t know them, sad but it is what it is, I would accept the gift, cause it’s your kids present. At least it’s a token gesture on their part. But if they can’t be bothered with kids, don’t force a relationship, their loss, you are better off without them.
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I totally understand wanting them to be more involved, maybe try inviting them over to visit you guys and your daughter? But I don’t see how some gifts would hurt I know my family lived far so they would send us something in the mail because they couldn’t come see us.
Open communication and tell them how you feel about this situation. If you feel so strongly about this than dont hold back and express yourself. they might not even know anything is the matter. If you explain how you feel and they still act like this than you have an answer. lots of problems come from failed communication and not the reason you may think
Honestly I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I let my mother adopt my second daughter there is a very long story behind it okay and it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. She no longer wanted anything to do with my first daughter. And it’s been that way ever since. She’s always treated my daughter unfairly because I let her adopt Charlotte. yes my daughter would love time with her grandmother more than anything but honestly is she called me right now wanting to know what my daughter wanted for Christmas I would tell her. but honestly it don’t matter about five hundred strangers and their opinions on Facebook. The only thing that matters is you and your opinion and how you feel about the situation. you can have everybody in the world tell you how they feel but the only thing that matters at the end of the day is how you feel about it. I have family who I have not seen since I was 7 years old my daughter has never met my aunts and uncles except for a couple of them. But if they called me wanting to know what she wanted for Christmas I think I would definitely tell them because first of all my family is in the military so I mean we’re everywhere except for my part of the family lol. Something has to break the eyes you know what I mean. Pick your battles! my Aunt Phyllis would send me $100 check every year after I moved to Florida until I was 18 and I didn’t see my aunt after I was 7 years old and to this day I’ve not seen my aunt Phyllis. But if she called me I would tell her what my daughter wanted for Christmas. like I said the only advised I’m going to give you is to follow your heart. You can’t take 500 strangers advice on something that you should truly think about and decide within yourself!
They’re her grandparents no matter what. It won’t hurt your daughter to let them give her gifts.
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Absolutely. The kids, in time grow to know who they want in their life. My kids appreciate the gifts, but that’s where it ends. They have grown to understand for themselves what family really means. They never ask about the family members that are not involved and we allow them to either stay in communication or not. The choice is their’s. They don’t. 
I would just let them buy the gifts. If they dont try harder to be involved that’s on them and there missing out on spending time with there grandkids. But saying something would just cause conflict and that is the last thing on my list. I focus on the people in my sons life now but I’d be happy they thought of him with a gift!
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I can see how that would be upsetting but there’s not a lot of time between baby and toddler. Just because they haven’t seen your child in a while doesn’t make them not the grandparents or show that they don’t love them. You should let them get a gift but be honest about how you feel. In a calm manner tell them that you are upset and wish they would come see her.
The only present they could offer imo is their time… phone, Skype an afternoon out. I wouldn’t accept a gift fm any other stranger for my child so I don’t fm my parents either
Do whatever you want to do. You’re the momma bear that has to protect her cub.
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Maybe see if they’ll get her an experience (zoo pass, museum passes, etc) rather than a physical gift. And then suggest that they come along when you take her.
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I’m in this same position, and honestly with how toxic my SO family is I wouldn’t accept the gifts. Butttt, that’s just me because I know it would be held against us in the long run. They dont try to see our kids either, they come and go and I dont think it’s right to only want to be a grandparent when its good timing for them. They would end up telling us that we were just using them for gifts or something down the road. Even though we have never asked them for anything, but if they offer they always find a way to turn it around on us (mostly me).
Some people only send gifts, some people show up and sometimes you get people who do both.
If your SO has a halfway decent relationship with his parents, let him respond… he can say something as simple as well lately she has really been into XYZ and leave it at that.
As far as the grandparents, you have to meet people where they are, not where you want them to be. Unless they’ve been disrespectful towards you then I would consider trying to gain an understanding as to why their involvement is pretty much now non-existent. Is it because of the ASD diagnosis? Unfortunately, when that disability comes into play not many adults know how to handle it so they retreat become overwhelmed and hide. Is it something else where miscommunication has now turned into what it looks like now?
I don’t see any harm in it. I personally just would not.
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I fully understand 100%. Our son is 8 & on the spectrum & my SO’s family always talk down about us or our boy. He’s non verbal & they mostly speak Spanish, so amongst themselves they’ll talk about him like he’s deaf 
I don’t understand a whole lot but my SO always speaks up about it which causes us to not be around his families gatherings much because we’re the ones that always look crazy in the end… if they buy gifts for him, it’s mostly for show so that the next time we come around they purposely bring up what they got him for a holiday or birthday, but never ask how he is, give a call or text to ask if they can have him for a visit(grandparents), everything is just for show because they “feel bad for the autistic kid”. They live literally 5mins away from us. But that’s the way it is for us so far since they found out he was “different”. All in all, we’ll take what we get, but don’t do nothing more. We’re not going to beg for them to come around if we know they can’t love him like we do
Accept what they have to give. It will be their loss for not knowing her better.
Your choice. Do what you want. Children don’t play with half the toys anyhow.
It’s your child, if you don’t want them to then don’t, but you can always just not them it’s from your SOs parents
Let them. It wouldn’t be fair to your children or them to deny any gifts they choose give. Because its not about YOU. It’s about the kiddos.
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Let them buy the gifts and invite them to Christmas dinner.
Yes. It’s not hurting anyone.
What’s your concern ? Are you worried that they’ll hold it over your head or that your Daughter will then want to see them more ? I guess I just don’t completely understand the issue but trust your gut .
Do not be the one to stand in the way of a relationship between your child and their grandparents. Unless your child is or could be in some kind of harms way.
It is your job as the parents to help build a healthy relationship between her and them. Not to hinder it. Your personal feelings can be justified but she has the right to form her own opinions when the time is right.
You speak kind words about them around her. You build them up to her. Because that is what your child needs. Bottom line is how your baby sees them.
My children have 3 sets of Grandparents and gotta say I build them all up! They do have favorites based on who they see most of course but no matter what each visit no matter how long it has been both my kiddos are over the moon. No amount of feeling I have negative or otherwise would EVER take away from seeing my children get grandparents!
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Why aren’t they around? Is it because theybare unsure about the autism? It can be hard. Sounds like you guys need to have a heart to heart. Let them get her something but let them know it hurts they dont want to see her anymore. That would have killed me if that’s what happened with my daughter. My dad and indidnt get along for awhile so she knew my stepdad as grandpa and sadly he passed away last year.
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Same situation with my daughter but at the end it’s not about what I want it’s about my daughter if they want to get your child something let them at the end of the day it’s their loss for not getting to know them and being in their life’s a present won’t hurt
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My SO’s biological mom is not in our lives at all. She has dropped off a gift on our doorstep once. We let our daughter have it. She didn’t know who it was from though. His dad and step-mom gives many gifts…however only spend minimal time with her.
You can’t “allow” anyone to do anything.
Life is WAY too short to try to micro manage others.
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Ask them instead of presents upud like to maybe have them do something with her instead to build memories
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Clothes or money for their future
If these people have never been in their lives before or were at one time but arent remembered or known then there might be a good reason… me id keep my distance dont let them into the babies life if they havent made an effort before why would they continue to afterwards? Dont let anyone pick and choose when they want to be involved… if your baby isnt hasnt keep it that way because one day they might not come around and its going to hurt your baby… and break your heart to see them hurting do whats best for your baby
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Tell the kids the presents are from Santa!
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ypur not wrong…i would simply tell them how u feel
maybe then they will put an effort
Take them presents and run. something is better than nothing.
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Say the only thing they want or need is your time. Let me know if you need help arranging the gift
Just let them get the gift and who cares . She’s not going to remember right now anyways , and maybe there’s a reason they aren’t around . If you haven’t spoken to them before this about it maybe it’s the time to do so
Can anyone ask for advice with out the pandemic being brought up 
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I would let em. My kids grandfather has no relationship with them outside of an occasional hi if we see him out and about. Him and I dont have very good relationship haven’t since I was little. He gets them gifts for their birthdays, easter, and christmas. They know who he is, what he is to them and myself. Him getting them things doesnt hurt anyone and it’s the only relationship he can offer. Cut em some slack.
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You graciously accept a gift for your child. It falls on your SO to breech the conversation with his parents. The pandemic has been in full swing since late Feb early March thats 9 months you cant even count. Then distance from them to you. Health issues, time work ect…how much effort have YOU put into having the child in their lives? It is a two way street. Since they called to ask what the child would like they clearly wish to express some love.
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I’m about to get ver very real with you.
It sounds like theres more to the story to be honest.
They never ask to see her…but do you ever offer to take her or have them over? Was there a rift between adults that caused them to back off?
As far as your child having autism, that could be partially the reason but also maybe not in the way you think.
Perhaps they feel as though they dont know how to care for a child with autism. Not care about but actually take care of.
Perhaps they’ve read those damned articles that tell grandparents to back off and they feel like they’re helping by keeping their distance.
Perhaps they believe that by visiting it will break structure and routine and therefore cause more issues for you and her.
If you have never sat down and had an honest conversation with them about what changed then you’re making a lot of assumptions without any facts.
Is it possible with her diagnosis you withdrew yourselves and by extension your child? Without even meaning to?
I’ve seen it…hell I’ve done it. My home bubble was safe. Visitors and visiting didn’t feel safe and I started avoiding it and didn’t realise that’s what I’d done until someone pointed it out to me.
Accept them. They’re for your daughter not you. Sending gifts back would be rude. My SOs family hadn’t sent my kids presents in years. and if they did we would gladly accept them. I mean cmon. It’s pretty innocent
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I would ask for zoo pass or something like that tbh… Maybe u can encourage it in a positive way like. Well i know she like going to the movies (or whatever she would like) maybe u guys could take her to see the new disney movie
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I would invite them over to spend time with their granddaughter. Maybe they feel uncomfortable or unwanted. Ii understand the way you’re thinking though. Buying her gifts could just be their way of releasing their guilt. You need to handle this how you feel is right. Nobody knows exactly what’s going on. I bet you feel as if they rejected her because of her differences.
I would accept the gifts. Something is better than nothing I learned that a long time ago.
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Money or gift card??
Maybe tell them an experience. Like getting their nails done or something that says quality time.
My SOs mom only shops for his kids. So im probably gonna send his kids stuff to their moms to open it there. I try to be fair as my kids are treated equally by my parents as well. Its nice to see them making an effort and I dont feel its right to interfere with that.
Tell them if they aren’t bothered about being an active part of her life to stuff it. They can’t just pick and choose when it suits them. We have similar issues with my SO parents, his dad has young children also which is understandable how he’s busy but his mother just can’t be bothered. So I fully get it. She messaged asking when the kids birthdays are, their a week apart hers is right in between so makes them easy to remember, not even a bday card. Tell them not to bother.
Ugh… this is a need to control. You CANNOT force anyone to be around. Let them buy a gift and chill out. Not sure why you needed to make a point out of saying that she has ASD…