My husband is aromantic and has some degree of asexual. We’ve been together seven years, so those terms didn’t exist as far as I know when we got together, and he just told me he had a low libido. I didn’t fully understand when we got together how much that would affect things, and every single year; it’s ended up in a discussion about my needs not being met. The stressful part is that he’s perfectly fine as a husband in every other aspect of our relationship. He’s a great communicator, provider, father, he’s not controlling or jealous, and we don’t really fight about much of anything. But we also don’t flirt. He hates cuddling. We’ve never made out. We don’t really go on dates, and when we do, it’s for an anniversary, and I have to plan it. We have little to no sex life, and When we do, it feels almost transactional. Our conversations are usually about work and our responsibilities. Our yearly discussions about the fact that my needs aren’t being met have been almost entirely fruitless. The only change is he started cuddling me more. It generally doesn’t last long, and he usually complains about it, so it’s very obvious he only does it to please me. The phrase “the pros outweigh the cons” has become the main descriptive phrase for our marriage. I’m not even close to aromantic or asexual, if that’s not clear. I’m the polar opposite by far, and he knows that. Part of me wants to leave so I can feel a connection or spark with someone again, but I also think maybe I’m just asking for too much by wanting romantic reciprocation in my marriage, and I should just shut up and get over it cuz “sex shouldn’t be that important.” I’m stuck. What would you do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Would you stay with someone if your needs are not being met?
Are you happy? Can you be happy in this arrangement for the rest of your life? If not, then leave. It’s okay to have different wants and needs. But if it’s to the point that you are not happy, you need to put your happiness first.
Everybody’s needs are different. . If he is that way, and you’ve tried for years to get what you need then honestly I would say it’s time to go. If it’s not worth it for you. His needs are being met with you? Whatever those needs are - a partner, a friend, or a coworker from what I can tell. But ur missing something vital in your needs? Then he doesn’t suit you … I would say I’m like you, I need love and affection, little shows that He cares here an there. So that being said. I would leave.
Maybe instead of just thinking of your needs, it might be time to see if theres anything doctors can do to help him. With you going with him for starters. And if you do decide its time to move on and find yourself with someone opposite, of what your husband is. But isn’t a good husband nor provider, etc don’t expect for him to take you back while you explored your options… Working on the marriage and other issues you didn’t think of at first should be your priority as a married couple.
Low libido and lacking intimacy are completely different things. You where told low libido at the start and to me low libido can be helped. Now IMO Going without sex can be done for different reasons but having a successful marriage without intimacy is something I don’t see working out in the long run. He’s got to meet you in the middle. And if he can’t or doesn’t want to, it may be time to call it quits. I would see a marriage counselor and then after like six months and nothing changes. Walk away. You deserve to be happy and felt loved and wanted! Life is to short to live without your needs being met.
Counseling for sure! This sounds like a lot of “me me me”
Well have you ever thpught maybe he’s into man??? … check his phone history maybe that will tell you something
That is why they make sex toys, he is a good man. You said so yourself. That is hard to find these days. Feel lucky you found a good one. Sex is just sex. It doesn’t emotionally support you. Or make you laugh. Therapy may do you some good
Get that man some viagra! Or perhaps his testosterone is low??
Have you tried counciling?
buy a toy he can use
He may have low testosterone level
Sounds so boring just leave .
if you wouldn’t ask him to have sex 365 times a year to satisfy you don’t ask yourself to go the rest of your life without making out and passionate sex. Be true to yourself
Some people have no desire for physical intimacy. He NEVER did. So you can’t exactly expect it of him now. Face it, you thought you could change him but now you realize you can’t. If the roles were reversed these women wouldn’t be saying a word.
Its difficult but if you both cant meet in the middle then ur left unhappy
Would polyamory be an option for you? Ethical non-monogamy is a valid relationship but it definitely takes work and isn’t for everyone. Asexual and aromatic are also valid and you can’t change him.
Ask him if he minds you having someone on the side…ya never know.
For your sexual needs start pleasuring yourself. It may not be optimal but work on making sure you can take care of yourself. For cuddles try small things like just sitting next to him. Like your leg up against his. Or yalls shoulders. Try to find little things fill that space you’re needing filled.
Sex is an important part of a marriage. Just as important as honesty, trust, or anything else. I would wonder why he has no libido. Maybe it can be fixed. Could be a side effect of a medicine. That happened to me actually. Try to fix the problem first.
If he doesn’t want a romantic relationship and you do then that is two very different paths. At this point you two aren’t really fit for each other bc eventually and if not already you are going to resent him. He’s going to resent you for pushing for more that he just can’t do. It’s prob best to split and be great coparents. It’s possible he wasn’t as sure as to his “sexuality” as he is now. Being perfectly fine in every other way is fine unless he’s willing to open the relationship so you can also have your needs and wants met. Honestly you guys need in depth weekly counseling to help you navigate this. If he’s unwilling to go then get your therapist and start preparing to get out.
It kind of sound like he told you about it when you got together and you didn’t research what it really meant and how it would effect you later and not it’s later and you want more than he can give ya.
It sounds like he’s been a very good communicator and you’ve just not been listening. I think he is committed to you and his family. But he doesn’t desire a sex life either with you or no one
He may be homosexual but has chosen not to live that way and be celibate basically. But because he loves you and wants to remain with you he does try and participate sexually when he can. Maybe I’m wrong and he’s having an affair or he has a medical issue? But since he told you his issues early on I’m doubtful those things are the issue.
Was he like this when you married him? That would be my first question. How did you end up in a marriage with someone you never made out with? He may need to go to the doctor to get things figured out…hormone levels can effect a lot of things in men and women, especially sex drive.
So everyone has a different love language. Mine is very physical, but not sexual. I have little to no sex drive. Come to find out some of it was my hormones but alot of it is just that, me. It caused a TON of issues in the beginning of my marriage because my husband is a VERY sexual person. We’ve learnt to compromise and I try to make it where hes satisfied (I enjoy sex to I just don’t want to have sex daily) and he has learnt to space it out so I feel appreciated for more than sex. It takes alot of communication compromise and love but you can do this. However. What others have said is true to. If your not happy no amount of compromise is gonna work because your simply unhappy so that is the first decision you need to make. Do you WANT to try to fix it.
I think he needs to see a doctor he is probably having a testosterone issue. But to consider leaving a good man bc of sex is very unacceptable. Does he know u feel like that? He actually should leave you. You are selfish and self centered.
I mean, instead of just straying before trying to fix the problem in your marriage would probably not be the best way to go about it. Start with marriage counseling. His low libido could stem from testosterone problems and maybe seeing a doctor to get those checked may help. If that doesn’t start to help the problem then sit down and have a brutally honest conversation about the possibility of introducing sex toys into your marriage. A lot of people will argue that sex isn’t all that important, when in fact it is very important to maintaining a healthy relationship. Dress how you feel; if you are feeling sexy, dress sexy-add more sultriness’ to your everyday tasks; if you are still feeling the same way, ask his opinions on possibly having an open marriage? Don’t just cheat on your spouse, nothing ever good comes of cheating.
It’s the opposite for me, I am like him, I am not asexual but I don’t have a high s*x drive. My husband does. We have found ways to work around it and we both love each other. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I struggle with feeling guilty that I am not meeting his needs but we talk about it and we make compromises. Honestly, maybe you need counseling or at least sit down and talk to him.
Maybe see someone else with his approval for sex a few times a week.
Talk to him about if he would be willing to see a doctor. There could be something wrong with his hormone levels causing lack of sex drive. I feel like if you keep talking about how YOUR needs aren’t being met, it will ultimately push him farther and farther away and while looking for that spark sounds great at the time, later on you could really regret it. You yourself said that other than the romance and lovemaking he is wonderful in every other aspect. He did make you aware of his issues beforehand. Just instead of making it about you, try talking to him about options. He probably already feels down about knowing he isn’t satisfying someone he is committed to.
I’m more like your hubby so I’m gonna sound like I’m agreeing with him… but I’m definitely not!! Y’all both need someone who makes you feel whole and if your not getting anything and you need it you should get it… but he’s different and you need to respect that! I think sex is not that important, not important enough to have sex and leave all the other good qualities behind… in my experience sex is everywhere, good men/women are not!!!
Or how does he feel about you getting your needs met from somebody else if he doesn’t want to do it
I mean if he doesn’t want anything romantic with you and you’re unhappy then leave, but if everything but your sex life is great then you can talk about an open relationship, but that never goes well in the long run, so you can do toys that “will meet your needs” like that is really the only options, leave, ask for an open marriage, or get toys, or really you can just get yourself off…
He told you, this shouldn’t be a surprise to tou
Sex is very much so important. Talk to him about having your needs met by someone else. Maybe he’d like to watch? That’d be hot
I’d be gone. You have a roommate not a husband. Don’t settle for a sexless marriage. If roles were reversed I’d be telling your husband the same thing.
This world sucks and is full of shit people. If you found someone who has one thing that isn’t perfect but the rest of it is happy then don’t throw it away. You don’t find anyone without something and it’s so rare to find someone that there is only ONE BIG ISSUE WITH. Find a way, anyway at all around it. But if you leave life will most likely very quickly teach you that the grass isn’t always greener. Especially if he really loves you!!! Better than a dude who can’t get enough…from every chick he meets! Just saying! Play this smart or you may regret it for the rest of your life! If my man had that issue I’d get a few toys and let it be. Sex is so freaking over rated anyways
I’m not judging by any means, but considering the fact that you asked about this on social media rather than talking to your partner, kind of indicates a communication issue. sex is a justifiable need, it gives a sense of closeness and strengthens any bond. Cuddling makes you feel safe. My advice is to be completely honest with yourself and figure out exactly what it is you need from him and then talk to him about compromise if he cannot meet you somewhere between what you need and what he needs, maybe then consider the options.
No. I’m 40 and I am no where near ready to give up sex. Bring good roommates with someone is not a good marriage. I don’t want an asexual husband and a side piece, I want a husband who wants me as much as I want him. I want to feel loved and desires. I want passion and friendship, only one will not do. I wouldn’t waste my only life being miserable.
I don’t even know what those words mean.
So what I’m reading is “ my husbands perfect but I need sex” … They make toys.
Idek what all those terms mean…but to sum it up sounds like he’s just not that sexual of a dude. Maybe he has ED or meds mess with him? Just don’t lose a good thing. Hindsight is 20/20 and once you’ve left the marriage it’ll never be the same.
I swear you just described a past relationship of mine. But I left in search of the “romantic reciprocation” and have no regrets.
You do what you need to do for you. Sex isn’t everything BUT I’d rather be screaming in pleasure than screaming in dissatisfaction which is how I felt after every convo about “you’re not meeting my needs.”
I would suggest discussing with him the aspects of consensual non-monogamy or polyamory. You deserve to have your needs met and you’re not going to change him.
no, i wouldn’t. if it affects you and how you feel and it isn’t meeting your relationship needs, you shouldn’t be together. that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, but if you stay you risk allowing yourself to be unhappy, him to be unhappy, or (the most likely scenario) both of you to be unhappy. if you want to stay together, maybe you should look at ethical non-monogamy. otherwise, this relationship will do nothing but cause pain for one, or both, of you
Have him talk to his doctor.
I’m no help her because I don’t know what I would do on this situation. I just wanted to say good luck on whatever decision you make.
Girl I would be demanding the “D” DIVORCE.
You should not have to go without sexual intimacy because your married to someone that hates it. He should have no problems you going elsewhere for that since he wont do it. If he does then stop wasting your life. He wouldnt if the roles were reversed believe that.
I know it sounds weird but have u had an open or poly relationship. Maybe a thrupple. Dont kill the relationship just add someone that is mutually agreed apon that can fullfil ur needs as well as anything he would need i feel like its worth a try.
Sure he isn’t somewhere on the autism spectrum?
It sounds lack a of intimacy which isn’t all about sex. Cuddling and making out isn’t sex and he doesn’t do that either. I would feel so unloved and lonely. He’s basically just your friend then, right? Sounds like my relationship with my ex who has erectile dysfunction but he cuddled and hugged and kissed so… but we fought all the time so we broke up after 22 years together. I would leave. The spark and the connection with my current boyfriend is so amazing!! We never fight and we are very intimate. And whoa the sex is amazing!! We are getting married this year, we’ve been together 7 1/2 months now. I’m so happy. If your not happy leave. Find someone else before you waste your life with someone who can’t love you!!
Sex shouldn’t be the main focus of any relationship/marriage, but it is still an important aspect. What I’m confused by is this: was he originally romantic and sexual and it died out or was he never romantic and sexual? If he told you he had a low libido, maybe he didn’t know he was aromantic/asexual. But why would you have the same conversation over and over again, for years, and then after 7 years decide that it may be time to go? After 7 years, in an otherwise happy and healthy marriage, if I were you, I would explore options. I wouldn’t go as far as to ask for an open relationship, because if he is a good man, a good husband and a good father, that’s rare to find and your husband cannot help who he is/how he feels.
Both of you together see a marriage counselor
I am the man in this situation, I have absolutely no sex drive. It’s frustrating for us too. We want to meet our partners needs but pushing your body to do something it doesn’t want to do feels violating. It causes a repulsion. I doubt he just isn’t trying, or doesn’t care. I’m sure he loves you, I absolutely adore my fiancé. I’ve tried meds, they don’t help. Being on the flip side of this issue is terrible too. I’ve felt “broken” for a long time, as I’m sure your husband has. It’s up to you if you’re willing to stand by him and try and make it work, but I don’t know if it’s “fixable”. I’ve been like this my whole life, it hurts and it’s hard.
Get some toys I have a high drive my husband not so much but I got toys even if we don’t have sex he is willing to use toys on me he just enjoys watching there’s multiple options but you need to talk to him personally maybe an open relationship maybe get some toys experiments or just do it yourself
Are you better off with him? Or without him? Decide if you want more sex to initiate it more. Or find another person to have sex with and stay with him.
Get yourself a giant dildo and “go to town” ! And be thankful for your “good in every other way” husband.
^^some info for those who may be confused. He doesn’t need therapy or a doctor. He doesn’t need “fixed”. It’s WHO he is. It’s part of him. Sounds like the wife is struggling to accept it, even after so long…
Is he open to you having an open marriage? Or does that go against your own values?
Has he had his testosterone level checked? Sounds like it could be low.
What would you do, expect, and feel if the role reversed? If you weren’t interested and he kept pushing you? And he kept telling you things like “pros don’t out weight the cons” of being with you?
I really think that is the first step, to put yourself in his shoes and try to empathize with how he’s feeling.
Next step is to find a compromise that you’re both comfortable with
I can’t tell you what that would be.
First, How did you not make out before you got married?
Second, have a doctor check his testosterone levels.
I am the same as your husband and I have no greater advice than it might just be the case of him having something off and IT ISNT YOU! I know I don’t tell me husband enough but for me I get touched out easily and I work at daycare so when I get home I want to be left alone and he wants to cuddle so I have to force myself to cuddle and someday I don’t have it in me.
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he gay?
Honestly if you aren’t happy now this will certainly lead to resentment down the road. This is a tough spot to be in for sure. If I had to choose I would probably choose myself and being happy and finding someone who actually fulfills your needs because they want to not because they have too. Have you guys talked about an open marriage? Might be something to bring up…
I could care less about sex. It’s not important. I have no interest in it. Try finding a partner when that comes up.
If sex is all the relationship is based on. Neither of you need to be in.
Been there, done it all,now divorced after twenty years… gave it my best shot… still didn’t make a difference… good luck
“Sex shouldn’t be that important”… okay fine sure whatever but INTIMACY is extremely important and that doesn’t only come in the form of sex. Communication is one of the biggest forms of intimacy and literally the foundation of a good relationship. Without intimacy and Communication in your relationship you’re essentially just roommates.
Now this next tid bit is definitely not for everyone and please don’t take offense. Just take what you want out of what I say and leave the rest. I would sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart and maybe consider the option of a 3rd party in the relationship. Again definitely not for everyone and would take some serious conversation and maybe a mediator but I don’t know you or him so it’s just a thought and an option.
But maybe consider some couples therapy before going and shopping around for a 3rd party. And when all options are exhausted and there’s really nothing else to do maybe it’s time to consider a split.
Been there done that, its a miserable existence. I don’t understand why people that don’t want sex and affection ever enter into relationships. It’s just wrong to make your partner feel like they are not wanted or desired. I divorced my ex husband because of that and his anger. I always felt he was withholding affection deliberately. It really hurt. Being single again was great!!
Open conversation. Ask if he’s willing to try to make you happy as well as himself & go from there. If not then ask if he’s willing to explore medical issues that could be causing the lack of sexuality. This is an issue that needs to be addressed for the both of you. If a mutual decision can’t be made then it’s time for you to decide what you want. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty if your needs aren’t being met. Fact is that sex does play a big role in most relationships. It’s not petty, it’s not vain. It’s human. You guys need a compromise if at all possible, So try to get him to talk to you, go from there. A lot of people are going to say it’s who he is & say deal with it but the same goes for you. Your also the way your are & it’s not fair to either of you for one to live unhappily.
That isnt a relationship. You aren’t happy. You’re barely existing.
Get out. Be happy.
Take him to a Dr the specialist who deals with this all the time he may br afraid to admit that he has a problem and maybe he wants it as much as you
.support him and then if he refuses gto get help tell him it’s time to part company let’s see how much he cares about your feelings…
U can’t get over it, whats his thoughts on allowing u to b with another
Sex is VERY important to me. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t take care of needs like that
Get a good sex therapist
Open marriage. Discuss it. Or leave. Its who he is. You either accept it or change it for yourself. He won’t change, I don’t think he can.
For better or worse - in sickness and in health- these are words young people don’t take to heart. There are other ways your needs can be met - not going outside your marriage. I suggest take a look see at internet to find out about things that can help.
I’d be like can you sleep on the couch tonight so I can please myself? In all honesty I’d prob just masturbate more
Maybe he has low testosterone. He may need to get that checked. There are medications to help that. Having a healthy sex life is very important in a marriage. That’s how you connect and get closer to each other.
Sex IS important for some people, lots of people. But you’re not just lacking in sex, you’re lacking intimacy as a whole, and when you crave that and don’t get it EVER, it becomes a big issue. You need to be touched, you need to be chased after, you need someone to lay with you in bed and be intimate, and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay that your husband doesn’t need any of those things but simply telling him over and over that you’re not satisfied isn’t going to help. Action needs to be taken. Maybe you can have an open marriage (with as many rules, or as little as you both are comfortable with), or maybe he can offer you intimacy in a way that he’s comfortable with. Both of you can do some research and see what you come up with. But the effort has to be made by both of you, if he’s not even going to try and find a way to satisfy you then that will tell you all you need to know, I think.
I use to think the same with my ex- I ended up leaving for good and I met my current partner and it’s the polar opposite, we have a great connection, physical, emotional, communication, mental, sexually and his is better in every way I could have asked for.
How ever from previous experience (prior to meeting my partner) and having that on off relationship with my ex I learnt the grass wasn’t always greener and a lot of the time it was actually worse to a degree and I had to cope with a lot of stupidity and horrible people before the “ young fling from the pub” became my forever. The saying it happens when you least expect it I believe to be true xx good luck
I was in a relationship like that for 10 years… I left eventually got it in eventually got in a new relationship and I’ve never been happier. I have all of those things plus regular intimate time with my husband that is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.
You deserve to be happy.
I have been watching a Psychologist talking about Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. I’m not saying that your husband was sexually, physically, or emotionally abused…But I can tell you that the way he seems to be with touch can be a sign of Childhood trauma. Does that help you right now? No. My suggestion is to sit him down and tell him that you cannot live this way. Ask him if he is willing to go to a Physician to have a physical to make sure his hormones are all in range. Ask him if he will willing to go to a counselor to try to figure out why he is the way he is. And also seek Marital counseling together. I have no clue the age of your children, but…It is an ugly world out there for single parents with kids. The world is full of predators that will actually date a single mom to get access to her kids. I married one of these men and had no idea. Our family will never be the same. We will forever be recovering and dealing with the sexual abuse he perpetrated against my 5 year old daughter and the physical abuse he perpetrated towards my other children. So what ever your decision…please be careful.
It’s not just about sex, it’s about intimacy and trust and love. If you aren’t happy, you aren’t happy. Talking yourself into staying with someone who can’t fulfill all of your needs just because he’s a good person isn’t healthy. I would suggest seeing a therapist together, though, before making any big decisions.
I would recommend couples therapy or check if there’s a specialist doctor to check if it’s a physical problem.
At the end of the day, you can either choose to stay and fight for your marriage or move on. Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out and people move apart, and you end up frustrated and ready to move on.
You need to think if you want to fix the relationship and fight if there’s still romantic feelings involved and that spark that moves you.
I would leave or find someone else if you have already talked to him about this…
I wouldn’t stay if my needs weren’t being met. And I’m a single mom and not that interested in sex
Definitely try couple counseling. Have him go to MD to have his testerone checked. Having a good man is hard to find these days. You don’t have to have a spark. Go on vacation without kids. Even if it’s only a day or so. Live life. Try making bucket list plans. Always hang on to the good ones. sex is sex. Buy a toy. Re-evaluate you. Are you fit and exercise? Do you wear make up around him? Smell good? That could wake him up.
Above everything, stay loyal!
You can’t fix someone who just generally doesn’t feel like having sex. Y’all need to work together to figure something out that makes y’all both happy and in the end if that doesn’t work out you may just need to separate.
My marriage is more than our sex life, but sex is an important part of marriage. I would never leave my marriage due to lack of sex because my husband means so much more to me than that and we’ve built a great life together. Try some sex toys, or new positions and see if you can enjoy that
You knew what you were getting into, why did you marry him? You can’t force him to be someone he’s not just to make you happy . Staying married and trying to change him year after year your whole relationship makes no sense . Whether the terminology was there in the beginning or not you shouldn’t have planned on him doing what he doesn’t want with his body , just like he shouldn’t try to coerce you into physical acts you are uncomfortable with .
So you married him knowing full well who he is and how he feels and now that you’ve tried to change him but can’t - you want to leave?
If the shoe was on the other foot, everyone here would be telling you to leave because he isn’t respecting you or your choices.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Let him find someone that will love him unconditionally, for better or worse, because he deserves better.
Sex is important. Give him two options and a deadline to meet them. 1. Go to the doctor and find out what’s wrong. 2. File for and get a divorce.
First of all you say this is a “yearly” discussion between you. If you only tell him about your dissatisfaction once a year and deal with it the rest of the time maybe he does not realize the degree of your concerns or the importance of them. You say he’s a “great communicator” so why aren’t you communicating with him about this issue. Maybe he’s not excited about you anymore, maybe he has some medical issues he’s not sharing…there are lots of reasons why this could be happening. Just remember, the grass is not always greener on the other side and for you to give up a otherwise good man for something fixable because you’re bored might not be the smartest thing to do.
Maybe she really sucks in bed and he tries to avoid it .
Good men are really hard to find.
Every single one of them are suffering from an issue.
I remember what my Mother used to say to me.
“There is 10 more out there that are just like him.”
I wouldn’t let this one go.
My Mom is now going through early onset Alzheimer’s ALONE.
My Sister took her in & has complete control of her finances.
My Mom is going without treats for her little doggie.
idk maybe have him go to doctor and have his get his level checked!!! however I am a firm believer if you knew when you married him - you work through it!!! I don’t know how I’d feel if I was in your shoes but my husband is who he is and I find it extremely wrong when people get marry to someone and then try to change them!!
My husband was the same way. He started taking a shot for it once a week & that has helped a lot. I used to get frustrated & tell him to put out or get out. He would laugh & put out