Would you take one of your kids on vacation knowing they been going behind your back doing stuff they aren’t supposed to? It’s in 20days! She’s 14&thinks she’s grown. She just got suspended from school a couple of wks ago… It was bad! Not going into the subject, but We got her a year ago when. She got taken from her mom. Nothing is working. She constantly is taken shit and acts like it’s no big deal, grounded her. I’m at a loss. Done took her stuff away as far as electronics.
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Maybe therapy might help her
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Nope. I cancelled xmas for my son because he wasent taking school seriously!
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The vacation could be punishment for her lol. Having to be in close quarters with everyone.
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Obviously don’t know the circumstances around you getting custody of her a year ago but being taken from your mom at 14 will be and is traumatic!! She’s goig through a lot and acting out to get help. Grounding her,taking her things and not allowing her on vacation will only make things worse. She should have been put in therapy a long time ago. Make sure you guys have a secure bond before disciplining her, especially right now.
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Beat her fucking ass
Don’t change plans BUT. Giver her a warning about her behaviour and “MAKE IT CLEAR” that if she misbehaves leading up
To the trip the consequence is that she’s gonna be staying at home with a sitter! (find someone and keep them on stand by) I did this to my kids(like 10 years ago when they were younger) going to Niagara was a Big Trip. They were being Brats the few weeks leading up to March break. I had no issues with dropping the older 2 at their dads and the youngest 2 with my mother for the week we were going to be out of town. They wised up pretty quick when I implemented a “count down clock” with 4 hands with their names on it there was a red zone- no way you coming now Yellow-Ok so you probably are gonna behave but show me you can. and Green- 
looks like you changed you attitude and are willing to behave for the trip.
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Um, cancel her vacation… and go without her! Send her to grandma’s or wherever while you are gone.
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I would definitely put her in therapy if she was taken from her mom. My step sons mom lost custody of him, he has been with us 6 days a week for 5 years. He has been in therapy and it helps so much. Especially she being ripped from her mom at such a hard age, the age you need your mom the most as a young woman. Therapy will do amazing things
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It sounds like since being taken away from her biological mother she’s been acting out, probably because she can’t properly cope with what she’s feeling. I would suggest therapy for her in order to get to the route of her outbursts and anger. I know at that age I was a handful to say the least because of the stuff I was dealing with in my family circle at the time. That being said, if you guys go on vacation and decide to leave her behind she will most likely feel left out and unwanted and may regress more.
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No. Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing.
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Shes probably stressed to the max if she’s a foster kid. She probably hasn’t relaxed in years. She needs someone she can talk to, without judgment. Sounds like she is stuck in the flight or fight mode. The last thing she needs is punishment that severe.
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Pretty sure there’s no better punishment for a 14 year old than spending time with their family without their phone
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Oh look… another evil stepmom who wants to play mom and dictate how to raise someone else’s child… for fcks sake this teen has been through enough! She is literally crying out for help and all you seem to do is hand out punishments. How about counseling/therapy to help her sort out her feelings? Or you know, push her away even more since it’s obvious you don’t like her.
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I’ve been working at a school for a few years now, and have 4 kids of my own, I’ve learned the kids that are the hardest to love, need it the most. she may feel like she has nothing emotionally left to lose, and just needs that extra love. maybe do a planned date with her. hair and lunch. or even her picking a movie to watch with you. she could use something to look forward to. hope this helps
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Leave her ass behind. PERIODT!
Life sounds like it hasnt been easy for her, give her something to enjoy. Let her go, she will remember and be thankful someday.
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I mean you dont take your step kid on vacation none of your *my kids would/should be going… leaving children out of family events is not only punishment but its abusive.
Get her and the family some counseling. There are free and sliding fee places all doing online or over the phone places
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She has already been ripped away from her mom and your solution is to isolate her from her dad and siblings?
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Absolutely not! Do not take her. That is a privilege to go and if that’s how she wants to act than she doesnt need to go
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If she was taken from her mom at age 13, she has likely experienced things that no child should have to. What she needs is loving support, secure attachment and trauma-informed care by someone who understands the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE). Punishing her for acting out because she has already been through hell in her young life will only add insult to injury.
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Are you asking if you should make her miss vacation or cancel it for everyone?
She needs therapy not vacation. She’s a 14 child, not an option.
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Every 14 year old thinks they’re grown. Good lord, you say “but we got her a year ago when she got taken from her mom”
Is she a fucking shelter dog you “got” a year ago??! She’s a human being, a child, who obviously went through a lot and wasn’t cared for or her mom wouldn’t have lost custody. And you say we got her a year ago… No wonder she’s acting out. She needs some compassion, love, security, THERAPY.
Her mom basically already left her behind. If you leave her behind too that will just do more damage. What’s her dad have to say about it??
You probably need therapy too to help deal with taking in a 14 year old step child and the attitude you clearly have about it.
You better take that poor baby on vacation…y’all planned a vacation. She didn’t plan to be ripped from her mother only to be abandoned
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Honestly sometimes when kids act out they need some extra love and attention. I would take her. She is probably going through alot emotionally.
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I’d take her. Maybe she needs a break and family time.
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She was just removed from her mother a year ago. Im sure the 12 years up to then were horrible for her. Cut the kid some slack and give her a break. Get some counseling for her and you too bc it sounds like you need some too since you don’t know how to care for an abused child.
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If she was taken from her mom then I would say take her on Vaca but don’t allow her to do anything alone. Therapy sounds like a good step in the right direction and maybe yall could go together at first and then let her go alone.
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This is a toughie. She may be acting out from the major changes that have happened in her life combined with growing into an adult. I’d take her on vacation, but no phone.
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If she was taken away from her mother at 14 she has probably seen and been through more than you realize. More than likely she had to grow up at a very young age and take care of herself or the mother too. Now having someone try to tell her what to do when she has more than likely cared for herself is stressful and something probably unknown to her. She probably doesn’t understand how to process her emotions, 14 is a crazy enough age without all the other factors she has gone through. I think talking with her as a young lady not a child and creating a bond with her is going to help you. Find something you can relate to with her and make sure she understands you TRULY care! She has probably not had that and it is new to her, and she more than likely doubts you genuinely care because of whatever she went through with the mother. This is coming from someone who was taken away from their mother several times, lived in the system for years & seen and went through more than any child ever should and “GETS IT”! I’ve now been married for 15 years with 4 beautiful (14, 12 & 9 year old twin daughters) and I broke the “cycle”. Don’t let her take advantage of you but definitely create a bond with her and listen to her. You need to gain her trust so she will open up to you and then you can begin helping her! Hope this helps! 
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Soooo, at 14 any teenager wants to be with her friends and have their phone. Leave her phone at home and y’all as a family go on vacation. It will start out as a punishment (maybe end that way as well) but also may be what’s best for all involved.
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Yes! Absolutely!!! Not only has that child already been through a lot, you will absolutely regret it in the future.
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That kid is going through more than you’ll ever know and she’s 1) doing typical teenager shit 2) acting out because of her past. So if you’re not going to cancel the trip for EVERYONE, then yes you still take her
Nope! Does not sound like she deserves she go on a vacation! Then you are rewarding bad behavior.
If you make excuses for her now, you will be doing so years from now.
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After all the therapy, love and tough love and juvie stints, my daughter proved to me she was going to do exactly what she wanted to do and there was nothing I could do about it. She is in her 40s, still running wild like a teenager… she will only stop when she wants to stop. Not happening.
my niece was like this by brother had custody mom gave up rights. my niece got in to trouble my brother took her phone away threatend like behavior school or something didnt work. he ended up kicking her out. but im not suggesting you do that.but things got taken away from her.she was caught stealing at the mall even got banned from it.but things got taken away not matter what was even vacations
I would take her, because not doing so is going to make the behavior worse. She is a young girl that was removed from her mother’s home. The only mother she’s ever known. That’s a lot for any child, but the older they are the more angry, depressed, confused, etc they are. She’s acting out, yes. But she’s also experienced a difficult life this far, now things have changed. Plus she is a teenage girl, with hormones just raging. Don’t exclude her, because I assure you from personal experience it will get worse. All you can do is love her, guide her to the best of your ability, try and understand what she’s been through and going through, and work on getting her into counseling.
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Is this a foster child? My foster parents didnt take me on vacations because “I ruined their vacation” needless to say it didnt incentivize me to get along with them. I was around the same age. I left at 18 and havent spoken to them pretty much since. Its definitely your prerogative but I dont see it being conducive to building a relationship between you all that feels safe for her. It could definitely trigger her abandonment issues and increase poor behavior.
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Take her. She needs to know that she is loved. This can all be addressed after vacation. To shun her now would do more harm than good. Imo.
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I think it depends on why she’s behaving as she is. I definitely spend time analyzing that myself with my high school with disabilities. What Are Functional Assessments and the Four Main Functions of Behavior? - North Shore Pediatric Therapy
She needs counseling, support, and love. If she was taken from her mother obviously she has issues she needs help with and that’s why she is acting out. I think excluding her from family vacation will further damage and alienate her.
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I would take her, yeah you shouldn’t reward bad behavior but in your case it sounds like there’s a reason she’s acting out. If she’s not already in therapy she needs to be like yesterday.
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When my mom died when I was 9, I got sent to live with family that I really had no connections nor bond with. I was not allowed to go anywhere nor do anything, I mean we did go on vacations and stuff but most of my teenage years were spent working or staying at home and cleaning. I dealt with a lot of trauma and stuff by myself, and any missteps were met with immediate punishment. I was told I acted the way I did because I thought I was better than them and I wanted attention, when in reality I had been through a lot and was honestly pretty depressed. I thoroughly believe that had the narrative changed from punishment to someone actually listening to me and trying to be there for me, a lot of things in my life would have turned out differently. I havent spoken to any of them in about 8 years. I know its frustrating, but try to handle it with a little patience. Therapy is a fantastic tool, as well as establishing that bond and support system as best you can. Just based on personal experience, its really easy to feel alone when you’re a kid in this situation. Try to keep that in mind. 
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How I handled it with my ex’s daughter when she pulled the same shit, is I took EVERYTHING out of her room except a bed. That included her MF bedroom door too! She was able to EARN her stuff back with good behavior at home and school.
Yes of course take her, it’s a family vacation. She is part of your family, in the good and bad. But while on vacay no phone, no being alone , no extra spending money. You want her to feel included
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Sounds like a child who needs extra love to me. She’s traumatized most likely and also testing limits with you. Show her what a great life you can provide, the love you have and the security and stability you’ll give her FIRST and then worry about discipline if she doesn’t show trust and comfortability and continues acting out. My god, she was taken from her mother. Have some mercy.
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She wants to take things without permission- treat her like a criminal.
Criminals don’t get rewarded with a nice family vacation. What they get is a empty room and nothing but the mattress- that means take out the desk, the bed, lamps, electronics, toys, the door, her cell phon, etc.
She’ll have to earn everything back.
What you need to do is make her understand that stealing is wrong and if she keeps up, she could end up in jail. I don’t know what other stuff she’s been doing but tell her she needs to stop or there will be consequences.
Needless to say, I would cancel the family trip.
She still has rules and when rules are broken there are consequences. Period. If taking things from her havent worked definitely have to take bigger things. One of my sons was a total shit, refused to get put of bed and w as just being lazy, low grades but wanted drivers license. Hellll no. If you arent mature enough to handle school and follow rules you are not driving. He was 18 when he got drivers license. I work with kids like her everyday. You have to set your boundaries. Do not step away from them. That being said. She needs therapy. ASAP. She feels lost and unwanted. She is acting out for attention. But doesnt realize that she can get in big trouble. Sit her down and talk to her.
So when are you going to figure out you can’t “discipline” the emotional problems out of her?
Get the girl some help. Real help. Not a school counselor once a week. She needs intense therapy just for her.
You’ve got 4 years to help her cope & get in the right track before she becomes an adult and the trouble sticks with her forever.
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If it were your child and she was behaving like that I would say no… But she sounds like she’s had a rough time. Take her with you and show her you are not the enemy and you love her. Get some good bonding time in and discuss her behavior with her. Also when you get back if she’s not already in therapy you should look into getting her in.
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If this was just a normal teenager acting out, I’d say no don’t take her. However, she was removed from her home and her mother. It’s only been a year. Really sit back and consider how you and your partner have shown her that she’s welcome. You might think you did everything right, but did you consider her feelings in the beginning? Did you tell her she was better off with you? Even if she is better off with you, she was taken from her mother and she could’ve been tightly bonded with her.
If you don’t have her in therapy, try to get her into therapy before the vacation. Call around. See if anyone has any openings ASAP. She NEEDS it.
You and your partner really need to sit down with her and have an open “heart to heart” with NO repercussions. None of you should walk away from the conversation mad or resentful. Just get everything out there without yelling. No gaslighting. No attacking. Just explaining each side of everything. Especially the 14 year olds side. She’s the one that needs it.
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She just got taken from her mother. Obviously she was in a bad situation. Take her with you and while on vacation explain to her that she could continue to live a fun and happy life with you guys enjoying vacations anf such as long as she starts to act right. I’d let her know that if she doesn’t start behaving then that is the only vacation she will have for a while. Make it super fun for her so she will see what she could miss out on. Really try to make her feel like a part of the family. Everything is probably really different for her. She has spent 14 years growing up a certain way, that is going to take a LOT of time and patience to change. And I agree with getting her help as far as counseling and therapists and such. She needs someone to talk to. Heck maybe try a group/family counselor as well so you can all learn how to work together to make everyone feel comfortable. Best of luck!
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She’s acting out because she got taken away from her mom.
Yessss, take her on vacation and show her love and compassion.
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Take the door off her room. Give her no personal space other than the bathroom.
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I would take her. If you don’t take her it would more than likely make her feel worse because she’s already been taken from her mom. No matter what her mom did the same sex parent is the most important role model in a kids life and she’s suffering from that. Put her in therapy, take her on vacation and show her that you’ll be there for her no matter what. She seems like she’s needs that right now
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I bet you she is in the mind set that if she keeps screwing up she will get kicked out in end back with her mom… as we both know that isn’t going to happen but her world she may think it is. I would take her let her know she is loved and in a home that cares for her no matter what she is doimg… and I betbyou in time she will prolly settle down and lose the fanasty she has in her mind. But you also need to lay boundaries at home also.and keep her in line kids learn that a home with boundaries is a good thing
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Also I don’t know if there is a thing there but maybe find a a 20 or so year old that has been what she has been through that she can hang with and talk to. Lile a big sister program kinda. Someone who knows what she is feeling and going through that can help guide her
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Yes away from home but I wouldn’t allow electronics on the trip make her interact with the family.
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Ooohhhh!!! Watch instant family !!! It’s a movie. And it’s about how hard it is to be with foster kids and teenagers. And the struggle.
Uhm yeah if my family is going on vacation then all the kids come with…she obviously has some serious issues and most kids would in her shoes but you shouldn’t leave her out of the family vacation. Thats f*cked up.
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Behavioral therapy have you tried it
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Let her know what is at stake and what you are considering. And that if she messes up, you will find some sort of program she’ll go into to deal with her behavior while the rest of the family is on vacation. Actions have consequences, no matter what your age. Sometimes some tough love is the only way to get through to a child behaving badly.
As a former foster parent, taking away things from a child who has literally lost their family and everything they ever knew is basically pointless. You need to work on the connection with her. Find some foster parent groups where you can hear from former foster kids about how things would have helped them.
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Umm yes, yes you do because they are your kids and no ones else’s and guess what if they don’t listen to you, they won’t listen to anyone else and wouldn’t you feel some type of embarrassment or shame on yourself to let someone else deal with your child? 
take this time to interact with your child and try to figure out what it is that’s going on. Family time will do this child good.
Do not treat her like the black sheep …I think she deep down needs a vacation too …maybe you can spend some quality time with her and see whats really up …we expect kids to be perfect …when us adults sure aren’t…when ppl are going through stuff they tend to act a certain way , she just needs alot of love , attention …and (family fun) …not sneakin around fun …but seriously tho talk to her on vacation…positively …not negatively
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She sounds really stressed and mentally not okay with being away from her mother. Things like that take tolls on children, don’t take a vacation away from her she has had enough taken from her.
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She has trauma, just because you put her in a new home doesn’t take away her survival she had to use during the time she was with her mom… hopefully you can get her services. Take her on the trip but maybe still consequences… good luck
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I’m on the fence on this. I can see the good and.bad in this
No vacation I’d set her up with someone to watch her and call someone who knows yall and put them on work detail i.e. help local farmers or shelter ppl stuff like that see if things change idk I’m for work or make u see how it could really be type person
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So if you don’t take her on vacation with yous that means your guna need a babysitter to look after her and by the sounds of it, she’s an arsehole good luck finding someone, I mean id look after her, but if she plays up with me she gets a crack LMAO
Take her on vacation. She’s a child. A troubled child but still a child!! Correct the behavior as well as you can but she’s in a tough spot being taken from her mother etc.
No your only adding fuel to the fire
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Shes acting out because of being taken from her mom, gotta be the most patient you can be. Make sure she feels loved even if you don’t want to at the moment. She will thank u one day for being good to her.
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She’s acting out and doing that will only make thing worse. Have you tried counseling? A more gentle approach? Lending an ear instead of punishments?
I know you’re at a loss right now and I’m not sure everyone gets the same foster training but remember one of the biggest things about fostering is it takes more than love. You have to treat her like your own no matter how temporary shes there. Foster children “act out” because they dont know how else to handle all of the emotions. Its traumatic for them. Yes, I think she needs real help and you can contact her workers about it so they can guide you but dont not let her go because of these things. I know you’re at wits end but shes probably angry and hurt too with all these extra emotions on top of being a teenager.
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Hey. As a child if broken home . She mad at the world and doesn’t understand her pain can be used as a good thing… I would have given anything to have one good person actually listen . And stop telling me how I should of felt at that time. It’s not easy. And it’s not going to be but one day she will be adult and remember who was there. No one perfect and if she has past trauma and still young has no control or say really in her own life. Maybe get her into art, or taekwondo for outlet. Or writing.
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Leaving her OUT would only make it worse. Take her on this trip, show her love, and kindness. She just got ripped away from her home and put into yours. Show some love, it will go a long way
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Either take a vacay with her, or cancel the vacay and focus on whatever’s going on with her.
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Kids and teenagers are human. They have bad days and hard times and big emotions. We can’t always control our actions and emotions 100% of the time. I don’t think things like vacations, birthdays, holidays ect should ever be revoked. We expect way to much out of our kids. We expect them to be robots that do what their told and have no bad behaviors or bad days. Let her go. Its not going to help anything.
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Take her sounds like she had been through a lot and it’s acting out… She could probably use the vacation as much as you
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Maybe take her on the vacation so y’all can spend quality time together. Be gentle with her ( this age is so very hard ) and hopefully she will open up to you and y’all could have some family fun time !
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When I was in 6th grade we were going to Disneyworld except my dad who couldn’t get the time off work and the deal was to at least get C’s on our report card but I got a F and a D and I couldn’t go so i had to stay with my aunt for that time
I think the issue is in your post. The poor lass sounds like shes been dealing with her own hell talk to her and get her therapy dont punish her
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Unpopuar opinion im sure : But, Instead of punishing her ( the world has done enough of that to her) . Love her, love her unconditionally . Heck as Adults we have a hard time managing our emotions and feelings. I can’t imagine being 13 & being ripped away from my Mom ( you said she’s been with you a year & she’s 14 ) . I don’t know if yall are strangers to her before this year but if so that’s even worse. I am Sure she’s feeling like she has nobody anymore. If your strangers to her what a awful feeling 
. Take her on Vacation and Love her, including her in family fun and getting to know her and her you , maybe what she needs is to get to know you & be more comfortable with you , it could really improve yalls relationship and help her to let her guard down. I’m quite sure she needs reassure that you want leave her too. She’s throwing a guard up by acting out she’s hurt about her past & family and hurt about her unknown future. Please put her in Therapy asap and by all means do some Therapy with her too. That girl is toting the world on her shoulders and just needs someone she can trust to help take all that burden of her. Talk to her a lot And Validate her feelings and also regenerate that actions have repercussions/ punishment and for every action there is reaction weather good or bad. My biggest suggestion is to Love her , even when she’s unlovable, love her even though she can’t love herself- right now, love her… & talk talk talk & explain why she got in trouble, ask her why she did or does what she does, and have her to help & decide what her consequences for her actions will be.
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Am in a similar situation with me step kids and my stepson thinks he untouchable and he is uncontrollable nothing we tried work either it to the point ave had police at me door hes lived with us when his mam was poorly and his mam dosnt matter who household he still plays vile games.the lies are unreal and constant he 11 and I’ve.got a 4 year old 3 year old and a 4 months baby ave had to say nope a cant have this behaviour around my children (violet aggressive behaviour and towards toddlers ) there a lot more to it he already under camhs had a couple of workers nothing ever chages the behaviour is completely unacceptable but there reasons for it in the end a asked for a respite brake u just got to take 1 day at a time they and tackle 1.thing at a time me step son is loving boy with a heart of gold under this hard man wannabe exterior got to his the crowd he mixes with dosnt help good luck xxx
Maybe she needs more than just telling off? Maybe there has been a lot that poor child has dealt with and this is her way of dealing with it? Get her some help…
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If she was taken away from her mother obviously something was wrong in her home life there , she’s not been with you guys long - maybe instead of punishments she needs an open ear support and kindness ?
Also as a mother of a 14 year old boy I can tell you a certain amount of rebellious behaviour is normal at this age - keep at it be firm but fair and include them in all the fun stuff you do - maybe do more 121 stuff with her like movie nights where she can chose the film etc
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Let her go on the vacation because if yall are the only ones going then she might feel even more lonely and not part of the family. Maybe get her some help like therapy. Maybe give her a journal and at the end of the week have her come sit at the table and if she wants to she can share it or if she doesnt want to share certain things that’s fine too. Let her know if she doesnt want to talk it out then she can write you a letter and leave it for you to write a letter to her in response. Make her feel like she can come to you and make her feel like no matter what yall are her family. Make her feel secure and supported.
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Screw the vaca, take her to therapy
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Personally I wouldn’t take her. If she is acting up there needs to be consequences. Yes it’s sad that she was taken from her mom but she needs to learn she can’t use that excuse forever. In society we have rules and we are all taught that we must follow the rules. If she was out in the streets and committed a crime do you think they’d let her go just because she was taken from her mom? Show her you love her and are there for her but don’t let her get away with anything just because of her situation. I was a foster kid and I used to use that excuse when I acted out and I was around the same age, but I knew what I was doing.
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As someone who was treated like complete shit by my family my whole teenage years. I dont think taking everything from her is the right way to handle it. I did anything and everything at a young age, i disappeared for weeks at a time no one knowing where i was etc. I was bad, i didnt listen, i was on drugs, i was stealing, etc.
It all started after I experienced two back to back traumatic things in my life and felt as if i had no one.
A little love and making someone feel as if they are worth something goes a long way
No sure wouldn’t, I know someone that took everything out of his teenage daughters room including her door and lights for not being respectful
Coming from a person that was ripped from my family but younger than her you are definitely not going about it the right way. You’ll just end up making her hate you and when she turned 18 she’ll never come back
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First, you really have to understand what she is going through. Being taken from her mom may have been what was “best” for her…but that doesnt mean it’s not hurting her. It may have been a year ago, but that anger is probably still there. It can take YEARS to learn to cope with it.
Get her some help. Some real help. Take her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and get her into a psychologist who can provide therapy based on her specific problems who is qualified to counsel a child who has a traumatic past.
Take some time to familiarize yourself with her issues and take some time to empathize with everything she’s been through. Really. Look back to yourself at 14…look at what she’s going through. How would you have felt? What would you have done to cope with those overwhelming emotions?
I am not saying to let her past be an excuse for bad behavior, but once you “see” through a child’s eyes it can help you in correcting the behavior.
As far as the vacation goes. Would I take her? Depending on what and where it is…probably not. More because I would be afraid that she would do something reckless in a unfamiliar area than to actually punish her.
But I also wouldnt go without her either.
I would postpone it instead.
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Sounds like u just don’t want her involved.
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She has obviously been through so much, she is probably struggling with so much mentally. Take her! Show her love!
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She’s 14, no matter what she’s done she in now your daughter. Its been rough on everybody, covid has already taken so much away. Don’t take away her vacation just take the child and keep a close eye on her. Behavioral counseling could do wonders. Try to remember when you were that age.
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Sounds like it’s time for therapy.
You say it like you had no choice to “get her” you sure don’t seem like you like her much either because she probably doesn’t fit the mold of your child.
It’s a commitment to raise a child especially one who is already damaged inside. Not taking her on vacation is not okay if you do not include her in a family vacation she will feel more like she probably already does not part of the family kids will do anything to get attention even bad stuff so I think you need to love her more create a relationship where she can talk to you about what’s going on . Trust me it’s not easy but I thank God I worked hard to get my child the help he needed before he became 18 who knows what this world would dish up for him
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Oh stop. You CHOSE her. Act like it. Smfh.
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