I’m a 21 yr old female and living with my girlfriend (31) of two years and I have a two year old daughter. Our relationship is always full of ups and down. We don’t have very many common interests especially when it comes to parenting. She believes in more of a “rule with fear” “spanking is a must” type mindset. Where as I’d rather communicate with my daughter and explain to her why she can or can’t do certain things. “If they’re too young to reason why are you spanking them and if they’re old enough to reason why are you spanking them”
she’s just a lot more harsh than I am. My problem is lately I feel like it’s been out of control and if I don’t pick her side always I don’t love her or I’m picking my (our) daughter over her. (I don’t dare say it to her face that I will always pick my daughter over her any day…DUH.)
She says she adores our daughter and sees her as her own… she’s always been good with her and my daughter wakes up everyday excited to see her and play. But when my girlfriend is in a bad mood she’s so mean and impatient and takes it out of us with snarky comments or no sympathy for anything. We wanted to try out insta cart because money has been tight but our daughter was having a late nap and she suggested “we can leave her in the car and lock it with the spare key” I’m sorry but… WHAT?! I would NEVER leave my two year old alone in a car while I go inside shopping (this was at 7pm) even if the AC was turned on and the car was locked. I totally shut her down and she was so upset with me because “it literally will be okay” she said. She was so upset we didn’t do that. Which raised some !!! Major vibes.
For the past few days my daughters had a nasty cough that wakes her up at night. We all sleep in one bedroom but daughter in her own bed. My girlfriend was angry we didn’t sleep on the couch to be away from the noise at night. She wakes up at 6am for work (understandable she doesn’t want to be tired) but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving our two year old alone in our room while she’s sick just so we don’t have to hear “annoying crying and coughing” (her words) she refused to sleep on the couch without me and made me feel really bad for sleeping in the room with my daughter. I understand some nights are going to be hard, we’re not gonna get enough sleep, that’s just what being a parent is, right?
She’s very stuck in her own mindset of “my way or the highway” anything I do or refuse to do is wrong in her eyes.
I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Are these red flags? Should I be doing something else to try and fix this?
We’ve had so so many conversations and arguments over this. I’ve threatened to leave so many times because she won’t change her “I’m right you’re wrong” mindset… I feel like I’m always in the wrong… but I’m so scared to leave because what if it’s the wrong decision? Should I stay and fight some more? Or be the bad guy and finally put my foot down and walk away? She tells me I’m dramatic and always so sensitive so I’m asking all this to try and make myself feel not so crazy and feeling the way I feel… please help…
It sounds like your girlfriend is truly jealous of your daughter. It’s a difficult situation but if anyone gets upset for you choosing your daughter over them they don’t deserve you in the first place!! Rather move on and be happy
If she is spanking a baby and thinks it’s okay to leave her in a car then please run! Run as fast and far away as possible and never look back before it’s too late. She could seriously harm her, she doesn’t sound stable at all! They are more than red flags they are deal breakers!!!
Yes, these are 100% red flags. Your girlfriend really should be in therapy to learn how to control her emotions. There’s no reason to be rude and snarky to a 2 year old or your partner just because you woke up in a bad mood. It also sounds like she could be jealous of your daughter.
Having a child is hard work. I have a daughter myself. I would never think of leaving her in the car at 7PM at night. Cops could’ve gotten called and it’s a possibility they would’ve taken your daughter away from you.
You wouldn’t be a bad person for walking away. There’s nothing you can do to fix someone who obviously doesn’t have any consideration for you or your daughter’s feelings. Never feel bad about choosing yours and your daughter’s happiness over her. You are a mom. It’s your responsibility to choose your daughter over anyone
If she doesn’t understand your child will always come before her, then she ain’t the one babe! Any parent understands that kids come first.
You’re in an abusive relationship. Just because it’s not physical, doesn’t mean it won’t have a HUGE impact on your mental well-being and your daughters.
Never stay for the kids. It’s a mistake that just makes everyone miserable.
I hope you find your happiness
Yes, these a major red flags. If she suggested to leave YOUR daughter in a car too work, while you’re there; there’s a possibility she’s already done it when you weren’t there. She is definitely a Narcissist. I would leave if I were you. If you can take your daughter to a grandparents, or maybe aunts/uncle’s. Or something let them know what’s going on, and get out. I would not trust her with your daughter.
You need to grow up and be the adult because she won’t, what she is doing is not mentally nor physically healthy. If you leave your daughter in the car alone child services can take her away and then you have to fight to get her back. Tell your girlfriend either you go for counseling or you are leaving. Because what she is doing is borderline child abuse. Never allow this to happen to your child not ever.
Leave!!! Anyone who suggests you leave your damn toddler in the car by herself is dangerous fr! & she’s 10 years your senior at that! She knows what she is doing.
Get away from anyone and everyone who seeks to pin your children against them. In an effort to control you. She’s sick. Clearly needs help and you’re only continuously feeding the beast by staying and engaging in this damaging dance with her. Move on. Get counseling and help for yourself.
You’re crazy for not leaving & questioning it. Why be with someone who is like that. Your child comes first. Your gf acts like a child. Anything could happen causing your gf to snap & she may hurt your child. Red flags are there! LEAVE.
I think u should maybe check out counseling. Individual and couples. This will help u work through any individual challenges u are having and will also help with communication. One thing to keep in mind is she is an adult and if she chose to stay in the room n not get sleep that was her choice n she can deal with the consequences. U need to identify ur deal breakers and where u r willing to compromise but so does she. People will argue whether ur kid comes first or ur partner, personally I side with u on every point u explained here.
I wouldn’t say these r red flags but I do think they are things u guys need to discuss and identify some deal breakers and where u will compromise. Good luck with everything!
Anyone that isn’t patient with my child is a no go. I wouldn’t trust her alone because she’s clearly ok with leaving her in the car alone, she’s clearly okay with not losing sleep over being attentive to such a young child over night. To name a few. Maybe if it was actually her child, she’d feel different. She should also respect you enough to understand you may not always agree with her ideas and that is okay.
There’s so much I want to say right now. Like “run” “get far away” things like that. But it’s not my place. Personally, with my past. I would take tf off and never look back. I’ve been thru years of abuse from previous partners. To me, this sounds like the very beginning of a horrible situation.
Just my opinion. I don’t want to say throw your relationship away. But also if the other party isn’t willing to see your side too, is it really a relationship? Or more of a dictatorship?
Don’t stay I’ve been dealing with the same issue with my husband for 10 years and keep asking myself why? I thought it would get better but it only gets worse I’m at the point now where I’m walking away because enough is enough and my kids deserve better.
I feel if you stay things are only gonna get worse some people’s minds you just can’t change!! And it makes me wonderful would she leave the 2yr old in the car if she was alone with her!!! Nope nope nope for me! I’d be out!!
Red flag red flag red flag. She’s manipulating you and acting as though you should choose her over your daughter. Then using passive aggressive behavior and throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way… Also the fact that she does not seem to have your daughter’s best interest at heart is a red flag. You don’t leave your sleeping baby in the car alone and if she’s sick of course you want to keep her close. If I were you I’d get out.
The last line says it all you feel crazy. If she makes you feel crazy and then tells you your crazy it’s gaslighting then a narcissist telling you your like this because blah blah blah take your baby and leave. It will be hard but so worth it once your out of the situation you will wonder why you stayed for so long. Trust me from experience.
Definitely need to leave that relationship. One of my ex left my 3 yr old in my van to come in and check on me ( i was getting an eye exam while he waited in the car with my child). I immediately said Where is he?? He justified it by saying he locked the door. I ended that relationship very shortly after that. I couldnt forgive that! And I couldnt trust his judgment after that. You’ll find someone better for you & your daughter hun.
Boyfriends and Girlfriends are a dime a dozen, but your kids are forever. What is your little girl learning about relationships? Honestly, I can’t believe you are asking for opinions on this…I think you know the answer already. Ask yourself this…do you love your girlfriend more than your daughter?
It sounds like your girlfriend is truly jealous of your daughter. It’s a difficult situation but if anyone gets upset for you choosing your daughter over them they don’t deserve you in the first place!! Rather move on and be happy
Sounds to me like she needs to go. Choose your kids in all aspects all of the time. Sounds to me like she knows she needs to end it but wants to give gf the benefit of the doubt. Two red flags right from the jump, leaving her unattended and not wanting to lose sleep cuz the child is sick. That’s a no-no right there and if you dont have the guts to tell the gf your child will always get chosen over her out of fear of an argument, then why on earth would you even wanna be with someone like that. My kids dad knows I will always choose them first(and we are together) if that was ever brought to the table as an issue then i would be a single mom, period
You KNOW the answer, she is no good for you and your daughter. NO right minded person would ever willingly leave a 2 year old locked in a car alone. No, Just No.
The things your child goes through now will affect her the rest of her life. Even after y’all are gone. She will take it into adulthood. Take that to heart and make your decision
Ok first thing is the reason you have nothing in common is because of the age gap. You were 19 and she was 29 when you got together right? Ask yourself this: what does a 29 year old want with a 19 year old? CONTROL!!! Get out now before it’s too late. Your daughter will end up with severe emotional problems if you don’t. Not being mean, just being blunt.
RUN… capital for a reason… this person has narcissistic tendency… I think you know this… you know that this is not right the way she treats your 2 year old without any sympathy or empathy…your baby is 2 years old… she is sick… she needs her Mommy…
Everything doesn’t have to be we. You could have stayed in the car while she shopped. You could have stayed in the room woth your daughter and she slept on the couch so everyone will be happy. She sounds toxic honestly. No real woman would make you choose her or your child no matter what. Also, no one in their right mind would be ok leaving a 2 year old in the car. Duh.
The fact that you’re asking means deep down you already know! If it’s reassurance you’re asking for then you have it! Leave ASAP. It sounds like it won’t be easy and she may try some craziness when you leave but you have to put your daughter first! It took me 12 years to get away, please don’t wait that long! It will not get better!
Leave her alone. Most people don’t know how to be a parent when they themselves don’t have children. It takes someone truly special to understand that role. Leave her. She’s wanting you to put her first above your child and it won’t happen. Not as any sort of respected parent. Leave hun.
Answer me this… do you trust her alone with your daughter?? … if she is willing to leave your daughter in a car alone unattended to go shop I would say thats a hard no. How do you not see these as red flags. Run for the hills!
If you feel like this maybe it’s time to give her up. Your daughter is what’s most important to you obviously…so do what’s right for her. She’s the one that’s watching you and how you react. She may be excited to see your gf but kids that young don’t really understand mistreatment. But do you really want her to look back at this when she is old enough to understand and then she is mad at you for allowing all that to happen. Seems to me your gf is in the relationship for you not your daughter and that could lead to something dangerous. Stop it before it gets to that point.
Leave. Not a good partner for you or parent to your child. The fact that she would suggest you leave your sleeping daughter in the car while you go into shop makes me worried that if she has your daughter alone that she would do that when you’re not around. She’s putting your child in harms way and that’s not ok. Also with the sickness and sleeping situation. How can she be so careless to your poor sick 2 year old. That baby needs their momma/parent. Why couldn’t she just go sleep in the couch alone then if she wanted it to be quiet while she slept?? Being a parent, especially to a toddler, means you’re NOT going to get good sleep at night. There is no reason to be with someone like that. You need to leave that relationship because she is not going to change. Choose your daughter over her because your child is more important in every way. Your child only has you and needs you and you need to be there for your child and choose her over anyone.
Run and don’t look back the fact tour scared to say to her face you would pick your daughter over anything is a sign you shouldn’t even need to say it!
Sorry, but I think you already know the answer, she sounds nothing more than a man exerting cohesive behaviour over you. Your daughter must come first & if it’s this early on in the relationship…how far will it go…the fact that you say “you daren’t say something to her face” spks volumes. You need to say bye for both you & your daughter’s sake.
Leave ! Any Grown human who wants you to choose between them or your child is definitely a red flag and very much so toxic protect you peace and sanity and start over without her. This is easier said than done but LET GO AND LET GOD
If any partner of mine suggested I leave my two year old in a car alone I would lay them out right there on the floor and do the jail time standing on my head , she is a horrific human being and that child deserves better !!!
Oh my god girl you have to bounce!!! No one should make you feel that way over your baby!!! Period!! Before something crazy happeneds what if she has her alone and leaves her in a car one day??? Think about it!!!
Run and don’t look back!! She is controlling and the older your daughter gets the worse it will get! That is your daughter not hers she has no right to make any decisions when it comes to your child!! And she has no right to put her hands on your child!!
My only comment is your that lil ones mama. That’s no way to raise a child I agree on occasions yes a lil smack to the bottom helps but only in most extreme cases. It’s as a parent easier to get children to understand right from wrong by sitting down and explaining. At the end of the day it sounds more like your both been controlled and you need to pack them bags and go. Never mind threatening any more as your partner won’t believe them as you never have. For the sake of that lil girl. RUN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!! Been in a similar situation with an abusive ex. And trust me things get worse as time goes on.
Your kids come first and for most. If she is putting you and your daughter down all the time, then I would leave. You and your daughter deserve better. You may love your girlfriend but you can’t stay and hope things will get better. Leave while you can.
She’s very immature compared to you. I wouldn’t leave because you can’t just take your daughter and then you risk leaving your daughter there while you seek custody… Why not suggest some family therapy or find out what parts of parent hood she’s finds the hardest and doesn’t like and help more with them parts. She sounds like she’s not enjoying motherhood could be it’s becauses not happy in the relationship or she’s jealous of the bond you have because she doesn’t feel that. What’s her relationship with her parents like??
My wife used to be the same way been with her since my daughter was 5 and literally everything your describing is how she used to be also finally i had enough after countless talks and arguments i finally told her enough was enough that when we got together she knew i had a child and that it couldnt be her way all the time and if things did not change than i would have no choice but to leave in the end she understood and changed her ways but not everyone will you just have to do whats right for u and ur child even if it means leaving if she wont change but you have to show her u mean it and can make it on ur own if u have to but would much rather work it out and stay together but she has to change too its all about compromise and how much she really loves you and your child
I would leave asap !! Sounds like she trying to get your kid taken from you by trying to leave her in the car glad you said no. It really sounds like she doesn’t like kids fr I would leave before something happens to your daughter
Run honey. No relationship should make you choose your child or them. People come and go in your life, your child will always be your child. Be with someone accepts both of you , you are a package deal.
protect you peace and sanity and start over without her. This is easier said than done but LET GO AND LET GOD 
. Get out of there.