Both mine were planned and I was engaged both times. They are ten years a part almost. I was two completely different people when I had my kids
I wanted kids. Or even times before I wanted them, when I was young and dumb and laid down with a man I didnât intend to have kids with. I knew that the possible consequence of sex was a baby. So regardless of their father, I was prepared to take on sole responsibility of my children. Because promises can be broken, vows can be broken. Sometimes love fades, and true colors show when itâs too late. Hell, people die. Things donât always go as planned. So I knew if I was a big enough girl to lay down with a man, I better be prepared to handle the consequences alone. Bonus if Dad is on board, but shit happens. You never know. Even if you have a man, but you arenât prepared for single motherhood, donât have kids.
Wow, how naive is this. Some of us wanted a child but not a manchild 
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I have 3 childrenâŠ.didnât marry their father until I was pregnant with the 3rd. Marriage just wasnât important to me. I come from a long line of divorce. We had children and a home and all our bills were in shared name. Why did we need an extra piece of paper when we already had all these other legal ties? We loved each other and it was enoughâŠ.to each their own. Marriage does not always mean forever either. Some people are not meant for life no matter how some try to force it. 
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Children can be a game changer for a relationship. Itâs the modern world. Easier and less expensive m to break up with a boyfriend then get divorced 
also my husband and I had our son before getting married. We had a planned wedding before Covid shut everything down and the birth of our son came first before a legal statement. Fuck off in this post honestly. Pisses me off in so many ways not just for myself but others
Quite the hornets nest you kicked with a general, open question. So many defensive responders.
Haha why does someone elseâs relationship status bother you so much?
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Some of these things they have only been together a short amount of time, donât have a job, some drink to much and they donât understand why heâs out all night , thinks heâs cheating and sheâs pregnantcrying sitting by herself. They think itâs gonna change after the baby is bornâŠnot in the slightest. I donât get it.
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Well, I got prĂ©gnant after the doctors told me I couldnât carry Ă child. I thought that meant I couldnât get prĂ©gnant. It meant carrying Ă child would devastate my entire body and most likely kill me. PrĂ©gnance tried to kill me and my babies. I married my childâs father at 18. I had 3 babies by the time I was 21. Used 3 forms of birth control together and still got prĂ©gnant. I would have had 4 babies 2 and under if one twin had not implanted in the wrong place. I got prĂ©gnant on purpose 10 years later. Then my husband decided to start Ă New family while working over seas. He didnât let his first family know for another several years. He just stopped coming home. He stopped being a father. He stopped calling. So, 21 years and 4 children later He divorced me and ruined our lives. 2 oldest turned to drugs, two youngest suffered. The very youngest ended up living with my mom because I had to work long hours and try to save my oldest two. Marriage can be wonderful. It can also be Ă special kind of hell. Birth control doesnât always work for most of the females on my mothers side. Donât judge others based on your perception of their expĂ©rience. Live your life and love others as they live theirs. Simple.
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Marriage didnât stop my now ex husband from falling onto another woman naked . Cause that happens accidentally 
Iâm the one left single parenting our 7 kids. That devalues him not me and our marriage didnât protect me from ending up with a waste of space partner to then end up alone with the kids anyway. All marriage did was give me false security which left me blind to his true colours for decades.
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Please be civil but you are clearly attacking âunmarried mothersâ!!.
First of all marriage isnt for everyone!!
Secondly, getting married doesnt mean the man will act any better than a S/O!!
Our paths in life are all different.
Lastly, not everyone can use birth control without serious side effects. I have hormonal imbalance and thyroid problems so any form of hormonal birth control makes me sick. Literaly!! I dont feel comfortable with the copper IUD.
PLEASE DONT MAKE KAK STATEMENTS OR ASK KAK QUESTIONSâ:bangbang:
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Why only blame the woman??? It takes 2 to Tango
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Roche De Souza kyk vir die tief!!!
Been with my partner on and off since we were five years old. Still not âmarriedâ. Common law partner. Have kids together. Heâs still here! 
. Times are changing and being married doesnât always have to be the way to keep your man anymore 
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Iâm hoping you see. Marriage to some is just a piece of paper. I donât need a piece of paper to claim that Iâm married to my man marriages in your heart thatâs my belief and you have your own belief which is great also
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To many marriage is just a piece of paper. I mean look at the divorce rate, some times being married doesnât mean the relationship is good
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Shit happens and some women cant use certain things people are not obligated to get married lots of people are against marriage now a days and in some cases and perspectives rightfully soâŠits just a piece of paper after all
I have 6 kids and to be honest marriage isnât a thing to me
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Iâve been with my fiancĂ© for 8 years and we have a 3 year old. Only reason we arenât married yet is because of money and my familyâs inability to get up to where we live for our wedding. My fiancĂ© would also likely lose his SSI and we would no longer have an income. Sometimes thereâs extenuating circumstances.
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Why is it the women fault if the father doesnât do the right thing when sheâs the one who is doing the right thing
She needs support and uplifting
Not more abuse and bashing
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Personally, I donât think itâs a reflection of the women (or men) in these situations but a reflection of the times we are living in. There are life lessons that have not been captured & passed down from our parents & grandparents about being a good person, making good choices, what âgoodâ looks like (kindness, empathy, hard working, generous, etc) in other people & role modeling maturity, resourcefulness & dependability for their families. A lot of people come from broken homes themselves & had parents with messed up lives & it takes them time to recognise that they can break the cycle before they take steps to break it.
It still amazes me when I read thru various questions posted or read about the struggles of other Mamaâs & see recurring themes. What I am most thankful for in this page though is that there is always someone for whom the same trauma or lesson is still fresh & can patiently provide advice and point another Mama in the right direction. None of us is perfect⊠But we can make a difference by helping someone else in their time of need instead of wagging a finger in their faces & pointing out all the âshoulda, coulda, wouldaâ of their lives. In many cases, we already know where we messed up & donât need someone else to point it out but just to guide us so we can get ourselves out of the hole we dug for ourselves 
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There is still a legal responsibility to both parents . Married or not ! That is not a smart statement to make by the way . Itâs easier for most not to be married , especially if youâve been there once . No bed of roses just a piece of paper .
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Soo this is where Iâve gone wrong⊠a piece of paper stops a manâs dick from falling into another woman 
Bcuz itâs stupid to have the acknowledgement of the state and government that 2 ppl are a couple before doing couple things, ie starting a family. Love makes a family. Not a flimsy, flammable piece of paper.
Yes, there are legal protections brought w marriage. Nothing a birth certificate wonât cover - in terms of this post.
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âbe civilâ
I hope you choke and dogs dies. Hows that for civil? Oh and to top it off i dont have kids I just think itâs shitty that you attack single mothers like this.
Maybe the woman doesnât want to be marriedâŠ
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The butthurt on this post is hilariousâŠall the dumbasses commenting on it being none of her business 
sheâs entitled to her curiosity. Lots of hit dogs hollerinâ lmaaaaaaoooooooo
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Karen should really quit clutching her pearls on Facebook and go back to church
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Whoever wrote this is a f**** and thatâs saying it nicely⊠sorry trying to be respectful 
pos
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theres plenty of reasons why women dont use birth control. not like men cant use spermicide and condoms. 
it takes 2. stop pointing to one.
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Amen. Iâve said the same thing numerous times. It looks kind of ridiculous for a woman to be crying about a man not stepping up as a dad to her 3 kids when havent even married him yet. Câmon. Women need to start at least going back to the age of waiting until after walk down the aisle to have a baby with a guy. Practice safe sex until then with bc and condoms. It isnt hard. And why have a kid with a guy that treated you like crap before even had a kid? Kids dont make a guy grow up or commit. HoweverâŠknow a lot of women that have as many kids as can with guys without marrying them trying to rake in the child supportâŠyet do it with guys that dont even have decent jobs. Lmao! Like they are supposed to magically get money from an unworking man somehowâŠOne that canâŠin some statesâŠsign over his rights and not have to pay child supportâŠif not run or not show up for DNA testing. Many ways a guy can slip through financing kids. Women need to think about a kidâs feelings more than their own or more than about raking in money. A kid benefits from a home with 2 parents in a stable relationship more than being raised by a single person working all the time that they barely see⊠Marriage should always come before kids. That way at least have a start with a stable homeâŠif the woman actually made sure the guy loves her and treats her right for a few years before they marryâŠI feel bad for the kids in these situations more than anything.
This is the dumbest thing Iâve ever read. Coming from an unmarried mom with two kids from the same man whoâs 1000% involved and responsible. Also, got pregnant on birth control with my first.
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Yes. But also to the last point, having a baby generally doesnât save a relationship either
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A piece of paper means absolutely nothing.
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FYI , a man has legal and emotional rights to his child weather the child was born in or out of marriage!
Itâs called being a MAN!
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Itâs all a personal choice. I was married for 17 years with 2 children. Divorced and never remarried so doesnât really matter if your married because life happens and things change. He cheats you divorce him and raise kids yourself because the man doesnât want to be part of the kids lifeâs. Just celebrated my 20th year with the man who has always been there for my kids and we are happily unmarried. So to even ask this is to say only married couples should have kids is so ridiculous .
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Itâs been my observation that women keep having babies in the hopes that the guys will stay. Then are confused as to why theyâre single parents with 3+ kids to daddies that donât pay child support.
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I am engaged going on nearly 4 years with this man. The first baby wasnt entirely planned, and we are pregnant with baby #2. Now⊠Let me ask you a question to your question, why does the government having a final say in my love life mean i should have a kid then? He and i do a lot together when it comes to taking care of our daughter and heâs excited about our son thatâs on the way. Why must a big ol wedding that only announces we love each other which everyone already knows make any ounce of a difference? Why does me taking a last name make a difference when my children have his name already?
People can be married and hate their spouse⊠I on the other hand am happily in love with my man and a marriage is not a requirement. He shares a whole load of âemotional responsibilityâ especially since we both are neurodivergent, and have an autistic daughter⊠Love doesnt always need a piece of paper approved by the government.
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Why do you have to be married to have kids? Does a piece of paper make you a better parent? If I was married to my daughterâs father would he have stuck around and not ignored her? Does being married with kids give you a perfect life? What does being married change? I donât understand this concept
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Been with my man 8 years this April, I donât need a piece of paper to tell me that my relationship isnât true love or less than self respect for myself. By reading this it truly aggravated me, we have a son together heâs going to be 5 in February. Itâs like your telling us that because we arenât married we need birth control?! What happened to my body my choice?! Some people like myself donât do good with foreign chemicals purposefully put into our bodies. And Iâm also sorry that you donât agree with a life style that works perfectly for some of us⊠no reason to degrade because you donât agree! What happened to women uplifting other women!
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I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my daughter 13 years ago. And i found out I was pregnant with my son right after my mom passed. My kids saved me, married or not.
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Itâs none of your fâing business. Stop judging people you donât even know. Life is not perfect. At least these women are birthing their babies and taking care of them. If you really care, why donât you help these women out, offer finances, babysitting, etc. BTW, birth control is not 100% effective. Also, donât make controversial statements if you canât deal with conflicting opinions. We are adults here, not children.
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Wow, cause I love him and weddings are expensive, I mean if your offering to pay for my wedding go for it, and the whole legitimate thing is bs every child born is legitimate they have been born no piece of paper , ring or deadbeat parent, grandparents can change that, I hate the self righteous god squad bet sheâs not pure
Plenty of married men donât do their share too.
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Wow. I feel like this statement is straight out of the the 1920s. Noone has to feel pressured into getting married because society tells you different. Divorces are alot of drama and expensive. Iâm 32 with 3 children and Iâm not married yet. I believe in marriage at any point in life. Before kids after kids when you are young in-between and old. But itâs each individuals choice on whether or not to be pregnant married or not. Lemme guess you think slavery and segregation should be a thing to? Smh. Some people are unbelievable. the nerve of some folks. Bet she once to speak to my manager
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What an ignorant âstatementâ
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I just joined this group and this is the first post I read? 
I was with a man 4 years, got pregnant on birth control and now Iâm a single momma. No one owes you an explanation. Everyone has a different story but that doesnât mean any of them make us bad people. Never judge a book by itâs cover girl. Much love to you all 
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Is this person serious
Get over yourself. I have 2 kids with the same person who Iâm not married to.
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Maybe they like a variety of D
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I have been with my kids daddy for 13 years with 5 kids not married but still love him with or with a paper I donât need a paper to tell me or him that i love him I donât ever want to get married yes he asked me wen I was pg with my 2nd kid but wen u have kids you donât have money to through out for a wedding and not everyone wants to go the cheap way out and go to the court house that money can be spent on clothes diapers medicine doctors not everyone haves money like that
I never want to get married!!!
If I Waited to get married before having kids I would have died without the wonderful perfect family I have. Because nobody wanted to marry me. So yeah thereâs that
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Not all mothers want to be married. That is a very old school way of thinking. Women donât need to have a man in their life to have a child. They need sperm. Thatâs easy enough to get. All marriage amounts to is a piece of paper. 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. When people get married they donât plan for divorce. They have children. Divorce happens. Guess what? Now you have two single parents. The unwed doesnât bother me. Itâs the ones that canât afford all the kids they have and live on welfare and still have more kids. If you can afford them, have them.
None of your business is it
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Where you went wrong is assuming that birth outside of marriage is always an undesirable/negative outcome. Youâre projecting so hard itâs hilarious
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Some people donât prioritize marriage Iâve been with my FiancĂ©e 7 years we got engaged last year but we have 3 kids 2 dogs and own a home and have always had a strong relationship just didnât want to get married or have a wedding yet
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I agree with a lot of posters, it really is none of your business!!! How can you judge, you donât know peopleâs stories
I think you shouldnât be so judgemental and get a life and mind your own business.!
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I have 1 kiddo and one on the way via ivf and we arenât married been together 8 years and going strong wedding we wanted but just never happened was never the right time maybe eventually we will maybe not it doesnât really matter as long as your family and kids are happy healthy and well taken care of 
god bless your little heart darling 
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This perspective is archaic and ridiculous. It suggests a man is absolutely necessary to properly raise a child. This is bulls**t. Many husbands donât pull their weight either.
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I have been wanting to say the same thing, I just think some of you donât have enough respect for your self
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I was married for 8 years to a highly abusive man who tried to kill me. It was incredibly hard to get away since we were married, even though we had no kids⊠I will NEVER marry again for my own safety. I have been with my current partner for 4 years and we have 2 kids, we are committed to each other wear rings etc, but I will not legally bind myself to someone ever again. I want to beable to walk away if I ever have to without the help of courts.
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Why are you worried about marriage? That doesnât make a family. Most marriages Iâve ever encountered are a joke. Trash. Iâve been with my partner for almost 15yrs. We have 4 kids. They are all honor roll. Have 5 acres and a business. My oldest was top of their class and on full ride scholarships in college. We love our kids and spend all our time together. My partner and I were raised in homes with shitty marriages. We are not together because of a piece of paper. We are together because we want to be. And thatâs how it should be. Donât be Judgy bc ppl donât fit into your cookie cutter image of YOUR ideal situation. How many baby mamas or daddyâs someone has is not your business.
Sitting mighty high on that judgemental horse arenât you!? You have no right to judge anyone!
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Iâve been with the same man for almost 10 years and we have 3 kiddos together. We arenât married and have no plans on getting married. I have way too much student debt to pay off and if we get married, my payments would double so Iâm good lol 
peopleâs personal lives are none of your business
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I agree I didnât get married till after my 2nd and on my death bed. It was always a plan to get married but I though the money could be use on our first born the our beautiful home and then or 2nd born and I honestly hated that I was going out with a different last name then my 2 children. My husband is a truck driver I told my family not to day anything till he was back. They called he drove straight through idk how many states got his car at the hub
Speed like heâll to make it and pulled up to the hospital 3 minutes before visiting hr was left his car running in the front beg the front desk with tears they let him in. He comes in looking like heâll sweet and tears says there about to tow my car and out of breath takes a deep breath and proposes to me. I told him I didnât wait all these years all those milestones for this. He was shocked everyone was shocked I said no. I said I deserve more then a pity proposal I think that hurt him bad it was wrong to put it that way. I didnât realize till hearing you have 30 days to get your ducks in a row how much being married matter to me. I always told him no its just a piece of paper turns out it ment alot to me I was just putting my kids need a home and safe car first before my own happiness I convince myself it was just a piece of paper but itâs not its so much more. I married him bc heâs my forever I knew this since I was 6 year old and said heâs gonna be my husband. Ladies if your putting off that wedding bc of money would be better off in a home or whatever just stop you can still have a beautiful wedding that doesnât break the bank. Donât hold off bc tmrw is never promise live in the now.
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Well, not every situation fits in your perfect little box. Theirs many other reasons why that you hadnât listed.
I think we should ponder more on why you even care? Bc if it was that you actually cared then the cynicism would be toned down a bit. Butvthays not what this post is about is it?
A personâs self worth isnât defined by your pov either.
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Why would anyone feel another personâs relationships are their business?
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Easy answer to your question: itâs none of your business.
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Weâre not in the 18th century, alot of people donât believe they need a piece of paper to make a partnership âproperâ
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My husband and I were together for 7 years with a 6yo together before we got married. I donât feel like having a child outside of wedlock is saying the father canât have rights or be emotionally involved with the child.
If the father wants to be in the childâs life, they will be regardless. My husband took his childâs mother to court and won full custody. So having a child outside of wedlock doesnât mean the father has no rights.
Because of money we kept putting off the wedding. We finally decided to just sign papers. I didnât want a big wedding anyways and Iâve been perfectly fine without a wedding at all.
Everyone has their own lives and make their own decisions. As Iâve answered some of your questions with my own personal choices, other donât make the same choices and thatâs ok. Either way itâs no one elseâs business what my personal choices are. Just as itâs none of my business or your business what others decisions are. There are so many things that effect the choices people make.
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Mind the business that pays you. Why do you care?
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I disagree with the idea that having a child out of wedlock means the mother is âallowingâ the father to have no legal or emotional responsibility. What the father does or does not do is on the father. While I agree with the idea that a child needs a loving family, that familyâs only requirement is that it is made up of people who love and care for one another. Marriage is a religious institution that isnât necessary to have a family.
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I have been with my partner for 19 years and I donât want to get married. Iâm not religious at all and I find weddings lame. We have 5 kids and everyone is doing fine like we are.
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You think married people donât have problems that need answers
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Marriage doesnât make a man be a man. It makes it harder to get away from that man. Definitely more expensive.
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It has alot to do with how you were raised and what morals, beliefs and values you were taught growing up.
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Shouldnât need to be married to take responsibility for your children. & Sometimes accidents happen with birth control. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 months & we definitely werenât married when I got pregnant. I was on birth control. & Not everyone wants marriage. Some people want kids but donât want to get married. Nothing wrong with that.
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You want a bunch of women to be âcivilâ while literally shaming them? Are you joking?! Guess what? My son was an accident. My birth control failed and our condom was defective. Or rather my narcissistic late bf sabatoged it so as to try to get me pregnant. How DARE you sit behind an anonymous screen and S(ut shame/Mom shame women. Just because you were âperfectâ and were married doesnt mean everyone had that option or choice. And you know what else?! Some women cant take any type of birth control for medical reasons! If that is shocking to you then honey you need to do your research. And yes. Some women are literally so fertile that no matter what kind of birth control they try every single one fails. So stop judging other women for how they are living their lives or how many children they have. Stfu and gtfo.
Whatâs a piece of paper prove though?
Very old fashioned opinion⊠thatâs my opinion though. 15 years on 3 children later, engaged but who knows if or when we will get married it doesnât prove anything. 
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Cause marriage is an outdated concept?Iâve had the same partner for 11 years and he has legal responsibility for our children whether we are married or not
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Corinne Dawson you gotta see this bs.
I have two children with my now ex husband. He didnât hesitate to leave his children the same day he left me. Trust me marriage or not was not going to change that
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My children saved MY life. Iâm not married, they both have different dads, and a man that isnât their father is raising them as his own. Someone doesnât not need to be married to have children. I could have easily chosen a different route but if I did I wouldnât be the person that I am today. My kids mean more to me than any relationship Iâve ever had with a significant other, friend, or family member. If those kids are loved and cared for that is all that should matter. Their dads chose to go raise someone elseâs children and not take responsibility for their own kids and im okay with that. We donât need them.
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You donât state your age, but my hunch is your an older woman. The young adults these days are into casual sex. ( friends with benefits ). Marriage to them means different things, than to the older generation. People today do not regard one another like former eraâs. There is a lot of low self-esteme, little self-respect or respect for each other. Cheating is practically encouraged with so many open marriages and open-door policies unions. Its not what the older adults agree with, but its the way the younger crowd has made it. I wonder how little kids survive this total chaos of upbringing. They grow up, yesâŠbut probably emotionally crippled in many ways. ( I believe the recent sayingâŠjust because you were raised, doesnât mean you were raised right!). Trust issues is probably right at the top of what is going wrong with many relationships. Marriage is commitment. We live in a disposable society now. People get bored too quick with their partner. Or parenting isnât what they thought it would be so one wants to " break away"âŠor both. Foster care is filling up fast!! Throw away kids is like throw away relationships. Abortion is their fast âgo-toâ answer for a broken relationship. Few want to make a relationship work for a lifetime. The reason behind it doesnt matter. They just shack up awhile with someone, then later on, go find another. Ladies collecting baby daddies along the way. Men not taking responsibility. Child neglect is the number one abuse. And children have it so rotten, I cant understand why any sane person would want to have a child of their own, when many children need homes. Drive-by shootings, school shootings, peer presure, drug use and alcohol abuse, teacher molesting kids, rape, child trafficking, kidnappings at an all time high, cyber bullying and at school bullying, children born with diseases and disorders, societyâ violence on the rise, outside influences brainwashing your child., the list goes on of why would anyone want to have a child these daysâŠis beyond me! Its actually a positive possition to take, to remain childless.
âPlease be civil as I shit on you, your relationship, your parenting, and your decisions related to your ovariesâ 
You can never see the future
So maybe they were engaged to get married and then God had another plan for them so they became parents first then due to unfortunate and unforseen circumstances they had to split
Or there could be multiple reasons like they were together for several years and didnât think a bit of paper to make them married to make others happy was what to do
Or they were in a dv relationship so things happend and they were trapped till they got help to get out
Thereâs multiple reasons I chose not to judge
As I dont see why getting involved in other peopleâs relationship is anything of anyone elseâs business clearly people who do that and are judgy arenât true to there own happiness or would be more focused on there own relationship and happiness
Just my thought
Some people donât mean to get pregnant I got pregnant on the birth control pill and the depo shot I also got pregnant with my tubes tied I have 4 great kids and I wouldnât change them for the world
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The divorce rate shows that simply being married does not save or continue the relationship, either
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Iâm also surprised at the number of pregnancies and babies born into not-great situations. For me itâs less about marriage and more about the compound effect of everything. The young age of the parents rendering them less likely to make weâll considered choices. Add to that a less-than-ideal financial position and the fact that they keep making the same mistake over and over and with different partners. 
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So imma be that comment that says this is kinda stupid! Iâve been with the father of my son 9+ years we have a 4year old son. Heâs the best father and man to me, he provides for us! Heâs asked me to marry him multiple times. However I am not ready. I want to get my life on track first with having my own house and extra money for a wedding and reception etc. Just because a women is not married does not mean she doesnât know her worth. She could possibly be trying to do it the way she wants! Not everyone has money to have a wedding so they save up. And again not everyone wants to go to the court house and get married!
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I have 6 kids by 4 different men and I used birth control and condoms and still ended up pregnant so it doesnât matter how safe you are if itâs ment to be itâs ment to be
Wow judgemental much! What do you care if people are married or not !?? Marriage is becoming null n void !!! Alabama doesnât even do marriage licenses anymore !! I personally had one out of marriage and one in marriage and the situation for the second is worse than the other !!! I been married twice and will never marry again and if I get pregnant so be it
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Wow. Hop off your high horse, your ignorance is showing.
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dont need to be married to be commited.
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Be civil, but you couldnât be??? Iâm lost!! Obviously you think your sh** donât stink to be able to judge someone you have no clue about! How about reap what you sow!! Just more ignorance talking out their bu**
Marriage donât save a relationship by any means.
Because being married doesnât make any difference it just makes it more difficult then just leaving got to go through lawyers pay money so much rather than if youâre engaged or just a relationship and you donât want to be with that person no more you could just leave no legal strings attached the only thing you get from being married is the last name thatâs it
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Why the hell is it your concern? What other people do with their lives is none of your business. You donât know other womenâs situations so take your judgmental self somewhere else. Marriage doesnât save a relationship either.
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