Can I set those boundaries and not come off like the biggest jerk in the world?

I have two kids of my own who are almost grown. I was ready to be kid free and travel and do amazing things with my life. For about a year now I've been dating this guy who I absolutely love and he has three kids. They are all pretty young and way out of control. We only have them every other weekend and every other week in the summer. I don't want the responsibilities of raising these kids. I feel like I did my time raising kids already. I had my oldest when I was 18. I've been raising kids for 18 years now and I'm ready to be done. Is it possible for us to stay together without me taking on the "step-mom" role? Can I set those boundaries and not come off like the biggest jerk in the world? What would you guys do? I know I dhould have thought about this in the beginning and I did. I've just recently started having anxieties about this. I don't know what to do.
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You look like a jerk just asking the question. Let him go find someone who will love his kids they way they deserve. When you date someone with kids, they’re a package deal. You should have told him from the beginning how you felt about kids. But then he probably wouldn’t have started dating you in the first place.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Can I set those boundaries and not come off like the biggest jerk in the world?

Um… no. Either leave or accept them all. That’s a package deal. :woman_shrugging:t2::woman_facepalming:t2:

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Nope. If you don’t want to be a step mom find someone without kids.

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How would you have felt if someone had these feelings about your children when they were his childrens age? There are plenty of men out there without children. Go find one.

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Imagine someone saying this about you with your kids when they were young smh. Let him go so he can find someone with enough love for him and his kids, you’re wasting his time.

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You knew he had small children when you started dating him. So yes you would be the biggest jerk it’s a package deal. How would you feel if that was reversed. Sounds like that single dad deserves better. If you didn’t want to have to deal with someone else’s kids date someone with no kids or suck it up and step up

Sounds like maybe you should reconsider your relationship and find someone with no kids to make you happy

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You have to take on the step mom role, but majority of the responsibility should be on their father.
I’m in a relationship with a guy who has full custody of a crazy, head strong 4 year old… I have a crazy, back talking 6 year old and a 1 year old; and their father passed away. (It’s crazy in this household)
We both have to step up, while frustrating at times or exhausting for a better term, they are a package deal.
I love my bonus kid like my own, and definitely treat her as such, but sometimes when she’s being difficult or making huge messes, I do lean on her dad to help more in those moments.

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Do them a favor and leave and find a man without kids

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I would say only yes if you don’t live together. You can just hang out and do things when he don’t have the kids. If you are more serious and live together then no you shouldn’t be with him if you can’t accept the whole package.

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Ew. I am not even sure how he doesn’t see this. Girl. Leave him alone, let him find someone who will love HIM & HIS BABIES.

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I dont talk to my dad because his wife never treated me the same as her own. She’d go out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable as a kid. Please do yourself a favor and love those kids or walk away.

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If you don’t take them as a package deal leave. You’re the type of step mom that gives us bad names.

Don’t date men with kids if you don’t want to help raise them.

Gfto of there. You’re gross

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You don’t gotta be anything not even a step mom if you don’t want to… do whatever makes you happy and if being kid free does just that then go for it it’s your life. Just make sure you talk to him about it and if he stays then cool if not then cool. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Set those boundaries, don’t get talked into something you would hate to regret. Live on your own. He lives his life and when you want it to happen spend time with him 1:1. You get to decide what’s right for you.

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Please leave that poor guy he doesn’t need someone who is not willing to be there for him and his kids. You don’t seem like a bad person I get what your saying but just know that he is not the one for you let him move on and find the right person and you as well.

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Then don’t be with someone who has kids. Just like he should accept your kids, you should accept his, or find a different partner. Your relationship with him won’t work because you don’t feel like this kids should be a part of your life but they will always be a part of his life.

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No it’s not possible for you to be with the guy and not be a step mom they Come as a package he didn’t come on his own unfortunately they come ad a family, you want to live the High life Travel and qnd have responsibility of no kids then you need to go anf look for another relationship cause this is obviously not the one for you, poor kids I certainly want mu kids having you for a step mom and a step gran mother knowing they not wanted talk about selfish you knew the guy had kids the whole time…

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Best you move on… if you’re passed the “baby” stage and don’t want to raise anymore then you need to either find someone without younger children or someone without children at all. I wanted another child when my husband and I got together 7 years ago but it never happened. His kids are older and mine younger. But over the years I’ve realized I just really don’t want any more kids. We still don’t use protection as we don’t need to since we’re married but it’s never happened I just hope it doesn’t now. We are older though. He’s 45 and I’m almost 39 so I don’t worry anymore. But ya you need to move on cause it definitely seems like that’s not the relationship for you.

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You know how you want to live your life, live it! Why would you stay with someone who has a lifestyle you want no part of. You are not the biggest jerk! Find someone who is in the same place as you!!

His kids are him. If you don’t want his kids then you dont want.him. plan and simple.

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Um no. If you don’t want the kids you can’t have the man.

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What kind of boundaries? That needs to be clear to really answer this. You don’t have to play mommy. Every other weekend is like 4-6 days a month when it’s not summer. If they act out of control and you don’t want to play mommy then you let him deal w them. If they act out of control and you discipline them that still doesn’t necessarily mean you’re helping raise them, it means as an adult you’re telling some kids to stop being jerks. An aunt, cousin, neighbor, etc can do that imo because it does take a village and alot of kids aren’t taught respect these days. You don’t have to dress them, baby them, cook for them. He can do that. Now if you just don’t want to be around them in general then you’re SOL n might as well move on from the relationship. I think ppl leave out alot of important info in these posts that would enable you to answer these questions realistically.

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Nooooooooooo…. Do not date a man with kids unless you are prepared to take on those kids as your own… negative psychological effects will happen to those kids and that is not fair…. Baby mama drama will happen because the mother won’t want you around the kids if you are like that…. Cut ties and leave…. I’ve been a bonus mom for 7 yrs…. It’s a full time job that includes effort on every single level…. Those kids feelings matter and this will negatively affect their relationship with their father…. Cut ties now

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If you love your partner then you love everything that comes w them. Simple!

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You need to call it quits with the guy if you’re not willing to accept his children. Shameful.

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His a package deal so take it or leave it. Hate to see when yr kids have babies and say same thing like that when they ask u to baby sit. Kids come first remember that.No man will put u before for his own children

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You should probably date someone who doesn’t have young kids. It just sounds like your lifestyle isn’t compatible.

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All or nothing mate, package deal. Shoe on other foot… get it now… the worst thing would be to stay, kids know

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Kids come with the man. So if you want the man take on the step mom role if not leave him he deserves someone that loves him and all of him an everything that comes with him!

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Leave he deserves better

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They’re a package deal. If you didn’t want the responsibility of kids, you never should have dated someone with kids. If you truly don’t want that responsibility, let this man go.

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I would let him go. Find the type of man without little kids so you can do what you desire. This man also deserves to have a woman who wants to be part of HIS family. It is unfair of you to stay when you want him and not the kids. He and the children are a package deal. Don’t bring heartache and issues to a family already in a chaotic state with separated family unit and children who need guidance.

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Wow. Do him a favor and walk away.

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Sorry to say but the kids is a package deal that comes with the man. You did know he had kids before getting involved so why did you get more attached to this man if you do not want to be part of raising his kids. No matter how you set boundaries or what you do if you do not except his kids and treat them like your own, you will always be the bad person

If I was single, I would NEVER even consider being with someone that felt this way. My kids are a package deal. If the roles were reversed you would probably feel the same way too. Honestly, the best thing would be to decide what you want. It’s not fair to him or the kids to stay with him if you don’t want to be any kind of parental figure. You are right to feel the way you do and not want to help raise any more kids. But that just means your lifestyles are not compatible. They deserve someone that wants to be a part of their life.

Them babies are apparently a part of him if you can’t accept his children than maybe it’s time you step back

Let him go. If anything happens to their bio-mom you become full time step-mom & you clearly don’t love them or you wouldn’t be here asking this question :woman_facepalming:t4: Move on!

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I get this bc I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old and had my oldest when I just turned 19, so I’ve been momming for 18 years as well. I am single and do not plan on dating anyone with children unless they are olderish kids like mine. Nothing against any children, I just feel like you, like I have raised my kids and am in the finish line so to speak lol. With that being said, I probably would not have pursued a relationship with someone with young children. You are already in this position now and cannot turn back the clock and honestly my advice is, either leave him so he can find a partner who will want to take on that role or just step up and do it. I don’t think there can be an in-between especially if you all get very serious.

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She knew the answer to her own question before she asked it… I had the best step dad you could ever have, and never treated me differently. obviously you don’t love them, leave :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Leave him. He deserves someone more his speed and so do you.

Lol girl no. If it were the other way around and the guy you were dating didn’t want to take on the role of “stepdad” his kids were grown, would you be okay with that? Him and his kids are a package deal and if you can’t handle it then you need to let him find someone else who is ready to step up and be what those kids and him need.

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Those poor kids don’t need any more confusion in their lives. They deserve a bonus mom who will embrace & love them.

Go find a man with grown kids (or no kids) who wants to travel.

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Ask yourself if that was the partner you needed when you had young kids. Let that man go.

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If you can’t accept his kids then you can’t be with him. :woman_shrugging: sounds like you need to find a man who doesn’t have any kids if you don’t want any more. You don’t truly love him if you’re feeling this way. My boyfriend took on the role of being stepfather to my son when he was 23 because he knew that he was starting a relationship with me AND my son, not just with me. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Sorry but it’s the truth girl

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They are a package deal with his dad. If you cannot handle it then you need to leave him.

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Man these stories on this page just get worse & worse , they all out here writing long as paragraphs making them sound ungrateful & shii like my bro there are ppl out here that can’t have kids & will kill to be in your position. I think you lady need to sort your self out & pack your bags & leave , it’s not those kids fault , it’s technically yours for not being honest with this man & then making those kids look up to you . Before their feelings get to deep you need to leave.

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If you don’t want to partner with someone who has kids… don’t! You will resent them and him at some point. Find some one who has grown kids or none. And make sure the grow kids are not living with or in and out of dads house. This is straight up! If they are there at all you become involved.

Tell him that you don’t want to raise his kids and that you still want to be with him but X out the kids see what he says :roll_eyes::laughing:

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Date someone who doesn’t have kids.

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This is actually so sad. Please leave this man and let him find someone who Loves him and his babies. When you get with someone a single mother/father you love those children and treat them as you would with your own. My kids are 15 and 17 and my boyfriends daughter is 5 so there’s a big age difference… but she literally melts my heart and brings so much happiness to our home when we have her here :sob::heart:
this man and his children deserve better than this :raised_hands:

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You need to leave that man alone. Let him find a real woman who will love his package deal.

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What if the situation was reversed? You wouldn’t want someone who didn’t want your kids. If you would then you should have probably adopted your kids out.

No.
Simply put just no.

You got with him knowing he has young kids. You’re either IN it with him or let him go and be with someone who has grown kids. Let him be with someone who wants to help and nurture those kids.

It’s alright that you don’t want too. It’s ok.
But don’t hold onto him halfway.

Would you be with someone who didn’t accept your children if they were younger??? I have 4 children & couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t accept my kids regardless their age cause I’ll always be a mom first!

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I suggest letting him go. You knew he had kids that’s usually discussed in the beginning and you knew you weren’t sure, but continued it anyway? His kids can probably tell you don’t like them. Plus being a parent doesn’t end at age 18. If they moved out cool, but they still need their parents as they grow through life.

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The kids are a package deal so time to let that man go but you already know that

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I’m sorry but this isn’t going to end well This should’ve been a boundary from the start

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They aren’t your kids so they aren’t yours to parent. Otherwise date someone who hasn’t got kids or be single and enjoy your travel on your own.

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I think that you were ok with it at first but he must not be doing his part which requires you to do more and that is overwhelming. You are not a bad person fir changing your mind. I do suggest you break it completely off if the kids are a deal breaker. Unless he is ok with it but that would sound like he does not see you as long term.

Im a single mum and have been dating a man for quite a long time. My kids range from 25 to 6 yrs old. He has no kids. It was my idea to not become a full family. I had already decided long before meeting him I didn’t want another man in my kids lives and my partner knew this when it was established we wanted to get to know each other better. He accepted this fully and that what I could offer is my time when im not with my children. I value him and make time with him important and often. We know we won’t live together until my children are grown and are both OK with this. It works because it was discussed in the beginning what our relationship would be. This is a conversation that should have been had early on. When you meet someone who has young children you need to think about the role you want to play before pursuing anything serious. If you’ve already met his children what role did you expect to play. If you ever plan to live together how do you not participate in their care . This needs to be discussed so the decision can be made on If this is worth continuing.

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When I was 8 years old my parents divorced, my mom got into a relationship with a man who was apart of my life for 11 years. Looking back at myself as that little girl, I would have been so hurt if he didn’t accept that I was my mothers daughter and ignored me or made me feel unwanted. You need to walk away, find someone who is like you who’s already had children and wants to travel and experience new amazing things. That man needs someone who is willing to take those kids in with open arms and embrace him and his children. If you stay and don’t take the “step mom” role you could push him away from his children, or make them feel like you hate them. Those kids didn’t ask to be born, they are half of the man you love. Maybe try and give them a chance, it’s not like you have them full time. If not, walk away.

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No. It isn’t. Unfortunately when you became involved with him you took on ALL of him. Quit being selfish and deal with the shit you e been dealt or get the fuck out.

u knew he had kids when u got in the relationship as far as im concerned ur being selfish if u dont want to help raise them get rid of himm u cant have ur cake and eat it to

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Unfortunately he comes as a package deal - kids included… May want to rethink your commitments…

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From experience you will resent those kids. You will not talk kindly to them because of the resentment. You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and make him aware of your feelings toward his kids. And also think about the way it will make the kids feel. They will feel the resentment and unloved

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Whether you’re in the picture or not HE should be taking care of HIS kids. Unfortunately we’re trained that taking care of children is a woman’s job. Usually it gets put on us whether we want it or not. Most like he will expect you to take the majority of the responsibility. He’s probably with you for that purpose. I’d run! You raised your kids. Coming from someone who started over at 40 with babies it’s not fun dealing with young kids. Patience is thinner, energy is depleted, you’re exhausted. It’s not good for you or the kids to forced into this role you don’t want. RUN FAST before you get stuck.

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His kids are an extension of him so if you love him then you should love them too. If you don’t want to be a part of their life then I don’t see realistically how your relationship with him would work. I say cut your ties and do what you want. And if you seek another relationship then go for someone without kids.

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I could think of another word for jerk but I won’t write it here. You knew he had kids if you don’t want to take on that responsibility then let him go so someone else can love HIM and HIS KIDS!! Like they all deserve!! Don’t be selfish

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Why get with someone who has young children if your not willing to be a step parent!,

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You need to walk away. He comes with his kids.

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You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone that has kids if your not willing to step up to the plate

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What did I just read? You arent selfish for having these feelings, you are selfish for dating someone with young kids knowing you felt the way you do… The moment you found out he had younger kids, you should have not let it get far. If this were a man saying something like this, all hell would break lose. You should be responsible enough to date guys with no kids or older children like your self. Children are a packaged deal, with either party. Just an FYI…in my opinion, if you continue to date him and not take on the step parent role, it would probably end in him having to choose, which would make you a piece of dog poop.

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Kids come with the parent. They are part of the package. You don’t want that life? Best decision for everyone would be to stop seeing each other while your ahead. Then again people are weird, talk to him. He just might understand. I mean already very odd he only had his kids every other week only during summer… They deserve an amazing step mom who would love to be apart of the family.

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Package deal if not perhaps you should consider dating someone whose also got older children . If someone said to me if date you not really don’t want nothing to do much with your kids I’m bouncing

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Find a man without kids!!

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Break up and find someone who’s in the same stage of life of you. His poor kids will know you can’t be bothered with them.

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I think honestly if you didn’t want to raise more kids you shouldn’t have got into a relationship with someone who has young kids. Its the whole package or you can pack your bags. Plain and simple.

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I think you already know the answer and been told to you here, if living seperate it would work fine but not in a household together, then it would be a lot on you to deal with, you are between a rock and a hard plaace sweetie, and depends on how strong your feelings are for this guy. Good luck with any decision you make.

Do them a favor and walk

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I guess you can as long as you don’t marry and maintain your own home separately.

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Nope never. Not far to him, let him go. Wow, I had my son when I was 17! He is 20 now! My husbands kids 5 and 7 I would NEVER say what you said. Guess what we travel all the time! At least once a month we go somewhere. At least 3 times a year somewhere big! This is an excuse. Find a man without kids! These poor kids, :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:

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I can understand your thought process, but if I were him, you would be removed from my love life asap. Sorry. I raised three kids, and just recently got them all on their own and don’t want to raise anymore, but I’m not going to date someone with young dependant children. They should be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HIS LIFE.

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Not fair for the kids :confused:

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If one of your kids is 18 he is still young enough to want to be around Mom. If you really love this guy then you are going to have to take on the role of being step Mom. Put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if you were in love with a guy but that guy didn’t want to be a step Dad, you would be heartbroken. I mean you only have his kids every other weekend and every other week in the summer, that’s not a lot of time. But if you’re not up for that then cut him loose you’re being totally unfair to him. Don’t be selfish…people that both love each other immensely will do anything for their partner.

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I couldn’t even finish reading this… You do not love him because his kids are an extension of him and you want NOTHING to do with that part of him. If you don’t want the responsibility of “step mom” don’t date/fall in love with someone who has kids… I suggest leaving him because there is no way in hell anyone would take whatever you said as “not jerky”. You just came off as selfish and a b word… You want him but not his kids… Ya. Sorry. It doesn’t work that way with parents.

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You need to let this relationship GO!

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No. You need to end this relationship immediately. He deserves someone who will be willing to be there for the kids. This isn’t fair to him. Break it off.

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Be fair to him, his kids and yourself and walk away. They are a package deal. You can’t carry on a reliable like this without anger, pain and resentment definitely being in the picture from now on.

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If you didn’t want to raise kids why would you date someone with 3 small kids? It literally makes zero sense.

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No way…you shouldn’t date someone with kids if you don’t want anything to do with kids.

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It’s your life and your decision. Raising kids is hard and if u have done it and don’t want to than it’s your decision to do what u want with your life. It’s all up to u in the end . If u don’t want to u don’t have to but he should respect u too to know the boundaries . If it’s not long term than why do something u don’t want to . Kids are a huge responsibility and if u don’t want to and it’s a short term thing and u don’t see urself with him longer than u shouldn’t have to do something u don’t want to sounds harsh but it’s reallly up to u in the end … where’s this relationship going and is it worth it for u in the end . Self care is not selfish. It’s a hard decision to make but if it’s not long term than let him know ? Sorry just my opinion . I have kids and a husband but if it weren’t like this I wouldn’t ever try make someone else raise my kids if they didn’t want to . My kids would and will always come first in my life so if he couldn’t respect my role as a mother comes first and they didn’t want to I’d let them know . The person will always be second and if your willing to be that than that’s up to u too. He needs to think about it too if he sees u with him long term. But nevr know kids bring so much joy to ppls lives . Think about it all and see if it’s long term. If u can’t do it he needs to respect u too for your decision … sounds selfish but you have to think about yourself too . He needs to put his kids first too and if u can’t than let him know . Set boundaries and see how it goes .

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You don’t get with someone who has kids and get to determine whether or not you are apart of their lives. If he’s in their life and you’re in his life then you’re also in their life. There isn’t a way around that.

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Not if you’re living together for sure, and while you’re “Dating” him I’m sure them kids are gonna need you at some point and YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO BE THE MOM THERE

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Leave him and his kids alone

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Let him go so you can be happy and so he can have a healthy happy relationship.

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Kids n father should come as a package
Iknw me N Mii LG COMES as a package 🤷🤷

At any point in time he could become a full time dad due to circumstances. Think about that before continuing further in the relationship.

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