Do I have a say in my husbands new wife disciplining our kids?

So my husband cheated on me with his coworker. The lady he is planning on marrying ASAP as soon as our divorce is final. (they’ve been together a few months, I guess) anyways she does not help with my kids in any way (getting them a drink or anything I mean.) when she does become their stepmom, and if she continues to not participate in their everyday life do you think it would be petty of me to say she has no say in their discipline while with them for visits or anything similar? Or is that petty of me to say to them? I have gone the high ground the whole time. I am trying so hard not to be petty about any of it and just walk away from other than dealing with him for my kid’s sake as long as he keeps wanting to be in their lives, but I’m not going to bed him.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do I have a say in my husbands new wife disciplining our kids?

Pretty sure you can make it a rule in the decree that your ex is the only one that disciplines. I would make sure that’s in the decree.

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You really don’t get a say in their house, sorry to tell you.

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Put it in your parenting plan!

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Its great that you are concerned I’m a full time mom/stepmom of 6 yes it is her roll she should step up voice your concern in court with your lawyer

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His house. How would you feel if you had a partner and your ex did this to you. Discipline should be fine as long as it’s not physical

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You can put that in your parenting plan but whether or not it actually gets adhered to is another story… good luck

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I guess you could try, but what does that really teach your children other than to disrespect an adult and family member. She deserves the same respect that you do and as a stepmother too. Keep in mind that whatever you ask of them, you better be prepared to accept the same in return. I just think it’s petty. However, If there are concerns of abuse then the kids shouldn’t even be allowed at their dads

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You can say whatever you want. You really have know control on what happens there

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As a step parent her role is to support dads discipline. He needs to take the lead on his kids discipline and her back him up. Not her doing the discipline

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Make up a parenting plan. Have that part of your custody

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This realistically needs to be a conversation and agreement between you and your soon to be ex. I’ve been on both sides, and being a step parent ain’t easy, BUT looking back, I would’ve made the bio dad do more of it. If it becomes an issue, you can always try to lesson their time there if the dad isn’t willing to step up.

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You can put it on the court order that only he is to discipline your kids.

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You can have it put in your custody papers that step parents are not allowed to discipline them.

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You sound very petty. It sucks that this happened but that’s gonna be their step mom. They can’t sit there and think they can just disrespect her because mom says so. That’s their house, so the children follow THEIR rules and if they don’t, then THEY both discipline the kids however they see fit (as long as it’s not physical)

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You have a right to say who can and cannot discipline your children, it doesn’t matter who’s house there at they are your children not hers. Everyone that is saying she can bc there under her house must be on something

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Why is he even getting married to her if she clearly isn’t willing to accept your kids or take on mom duties? Ew. Clearly I needed to edit to say “based on the children’s ages” as far as help with drinks etc. Discipline is touchy. But if she cannot help them with something so simple….

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Whether its his house or not if I’m a worried Mum I’d state very clear to her face, she is not to discipline my children!!

I don’t think she is petty at all, if the step Mum can’t even get the children a drink does she even care :woman_shrugging: maybe once she builds a relationship with her step kids then have a talk but its a no from me.

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He should be doing their main care anyway I feel. If she is watching them while he’s not there then she should be allowed to discipline them though.

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This is a slippery slope, and as a stepmom, I discuss with their father before any discipline is to be had. There’s just boundaries I do not cross. We don’t believe in physical discipline, but dad has the ultimate say so.

I also treat them as my own. I cook for them, clean, wash their laundry. I’m there for the sad times and happy. I love them as my own.

But this is me and my husbands house. Their mom isn’t allowed to negate what happens here, especially when we don’t do that to her.

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If she doesn’t participate in a y part of helping them and nurturing them then wants to just step in when it’s time to discipline she’s on it , I don’t think that would fly with me.

Yes you’re being extremely petty. I would hope that my daughters bonus momma would discipline her and hold her accountable. We don’t spank, so I wouldn’t want that but certainly she is an adult and an authority figure in her life. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

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Honestly it’s shitty of her to not want to participate in anything with the kids and it speaks volumes of your ex for allowing that but unfortunately once they’re married if she wants to discipline there’s nothing you can do to stop it

Pray is a ya can do boo

By discipline do you mean in general, or physical punishment? My kids had best respect their dads girlfriend, but let me find out she laid a hand on them.

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You know you deserve better. Forget what what he has done to hurt you, it will eat you alive if you dont. You really dont know how she is. But try to keep a decent relationship for your kids sake.praying for you.

Spanking you have a say other than that NOPE and you will just cause more issues. You cannot dictate or control what goes on his home his time ans a judge will tell you that

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I have it my custody papers that only the parent is allowed to discipline our children. This was after she punished my boys to their room for 3hrs, made my middle child eat soap, and sat my 4yr old next to a wasp nest for a time out.

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You can have it put in your divorce papers that noone but you and your ex can discipline. She should have a right to correct children in her home however put in the papers she is not allowed to spank.

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i’m a stepmom. my husband deals with his sons. i used to step in and handle it before i had my own babies, but now i’m just chillin and dealing with my own kids. plus he’s not really having to discipline them anyway. the way i see it is, a stepmom won’t ever win. you’ll probably be irritated if she “over steps” and ur gonna be irritated if she’s “not doing enough” so just trust ur ex won’t let her do anything off :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Those are your kids and his kids. Do what you feel is necessary. Have it written in the court order like everyone is saying to do.

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If she is the type that doesn’t participate in anything else…doubtful she will participate in discipline. My guess is…it won’t last long…or he will give the kids up for her. But you don’t have any say or right to say what goes on in their home unless your children are being harmed.

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I never discipline my partners daughter. I do growl her when necessary though, but I still love her all the same. I have my own children to worry about.

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You can add it in your papers that only custodial parents can discipline. We did.

That’s petty imo. Maybe not lay a hand on my kid but if they acting like jerks they need to be talked to, time out lose privileges. I’m not raising savages and I don’t expect anyone to put up with them if they’re acting up, it’s not fair to anyone.

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I don’t find that you’re being petty at all about the situation. My parents divorced when I was 4. Dad remarried by the time I was 7 and it was determined between my mom, dad, and the courts that step parents would not be allowed to discipline. They were allowed to reinforce punishment but not actually dole it out themselves.
Mom remarried later on when I was 16 but made it very clear that she was the only one who could punish us.
And by no means did that mean we were allowed to disrespect them in any way or that just meant that we would be punished when bio parent got home.
Set rules and stick to them
Let the kids know that even though she can’t discipline them that there are still repercussions to their actions.

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As a stepmom, we’re gonna do it with or without your permission cuz we don’t let anyones kids run our household. Same for my two kids that have a stepmom

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If she can’t get them a drink of water then she surely better not say ish to my children.

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Honestly I say go big or go home. Petty EVERYTHING. Also, I agree with her not being allowed to discipline the kids . I don’t even find that petty, my ex and I have the same rule for our significant other.

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How old are the kids.
And I will discipline any child in my house if they misbehave or are doing unsafe things.
( not physical violence though)
What do you expect,? That she should put up with bad behavior?

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I’m a step mom to 3 girls… I have always participated in helping with them but… One thing I have never done in the 11 years we have been 2gether is put my hands on any of them. Raise my voice? Yes taken a cell phone til dad says they can have it back? Yes… Have I told them they cant go somewhere or do something? Yes… But if she isnt gonna play the female figure in their life when ur not around then id say she shouldnt discipline them… N if she wants 2 step up and participate n descipline… I personally dont believe she should lay hands on them…

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No she has no right to discipline them and you can go as far as to not have her allowed around then if you have concerns depending on what state you are in. If you can afford to or have help get a good attorney you should have the upper hand in this . Also depending on your kids ages they can voice an opinion and preference if they go with dad or not

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If your husband ran around on you, he will do the same to her. Old habits are hard to break. I cannot express my views on the children.

Also big difference between a step parent and a whore …. Male or female

If you don’t want physical discipline you can say that but no discipline at all is extreme. She may not help Bc it’s only been a few months but she hopefully will grow into that role. It sucks Bc she’s the one he cheated with but you have to look past that and at the child’s best interest

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If you were just saying that because he did you wrong and had a new woman, I would say yes to you being petty.

However, if you’re actually doing it bc she genuinely isn’t involved in your children’s lives when they visit then I don’t think it’s petty.

If you can’t help take care of the children, you have no business disciplining them.

If you don’t like my children enough to help with them on his time, then you don’t like my children enough for me to trust you to discipline them

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Define discipline… any child in my care will be made to mind. I’m not going to beat children but they aren’t going to be disrespectful either.

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If she can’t even get your children a drink,she should have not any say whats so ever on disciplining them.It should be left up to your husband with disciplining them I think.Sucks because either way,they will be in the future and I’m sure you’ll find out about it from your kids.

Thank God I never have had to deal with another woman being in my son’s life. I would NOT deal well with it at all! He is MY son and in no way would I ever tolerate another woman disciplining my son. He would be respectful and courteous, but it would be his daddy’s responsibility to correct our son. If I ever found out that anyone other than his daddy or I put their hands on him or mistreated him, I can assure you with 100% certainty I would catch an assault charge.

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I would ask just how old are ypur kids.?? If they are old enough to get themselves their own glass/ bottle of water…no she shouldn’t. If they are still little, yeah she should. Now with discipline, if they are at their house & they are bad , making them go to their room, or sitting them in time out for x amount of time, is the right thing to do. Hitting, spanking…big no

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If you don’t want her to/ let her discipline then never expect her to do anything for your kids don’t even think about asking her. People like this make blends very difficult and unfair. " Oh I want you to love my kids as your own but you can’t tell them what to do." So don’t be petty and if you’re going to then never ask anything of her.

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Stepparents absolutely need to be able to discipline kids. When you tell them they are not allowed to correct your child you are in a sense giving your child all control. And no one should be Absolutely ok with that. And how does she know she don’t help. Coz I’ll be the first to admit I lied on my stepparents when I was a child to make my other parent feel better. Not gonna lie. Kids are not gonna hear their mom Complain about the homewrecker and tell her how great she is. No they are gonna tell their mom she hates them and won’t get them a drink. In reality they probably wanted a soda and stepmom said no get water. People need to learn to coparent and stop being so negative and petty.

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I think this is one reason I didn’t become an ex, for real. I feel awful for all exes that are parents. So some would say I have no reason to chime in, but I’ve watched family and friends go through this, and tbh, I think it’s definitely something that should have the boundaries carved out fast. Having seen it go good, bad and ugly, I would just encourage you and Dad to sit down and make a plan that works for the children first and foremost. And remember what goes for his new spouse will go for yours if there becomes one.

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I feel like if you can’t show my kids love than you’re not allowed to discipline them. Otherwise it’s just being mean to them. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Just because you hate her doesn’t mean she hates your kids.

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Is she actually currently disciplining the child or is this a “what if” scenario?

Is adultery not illegal anymore? Someone update me or educate me lmao. Likeeee idk how you should be forced to let him have y’all’s kids around practically a stranger he cheated on you with.

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Listen, I get it. Your soon to be ex-husband cheated on you and is planning on marrying someone else and you’re hurt, angry, etc. I also know that you love your kids and want what is best for them. With that being said, as long as this woman is NOT abusive towards your kids, she should be able to discipline them. There may be times that she has to take care of them while your husband is not home. I know it’s hard but try to take the high road because when parents start being petty towards each other, the KIDS are the ones who get hurt. Your husband is TRASH for what he did and it’s always a good thing when the trash puts itself out. Don’t worry, karma is a b**ch. The way she got your husband is the way she will lose him. :woman_shrugging:t4: See mistresses aren’t fun once they become the wife.

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Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what any of us thinks - you included. You can’t control what they do and don’t do (unfortunately).

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If she isn’t willing to lift a finger to help she better not so much as even raise her voice at them kids!! If she’s marrying him shes accepting that responsibility of “stepmother-hood” so to speak. If it were me i would not DARE let her dicipline my child if she doesn’t help with anything else. You dont help, you get NO say in ANYTHING 🤷 #sorrynotsorry

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Get over it+ move on,all I read was a jealous petty ex, using the kids as a pawn against dad+ his new wife here.

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Honestly, if she isn’t harming them, then you really don’t have much control over what happens in their house with their rules. Kids figure out pretty quickly how things really are. I am an ex and I try my best to parallel parent. It will drive you nuts thinking about how they are treated. Let it go, and let your kids vent without responding negatively about the other parent or soon to be step parent. Any parent should be smart enough to be with someone who loves their kids as their own. It isn’t always the case. Be there for them and love them and care for them when they are with you. I do not have the same parenting style they do. My situation has prevented alot of civil communication most of the time. So I do the best I can when I have them.

Learn to get along, don’t be a scorned woman. It will be better for your kids.

Remember there his kids too . Regardless of what or how you might feel about him or her it’s best that as long as there not being hurt when in his care he is the parent and it’s his decision how they are Disciplined.

It depends on her method of discipline. Should she be able to tell them to go to their room if they are misbehaving? Absolutely. Should she be spanking them or carrying out big punishments without their dad? No.

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Straight up women are crazy.
If she was the step mum on here saying “I don’t want to help raise my new husbands kids but I think I should get to be able to discipline them etc” ya’ll would be SLAMMING her with “if you chose him, you choose all of him kids to included… you knew he had kids when you got with him blah blah blah” but now with the roles reversed and it’s the mum upset that she refuses to help with their children & you guys are still slamming her because she’s just upset and bitter?

SHE IS HARMING THEM. Could you imagine being a kid and a person not doing anything for you but disciplining you? Telling you off? Taking your stuff? Stopping you from doing things? Possibly smacking you? My mental health would be all kinds of messed up from that.

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I feel like since she is new to the kids right now their father should be doing the disciplining you don’t know her and don’t know how far some people will takes things. Her sending them to their room or depending on age putting them in a time out is as far as I would let her go. But if she starts calling them out their name or laying hands on them that’s to far and grounds for whatever comes her way.

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This is really a tough situation, divided families are so tough on children. If the division is inevitable it is fare to ask that you and your ex and his new partner attend a parenting class together so that both houses are on the same page. I don’t pretend for a moment that attending a parenting class together won’t be hard and test your grown-upness but you do it for the kids.
It is important to realize that you can only control what happens in your house. Their house is out of your wheel house so it will only be crazing making to try and control what happens at their house.
Your job is to make your home a physically, and emotionally safe place for your kids. Provide love through empathy, predictability, consistency, solid boundaries, rituals and routine. Certainly you want to check-in with the kids to be sure they are having their basic needs met, if you suspect abuse consult a social worker to interview the children they have pretty good BS meters and no emotional investment so they can listen with objectivity something a parent generally can’t do effectively.
What happened between you and your husband is sad and the kids will be hurting as obviously you are.
The best thing you can do for the kids is keep the kids out of the triangle. Listen and love without prying to sabotage your ex’s world, doing so will eventually damage your relationship with your children.
Good luck I appreciate how hard this is for you.

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You cannot tell them how to run their household. As much as you want to control the situation you can’t. Are your children being neglected? If yes then you need to do whatever you can to make sure they are provided for and not neglected.

I hardly ever respond to these cause every situation is different. I was a stay home mom to my daughter and his daughter and son. 4/4&6 I was allowed to diseplen including spanking a butt which usually included all 3. 8 years later we had a son. 25 years later (our son was 10) we divorced. He met another woman. The rule was (I had full custody. And raised a respectful young man. But definitely ALL BOY.) If a incident happened while Dad was at work…she could sit him down. When Dad got home if harsher punishment was needed…Dad did it. I did have to reiterate this 1 time to her up close and personal. Problem solved from then on out.

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Nobody is allowed to discipline my child lol. Also I would never disciple my step kids but I would try to protect them from getting hurt, etc.

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Nope. You have no say, especially once they’re married. Get in/stay in counseling to work through this and the many feelings that will come with it. Thats the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids.

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Disciplining them I think that should be dad’s doing since he is the parent and he knows boundaries, I feel like a new partner shouldn’t have a part of disciplining the kids until the partner and the parent that they are with have been together for a decent amount of time and AFTER they sat down and discussed what’s okay and what isn’t.

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Sadly, out of your control. It’s his house and you cant control what goes on in his house. So even if you day you want her to have no part in discipline, ultimately you have no say in how they run their household so there is no way for you to enforce it. Unless she gets out of hand with it but even then its still out of your direct control

I definitely wouldn’t say it, because there’s absolutely no way you could enforce it. And she will probably want to suddenly do what you’re trying to tell her that she can’t.

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Idk what state you are in but some do have a wait to remarry law. Oklahoma, you have to wait 6 months after divorce.

In my opinion u do have a say. When my fiance and I first got together I never ever let him discipline my daughter. Being together under a year gives them no right. Granted everybody is different with their kids.

Have “first right of refusal” added to your custody agreement. That way he can’t leave them with her without your consent. Also have put that only parents can discipline. Beaware what you put on him also is on you. So you won’t be able to have a SO, parent etc watch your kids without asking him first. They also will not be able to discipline.

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You have no say over that.

How old are your kids? If they are over the age of 4 it is pretty much pointless for her to discipline in anyway.

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Honestly you have no say when they are with them! All you can do is give them love and stability at your home … I learned the hard way

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Sorry but what happens at their fathers house is his business, as long as they are being cared for, its best to leave them to it, just like he leaves you to parent the kids when with you. It’s hard as you just want the best, but you have zero control over what they do. Unless you have physical proof she is hurting them, just need to stay in your own lane im afraid.

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She needs to step up her game if she wants to be step mum and start helping. She should love them like her own. If your partner can’t pull her up then you should. It doesn’t have to be nasty co parenting if yous have some kind of communication. I know I hate when others pull my kids up the wrong way, like stop. Sit down and talk to them the right way and why they shouldn’t do it.

What’s your ex husband know your feelings and no she shouldn’t say anything she said maybe enforce what he says doesn’t sound like she has any interest with these kids at all she’ll probably find them annoying too and she better get over that if she’s marrying your ex husband their kids are part of the deal just kind of wait and see what she does you react according to what she does or let her know I had a Time what the rules are

I mean as long as she isnt beating your kids or be mentally abusive then I dont think you will be able to control what happens at their house. I would talk with your ex and making it clear she isnt to smack the kids but also make you have good communication with your kids. Thats key. Just keep talking with him and just make sure they stay safe!

I would put it in the parenting plan that nobody other than mom and dad may physically discipline the kids. Like whipping if that’s something you do. I mean getting on to the kids for not cleaning their mess or sending them to their room for something like being disrespectful shouldn’t be stopped. Because at the end of the day of the kids know they can get away with anything they are 100% gonna treat her like shit. And cheating aside, which I would want to be petty af too…you gotta move on with the rest of your life and co parent.

She wouldn’t be disciplining my kids either way. Me and their daddy. Thats it.

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It doesn’t really matter what you say regardless. You have absolutely ZERO control over what happens in his home so you may as well keep your mouth shut because nothing you say will change the fact that in their home she can discipline your kids and there is NOTHING that you can say or do about it. :woman_shrugging:

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As long as its not crazy stupid discipline then no…rules and discipline are important to have in any environment the child will be in…as long as its normal not hateful bs

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You cannot control what happens at the other parents house. The only time you can step in is if they are being abused, mistreated or neglected.

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I’m the only one allowed to physically discipline my child. That was mine and his father’s agreement: I also made it very known you touch my child and I will resort back to my upbringing and I will kill anybody that touches my child in a harmful manor I’m a momma that doesn’t fucking play that shit. However again that’s only my opinion and that worked for me.

Rules & discipline are normal, however, if taken to extremities that you know of…report it. Other than that, their house, their rules.

Those saying you can’t control anything in their home. Cause enough drama and court hearing and lawyer fees that he pays for. Men start listening. Cause the courts to demand child support pulling from both of their checks deducting their taxes. Hitting them legally will cause enough problems she’ll walk away or actually back down. It’s usually a power play especially between women.

When my husband died young our twins had just turned 8, one of the reasons ive never dated is because rightly or wrongly i didnt want another man disciplining my kids, in some ways im lonely my sons are now 23, in others it was the right thing for me, for us, xxx

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First off, for every one saying the MOTHER has No say in the father’s Girlfriend/Wife disciplining THIER children is INCORRECT! Step parents have ZERO parental Rights! NONE! They certainly DO NOT have the RIGHT to discipline ANYONE’S child but thier OWN! a Step parent CAN be arrested for physically disciplining a step child if the Biological parent presses charges. For the record, Iam a certified CPS foster/adoptive parent ,Harris County Tx.

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Its not her responsibility to attend to your kids. That’s there fathers. Period

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I wouldnt let them go over until yall discussed every single detail about how you want YOUR children to be treated as far as rules and discipline because its not healthy for the kids to have different rules in different houses that’s not good in any ways shape or form

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Bring it up in court. The court told me my spouse has no say, he isn’t the parent. My exes gf isn’t allowed at anything pertaining to our son (unless my son requests it) because of her douche bag behavior & failure to stay in her lane (yep, court ordered.) You can’t stop her from having contact. But her opinion means nothing in court.

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Girl google search step parents rights in your state ! In ga the step only has what rights the bio they are married to gives them… and that doesn’t include punishment.