Kids first. She didn’t ask to be born. Or have a problem. She needs u. He apparently don’t
1 Like
No one should have to choose between a man and her children.He is not mature enough to handle it. Needs to grow up. And not be so selfish. He doesn’t love you enough to make. A good husband and father.Children will always come first.
Sounds like your daughter is going through some trauma. Do you only have her part time? Full time? Your spouse is supposed to be your backbone. Your support system. I’m sure you’ve sat her down and had some heart to heart conversations with her? Has something happened to her that was traumatic? Sounds like something happened and she is lashing out. I really hope he can support you in this, but if he can’t, then that’s just added stress to you and that’s not fair. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Maybe try some bonding thing with your daughter. Something you can do together that will make her feel loved and special. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better soon for you. Try to stay calm with being pregnant. 
If he wants to go let him. You worry about those kiddos and you.
1 Like
Your children come first and only even before yourself of he can’t handle your children then he needs to hit the road
Have you reached out to your county’s Local Management Entity or Managed Care organization? If she is in crisis then she be assigned a case manager that will facilitate obtaining adequate services.
What’s he gonna do when his blood children have issues. Is he gonna up and leave them too. Your kids from previous marriage/relationship come with the package. Whether yall have ups and downs. If he can’t get on board he needs to get off and don’t let the door hit him what the good Lord gave him.
2 Likes
As a child whose mother chose her husband over me…. Always choose your child.
My mom married when I was 10. As a teenager him and I butted heads a lot, he’s an alcoholic. But regardless of why there were issues, you always choose your daughter.
It’s been 13 years since I last lived with my mother (I’m 31) after being booted so she could go back to him after leaving him for a year. Her and i’s relationship has never been the same. She barely knows my 9 year old. I honestly resent her a lot for choosing a man over me, when I was in her life first l. I didn’t choose to be here. Her marriage was a choice, my life was her choice. We have gone years without speaking over her decision.
If a man can’t accept a child (or children) that come with the relationship, let him go. You and your kids are a package deal. Turning your back on her will not help her in anyway. What are you going to do? Place her somewhere and continue your life with this guy you’ve been married to for 6 months? Are you trying to place her to make peace for him? Or because it’s in her best interest, and if he wasn’t in the picture would placing her somewhere even be on your mind?
1 Like
Choose your daughter… It would be his loss if he left over your kids
1 Like
Why is that a question? She is your child. You ALWAYS choose your children. No exceptions.
2 Likes
Your kids come first ALWAYS!
You choose your children. Your husband came in knowing he would be taking on this responsibility as well. If he backs out, that’s on him, you can’t abandon your children. She needs her mother more than anything right now, aside from what she is going through right now, everything at that age is already hard enough on them. She needs to feel loved and supported, she needs the guidance from an adult, especially from someone she trusts, you.
You don’t give up on your kids.
Kick his ass to the damn curb! Your kids ALWAYS come first!!!
He knew the situation before you got married. You need support not more conflict.
My daughter is handicapped and bedridden and I would not choose anyone over her her dad is very helpful to me now but there was a time we were not together car long time
He knew about your daughter when u got together so he choose to be a part if your mifes now it hard he wants to run away let him go u better off without him
Your daughter is already struggling. Imagine her struggle if she suspected your problems revolved around her. Tell your husband how it is and let him make his choice. Stand strong mama! No doubt it’s all wearing on you but you’ve got this
1 Like
No man is more important than your child. If theres an ultimatum between him and her it should always be her.
3 Likes
Always choose your kids
You shouldn’t even need to ask this.
Your child should ALWAYS be your priority
4 Likes
You choose your daughter, always. Your husband shouldn’t even be in question when it comes between him or your child. No man should ever come before your own child, husband or not.
1 Like
Ummm your child? Wtf
1 Like
Loving you means loving everything about you. Your children are part of you. Imagine how much easier this would be if you didn’t feel like you had to choose. If your husband was more understanding. More supportive. No. I don’t know him but by reading this post I can tell he isn’t. She’s a child. She’s your child. You only get one chance to raise your children. There will be other men. Do what’s best for your child.
1 Like
I didn’t even read this past the first sentence, do I really have to? Or are you supposed to ALWAYS PICK YOUR CHILDREN?
No matter what this said, and again I didn’t and don’t need to read it, any man who isn’t supporting you in being a GOOD MOM to ALL YOUR KIDS even the challenging ones- ain’t no man I’d want legally, long term or AT ALL.
2 Likes
If you do choose your kids every time
Your child tf type of question is this?
2 Likes
The fact that he wouldn’t work on this with you to get her better says enough. When you decide to marry a woman who has children you become a parent to them children and if you don’t care enough to take care of them when it’s as bad as it is and gives you an ultimatum to choose between you’re struggling child or your husband who clearly is it holding up his end of the bargain, pick your child. He’s going to lose a lot more than you.
What! Are you kidding me! Would you actually choose your husband over your daughter? Omg, if you do… you need help! This question just pissed me off. I cant believe moms out there would really question choosing there husband over there kids! 
Why is this even a question!!!A mother should always pick there child over any man… period!!!
2 Likes
That shouldn’t be a question. You choose your daughter. You choose your kids every time. If your husband can’t “handle” caring for his family then he should leave because he’ll just make it harder on everyone else. Your child needs you.
2 Likes
This shouldn’t even be a question. Your daughter NEEDS you. Your husband does not.
3 Likes
Why are these even questions?? Seriously? This is so sad. Smh.
You let him leave and go on his way. He can’t handle the situation, and quite honestly, you’ll be able to handle it better with him out of the picture. One less person to worry about. Sorry you are going through this, and sorry he turned out to be a douche.
Que Sera Sera apparently he is to a point. But mothers with children that have special needs, need that extra support. Almost called off the wedding? Is saying he can’t handle the stress of a special needs child. They’ve known each other how long? He’s been around for 5 years of her life and has 1 with the mother and another on the way. The question here isn’t do I have to choose between my daughter and my husband. The question should be what do my husband and I need to do to help OUR daughter. He’s been her father figure since SHE was NINE. SMDH…
Uh, I’m shocked this is even a question. He needs to go. Kids come before spouses, always!!
Choose ??? Your child comes first
1 Like
Your child first!!!
Is that really a question???
2 Likes
This shouldn’t even be a freaking question. I don’t know what’s wrong with all you whacked out women who’s sending these stupid messages about how you can’t decide if you should pick between your flesh and blood and your husband. It’s very freaking obvious. But the fact that you and every other woman has to sit here and question that makes me wonder how you really are as a mother…
Please please please dont place your child somewhere to live other then with you 
and as a mother your question absolutely blows my mind??? Did i read that right??? You actually asked if you had to choose between your daughter or your husband 
any man that is worthy of your love and worthy enough to love you also loves your child 
if they dont then they gotta go period! Too many women out here choosing men over their kiddos trust me i was that child and my mom chose men it messes you up mentally as a kid please dont put your daughter through that she is at a very vulnerable age and NEEDS YOU!!!
2 Likes
It’s bs you’d have to choose but if that’s the choice ur presented, CHOOSE THE CHILD. Ur supposed to be her backbone through thick and thin. U can find another man, one that will not give up on u and ur children.
How is this even a question. Your daughter comes before ANY MAN. And he’s a pos for making any of it about him at all. I pray for your daughter and her well being, and mental health. And I pray you get a reality check, and wake up.
1 Like
Talk to your pastor before deciding this. People on here wouldn’t be able to decide if it was them in your shoes. Easy to make judgement behind a screen. Y’all just need a balance. Talk to preacher or pastor.
2 Likes
She is your daughter. You should be with her.
Always pick your children! If he loves you he’ll deal with whatever you are going through.
2 Likes
tell him to hit the damn road!
1 Like
Wow mother of the year folks just another waist of space that wants to give up there own flesh and blood for a waist of space man you do not deserve to have kids and I pray to god they ALL get taken away from u
2 Likes
Please tell me you’re joking.
1 Like
Never choose a man over your child. What is wrong with you? I would have packed his bags and thrown him out by now.
Actually, you know what? Choose him and give custody of your children to someone who will love and put them first.
3 Likes
Get rid of the husband! Never ever choose between a man and your kids no matter who they are!!
4 Likes
Oh wow!!! I would be seriously rethinking being with him.
2 Likes
Never put ANYONE over your children. This includes husbands/fathers. I could not live comfortably with that on my conscience, idc how amazing the person in question may be. Your child needs you and did not ask to be here. The least you could do is raise them yourself without giving up on them when things get tough.
3 Likes
Is this a Real question you pick your daughter WTH. It’s obvious she needs you!! She is 14 and you want to give up on her🤦 Please stop having kids.The hell with him.
4 Likes
This can’t be a serious post!!! YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST!!!
2 Likes
How can that be a question ? your first priority is your child /children 5hey should always come 1st!!
4 Likes
Fuck that dude you married SIX MONTHS AGO…ugh what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Okay reading through these comments made me a little upset she came here for help not judgement we don’t know the full situation her daughter could be a harm to herself or the younger children so don’t make her feel bad for placing her in a facility I imagine that you love your daughter I don’t judge you for doing that if it’s for her safety and others . But on the other subject I feel if I was in the husbands place there would not be a problem there if he loves you and your children then he would stay and help no matter what if you want your daughter home so if he wants to go let him go then .
13 Likes
The fact u have to ask that question
Let him leave. I sure as hell wouldnt want to stay with a man who has already given up
1 Like
Maybe your husband can take a mental health break and live elsewhere with family, friends, or by himself to get himself back together. Then he can come back refreshed in a day, week, month or however long it takes. It would be as if he were away on a long business trip or away on a military deployment. Or he could move out and connect with all of you periodically and one-on-one vs. the strain of the everyday and all the kids at the same time. Some couples live apart and have very happy marriages.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and maybe he needs some time to regroup. At least he’s talking and being honest with you. No one knows how hard it is until they are in the middle of it, and clearly he is understandably overwhelmed. If he’s the primary wage earner there’s also the constant worry of taking on a bigger than expected financial burden, potentially for life with your eldest.
That sucks for you to be apart from your husband, but maybe he can come back renewed and help again, and maybe you can reconnect as a couple too. It’s super hard, especially when you’re pregnant. Four kids is a lot to handle, teenagers are a lot to handle, and you have two of them! Add to that the severe challenges of the older one putting stress on the entire family and the fact that it’s so relentless. Plus now your hormones are wack and you have all the other problems of pregnancy and it’s all just piling on.
I’d like to suggest not having more children as your plate will be full dealing with your daughter, likely the rest of your life, so look into very reliable birth control or a more permanent choice, like getting your tubes tied when you have your baby. Please don’t take offense. I’m awed by anyone who is parenting more than two kids at once!
I applaud you for getting help for her on several fronts, and it’s wonderful you’re all in family therapy too. I’m sure that took research and tenacity.
How is your 4-year old doing under all this stress? Where is the older kids’ bio dad and the grandparents, aunts and uncles on his side in all this? Or is the bio dad or other members of his family part of the reason your daughter is the way she is? Was she born this way or did life circumstances/trauma contribute to her mental illness/es?
Is there some sort of respite care available or does that involve committing her to inpatient care, with no beds available? Do y’all have family and friends who can help in any way, even if it’s just helping with cleaning and cooking or getting the kids from school or to activities?
It would be wonderful if others could take your 4 year old and the younger teen on an adventure (separately or together) and let them escape the stress of dealing with your troubled daughter for a while. You should encourage them to have play dates also so they get breaks from the stress in your home (with COVID and other safety precautions at other people’s homes of course).
I’m sure you’re working with your eldest’s school teachers and counselor, and at least if she is in school she may have some supportive friends and adults while you get a break during school hours. Do all your kids go to the same schools? Are they protected from bullying?
I also hope you’re able to connect with support groups for those in similar circumstances. This is so difficult for everyone and if you are in the U.S. you have miraculously gotten our unwieldy, expensive and often unresponsive health care system to work for you. Brava! Maybe not perfectly, but any win is often quite a slog.
Not sure how to find time for you in all of this, but it’s important. During his hiatus your husband could carve out time for each of the children individually so he can stay connected in small doses, like trips to the playground or kids entertainment with the 4-year old, an amusement park or laser tag or hiking or a museum for the younger teen, and maybe a trip to a beach if one is near for the oldest. This might involve you as she may be a two person job, while the younger ones spend time with friends or relatives. You can go at any time of year to watch and listen to the waves, look for shells, take long walks, and go shopping . Or he could take her to an indoor swimming pool or whatever would be a calming or fun place for her.
You could do meditation, yoga, Tai chi or other martial arts as a family to help everyone be more zen. I love Tai Chi Ch’ih: Joy Through Movement, available on You Tube. It’s easy enough for anyone to do and remember, and it helps mind, body and spirit in about 20-30 minutes a day.
Would your daughter benefit from an emotional support animal? Or how about a loving, playful or calm dog to provide unconditional love to the whole family and a distraction from difficulties? Is there horse therapy available in your area for your daughter? Sometimes that works when nothing else does.
Do you have a spiritual home? I find the Unitarian church is friendly to non-traditional kids and their families, but sometimes a religion that’s the right fit can provide support and solace for everyone in the family. You don’t all even have to go to the same church, though that makes life easier, as long as there’s an adult with each child. You can even explore different religious institutions and faiths as a family to find one that suits you and your value system.
3 Likes
Y’all I don’t think she’s asking who to choose, she asked for advice, I’m sure she’s asking about what to try with her daughter.
3 Likes
That is your child! Why would you even question which one! Kick his ass to the curb if he isn’t there to support you and your daughter.
Rethink being with him.
1 Like
Never ever pIck a man above your child… NEVER
5 Likes
Maybe you should ask your self, what kind of man would walk away from you with his 4 year old and one on the way? He knew what was going on when he married you… So he walks away and now not only do you have to go through the stress of divorce, but now a family of 4 children to deal with. One question why would you get pregnant knowing what you are dealing with??
Always choose your daughter and I’d take her to different doctors- if it’s not being resolved and she’s on meds it could be a mis diagnosis and she’s being medicated for the wrong things … it happens alll the time
My sister is mentally ill , I have gone years dealing with her manic episodes on the wrong meds … it’s frustrating and sad but it happens …
I’d look into that first -
Meanwhile if a man is willing to give up on you and your children he’s not a man and doesn’t deserve to be there - and you need to get your self worth and never depend on love from a man
Always stick by your children
That could mess her up worse actually it really will …
And you will regret it
Good luck
3 Likes
Daughter 
how is this a question ???
3 Likes
Girl pick your child! I dont even have to read your post to know what your problem is. Your question on who to pick was enough. PICK YOUR DAMM KID!
2 Likes
Um kids always first. I’ve been with my husband 13 yrs 10 married and they come before him and they come before me.
My aunt and her new husband were having issues with her oldest daughter rebellious and a bunch of attitude so she sent her daughter to go live with her real father . My aunt and the daughter have a great relationship now
2 Likes
Girl if you have to wonder if you have to choose then you have more problems than the daughter. He can go your daughter needs you.
5 Likes
No matter what the issues or circumstances… My mom always told us that she never ever chose a man over her children. I have a son myself today, he is 13years old. I had him when i was 20years old and till this day i will never choose a man over my child. No matter how much i love him. If he isn’t prepared to go through this with your daughter then he most certainly doesnt deserve to be by your side when you at your best. She will grow older and things will get better. So if he isnt prepared to wait and help you through the tough times then dump the useless piece of shit, he is not worthy of your love and support. And don’t be afraid to be alone. You will find the right man at the right time. Even if it takes a few days or a few years… I believe God will send the right man your way when the time is right. Good luck mommy:woman_superhero:t2: we must not need them… We simply must want them. 
You got this .
You state you are in therapy, it sounds like you need to find a different therapist because the one you have is not working. As far as having to make a choice between your daughter and your husband, there is no choice children first.
2 Likes
Wow this has to be a bait post, if not that poor child
1 Like
You choose your daughter. Period. He doesn’t want to be a family anymore. He’s made his choice. If he wants to go…. Bye
3 Likes
I know your in a tough situation right now and your doing everything you can for your daughter. But what man puts you in this situation when you’re clearly doing your best.
Always pick your child because all they have is you. It seems like he is only thinking of himself and his needs and how he feels.
What about you though, pregnant and with a 4 year old, and 2 teenagers. He’s not strong enough to be with a woman as strong as you are.
You carry on being the amazingly strong woman you are and let him leave.
You will find someone one day who deserves you but right now just focus on helping your daughter through this hard time in her life x
2 Likes
A man that chooses to be an option instead of a solution shouldn’t be in your life period. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve know him for your children are a priority over anyone.
2 Likes
My children always come first in my eyes.
Why tf are you asking this? Is it really a decision to make? You SERIOUSLY have to think about it???
Placement being discussed frequently is what’s wrong with your kid. How awful of you to give up on your flesh and blood. That poor child.
1 Like
Ask urself what if it was both of ur biological daughter wud he walk away??
1 Like
If you even have to ask this, you’re a terrible parent. Obviously you choose your daughter over that piece of shit🤦🏻♀️
Your children should always come 1st, but you need to look into options for that child as she is troubled. Look into placing her in a facility for troubled kids. Especially if she’s a danger to herself or others.
I beg your pardon?.. Is this that TikTok/Social Media trend where mom’s post outrageous things to mom groups/pages to get reactions from other moms?.. If NOT 
you need to DUMP his a$$ that is NOT a supportive partner and if you choose him please do not come posting back on here in a YEAR crying about how he left you. You NEVER choose a man over your child/ren if your oldest is 14 you are old enough to know this by now.
If you really have to ask this question, there’s something wrong. Never choose a man or anyone else for that matter over your kids!!! Children should always come first no matter what! Your daughter needs you guys more than ever right now and if he can’t handle thr stress than maybe he’s not the one for you! Anyways, I hope things with your daughter gets better 
stay strong mama! You got this!!!
2 Likes
People make this man the bad guy! Choosing your daughter is the right thing to do. All i am saying is this, don’t look at him as being bad, he has told you he can’t take the stress. Do what is right by both. Love him but keep your daughter!
1 Like
I don’t know but when my parents split I was 16 and I was a very troubled child and my stepdad never said anything like that about me
1 Like
Your daughter… I believe he should be as supportive as he can be, but also understand that he is expressing his feelings towards it all. I’m not sure the situation truthfully if he has been there for your girls and they consider him a father figure, I’m assuming they have accepted him since you have two kids with him. Parents should never just walk out on their kids, doesn’t matter if they’re blood or not. I understand the problems and he needs to understand that this is your daughter, your daughters needs will come before his as long as she is under your care. You’re child should never be put up in question like this in my opinion… She isn’t 18. Even if she was, I would always be there for my daughters and son. Always. That is my duties as a Mother.
I do agree with other commenters and he did the right thing by expressing to you his feelings instead of just up and walking out without expressing how he feels.
I’m so sorry about your situation - sounds awful
Is this really a question 
if I was your child and you were questioning on choosing me or a man I’d pumped u the finger and walk away from you.
3 Likes
The real question is why is he making you feel like you have to choose between the two. The situation he’s putting you in makes you feel conflicted inside which takes a huge toll on your emotions and well being. - a better man would make it his life’s work to make the life you have together easier and better. Sounds like your husband is more of a crisis than your daughter.
3 Likes
Anyone that wonders if they should choose between their child or someone else… should not be a parent.
4 Likes
you focus on your kid, your husband is selfish yes i could only imagine what you family is going through right now but what about you! what about the stress you are going through? how about put his cant be bothered attitude away and stand next to you holding your hand instead of wanting to run away because life at the moment is hard! goodluck to you i hope you have support from someone else. x
3 Likes
Wow, cant believe that you are even asking this.
1 Like
Take care of your daughter, I promise she needs you more than he does. Don’t let the fear of being alone dominate how you care for your child. Love comes and goes, but you brought her in this world and you should do what you can to assist her through life. She didnt ask to be put on earth, you brought her into existence and she is having a hard time existing in this life… my mother kept choosing her boyfriends over her kids and now my oldest brother is dead, and my other older brother is a suffering addict, and I suffer mental disorders that were created through her neglect and allowing horrible things to happen to me growing up, and she kept choosing her boyfriends…
Don’t be THAT mom.
I don’t say any of this with malice, but in hopes you can be there for her and choose your kid over someone who is less than understanding and makes it a point to make you choose him or the child… that is no man, that is a coward who can’t handle a child needing care.
2 Likes
ALWAYS choose your child. My mom did/has not. She now has 3 adult children she doesn’t speak to and FIVE grandchildren whose lives she isn’t involved in. All because she chose her “husband” over her family. Never turn your back on your kids for a “man”. A real man would NEVER make you do that!
5 Likes
Let him walk away then… he obviously isn’t committed to the family.
2 Likes
For better or for worst , think this is all that needs to be said.
2 Likes
Your children should always come first. That means every single one of your children. I cant believe what I’m reading here.
Would you be willing to think this way about any of your other children? I know she is older but she’s still your child. Personally, I feel this is a typical man who gives up when it’s hard. You all have children together and a family, shouldn’t be that easy for him to walk away. The bottom line is I know your just looking for advice but my thoughts are that he knew going into it the situation what he was choosing and I can’t understand men why they think they can just “out” when it gets tough. Your daughter needs you more than your husband especially if he’s looking to get out. You don’t choose between children or husband. He choose you but your children didn’t, They don’t have a choice.
1 Like
Are you seriously asking this question? 
The child there’s no choice
1 Like