Do I stay or go?

It you don’t have TRUST you don’t have a marriage. It’s not healthy for the kids hearing you both argue over his drinking problem either. He isn’t going to change because he doesn’t want to he knows you will put up with it because you have for years. Actions speak louder than words as hard as it is. LEAVE

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The thing is if you really want to be with him, then you can’t keep throwing it in his face everytime. Yes it hurts, yes its going to hurt, but its opening wounds every time. If he wants to earn your trust again then he’s going to have to prove that to you and show you ways. Its going to take BOTH of you to make it work, if that’s what both want. It can’t be just one doing all the work. He also needs to understand that its not easy to snap fingers and forget of being cheated on either.

He cheated. You didn’t. He sounds like a narcissistic addict and you need to get yourself and your kids out of this toxic situation.

He made a choice to step out of the marriage and when he realized the grass wasn’t greener, he came crawling back but expects YOU to apologize for doing exactly what he told you to do? He told you it was over, he told you to move one. So you did what you did based on that. HE consciously chose to enter into a relationship with another woman. You didn’t choose that. He did.

If he’s not going to take any accountability for his actions and keep trying to blame you, the breach HE created will never heal. He needs to get clean, and get HIS life together. And you and your kids deserve better than this.

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Keep moving forward , u already filed for divorce, he already left for someone else, keep moving forward he made his bed now let him lie in it and set urself free from what very much sounds like a narcissistic asshole

Leave him now. They obviously didn’t last because she saw his true colours!
Please for your own mental state and your children’s- go find your happiness

Lady, leave that BULLSHIT DUDE alone in his misery and go on with your own life.

That is a narcissist in its purest form! It is not going to get better. Because he doesn’t see anything wrong because it’s always your fault. Even if he did it it’s your fault. You are going to drown if you do not see your way out of it. I’ve been there it was hard as f*** to leave. But that’s the only way you’re going to be able to be happy. He is going to pull all kinds of crap he is going to try and make you feel that he’s going to die or something if you leave. Or that you’re not going to be able to make it on your own. This is all a load of s***. It’s not an adult he’s a grown child and you’re taking care of him stop!

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I would try counseling. If you can’t get past the cheating, then you won’t be able to move forward. I personally wouldn’t be able to forgive a cheater, I would always have that thought in the back of my mind. With that being said, if you can’t forgive and move forward, then maybe it’s time to separate.

They do it once, they do it again. Sounds like you’ve been in a covert abusive relationship, get some therapy and everything will become clear. But me, he’d be out on his ass without a backward glance. You and your kids deserve better

Can you get passed this? Like 100 can you? If you hesitate to say yes then leave IMO

You will never get over it, you need to make the healthy decision for the rest of what life you have and for your kids to move on and be happy.

Only YOU can make a decision here, and from what you posted you HAVE. Don’t stay for the children, they’ll grow to despise both of you. Because believe it or not, they feel the tension. He left you. You should have filed that divorce and not looked back.

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Move on. How toxic can’t live like that. The kids deserve better

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You need to put your kids first!

Leave. It will never change or get better.

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He’s with YOU because you are the only one who will tolerate his bullshit.
I know that may sound harsh but it’s true.
He will continue to cycle back to you because you allow it.

Love yourself more, and get yourself right and healthy and send his pathetic ass packing!

LEAVE! choose yourself and your children!! x choose happy choose freedom choose to truly look at everything without those rose coloured glasses on and say enough is enough. I deserve better, we deserve better. Love yourself and be kind to yourself your kids need a happy mum and living in a home with a facade is not that! they’d rather split the holidays and care if it means two happy parents vs one severely depressed. PLEASE LEAVE!

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Sounds toxic, you need marriage counciling to work on forgiving and not throwing everything in each other’s faces… Or move on.

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Nope. Never go backwards in life. It will always enter in every argument from here on in.

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It’s time to say goodbye. He cheated and had a full on affair with the I love you’s etc., and actually left you for her, you just slept with someone after he told you to move on. He shows no respect or remorse for you or your children and thinks and expects things to be back to normal, that DOES NOT happen, it takes a lot of working through. He just wants to forget it ever happened, it can’t be done. I’m sorry girl but he needs to go. For yours and your children emotional and psychological well being.

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Get him gone done once he will do it again

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There is too much wrong to fix

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Nope should never take back

He has to understand that you don’t just get over and it takes more than a month . You really don’t ever get over it.Why would you want to be with a man that is inconsiderate of your feelings?? You taking him back gave him permission to do it in the future also. If he really wanted the marriage to work he wouldn’t go back to his old ways.

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Go and don’t look back … the honey moon period is over I call it when they be all nice and then all of sudden they become evil

I tried the same thing. Never did get over it. All I lost was my youth and ended up divorced anyway. Just a lot of bitterness as time went on. You deserve better!

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DON’T SETTLE.
Life is too flipping short to not live your life to the fullest.

Counseling OR leave and move on like he said. Don’t let your kids think any of these issues are “normal” and expected in relationships. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect - but TOXIC is a whole other beast. Walk away from all that with your head held high.

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Let him go. All the tension and fighting as well as a sad mum is having a lasting effect on your kids. They should not have to deal with that

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Move on girl!! You deserve better. Bye bye bye!!!

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Ewww I couldn’t even make it through everything you wrote without feeling anxiety about my past.
He is a narcissist and will never change.
If he cheated on you openly and you let him back in, you are telling him it’s ok to treat you that way. Which it isn’t. Best thing I did was leave… because it’s never going to change. Prayers and positive vibes your way :raised_hands:t3:

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Yes, you should move on. You will never feel like his number one, and resentment will build. Enjoy your life with friends and family, and someone special will find you in time if you want that type of relationship again.

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He’s a gaslighting narcissist. File for divorce.

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You ant gone yet
Honey Wake up he’s using you

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Leave and don’t look back. Get counsiling for you and your children ASAP

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You already know the answer

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I stayed with my husband for 22 yrs of the same shit. I always thought I didn’t want my children to grow up without a family. I now know I should of never stayed the lies the cheating the drinking. I never forgave him for any of it I just lived there I was not happy. I actually hated him for everything he ever did to me. Now I know I did nothing for my children from staying with him until they were older and when I left they were not happy. I hid so much from them. One of the worst things is I could never forgive him no matter how hard I tried.

Divorce. Make him pay alimony and child support

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Move on , set urself free frm the drama.

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If your daughter was telling you this story, what would your advice be to her?

Unless y’all enroll in couples therapy, this will be a never ending fight. You need to be able to wholeheartedly forgive him and he needs to be truly sorry and want to do better. Otherwise this will continue to be an issue.

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We xan never get time back. If he cannot be accountable for the choices he’s made and gets upset when you talk about it, that’s a big problem. Possibly counseling, but if you are trying and feel like you are unable to get over it you maybe wasting your time. If he flips it on you sleeping with someone after he left, he is not being accountable for his actions and possibly may never. He though may one day change and realize what he is doing, but whatever you choose you deserve peace and happiness. Sounds like you’re trying to make it work by taking him back.

Aqua Tofana for sure but first get life insurance for him :blush:

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Well made after he cheats again with his drunk pathetic ass you’ll wise up and it sure isn’t healthy for your 4 children living w a drunken fool

Your marriage is worth saving BUT a good marriage counselor is the only thing that will get you through …

If you truly forgive him and want to make it work, you can’t keep bringing it up. Makes me think you don’t want it to work at all. You guys should separate, it will never work if you keep bringing up the past.

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Didn’t complete the 1st paragraph… But Love yourself enough and move along.

Run girl run. Very rarely does it ever get better

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So do exactly as he says… Move the f*ck on. He’s obviously a piece of :poop: and you definitely don’t deserve it. Keep taking him back and he’s gonna keep cheating cuz he knows he has a place with you. Good luck in whatever decision you make BUT know YOU’RE WORTH BETTER

Hes a narcissist honey and he will just do it again. Hes sounds emotionally abusive too. Find someone that appreciates you girl

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Trust Me … Leave Now!

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Get rid of him. Once a cheater always a cheater

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Get out.really toxic situation

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I say leave. You deserve way better. As do your children. Your kids deserve a happy mommy. And they deserve to see a mommy who is loved and treated correctly and not cheated on. They need to see how a woman is supposed to be treated. Set an example.

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It sounds like you know you don’t want to be with him. Often times when we are in toxic situations we absolutely hate being in the situation. Than why does it make walking away hurt so bad? It’s because we’re afraid of the what could have been and not what is. I’m assuming there was a time in your marriage that things were great and your holding on to want for it to be that way again…if I just stay a little longer it’ll get better. But you have to be honest with yourself and admit it’s never going to get better - if it was going to it would have by now. It’s ok to be sad and hurt by the loss of the “could have been”. However in time a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulder when you no longer have to worry about IF it will get better because slowly it WILL get better. You have nothing to feel bad about. He though the grass was gonna be greener on the other side and when he realized it wasn’t he just hopped back over the fence and expected to fall right back in place. He broke you guys not you. The best revenge you will ever get is to move on be happy without him.

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Trust can be rebuilt - if he says he’s willing to do anything then I’d make him stop drinking all together as the 1st step. If he’s unwilling to do that, he will not be willing to do any other work that it will take to rebuild that trust that he destroyed. If that’s the case I’d move on.

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I didn’t make it past your second sentence. GO.

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You already know the answer love we can’t tell you what to do that has to come from you and if you’re questioning it then you know what you need to do follow your heart :heart::heart:

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Get riddd of him,you can not reason with him so whats the use. Abuse is bor ing. Been there.

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You’ll never be able to forgive or trust again… move on :mending_heart:

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The first time someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE them.

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An apology without change is manipulation

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Leave. It’ll always be your fault that he did what he did. He treated you-his wife and mother of his children- like shit while he was with HER. He showed no remorse for what he was doing. You and your children should always be his top priority no matter who or what he’s doing. She probably kicked his ass to the curb is why he came whining back. Get out of this cycle before it destroys you and your children. Run, forest, run! Im speaking from experience. God bless you whatever you decide!

You are so much better than this. You just forgot for a moment. :sparkling_heart:

Get rid of him,i was in the same position with my 1st husband, my kids dad,he did the exactly the same thing,and i took him back for the kids sake,it lasted 2 weeks,i couldn’t bare to be near him,there was no trust at all, everytime we argued i lost a bit more of the love i had for him,so i finally told him to leave, upshot, i was extremly relieved and happy for the 1st time jn a very long time,i started to rebuild my life for me and my kids,it was much easier without him there and the kids were alot happier.kids are resilient they will bounce back,i even remarried and he treated me exactly the opposite to my ex… so get rid of him now before he grinds you down further,he will never change and will continue to treat you as he does cos ur allowing him to get away with it, your so much better than that…xx

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I got about a quarter of the way through and I already hate him. Babygirl u deserve so much more and your kids don’t need that shit in their lives …RUN BABYGIRL RUNNNNN

Leave. He’s disgusting and will always be that way

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Dont walk, run. You have wasted too much time with this person already. Move on girl.

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Usually, if they do it once, they will do it multiple times. There is nothing worse than keeping your children in a loveless, unstable marriage. Ask yourself this, is he a liability or an asset to you. What does he actually contribute to the family.

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Get rid now , he is a narcissist and wont change , save yourself now!!!

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Leave him It will never work

You are not parenting, even though you don’t notice and they won’t say it, you are torturing your kids w the unhappiness and fighting

Like he said move on

Remember you and your husband are an example to your kids on how to treat their spouses when they get older. You don’t want someone treating your kids that way either. Stay strong

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You need to walk away from him, he will never change and it does not benefit your kids being brought up within a relationship between warring parents

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Leave him it’s time to move on.You and your kids deserve so much better.

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Can’t change the stripes on the zebra… RUN as fast as you can… life is too short… he has no love for you… good luck…

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I know it is not what you want to hear and it hurts so much but you need to send him packing. You do NOT see your value. And he is showing signs of narcissism. If you do not stand up, he will smash you into a thousand pieces.
Be strong :muscle: before it is too late.

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:face_vomiting: run away and never look back. Men are so freaking audacious it blows my mind.

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Move on once a cheat always a cheat he gave you and the kids up for another women

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He came back so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Kick him to the curb.

Trust has been broken. Hes an alcoholic and a narcissist you and your children deserve happiness and stability and love in your home. What you allow in front of your kids is what type of life they will live as adults. If you dont have the strength to walk away ( and not look back) for yourself,at least do it for the kids. Unless hes willing to get counseling and go toAA i wouldnt even consider getting back together. He needs to grow up .his mama did a crappy job raising him.

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The trust has gone I would walk away your kids will be better off too much tension in the family home and probably won’t change he need to change for himself and if you keep hoping you will be in for a long wait he can only do it when he hits rock bottom think of the kids being in that kind of environment isn’t healthy you need to be strong walk away for you and your kids sake it won’t get better id say once that trust is broken it’s very hard to get back you will always be wondering and that’s no way to live

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Your friend ?? Pack his bags or yours and the kids and one or the other needs to be gone. You’re holding on to just something you’re used to when you know deep down that’s not what you deserve. Are you willing to keep showing your kids how to live a horrible life are you going to stand up for yourself and your children and show them that they can have a better life. What a shame you took him back after that after it was with your friend. You will never get over that so pack and leave and never look back and move forward. He’s a boy not a man. You got an easy choice live miserably for the rest of your life with a boy. Live a happy life with your children and with no toxicity and showing them with real family is about even if they do not have their father at the house of wherever you will live. It is a simple choice you’re just dragging it out for no good reason.

Definitely leave. This is chaotic and toxic for your children.

Please get some counseling and financial advise, being alone is tough but, being with this man seems tougher good luck

You say you are comfortable? What is comfortable about your entire mess of a marriage?

He talks horrible to you.

He drinks too much.

Gaslights you.

You are always on edge wondering what he is doing.

Sounds pretty uncomfortable to me.

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Leave, I don’t even have to finish your story, leave him.

Divorce and get a lawyer who will help you get everything that you deserve. Every state is different about division so know what your laws are.

I am going to give you a honest answer. My first answer won’t be to leave him because you said you want to make your family work. Where there is infidelity involved the first thing people say is to leave. And I think you guys need marriage counseling. If you really want to make it work and “he does too” then go for it! Just know this though… it can’t just be only YOU who wants to make it work…he has to want to put the same effort as well. And if that’s the case I can see you guys having a chance at making your marriage work. I only suggest divorce if you are the only one who wants to make this marriage work and not him. Then I will tell you to leave and that it’s not worth it anymore.

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You have to do what your heart is telling you. You have to be happy for yourself so that your babies see you happy. Sometimes marriages can and will work after cheating but it takes ALOT of work. If he isn’t willing to and neither are you then you know exactly what to do

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Run as fast as you can…the opposite direction from where he is. If you are not happy why bother? Happiness is what people want.

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Let me just say this you belief trust and ability to trust him is out the window you and your children need to take a break so you can sort out what you need then what the children need
Then if you feel you can hit the demon square on the jaw then go back
Or get a divorce it will never be as it was it will at best a shadow of what you had is he worth It??only you know

Been there done that. Once it’s ruined it’s ruined. Dump his cheating drunk ass n live a good life without him. I wasted the best years of my life on such a person. So totally not worth it.

I would suggest to go to counseling immediately. Then you ask yourself the same question! Always good to get an objective view on things when you are to enmeshed to see reality clearly. :thinking: But frankly it sounds like a destructive relationship. And that’s not what you want to teach your kids to have. :thinking:

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Run. Manipulation, gaslighting, abuse…it’s a cycle and it will never end

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Move on. He is not worth it

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I agree with Rosiee Gonzo. But at same time, you need to heal. And, as a counselor once told me, “That isn’t going to happen when you are in same household.” There is a fine crossover line between love and hate and because he broke that love-line, you WILL slip back and forth between the two. And you will continue to hurt. He broke that trust as well and you will forever question his fidelity. When you took him back, your heart and mind “craved” the essence of what he USED to be. But reality is, as we all know, that his choice to abandon you has scarred you. In order to heal quickly, you need to separate from him-temporarily or permanently is a decision only you can make. In order to heal while he is with you, you have to make a commitment to let the past go—seek counseling for yourself only first. You can’t continue to rehash your pain, it’s like picking at the scab on a wound for him. He won’t ever discuss the events again, he has the mindset: he had his tryst, he got you back & a home to live in…check off on list, all good, back to my life. But you can’t really tell what he’s thinking. And only he can change HIMself when HE is ready. So, look inside you. What can YOU change about YOU. Do you want to heal or keep this hanging over you for the rest of your life together? I wish you all the best.

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Despite how long you’ve been together, if the relationship is unhealthy, you are teaching your kids what they should expect from a partner by staying together. It’s okay to not want to be with him anymore and it’s okay to expect more from someone who you are married to.

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You and your kiddos deserve better.

Leave him. He sounds like an alcoholic that’s narcissistic and outside of just the cheating and fighting what you don’t want is for the potential of abuse to start happening to you when he gets angry. My ex was the same way he used to butter me up two really good for a month and then slip right back into his old ways as long as he continues to not have to pay for his actions and you keep taking him back how is he supposed to learn from his lessons? You need to not only do it’s best for you because you deserve better but you need to set a good example for your daughters and how they should be treated by a man and right now if they’ve seen what he’s done to you and that you’re taking him back you’re just setting that example that it’s OK for a man to do the same for him it is not important to stay together for the children it can be more toxic staying in a relationship than leaving it so my suggestion would be run as fast as you can and let him continue to live whatever miserable life he wants to live

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