Sounds like you as a mother should leave with the kid at 8 that’s your responsibility I’m sure you can handle it and let him stay
Drive separately and leave when you want. I’m sure everyone will understand and it’s christmas…once a year it’s nice to visit with family.
I don’t think you are being selfish at all!
Children with autism need their routine or it could be very upsetting for them( I have 3 boys with autism) and my five year old gets very distressed if his routine is disrupted.
4 hours is plenty of time for all of you to socialise, I would say your husband is the one being selfish… especially as he knows your sons needs. Best of luck and happy Christmas 
X
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I agree child comes first and good luck to him socialising with a cranky tired 2.5 year old.
It’s not worth the tears, upset and craziness but he will learn when hes trying to talk bs and your son is acting up 
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It’s a special occasion. It’s not like it’s his work mates, it’s family. I’d make an exception for Christmas
My folks would put me in another room to sleep, carry me to the car & carry me up to bed. It’ll be OK. Kids are adaptable. I’d be more worried about COVID exposure.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life, its a hard adjustment for a couple. If your husband is feeling isolated and needs more social time with his family maybe you could arrange to go back home with your son and let your husband hangout with his brother a while longer?
My boys are 4 and 5 now. We have always had a good routine but on special occasions we do stay later. I just let them have a nap in the car on the way to make up for it. Or when they were younger I would put them in the stroller to sleep if they were tired. I always bring pjs with me so they can go straight into bed when we get home
I just say ok you dont have to, but we are. So you can either bring us home and go back or find a ride home later. And leave it at that
I vote stay at the party ! Your child will survive and your husband will be happy 
Win win
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It might not be a popular opinion but you could just not go and keep the kids that need their routine home. Might be safer anyway because of covid. Personally I don’t stay at family things more than 2 hours so from my perspective 4 hours is more than generous Also, if I’m not in a position to leave when I’m ready or overwhelmed I simply don’t go. My family has adapted to seeing me and my kid days before and after all the holiday excitement has died down. My dad and sisters get over stimulated easy as do most of our kids. I feel, and typically follow through, that young kids and ones with autism(or challenges associated with autism) should be taken care of first when it comes to how long I stay at a family gathering. If we go at all.
Children need their routines, especially a special needs child.
I’d leave early, but I also never stay anywhere too long.
I’ve dealt with broken routines, and it’s a nightmare.
Let hubby stay the night or whatever and you leave. That’ll be enough time, so he can shut it.
Put him down for a nap where you are going. Thats what i use to do. Its one night. After the year everyone has had if i could be with family for more then 4 hours i would. Or take different cars and leave when you think the time is right.
Take two cars. He stays and you leave early with your son.
I would and did make an exception for special occasions when my kids were small. My kids were good sleepers and I was usually able to put them down for bed wherever we were, especially at family members homes. Can you put him down for bed where you’re going?
The way he said it, i can understand why you felt he was being selfish. The comment would rub off the wrong way to me too.
A lot of people commenting are giving you great suggestions. This is a conversation you should have with husband, be open to compromise. Acknowledge his needs are important as well. Yes you have a child now, but you can’t forget you and husband both have needs too. You should share your feelings about how his comment rubbed off the wrong way and that’s why you became defensive about the whole idea. Talk and be open to compromise.
Maybe to meet both your son’s and husband’s needs you could use a bedroom at your brother in law’s home to put your son to sleep at his regular bedtime? This would slow him to get enough sleep and allow your husband to socialize longer. If that won’t work, maybe you could take two cars and he could stay to visit longer and you could leave to get your son to bed ? I would usually just put my daughter to sleep after family 's home to visit late, but she would sleep anywhere, not all kids are able to do that.
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I think schedules are amazing especially for kids with special needs, but I also feel the rest of the world will not cater to the needs of your son, and he wont be a toddler forever so occasional interruptions can help to teach him how to face and over come change. I am not sure where you are from but where I am we have been quarantined and unable to socialize for months and for a social person thats hard and very unhelpful to ones mental health status. I kinda feel you’re both being a little selfish hubby isn’t being considerate of babys wants/needs but you’re also not being considerate of his… During times like this there is ALWAYS room for compromise… Good luck to you all and merry christmas … Kudos for putting baby boy 1st but dont forget hubby has feelings and needs as well and 1 doesnt trump the other. If dad isnt in a good place he is usless as a husband and a dad maybe he really emotionally needs this socialization…
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My son has autism as well and when he was very young it was HELL for the entire house staying in social situations too long or staying out late when he was tired. Now he can handle it better (he’s 12), he just finds a corner to hide in or walks in circles outside in the yard alone. It took a lot of years for him to be ok tho. At 2, your son’s needs to take priority, he’s too young to be expected to regulate himself, and adding autism into the mix makes it even more important to stick to a schedule. People dont realize the sensory overload aspect and what hellish torment it is for the person experiencing it (I deal with that myself), the struggle with change in routine and the general difficulty being in social settings that comes with autism. And the younger they are the harder it is. Its gonna be miserable for everyone, especially your son, throwing his routine off on purpose just for fun. If your husband really doesn’t think 4 hours is enough, then take two cars so you can leave when your son is ready. If you dont have two cars he can find another ride home when he’s ready 
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You both need to reach some kind of compromise here.
It’s a special occasion… If it was an all the time thing then okay. One night won’t mess up the kids sleep or health.
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Just put him down while you are there if you think you can’t let him stay up late one night. It’s literally one night, Christmas. You don’t know what tomorrow brings. We almost lost my dad this year, my husband has cancer, I saw a post today that a site I follow lost her brother-in-law unexpectedly yesterday. You only live once. You may not have that chance next year. Build memories.
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Never left for bedtime because there’s always somewhere to put the child down if they get sleepy , you can break the bedtime every now an again it’s not that big a deal . My kids were very flexible in the routine when it came to going places an getting home late
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Sorry, I’m with hubby. My children went with us. When they got sleepy, they went to bed wherever we were. Then we carried them out to the car, and inside at home. They never even woke up.
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I don’t think you’re overthinking, with children with special needs, sometimes they can’t just sleep in a family members house, they need their own bed. He’s 2 and a half? He’s a toddler, and it might be too much sensitivity for him to be there in the first place. I’m not sure how far along on the spectrum he is, but depending on where he is just being around too many people might be exhausting or overwhelming for him. Taking him home early might be your best option for him. If he can sleep there and be okay that could be another option, but being that he is 2 and a half he might be freaked out when he wakes up somewhere he’s not used to. Mothers know their kids the best! So do what you think is best for him!! If your husband still wants to stay, tell him to find his own way home!!
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My mom used to really give me a hard time about putting my daughter down for naps on holidays (“But we miss her and she misses all the fun!! It’s a special day - she doesn’t really need to nap today!!”). She’d also try to convince me to let my daughter eat all the sweets she wanted, and skip veggies and bread (because they were “boring”). She’d pout when we said we had to leave to put Emma to bed (after staying past her bedtime to begin with).
My daughter was used to falling asleep wherever we were so we always gave a little grace anyway.
This is all changed one year when I said, “Fine. It’s Christmas. We will do it your way.” My daughter got increasingly cranky throughout the day, culminating in my child who never had tantrums having a meltdown around 8 pm that ended with her vomiting all of those cookies and sweets onto their kitchen floor. Mom never gave me a hard time about it again.
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I always took mine with us and if they got tired they slept anywhere and were carried out to the car. HOWEVER, we are talking about an autistic child here. They can only take so much noise and when they get tired they won’t sleep anywhere but in their own beds. Autistic children need routine and they need to feel safe. I side with the mother on this one.
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In this particular case, where your child has some special circumstances and you do not want to spend more than 3-4 hours, I would drive myself separately or arrange for hubby to get a ride home later. It’s a special holiday and that’s his family-let him stay even if you go home earlier.
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I take my kids PJS and stuff with me when it comes to family get togethers. My family has little ones ranging in age from 1 to 20 for the children. We have a gathering for Christmas every year and we all do the same thing for our children. If they fall asleep before we get home than they do. There is nothing wrong with a child staying up past his bedtime on an special occasion.
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Yup and they usually fall asleep in the car. My daughters 12 and we have a set bedtime and we still out later on holidays.
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We took jammies for them to wear on the ride home, but on holidays, stayed late. Kids like to visit too! Fun cousins to play with? Grandma to hang out with? A few times a year won’t ruin bed time.
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For holidays and family gatherings no. I never left early if they got tired I would ask if there’s a quiet room I can lay them down in or I would hold. One of my kids needed quiet to sleep and thats how I handled it. But my other 2 would sleep through anything so they literally slept in a stroller laying down or on the couch in the middle of everything. For holidays I worry about making memories not bed time routines. Both of my parents are gone and I will never get that time back and im glad we made memories instead of cry about bed time.
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You’re his mom and you know him best…I believe that you could leave the party with your son when you want…your hsuband doesn’t have to go with you…and then you are both happy. I tend to agree with you, because he’s still young, and i know as a mom the melt downs are not fun to deal with …
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Where ever we went to family and there were other kids and they went to bed we would put ours to bed and we were lucky we could get her up and get into our vehicle to go home and she would stay asleep and stay asleep all the way home and not wake to put here into her own bed
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We usually have a bedroom set for babies and younger kids to rest when they need it. The adults socialize and everyone kind-of looks out for the babies. Unless you have a fussy one, bring along his/her favorite blanket and toy.
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There is no right or wrong it’s about respecting and valuing BOTH of your perspectives. If you are worried about bed time and your husband wants to spend quality family time and they are both important to each of you than go home with your son and let your husband enjoy the visit
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I would stay. Kids dont care where they sleep, or if its interrupted. Its only one night. Have some fun with tour husband.
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So be flexible. Let him know you ate willing to stay late as long as it does not create to many behaviors for the child. Most will get a lil fussy but as long as he isnt in meltdown mode he should be ok to stay. Also while routine is key in autistic children that cannot and will not always happen. This can teach your child that 1. Sometimes plan change and 2. Self regulation and self soothing. Your kiddo wont always be able to have everything perfect and selth soothing is a huge skill he needs to learn.
My son is also on the spectrum. Good luck. Late bed times are great memories.
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my daughter is 18 almost 19, autism, medically fragile, cognitive impairment and legally blind. We started at a very young age building some small variation into routines. Yes children with autism thrive on routine, however they also need to learn how to adapt to minor changes to routine. They cannot spend their entire lives with the exact same routine. Life happens. If you never build changes into the routine, they will never learn coping skills. Or have the opportunity to build coping skills. Family time is important. Yes OP is concerned about child. However it is completely manipulative to say dad isn’t putting child first. Parents have needs too and those have to be addressed. Autism is very isolating and to have a night with family is not selfish or means they are a bad parent and don’t put the child first. We as parents can only sacrifice so much.
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Until you said autism
I was kind of on hubby’s side but guess autism might change things. Don’t you have two cars? Let him stay and you take little one home if it’s absolutely something your very serious about.
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I was a very strict disciplinarian about bedtime and schedules but I always think there are times for bending the rules on special occasions. In some ways it’s good for children to adapt to change.
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I have definitely pushed my kids past their bedtime more than once for different events. While my kids are important, they aren’t everything either. As parents we need to put ourselves first some too.
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when I was little we always went to my moms friends house for new years and we always stayed for the ball to drop at midnight and she let me sleep in her bed
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Of course I have many times raising 5 kids. Allow them a safe place if they get tired… or have them take a nap before you go. Babies and toddlers didn’t stop us for having a good time.
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Ok. I get what most people here are saying, and for typical kids it may ring true. But speaking as a fellow Autism mom, nope. Not true at all. I would stick to the schedule, especially at that age. Our daughter is 15 now and can do with deviances from her daily routine a lot easier. But when she was younger? Yeah not going to happen.
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All of our family gatherings gets a place little kids can be put down if they fall asleep before parents are ready to leave. And we don’t make them go to bed at a certain time, we let them stay up. After all, it may be a long time before they see these cousins again!
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I agree with you . I feel the child should come first . We have a son with Autism and usually we couldn’t stretch him much past his bed time .
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We brought a pac n play and set up in a quiet bedroom so we didn’t have to leave family celebrations early. I think the holidays should be an exception. When we became grandparents we purchased a crib and a daybed so our kids could celebrate with the family
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My children have a set bedtime. Always have. We make plans around that bedtime. Routines are important… and sleep is crucial for kiddos. Sure they’ve stayed up a little past it here and there but i try to avoid that. We just start festivities a little earlier
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I’m with hubby on this one too! Bring his pjs and a blanket, when he is tired find a place out of the way for him to lay down. Then when it’s time to leave hubby can carry him to the car wrapped up in the blanket. We did it with all of our kids, worked like a charm! Good luck
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Structure is so important for kids. Especially a child with autism. I’d tell your husband ti suck it up otherwise he will end up with a very very very cranky child disrupting his precious social time.
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We didn’t we did as we pleased. Kids adapt and a time or 2 will not upset the dang applecart. Lives don’t revolve around 1 kid or person. If your hell bent on leaving early take seperate cars and quit being a pansy
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If you’ve not dealt with an autistic child, your opinion doesn’t count! Most like/need their routines. Some will have meltdowns. Honey, go in your own car, or let your husband find his own way home. I’ve done this and my kids aren’t autistic, but I have a 4 year old autistic grandson.
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Depends on how my kids are acting. We have stayed put past bed time before but if the kids are getting cranky it’s time to go! I have a son who is 2.5 and in not autistic and if he doesnt get enough sleep or is over stimulated no one is going to have a good time… when the little one is ready for bed or for quiet time even if hubby isnt ready to go home then leave him there to find a ride. I get it, it sucks to have to miss out on fun because of kids (or any other reason) but as a parent that’s all part of it.
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I have a child with autism (granted mild not sure what level your son is) but, that comment about putting the child first was low… maybe compromise and take 2 vehicles and you can leave early with your son and your husband can stay and visit his family longer. I loved visiting all day, especially when I don’t get to see these people I love often
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Put him to sleep there and carry this sleeping child to your car when you are ready to leave. Put him in his own bed so he wakes up there in the morning. That’s what was done in the old days. As long as our parents were near, all was well.
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You dont say whether or not this is a local trip…assuming it is. I’d take 2 cars…
And am interested that no one has mentioned covid concerns yet…honestly, I think I’d forgo it altogether, but that’s me
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As a mom of an ASD kid I totally get needing to stay with the schedule. They handle life so much better when their schedule stays the same. Holidays were the one time we would try to push things. Maybe bring his jammies. Change him at the same time you would at home, follow some of the same routines. Maybe compromise with hubby and try an hour longer.
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Normally I would say that your child will adjust and sleep longer the next morning, however a child with autism handles stimulation differently and may not be able to handle an extended visit. May I suggest bringing two cars that way you will be able to leave whenever your child has had enough. It’s difficult to be stuck in the middle between your spouse and child, but your child needs someone to advocate for him.
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Play it by ear… If the son is doing OK it’s no big deal to be up past his bedtime one day out of the year, lighten up.
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We would bring a pack n play with us when ever we would be out late. Nighttime diaper, pajamas and put her in there when it was time to sleep. Stayed sleeping in the car and right into her bed at home. Slept all night. 
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We have certain times when we extend bedtime by about an hour or so. Maybe compromise and bring your son’s nighttime things so if he crashes he’s already in jammies. If he falls asleep, just lay him down until you guys are ready to leave. If he doesn’t, he can have more time playing with cousins (?) and family.
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I agree with hubby on this one, hosts know you have littles and will gladly give you a place to lay them down. A lot of people only see each other on special occasions and want to spend as much time together as possible.
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Always. My kids bedtime didn’t make me leave places. My family was always flexible and the would give me a room where I could put my child to sleep and then when I was ready to leave, I would just get them and go home. Sometimes they even stayed up really late.
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I’m in the middle.
Try to stay longer to socialize if the kid is having fun, but leave if the kid is cranky or overwhelmed
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It’s a special occasion bring his pj’s if he needs to sleep, I’m sure grandma has a bed he could use. Put him in the car when it’s time to go home and right into bed when you get there. I was always very firm about my kids bed time but every once in a while you have to let it go. Enjoy Christmas
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I’m with you…4 hours is plenty! We have little ones and my family knows that we leave around bedtime for them since they are so used to their routine that they get tired and want to be home in thier beds. Your hubby can stay with family but you are also looking out for you and your son by keeping him with his routine, even during the holidays 
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Have a place where you can lay him down to sleep when he gets tired. Carry a sleeping baby out to the car.
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Its only one night and its Christmas…get him back on his sleep schedule afterwards. It won’t be the end of the world. My kids always stay up late for xmas and they love that they get to do that.
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I’d say the solution here is to take two cars. You and the kiddo go home at bedtime and he can stay. If he was a neuro-typical kid, I might say try to put him down at brother-in-law’s in a quiet room (and you still might try it if you think he’d go for it), but routine is such a lynchpin for kids like him that I wouldn’t mess with it, especially if the rest of the day is likely to be atypical for him as well. Even with my own toddler, I try to only change one variable at a time.
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I agree that it’s best to stick to the bedtime. For neurotypical children it wouldn’t be a problem, but as a mom of a child with autism, I know the struggles of going off routine. It can throw the whole week off.
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Not a parent but as an Aunt in my nephew’s (4 & on the spectrum)daily life…I totally can understand where you are coming from. Of course you want to spend time with family during the holidays & of course you are wondering about the schedule your child is use to. You want to go but you also want to keep your child on the schedule that you have established & that your child is comfortable with. One small disruption can be a HUGE disruption in the autism world. Is it possible to drive separate cars & when you see your child getting uncomfortable you & your child can leave? Totally understandable that your are considered the importance of your routine!
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We always put their jammies ON AFTER dinner so if they got tired they could sleep and hubby would carry them out 1 at a time to the car to go home family time is important and you cant always keep a routine with kids enjoy life dont stress so much
I completely understand this mom because I was the same way with our son when he was a baby… Looking back holidays are special occasions and sometimes we don’t get to see our families as often as we would like. The family we do visit is accommodating to the needs of our son and there’s private rooms set up if the kids want or need to lay down. Also driving separate is always an option if one wants to stay a little later if the relatives live close by.
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Go to Christmas party, spent 4 hours. Thank the host. Hubby can catch Uber or spend the night and you get him in am. Child with autism needs regular schedule. Family should understand. Everyone gets what they want and God gets peace on earth. Merry Christmas to all 
My kids never went to be till 10 or 11 when they were little. But we didn’t leave places due to nap times or bedtimes.
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Asking what most people do, may not work since your child is on the spectrum…routine is EVERYTHING for people with autism…take separate cars…dont blame it on bedtime just be honest that he’s reached his social limit for the day…that way family doesn’t think your a hard-a**, and know it’s about his diagnosis…teacher-here
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Put the kid down for a nap 2.5 is to young to go all day without a nap.
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It’s not fair to your son or you for that matter. Your husband sounds selfish. True once you have children it’s not all about you. I would leave with my son when it was his bedtime. Let him stay and socialize all he wants. Poor kid is only 2 1/2 years old. Listen to your heart and do what you think is right for your son.
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It’s family time, memories time, just take jammies, favorite blankets,toys and put him to sleep where your at, enjoy your time, once in a while isn’t going to hurt a thing, enjoy,it’s Christmas or other holiday time, don’t be so set in routines,
Autism mom🙋🏻♀️. Kids are resilient. Even ones with autism. It won’t hurt him to stay past his bedtime. We’ve always done things the old fashioned way when it came to this type of situation. At worst your child can fall asleep in your arms( and put them down on a bed or couch), or fall asleep on the couch watching tv. Be flexible. Yes, my son has always had a hard time with the Christmas hubbub, but a quiet room and extra alone time always worked. You have to teach your autistic kids from an early age how to cope with every situation- start now.
Edit: we have a larger extended family with kids now ages 2-15. I always say it’s a circus when we get all the kids together.
Make Christmas “bedtime” special! Buy a new set of Christmas jammies that your son can change into at the party and bed him down in a quiet room until you and hubby want to go home.
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I am a grandmother of 2 grandsons 6 and 3 who both have autism and a 6month old granddaughter. We have a quiet room for the kids if it gets to be too much but we stick to a very strict routine for the boys. They are usually gone by 8 to put boys in bed by 8:30.
My daughter is very set in bed time and I’ll sometimes take my own car so I can leave with the kids and he can stay. It’s not perfect but the kids come first.
I bring a pack and play and if my little o e wants to go to sleep in a quiet room she will. Every child is different. Our 20 month old is usually in bed 6pm each night. If we are out for an occasion, she is pretty easy going. As long as she is occupied she hangs pretty well.
I think you have to be flexible on special occasions like holidays etc. My son would just fall asleep in my or my husband’s arms. Was never really a problem.
When it comes to children with autism, you have to look at it from a different perspective. They generally do not do well with any kind of change. Yes you can work with them sometimes but at 2.5 yrs old, I think the child needs to home and in his own bed. Not to mention that they can be over stimulated very easily by too many people. Maybe try driving different vehicles if you can that way you can take your child home and your husband can stay.
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Take two vehicles so mom and son can leave or let hubby spend the night. If child wasn’t on the spectrum, would say stay and be flexible.
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I’m with you mama! Especially if you are the one having to get up with him and care for him after his routine is messed up. We have kids who absolutely NEED their routine and if bedtime is thrown off, the next few days are off! Mama knows best, IMO.
Take separate cars and take him home for bedtime. Anyone who has an autistic child in their lives knows how hard sleep disruption is and how hard overstimulation is and how hard change of routine is for them.
Take him home. Let your husband stay and enjoy more time with his family. You’re in a tough spot. Being an ASD momma is hard, and putting the child first is necessary.
Can’t you be the one flexible? If you stay later and he is tried he can alway sleep. Many times carried sleepy children home to their bed.
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Nope, I’m with your husband. Especially on special occasions. I used to bring my girls’ pajamas and get them ready for bed at their bedtime wherever we were visiting. They fell asleep in the car on the way home and we carried them up to bed. The world doesn’t always revolve around the little one’s bedtime
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I think the BEST thing to do is to listen and watch your CHILD’s cues. Take jammies and stuff for him if he wants to stay later and can put on jammies there. If it’s too much for HIM leave at 8ish for bedtime. It’s ok to stay out past his normal bedtime if HE is ok with it. Don’t make him stick to a set schedule if he is ok with staying up. He might surprise you!
No I think your right is you have your child on a set schedule then the child will want to go to bed and it’s good to have your child on a set schedule because I know my niece has autism and she doesn’t like being a around a lot of people all the time
Reading between the lines, I think that you do this often. Putting the child before your husband. Please try to let the child sleep wherever you are. If it doesn’t work, then you both will have learned what to do. Your husband has special needs too, and one of those needs is having you consider his feelings once in awhile. If you keep shutting him out, he may eventually decide you don’t really love or need him at all.
Once in a while I would say it’s okay to make an exception. I understand routine being a necessity, especially for an Autistic child. If you think it will be too much for your child, follow your gut. I know I went home early a lot when my kids were young. It’s no fun staying late when your kid is miserable. Plus , changing the bedtime routine makes the next day no fun too. Kids and mommy exhausted the next day. Takes another day or two to get routine back…
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Sorry but not sorry. I have a daughter that is autisic that yes while she does well on a schedule you as his mom needs to understand just one thing…that life is adaptable. By staying “past his schedule” you are also teaching him how to to adjust to life and yes just because he has autism doesnt mean he cant learn. Its ok to relax and go with the flow. You will know when your son needs to have a quiet place. You got this.
Growing up family gatherings always lasted late. We were put to bed at the proper time, in the cousins room or sometimes our aunt and uncles bed, dad would carry us to the car when time to go home.
Bring his pj’s, blanket and special toy. Ask your husband’s family ahead of time if they have a bedroom you can use if he gets sleepy or overly stimulated. You can lay with him if necessary but don’t make your husband feel guilty about wanting to spend more time with his brother once a year. You don’t want him to start resenting you. I’ve been there. Yes, your child needs you but so does your husband.
I had experience with a child who had autistic like behaviors and routine was everything, when he was younger. I am with you and you are not overthinking. I would drive separate cars and leave early.
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