He is either very honest or he is playing games with both of you. Nothing bad just pretend all is ok and he will eventually stop. Encourage him to chat to her spend time with her. If he really loves you he won’t do that.
Omg leave!!! You Can do better than that!! If you can’t have a civil conversation after 9 years, then that’s a red flag right there. I’m so sorry your going through this. But you need to make yourself happy.
He’s gaslighting you and making you seem like the problem to belittle you. Leave now!
Find a new man who deserves you.hes a loser.
You’re allowing it to continue. 9/10 if you’re gut is telling you something isn’t right then it probably isn’t. You know your husband better than any of us, if it’s that bad and he’s not willing to talk to you and gets defensive then leave. My ex was like that towards me and then started beating me. I was young he was my first major boyfriend started dating at 15. Started that defensive bs when we were 18 almost 19. Started beating me at 19 and I kicked his ass out. Got a restraining order and he ended up in jail from the chick he cheated on me with - she was my next door neighbor. Then his family tried blaming me for it because I kicked his abusive ass out and wanted me to lie to the courts saying we were getting married etc so they’d let him out. I said hell no. They still blame me to this day about his crappy his life is to anyone who will listen.
U already know its over, so save face and leave. If he hasn’t already cheated, he will and very soon… do u and your kids a favour and Go!!
You need marriage counseling and if he’s not will to work it out and go then it’s time for you to go!
Yes I agree with the ladies above if he hasn’t done it yet he will I would just leave or make him leave but that will just create a fight. Keeping all that inside is bad and eventually you will blow up one day I would rather be alone than be with someone like that I mean you have tried to talk but he fights it so it seems like he doesn’t care to discuss and and he will keep denying it. It’s time to move on theirs no point to keep on trying when he obviously don’t care about it.
You said you rain into her that’s cool. But why are yal over to her house. There is NO NEED WHATSOEVER for you both to be there let alone at the house. Meet up with her for a lunch date. Seems like you are both constantly around her in her home and I don’t know why??? That’s asking for trouble
It may be a phase he’s going through. Maybe wants to see if he’s still attractive to other women, but you haven’t been together very long and how many times will he go through phases… and please don’t ever stay for the kid’s sakes. They are the ones who end up feeling hurt the most from all the arguing and will sense the tension.
You ran into her 3 weeks ago, but the way the story sounds you’ve spent multiple days at her house.
Is there backstory on her? Like is she disabled? Why is she asking HIM to get her shoes off the porch? I feel like there is ALOT missing from this ‘story’
If you want to justify leaving him because strangers tell you too, then just do it. If you want to save yoir relationship, sit down with your husband and instead of pointing fingers tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Also looking up Porn, is seriously no big deal and sounds like you were trying to make him feel bad.
Follow your instincts…
I would feel exactly as it seems you do. You already know the answer to this question and what to do. You are worth whatever it takes.
The fact that he’s texting or messaging her and pretending to be you should be a HUGE RED FLAG! Not okay at all. Never. Ever.
He’s sleeping with her. Collect your dignity and leave. You and your kids deserve better.
Not to Interject with a Sudden Blamesounding Answer, But(butts are better, BUT), Maybe (Actually for Sure), if you Could find the right time, and approach Him as Eloquently as You have Typed This Post, You WILL be Able to “Break” Y’all’s “communication barrier”, and Either decide…
Arggghh!!! Had to Let that OUT real Quick…
Whether or Not,You “Should”,Waste Your Time," Continuing to BE a Couple,Or PART( Hopefully as Friends ) Before It Is TOO Late.
The “other girl”, is Not to Blame (unlesssheledhimonknowinghewasinarelationship),She was Merely a Tool Used to Test Your Relationship.
I Hope My Bluntness Helps.
J.S.
I believe the affair has already started that there’s no maybe or what if’s… It’s plain to see who he’s happier with, Do you and your kids a favor and make him leave!
How sad!! You deserve so much more! Im sure he doesn’t even realize what he has until its gone… I hope you can talk to him & let him know how you’re feeling
I had a guy tell me that and as it turns out he was doing exactly what I thought and then some. Trust your gut.
So many red flags in this. The fact he messages your friend behind your back is so weird! The biggest red flag foe me is that when you question him about cheating he tells you if you keep accusing him he will find someone to do it with! How does that help at all with how you feel? He doesn’t give a shit. He is right out telling you he is going to cheat. Leave
Sadly, I think you already know the answer. A woman’s gut feeling is usually spot on. He’s giving you all the signs as far as this other woman goes. My next question would be, why the hell is she allowing him to act like that? Any woman with a bit of sense would feel uncomfortable with another woman’s husband acting that way.
U need to let him know u know whats going on and u aren’t gonna put up with that. If he wants to leave there’s the door. Let him know u won’t stop him. But u stay in the home and let him know that once he leaves there will be no coming back. U file for divorce and request child support and everything else. Also speak to your friend. Let her know u don’t appreciate her flirting with your husband. That if she wants him she can have him but u will be keeping the home along with everything else and requesting child support and possibly spousal support since he is the one who wants to leave. Let her know she can have whatever is left if there is anything to get. She’ll either stop cuz she’s not gonna want to support him or she will take him in even though she knows she’s a homewrecker. U make sure u get a good lawyer and have your husband pay for him. Make sure u read over everything carefully and it is to your benefit.
Tbh you already have that gut feeling thats what u need to go by and with all thst going on those are all flags
If he hasn’t slept with her yet, it seems he wants to.
I’d also talk with her and ask if she is getting any of these red flags? If she is your friend, she should defiantly be talking with you about this.
Never doubt yourself worth, or allow anyone to belittle you, if he doesn’t love, appreciate ,value or respect you as a person he doesn’t deserve to have a space in your heart. No man is worth crying for. Keep your head up and move on.
Do to him what he’s doing to you. Psychology 101z
Just leave. I was in a 10 so called relationship of abusive and emotional behavior with 4 kids to add to the damage. You and your kids deserve better than that
If he’s making you feel inferior to her then girl take the trash out and find your self worth
Unhealthy marriage!! It’s over get out now.
I’m sorry girl but you just answered your own doubts it’s time for you to start planning to move on.
I say: its gonna hurt like hell because you obviously love him and you have a family and life with him. But honestly if you are seeing this and feeling this then you know something is wrong. Your children are seeing the hurt even though you are faking the smiles, they see it. You do not deserve the pain and tears that you are going through and your children do not deserve to see you so unhappy and unloved. Them babies need to see a man treat their mother like a queen and their mother treat her man like a king. Seems as though he has already made his bed let him lie in it. Pack you and your children and start anew. You have to be strong for your children and yourself and in order to be all that you can be you dont need a man tearing down your happiness, self esteem, confidence or anything. Put up that wall and walk. It will be hard but so is what he is putting your family through. I feel that he is not worthy of your love and support any longer. I’m sorry but it’s how I feel. Girl … KNOW YOUR WORTH
The writing is on the wall, answers are in front of you, your forever is definitely with someone else .
If she were my friend I’d sit down and talk to her. See why she’s asking him to do this and that orif she is feeling some type of way about how he acts towards her but not you. Or if she’s noticed he possibly lasting after her. Personally I’d leave. He knows how you feel and continues to give you the same reactions, lying about watching porn when he won’t even touch you. I know that feeling and it hurts, soon after he cheated and we separated. Pack up your dignity and go.
Been thru this EXACT SAME THING! It’s time to respect yourself and go. Seriously. The best thing I ever did. Killed me inside for a while but I’m a happier person now
He wants to be with her. May not last long with them but definitely he wants too. Sorry to say but don’t put up with it . If you do he will keep pushing the limits because he thinks you will let him.
I only read about half of this (going to read the rest in a minute) but I just wanted to say how sad this is to read. His actions towards this other women, and plain leaving you out of the loop. He hasn’t been honest with you, he’s not respecting you by telling you the truth and I find that to be GUT WRENCHING. Imo he is definitely interested in this women. But like I said, that’s not even the issue. I couldn’t be with somebody who didn’t love me enough to be honest with me.
i think its time for both of you to to go to couples counseling. you have grown to a place of toxicity. This is either the beginning of the end or a new chapter. you decide which it is.
Stay away from her, forget she exist or even talk about her and see what he does?put him to the test
You know the answer … you may not like it but you know!
I’m going to tell you what you already know…He wants her and he’s not shy about hiding it. Let her have his sorry a** and you move on with your life. You can’t change him but you can change the way YOU deal with him. TBH, your friend knows he wants her too. That’s why she treats him like her little errand boy.
You deserve better .
He’s cheat on you.get out now.
All this emotion in 3 weeks of being back in touch! Cut contact and see if they still meet or chat without you .
Girl can you give me one good reason why the hell you’re still with this boy ?? What you need to do is find a male to be great friends with and do to a T identically what he and the woman do and see what his reaction is and then tell his to get out and don’t come back I have a pretty damn good feeling he’s guna have quite the change of attitude at that point !!!
He’s already left the marriage! If not her it will be someone else! You can try counseling but I think he will fight you on that, I know it’s hard to walk away, but you need to put you and your kids first!
Why would you need advice, the answer is simple LEAVE!!
Trust your gut. It sucks but it seems pretty clear that he’s got a crush on her. Not much you can do about it. The question is, does she have a thing for him too? If not then you may have to just let him make a fool of himself until it passes. But if she does, then you may need to figure out your exit strategy so when it all falls down you’re not the one left high and dry.
Who puts this Shit up.
Girl, leave… I tried to stay in a similar situation and all it did was break me in the end. I had a 5 month old at the time and was a stay at home mom… get a head start on the process. My heart aches for you but believe me there is better out there!
Your husband probably is sexually attracted to her but what can you do about it? Honestly. What is in your power to do? We do not possess people, we experience life with them but he is his own person. If she’s an attractive female, you can’t do anything about him being attracted to her, that’s normal. This is also someone that shouldn’t come in your marriage and bring up all of these feelings. Sounds like counseling is needed, along with personal therapy for self. You have to get your confidence back
Get away from him he is stealing your shine. You do not need a man like that . You see that period yes let him go before you lose all of your sanity. I went through a similar situation but after we split I pulled my big girl pants up and I’m living my best life. Just because we marry someone doesn’t mean it will last forever lose her as a friend and him as a husband!!! Run don’t walk!
It’s so easy to say “Leave” but when you love someone it is a whole roller coaster of emotions. It is not that easy honestly. Unfortunately the signs are there and it’s only inevitable. My two cents? Try to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally ( I said try because as I’ve stated before it is not easy). Do what you can to work things out like counseling, have the deepest most honest conversation with each other(if yall can without it elevating into a heated argument) because in the end you’d know in your heart you did everything you could. I’d highly advice you not to do the same things he is doing because it’s only gonna give him more motive to blame you for shit he caused…I am nobody to be advising you on what to do but I can’t help but feel for you. It is absolutely heartbreaking to dedicate so many years to someone just for it to go to shits in the end. I wish you the best 
He doesn’t love you anymore and he fantasizes about bending your friend over
Anyone else feel like they’ve read this before on this page?
I think your instincts are right. Marriage counseling may help. Personally in addition to counseling I would be preparing to be left in my own with the kids. Hope for the best…prepare for the worst.
With a guy like that, I’d let her have him. Doesn’t sound like he brings much to the table, regardless of where his attention is at.
He no longer loves you & he’s not attracted to you anymore “like” is an understatement he loves her & wishes to be with her not you if he could turn back the hands of time he would’ve chosen her but is 9years of marriage really worth your sanity, peace of mind & how you feel about yourself this is not LOVE the very sight of you irritates him leave him get a dirvorce how late long will you continue to accept being treated like nothing in your own marriage & home
Maybe talk to your friend about how you feel and see what she says or how she acts.
I think he loves you, probably a lot. But 9 years in the day in and day out has taken a tole on him, and he sees this girl . It’s not that he wants her, he wants the freedom. The wild time back, before you were tied down and “adulting”. I think if you were to tell him you were considering a seperation he’d freak.
What do you think love is? Love is actions…
You probably need counseling instead of fb. Marriage has its ups and downs so work on that with people who can help. Not fb. More than likely you’ll get answers from biased point of views
Trust your intuition! If it doesn’t sit right with your spirit let it go.
He’s obviously crushing on your friend. It’s plain as day. Get out now. It’s not worth being miserable. I’m sure your friend can see his advances as well, and is embarrassed for you. The writing is on the wall.
Let her have him chuck the sorry for excuse partner out and concentrate on your happiness and your children. He obviously will cheat in the end given time. Do what’s best for you and the children let him leave. He does nothing for your marriage and relationship anyway you aren’t loosing anything trust me you will be better off without a eejit like that. He is waiting for a get out clause to leave you trust your gut and get rid love
The problem always arises because with spouses it’s always the talk about kids/bills/fights/money, whereas with others it’s the small talk to take your mind off of some stress.
Having said that, why don’t you just stop craving his attention, just let him be and you be busy doing what you love or who you love to be around( your own circle of friends). The more you want to make your husband see that something hurts you, chances are he’ll downplay it to ,you just nagging him.
Now the friend, it seems you can’t cut her out of your lives so just see where the wind blows, if something is meant to be will happen, life’s not promised to be all fair. If they eventually want to be together then you’re better off without him, meanwhile again do what makes you happy, some hobby some passion of yours!
Good Luck 
Do you even have to ask?
Sounds like he’s having a mid-life crisis. Needs to feel like he’s still attractive to other women. Other people are always more fun because they don’t need to deal with the daily grind. You can ask him to go to counseling, you can have a sit down when neither is angry. You can decide that if he wants it, there is little you can do and start to get your own life in order should it happen. Maybe it’s me but it would be a cold day as a woman to have someone’s husband as my handyman. It’s called girl code, maybe she needs to be told about it.
The things he is doing are inappropriate and crossing the line of marriage. IMO. An affair doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts in a text, a conversation as emotional and goes from there. Sometimes it turns physical and other times not. Either way, I would haventhe two of them together and express my concerns to both of them. Then let them respond. You teach people how to treat you, so its time to require him to do better. I also say its time to take a break from your friend.
Did u talk to her and him???
I would let him go for my own sake
Trust your intuition!… if he’s not already screwing her he’s about to! You need to divorce him, file for child support and live your best life without him! And shes also a sl’”,’t for allowing him to be like this with her, as a woman I would let him know it’s not okay and I’m uncomfortable, and ask that he does not return to my house.
Leave! You’re better off without him.
I mean even if there is nothing going on the way he’s treating you is not ok
I would highly recommend counseling. Especially since you are finding it hard to communicate with him.
You also need to ask yourself if this is something you can deal with. If not you need to be able to communicate that with him.
Re-read your whole story again, you pretty much know it’s over just by what you wrote. You just want others to say leave him so you’ll feel it’s ok. Don’t stay if you’re not happy. Best of luck to you
Sorry but you need to leave. I feel there is a bit of gaslighting happening and denying. What if the tables were turned.
Can you speak to her & see how she feels? Follow your gut.
Why do you share a phone?
A very wise elderly lady told me many years ago, “That’s what roads are for.”
First of all it sounds like you guys spend way too much time around her. That should’ve stopped a long time ago. And it sounds pretty obvious that he’s into her and if she were a true friend she would see it too and completely shut it down instead of having him, YOUR MAN, do all these things for her!
I’d confront him but as for him not helping, I wouldn’t bothered doing what you asked him to help with 
I didn’t even read the whole thing. I stopped when you said if she asks him for anything he jumps. First of all I have best friends and childhood friends before even asking there hubby for anything I go through my bestfriends. That right there shouldn’t even be happening at all. Especially for her to ask him first that shyt is crazy. Yeah you both need counseling definitely.
It’s obvious from your story that your husband doesn’t love you anymore and you can’t make anyone love you. He humiliates you, shames you, seduces another woman and you put up with it all. Respect yourself and continue your life with your children, because if you continue to live like this, that man will destroy you both mentally and physically.
I don’t care how long u been with him, I don’t care about the other female…. But are u happy with the way he treating you? NO! Ok then u know what to do….
Divorce, he’s disrespectful
Divorce. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Just because you’re married and have kids doesn’t mean you need to stay. If he’s not making you happy then go. Kick him out. It’s over
Take yourself off of the Sale rack and put yourself Top Shelf. Know your worth.
If she’s your friend, may be try talking to her instead? Might not be good idea but give a go?
Just leaving a long term marriage with children shouldn’t be the first option for anyone it’s like if your car breaks down on the side of the road do you just get out and walk away without trying to fix it I don’t think so after all the money and time you spent on it I mean seriously people most men go overboard for other women they like the attention believe me their just big kids his chores and responsibility at home is drudgery but helping out a neighbor is rewarding why I’m sure she gives him thanks and praise as opposed to you just think it’s his responsibility look at it this way if you were at work and helped out a coworker and they are so grateful and appreciative you feel good about yourself but you do the same thing at home it’s just business as usual no praise no glory just everyday living I wouldn’t constantly argue or stress about it but when he does help praise him do something special for him give him extra attention and praise they are like dogs give him a bone every now and again and he’ll be wagging his tail think of it like this my kids hated cleaning their room but if I said ok who ever cleans their room the best gets icecream or if all the rooms are clean I take everyone out for icecream etc. Man we’re those rooms cleaned quick you have to use incentive and be creative and appreciate it when he does do it and nagging and complaining gets you nowhere just my experience being married for 20 years
I only had to read a little of this to know that he is being a freaking idiot and you deserve better! Leave his sorry ass or you’re only hurting yourself and your kids because you definitely are being treated like major shit. He’s horrible and you know this❤be strong
That sounds so heart breaking! I am so sorry. He doesn’t want to be with you. I don’t know why he’s staying but that sounds like really shitty behavior. It isn’t ok to talk to her while trying to act like you. He definitely has a thing with her and if she will ever give him the time of day he’s going to rip your heart out. Have you tried couples counseling? May be able to find the root cause of your disconnect from eachother and work back up from there. I would personally stop wasting your time with a man that won’t cherish you and find someone who will meet every need and stay completely faithful.
I spent 10 YEARS with a wishy washy man begging him to communicate with me and trying to help him navigate his own feelings and why he sabotaged our relationship asking what I COULD DO BETTER. Baby, never again. If I have to question a MF THING I’m out. I finally have a man who knows the value of what we have found in each other and I’m so pissed I settled for less for so long. Men are not feeble incapable or stupid. They usually know what they’re doing just as a woman would. Just my experience.
He definitely has a thing for her. PERIOD!
Him snapping at you is abuse. Don’t take the shit. If you can’t express your concern and opinion, then you’re not free.
This sounds Like my story. Except it was My Best friend. Like me… I Believe you are watching them Fall in Love right in front of Your eyes. While they tell you that you are crazy and Your perception is off. I almost believed them. But he Left to move in with her. So yeah. I Will never doubt Myself again. So I Thank them for that.
So he may not do stuff around the house or to help you because he is so comfortable around you…when you get comfortable around someone its a natural feeling to stop doing as much as you did before. On the other hand messaging her and what not is a whole nother level and honestly i feel like he is not communicating at all. I would suggest counseling ASAP or its going to eat at you and ruin your relationship all the way. Express how you feel to your friend so she is onboard about how he is acting and if he ever goes to far she can hopefully be honest with you about it.
Sounds toxic. Take the kids and the phone and run.