Dreading Christmas, need advice!

I have two daughters my oldest is 23 and my youngest is 9

Now I only work a few shifts in a care home
And I’m on universal credit.
My worry is My oldest daughter is always excepting the same amount of Christmas presents as what I get for my youngest daughter
Now I struggle a lot with Money and I can’t afford to buy her as much as I do my youngest
I feel like she’s an adult now And she’s already had her turn?
But I’m dreading Christmas because I’m worrying and I start feeling guilty but I can not afford to keep spending so much money on her
Am I right not to ? Or should I try and get them the same ?

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I can see the jealously, but honestly she’s an adult and there’s really no reason for her to be getting the same amount. I’m also in my 20’s & I never expect my mom to get me anything for the holidays, I’m an adult & she doesn’t have too. I know it’s mom guilt but don’t stress over it, she needs to learn to appreciate what she gets. Also, I don’t know if it sounds mean but she had all those years of Christmas to herself… she should want her sister to experience the same.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Dreading Christmas, need advice!

I’m the oldest in my family, 26, I don’t expect my mother to spend the same on me as the younger kids. She’s an adult. She’ll be fine.

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I’m the oldest 22 and I don’t expect the same amount as my younger siblings (14 & 11) they’re still kids I’m an adult. And I got to experience all that in my childhood already, they haven’t :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Your child is an adult and should act accordingly. Don’t feel guilty or put yourself in a bind to appease your grown child.

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I’m the oldest in my family (23)I don’t get the same amount for birthday and Christmas as my 16 year old sister who’s the youngest of 3, but I also have a son who will be 2 just before Christmas who my parents buy for too. I don’t think she needs the same amount of money spent on her as a 9 year old. And at 23 she should realize Christmas is more then just the presents :relaxed:

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Completely ok to do this. She is adult now. Your company should be all that matters IMO.

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I’m the oldest and spoiled and I expect the same I’m 30 :joy::joy:
You should have a conversation with her 23 sounds like she’s smart enough to understand. I’m just suggesting the conversation because it sounds like she’s use to getting the same amount of presents as here younger sibling and it’s better then Christmas coming and boom 1 present for you and 7 for the little one lol .

Your child is a adult your oldest shouldn’t expect hardly anything maybe get her a first card to let her spend on what she wants

She’s old enough to understand

She is 23, I think it’s time for her to realize you’re doing what you can as a momma and Christmas is more than just gifts.
I’m 20 with my own child and I still don’t expect anything for Christmas from anyone including my own mom.
Stand your ground & don’t feel guilty

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Hey I stopped getting Christmas at like 13 I did get a few small things but it was about my sister’s kids which I understood and still understand, at 23 your daughter is an adult and should be helping you with her sister

Once I had a baby I quit getting Christmas gifts it now goes to my daughter and I’m OK with that I’m also 30

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tell her No for a change the youngest one is more important thanherself adult she needs to do for

I am 23 and even at 16 years old if my mom said I can’t do much this year I understood… I wouldn’t ask for much so my younger brother could get more just to make sure he had enough. your daughter has a lot of growing up to do. And don’t let her make you feel guilty.

I have seven kids and I believe in treating them all equally no matter age.Either everyone gets $5.00 spent on them or $500.00 and I never give someone less than another.

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She’s adult, she had her day with pressie and santry, look after the young ones first, I had kids at her age hun so don’t feel guilty hun, enjoy your Christmas :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Equal amount of presents for each child.

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Omg this generation :joy:
My parents stopped giving gifts when my siblings and I turned 16. End of. By the age of 20 we were giving gifts to our parents, not the other way around. At a certain age the roles reverse and we need to take care of our folks, who are nearing retirement. You’re not a child from 18 onwards, learn to take pleasure in giving.

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She’s 23 years old. She wants the same amount, she can buy them herself. She has a 9 year old sister who’s needs are a little more important.

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Hopefully if your daughter is employed she should be buying you’ll the gifts. Part time work anything will help

She’s an adult she doesn’t need to be equal to her 9 year old sister. By 18 I stopped getting birthday or Christmas or Easter or any of that and started buying for the littles in the family. Christmas isn’t about gifts anyway…

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I think thats crazy. Older or not, that’s still your child. I have 5 kids aging from 8 to 18. You bet my 18 year old gets as many gifts as my 8 year Olds and everyone in between.
Just me, though.

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Give her a dollar amount/limit of what you can reasonably afford. Your daughter should understand, she’s old enough and should have her own job at this point in life.

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I think it’s time to have a real conversation with your grown daughter. She shouldn’t expect anything, she should be thankful with whatever she gets. She’s to old to experience the same experience at a 9yr old

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At 23 she should be offering to help with Christmas gifts for her younger sister, not insisting she receives the same.

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We was lucky if we got anything past 18, we expected to get less and our younger siblings to get more. We was working by then and was able to buy our own things xx

She is 23 she should be happy with what she gets as they get older things are more expensive so why would she get the same amount does she buy any gifts for you guys ?

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Shes an adult. I stopped buying my adult kids long before that age. They got a little cash in an envelope and a few stocking fillers to open Christmas morning …when they had children of their own the grandkids get but not the parents
The joy of Christmas is giving …but not if it means debt or financial hardship .

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I’m 24 and my mom still spoils me for Christmas, my son just gets a crap ton more than I do :sweat_smile: but nah, she should be grateful for what you’re able to get and should offer to help get for little sister to help you out… (atleast that’s what my family does) I’ve understood since I was 8 years old, that I may not always get what I want because mom simply don’t have enough to get it all.

It’s not the amount of gifts a person receives it the the thought that counts! Alot of people have the wrong idea of what Christmas is really about it’s better to give then receive

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Shes an adult she needs to understand, that is selfish and petty for her to get upset. Im 32 and my mom still buys me gifts and I tell her every year not to buy me anything just get for my kids. So if they year comes she doesn’t buy me anything I definitely won’t be upset.

My son is 16 going on 17 i told him i buy him cell laptop tv clothes whatever he wants he to big for xmas presents now its his nieces n nephew turns. I only buy for my grandkids . She 23 instead of expecting presents if you want to give her anything give her money o explain she a adult now enjoy xmas w the family

I dont leave my adult kid out, I treat my 30 yr old just like I do my 8 yr old…
Don’t know if he expects it, but as a mom I think it’s only right…I also do this for my 30 yr old daughter in law too…I try to spend equally on them even though the 8 yrs old gets more presents …
I still fix 3 stockings too😂

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Three item limit per person within MY budget. They can expect a Ferrari but if I can’t afford it they’re getting a matchbox car.

Pair of fuzzy socks and her fave snack

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Lmao I’m 24 with 2 kids😂 I cannot imagine, even if I did not have babies to be expecting my parents to get me some lavish gifts at this age or any for that matter. She sounds selfish, she should be focused on helping you get gifts to make her little sisters Christmas special!

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My oldest is 18 and she know what boat I am in (same as Ur self ) she said don’t worry about her but I have to XXX but at 23 I would think she get less xxxx

She sounds selfish and should understand your situation. She is an adult now. I am the oldest of 6 kids and had no problem giving up my presents (money) for my siblings by the time I was 15.

Man what? This is definitely your fault mama. Sit her grown self down and let her know!!!

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I tell my mom not to get me anything I would rather her spend that on my son and the rest of the grandkids

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Tell her you can’t afford to get her much but that doesn’t mean you love her less

Shit id be happy if my mom gave me a 5 doller scratch off.

She’ll be fine. She can’ get over it.
Sounds a bit stuck up too…

For me gifts are about the thought…Not the amount of presents or amount of money.
My family still buys me gifts (and I buy them gifts) but not like they do for my kids or cousin. I wouldn’t expect or even want them too.
I like things with thought behind them.

Buy her a couple things you know she’ll like that you can afford…then maybe make her cookies or something as additional gift. 🤷

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She’s old enough now that you should just be able to tell her straight up that you cannot afford a big Christmas this year.

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I have four children with a big age gap between the oldest three and the youngest. All three of my older children realized that the youngest deserved a nice Christmas and never had a problem receiving less than her. Christmas is for children. I now focus on my grandchildren. The adults get one present apiece except my youngest son. He is not in a relationship and has no children. I do more for him because we are the only ones that will celebrate Christmas with him.

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We have 4 children, ages 18, 18, 13 and 8. For several years now, we have set a specific dollar amount that we spend on each kid. Then we ask for their Christmas lists. Say we set a limit of $500 per child… that’s $2000 that we’re spending on our 4 children, and then we still have parents, grandparents and nieces and nephews to buy for. Our 8 year old still believes in Santa. Our older 3, obviously do not. So we have explained to the oldest 3 that we spend the same on each one of them each year. Our 8 year old wants Barbies, Legos, arts & crafts… stuff like that. The 13 year old wants a virtual reality headset, a gaming chair and a new gaming desk. Our oldest two want stuff for their room, clothes etc. obviously, for the cost of the virtual reality headset, we can buy our 8 year old a hundred Barbies. So our kids know that the amount of presents they get, is based on what they ask for. The 8 year old may have 20 presents under the tree. The 13 year old may have 5, the 18 year olds may have 12. That just how it works out. This will probably be the last year that we do actual presents for the 18 year olds. Once my brother and I became adults (unmarried with no children) our parents gave us each a card with like $250 in it. As we have gotten older and married and had kids, we receive less, which is fine by us… Christmas is for the kids. Now, that my brother and I both have spouses and children, we usually get a $50 gift card to go to dinner… which with 4 kids at home, it’s a nice date night for just the two of us.

I’m sorry to say, but her attitude towards the whole thing, is your fault. She’s an adult now and should act as one. Do what you can for Christmas, don’t go broke or into debt trying to satisfy your ungrateful adult child.

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Assuming your oldest works… She can go out and get things she needs/wants. I’d go out and get her a gift card and then you focus on your youngest.

I think your oldest sounds pretty entitled. Being an adult herself, she knows the cost of things. Tell her she’s grown, that’s not gonna happen anymore. Christmas is about family, not how many gifts you receive.

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She’s 23 gift card all the way…

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Sounds like it’s time for a reality check for your 23 year old. Have a conversation with her and explain the situation.

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I’d get my oldest something a bit more sentimental, jewelry or something and a card and chocolates, a stocking for sure… other than that my youngest would get a lot of toys and things! Anything else for my oldest would be things she needs for cleaning/ if she has her own place… if she doesn’t well gee living with me at that age is enough for Christmas :crazy_face:

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I had this EXACT situation. My girls are 20, 6 and 4. I explained to my two oldest girls if they want expensive things then they will get less than their baby sister. They took it fine, I switched it up this year to a price point. I’m spending the same amount on all of them but the two oldest will get less presents. My six year old wants a PS4 so I had to explain myself asap :sweat_smile:

Your daughter sounds super selfish and you should stop catering to her needs. She should be happy with what she gets. She’s an adult for Pete’s sake acting like a child 🤦

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If the 23 year old is expecting the same as the 9 year old sounds like she is a little spoiled and selfish. She is an adult her sister is still a child. It’s obviously totally up to you cuz you are her mom but I would just do a shocking for the 23 year old maybe with a gift card, some candy, maybe some makeup (if she is into makeup), anything on the smaller side that she likes that will fit in the stocking.

My parents stopped buying me gifts when i turned 20…

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Uh after a certain age not getting presents is the norm seriously sounds like you spoiled her

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Our grandchildren get one toy, outfit, and a book. If they have money left it goes on a gift card

She is an adult and should understand. Should lessen the gifts as they get older anyways. My mom when she was still alive would get me a few things each, usually something she knew I needed or really wanted. I never expected much, I am adult and I know there is no Santa. Presents aren’t the reason for the season.

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No no no! She is 23 years old she needs to realize that she is an adult and her little sister is nine years old who still probably believes in Santa and deserves presents that is not OK do not give in and buy her the same amount as you do your nine year old I understand a present maybe something that is useful for her but nothing to lavish or expensive especially if you can’t afford it!

If you can’t afford it then just ask her what she needs or ask her what would mean the most to her to receive. Us older children understand that money is sometimes a problem. I’m fine with not getting anything for Christmas as long as my kids do!

Tell her she’s 23, Santa stops giving kids presents at 18, he made an exception for her this long but its over now so she will just have to accept the gift you choose and can afford.

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She’s 23. Anything more than nothing is a gift she should be thankful for.

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So everyone here bashing your daughter and calling her names is awful. She’s 23, how about you TALK to her :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I stopped getting “lots” of presents once I moved out. My younger siblings get a ton more than I do lol but that just makes sense

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Ew. She’s grown… my mom still buys me Christmas gifts, but she absolutely does not have to! I consider that just a blessing. But if she wasn’t able to or it caused any stress in her life AT ALL… I would insist that she didnt. I know she’s 23 but it sounds like she needs her butt whooped! :woman_shrugging: p.s. that’s not what Christmas is about… if you’re stressed about it, then you’re doing too much! My kids know that they are not ENTITLED to anything they get for Christmas. Every single thing is an extra blessing that is just that… a blessing. Strip it down if you have to & discover the true meaning of Christmas as a family this year.

She’s an adult now and is old enough to understand at that age one gift should be enough I was 16 when number of Xmas gifts dropped and I understood perfectly I wasn’t a child anymore

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As an adult I haven’t gotten gifts from my parents since i was 16 (that’s when I moved out). Just let her know her time is over. Maybe a gift, but I would say that’s all you’re required to do :woman_shrugging:t5:

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You’re oldest sounds entitled and jealous of the youngest. I’m 25 and my little sister is 12. I’m more of a authority/mom/ definitely older sister to her because now since becoming an adult I help my mom with raising her (voluntarily). I tell my mom to always focus on her because she’s a child and I’m an adult with my own family. You raised your oldest and now you need to focus on your youngest. Your adult child will get over it.

You need to have a stern conversation with her, she is grown. You raised her and that is what your job was. It is not your job to spend money you don’t have on meaningless junk that she doesn’t need

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I stopped getting a large amount of gifts from my parents when I was 18. I got 1 gift, whether it was cash, or a gift card, or an outfit…I had 2 younger siblings one was 8 years younger than me, the other 12 years younger than me. I never expected anything at all, certainly not the same as what the kids who believed in Santa got.

Now as a mom to 4 kids (19, 16, 14, and 11) I spend roughly the same amount on all of them give or take a few bucks here and there, but none of them expect anything. Im a single mom and do my very best and they all know that. They are happy to get whatever I can give them. If my 11 year old understands that, your adult daughter should too.

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My kids are 23, 12, 9, and 3. The 23 year old is a grown a** man. He doesn’t expect to get as much as his siblings. His father and I buy him a gift each or if it’s something expensive we purchase it together. It’s time for your daughter to grow the hell up and understand that you have bills. Now tell her if she helps pay at least HALF of your bills then you can take the extra money and buy her some extra Christmas gifts. Focus on your 9 year old Mom. Your oldest just has to suck it the hell up. :woman_shrugging:t4:

I spend the same amount on all of my kids the older kids don’t get as many presents but their gifts are more expensive.I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and he has 4 and we have one together, it’s a lot but I some how manage.In all honesty though if I didn’t have money for the older kids they couldn’t care less if they got anything.Ages are 11, 13, 14, 15 , 16, 19, 24, and 25.

Sounds like she should’ve been made to grow up much sooner. 23 is a dang adult and should not be expected to be treated like a child for holidays. So she’s supposed to get the same amount of gifts until she’s 34 if you continue to buy your youngest the same amount of gifts that your oldest got at 20? It’s a never ending cycle. She should’ve already been cut off and set straight on this issue several years ago

She should be buying you gifts instead of competing with a 9 year old.

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She’s an adult. She shouldn’t expect the same as the youngest anymore. She’s acting spoilt. She had her full christmas’s when she was a child. My mum gets me candles usually for Christmas. I love it. I don’t expect anymore and I’m grateful she even gets them as I’ve told her multiple times now her children (including myself) are adults to focus on the grandkids instead. Also its her turn to treat you now, she should be working at 23

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Christmas is not supposed to be about gifts. It shouldn’t be stressful. It shouldn’t put you into debt. When you learn to make Christmas about family time and not what you can do for someone else or they can do for you, it frees you up to actually enjoy the holidays again. She is an adult. She should have her own bills so she should have an understanding of how hard times are.

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Nope my 23yr old doesn’t get the same as my others.

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You enabled this behavior… It’s up to you to nip it in the bud. Ain’t nothing no one can do about your daughters expectations but YOU.

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My parents get me a bottle of gin IF they have the money after spending on kids

My parents have always allocated equal money to each child and as we’ve grown the money got allocated by family. So now my children get more of the “money” spent on them and my single siblings or just married siblings may get more gifts for themselves. Such is life as you grow up. I do believe in spending an equal amount on every child/family unit tho whether thats 5 or 500 dollars. Just because we’re older doesn’t mean we get forgotten. The holidays aren’t about the gifts tho. Just thinking of her should be enough

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As far as I know once you hit 18 your lucky if you get one gift :sweat_smile:

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Your not obligated to get anyone anything. Your 23 year old sounds spoiled and needs a reality check.

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She is an adult and should understand I would talk to her and tell her your situation. If she can’t except it then she’s not much of an adult.

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Regardless of her age, she’s still your daughter. I stopped getting gifts when I had a kids.

Tell her you can’t afford to buy her any gifts this year - and remind her what you bought her when she was 9 years old.

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i think i have a different opinion to most on here, but my kids get the same, regardless of age.
i do explain that the older they are, the things they want are more expensive, but they are your children regardless of age.

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Wow at that age I was not worrying on what I was getting from my parents… I was getting together with them to help figure out what my siblings wanted and helped my parents out… I was also doing my own shopping making sure my parents had thiers to… im oldest of 5.

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I would have a talk with your oldest I’m sure she will understand

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Just get less for them. Xmas is about charity, being kind and giving, but not beyond your means.
Get a family experience. Like a day at the zoo together as a big present. :slightly_smiling_face: time is worth way more

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From the perspective of the daughter: I’m in my mid 20’s and my mom still gets me a gift for Christmas. It may not be anything crazy big anymore, but it’s still so nice to be remembered and surprised on Christmas when everyone else is opening their gifts. Last year she got me a book, a scarf, and a candle and I was so happy! I think 23 is still young, so see how much you can afford to spend for both and do that. You don’t have to spend a ton of money to make Christmas special. Good luck :heart:

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Missing the whole point of christmas there :roll_eyes:

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I stopped buying for my adult kids when they turned 18, they get 100 dollars. I still get something small for under the tree, that is it. They had their turn. Now I will probably up it when all the kids are out of the house, 3 more to go out of 6. Then there comes grandkids…lol but she is to old to be expecting anything.

I’m 24 and get a ton of gifts from my parents, but I’m an only child. But given that she is an adult, you can explain that adult gifts are more humble than one’s for kids

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Explain it this way as you get older items cost more so therefore the items you receive are less .

She’s 23 and needs to realize it’s not about gifts be thankful you have a home and thought about and cared for

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Tell your older daughter that. She can get over it. Put her on 30 to 50 budget if u want but you don’t even need to do that.

Set a limit to spend on both & stick to it.

There is no reason to go into debt for Christmas because it’s “expected”.

My 3 older kids(23,22,19) get money. My little one, 5, gets presents. I do NOT feel guilty as they are adults. I had kids at that age and received absolutely NO gifts from my parents.