If my daughter had to pickup anything out of her sons room it went straight to the trash. Didn’t matter to her if it was good or not
1 Like
Sometimes it can be so messy it’s overwhelming and they don’t even know where to start. Make her a list: pick up all the clothes, pick up all the toys, pick up all the trash, etc.
Once it’s clean, make her pick up every night before bed. Even for 10 minutes. This has really helped my kids
What looks like a mess to you may not look like a mess to her. Help her by showing her where things should go. Make sure the room has less clutter by removing things that are not needed… show her where each item has a place to be and help her put them in their rightful place. Let her know that you expect her to keep them in their place. Once she has finished doing that each day give her a reward. Make a chart and have her check off each cleaning chore as she finishes them. Example…Stars and when she gets 7 stars then she gets a trip for ice cream or a trip to the movies. Ect. Dont expect too much to begin with. (Shes only 9). Stick to your rules. It will take time . Also do the same thing with your other children. Let them be an example. If she doesnt do her chore and they do then give them their rewards and make her watch as they have fun but dont let her join in. When she gets a star …brag on her and let her know how proud you are. GOOD LUCK!
1 Like
I always found it was easier at that age to give them a list.
An accurate list of what needs to be done and in the correct order.
Works well.
As long as there isn’t anything in there that can attract wildlife or insects … let it be … when she needs something to wear and it’s not clean or is too wrinkled … she’ll get the idea
Maybe because everything in the house is perfect, including the other 2 kids, she feels the pressure and this is her relaxing way of showing it.
Taking things away doesn’t help.
Does she do her other chores, does she keep up with her homework, does she socialize? If these areas are going good, leave her be and just shut the door. As long as there isn’t any dishes or food in the room, your fine and she might grow out of it. Don’t push so hard
1 Like
Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad!! My daughter was an absolute slob in high school she rather buy new clothes than do her laundry!!. When she became a mom that’s when she became neat and tidy. Some kids just aren’t neat!
I would downsize the items in her room to a minimal.
I would let her know that it’s apparent to you that she is overwhelmed with to much to take care of.
Let’s work together to make this an easier place to keep clean.
When you are able to keep your room clean we can add some more items back in a little at a time.
Does she have a place to put dirty clothes? Her special toys?
Does she like the way the room is set up? Ask her for her input. Help her rearrange her room the way she would like it.
Less stuff =less mess to clean up.
I agree with others to that suggested to choose your battles.
I would also praise her for any attempt she makes in cleaning. Positive reinforcing
We have two Grandaughters sharing a room 8 and 5 and both can really make a disaster in their room.
They both work hard organizing their stuff as well as they can.
They beg you to come and see how well they did.
We praise them for their work.
They smile huge smiles on their accomplishments.
I wish you well with your situation. Every child is different and she is yours and you know your home best.
My oldest Grandaughter always had a messy room and I kept telling her that it’s her space, her place to chill and the older she got, the more she would want a clean bedroom. Helps with relieving stress. Well she loves her room clean and she has also worked at cleaning at a motel and helped clean up rooms before college students moved in. Both places were very pleased with her cleaning abilities.
Don’t give up on your girl. We all mature at our own rate and we change as we mature.
Sounds like you are a great role model with keeping your place clean.
I would go into my girls room with a trash bag and then make them put it all in the bag (everything they didn’t pick up). Then I made them put it in dumpster. It only took each of them once to get the message loud and clear!
Sometimes they never ever change…having same problem with my 40 yr old son. All I can say is pick your battles or move out. I got myself an apartment. 
Truth…
Give her an allowance then if room not clean charge her for cleaning it yourself.
Buy her a Guinea pig.If she doesn’t clean he room, hide the pig and tell her it’s lost in her room. Then it doesn’t show up until her room is cleaned. Really I never argued, I just kept the door to her room shut. It’s amusing now as her home is immaculate. She has OCD.
Just leave it,don’t do her clothes or help her find anything. Let her bring her friends to her mess, when they won’t come back she’ll
clean her room.
1 Like
I think kids should clean but how about the adult negotiate a time and help clean together. Some kids need to be taught.
Close the door! My deal was once every two weeks, it had to be tidy so it could be cleaned. The rest of the time, so what! Is it really worth all those fights?
My daughter had a similar problem with my granddaughter. She was an absolute hurricane daily. She told her that there is a “moplar”, not sure how she came up with the name , that lives in the floorboards and it is a very nice fuzzy animal that chines out at night and takes all of the things that are left out. She then had to do chores to earn it back if the moplar took her things. At first my granddaughter tried to negotiate for her things but quickly realized that the moplar didn’t negotiate. Her room is now always clean before she goes to bed.
My daughter was messy and now that she has her own home she’s so very neat.
Please don’t compare your children. Some kids are just that way. Close her door. When she’s on her own, she’ll more than likely be a clean freak. 
Lol mine always got go pick up all the clothes or pick up ten things count out loud. Not sure there is a cure for it. Then it went to no softball or sleep overs till you clean it.
I have two daughters. One has ADHD, and the other is a straight a student. Both are slobs!! I gave up on the rooms, and gave in to who they are. We have peace now. One exception, the rest of the house stays clean. 
Just let her be!!! She is 9. I still cleaned my kids rooms at that age. I look at it this way, MY room is not perfectly clean all the time but it’s my room. Nobody goes in my room except me. The rest of the house is clean. If my kid does better with a messy room, so be it. As long as there isn’t any nasty food or dishes just sitting there, let them have their own space. Just keep the door shut and be done with it.
We take pictures. I take pictures of the messy room and set the timer for 20 minutes. They clean for 20 minutes and take more pictures and compare. Then we set the timer for another 20 minute etc…
I’m 84 and no one has been able to get me to clean my room. Give up!! Only you thinks that it is not O.K. Respect what she thinks. Why do you care about HER room. Mind your own business. Why does she have to follow the beat of your drum—or however that saying goes. As long as it doesn’t bring mice, rats or bugs, who cares?!!
1 Like
I left their rooms alone but every sat they had to clean dust and change sheets literally spic and span the room rest of week was door closed
As long as no food dishes dirty clothes everywhere I don’t care and don’t sweat the small things
There is the three box method. Things to keep things to throw away things to store. Limit to a week’s worth of clothes. Remove extra stuff. Rotate clothes.
Give her an allowance and then clean her room but everything that’s not where it belongs in a box and make her buy it back with her allowance
My daughter used to have her room so messy that I would get so mad . I took a psychology class and I mention this and that Teacher told me something that made sense . She said if that’s your problem with your daughter you are lucky . She is not drugs or Something else . So if it bothers you so much her room is messy well then CLOSE THE DOOR so u don’t look at it . And oh my Goodness it worked . Now she is a 35 married woman with 2 boys and she works fulltime and keeps her house cleaner than mine . Lol
Stop fuzzing over this just close her door and forget about it. The more you say things to her the more she will not clean it.
1 Like
Just shut the door. Not worth getting your knickers in a bunch. Come the weekend, tell her she can’t go out until her room is clean. It worked for me with my 2 daughters. During the week just ignore it. You’ll be surprised how fast the room gets cleaned if safe can’t go out with her friends or to a sports event. Stick to your guns. It works.
Make it a necessity. Anything not put up, take it. Make them earn it back. Get the older ones to help. I taught my children that as a family we help each other and if one child forgot to do something they were required to do that it was OK to do it for them because I didn’t care as long as everything got done and it taught them to help each other without having to be asked to help each other because they didn’t want anyone to lose privileges or get left out of some activity.
Also teaching them to put things in place when done with them will make sure they know where it is
1 Like
It’s tough. I know. Sit down and calm as possible ask her why? Yes It’s her room, but maybe what you see as a mess is her being her. Is she a creative person? Some people that are creative are messy. Maybe instead of say clean your room, give her 1 specific task. Like bring your dirty clothes to the laundry area. Show her how to do her own laundry.
We all have that child. One way remove everything from her room and let her earn it back. Better yet take pictures for future blackmail. Show her kids what mom was like. I gave up on my two boys. Once in a great while I will super clean their rooms to retrieve my dishes etc. If you have no other problems with her. Let her be. Shut the door. Problem goes away.
I honestly think its the age. Jusy keep working on it. She’ll get it
1 Like
You know all kids are different.Some of them want a well cleaned room and they make it that way, others don’t care what it looks like.
Most kids need to “learn” how to be organized and how to keep their room at least picked up and decluttered. If they don’t learn those skills at an early age it will continue into their adult life and everything will be in total disarray. You can always tell them that you have a 10 minute rule. 10 minutes before they go to bed each evening they have to make sure everything is picked up in their room and dirty clothes are put away etc. Then once a week the cleaning part is not so bad because you can just teach them to run the vacuum and dust, etc. Sooner or later they will learn that it’s much easier to keep things picked up then it is to send them to the room to handle an overwhelming job of cleaning up a big mess. Also, Parents need to remember that they are the adult and they are the boss. You can’t be your kids best friend and they need to respect the rules and understand consequences.
1 Like
No answer for you. My youngest kept his room so messy that I threatened to throw away his stuff if I had to clean it. He still left it messy. I had to keep my word, even though I hated to . That stuff cost!. He is grown now and I never did turn him around! He is his wife’s problem now!- Sorry, Cindi!
1 Like
I took a trash bag into my daughter’s room…gathered EVERYTHING in it, tied it up and left her with a weeks worth of clothes, a sheet on the mattress and a blanket. She finally realized I was serious. She had to earn back the rest of her stuff. It took her quite a while to earn it all back.
My daughter has a day to clean her room I told her to pick a day that was the day she cleaned… if it wasnt clean by bedtime she lose everything for a week until it is clean… but I told my nephews who dont like to clean just like I told her you dont have to clean till. You drop clean 5 minutes break 5 minutes clean and break until its done your be surprised at what gets done
Just had a fight with my 19 yr old daughter about cleaning her room.
1 Like
This post tickles me. When my son was a bit older than that, I had a problem with him cleaning his room. One weekend his friend wanted to stay. They were on the phone when my son asked if it was ok. I said sure but go pick up your room first. He got back on the phone and told his friend he couldn’t stay!
2 Likes
Have her clean your bedroom in exchange for cleaning hers. Sometimes it is overwhelming to certain children.
All kids are different. It has nothing to do with you mom. As she gets older it will change. I know it is hard. Embrace her rather than spend your time fighting her.
At a certain point, I had to chose our relationship over the clean room. Her belongings had to stay within the room and we can’t have pest like gnats. Others told me she would get tired of living that way. She is 22 and not tired yet.
What did your parents do to you for not cleaning your room ?? Did it work ?? Well then isn’t it worth the try ?? Or you have to take things away like WIFI time only to be used for homework. Or put all dolls and or toys in a box and place in attic or garage where they can’t get to it. And if you go somewhere fun leave her with a friend or you could try to make her embarrassed by inviting friends over and they have to stay in her room except for bathroom and food.
Mom take this from another mom. Close the door don’t bother looking into the room. My 42 yr old daughter was the same way. She spent the majority of her time reading instead of cleaning. It has been this until now. She’s married has 4 children 2 that have autism. She’s a great mom better then I was. Learn to pick your battles. Good luck!
Have minimal things in the room. You aren’t punishing a child by only allowing them to have a few things. You are giving them a chance to be able to care for a few items they care about and can manage, and an opportunity for outdoor play and better health.
Teach your child how to clean. Don’t just say clean your room, make sure she knows how to. Some people just like clutter. Don’t know why but some of us can get upset if we don’t have clutter.
My sister and I shared a room. My mom told us multiple times get everything off the floor and we ignored her. We came home from school one day and everything that was on the floor was now in the driveway. We never did that again
My son has been ocd his entire life. Had straighten rugs everything has it’s place. Brilliant at details!! My daughter was Slobio…She is Brilliant in school. Now a Senior at Texas A&M in Honors Electrical Engineering. My son and I felt her pain of Advanced classes and all the time spent at school, study groups and President of Robotics club. When either of them went to their dad’s I would get to clean it top to bottom. They appreciated a clean slate every two weeks. Then my son and I did it once a week for her when high school was crazy. It was a gift I chose to give them. If I couldn’t stand it in between I closed the door with a smile. Today they are both ocd in their own homes!!! NOT THE BATTLE TO PICK IN MY OPINION. Now they come home and “organize me”
Just shut the door - she will grow up and clean it in a while - from experience.
3 Likes
Let me tell you what a great Dr told me. Dr Ringo, used to be a special ed t eacher befor he became a doctor. He told me to take a photo of thier room. Consider that this is how thier mind looks and that they don’t have the skills to organize things. We really talked about it. He is an adult and strioll doesn’t have things organized but at least he tries
It’s a battle indeed. While it is her room and her space, there should still be some rules. No clothing or towels on the floor. If she breaks these rules, she should do her own laundry. Her door should remain closed because the rest of the family shouldn’t have to look at her mess. No friends are allowed in a messy room.
When my kids are small their pediatrician said to me close the door and walk away if they want to live like pigs let them. And that’s exactly what I did
I just clean it myself it’s just easier and less stressful… but I do everything cu of you want it done right do it yourself
My sons are very messy. I close the door. If I clean up after them I charge them just like a maid… lol
Seriously , don’t stress.
I hate it but it’s their room.
They are grown ass men. They never had a messed home. I was kinda a clean freak…I do a lot less now … after an illness I just decided it wasn’t worth it.
I learned I’d rather spend my time doing things I love.
Let her have her messy space (no food). As long as she is respectful of common areas of the house, leave her room to herself. She will either learn to live in a mess, or get tired of it and clean it up on her own. If you can’t stand it, close her door.
9 is young, maybe she needs help with it. How about using this situation to bond with your child. Show her that you can do it together. It also doesn’t hurt to sometimes let it go. Do you really want to be arguing with your 9 year old about a messy room, throwing things away, or even worse unconsciously making her feel bad because it doesn’t get done when she could possibly be overwhelmed. As much as it bothers you that it is messy, she may have anxiety over how to get it cleaned your way.
If you can name somehting of hers and she can locate in a minute its her organzied mess for her…not everyone organizes the same way.
List on the wall or close to each section what needs to be done. Next is to be an overlord watching- make her pick up right away to get in the habit of doing it - she’s 9 do t expect perfection.
It’s never going to happen. My daughter ALWAYS had a messy room. She’s now 24. Her room’s still a mess,… but we love her and she loves us.
1 Like
Just close her door and don’t look at the mess. When she can’t find something she needs she will clean it
My boys and I were commerical workers. We got a lot done over an evening those few min. during a commerical. Most of the time it was fun we would have races to finish a job. Having mom there kept things going and I could coach if necessary.
1 Like
Dont allow food or drinks in the room except water with lids so no spills and no bugs, I think forcing to clean it is not gonna happen and later you’ll look back n say why did I focus on such a frivolous thing and now my baby is grown and figuring out it’s necessary to be neat at least where company will sit
If she’s never lived in a messy house and you exhibit the habit of cleaning and keeping things neat & orderly then why should she not be allowed her own space in which to be who she may be? Why does she need to be like her older siblings or like you? Let the child be her own person! You have no idea the damage you do to her by criticizing her and expecting her to be “like________” ( insert whichever sibling or whatever other name you will!
I lived that life and I can tell you it has taken me a lifetime of battling it and I still struggle with the feelings and anxiety of not being good enough, of not meeting expectations, of being a disappointment…and NOT just to ,y parents & family either!
Just say you can’t go play till you vacuum your room. They can’t vacuum if clutter is all over the floor. It’s a start.
I finally just shut the door. Then that child put a sign on it “welcome to the pig sty “
1 Like
I realized if I gave my son his allowance and then took money away for things he left undone worked. It didn’t bother him for me to take away money he never had.
1 Like
My daughter 13, constantly cleans her room, she started doing so after I let her decorate it the way she wanted so it feels more like her space. She actually cleans hers more than I clean mine. I don’t have enough space so it always seems cluttered. As long as your daughter doesn’t have food/trash just laying around I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it, but make sure she is responsible for putting her dirty clothes in the hamper & putting away her clean clothes, just DON’T clean it for her (no matter how bad you want to), or you’ll never get her to do it!!
You can make a weekly contract. Our boys loved going to a skatepark 45 minutes from our house. We used that and other fun things to keep their grades up, cleaning the room/house, mowing the lawn, etc. Be specific in the contract about your expectations and theirs. You both sign the contract and leave it where you both see it. It worked well for us.
She’s a child. She will change when she gets older. Just be her example. She is only a child for a little while.
My daughter was like that when she was young. Her messy room drove me crazy. She finally told me she felt comfortable in a messy room. It never occurred to me that that mess was her comfort zone. I backed off on having a room that met my standards and we compromised on what needed to be picked up. And also, I learned a closed door makes a room look clean too…
1 Like
Take something away that she really likes and she doesn’t get it back until her room is cleaned. Like her curling iron etc.
After constantly fighting with my child about a messy room I decided it was a control issue and if she wanted to live in a messy room, go for it. I shut the door. She had to pick her things up in the rest of the house. My stress level dropped 99 percent. 
You got two kids that keep their rooms clean. Take your win and run with it. A clean room is not worth the power struggle.
Each person/child is different. Maybe this is just her. Work on the important things, such as no food in her room. Maybe she wants to be an individual and not be like the older two. Set a time and day each week that you and her will clean her room together. And love her for being who she is. Maybe she feels like appearances like a clean house/room is more important to you than she is. I knew that feeling. Appearances to my mother was more important than I ever was.
Rebellion! If the other two conform, she’s rebelling in her own way! Ignore it, she loses! Don’t clean for her! See what happens then!
1 Like
She might be doing it to get more attention…even negative attention fills a need sometimes.
Warn her about day n time , next rubbish you’ll put all her untidy stuff into rubbish bin , then do do it , do not buy any new stuff
My daughters grew up in a clean house, most of the time their homes are clean, but it takes awhile. No worries.
Strip everything but bare minimum, she can earn items back one at a time when she reaches the goals you set out for her. Do not ever change your criteria you initially set out, prepare yourself for initial defiance and do not give in.
For some odd reason,there’s gonna be one kid like that,for us 4 it was my youngest sister,and for my 3 children its my youngest daughter.
You have to learn to pick your battles. The clean room thing was a battle I was determined to always win and then I realized, if my son can’t find something because his room wasn’t clean well too bad. I learned to just shut his mess behind his door and let him deal with it. He is now 17 and has a very clean room for a 17 year old boy.
Just let her live in the mess but she must keep her door closed. She is to be responsible for clothes that need washing that she puts in laundry and she collects cleaned clothes to be returned to room.
1 Like
As parents we try to get our kids to do the right thing and get help them to be responsible people…sometimes some kids learn the hard way… ut sometimes there are underlying things we dont know about until a diagnosis or realizing there may be something more to why our kids just cant or wont do things…there is no instru tion book as to how to raise our kids in certain situations. Sometimes we cause unintentional stress or damage to our kids with out knowing we are doing so…Being a parent is hard and we dont have all the answers and sometimes its a trial and error type thing…i hope youll find a way to be a little understanding with your parents, not easy trying to do what we think is right for our kids, we can only hope we dont screw up our kids to bad and know it was done out of love and trying to help our kids become good people
I was faced with this with my middle child a girl. No matter what I did it didn’t work. Guess what? She lives the same way today. Go figure. Good luck.
pick up the debris, put in box and it can be returned when keeps room clean. give cookies to children that keep room clean, tell messy child cookies are too messy and she wont clean up messes.
I have a grand daughter who is 12 and she has separation issues and everything she owns is in her bed or under it .
Be a parent ,make them clean,if they dont comply dont spare the rod,make sure they clean ,pick up clothes in not they dont eat,they dont get clean clothes,no phones ,tv ,though love
Try the black rice method. I just saw this on Facebook. The mom put black rice (aka mouse poo) in the child’s room to make them think there are mice. Said it worked. Room clean.
I went through the same thing with my daughter. I would clean it while she was at school. Then I got sick of it and I told myself she can live in her filth until she’s sick of it. Believe me when they’re done living in filth they will clean their room. It’s tough love, but… It taught her a lesson for her own good. Trust me when they’re done living like a pig they’ll clean it
I’m going to give you a different perspective. My father had a physically devastating heart attack when I was 10, and was no longer able to work. Since he was home all the time, he became what we used to call a neat freak. Probably some OCD in there too. He would stand behind me when I ate breakfast and snatch up everything as soon as I was done to wash, dry and put it away. He vacuumed constantly. I rebelled. Not to the point of disgusting or a health hazard, but never up to his standards. My point is, you mentioned that your other children keep their rooms perfect. Do you mention to her how perfect their rooms are? Do you say things like…why can’t you be more like them? I know from experience, that some people will do the opposite when always told they aren’t living up to your standards, or are always compared to others in a negative way. Sit down with her. Brainstorm ideas how she can be more organized. Give her some control over her own space. Praise her when she can accomplish things like keeping things off the floor, putting her clothes away, vacuuming, making her bed. In the end, you may just have to accept that she is not you, or your other children, and she does things her way. Don’t alienate her. You need to decide which is more important…a perfect house, or a good relationship with your daughter. How do you want your relationship to be in 20 years? Strained because of the perfection you battled over? Or a close one? Housework will always be there. The foundation of the relationship you build now, will determine the future relationship you have with her. Don’t let this constant strive for perfection be the memories she has of you.
It’s his/her room. Keep the door closed and pick your battles
Not worth fighting over it. Let it go. So long as there are no critters, let it go. 
I had a very messy teenage daughter. I got so tired of her not cleaning her room. Finally, I just gave up & let her live in it. Hen at 17 she had a serious boyfriend. She wanted to have him in her bedroom to study, ( her room was just off the foyer & livingroom ). I told her ok, door had to stay open. Well, you have never seen such a clean bedroom ! She did not want him to think she was a slob. 4 yrs later they married !
1 Like
Let her live in her filth Once it starts to stink she might decide to clean it. If she has friends over make sure they must be her room or no friends. She’ll get embarrassed eventually
Perhaps it’s her way of asserting her difference from her siblings. As in being different. She might not even know why. You don’t mention her age. If a teen or pre teen, it could be a form of rebellion, something she feels she has control over. My daughter had a very messy room, and her furniture was hand me downs and falling apart. We bought her a few new pieces, and suddenly she started taking pride in her room and its appearance.
As long as we kept the common/public areas clean, our parents didn’t worry too much about our rooms. Just as long as there were no "science projects " growing in them!
Just a suggestion But if they can’t clean their rooms stop doing their laundry. The world can see that they are slobs
Einstein kept a messy office. Does she make or leave a mess in the rest of your house?