How can I make myself fall in love with my husband. Is it even possible? Let me give some backtory…and please do not bash me I am sharing me true feelings here. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I have 2 kiddos and we had 1 together. He found me when I was very broken, just left a abusive relationship with someone who abused me in all ways so lets just say i was in a very vulnerable state. My husband helped pick me up, he took my two daughters under his wing without batting an eye…he has always been good to me, he helped me regain my self esteem, confidence in being with someone and reminds me daily of how good he is to me. The issue is, I’m not in love with im and never was. When we got married, I did love him…I just dont think it was the right kind of love…i do not want to leave him as he is so amazing to me and my kids are no longer abused so that is not an option…even if im never in love with him i am NOT putting my kids through not having him in their daily lives…and yes I know I deserve happiness too…but the thing is. i am not unhappy he is a greay guy and we are safe…and my kids happiness is more important than mine…theres just no passion there, its just a really great friendship…which i guess i can be okay with in the end as long as my babies are safe…sorry i am just ranting now…i just dont know how to be in love with him
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I make myself fall in love with my husband?
Either leave bc he doesn’t deserve to not be whole heartedly loved. Or maybe y’all just need time to reconnect without the distraction of kids and life
Love is love - you don’t have to be falling head over heels obsessed with anyone, including your life partner. I think you may be confused between love, and obsession.
He deserves to know this is how you feel. Im not if it was mentioned if he is aware you’ve never loved him and have been basically using him to have safety and stability with a good man/father/father figure to your kids… but thats not fair to HIM. Even if you separate he could still be their dad and have visits. Being selfish isn’t a reason to lead the life you’re living with him.
Sadly you can’t make yourself fall in love with someone . It just happens.
But try to see if you can find a spark something that will make you say “wow I am in love with him” . Find the spark. And if you cant, then talk to him. Let him know how you feel , maybe you guys can go see someone.
Love isnt always a feeling but a Choice. Marriage isnt always happy butterflies and romance… true love is having someone in your corner in every situation in life. Social media has set this fake standard on what life should be… you should never stop dating your spouse either keep the spark alive. The more you connect without other distractions the more connected you become
Leave. He deserves better and the truth.
Love yourself more and you will passionately love someone that loves you the way he does.
Focus on some hobbies.
Do that thing you always wanted to do.
Loving someone is a choice you make,or not. When you see 2 people who have had a long marriage despite struggles it is because they chose to love.
Love evolves. It is ever changing.
I am inclined to believe that being in love does not last but waxes and wanes throughout the course of every long term relationship.
Sometimes it’s a better relationship when you love someone but not in love with that person. If he’s a good person and treats you good than your a lucky woman. Maybe in time you learn to be in love with him.
Go get marriage counseling or go on a marriage retreat. If that doesn’t work leave, not fair to him.
You truly don’t want to be a part of the dating world these days - it sucks out here! The grass isn’t greener on the other side and I learned that the hard way!
Talk about being self -centered.
Wow why did u even marry this man that’s really ignorant to even use him and his feelings just leave him he deserves better than you
Maybe try going on dates if it’s possible without the kids… spending some time together at home without the kids again if possible. Get to know each other again. I wish you all the best.
You can’t force love…
Maybe make a list of what love means to you because what you describe sounds like love to me.
He deserves love too and if you are unable to provide that personally I think you should let him go. Never once in this entire thread did I see you mention his own well-being or happiness, only yours and your kids, that’s not fair to him.
Your babies won’t be babies forever. Can you live 50+ with no kids in the home with him?
Love is a gimmick. The only real love is between mother and child. Two adults feel lust for each other.
Stay single. It’s better for everyone. I love being single. NOONE to bother me. No one to ask for permission from or too. Hell no. Just stay single
You probably need to start by loving yourself and then you will be able to appreciate and love everything around you. After reading, you seem selfish or Maybe your just not physically attracted to him enough to appreciate everything else. Maybe your comparing yourself to others in relationships or something like that. Anyhow start by loving yourself and by being appreciative of who & what you have.
Hero syndrome , wrong way to start a relationship.
Go on dates again, a second honeymoon, prolonged time together can create too settled of a feeling where it’s just a mundane routine to be together. Being parents is one thing, but if you aren’t acting like a couple in the down time without the kids in the moment, that’s why there feels like there’s no passion. A man that stepped up for a family that wasn’t his and baggage that wasn’t his to carry but he still helped you with the weight, is definitely something to hang onto. Possibly marriage counselling if you’re looking to repair things on a professional level, but there are definitely things that can be done to help the spark re-ignite
If it’s not meant to be he doesn’t have to disappear from the childrens lives as he’s actively involved. That’s what working out a co parenting routine is about and establishing what days who has them. If you have some love for him but it’s not enough to feel satisfied either put in the work it takes to try to get there or let him go to be whole heartedly loved and for you to find the same if it’s not with each other
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What about him? Don’t you think he deserves to be in love with someone?
Work on getting your relationship right with God and make a commitment to stay married & do the things a good wife should do. Feelings will come in time if your heart is right with God and in line with His teachings in His Word.
I could love any one that’ good to me
Even though you’re not “in love” but you love him is important and you say you have a great friendship, just work with that for now and if so, arrange for couple’s therapy to get to the heart of the matter.
Love takes on many seasons. Passion is fun, exhilarating, and sometimes, short lived. Marriage is a journey of ups and downs. You love how he is a great daddy, don’t shortchange that. He helped repair you, that’s love as well. Sometimes, we need to mature and realize what love truly means. I understand exactly what you’re feeling; my advice is to put the work in. I think if you’re open to it, you’ll find you really are in love with him.
Trying connection on a more deep, intimate level. Go on a cruise together or even weekend get aways. Flirt with him, spice things up in the bedroom, sexual attractions can bring you closer. Much respect for trying to strengthen your relationship, rather than walk away, and good luck:heavy_heart_exclamation:
If you aren’t in love with your husband and don’t know how to be in love with him then it seems to me that the marriage should end. It’s not fair on both parts.
Are you sure you’re not in love with him? If you’re used to abusive people and love them which I’ve been there and loved someone even tho they were abusing me
Daily, you might be getting it confused. No judgement or anything, but I find myself finding normal aspects of my relationship now very strange and unfamiliar because I was so used to abuse
You either love him or you don’t. It’s not fair to any of you to keep a relationship going for the wrong reasons. If you truly don’t love him, amicable separation is better.
Jesus your are a good guys worst nightmare
There is a massive difference between love & lust.
Enjoy his company and see the kindness. Appreciate and you can learn to love.
Try Hobbies together
I think you’re looking for infatuation and that isn’t forever hun. People search for a life long best friend / partner their whole lives. For some people just watching the way another man accepts their kids is enough to fall in love…
This is a discussion with a counselor you need to have not a Facebook group.
So let me get this straight you all good now so you want to so what?
“Passion” is often abuse in another guise. I worry he reminds you daily of how good he is to you, unless you means he does something lovely every day for you. Real love takes the form of realising you want them in your life every day. Real love is a really great friendship. I think you may be looking for something that is already there. The whole being in love thing does often mellow in long, secure relationships. If he makes you happy, then that’s great.
You either work on it falling in love is no more than eating chocolate. Love and my marriage is work . I have been married twice fell in our of love both times another words made a choice to change. Now been with 3rd for 18 years wake u everyday and love her more today than 18 years ago. Love grows everyday
Therapy can help. Dates, special one on one time to build and grow together.
Sometimes after abuse we have gotten so used to thinking of the chaos as passion that it’s harder to settle into a quiet love…not saying it’s true every time but something maybe to think about to see if maybe that’s the case.
You are chasing a unicorn that doesnt exist. That crazy love you see others experience is usually a crash and burn situation that cant last. Those people are probably fighting secretly and loving hard for show.
The real goal is friendship and experiencing bursts of happiness. I’m sure their are other things you are missing too so try to do those things together. Have more moments make those memories and reflect on them. Unrelated but there is a questionnaire online that is called 36 questions to fall in love, you guys should do it together. It’s more about a deep connection over sexual desires. But without that connection the desire is hard to have. (For me anyway)
Also makeovers and couples only vacations to take you out of that rut and mom and dad role routine help
Be open and honest with him and find the passion, find the love. That’s the problem these days, people think when things are not working you throw it out and start new. NO! Loving someone is a choice you make everyday…
Sweet heart you can never force yourself to be in love with someone. Everyone that comes in your life isn’t meant to stay in it. It’s like you married him for your kids sake and like you was saying Thank you. He deserves to be loved the way he loves you. Don’t be selfish of his feelings because he’s good to you and your kids.
I have been there. It’s such an impossible situation. I eventually left and in many ways I’ve lived to regret it. He has never faultered in his devotion to me, despite everything. It’s unreal.
I think people think of love and they think of lust.
There’s also the fact that love takes work. He sounds like a good man, and it sounds like you might need to open yourself up to understand what love really is.
Being abused really messes up your mind… I know because I’ve been there. I would suggest counseling… If you’re a believer, pray on it
Passion is easily created. Make it fun. Tell him open and honestly what drives you crazy. Like exact instructions. Kiss me right here, that gets my engine running. FLIRT WITH HIM. Make him feel as wanted as you want to feel.
It’s like anything else. Effort needs to be put in.
If you have to force it then it probably shouldn’t be happening￼…
Sounds to me like you have a great guy there! How do you define REAL LOVE? Friendship, loyalty, safety, trust, reliable, steady, good father, responsible. Are you stuck in a Cinderella story? Not intending to be mean… you need to get healthy so you don’t fall for some bad boy that gets you all twitterpated. Let him lead… sounds me to as though he is showing you what real love is.
Reconnect and plan some date nights.
You can’t force yourself to be IN LOVE that happens naturally. He seems too great, and you aren’t going to be walking away because he provides from what I’m reading. I’m sure you can provide a safe place for your kids without actually forbidding him to find a love that will be reciprocated. Sex therepy and marriage counseling is the best I can say for you. I’m sorry, but your the reason men don’t take marriage seriously no more. Women like you ruin it for those with PURE intentions, because it’s obvious you only loved his stability and what he had to offer
You need to find happiness within you then you will learn how to appreciate the person who have loved you unconditionally. As you said you have been broken and you still crave the excitement of an abusive relationship. Start to appreciate what you have and learn how to reciprocate. I was in your shoes and I have found a great guy. My life is peaceful and that is priceless.
Get yourself some good counseling
Sounds like you need to build a relationship with a good counselor and try to figure out why a safe stable loving man doesn’t light your fire. You have likely spent so much time surrounded by chaos and trauma that a healthy normal relationship feels bland.
How would you feel if he died? Kind of lost I’d bet. Look for the love in his eyes and mirror it back to him.
It sounds like you have had the time… I think just being great friends is all you might be getting… And that’s okay…
I’ve known some people who’s friendships grew into falling in love and they have the most amazing marriages ever! Don’t give up !
You can’t force yourself to fall in love somebody. That’s just not possible. But if you are happy then you don’t have to leave him. I’m so glad that you and your kids got out of that abusive situation.
Maybe you should talk to him about going out and having and spending quality time together. Maybe if you guys start spending quality time together, (Not with the kids) maybe you guys can get time to really connect.
I think we can confuse love as those ‘butterfly feelings’ of infatuation from when we were often first dating or from stupid (Soap Operas etc)…it is rarely that 10 years in!
Your Confusing passion with love . I feel really bad for your amazing husband.
You can’t make yourself. If it isn’t there it isn’t there.
As a DV survivor…I truly understand…in so many ways
I say this with no criticism, swear… But ma’am if all that good stuff he did for you n the kids isnt enough to make you love him, you will never be in love with him. N thats okay. I mean, sucks for him but you cant force yourself to love somebody. Maybe y’all would be better off as friends? Gotta talk to the guy bout it for sure.
Sidenote… How the heck did I even get here? I think I got on for parental advice maybe? Also, to the lady who posted bout the frog potty thing, i was so excited bout getting it for my boy but my baby mama wasnt interested! What a turd!
You shouldn’t have married the man if you weren’t in love… it may not be a great option for you but he deserves someone who is in love with him… you can’t force love . If you don’t feel it after 7 years it’s never going to happen… just let him go…
Besides just cause you end things doesn’t mean you have to completely cut him out
Love is feeling safe. Love is being with your best friend…
He deserves better, you cannot use him for the sake of YOUR KIDS. Your actually horrible
It’s a shame really your cheating both of you out of love. Praying you figure it out.
I believe a good friendship is love
You should have just lived together instead of getting married.
Have you tried date nights and going and having fun together?
Maybe sit down and talk with him, have a heart to heart, maybe he will understand. Maybe you two can come up with a great co-parenting situation. He seems like he is a great guy and will understand.
Hear me out, I’m coming to this question as an abuse survivor myself. There are many different kinds of love. There are different kinds of passion. Adult abuse survivors are often childhood abuse survivors. They are way down deep used to the turbulence and passion that they had. Often they’ve never had a healthy relationship to compare things to. That level of passion/turbulence that isn’t in your life anymore can be confusing and regular emotions can feel numbed. Boring, for lack of a better word. Talk to your therapist, maybe this is the guy you love.
Count your blessings
When people fall in love it’s actually a hormonal thing. And it goes away. That’s when you are left to find out if you actually love the person. Being in love is simply a hormonal thing. Having a great friendship, trusting and supporting each other… that, that is real love and it sounds like you have that you just don’t realize that IS love.
Your happiness isn’t the only thing that matters here. What about his? You’re potentially keeping him from a woman who loves him like he loves her. Marrying someone for security and not love Just isn’t right. You shouldn’t have married him if you weren’t in love with him.
Sounds like you still need to work on yourself
He deserves to be loved too.
Go to relate, guide your husband in that you are two strangers meeting for the first time, get him to, doing a bit of role play, can be fun, you need to get that sparkle back or create it, have you had therapy for what you endured, you might have been shell shocked, and numb, holding feelings back up a wall of protecting yourself from “feeling anything” it’s a coping mechanism, so you don’t get hurt. That would put me off someone if he kept telling me how good he feels he is to you. It would push me back into cold mode, I’m not very efectionate either, cold distant, maybe leave him some messages, of nice things so he feels valued, because telling himself in that method, how great he is to you, might be, him feeling that you’ve gone, your distant, he’s not feeling secure. Maybe some help with comunication, with the help of relate
You really should get into therapy. Did you go to any kind of therapy after the abuse? If not, it’s really important that you focus on you and get help. Once you start doing that inner work, you will be better and not just for you but for your kids and husband too. Your husband may have helped you in a lot of ways but he’s not a therapist and that is something that I think you desperately need. Therapy takes time though. Be patient with yourself. I really hope you can find a therapist that will help you the way you need to be helped. Good luck
To me it sounds like you may be in love with him. Especially if he is your best friend. Try to spice things up in the bedroom. I go through this feeling too sometimes. But I do think feeling safe and secure in a relationship is love.
Sometimes it’s better to accept what you have because if you leave you may never even find again what you all ready have! I loved my sons father like I would love a sibling and finally left looking for what I thought love should be and regretted it many times and wished I would have stayed in the love I felt! Because kindness, caring, happiness,security, trust and respect out ways everting else. So work on the marriage you have and find there’s many kinds of love!
I Believe u have healing to do, sometimes abuse becomes normal and an actual healthy relationship may seem boring because it’s not dysfunction… I say communicate maybe a weekend getaway, plan fun things to do, put some effort into it, if not then that’s not fair to him either he deserves love just like you do, you’re blessed to have a man love you and your kids . Hope it works out for you guys
I expected to feel negatively about this post but after reading it, I don’t. I think good for you, and your daughters and that you’re all lucky to have this man. And now a child between you. It’s a tough spot to be in I imagine & I wish I had advice.
You sound very ungrateful and just using this great honest loving man so you and your children can have a safe comfortable life. You want the cake and want to eat it by yourself. You need counseling. That man don’t deserve a wife who don’t love and cherish him as he’s doing with you. You won’t know what you’ve got until he’s gone. Take that part from a recent widow
I cannot believe some of the responses to this question. She never said he was unhappy or she was unhappy. She was asking a genuine question and the first thing I read is someone calls her horrible ?? Have you walked in her shoes or his ? What I hear her saying is that she wants to love him like he does her but is too damaged from the previous broken place.
To the original poster… my advice would be to go to therapy and try and figure out why you don’t feel for him like you want to. I have ptsd and it took an educated stranger I could talk to to figure out what is what. I pray you find your answers.
Did you received therapy after your abusive relationship? Your kids and yourself needed or need some guidance. A new husband won’t heal you…I’m sure he can make you feel safe but all those feelings and reason that you explained only show that you have unresolved issues. Your concept of love, friendship, safety and family has being tampered by your previous partner …and another partner is not going to help you. Seems to me that you need answers and you don’t know where to begin to look. I would suggest seeking therapy and don’t rush yourself taking decisions. That anxiety and uncertainty that you’re feeling is normal and is not gonna go away by it self. Hope things get better for you.
sounds like you are in love and might have a fairy tale idea in your head that isn’t sustainable or real.
You probably feel this way because there is peace rather than chaos in your life now and its boring for you.
You need therapy to understand and appreciate healthy relationships.
Bring God into your marriage and watch him work his wonders!
Spend some time looking into each other’s eyes…tell each other your fantasies and do some of them. Spend time cuddling and kissing. Put effort into the physical and it might help get those chemicals flowing
Please leave, find yourself and go write the greatest story you can. It is not fair to you or him to try and force yourself to love him.
I tried, my story is so similar, but 17 years longer
Leave , he will be hurt either way , but he can do ok
You will be hurt longer if you stay
The kids will think your relationship is the be all end all and you will secretly be resentful depressed and sad
U can’t force yourself to love someone or fall in love with someone. It doesn’t work…I’ve been there, tried and it just didn’t work.
Honestly, passion fades with time anyways. You may not ever be passionately in love with your husband. But it does sound like you love him, just not in a romantic way. Furthermore, it sounds like you’ve found a good husband, good father, and overall good human being to build a life with. And while it’s hard to let go of the fairy tale myth that we can all have a passionate love story, what you’ve found is just as valuable.
Sounds like you might already be in love with him & just don’t realize it yet, hang in there & tell yourself every day how great he is
We all lose feelings sometimes, I think you need to remember how amazing he has been & the fact he loves you or he wouldn’t have been there for all these year’s.
It may be time to rekindle, unwind…
Take a vacation or a overnight stay at a hotel (just the 2 of you)
Start from where you are & if no changes after a few month’s then it might be time to go from there