My husband has a child with his ex, she is 21 and was getting in trouble signed up for a sugar daddy site and going with old man out, smoking pot, doesn’t want to go to school or do anything meaningful, she straight up says that she is lazy doesn’t want to wake up for jobs, just sleeps and all day or on the phone. Since then we decided to invite her to move in with us may be a different scenery and our example would help her, but she came and is doing the same thing here, her boyfriend now wants to move in as well otherwise they’ll be on the street. The little money they get is spent on toys and games. What can we do how can we talk to them?! Is it mean to give them a deadline of getting their act together if not their out? We don’t want to be mean but at the same time don’t want to be enablers and cary grown ups on our backs.How would you approach this? Thank you for the help and replies.
Well 1st don’t allow the BF to move in. At 21 she can work fulltime and live on her own! Give her 30 days to find her own place. Make her sign an agreement. If she won’t agree kick her out. Its called tough love for a reason!
I wouldn’t let the boyfriend move in. Hell no. They will never leave if so. She is a different story. I would let her stay, but definitely enforce rules in your house. Even if she’s an adult, it’s your house.
Coming from a 21 y/o that was in the same position when I was 18-20… if you’ve done all you can do then that’s all there is to it. Tough love time and they may hate you for it but hopefully will eventually see why you did it. Can’t change in an environment that isn’t forcing you too.
Don’t let him move in that’s just asking for more problems !!! Give her some tough love and tell her it’s work and save up for your own place or move out!
No boyfriend would move in if she wanted to stay that’s fine but she would get a job and work
She’s 21…my 20 year old lives at home still but he goes to college AND works full time. She needs to grow up and she won’t if yall don’t stop
First don’t allow bf to move in. Explain to her if she wants the luxury of life she needs to get a job, get a car, and get her own place. If she doesn’t wanna go by your rules I’m sure she has friends she can mooch off of. Or maybe tell bf to provide for her. I have a daughter who is the same way she don’t care about nothing. Birthed 5 kids. I have first 2 a friend has 1 then the other 2 are in 2 different homes. These kids are 6,5,3,2 and 1 the one between 3&5 was a miscarriage and one more miscarriage. Praying for you
Hard head make a soft ass. Let her learn the hard way since she hard headed. Baby you can only lead them, not make them. Let her go find out how expensive life really is.
I know someone in a similar situation. They let the bf sleep in his car in the driveway, and they got home security, didn’t give her a passcode. Told her 11PM, it’s locked whether you’re in or not. $300 due at the end of the month, if it isn’t paid, you’re out. You have enough time to buy yourself a car and get a place. So far… so good… it’s been 2 months and after about a week of sleeping in the car the bf ended up joining the military and the daughter got a job.
Def no to the boyfriend. I’d say she always has a home to come to, he is not my child or responsibility. So what she does w that is her choice. She’s 21 give her a year or less to get a plan and get her own place. A month isn’t doable however 6 to a year is absolutely. If she wants to abide by whatever rules and help around the house while she saves money and does the right things then I’d say take even more time. Otherwise there’s the time frame. We need our parents support however there’s a difference in supporting to help us become stable adults and enabling.
She’s an adult, let her go n make her way in life
Who has custody of the child? Please tell me the father does.
I’m going through almost the same thing. Bout to be a deadline over here
She’s looking for a sugar daddy but has a bf that doesn’t even have his own place and wants to use you as well?. NO. JUST NO. Red flags everywhere. Sometimes you just gotta let them find reality by living it without interfering. A change of “scenery” isn’t going to fix this. You can support by the sidelines. Shes gotta figure it out and you babying her every step of the way isnt going to show her how to do anything productive.
Tough love period. And fuck her bf. You don’t owe neither one of them anything.
Well
I would take custody of the child and make them move on out.
Do not let boyfriend move in. Ever
Don’t let the boyfriend move in and give the 21 a couple of weeks to move into her own place with the boyfriend
Tell her she needs to get a job or go to school, if not, she should find somewhere else to live. Do not enable her but teach her. These are things that need to be taught at an earlier age for sure.
So what if she wants a sugar daddy?? She’s 21… 
I’m still stuck on invited to move in and thinking it would be different
Let her fall on her ass, and figure life out for her self. Helped me get my act together when I was rebelling.
Shes21 an adult as if she will change her friends and lifestyle if moves in with you Ya need to realise reality
This can’t be real lol
Just take custody of the kid she clearly doesn’t want it
I legit read this as of it was his ex You we’re moving in. 
anywho I wouldn’t let her stay unless she changed her ways. Tough love. She needs to get a grip on life. Definitely wouldn’t let the bf move in sounds like it would come down to them freeloading off of you.
Time for some tough love
Unless there is a written rental agreement there is no need for him to be there at all.
From what you’ve written it sounds like he will be the one on the streets without her/your family. I would give the 21 year old daughter the notion that she may remain in the house, maybe for a smaller set rent amount so she’s motivated but that depends on the situation & that you expect her to be respectful and contribute somehow. A deadline is also very fair for her to get it together. But in my opinion sometimes people need to hit rock bottom…. If she chooses to leave because you don’t allow the boyfriend, that is a decision that she is making for herself.
If you are set on helping them truly, I would explain that he has X amount of days to get on his feet, find a place to stay, etc… and that after that time he is no longer allowed. Be very, very careful however because in some states there are “squatters rights” and if you allow them in consensually, they can find ways to legally stay.
You could give a deadline. But do not let her bf move in. She’s 21…time for her to grow up.
Tell her to go home to her mother lol
No boyfriend moving in.Give her 6 to 12 months to get a job and move.
Dead line… Is the only answer. Otherwise this will continue until God knows when
Obviously the sugar daddy site wasn’t a hit.
Bye bye grow up time !
Give them the boot! Time to sink or swim 
She has no reason to change. She wants for nothing.
I read this whole thing wrong lol 
I thought you were talking about the ex wife, and you moved her in 
lol omg I need to go to bed or something.
Everywhere is hiring. They can both work a couple months and save for a place or she can pay you rent and follow house rules. Either way, no biyfriend.
I would definelty try to get her into some form of mental health. Sounds like a mental health issue not a lazy issue
Don’t let the boyfriend move in that’s on him, if she wanted to live there she has to get he act together! Sometimes Tough love is what changes people but right now you are just enabling them if you let them both live under your roof she needs responsibility’s
Start charging her rent even if it’s just a little bit and give her a deadline of when she needs to be gone.
This is not helping her.
Do NOT let him move in. You dont need to take care of 2
Shes 21 she can’t respect your stuff… oh well. DO NOT LET HER BOYFRIEND MOVE IN!
No boyfriend moving in unless she starts to act right.
I wouldn’t allow her bf to move in at all and I’d give her 1 month to find a job and if she doesn’t then she’s out too. If she does find a job I’d have her pay a certain amount for her share of rent/bills each month based on how much her job pays. Everyone is hiring, she can find a job within a month if she wants one.
Def something you should talk to your spouse about and not a bunch of strangers. It’s okay for some advise but all in all this is between the both of you.
Ok firstly maybe try getting her into seeing a therapist. As someone with bpd this sounds a lot like it. I wouldn’t allow the bf to move in but I’d definitely be trying to help her.
And just cuz she smokes pot doesn’t mean anything
But I’d be helping her to find a job even if its a midnight shift and helping her get on a schedule
If she wants to live and be with boyfriend she’ll set goals and work toward that with him. In the mean time set deadlines for finding a job, three months or so. And either set a goal for her to save a dollar amount in a years time or set an amount for her contribution to the house.
I don’t blame them… they’re depressed because they can’t afford shit even if they did work normal jobs…
Furthermore, she’s an adult and her boyfriend can move in with or without your permission. She is now a tenant and she has rights whether she pays rent or not.
This is mamas “uncut” so I’m just going to be uncut. Why the hell do you have your boyfriend’s bm living with you in the first place? Not your problem. Kick her out. What the hell is this crap. Ladies, get it together and do better. I see nothing in this post about a child. This is weird as hell. 
All u have to do is kick her out
she’s 21 give her the lesson the hard way. who’s paying for her phone etc? all that should be cut off if parents are paying for it
Tell them to pack up and get out. You are not helping her -
Tell her she has to apply her self and grow the fuck up… No way in hell would i let my kids boyfriend move in when she straight up says “im lazy” and does nothing to better her self… Give her a deadline… Her dad needs to be the one to say it to her too
He’s a sugar daddy? But can’t afford to live anywhere or will be on the street? Boy is she feeding you a line of bull shit.
Don’t let them mistake your kindness as a weakness. You teach people how to treat you. They should be thankful. Watch out for narcissism tactics
21 and still going to school ? .
All of you guys sound really dumb “don’t let her do this and don’t let her do that,”
You can’t treat her like a teenager… She’s 21. An adult.
Let the boyfriend move in. Charge them rent. Make them get renters insurance.
Let her phone get cut off. Cut off her lights and water if she doesn’t pay her portion…
Lock the fridge and make her go hungry until she gets her own fridge and her own food.
Give her a realistic reality check.
She is using the baby as a ace card. James
Don’t do it! We did it with 3 kids it just enabled them.
Does the electric company sit there and wonder if it’s mean to give you a due date? I kicked my own brother (who has a full time job) out because I’m not going to pay a grown adults bills.
They won’t change kick them out
Bye f3licia. Kicked out. She ain’t for money for a lawyer
Shes 21,what the heck
Don’t make it comfortable for her whatever you do don’t let him move in helping her is one thing but bring some guy alone to support also hell no give her ultimative get job go to school or move out she is grown you’re not helping her your holding her back
Time to sink or swim, they will never learn if they keep getting everything handed to them
Lmao I thought you meant his ex 
Kick her out and don’t help her financially until she is ready to come back and get her shit straight let her learn responsibility the hard way
If he is a sugar daddy, why does he need to live with you guys?!! Sounds like she is with a bum and not a sugar daddy. I’d kick her out and let her learn the hard way. At the very least I would never allow him to move in. That’s absurd. You’re still the parent regardless of their age and your house = your rules. If she doesn’t like it she can leave.
Tell her if she doesn’t want to get a job or study that she will have to move out. Don’t let her boyfriend move in tell her maybe if you see a change in her attitude. Mean what you say too she won’t last on her own and will eventually start arguing with her mum again.
If they are not going to school full time tell them they will have to pay a portion of the rent and utilities. They are responsible for their own phones. If they are not willing to work and pay they need to leave
Possibly charge them a small rent amount Give them 30 days to get a job or go …….
Am I the only one who thought the husbands ex is the 21 year old?
Tough love is always harder on the parents. She doesn’t want to work and be lazy ?! Oh hell no !! For me she would be gone
Am I the only one that thought she was talking about the ex moving in and whatnot?
I though the same thing her husband ex
One word. Bitter! One or all! Haha.
Get a job within 30 days or GTFO.
Nah allow them to face the hash realities of life. Or set some ground rules
Let her figure it out on her own… In her own home.
Nothing wrong with consensual sex work, nothibg wrong with pot - dont judge her lifestyle but she definitely doesnt need to bum off you in the meantime of being young!
Tough love. Kick them out and tell them to get a job job.
Wait she said the girl had an older sugar daddy so why is he living there. If I’m not mistaken isn’t that why younger girls get a sugar daddy so he can pay for everything?? If I’m wrong someone correct me
Boundaries are NOT mean. They are the most loving thing you can do. They are full grown adults, their lives are their responsibility. Give a date specific deadline. It’s sink or swim time for her and her boyfriend.
First of all. She’s 21, she doesn’t wanna get out and do anything with her life than that’s on her. . She’s gotta learn the hard, also she can do what she wants. She’s an adult and yeah can’t control that. She’s gotta learn on her own. If she asks for help to get her life together than help, other then that, she has to learn and figure it out on her own. Some guidance given is a good move, but she’s gotta get majority of it.
Oh I wouldn’t let EITHER ONE move in. It’s really hard to get them out, and there may be legal obligations/implications. Just change the locks and give her the number of the homeless shelter. They can hook her up with other resources. After living there and/or a hotel room, she should be plenty motivated.
Not sure where she got the idea she can laze around all day, but definitely don’t enable her any more than you already have. She’s had three years since high school to get her act together. That’s enough coddling.
I wouldn’t let her in the house unless she had a job, and only for dinner once every couple of weeks to show her any life skills she missed along the way. These include: ironing, cooking, cleaning various things, laundry & stain removal, what to hand wash, air dry or dry clean, etc., cooking, setting and keeping a budget and any budget tips you can offer, investing in an IRA, 529 or a mutual fund for the future & emergencies, how to budget for rent, utilities, HOA fees, maintenance, etc. She should already know this if you’ve done your job as parents, but we can all use a refresher.
The shelter should hook her up with job resources, subsidized housing, food stamps, bus passes and Medicaid unless she gets or can afford healthcare on her own. Maybe teach her how to buy & maintain a car after a year of working and saving for one.
Find your backbones and learn to say NO. You can do it, and eventually she’ll thank you for it. Don’t compromise your own future and retirement by supporting your grown-ass daughter!
Call Dr. Phil…other than that slip probiotics into their cold beverages a couple times daily. Also demand they have mental evaluations if they want to continue to stay with you…for starters
Why would you let the bf move in give a time you have a job by this time and and out by this time tough love
This sounds like a whole lot of none of your business. Run. Fast and hard.
You let her move in… wut
Leave them on the streets.
21 yo is an adult.
Stop treating her like a kid.
By now, she should have enough common sense to make good decisions. She should be taking responsibility of her own life now, she should no longer be your responsibility.
What a mess… Show them the door…and quickly…!!!
Don’t let him move in and kick her out.
You have to set some type of boundaries!! If she did not have a job then, she will not get a job now. She is very comfortable in the life she is living. Not trying to be too judgmental, but sounds like she doesn’t need that kid. Your husband needs to file for emergency custody and you two need to get her out of there!!! Sounds like a boat load of trouble waiting to happen. Sometimes you have to push them out on their own to make them be successful. If someone babies one and hands them everything, they will use that as a crutch for as long as they can and continue to drain the person helping. Put her out!
Holy hell stop. For heavens sake she’s 21 and you admitted she’s the same way as she was before. Then you have boyfriend wanting to move in.
Damn woman get a brain and say no, and I’m talking about both of them.
Hope they don’t claim squatters rights.
That’s insane. There’s no way I’d allow a grown man to move in like that. Of course I’d always leave the door open for one of my children or his children as long as they are trying. Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom to realize keeping a steady job is vital to maintaining a healthy life style. She’s 21! She’s no longer a child. It’s time to cut the strings and allow her to go out into the world and make mistakes and learn. If someone is always there to pick up the pieces she will never learn. Do not let some strange man move in with you like that. I do research into crime and that’s a big NO NO. You have no idea who this man is or what his actual motives are…
She’s a 21 year old girl living her best life… let her do it. What she does isn’t anyone business.
If she’s 21 why is she getting in trouble for smoking or having a sugar daddy?
Start charging her rent. Just a small amount. Give her enough time to find a job. Or she can earn her keep by doing household chores. Don’t let her be a free loader. Either she steps up or moves out. Never let the bf move in. Then, you would have 2 lazy bums.