How should I feel about this?

My boyfriend & i have been together for 4 years. we have no kids together, but he came with one & i came with 3.
every year since we have been together, we have been invited to family christmas at his grandparents house. his grandparents are absolutely amazing people! my kids & i have always been treated like family & felt the love & support from them. hell, his grandma gave him her first engagement ring from his grandfather (she gets an upgrade every 5 years) for him to propose to me - like i said, they have always loved me & my babies.
my boyfriend & i hit a rough patch before thanksgiving - i packed all of my & my kids stuff & we moved out for a month while my boyfriend & i worked on our relationship & communication. after a month, lots of talking, honesty, etc. me & my kids are moved back in & our relationship is going GREAT!
however, my kids & i have been excluded from the family christmas at his grandparents house & was told “maybe next year”….
my boyfriend & his daughter are currently at the family christmas, while the rest of us are at home.
how the heck should i feel about it, cause i’m feeling soooo many different emotions! towards the grandparents, toward my boyfriend for still going, toward my kids cause i feel bad….

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I feel about this?

He’s told them shit about you as to why you broke up I’d say

That would not sit well with me at all.

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No, that’s wrong I would feel upset and it’s a little disrespectful.

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If course he was going to go :roll_eyes: u can’t get mad at that and so what spend time with your kids , maybe they didn’t want drama maybe he told them what happened between you 2 and they decided maybe next year

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your boyfriend didn’t assert himself and tell him that he would stay home, and not go without you and yours. He’s “boyfriend” material, nothing more. This is his grandparents way of telling both of you that.

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I d tell him if he went w/o me , to stay there!!

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It seems a tad harsh to me. Why are you being excluded from xmas for having a month break to work on your relationship which is none of their business at all.

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I would never spend time away from my bf, it wouldn’t feel like Christmas

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Are you sure that the “maybe next year” came from the grandparents and not your boyfriend? On another note, why are y’all sitting at home and not at your family’s home?

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I would be packing my stuff n going n telling him well if u cant stay with us and defend us at occansions like this there will ne no us as christmas is meant to be for family n partners not singling one partner out n her kids all cause i moved out for a month to work on our relationship to make it better for us n all our children

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Should have stayed there and never moved out cause if you both decide to marry are you going to bounce out every time you have a rough patch.

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Seems like he might have told gma a lot…

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Grandparents are not the problem. He is the problem to take only his daughter and leave his family behind

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Honestly it’s wrong for him even going with out you and all the kids. It just shows pure disrespect on their part and his. Maybe next year…that’s harsh.

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It sounds like they weren’t expecting you or your kids to be there for Christmas this year. They probably didn’t buy y’all any gifts. It may have been a “we’ll see how this works out” or “we really don’t want to hurt their feelings when everyone else is opening gifts and they’re left out” or hell, maybe a mix of both. To me, with the title of “boyfriend” it’s not that big of a deal. If y’all were married, then yes… feel upset. But since y’all are only boyfriend/girlfriend and just started working on things again, they may just be trying to save the peace, if that makes sense.

All that being said, i hate it when someone tries to dismiss my feelings when I’m upset about something. I’m not trying to do that, just trying to give you a different viewpoint. I hope you and your kids have a very Merry Christmas despite this hiccup. :heart:

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Your boyfriend should make it clear either the whole family is invited or none at all. That’s a terrible way to start a relationship. He is not husband material only BF.

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Well to be fair u packed and left 1st to “work” on yr communication!!! Like u couldn’t do that while u lived together.??.u totally bailed on him n his kids …I don’t blame him 4 going still.

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I’d let him come home to an empty house. That’s bullshit

You moved out and left the relationship. The grandparents now see you as someone who isn’t committed to their grandson and his child. They want to make you prove your loyalty and trust as a family member by saying let’s wait til next year.

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Maybe his family is afraid to get hurt by getting close to you and the kids and spending money on gifts for all of you when they aren’t sure you are going to stay since it was recent. You two might be over your issues but they might need a bit more time. Not saying it’s right or wrong, just another perspective.

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You don’t just pick up where you left off if you broke up and you moved out of the home lol and if you weren’t together when invitations went out then that invitation doesn’t extend to you and your children now you’re back… would you expect to be invited if you had been together for a month? Of course not. Pretty it go

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Well you packed your bags and left for a month and if you plan on doing that every time y’all had a rough patch then the grandparents don’t want to be a part of that drama. If he did tell them everything going on it probably put them in an uncomfortable position. Next time the both of you hit a rough patch how about trying to work it out instead of moving out because if that’s what it looks like now and that’s what you will both look like every time if you get married and the family doesn’t want to be a part of that and I don’t blame them. This happened to me over 25 years ago when me and my ex-husband kept going back and forth and trying to work things out and there was a time I missed out on family functions for a little while because both of us did need to get our crap together. I didn’t like it but I understood it because it would have been awkward for me too going back so soon and acting like nothing happened. By the time I went back I didn’t no longer feel awkward and a little time had passed. It may not have worked out for us a couple of years later but I think this is a good wake up call for both of y’all to learn to quit running away and work on your relationship the correct way if you are going to be a married couple still down the road. I honestly think you’re not looking at the grandparents side of it and you need to have another talk with your boyfriend and sit down and ask him to keep this between yourselves next time y’all hit a rough patch but everybody needs somebody to talk to and apparently it was them . Sometimes you need to look at it from the other standpoint of the people who are on the sidelines. There is always two sides to every story.

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I get the feeling it’s him not them. .

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He must have told them something during the break. Now they see you differently.

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I would feel so many emotions too
I’m sorry you and your kids got excluded. So sad

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Why cant u, ya partner an ur children have ur own family Christmas together xx

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something sounds odd. if this is the case i would bever see them again.

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This seems like he trash talked you majorly and never went back and said he lied. I doubt it gets fixed unless he owns up to saying things that were untrue.

He shouldn’t have went without you. That’s absolutely terrible!!

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He will forgive you a lot faster than them! They will probably eventually forgive you, but it will take time. My mom used to say “don’t tell me when someone makes you mad because you’re going to forgive them, but I’ll still hate them!” :joy::joy::joy:. They are just being protective of him!

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He should not have went. Period

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It’s an unfortunate consequence of relationship troubles. Especially those to the extreme of leaving. His grandparents have every right to insert the boundaries they’re comfortable with. When you’re in a close knit family, and relationships are publicly rocky this can come with the territory.

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Did he tell you or was it them?? What did he tell them to make them do this?? Even if you moved out you guys were still together and working it out. I personally think it’s rude. I’d be pissed and probably never go back.

I think you should understand since everything is fresh. The family likely needs time to assess their own emotions. When you are so closely embedded in the family, if you split you want to make it as amicable as possible to help the babies with and the family with the transition. I wouldn’t tell my children they’re uninvited, I would just tell them that this year we are eating home.

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I’d be pissed, start doing your own at home

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Me & my bf of 3 years have got mad at each other left each other came back several times in the beginning but neither one of our families have ever said me nor him wasn’t invited anywhere … I’m not going anywhere my spouse isn’t welcome at !

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I’m an over thinker which is bad, but I have know clue how the fight started and what made you move out but it seems like maybe he made that happen so he has an excuse to not have you around for Christmas, maybe his child’s mom or something will be there, do they talk? Do you know her? It seems odd to me that you wouldn’t be invited everyone fights, nobody is perfect, but I would be pissed at him not the grandparents

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Are you sure he didn’t invite another female to Christmas Dinner? Ijs something ain’t right here.

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There is more to this story… did you do something and he told them that why you separated???

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Sounds like he has caused this honestly

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Quite honestly, it could just be that they didn’t have gifts for your kids given the timing and didn’t want them to feel excluded when there? Like it seems like rough timing.

Maybe don’t look too much into it. Personally, I would have appreciated very much if the boyfriend then pressed a united front and didn’t go himself. However, it’s worth a conversation if things are great to ask why he went. Because maybe he did it for his kid. Maybe invite the grandparents over to your house a day after Christmas to have your own Christmas together :woman_shrugging:t2:

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The boyfriend is the cause. I’d want to know what he told the family. The problem with splitting up especially when you move out is the amount of negativity discussed with friends and family as well as the blame game/playing victim. Whatever he told them made them change their opinion of you.

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If my girl ain’t welcome, I’m not going

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Sounds like they aren’t sure y’all are gonna be sticking around and don’t want to put the effort in if you’re not. Relationship struggles can become an entire family issue sometimes. He needs to talk to his family about it and help them understand it wasn’t a sign y’all were breaking up, it was so y’all could become healthy again. They took it wrong and that’s on them. It wasn’t their business in the first place.

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Absolutely not.
It’s not for them to judge, y’all decided to work things out and that means you’re a package deal. I’d be furious with him for going and giving any image to the contrary. And very suspicious of what he’s said to make it seem that would be appropriate.

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I would do some talking with my man and find out why? I would think about it and do something with just me and my kids at my family’s house and give him a Maybe next year bull shit… if I am not going he isn’t going… I had this problem before with mine because his ex wife was always there trying to entertain Hjm over the kids…

Ouch!!!
I’d be pissed, hurt, upset and confused too!

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Well, I understand that it’s sad,but his daughter shouldnt be excluded from Christmas with her grandparents. Y’all still have repairs to do in the relationship, this had nothing to do with any of the kids (so yes I understand why your hurt they didn’t invite y’all) but you don’t know what he was saying to them to make them decide it’s best to go on without y’all.

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What did he tell them?

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Seems more to the story ? They have loved her for 4 years, 1 break and now they don’t ??

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Maybe you were excluded because the grandparents didn’t have time to get gifts, food, ect. for four extra people at the last minute?

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I would be hurt, angry, and asking him what he told them and why he doesn’t see y’all as family. Enough to take a stand and make sure you and the kids aren’t hurt.

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I think you feel abandoned, and rightfully so. If you weren’t invited, he shouldn’t have gone. Solidarity is important in a relationship.

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My bet is the grandparents didn’t buy for you and your kids and weren’t able to do it last minute. So rather than have you all there and the kids feel excluded because of the lack of gifts, they decided to only have him and his daughter come. There is also a trust issue because you and he may have worked it out but you were still the one who left. Obviously he made them feel as if you two were separated for more than working on communication…and as a parent, I would struggle to trust for awhile after that.

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Wow! You hurt them too. But, more important…why would he go without the woman he loves???
It ain’t a relationship until he lives you and accepts everything about you and your children. Get out before it’s too late and continue to try to communicate because he ain’t ready to fully commit to you. Honestly I’d just go and not look back if it were me. It sounds like a very confusing mess.

Any man who loves his woman would never leave her behind!!

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Well first of all it sounds like to many people know about your business and what went on in your relationship. If it was a serious break up then he can share with the family, and don’t need to go to the party. They didn’t plan for any of you to be there so it’s rude just to show up expecting everything to be normal. When family is involved everyone goes through the break up, not just you. So in the future keep your business between the 2 of you and not with everyone in the family.

Well if he wanted you back and had you come back that means you guys are a family again and that’s what he should had told his grandparents if they aren’t welcome then he and his daughter wouldn’t be coming as well . That’s wrong of him to leave them behind cause if there doing this now it will continue there probley mad cause you moved out but you guys did it for a good reason to see if things could be fixed and you did fix them they should except you like always .

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“Maybe next year” :grimacing::grimacing::grimacing: I would never go again…. I’m shocked your boyfriend went anyways without you, mine wouldn’t. If I’m not welcome, he wouldn’t WANT to go.

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you need understand they felt a bond break to! it could be as simple as not planning enough but it could also be they thought you where a forever thing and now they are unsure and want to tread lightly! I understand feeling left out or hurt but I think … this response would be one I’d want in way y’all are just working it out would you rather they smile in your face and pretend they aren’t effected if relationship doesn’t work out!

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Either he told them something not to like you or they just thought it was over and didn’t have gifts for the kids and didn’t want them to feel left out.

Timing maybe?, mine wouldn’t go with out us or he wouldn’t get invited we would but yeah timing like for gifts and Kai but even still use have been together a minute so you’d think they’d still have presents for them there clearly was a bond. I reckon he talked shit 🤷

Did the grandparents see the children during the estrangement period? Just asking if maybe inadvertently you started the rift. One month is a long time if it was such a close bond before. Maybe they felt like U left them too.

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I don’t think it has anything to do with the grandparents, it’s the boyfriend. He probably put the blame on his grandparents because he didn’t want her there! He probably lied to his grandparents as well as to why she wasn’t there! I’d dump his a**!!

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If the tables were turned and he wasn’t invited ask him how he would feel. Wow is all I can say if my boyfriend was excluded I wouldn’t go. Sounds like too me when you split he probably sh*t talked you and made it look it was all your fault :sleepy: why you split. Communication is the key you need to talk to him and tell him how YOU feel about it. Or I for see another split :thinking:

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Grandparents often have old school values. You guys aren’t married. Maybe before the continue investing time,money,&gifts… they want to see if you guys are really okay. They asked for time when they said maybe next year. You can’t expect everyone to be on the same timeline as you when it comes to healing or forgiveness

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He needs too be home with you and the kids. If he wants to be a part of this family you and the kids should be first especially at Christmas.He is hurting your kids.

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I don’t think that’s right at all. I’m sorry this has happened.

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My Ex and I were together for 6 years and we broke up right before Thanksgiving, we did Thanksgiving and Christmas together with both families and there had been a few months of rough patches that the time. And both families knew we broke up.

You don’t know what he said about you or how it was presented to them. AFTER the holidays invite the grandma to have coffee at a neutral place, such as a restaurant; not her home or yours! Discuss CALMLY the situation, not placing blame, get her side and give yours. Good luck and have a Merry Christmas.

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Maybe next year goes both ways, sanctions are for countries that misbehave not families that have “rough patches”

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He should have been at home with you all!!! I wouldn’t explain anything because ateotd it’s nobody’s business

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Put yourself in their shoes. In twenty or thirty years, you will likely be in this situation. Your childs spouse, packs up themselves and their children. Moves out. Then moves back a month later and wants to pretend like nothing happened. These people sound like very good people, up until you decided to walk out, instead of work it out. They are more than likely hurt and not necessarily by anything you said, but by the turmoil that all of the children just went through because of your actions.Your boyfriend should go to dinner, they were probably the ones supporting him when you left. Give them time!

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They probably got scared and felt hurt… like they got attached to you and the kids so when y’all split up they felt that too. Maybe talk to them about what changed?

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I would be upset. And if invited would decline… say I was hurt to be excluded, our personal relationship argument wasn’t your business, unless we actually split up… nor was it any of the children’s fault… maybe next year…

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Maybe he doesn’t know if the relationship is even going to work after you left and has expressed these thoughts to the grandparents. If I were you I would’ve just made different plans- could you not have made plans with your family? And even if you couldn’t you can still plan fun activities with the kids so theyre occupied…you just moved back together so maybe he doesn’t feel things are back to normal and it’s going to take time. when he comes back tell him your feelings without getting mad

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Makes me wonder what he has said behind closed doors because my boyfriends parents would still invite me there even if we were actively broken up because they have no issues with me

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It could easily be because they didn’t expect you to be there since you broke up and moved out. You just moved back in. They were not expecting you or your kids.

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Being with someone who has kids makes things emotional for the entire family. Sounds like his grandparents got attached to you and your children and then when you left it hurt them to lose you all and when you came back they got worried it could happen again and now they are afraid to be close again. Not to mention that they probably didn’t have gifts for you all if they expected you could still be apart. I don’t see it wrong that he went. It has been his family all his life. Now had you two been married and in a good place and not split a month I could understand being upset but I don’t see things wrong on his side or his families. Now as to why you took your 3 kids and left for a month, I don’t get why you couldn’t have worked things out in the same house. That isn’t good for the kids to not have a stable living situation thinking they could be stuck living elsewhere again. I would suggest waiting a while before thinking about tying the knot if you cannot work things out in the same house now how do you expect to do it while married. I know people who have split and got back together and it worked but in my mind I’m either in it or I’m out

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he must have told them something about you/your relationship to upset them maybe ?
i would be heartbroken :disappointed:

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Create your own fun and you’ll go next year
I mean you don’t know what kinds of plans they made while you had packed up and left
Why should things revolve around you?
Just let him go and you do your own thing then y’all shall be together again next year

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They don’t trust you any more and are not willing to buy you or your kids gifts for the simple reason they think you’ll move out again…he may have thrown you under the bus to his parents…so their thinking you’ll jump on the bus and head out at anytime…again…

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Are you 100% sure that’s where he and his child went?? If so, then not cool to exclude you & your kids.

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It was none of their business if you and your boyfriend separated for a little while.

Banning you from their home was horrendous.

You didn’t know those people as well as you thought you did. And if you weren’t welcome at their home your boyfriend shouldn’t have gone either.

You’d better find someone else or get ready to be walked on like a doormat.

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Not right at all. What happened isn’t their business! If I was him I’d have stayed home or said it’s all of us or none. Maybe he isn’t in this as much as you are :slightly_frowning_face:

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I would never get over that. I guess it depends on what the fight was over, but they knew it would be something hard to get over when they chose to exclude you.

How long were you gone for? Maybe he is taking another woman there this time🙆

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Your relationship isn’t their business and you guys resolved your issues and they’re still excluding your children who have come to see them as family I’m assuming and that’s painful to see as a parent. Your feelings are valid and they probably have hurt feelings about the situation but they’re responsible for communicating that, not shutting you and your kids out .

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Well, I guess they hold it against you for leaving him that time. I think it’s very childish of them to act like this and I think if you were not invited, he should not have gone either. I would have thought they would have been proud that you two got things worked out. I would not go next year either. That’s just me.

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Sounds like he messed with somebody else and he going to her parents house this year and y’all ain’t invited. Unless he talked bad about you to his grandparents cause grandparents Usually don’t just act like that for a month breakup how would they even know y’all broke up for a month?!

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I think he told them some really bad things about you to gain favor from them and blame you for the relationship issues and now you’re Back they are thinking you only came back so you could get Christmas from them and him for you and your kids and after the holidays you will just vamp again. Just my opinion

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There are 2 sides to every story and I think he has told his family his “version”. Make the most of the time just you and your kids. Make your own memories. Xx

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How long have guys been back together? If you guys separated just days before Thanksgiving and have only been back together for a week or so maybe it’s because they didn’t get gifts for you and your kids and they didn’t want you to feel excluded due to that and they are just poor at communicating. Maybe they said “maybe next year” because they are uncertain you are going to be around because you guys did separate for a little bit. Or maybe it is what everyone else is saying. Which could be true as well.

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I think what’s missing in a lot of these comments is the fact that his parents are permitted to have boundaries. Since the issue between the two of you was severe enough that you decided to move out it’s not surprising that his extended relatives might be a little hesitant about jumping back in with both feet.

Respect the fact that while you may be in the process of resolving issues, others may not be prepared. Honor the boundaries and let things run their course. One Christmas isn’t going to ruin a relationship forever unless you let it.

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I would rather spend Christmas with my kids than anything else

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Sorry but what Dicks :roll_eyes:

It maybe them trying to show you that they can control situations, people show their true colours in times of trouble, Good Luck with handling this issue, but whatever you do, stay dignified, you have done nothing wrong as far as I can see. :hibiscus:

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If he went to celebrate Christmas without you, than your relationship is not going as great as you think. I’d repack up and leave :woman_shrugging:t3:

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I’d be splurging on all kinds of fun stuff for my kids to do that day. Order out. Play games and make your OWN CHRISTMAS from now on because I’d be damned if I went to the grandparents ever again.