My step son is 6 now and his father got full cousdy for many reasons Jan 2020 their mother just isn't fit. She has supervisted visitations court ordered at a village house in r Town. She lives in IL and we live in OH. She has came down for 2 day visit and only showed up for one of the days and bailed on the 2nd. It's now been about 14 months since she's seen them in person. She'll video call once every 2 or 3 weeks. She hasn't sent them their Christmas gifts or anything for their birthday. Didn't even call my SS on his birthday bc she was getting her hair and nails done🙄🤦♀️ my SS keeps asking her if she can send few of his presents to them she got from Christmas of last yr and his birthday gift. And she just says no they will be at her house. However these supervisted visitations aren't going away. The case is closed. Least for now. R lawyer said if she wants to reopen it she has to pay all her fines that she refuses to pay and they r about 2k to 3500. She claims she's married but wouldn't give courts any info bout her guy she's with as requested. She just don't put up a fight for these 2 kids. Her actions show she doesn't care.
However each time my SS ask for his stuff he gets a upset look. He just wants something from his birth mother.
He use to be the easiest boy always laid back always listen just went with the flow kinda kid he was so calm …
Now his behavior has changed he won’t listen he don’t get his chores done anymore he crys to get his way he’s being mean to all his siblings hitting more then anything taking stuff away from his 2 yr old brother. Ect.
His dad believes his behaviors r changing bc the neglect of his birthmother not showing she cares bout his birthday or anything.
How can we help him understand we got him with whatever he needs. He’s a sweet little boy I’m not asking for a perfect kid just want advice how to help him. They were both in counseling to make sure they truly understood everything. And we explained it best we could.
We can’t make her change. When they have video calls she shows off both her brand new jeep and truck her new house she just got. She doesn’t work and we believe her guy she’s with is doing something illegal. Bc one day all this stuff just appeared. She’s also addicted to oxy and other pills. She’s never passed drug test.
Anyways point is how do we help r little boy show good behavior like he use to and not act out bc the actions of his birth mother.
You cannot. He is hurting and nothing you say is going to fix it. He needs a counselor, a disinterested third party to tell his feelings too. Your other option is to tell her she is hurting her child, she may not mean to but she is. Probably won’t matter to her. Or you could offer to get him gifts and tell them they are from her, just make sure she knows in advance.
My half brother was abandoned by his mother and left in the care of our dad. It really took a toll on him during the first few years. It’s important to remind him that he still has plenty of people who love him and that even though you’re not his birth mother, you will always love and protect him and you will never leave him. Also, this might be a stretch but he may benefit from counseling.
Therapy, being consistent and reassuring him he’s loved and cared for by you. Children act out instead of talk out. And therapy helped a lot even tho it didn’t feel like it at first w my boys. It’s gonna take time they feel abandoned and aren’t expressing it like we would.
My son has not seen his mother since he was 2 (17). It was hard at first but just keep loving him and being there. It is truly her loss and he will adjust with love and you just being there. The love you have e shows in just posting this.
My son doesn’t see his father either it’s the fathers choice. I have my son in counseling it has helped his behavior a lot. Just let him know u and the dad love him and are there no matter what. Maybe dad can do something fun with him 1 on 1.
I have 2 step daughters who were early teens when their mom stopped showing up. Early therapy and lots of love, patience and reassurance on your end is the best bet. There are alot of therapist for kids who do play therapy and help them navigate big feelings. No one should feel that way especially a child sending you lots of love
This post shows just how much you care about this little boy.
If he’s already in counseling, the only other thing you can do is be there for him and support him. Maybe take him on a “mommy/son” date. Talk about his feelings. Let him recognize them and validate him. Let him know that it’s okay to feel the way he does and that you guys are going to work together to help him handle those feelings in a good way.
Sooner or later he will see who is really there for him. I’m not sure what to say to help but I will say just be there for him. Try to hug him or and tighter. So him he has all the support he will ever need. I live that you are trying.
Among other things such as counseling I would buy a few gifts here and there and say they are from the bio mom… I know that will probably blow up in your face but that’s where I have no more advice… he will learn later in life
My dad lives 20 mins down the road ,never has he been a father …BUT its OK…
The love of one genuine parent is enough
My mom is all I’ve ever needed
From experience I’d keep that child away from a toxic parent! Memories last a life time ,don’t allow them to be negative, they will work it all out for themselves one day
Just continue doing what y’all have already done. Y’all are doing a good job and hopefully your ss will stop acting out soon. Just PLZ make sure that you never say anything bad about his birth mom in front of him.
If anything I would go to courts and try to revoke her visitations. She’s causing more harm than good. As to help him cope, write a letter from her to him, telling him she loves him but can’t be with him now and she loves him very much but he needs to stay strong. And include a few gifts from her to him with the letter with a “I’m sorry this took so long”.
Get your son a shrink . Went through the same exact thing with my stepson . Mother promising the world and it never happens. My stepson is now 40 . The only one he counts on is me. I have never promised anything and not followed through. He has a lot of issues because of his mother . He now understands she had him and was the egg donor. Nothing more . Get him help now before it does permanent damage. Cut off all contact with the mother until the kids are grown . This way she can’t continue to lie snd hurt the kids
It is going to take him a while to accept that his mother don’t want to be fully involved in his life. He is really hurt over that. Keep reassuring him that you will always be there, you’re not going anywhere. Tell him how much you love him. One day he will be ok that his birth mom is not in his life. It will take some time but he will get there
This was situation when my son was young .So u went to the courts and took all rights away . I figured no hope was better than false hope. Its my job to protect him from all evils even if its his blood. I didn’t want my son who was anyone’s convenience. He wasn’t going to be sitting on the porch waiting for what was never going to happen. Hus farther passed by time he was 6. My son got therapy .He is now a thriving 28 year old he has no daddy issues I’m glad to say.
Is there no way that the court can put a stop to the video calls until she keeps up her act? I know she has rights but honestly she is doing him more harm. She is showing off to a child, who thinks he is missing out.
Kids are like plants that you pour love over, you cant do much about acceptance of abandonment, that is for later on in life when and if they choose to seek repairative therapy, but like any plant, they turn and grow towards the light so just keep pouring the love
Consistency. Cut off the video chats unless they are court ordered. She’s never living up to her promises which is damaging to a child. If she wants communication, she’ll drive that new jeep up to IL for a visit. Sorry you have to deal with that
Therapy and it will probably take a year or longer but stay consistent with him in it. Keep reassuring him that you and his dad love him very much. Plan 1 day a month to do something special with just him. Also I’d stop the video visits unless thats specific in the orders.
I am a great grandma and have never been through anything like this. I think what I would do is ask a judge to revoke her rights and adopt him. I think then he might feel more love from you and come to realize that she doesn’t.
Good luck. This is so sad. How can a parent do what she is doing. She does not deserve a child like that to love her.
So my brother went thru a similar situation with his ex. He was awarded custody of his children and his ex basically walked away from their children. She never paid child support, would rarely show up for her scheduled visitation weekends (always had excuses), rarely called the children, made promises that she knew she couldn’t and wouldn’t follow thru on. My brother, my mother and I did our best to reassure them that they were loved. They were 7, 9 and 10 when parents divorced. My brother was killed in a car wreck 4 years later. Mother…and I use that term very loosely…did not fight for custody. My mother and I were awarded custody. We continued to assure them that they were loved very much. She rarely saw them or called them. The relationship has been strained for years. It has been a nightmare to say the least.
The only advice I can give is just keep reassuring your stepson that he is loved, that he is important, but that his bad behavior is not ok. Acting out is his way of coping with his mother turning her back on him so some sort of therapy may benefit him.
Bless you for being there for him!
I would also document everything. I agree with going back thru the court system to revoke her visitation. Maybe one day she will see the harm she is doing to her relationship with her son and change. It does appear that something needs to be done to wake her up for the child’s sake.
At his age talking to him helps but only so much… show him that he is loved and as he gets older he will appreciate what you do and worry less about his bio mother. Buy him an extra gift from you, not from bio mom. Let him know that you wanted to show him that he is special. Take him for Frozen yogurt or walks, trips to the park… any extra things that he enjoys to help distract him from his thoughts. Show him that he is not missing out by her not being around.
His hurt may be coming out as anger. I would try speaking with him and encourage him to express his feelings. Let him know his feelings are valid and that you understand. Show him ways he can let his anger, hurt, frustration out in good ways. He is young so he doesn’t fully know how to express and handle these big emotions. Taking him to a therapist can help as well. He will be taught coping skills and will have someone to talk to.
I wouldn’t allow her to keep hurting him. I would cut off all communication & buy him gifts and say they are from her. Him talking to her is doing more damage than good, because he’s constantly reminded of the neglect. He’s looking for something that she will never give him and that’s making him angry because he’s just a child and he doesn’t understand.
Me and my brother went through this with our mom when we were little. My best advice, keep being there for him, love him, let him know he can talk to y’all about anything with no judgement and no getting upset. Get him set up with someone to talk to, counselor for example. Keep him busy to help keep his mind off of it. First and foremost be as honest as you can about the situation, put it in terms he will understand without making it sound like your bashing his mom. He is hurt and angry, probably feels like his mom doesn’t love or want him.
I know this will sound a bit selfish, could you buy him something off of like Amazon have it mailed to your house and pretend she sent it to him? I know that’s unfair for you and his dad but maybe that would lift his spirits. She will regret not being in his life one day. I just want to say thank you for being the step up mom, I know he wants his mom but he is lucky to have you as his extra mom
It’s a vary sad emotional road , what he needs from you is age appropriate honesty and as much consistency as possible. I adopted my nephew and niece and same with the birth mom she faded away and we gave her every opportunity to be there but she made her choice. I just did my best and always told the truth . I also always keep her in the best light possible as well but kept it age appropriate honest but stating she did love them she just loved different then we did . It was hard when tbe got older and as adults meet with her , she lied and said it was us who keep her away but my kids knew better because I never lied to them ( still dont ) so they had that to count on . It takes time and consistency. Good luck . Dont make lousy excuses for her it wont pay off .
So sad. The idea of buying gifts and saying they are from his mother sounds good, but I’m afraid it may backfire and he may not trust you after that. Trust is very important. I think you and his dad should sit down with him and start out by telling him how much you love him. Share reasons with him why you love him. Be specific. Assure him that he has done nothing wrong that would cause his birth mom not to be in touch consistently or to not give gifts (she probably doesn’t have any). Try and explain that she not be able to call, give gifts etc. Not sure how to do this part, maybe think of some kind of comparison he could relate to understanding. But whatever you do, do not ever tell, let him overhear or indicate that his mom doesn’t care for him or love him (let him realize that kind of thing on his own as he gets older, my son did). As much as he can understand, explain things may change in the future. Tell him you know this bothers and hurts him and it’s OK to feel sad and even angry, but, there are different ways to express his feelings than the way he has been. Tell him when he starts to feel that way to come to you and let you know. Tell him you won’t be mad. You love him and you hurt also when he is hurting because you love him. As far as what to do when he comes to you, you can talk and acknowledge his feelings. You know him and can decide what he can do with his anger that would be more acceptable. Just keep reinforcing your love for him. He’s only 6 and so young to understand how unfair this world can be. Sorry this is so long😔. God bless you🤗 and best of luck in remedying this situation.
My daughter used to ask for her biological father, after he bailed. It’s been 5 years now since he has seen her, I promise it gets easier. I would suggest asking him what it is that he wants from his mom and address it that way. See what he says. And honestly, if she is just popping in and out via video calls, I’d put an end to it all together. That shit does damage to a child.
First off I would not put the video calls through. If birth mom wants in there life’s she would come to visitations. I think you wouldn’t have anything to worry about because she obviously just wants to stir the pot and make trouble for you. I hate it when parent’s use children or just up and dessert their children. Sit down with your SS and explain the reason he has not received Xmas and birthday presents is because she probably doesn’t have anything for him. Explain her behavior is terrible and not what you want for him. Also his being mean to his siblings or anyone else is the same type of behavior his mom is putting him through. Explain the type of behavior that is not only expectable but expected. Also get him some therapy to learn how to cope with out bad behavior. Good luck and God bless.
Honestly, and most people will hate on this BUT maybe get a gift and put it in a box? Maybe even mail a Amazon gift to your house with his name on it and say it’s from her. Since they don’t communicate much he will forget to even bring it up and if he does, she might just go along with it. When he’s older and if he finds out he will understand you did it because you love him and didn’t want to see him hurting. Idk but that’s just one opinion. I hope whatever you decide helps him and your family!
Be his mum and his friend the egg donor has no interest don’t force the child to have anything to do with her, start living the life u all deserve let her make the moves to contact the child. Don’t lie to him and move forward all ur focus Atm is on her and what she’s doing and not doing. Forget her and focus on the child and his needs but don’t bad mouth her in front of him.
Stop the video chats … unless court approved…talk to the courts and just have her rights removed and ask him if you can be his mommy and adopt him … if she isn’t doing what the courts have already said it wouldn’t be hard
Cut off all all video/phone calls with the bio mom. And stand firm that she can see son when she comes for visitation and at no other times unless the court oder specifically states she has to have calls/video chats.
She doesn’t show to in person visits, doesn’t follow through - document all of this - it can be used against her in the event you ha e to go back to court.
As far as his behaviors… he sounds like he is really struggling. Please seek counseling for him. His behaviors are a cry for help. Hug him a little tighter and help him regulate. He needs you and dad more now than ever before.
Definitely continue counseling!
Also, stop the random phone calls.
If the calls are ordered the court, then when she calls, have him speak to her.
But don’t mention to him that it’s her day/time to call. Just wait to see if she calls.
Each time she doesn’t follow through on her visits, document it.
Eventually dad can take her to court for contempt.
The coming in and out of his life is harming him, both emotionally and psychologically.
He needs to see a child therapist. Divorce is hard on adults that know the reasons for the split and the behaviors and actions of the other person, can you imagine how hard it is on a little soul that has no idea and no way of even beginning to comprehend it? The bio has a lot of growing to do and right now, she isn’t ready to be a mom. It so hard to watch someone you love just crumble because of something out of your control; but you can talk to him. He may not understand everything, but he will understand most of it. My husband and I went through a similar situation with my oldest bonus son (6 at the time). We picked him up one summer, and when it was time to go back to school, she’d decided that she enjoyed her freedom more and didn’t want him to come back home. The first couple months were a struggle. He’d just sit on the floor and cry and all I could do was wrap my arms around him and remind him that even though I wasn’t his mom and I’d never try and replace her, that our bond was special because I didn’t have to love him, I chose to love him just like he was one of my own kids and I reminded him that when I married his dad, I married him too. His problems were now my problems, instead of only having 2 people in his corner, he now has 3. I explained that his mom had to work somethings out but that she would never stop loving him. The calls slowly stopped coming in an the anger turned to hurt and we got him counselling and we never left his side. We just loved him through it. There were a few things that people might say was unconventional, but as a parent, you do what you feel is right at the time and when they are older, they understand, because they see it all. There were a couple times that’d we’d just put a gift card or some money in a birthday card/easter/christmas card etc and mail to him. We wouldn’t sign it and we wouldn’t leave a return address; but we would get excited with him and say since she couldn’t pick something out for you, she wants you to pick something out for yourself, from her! Those little things got us through the first year and as he bounced back, she just faded to a mere memory. We are still waiting on the day she shows back up, but he’s 17 now and I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he’s grown into and we have an amazing relationship. I cried the other day when he was in the laundry room and yelled, “Mom! I can’t find my practice jersey, have you seen it?” He’s always called me by my first name and I’ve always been more than okay with that, but when he called me mom, I did, I cried. You will get through this as a family and your relationship with him will come out stronger than you could ever imagine. Good Luck!! Please don’t hesitate getting him a counselor or into therapy. Divorce is hard.
Talk to him and explain everything , dont lie to him be honest , I know a kid same age . He is in care and he gets angry as no one tells him why and how things have changed . Let him know you love him and you are there for him , dont pretend gifts are from his mum best he knows the truth .
I’d stop the video calls, if she want to make the effort to see him she will, if not her loss but to brag about cars to her 6 year old son yet gets him nothing for his birthday shows how much of a narcissist she is!
Therapy. Explain his mother is very sick and can’t be a good mom until she is able to get better, which may be never. That is why (she, God, the universe, the courts—whatever works for you) sent you to be his forever mommy instead.
Like if he broke his arm and he never went to the doctor to fix it he couldn’t do push ups or hand stands. Of course reassure him that you would always take him to the doctor, but that his mom has decided not to get help, and you don’t know why, but it’s part of the sickness.
Look into getting her off visits entirely if possible. Every time she has any contact it’s like ripping the bandage off anew. It’s likely she will never get better and will eventually overdose. Talk to his therapist about ways you can help him cope. The worst part is there’s probably no hope of her ever getting better.
The presents are just because he wants something from her. See if one of you can get something from her or her family to give to him. Maybe get him a cross or necklace with her name on it with the years she acted like a mom to him (if any).
I can’t imagine anything harder for a child than to be abandoned. Whatever you have to give up to pay for therapy, do it now. I’m so sorry for you all.
Sweetie this young one is acting out - he’s angry - frustrated- and his mother isn’t helping. I would suggest getting professional assistance-
Is he in school yet? If mom was using during her pregnancy there may be unlined disabilities. Like I suggested a doctor would be a place to start.
I would just end contact and no longer be available to her when it’s convenient for her. There’s no way around it being painful as confusing but it will lessen as time go’s by. If she wants to step up during this, she will and you will know, but is likely she won’t, and he will learn to live without her opposed to living with disappointment and feeling hurt and damaged self worth.
I’ve been in your son’s shoes I remember to this day be one and sitting in the steps hearing my dad and mom in some argument I don’t remember what they were fighting about but I do remember my mom saying that she didn’t want to be tied down and that she didn’t want to be a mother and I remember her walking out the door my dad told me I would cry for days I didn’t see my mom until I was your son’s age and I only saw her because I told my dad I wanted to find her so he tracked her down for me I ended up spending 2 weeks with her for those two weeks I had a mom but the next time I saw her it was like I went to hell and she ended up being abusive now I realize I should have never had my dad track her down my point is even though shes his mom by birth that doesn’t make her a mom tell your son this that he has two mommies the one that gave birth to him and then he has you the mom that’s always there when he hurts him self that makes him better when he’s sick that makes him feel better when hurts him self that makes him his favorite food or takes him to his park but most importantly tell him that even though you didn’t give birth to him or was there from the start your here now no matter what your not going no where tell him that no matter what you will always be there for him and that you love him no differently and you always will tell him to you he is your son
Start reading to him every night and having one on one time with him, he’s probably acting out for more attention. Also give him consequences when he acts out like losing privileges and getting grounded
My kids were 7 and 2 when I divorced. From that point on they did not receive any birthday or Christmas presents. He never wanted them for their birthdays or any holiday. As adults, 10 years ago, they have not had any contact with their dad. Talk about one selfish individual, he only cares (cared) about himself. Sometimes no contact is better than bad contact with a parent.
Plz stop !!! You sound like a drama queen!!! I know ur type !!! Mind your business and let the two parents work it out and see what’s best for their child…I’m sure your not telling the complete whole story n egging it on …your not the child’s mother …
Validate his feelings!! Make sure you listen and teach him to express himself in a healthy way. It’s ok to be hurt and disappointed in your mother we don’t hit and yell. Here let’s work those aggressive behaviors out in some play dough. Let’s talk about it for five minutes and then go have some fun…print out a feelings chart and get him to talk briefly each day and teach him how to handle feelings without suppressing them to an unhealthy level. Did I mention validate???
Counseling works. I’m going through this with my granddaughter her dad literally disappeared on Christmas day haven’t heard nor seen him. Also let him make videos like he is talking to her. Tell him he can say whatever he wants to say. Tell him if he wants to yell he can, if he wants to cry he can and if he wants to say mean or naughty words that he can and he will not get in trouble. Let him make the videos without you in the room so he knows that his release of feelings is safe. Tell him you don’t even have to share your videos if you don’t want to. It is a great way for them to let everything out.
I am an adoptive mom - he is struggling because he is understanding more about what is what -He feels insecure and scared - even tho he cannot express it - his mother is gone - regardless if she’s good or bad in a child’s eyes it’s just love , he loves her -
Encourage him to love her and tell him you love her and are so grateful to her for having him cause you get to be a part of his life too.
See if you don’t like her then you don’t like him - because a child does not feel separate from mommy , and eventually within a few months of total acceptance he will transfer that back to you
Not sure what to do on that but I think I would just buy him sumin send it in the mail addressed to him. From her you shouldn’t have to but if he is only 6 he don’t get it and maybe get him some counselling to help him be able to figure out his emotions and just constantly make him feel loved even when he is acting out x
You ask the courts permission to stop all contact.
Then you stop all contact. You get him involved in something he loves, that will take up his time.
You go do things to bond with him. Go to parks & actually play & talk. Go to Chuck E Cheese, go Rock climbing, trampoline jumping. Go to museums & movies. Go to lunch & dinners
Just get these kids out & HAVE FUN! FIND THEIR HAPPINESS! Nurture their talents.
Chores can wait. Homework can wait. Discipline can wait.
Obviously, no hitting, no bitting, no throwing or breaking things. But help him understand why he feels those things. Teach him to breathe & count to 5. Think of solutions instead if reactions.
Taking care of YOUR CHILDREN & their wellbeing is the most important thing you can do in their young lives.
You got this. Just give lots of love
Get the counseling or whatever is necessary but ALSO… buy him something he likes. Put it in the mail and sign her name:roll_eyes:. Get some of that weight off of him…even if for a little while. Y’all keep wanting to make him see her as uncaring or whatever …he is 6! He loves his Mom and she loves herself. Send a card of understanding and read it with him and help him slowly be GREAT! Ask your husband to do this. Talk all as a family.God bless you ALL.
Been there. Two things…we stopped all communication, if she didn’t like it she could take my husband to court. We also empowered the child to learn to take care of himself and set boundaries. You cannot change her but you do need to protect and do what is best for the child. I ended meeting with the mother numerous times, texted and had phone conversations with her. I was nice but firm in the fact that she would only get to have a relationship with the child when she mommed up and quit hurting him. Happy to say for the most part, after years of this, she has. The child still has to set boundaries and we still have talks about him taking care of himself and that her actions say nothing about him. Feeling that one doesn’t matter, especially to their mother is one of the worst things and can really mess a person up. Love and empower the child, protect him and lots of prayer!
Make sure you never talk bad on the bio mother name infront of him because it will hurt him more, give him all the love and affection you can to be the best role model mother figure you can be to him but never try to “replace” his bio mom❤️ maybe try therapy/counseling so he has someone else to talk to.
Your husband needs to take his ex back to court…if she has missed enough supervised visits and neglects the child every chance she gets then he needs his attorney to try an put an end to it one way or another. It seems he’s going to be hurt with her in or out of his life. Your husband needs to see what his next move is!