Ignore the FU*K out of her. She doesn’t exist when she’s being like that. And RECORD EVERYTHING. Whether she sees you doing it or not.
Oh my heart hurts for you all, especially your daughter because there is something deep down hurting her and because you and dad are the closest to her she feels comfortable to let that anger and frustration out. Talk to her without any judgment or aggravation, if you need a break take a two minute break in the bathroom or grab a drink. Try to think back to when this all started and then write down questions and things you want to speak about so you don’t forget, speak about when you were a child and even now about your struggles and how they made you feel and what helped you feel better. Let her know how you and dad feel when she acts out, be brutally honest, but explain it at her level. Let her know that she is at an age where these behaviors have major consequences, so she’s got to work with you guys to find coping skills to self soothe such as drawing, listening to music, playing a musical instrument, exercising, taking a walk, cleaning, painting nails, gardening, reading, cooking/baking with supervision, take a nice bath or shower with lights off with a candle burning and music, a punching bag….and so on, the calming strategies are endless! I know how hurtful and aggravating this can be, but you’ve got to remember that she is young and trying to figure out life as a 10 year old and it sounds like she’s crying out for some major guidance/help, love and attention so give it to her. If she hasn’t already started to menstruate it sounds like it might be coming soon, explain that too. Always remind her that she is beautiful and loved, take deep breaths and always bring yourself back to your childhood when she says or does something that upsets you and after thinking about the BEST effective solution (or heck together you two can think of the best effective solution) then talk about the situation. I’m no expert, just a single mama raising two absolutely amazing girls in this crazy scary f-upped world and I am trying my damndest to do it right. We love everything and everyone, all skin colors, disability’s, and whether you were born with a plastic or silver spoon- as long as you’re kind to us we’re kind to you. If you’re not kind to us we kill with kindness and keep it moving because everyone is entitled to bad days, but nobody should ever be disrespectful- unfortunately not everyone was taught the way I’m teaching my girls. I did spend a majority of my adulthood working with our mentally ill community, so I do have a great understanding on this subject, plus a lot is just common sense for me because I’ve done lots of research (and still do at times). Communication is HUGE. You can even have a special notebook for extra communication- extra reminders of the love you all have for each other and an extra coping skill by writing notes to each other and even drawing each other pictures. I may seem over the top, but it really isn’t and it’s so easy to retrain yourself and it’s so much more effective to discipline in a calm way plus it’s extremely less stressful. I was in a severely domestic violence relationship for years, we’ve been gone for almost two years so trust me when I say I understand the chaos, hurt and aggravation. It still feels so weird that our home isn’t hostile, no eggshells on the floor and our walls are bursting at the seems with love and happiness. Your family needs change, children are a product of their surroundings (for the most part) and it’s all worthy of your time and attention because she is your baby! If you have to, look back at pictures of when she was a baby to remind yourself that she is your very own creation who constantly takes mental notes of what she sees hears and feels- all of that will stay with her for the rest of her life. I’m sorry for such a long comment and I’m sorry it’s probably scrambled all over the place but I just have soooooooo much to say, I could go on for days. If you ever want to talk or need to vent please message me because I truly understand and will not judge, but I will tell you my opinion. Your daughter is only 10, it’s definitely not too late, but she definitely NEEDS your full LOVE and ATTENTION and that doesn’t mean she’s up your butt 24/7. Healthy, happy and honest. I just realized I didn’t talk about everything you’re struggling with, please message me so we can possibly talk over the phone or something because I can help! Good luck!!
I just want to say I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best. You’re not a bad mom for having these feelings. 
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Put hidden cameras in your house . Take recordings to the docs.
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Sound to me like the child has some sort of disability unable to follow rules there is always a reason a child behave the way they do and as far as spanking a child it’s a big no do not enforce violence on the child just because they are doing it to you doesn’t mean you react in same manner it will encourage child to be more violent respect can be earned without shouting or spanking make a daily diary and keep asking for help professionals have a duty to listen keep fighting don’t let lem fob you off good luck
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I would have her evaluated for ADHD. These sound like dopamine seeking behaviors.
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Seek therapy. It helps, both of you. There’s an underlying reason for her behavior that the therapist can assist you both with.
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set a camera up and catch it on video so then you can show family and her Dr and whoever else and go from there
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I would have her evaluated for ADHD. These sound like dopamine seeking behaviors.
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Try the nonparenting approach. It worked for my son. I very obviously still cooked for him, took care of his basic needs. But I didn’t force homework, didn’t force a bedtime (he did have to be in his room a certain time), no chores, didn’t force showers or basic hygiene. It took about a month of it before hr started to come around and open up about issues he was having. Sometimes kids need a friend in their parent in order to respect them as parents.
Maybe she just needs your love and attention.
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Videotape her and show her screaming and hitting you and show your family and doctors and see if you can get in to see a therapist
There is a reason she is being so nasty to you two only, if she is an angel at your moms then something is amiss here…she is a manipulater and a good one at that…
Have your family take her overnight on a weekend so you too can get a break
Taking things out of her room doesnt work since she is strong willed
Try talking to her teachers and ssee how she is at school
When school starts in the fall kids will bug her if she smells
Does she steal off you what does she steal
When she screams and has a fit and hits say to your husband within hearing distance of her well so much for taking her to the amusement park tomorrow we wil just get a sitter and we will go ourselves
What kind of fun things does she enjoy…waterslides, swimming at the beach, fun kids movie
Everytime she does something nasty like hitting, screaming just say well so much for going to see this movie ( say a kids show) tonight that we were planning on taking you too…if she has a fit say we dont take anyone who is nasty we will stay home instead
Also ignor her when she gets like this so after hitting you just totally ignor her and say only once if you are nasty we choose to not talk to you until you can be nice so the choice is yours…
And say well i guess we have to get a sitter and we will go by ourselves to the beach if you can be nice for 3 days without hitting and screaming then we will gladly take you somewhere or you can have a friend over or her go to a friends
Make her see that when she isnt nice then she is the one who loses out
Especially when if you guys go places with other family who have kids
She will have a long long lonely summer
Also she if she doesnt shower then say cant take you anywhere but grams if you smell
So when she goes to grams smelling she will shower
Try looking into therapy for yourselves and parenting classes for help
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I feel sorry that you are going through this. I feel like parenthood ain’t always a walk through roses…. But You could try hidden camera so you could expose her to the family or psychiatrist… and maybe she would stop from embarrassment, and maybe try to call police when she hitting you, I read couple people online did it and it really scared the kids. You could maybe ask them if they could fake it like taking her to the station in police car. (I know it’s not the best but seems like you are at the end of your nerves)Kids these days think they are untouchable as any for of physical punishment is considered abuse 
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Sounds like she needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. There is likely something deeper going on.
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Time for some tough love mama… nip it in the bud now so your not tryna do it when she’s 15
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Put up nanny cams so you can get her behavior on video and show it to the therapist, psychiatrist and family so they can see for themselves what you deal with.
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I have a child that was like that . She is now 45 … I was a struggling single mother . she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bi polar . Her behavior is still off the chain towards me . I was exhausted still am from her . My other two daughters never had any issues . It didn’t go away but did calm down . She works in healthcare but is in Denial fired her therapist even .
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Have you had her assessed by a developmental doctor? She could have ODD or something else going on
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Try juvey. Tough love
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I would definitely put up cameras
Is your husband your child father?
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We used a job jar for any of those behaviors you take a jar and put small jobs in there every time she has a behavior she has to pick out of it and she has to do it and you get time to breathe and she will stop doing the behaviors as often things we had were clean window seals clean under kitchen sink,mate socks, sweep cobwebs down my kids are all older now and they still say mom not the job jar hope this helps…
You should have started much earlier. Discipline and a good spanking probably would help. The things you are doing are only temporary. God teaches us if we spare the rod we spoil the child and you have a very spoiled child. Life for her in the future will be hell.
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If she acting up at school? Or is ALL this only going on at home with you and dad? If it’s only at home are you sure SOMETHING hasn’t happen at home when you aren’t there? You say she tells people at school she’s abused, has CPS shown up to investigate those allegations? It seems she’s good everywhere but home.
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My son is about to be 8 and I’m in the same situation but me and his dad split up after 10 yrs
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I can’t understand this generation. I have 5 kids and 4 grandchildren and that kind of behavior was absolutely Not tolerated! I came from a much more respectful generation and in No way shape or form would any adult expect that from a child. It’s not a question of arguing or even up for debate you do not argue with a child. There are rules to be followed and thats it. There are special programs for defiant children look into them, She will learn to follow rules and not argue, she is searching for direction all the while pushing the limits to see how far she can get. CONSEQUENCES for actions, Not reactions like you trying to reason with your child. Watch some parenting videos, take a class yourself to learn new techniques be open to a better more family friendly environment. Good luck my prayers are with you.
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My exes son was like this and no one believed us. We tried taking him to therapy and psychologist. We placed cameras in the home to capture the behavior and to protect ourselves from CPS. He was eventually referred to a psychiatrist and placed on meds. It was like night and day. Eventually, I had to walk away from the relationship because even though his son was doing better he was still very abusive to the other children. Have her re-evaluated but place cameras so you can see what is actually happening at home.
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Im sorry for some of the comments. I know this struggle. I know this exhaustion. I know what you are going through. If you want to reach out and message me, my messenger is always open. I’m praying for you and your family. You aren’t alone in this. 
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take her to peds dr sounds like she has ADDHD and BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS iam raising a great grand son n had to put him on addhd drugs 100% difference n now is 12 and a A student
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Yeah with ur negative energy I get why ur child is acting out …she can feel the hate and as a result this comes out 
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Call Dr Phil show. He’s done similar stories and if he picks you to appear on his show he will help with whatever counseling that is needed for the family.
Get her in therapy, she needs it.
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Well, I felt this way with my 16 year old. He started therapy, meds, and he’s got confidence. It’s wild to watch his transformation into a man (kinda), but now he’s not miserable to be around. Just gotta keep being a mom, it will get better.
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If shes hideing it that well then you need to start videoing these tantrums as proff to show the doctor and therapist.
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My daughter was exactly like this, after all of the doctor visits and counseling they said she has ADHD and a sensory processing disorder. She’s on medications and is doing way better! Good luck to you
She need a psychiatrist/psychologist and to be tested by someone who won’t just accept her facade. The resentment is something she will know. I’m betting she has ODD at a min. Record her behavior by putting cameras in shared living spaces so you have proof esp if she is lying about things.
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Try connecting with her. Truly emotionally connecting with her. Find out what she likes and make days out if it just because- not as a reward. Even the best parent/kids have a little rebellion phase. She likely needs guidance into becoming an autonomous adult 
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Sounds to me like you are raising a psychopath. I get how that can be disheartening. Set up video surveillance to monitor the home. Then go back to a doctor that she hasn’t snowed in to thinking she’s ok. Therapy won’t help her. As you’ve taken her before and they all see her nice polite side.
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I too struggled for years with my daughter and tried everything and anything. The only thing that helped was to put up cameras, stop reacting to her tantrums, I stopped doing everything that wasn’t a necessity and explained to her why I stopped. Eventually she missed all the fun things we always did together and apologized and asked if we could start fresh. So we had a heart to heart talk about how it hurt me not to do fun things with her and how it hurt me to see her act that way and I asked her how she felt about it all. Things have been great ever since. If that doesn’t work for you I’d have her tested for ODD. Best of luck momma
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I have a 7 year old grandson who is severely ADHD and has explosive defiant disorder and fooled the doctors at first. He is on meds and they are working and he is now being tested for autism.
He is an angel at school but a hellion at home. Had to record so doctors would believe.
He still has spells now at both school and home but now we are finallly believed and someone listened.
SEnding 
love, joy 
peace 
and serenity to you and your family. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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I would simply talk to her. Makes me wonder what else is going on. Is she getting picked on at school then when she gets home; takes that frustration out on you guys? Maybe a teacher or something gets under her skin who knows.
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Signs of sociopath, get help asap.
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A good ole fashioned ass whooping is what it sounds like she needs
Sounds like some good advice that some of these people are giving you, especially recording this behaviour on hidden camera…
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Possibly a sociopath?? My brother is one and so similar.
You need to get into counseling and reevaluate alot
A child stealing means they are lacking something (and you taking things from her just reinforces stealing)
If family drs and professionals cant find anything wrong cuz a “child hides it so well” you def need to look in the mirror, sorry but not sorry
She prolly 100% senses your discontentment and thats something you need to fix. It’s not just about the undesirable acts you have to get to the root of them
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My daughter was the same way, reach out for help, she is bipolar, adhd, personality disorder, did good on meds, till 16, off her meds now and suffers with work, friends, and family at 22. Her memories are all negative and blames me, distorted reality 
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Some of these comments are just unbelievable! Sociopath? Psychopath? Its a bit much to be making those kind of assumptions. Those are pretty significant labels to be putting on anybody, let alone a child!
Work on connecting and engaging with her and nurturing attachment. Make a day out of doing something she enjoys, just the two of you. Talk to her. Give her a chance to open up to you. Acknowledge that shes having some big emotions and validate them. Do not let yourself get heightened no matter what, that only makes things worse. Definitely take steps to get her assessed, this may be ODD or SPD or something else going on
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Have you tried not saying anything to her for a few days? Just smile and let it pass, do what you would usually do… play some soft healing music in the background, remove any clutter from your house, keep flowers or even better, grow indoor plants, change some furniture and add a few vibrant colors, maybe even teddy bears or other cute soft toys? What does she like eating? Get talking about drinking a lot of water to clean out any toxins… not directly to her, but just keep fresh water in new colorful bottles around in the house. Buy new bath products, new towels, arrange all her clothes… there’s so much that can be done to make those positive changes around in the house and not treat her as a child at all… appreciate any ot the good things she does…
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Well, then take a break. If family think she is such an angel then have her go stay with them for a while and give yourself a much needed break from her antics to get your head right and decide on your next moves.
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I dnt know if military school is still a thing but I’d go that route
Yes by all means put up hidden cameras everywhere!!! It’s the only way that you will hopefully know what’s going on. Then maybe get her the right help.
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Put up cameras but don’t let her know
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Take her phone take her tablets anything don’t say a word
Have you tried listening? I know it sounds ridiculous and you’ve tried it all, but allowing her a space to say whatever she feels she needs to without fear of judgement or punishment might help uncover the real problems. Take the threats away, try to meet the issues with empathy and allow cool down time before discussing behaviors. If she’s great with everyone else you still are doing a good job! It shows that she does know manners and good behavior, I would just try to build on that.
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First I suggest cameras to film the behavior for therapist to see.
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Maybe something terrible has happened to her and she is acting out.
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Try talking to her and maybe seeing someone to help you with your depression and anxiety since nothing else has helped
Maybe she cant talk to you an needs a coucisuler at school …
Behavioral specialist at a children’s hospital
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My son is the exact same way and there are times I feel the same. He’s been diagnosed with multiple things and some
Meds have helped others not so much. I’m here if u need to talk or get advice.
She’s likely acting out with you because she’s safe. My girls went through this. They had big emotions and sometimes they needed to let them out. They know, deep down, that they can with you and dad and you’ll still love them.
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Patent child interaction therapy is beginning to help us. Took forever to get in and the healing process is slow. Sending lots of good vibes your way
Ignore the bad attitude, silent treatment, act like your not bothered by what she is doing, do the opposite of what you are doing, she doing this all for attention and don’t give it to her, just walk away, when she comes talk to you in a respectful way start to communicate, there is something that is setting her off, also she is 9 hormones can be taking effect, which is just damn next level insanity, when dealing with
You need to find the right therapist because that’s what she need a lot of therapy!!!
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Try counseling there may be something more going on. Prayers and good luck parenting is not easy no judgment from this mom!
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I have had the same problems with my 7 yr old this last year and therapy wasn’t helping. I ended up talking to a social worker about getting her in a program at a mental health facility (its like a residential school). They do diagnostic testing and have different types of therapy threw the day. You at least get some answers and/or help if nothing else.
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Get her off social media and homeschool her for awhile if possible! Honestly! The best thing I ever did.
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My 5 yr old is like this. She has serious anxiety. The only thing that helps her when she has a meltdown is for me to hold her. She has to be right with me all the time. Your daughter might just need mama for a bit, all alone. Is she having any issues at school with bullies or anything? Maybe friends are being mean? You know how girls can get. And yes at that age, girls are getting catty at an earlier age these days. My oldest has anxiety but she was never like my 5 yr old.
You need to stop. Just stop. No reminders no dinner is ready no . Fighting is useless and futile. You are the parents and she is the child. Get family counseling ASAP. Yes to cameras and take her door down. She needs to understand boundaries to the severe degree. Explain you love her but her actions warrant her regaining her trust.,children services is very helpful. Best of luck . Positive vibes coming to you and your family
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Check with your police dept find out if you have juvenile justice dept I took mine in & they talked to him as its like scared straight good luck !
When she gets home totally 100 percent just let her be do not give her your power to being parents ignore her and say nothing at all let her figure it out fix dinner for you and spouse eat together then do your dishes and put food away let her know how you can be and what luck she has to even have you
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Prayers 
my daughter’s got alot of these bad tendencys she’s also 9 but I will light her ass up she pushes me to far I know alot of ppl don’t condone it but I will woop my child’s ass if she chooses to continue to act badly and I only do it when enough is enough so she’s got a whooping maybe 5 times her whole existence in life but when it happens she straightens herself and behavior right up
You say you’ve tried therapists and psychologists, have you tried family therapy and counselling? Behavioral therapy? Had her evaluated for a learning disability? Maybe something has happened she doesn’t want to talk about and she’s expressing herself by taking it out on everyone and herself, or maybe she’s angry about something. Kids are hard but I’m not going to say it’s completely fine you resent your child, I think you should really reach out and talk to someone for yourself and family.
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Ignore her bad behavior. Don’t engage. Walk away when she acts up. Let her face the consequences of failing school. She is looking for attention don’t give it to her. Try family counseling if one on one didn’t help her
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Bust her ass that’s what’s wrong with the world!! then explain why she was spanked! by trying so hard to find something wrong your just giving her a crutch to lean on an excuse for her behavior because once she’s in the real world that won’t. Its ok to have feeling but the delivery means everything I had the same problem with my nine-year-old til I spanked him now our relationship is so much better. Am guess what he’s not mad about it an don’t even remember it. An he expresses his self very well when he’s upset. But it’s never a battle
Sounds exactly like my daughter!!! Just add alcohol, drugs and sneaking out! I tried everything as well, therapy, mother daughter therapy, therapy for me and starting over many many times. She actually proved to me that she was going to do exactly what she wanted to do and there was nothing I could do about it. Now I am 64 and she is 45 and still in the drug, alcohol, men, gambling, incarcerations etc.
Hope you can reach her while she’s young.
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Get yourself into some therapy and support. Make time for self care.
Behaviour is always communication. Figure out the route cause and once you tend to the need the behaviour will change.
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What I’m hearing is that you feel frustrated and like maybe your daughter is against you and working against you and that you are trying really hard to receive a positive outcome but nothing seems to be working. I think sometimes what helps me with my adolescent psych patients is remembering that there are no bad people, they’re only good people who are in pain. Perhaps your daughter doesn’t feel connected to you. Perhaps she is telling you as a means of testing love. I am not sure if your funds or time would allow, but what if you took her out of the environment all together and did some sort of solo trip with her or some sort of camping retreat or something where it’s just you and her so that you can do something that you enjoy together and have fun together, work on something together and connect over it. What is she good at? What is she interested in? Maybe you guys can do those things together. Or even if it’s only a TV show maybe make a point to watch a TV show together and enjoy something together so that you can reestablish your connection and so she can feel and be reminded of your connection and motherly love for her. And remember, there are no bad people there are only people in pain. Perhaps she is seeing your pain and resenting it as well because it makes her feel like there is something wrong with her. You both are in pain and it is driving you apart. But you both love each other, find something you love together to experience it together to find one another’s light again. No amount of discipline is going to reestablish that love connection. Reestablish the connection, then through that regain her trust and then you will find it easier because she will want to please you. Instead of looking at the positive reinforcement as a toy or something she enjoys look at the positive reinforcement positive quality time together. I don’t know you or your daughter but I would bet that would be the best gift of all.
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See your Pediatrician…And. ask to see a
Children 's Therapist… I see some red flags.
She could benefit and turn this around
B4 see gets older. I wish you the best 
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Take videos of her acting out for proof and show drs and such!
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I was going to say the same Video her.
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I think your daughter is running the show and I think you guys got to be parents
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Wait … You resent your daughter because you can’t parent?
Makes sense 
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My only advice is put cameras in your house so you can show the therapist and psychologist WTF really be going on…
My daughter only 3 and she does and says shit to and around me she would NEVER do around other people…
Sounds exactly like my daughter! She’s 9 and got diagnosed with ADHD am currently in process of trying to get her assessed for autism and odd
Get yourself a priest. Clearly the child needs an exorcist!!
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It can be a hormone imbalance. Talk with her doctor for a specialist.
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Maybe Try getting her behaviors on camera to show a therapist,
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She’s still so young, it’s probably just her little self developing. She is most likely going through hormone changes.
Try one on one outings, spend time doing things she enjoys, become her friend. I hope it helps!
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A 9 year old ? Beating on the parents? Whoop that a$$ ! Respectfully. I wish mine would .
It blows me away at how many people are saying she needs behavioural therapy and are suggesting some of the things they are. These behaviours are actually normal for some as kids grow up and just because someone else’s child doesn’t do it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with yours. All children deal with things differently and it could be something very small that needs changing.
Has there been a significant change in her life? Does she have anxiety, or going through puberty early? Is she having issues at school with other kids? It could be anything. At this age they are still pretty young and are learning to test boundaries with their parents. It sounds like she’s wanting attention whether or not it’s good or bad.
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I would video her without her knowing then show it to a counselor and go from there, saying a prayer for you.
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What about having her evaluated for Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Narcissism?
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My kids would never talk to me like this or act this way.
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Sounds exactly like my now adult son when he was younger, specialists and anyone i sought help from thought i wanted a perfect child and just couldnt handle normal naughtiness, but he was so good at hiding it when it suited him. He was diagnosed with adhd and odd - oppositional defiance disorder, and boy did i cop backlash over that from unaware/uneducated parents thinkin i was chasing a label and was accused of making up the defiance didorder, but i read up on it and he matched nearly every word that described it. Everyone is different and in my experience even drs and specialists font take that into account enough. I don’t have any parenting advice other than keep trying new things till you find something that sticks and please dont hate on yourself, you have a hard job ahead of you, and you are doin the best you can, how you’re feeling is a natural response and does not mean uou dont love them with all you have…p.s its all worth it when they grow up and are good people. And they are good people just too young to handle their own overwhelming thoughts, feelings and emotions. You got this!!
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I’d say call the cops, I saw someone on TV call the cops on their child and the officers had a talk with the child about respecting their parents and it seemed to help.
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It can possibly be a health issue with types of food she eats like gluten …I have a friend whose son was a total terror! And just not a typical boy like he was angry, abusive and loved to just torture his mother and other kids, and it had to do with the food he was eating, they got him eating gluten free foods and what not and he started becoming more behaved all the way around…sometimes u can tell, ground and discipline your child and nothing works, go to your doctor again!
ABA (applied behavior analysis) therapist here 
. Insurance might not cover it, but I highly suggest it.