Sounds like all 3 adults need a child free sit down to discuss how parenting will go. Make a solid plan, combine forces and stay consistent. Do not be played by the 10 yr old because if they can, they will.
It sounds like dad needs to step in and have a conversation with the child and if that doesn’t work further action. It also sounds like there maybe be parent alienation going on which is awful and the child is caught in the middle. I would get to court if haven’t already and have action taken. If the mother isn’t providing for the child it is the fathers responsibility to see to it that action is taken. Unfortunately there’s not too much else that can be done outside of court if both parents have equal rights.
Step 1: don’t allow the cell phone in your home. IMO these children do NOT need cell phones. I will not give my kids smartphones. They are destroying our youth. I know we all have them and sure they’re great and useful for many things, but there’s no need for kids to have them. Maybe it would make a difference.
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Been there, done that, and sold the T-shirt in a yard sale.
Direct everything to mom and dad. Dad needs to handle it, including discipline. If you’ll separated tomorrow, then she by default is mom and dad’s responsibility.
Puberty…happening with my biological child.
YOU need family therapy sessions and agree with the scheduler that it can not be cancelled by any one person. There needs to be group and individual with all the parents
Who is the custodial parent? They are who should arrange therapy which I think is an excellent idea. So many it maybe this or it may be that. Unless the child opens up to what is going on you won’t know. All the best to you
Have you tried sitting down with the mom the dad and the kid and voice your opinion if I couldn’t communicate with someone else child then I couldn’t be around them
I also don’t think it’s okay for you to be punishing her. It causes extra tension and bad feelings.
Even if your husband gives you permission, I bet once you let that be his responsibility you’ll see a big change.
** from a woman who as a child had 5 step fathers throughout childhood.
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Take everything away and start making her help around the house. Do something. You are her parent. You stepped up to take care of her. You are her mom as well. And you have a say. She’s 10. She’s got puberty and growing issues now. It’s going to be tough. I can almost bet that lexi is shit talking and making it worse.
Maybe someone is getting in her head that you guys aren’t going to want her anymore after the baby comes it helps someone gets mad then the kid is told lies
Her mom is getting in her head. She’ll realize it all when she’s older.
WHERE has the biological Mother been the past 6 yrs? Kind of late now that you are expecting and the BABY will also be the 10 y/os sibling! Time to let the child know who is the BOSS! BTW 10 is NOT a PRE TEEN!
My daughter is nine and has a lying problem… me and her dad have tried everything to get her to stop but nothing’s working we booked a appointment to get a referral to a psychiatrist. Her step mom is also stressed cause of her she’s also pregnant. However I don’t interfer with how they parent at there house. Step parents are parents too. And honestly you might need to have a talk directly to the mother. You need to have a okay relationship with the other parent About what’s happening and how your child is playing you against each other. Parenting has to be done with everyone agreeing. And working together. Best thing to do is not to do the blame game. Blaming the other parent will only hinder the relationship between you two. You don’t need to be friends with her but you do need to get along with her. … If her personality is to hard for you to get along with you need to do mediation maybe with a separate person. Because either way you need to be on the same page when parenting the child that is all of yours.
The mother is the key, dhe needs a slap! Lol Poor kid is more than likely being filled with crap from the mums mouth.
Honestly yeah straight preteens mine did and still every now and then does the same it’s tough be vigilant and try to stay calm
If you feel the baby
Isn’t safe then you need to find a safe place for both of you. She is a child but you never know.
You need to y’all one on one with the daughter. You can’t change her mother. Something is going on. I raised three girls and they ALWAYS have a reason for what they do. It might seem like a pitiful excuse but it’s not to them.
Shes learned how to manipulate the situations on both sides to her advantage. Wish it could just be called out as acting out to family dynamics changing. This needs addressed or she will use this through everything in life and never mature
Must be a 10 year old thing. My stepson makes things worse for us too by lying and starting trouble between both sides. Hoping it’s just a phase. I’m with him more than both of his parents and I’m the mean guy because I set rules. 
Okay, first of all kudos for you stepping up to love and take care of your stepdaughter. Second, welcome to kids, they are very crafty at playing the parents against each other. That being said her dad and you need to be united front (in private disagree). Why are you allowing a child to have your power? As for the mom if she doesn’t take care of the daughter then get custody and make it legal. You are expecting, step up and be the adult. If your husband doesn’t have your back, that is even worse. She knows bio mom will go against you and your husband, and look at who is getting all the attention. Stick to your guns.
Omg. Same except mine is now 17. Its a mess.
Maybe she feels left out, and you’re replacing her
She’s 10 they go through a phase and that phase makes you wanna kick there ass I know I’m in it now… understand said child is 10 not 15 not 19… just 10 they lie play victim and try to pin parents against each other… if you dont communicate with mom then don’t worry about it just do your part when she’s with you… however t asking to mom will put a stop to it… also bringing your new child into a world with this should be the last of your worries… and that’s coming from a mom that has a child that was born with issues… you have time plenty of time to correct behavior even when new child arrives
You and your husband have decided to allow a 10 year-old and ex-wife to run your household? Do you have 50/50 custody of the daughter?You and your husband need to come to an agreement on who runs your household and discuss it with the therapist. Then discuss it with the 10 year-old, Invite the ex-wife to a therapy session. You cannot live your life in fear and need to find out how she feels about having a baby sister.
Sounds like she’s feeling like the baby is replacing her at her dads house.
Are there any other big changes? Like will she have to share a room or have less time at your house?
One on one stuff with dad right now could help a lot.
She’s 10 the attitude is hormones
But really it’s not your place at all to be disciplining her that’s her mother and father’s responsibility not yours that’s probably why she’s acting out…
You and her Dad are the adults, she’s the child. The therapy is a must, good luck👍
I wish I could help you, but I’ve been in that boat for many years now. Wish I could tell you it gets better, and for you I pray it does, but unfortunately for me, it’s only gotten worse. Good luck, mama
Daddy needs to tighten this shit uppppp.
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Teen years suck… think back to that age … it might enlighten you a bit
her mom is probably appealing to her preteen esque angst and being just that, her “best friend”. if the bio mom is canceling therapy appointments, i would contact a lawyer and get her into therapy on your own with her father because he has rights too.
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Schedule Therapy appointments on your days.
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Puberty and your new baby
It’s a tough time for 10yro girls. They are all 10 going on 16. Lucky are we to have these monster divas at such a young age! I feel this post in my soul. And I’m the bio mom. I’m watching my daughter and her stepdad and as she gets older the more angry she gets. Even though he’s been around since she was 1…there is a huge disconnect there between the two of them and as someone who’s outside looking in, it’s hard. So just know that this is really hard for your husband.
That being said. Stand your ground. Be strong. Don’t let her bad attitude sway you from being there for her. Keep doing what you’re doing. One day that little girl is going to turn into a woman who is going to look back on her life and be reminded that it was YOU who took care of her. YOU took her to the doctors. YOU were trying the best that you could.
Don’t give up on that girl. I promise you she will understand some day.
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This is why I will not date a man with small children!! That is YOUR HOME the fuck you walking around on eggshells!!! Send her ass to her mothers if shes so fuckin great. Aint no child in my home gonna make me feel any kind of way that aint Queen of MY fuckin home!! Dear God shes only 10…if u dont take care of that shit now its only going to get worse!! Fuck that!!
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Maybe shes scared the new baby will repkace her. You said yourself the mom is a bad person. She could be telling her this is what you wanted all along. Hence the shift. Also shes right about where the normal difficulties come in with tweens. Maybe try ramping up the attention. Like positive attention. And for the moment let dad handle discipline.
Her mom is probably feeding her the "well now they have a child and she’s not going to love you as much, the won’t have time for you, no more just being #1 in their eyes bit. Which is sad and disgusting because it’s the only way the mom is getting her daughter to like her.
Stick it out. Be tough but kind. Sounds a lot like preeteen angst and perhaps she believe she will no longer be important when the baby arrives. I would leave the punishments and discipline for the father in the meantine. This will be a hard process. Remember you are the adult and parent. Stay patient, stay level headed, and don’t let a child and her rude mother get under your skin. Children like to press buttons, just take deep breaths and think of your next words/actions rationally. Best of luck to you, it’s a tough situation to be in.
I legit thought i was reading a post about myself and stepson. I have no words to help cause ours is now 13 and even worse then before. I cant even trust him around our child. Just wanna say breath and dont be upset in front of her. It does no good to show emotions its like a fuel to the fire in my experience.
Schedule another therapy appointment and don’t even tell the mom. Schedule it during a time that she in your custody and don’t tell her mother exact details
Sounds like you need to find a way to bond and connect to her so she knows that you love her as much as the baby you are bringing into her world. She is probably worried she won’t be important anymore. Take her for girly trips to do fun stuff and reiterate how important she is to you and her dad and how you hope she will be a great big sister to the baby.
Consistency is key when it comes to discipline. She needs it just as much as a toddler does. Don’t give harsher punishments than fits the crime. Explain why she got in trouble. Honestly, as long as you aren’t being abusive to her, it doesn’t matter if her mom agrees with your punishment or not. Your husband needs to put her in her place and say that what is done at your house is none of her business as long as her daughter is healthy and safe. Lay down the boundaries and keep to them.
First off your not alone this was definitely me and my step son and his mom but she was WAYYYY worse sounds to me she is beginning puberty try amd spend one on one quality time together a gjrls day where yall go and get nails painted shoppin hair cut let her play in your make up it sounds line a reward but it may jist be the attention she needs second make her more involved in everything to do woth new baby buyin clothes picking name gwnder reveal is thats your thing help pick toys jjst whatever and keep twllin your she will be a great big sis amd that she will not be left oht im sure that bothering her and if her mom is anything like my step son bio them she is pushong in the little gorls head that her daddy is making a new family and doesnt want her and third be firm stmad your ground woth her talk with her and let her know hy she is in trouble but stick to punishment who cares what bio mom if she is evil amd messing with that babies head also maoe another appointment ans dpnt brong mom to first couple seasions jist u dad n her and some of u n ber akd somw of just her then bring mom in … thats my advice my step son now is 17 and we get along alot better now
She needs a psychologist right now because obviously there’s stuff going on that she feels she can’t talk about
Honestly, what I did was one of the hardest things ever bc I can’t stand the mother. I started inviting the mom to things in front of the kids, never said a bad word about the mom in front of the kid, would sit down and help the kids do projects for Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas, etc. let her see that she does not have to choose between the two of you. In my situation, the mom never said thank you for anything, never came to any invitation…but the kids seen that I was trying.
Keep her involved with the pregnancy, make girls dates with her and if she starts talking about her mom…smile and nod then bring up another topic. The last thing you wanna do is allow the behavior to go on; so pick a day just you and her, go do something fun and have a heart to heart with her…tell her y’all were so close and you miss her. They listen more than ya think.
To the poster, thank you for stepping up. You have every right to be upset, and you’re doing nothing wrong. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re step daughter seems to be going to her bio mom bc she’s the “fun parent”. And that’s not ok. All you can really do is keep doing exactly what you’re doing. It’s a very common thing at this age and she will grow up and learn who was the parent and who wasn’t. This is coming from my experience with my step dad who stepped up. I went through this stage with him and I grew up to know the difference. Keep it up and stay strong, it’ll get better❤️
It’s probably puberty.
Because you’re the one she trusts she will act out.
It’s pre puberty and a new baby
Just know she acts out to you because she knows you love her and will even when she is acting out
Dad needs to put a stop to her running to momma when shes ounished tho
She’s scared. She’s not the favourite anymore, he will have not a lot of time for her the first few months.
Be gentle!
Currently in the same position
She is straight up testing you and your husband. Make sure you two are on the same page, lay out the rules, and stand strong when she’s with you both. Be fair, but firm! If not you better buckle up for middle school and high school. You might want to get her in to see a counselor or therapist. The anger issues might be a real thing or it also might be a way to test you.
Divide and conquer is what kids do. Her jealousy can enter and fear. Let dad and her mom set the rules and agree on discipline and enforce them.
Teenage girls. 
Trauma response to you being visibly pregnant. She knows change is coming seem family therapy.
As a parent of 4, a preschool teacher that took school age kids during the summer for 18 years, a librarian/in school suspension teacher for 13 years…she’s absolutely normal. She has found an achilles heel and is hitting it relentlessly. At one point or another someone caved in and gave her what (or part of what she wanted) and she will try for that even if it only happens once in a hundred times. Write out clear and concise rules. Keep them simple. For example, in my suspension room my rules were not to speak or move without my permission. I would make up to 5 rules…some can be blanket ones such as rude behavior means losing use of your phone for the night for the first time, use of the phone for the next night one the second and so forth. Failure to clean up after yourself stops all free time activity until it is done and you stay in your room until you are ready and able to comply. I think you get it. But do not give in. It has been said that it 5 months for a ten your old to respond to this type discipline. Keep yourself calm at all costs and do not raise your voice. My oldest used to like to slam doors…the consequence for that was the door off the hinges and a paper written as to why she should never do that again. Of course she did it again. Then the door was off for a week. Let her know she is in control because all of it stops when she stops. As for her mother…there’s a reason she doesn’t have custody. Limit her phone calls to a certain time during the day for an hour window. All should be well in a few months. Hang in there!
She needs a cut and dry ultimatum. Stay or go. Thats not right.
That’s around the age hormones start… buckle up sistah!
Your house, your rules!!
Sounds like you need to take care of her mother when the little girl is not with you or her
Family Therapy could help mend some things. 
Counseling. Emotional manipulation IS abuse.
Stepmom of 10 years here 
First off if you don’t follow/a part of VIP Stepmom by Naja Hall or Nacho Kids: The Blended Family Lifesaver you need to.
Both give great advice.
Secondly, make boundaries. Nacho her. Nacho what stresses you out. What would her parents do if you weren’t around? They’d have to parent her themselves.
Thirdly follow this guide. It’ll help after some time.
Lastly, therapy. Therapy for everyone. Therapy is a beautiful thing when you can find a good therapist to help everyone understand the issues at hand.
Adding a new baby is a huge stressor. How do u act when you’re stressed?
She might feel like she’s being replaced. I would do your best to reassure her that thats not the case and that she’ll be a great big sister. Kids are starting to go thru huge changes around that time as well so patience with her is very important. We don’t learn how to properly regulate our emotions until much later in life.
That age is really tough on her with having divorced parents. Not saying you’re wrong but maybe back off a bit. Pre teens are very emotional. This will get better hopefully. Let her dad punish her , she’ll be mad at him then
We are all going through it and it’s not just step parents, its all parents. My preteen is such a nightmare that sometimes I want to drop it all and give up. Then remember, I was much worse and my parents never gave up on me. So who am I to complain. Karma is a bitch
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Your stepdaughter needs help, immediately, as do es the rest of the family. In the meantime, stop saying horrible things about her mother and tell her you love her.
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My 10 year old is a moody little turd at times. And I know other girls her age are too. Your doing the right thing to take her phone away and sending her to bed early. I hope her father backs you up!
It she lives w you, she better follow your rules if that not, sent her back her to her mom and see the big difference how she is compared living w you versus her mom.
10 yrs is a transition age and ruff. I can only suggest you have a sit down with her and let her know that no matter what your still here for her and ensure her your feeling and actions won’t change because of the new baby joining the family and how your looking forward to her being a big sister. Explain something she did wrong and reason for the punishment. I think she might need to feel yes things are changing but for the better and the one thing that won’t change is lo e for her. If you feel her mom is talking negatively about you to her they ask her if she believes and feels what is being say to her is true. Let her think a minute and if she says no then just say that is all that matters, is your feeling and what you believe. Now if she say yes then ask her why and explain not everyone is gonna see things the same and that is OK, but next time feel.free to come and ask me and we can talk. Wishing you lots of luck.
Reschedule the therapy appointment but don’t attend. If that’s what she needs to be able to go do it. It sounds like her mom is putting stuff into her head. Continue to love her and remind her that even with a baby of your own that you view her as your own and she will always be your first baby.
Sometimes kids will play you off each other. If she runs to you and says something about her mom, you may feel bad for her and coddle her. It’s hard to know what to believe. I am in this situation. But, I am bio mom. My daughter is 14. My ex remarried about 8 years ago so this woman has been in my daughter’s life for some time. My daughter HATES his wife. His older daughter does too. My daughter tells me they talk about me all the time. I tell my daughter that it’s none of my business and it doesn’t bother me (it truly doesn’t). If at all possible, leave the discipline to her dad. One way or another, as she gets older, she will see the truth and make up her own mind. When mine was 10, my ex tried to alienate her from me. He would even text me from her phone (yes, he got her a phone) horrible things trying to make me think she hated me. It worked for a few months. She now sees things for how they are. She may also think that if she is nice to you, she is somehow betraying her mother. Maybe counseling?
If your hubby is there at the therapy appointment, and you are fearful, YOU had better be at EVERY appointment with that child! Do NOT leave her alone with that baby!
She is jealous of the baby and the changes it would mean for her. It’s also possible her mom is using the new baby to manipulate her. Maybe you and your partner should consider getting her to speak to a therapist. Help her to adjust and accept her role as a big sister and new addition to the family
Maybe her mom is putting things in her head that isn’t true to turn her daughter against you.
Let dad handle the punishment. Then she can’t blame you and her mom can’t either.
Good luck. From the way it sounds, you’re just gonna have to wait it out. You only have 8 more years, until things can even start to change. That was my experience.
Seems pretty typical for her age. Her mother may be adding fuel to the fire. Make an appointment for a therapist for just you and her.
Make an effort to schedule time for just you and Lexi to bond. Get your hair done together…does she like movies? Go see a movie together. Does she like shopping? Take her shopping. Figure out what she likes and do that. She’s 10. That’s a very vulnerable and impressionable age. Don’t demonize a 10 year old. Try to understand her hurt…and be there for her. A great start would be not referring to her as a “step” daughter. No kid wants to feel inferior like that. Trust me, I’ve been there and that “step” title can really hurt. Also, don’t ever bad mouth her Mom or Dad…especially not in front of her. Have some compassion for a kid that feels torn and confused about life and family. It’s a hard time. It’s not just about you and you should have realized that when you chose to sign up to be the Mom to a child that you didn’t birth 
In my opinion it isn’t your job to punish her. It’s her dads.
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Have you told her how she’s making you feel? Maybe have a real heart to heart?
Puberty… hormones … buckle up and try not to go crazy.
Sounds to me like she’s feeling insecure and anxious about the new baby.
Say something to her. You don’t have to walk on eggshells, you are the adult
Mother is definitely the issue.
fuck that kid. you’re the adult.
Send het home to her mom
Prayers for all involved.
Me too!!! This is me!
Daphne Bowens i thought u could relate with this
Maybe she just needs a good ol butt whoopin🤷♀️
That’s a toxic mama right there. I am sure she is just going through a phase but her mom is not helping the situation. Have you tried talking to her mom?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I have to walk around eggshells aroud my step daughter: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
You can’t control her mom or her mom’s reaction (or lack thereof).
In your home however, there needs to be clear, consistent boundaries and consequences.
She doesn’t have to like you. She’s 10. 
You and your husband need to sit down and agree to these boundaries and consequences together and ENFORCE them, as a joined unit.
Nothing less will put a stop to this.
Make sure she understands that her feelings are hers and she is welcome to feel them and express them… WITHIN those boundaries.
Your husband needs to be 150% behind you on this.
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Let her go stay with her mother until she gets a case of act right… Remind her that you love her and always will, but unless she can show you the respect you deserve and return your love and kindness she will not be welcome around you or your baby.
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Seems like the mother is telling her with a new baby you guys won’t love her like you do now.
Definitely push for counseling. Even make it so it’s not on moms time. And don’t say anything until you get into the building. Then there’s no chance of mom canceling it.
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This isn’t an easy situation. Have you asked her why she all of a sudden doesn’t like being around you? It may be at home that she doesn’t have rules and consequences but at your house she does. So she sees you as the bed person! Please do not push her away especially with a new baby on the way. She will feel like you don’t love her and that your only priority is the baby! Book a counselling session and have her father take her. He has just as much right as her mother to book her into counselling. Keep telling her you love her and that you don’t plan on going anywhere and that even when the baby comes along, even though things will be different you both will still love her. Plan a day out with you, her dad and her at something she likes. Then make it a regular thing when the baby comes along. She needs to feel like she is loved and cared for. She is only 10 and doesn’t fully understand her emotions and the way things work. It sounds like her mother isn’t a very nice person and clearly doesn’t like that your having a baby with her ex husband. She shouldn’t be taking it out on you her own daughter though, she needs counselling by the sounds of it too. 
it all takes time and patience, you can and will get through this with your husband and your step daughter!
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she needs to know that this behavior is stressing you and the baby and if it continues she will have to go to her mom. this is non negotiable.
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I would take her to counseling
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It’s probably a little bit the baby but I’d money the mom is in her ear about how they don’t need her anymore because they are having their own baby now. Which probably complicates the feelings the daughter is already having. Her mom is the one sabotaging the relationship and the daughter is stuck in the middle and and confused and conflicted feelings. I’ve been there… It’s very sad…
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Dealing with narcissists they turn people against a target . Narc parents will groom children to not like a person . They spread lies etc
I learned the best way is to be authentic and true to your goodness.
He should make her a therapy appointment without the mom being involved.
You should take her on a step mother bonus daughter date. Go get ur nails done have time to bond.
Your husband and you need to sit down with her about the rules and boundaries and consequences to breaking the rules that way its not on just you . And she already knows and is told clearly if you break these rules this is what will happen. Let her know you care about her and will no matter what and it’s unconditional but her actions are causing you stress. Ask her what you can do to make the relationship better and that just because you don’t like her acting out doesn’t change your love for her.
Ur husband has to have ur back with all this
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