I Found Out My Dad Is Talking to Another Woman During a Bad Family Time: Should I Tell My Mom?

Relationships
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QUESTION:

"My son was mauled by pit bulls on January 24th. He has a lot of surgeries ahead of him, and he has already had 12 reconstructive surgeries. He basically got the left side of his face ripped off. He has a tracheotomy tube that requires 24-hour care.

I am managing it well, and I usually do everything by myself. It can get scary sometimes, like when he has a mucus plug stuck in his trach, and I can’t get it out. It literally stops him from breathing. On one occasion, when we first came home from the hospital, a mucus plug had gotten stuck in his trach, and he stops breathing. He turned blue, and it was the scariest moment of my life. I thought my baby was dead.

My dad breathed into his trach until paramedics got there. My mother helps me with everyday care, such as bathing him, feeding him (he also has a G tube), and just making sure he is okay when I’m showering or away from him. My family is really close, and they have always been my support system, especially my parents.

With everything going on with my son and how close we have to be, every doctor’s appointment and surgery, I just couldn’t imagine my mom and dad not being there and doing it TOGETHER.

I found out recently that my dad has been talking to another woman. A coworker. Back story: my parents have been married for 23 years. When they were in there, 20’s my dad caught my mom cheating on him. He didn’t leave because of me and my sister.

Over the years, my mom can be naggy and absolutely crazy. It is a lot for my dad to deal with. But he has been talking with this woman all hours of the night. Me and sister confronted him on it and he says he is not leaving my mom. And he basically denied emotionally talking to this woman.

It’s a struggle for my dad to be with my mom. My thing is if you didn’t want to be with her, why wait 20 years when your grandson, wife, and daughter need you most? I’m just utterly lost and have no clue if I should tell my mom or confront my dad again."

RELATED QUESTION: Should I Tell a Friend Her Boyfriend Is Cheating?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“Leave them be. You have enough to worry about. And all you really know he is talking. Maybe he needs someone right now - doesn’t mean he will have an affair or that he is leaving. Besides sounds like he saved his free pass from 20 years ago.”

“I would tell him to tell her first. If he doesn’t, then you should tell her.”

“I would mind my own business.”

“Yes, he should tell her. But he shouldn’t have to stay with someone simply because you have a lot going on. They can both be very supportive active grandparents even if they aren’t together. I know you are scared, but trust me, you can’t change what might happen, and their relationship isn’t going to depend on everyone else.”

“if your mom cheated and he stayed, kudos on him for carrying that burden to provide a stable house for you and your siblings. And don’t get it twisted, it is/was a burden for him to not trust his partner in all the years he’s stayed. It’s not your place to tell anything, especially if they are just talking. Men and women can be friends and it sounds like he needs someone who will listen to him, let him vent because the women in his life obviously only lean on him for support and don’t show any back. Men have feelings too.”

“If you’re in your mom’s shoes… What would you want? Honesty? Or being lied to…”

“Leave them to handle their own business. You don’t know both sides of the story. You may cause unnecessary pain for everyone by butting in on their business. I’m sure your hands are full with your son and he will suffer if this comes out but you are putting yourself in the spot to choose sides.”

“My dad cheated on my mom (she isn’t the easiest to get along with) for a while a lot of people knew (I wasn’t one of them) just didn’t say anything, finally when someone did tell her she wasn’t just upset with him but everyone that kept it secret. If you think she doesn’t know, then, personally, I would tell her, but ultimately I think it’s your choice.”

“While cheating is horrible… you don’t know the whole story. Confront your dad as much as you need to… encourage him to come clean with your mom. But from the way it sounds your mom is absolutely toxic for him… and this other woman may be what is keeping him holding on. If that is the case…help your dad do what he needs to do to be healthy.”

Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!

READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

76 Likes
2

I would tell him to tell her first. If he doesnt, then you should tell her.

14 Likes
3

If you’re in your mom’s shoes… What would you want? honesty? or being lied to…

9 Likes
4

Let ot be.pray about it.

2 Likes
5

What she said ,I would give him the chance to tell her and a timeframe I’d be like you better tell her by (whatever day) and if you don’t that’s on you because on that day I’m gonna ask her about it to make sure you did the right thing. If he was not in an emotional relationship with her he wouldn’t be hiding it from your mom or talking all hours of the night

5 Likes
6

well here’s the thing I understand that you have a life going on right now with your son and things are very hard but their marriage and their relationship with you and your son are two completely different things. Men tend to run away when responsibility gets overwhelming, regardless of how you need them together your mom also needs to know the truth because what your dad is doing at the end of the day is still cheating. It’s not like if they divorce they’re not going to be around to help you they’re still going to have a relationship with you and with their grandson they just might not be together anymore and if your dad really wasn’t hiding anything your mother would already know about the conversation he’s been having with this other woman your dad’s hiding it for a reason. . .the fact that you feel you need to ask strangers for their opinion already shows you know it’s wrong and that you need to tell her. I really hope things get better with your son though that has to be very hard to go through.

4 Likes
7

I would mind my own business

19 Likes
8

I know this is an unpopular opinion but… in my opinion I think its not your place to say something. I do agree with telling him …tell her or consequences… but i just feel it seems like your emotionally overwhelmed (reasonably) and your mind is in overdrive. I think their relationship is and has been complicated and I think you should focus on you your child (ren) and let them figure their shit out on their own. Your only going to add more to your plate by getting involved

9

I would tell her… or give your dad a option to.

10

Leave them be. You have enough to worry about. And all you really know he is talking. Maybe he needs someone right now - doesn’t mean he will have an affair or that he is leaving. Besides sounds like he saved his free pass from 20 years ago.

15 Likes
11

I’d tell her. Doesnt mean he cant still be there for you and your son. Who knows maybe your mom already knows

1 Like
12

It’s not your business.

10 Likes
13

Stay out of it. Your parents relationship is none of your business.

9 Likes
14

My daughter was 10. Her dad took her on a date with a girlfriend. My daughter broke down crying one night and told me what had happened. I asked her dad and he said she was lying.

15

My son lied to me when he knew the whole time his dad was fucking someone behind my back our relationship changed completely and I resented him for not being man enough.

16

While cheating is horrible… you don’t know the whole story. Confront your dad as much as you need to… encourage him to come clean with your mom. But from the way it sounds your mom is absolutely toxic for him… and this other woman may be what is keeping him holding on. If that is the case…help your dad do what he needs to do to be healthy.

5 Likes
17

I believe that when your mom finds out and finds out you knew she would be hurt you kept it from her. But its a hard situation

2 Likes
18

U need to mind your own business.

6 Likes
19

Id leave it be only because you’re mom is gonna stay because she fucked up 20 years ago. How can a destroyed family come together to help you and your child. Maybe it is harmless talking. I talk to guys all the time nothing sexual or emotionally just someone to talk too. Sounds like you are reading alot into it, could honestly be nothing but a friend.

20

I’d stay all the way away from that. Not your relationship, not your business.

3 Likes
21

Maybe your dad is just being friends with this woman. Seems like you guys have a lot on your plate. So maybe its just easier to talk to someone else. There is nothing wrong with just talking to someone. Personally your dad sounds like great guy. He stuck around for everyone put his happiness aside to keep his family together. So if he was doggin your mom he wouldn’t get caught talking to a woman. Personally id stay out of their business.

2 Likes
22

Tell him to tell her and give him the opportunity to come clean. If he doesn’t, then it becomes your burden to tell her and not lie to her. She’s your mother for god’s sake.

8 Likes
23

If my dad did something like that to my mom, i would’ve told my mom IMMEDIATELY!

2 Likes
24

:eyes: some of y’all in these comments…

4 Likes
25

Yes he should tell her

But he shouldn’t have to stay with someone simply because you have a lot going on

They can both be very supportive active grandparents even if they srnt together

I know you scared , but trust me you can’t change what might happen , and their relationship isn’t going to depend on everyone else xxx

7 Likes
26

First,do you even know if he hasn’t told your mom about his talks with this other lady…maybe she is just an ear…for stress…do you know for certain its a secret conversation going on…ask dad if mom knows about said conversations…and if dad is hiding it…then that alone isnot right for his relationship with his wife.

1 Like
27

You should mind your own business. Stay out of it.

8 Likes
28

Yall saying to mind her own buisness what if you were the mom? Yall ridiculous. Tell her or confront him.

3 Likes
29

You need to tell her. The people saying it’s not your business are crazy. Those are your PARENTS. Even when it’s a friend and you know their s/o is cheating you should tell them. Everyone deserves to know. The people saying keep the family secret are also the ones probably cool with keeping the family rapist a secret. Gross.

4 Likes
30

Leave them to handle their own business. You don’t know both sides of the story. You may cause unnecessary pain for everyone by butting in on their business . I’m sure your hands are full with your son and he will suffer if this comes out but you are putting yourself in the spot to choose sides.

6 Likes
31

I think that is between your parents and is not something you need to meddle in. Tell your dad how you feel. But ultimately they are grown-ups and are responsible for their own actions. It’s not your responsibility. Praying for you and your family

5 Likes
32

Is there anyway you can apply for assistance for home healthcare? I don’t know the whole story about the attack, but some states provide aid for such circumstances. It would help all of you it sounds like. :heart:

1 Like
33

My mom left my dad after 32 years of marriage for his best friend. That being said you can be mad but it isn’t your business

34

You asked him and he denied so why don’t you trust him? Mind your business. Sounds like he needs an outlet.

2 Likes
35

So I have experience with this. My mother had an affair on my father. Told my sister and I about it. I told my dad. He stayed 3 years longer. My mother hates me still. (It’s been almost 10 years) my father left started a life and no longer talks to me or my kiddos. My sister is the favorite for both parents. I’m gonna be honest with you. I wish I wouldn’t have told him. I wish I would have minded my business. But on the other side. If it was my hubby cheating on me your damn right I’d wanna know

36

You’re going through so much right now. Do you really want family drama added to it all & possibly loose your biggest supporters? You know dad’s going to be mad at you. Mom might be too.

37

The problem with outting your dad to your mom is that you don’t have the whole story or know the truth so you may end up causing unnecessary drama in an already tense time. It’s very possible that he wasn’t lying when he told you he isn’t leaving your mom and isn’t cheating. Let them work it out between themselves like adults. Feel free to badger your dad all you want, but don’t put yourself in the middle of someone else’s marital issues. You have enough to focus on and should just worry about your child. Your parents will work it out.

5 Likes
38

It is possible that mom is so difficult to deal with that dad needs someone that he feels is on his side

2 Likes
39

You have confronted him, now back off. Who knows, it may be an arrangement between your mom and dad. It’s none of your business now that you’ve talked to your dad about it.

2 Likes
40

I hate the term “talking to” because to me, that just means talking with and to other’s it can mean a WHOLE lot more. I personally couldn’t be the person to break my mom’s heart though.

41

You already said that when your mom cheated your dad stayed because of you and your sister. Now you are asking why he waited 20 years. You answered your own question. You may always feel that you need him to be there for you, which is fine. But you and your son are not his legal responsibility. Maybe he knows that he did his duty while you were growing up and he feels it is ‘his’ time now.

2 Likes
42

I think your mother should find out just as you father had to find out (on her own) I say don’t stir the pot and just focus on your sons recovery. The last thing anyone needs with the way the world is now is drama . Best of luck !

43

My dad cheated on my mom (she isn’t the easiest to get along with) for a while a lot of people knew (I wasn’t one of them) just didn’t say anything, finally when someone did tell her she wasn’t just upset with him but everyone that kept it secret. If you think she doesn’t know then personally I would tell her, but ultimately I think it’s your choice.

5 Likes
44

So either way feelings are going to be hurt… your mom is going to be upset no one told her, and y’all knew.
So you could not tell her but risk that playing into factor.

Or you could tell her and risk hurting your dad. Either way, I’ve been in similar shoes with my parents but it was more like a step mom, my mom passed away when I was younger.
I obviously chose my dad, my dad did do the right thing once I found out and told her. We left not too long after that

You just gotta weigh out the options. It sucks you’re in the middle of it, and ultimately your son is too because you are.

I would confront your dad again if it were me and just explain to him that this could disrupt your sons life not just yours and your moms and sisters.
If he has any compassion he’d do what’s right and tell your mom. If he doesn’t then he obviously doesn’t care if she’s told…

45

Right now I leave it be you have to much to deal with to be adding drama to the mix if it comes out it comes out

46

That’s a hard decision

47

It may sound selfish and maybe it is but I wouldn’t say anything right now. You need your family units strength right now.

48

Honestly your mom knows already. She most likely is just trying to hide it from you all but she knows a d the fact she cheated before she might just know it was coming let them figure it out tell your dad to be honest and convince him to tell her himself but I’m positive your mom already knows what going on.

49

Sounds like your parents have always had issues as a couple. It doesn’t sound like a happy, full of love and respect kind of marriage. It’s been broken. Sounds like your dad sacrificed his happiness so that he wouldn’t affect you children in a negative way(not a reason to stay. He did what he thought was right. Trust me us as kids do not know everything that goes on you know her parents marriages and we shouldn’t know either. I’m sure you don’t tell your parents everything that goes on with your significant other or your kids. Sometimes people wait 20 plus years to get divorced because the children are grown by then with their own life and they don’t have to worry about them as much. Which is what may be going on with your dad, you telling your mom and maybe the last Straw. It’s definitely not an easy decision. I don’t understand why you would try to guilt your dad into staying in a marriage or your mom into staying in a marriage that they’re clearly not happy with just because you need help with your child. they can still be there for you even if they’re not married they can still be there for your kids even if they’re not married. sometimes people are happier divorced and that’s just the truth of it. I understand they’re your parents and you love them and you look at them like your parents but don’t try to look at it as their parents look at them as people and look at if they’re truly happy with each other. Try to leave your emotions as their child out of it & know that they are adults and can make their own decisions. You’re going to love your parents regardless of anything. I would say if you feel the need to tell your mom go ahead and tell her let them figure it out after that.

1 Like
50

Hope your son heals quickly :heart:

51

Sweetie…right now just take care of your son…sounds like no matter what happens between them, they both will have your back

52

Hang on, how dare you make it all about you needing him. What about what he needs? Hes a human being aswell, maybe he just needs an outlet for his frustrations and emotional feelings, you already said your mum is naggy and difficult to live with for him, quite possibly this is just friendship and support for him, sounds like he sure needs it! Maybe arrange a coffee with your dad and his friend. Sounds like both your mum and dad do a lot for you, you should be supporting what they need aswell. Have you tried talking to your dad? Asking how he is? If he needs to get anything off his chest? Is he happy? Could you support him more? Does he need to talk about himself sometimes to you all. Or does he support all you while he isn’t aloud anyone? This is why men suffer mental health problems in silence.

4 Likes
53

Your mom probably knows.

3 Likes
54

I’d say stay out of it.

2 Likes
55

You should mind your business.
He is being there for you and your son.

3 Likes
56

Wouldn’t you want to be told someone is cheating :thinking:

57

OMFG I’m So Sorry for your poor baby.
Bless you.

As for your mom, I don’t think that’s your responsibility.

58

I’d say you have enough to worry about, don’t create drama when it’s not needed. One thing at a time. Focus on your son and if it’s still going on when he’s better and you still feel the need to tell her then go ahead but right now it’s not your business.

59

She already knows. If not it’s because she doesn’t want to know.

1 Like
60

Your focus should only be about your son they are grown adults let them figure it out.

2 Likes
61

Just focus on your son.

2 Likes
62

If you don’t know for sure that he is involved with this women, don’t create a false imagine.

1 Like
63

Parents (especially back in the day) usually only stayed together for the kids and perhaps that’s why they are still together. You and your son need them. As brutal as it may sound, your mom probably already knows and their marriage probably ended a long time ago. I wouldn’t mention it. If it’s bothering you that much, speak to your dad about it.

4 Likes
64

I dont have parents. I dont have family.
But damn. Did that hurt.
Cause they think it’s best to have a complete family unit.
Maybe he was happy for a moment and then it went downhill
You can’t really come back once someone cheats, anyhow.
And I’m sorry for you and your son. Thats terrible
He made the sacrifice with his happiness to raise children in a home together I get it, but it doesn’t help cause now you’re upset with him

Ultimately. It is your parents to hash out not you

65

Just focus on your baby
You do not need any more drama or turmoil especially right now !

1 Like
66

if your mom cheated and he stayed, kudos on him for carrying that burden to provide a stable house for you and your siblings. And don’t get it twisted, it is/was a burden for him to not trust his partner in all the years he’s stayed. Its not your place to tell anything, especially if they are just talking. Men and women can be friends and it sounds like he needs someone who will listen to him, let him vent because the women in his life obviously only lean on him for support and don’t show any back. Men have feelings too

6 Likes
67

I’m sorry for what you are having to deal with. But, you think your dad could see into the future? To day why wait when we need you? The one that needs his support is his grandchild. His happiness matters. Also if they are just talking why cause trouble. Your dad probably doesn’t feel like he can go to anyone in his family.

68

I’m so sorry that this is happening between your parents. That being said, it is between your parents and you should just leave it alone. They are the ones that need to work through this.

69

Just leave it . Your mama probably already knows . I’m really sorry about your son and you’re an incredible mom!!!

1 Like
70

By the sounds of things, your mom and dad have most likely already discussed between themselves, where their relationship stands… it sounds like they are probably only living under the same roof for the benefit of their family not for the benefit of themselves… it also seems like you have enough on your plate with your son ( god bless you all) and if I were you, I would leave my parents marriage to them. It’s not yours to figure out!

1 Like
71

Your dad is being a dad, a grandfather and a husband… he is a stand up dude. He just also has a girlfriend. Not the worst thing that could happen. He deserves to be happy. He is doing his best.

I would wanna know if someone was cheating on me sure… but if my wife of 23 years doesn’t know before my children do… then obviously my wife isn’t there for me like I need her to be.

I think it’s not my monkey not my circus. That’s their business.

3 Likes
72

Talk to ur dad and let him tell her…you concentrate on taking care of your son.

73

Leave it alone. Not your drama.

74

It’s not your place to tell. Let it go. Talk to your dad after your son is better.

75

F that. Tell her, I wish someone would have told me. If she knows she will Tell you to mind your business, if not she will deal with it how she needs to.

3 Likes
76

Sorry but just because your mum cheated years ago and you now find your dad talking to a lady friend all hours doesn’t mean he is cheating on her…I for 1 have 1 female friend who I do not talk to about personal issues but I have a very close male friend ONLY A FRIEND and we talk about everything on his side and mine…sometimes it’s easier talking to the opposite sex than it is with your own gender or partner for that matter…i would not cheat on my partner but I would not stop talking to a male friend just because someone THINKS I am having an affair…

77

It looks like your parents already dealt with a failing marriage but they did not want to fail as parents and grandparents that is why they are still together until now. Besides, if you never heard them arguing about it maybe your mother already know and they already talked about it maturely. Maybe they wanted to focus on the bigger thing that matters more right now - their grandson.

78

I actually can’t believe the amount of comments I’m seeing to “mind your own business”. What if it was YOU your SO was cheating on? Would you want people to “mind their business” and you continue on to be disrespected and humiliated because people knew but chose not to disclose that information to you? I would think not. Regardless of the circumstances i believe she deserves to know and if she chooses to stay and work on the relationship then that should be her choice.

6 Likes
79

Think about if your mom finds out you knew about it and didn’t tell her. She would not only be hurt by your fathers betrayal but also by you not telling her. She will be more likely to shy away from you.

4 Likes
80

I guess everyone saying it’s okay dont tell her. Is okay with cheating as long as they dont know wow :eyes:

2 Likes
81

100% not okay they are still married it doesn’t matter what their relationship is like. If you want to talk to other people, That is the beginning of everything, Leave your first relationship first and don’t hurt anyone! If he was hurt years ago it doesn’t make it right to hurt her now. I’d keep confronting him because eventually he will confront your mum himself out of fear that you girls will beat him to it if you’re persistently questioning him

1 Like
82

Maybe your Mom knows and they have some unspoken thing about it. I don’t know what you thought you were going to do - shame him or guilt him to do what you think he should do ? Is this the MOST important thing you need to have resolved or do you need them as fucked up and weird as they are to each other but helping you out like they have been?? I don’t ever want to tell anyone what to think feel or believe or ultimatum people when I don’t have to deal with consequences.

83

I do not believe in cheating. I also do not believe in being the 3rd person in a relationship; so I would not say anything. I would however, highly encourage my father seek counseling with a priest or healthy professional and see if that helps.

84

I’m sorry about your son and pray he’ll be ok. Your parents have their marriage and you have to watch boundaries. Its really not your place to tell her, its his. This doesn’t sound like the best time…

85

Noithing wrong with talking to someone as long as they don’t step over the line. Maybe he talks to her to distress himself

86

That’s alot of stress, on top of everything else… I’d start with confronting your dad and see what he says. Hopefully it’s just a friend someone he can confide in that’s outside of the circle ya know…

87

No. That’s not your relationship, responsibility or any of your business.
You’ve got enough on your plate and two parents that love you and love your child doing everything they can to help both of you.
Your son is alive and hopefully will make a full recovery. Focus on that.

88

If he’s not happy then he should leave if that what he wants. That does not mean the family has to fall apart. The choice is yours to be in his life. But if yours mom is not good to him why should he suffer. Don’t be selfish thinking only of yourself.Yes you need both of them to help you but they don’t have to be there as a couple. Get some help for all mental health for everyone. Where is your man during all this as well as the other set of grand parents.

89

Everyone has told you to stay out of it, but as a mother I think you should talk to your father and ask him to confess to your mother what is happening or you will. It will hurts me more to feel betrayed by my son or daughter than by a man

2 Likes
90

Your son is your main focus,just because he is talking to her does not mean he is cheating on your mom.Ask him if he is cheating,if he is, tell him he needs to tell your mom cause you know about the woman and you don 't want to be in the middle of it with all that is going on with your son ,and you need him and your mom to help with your son.

91

Prayers sent to you and your son. I would just focus on your son.

92

Echoing. Stay out of it.

93

I wouldn’t tell your mom… he should do that instead.

1 Like
94

I say talk to your dad and tell him you know. And he needs to come clean yo your mom

95

Agreed. It’s none of your business

96

Just focus on your son getting better

1 Like
97

None of your business. If your mom did him like that, and as you say in your own words, naggy, crazy, and cheated, then maybe this woman is his outlet for some type of positivity thru this awful ordeal. He is probably getting positive reinforcement that he is not getting with your mom to maintain and help YOU out. Mind ya business and take of your child.

1 Like
98

I definitely don’t condone cheating, but when it’s our parents and we are all adults, it needs to be handled differently. Personally, I would respectfully bring it to my dads attention and just ask him about it in a way he cannot deny. With all that you have going on, you need your family. Maybe pray about it and let God lead you. Look at what he’s gotten you through and the support he’s provided you this far. Lean on him.

99

She deserves the truth what about what she’s going through

100

He should be talking to his wife not other women