I think his wife should know especially if they may have kids. It’s his fault for messing around and not being a dad don’t let him. Blame you.
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He got himself into his own mess he’s gotta figure it out and be straight with his wife. Your child def doesn’t deserve that.
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In my opinion if he hasn’t made any effort to come see her that’s his own fault, and that’s precious time he’s losing with her. He’s missing out on so many things. I’d keep him updated every once in awhile just so he knows how she is, because if you two ever end up going to court for any reason, it’ll look good on your part and bad on his. It’s definitely wrong he is trying to keep the baby a secret, I don’t think you should of stopped child support because he asked you, I’m sure that was just so his wife wouldn’t find out. He needs to provide, that’s the least he can do.
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U did not make this baby on ur own. Advocates for ur child. If he can’t man up the do it for him. Send his wife an anonymous msg if u can’t straight up tell her (which is what I would do) . She needs to know what her husband has been up to. It’s not fair to her, their kids (if he has a family with her), ur daughter or to u! Get that asshole for child support. Don’t keep him from seeing ur daughter but if he can’t man up then that’s okay him. U leave that door n ball in his court to be apart of ur daughters life. Also, u aren’t ruining his life, he already made that decision when he stepped out on his marriage.
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Financially he is supporting her which is good. Should he stop support go for CS.
All you can do is talk to him about the situation, what you want and find a balance.
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First off why would u allow him to be secretly in her life. That’s his child and some people should know to ne involved.
Then why would u cancel child support when he says no.
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Tell the wife and file for Childsupport!
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Do without ties. Let him in and out. Sadly. But leave door open. Always if ever taken to court he CNt use oh she wouldn’t let me see her. As for cs. I’d he’s paying then keep it. Not your mess up his. It’ll let your daughter know u tried
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You closed the case?? That’s ridiculous, stop sparing his feelings!! You have a child to think about FIRST. He’s the one that chose to be unfaithful to his wife and lie to you. So it’s time to stop worrying about his feelings and worry about him supporting the child he produced.
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It is his responsibility to pay child support. His marital issues are not your problem. Your child being taken care of is.
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I’d be messaging his wife myself at this point. He doesn’t get to see her secretly and continue having his cake and eating it too. Time to mannnnn up buddy boy.
If they also have kids, your daughter deserves to know siblings. You aren’t ruining his life, he “ruined” his own life. You don’t need to “ruin” your daughters life by keeping her a secret
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So you get punished for his actions?? Why are u letting him have everything go his way while you and your baby suffer financially
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Besides the wife and all the conflict the child has the right to know her dad and one day as a mother you will need to reveal the details so it’s best to fess up now then later when all time has gone 
goodluck. Also it is his fault for cheating so don’t feel bad about conflict at the end of the day a child has been on this earth and needs both parents love and attention 
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Contact csa and let him deal with that. Do not let him be in your child’s life in secret.
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Cut him off, your sole responsibility is that child. Fuck him it’s a loss and it sucks but you gotta mom up now and focus hard on your family that is right infront of you
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I’ve been in this exact situation. My daughter is now 3 and he wants to be apart of her life.
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This is your daughter. Get it together woman! If you don’t fight for her well being no one will. File for child support. Give him an ultimatum. Either he’s in or out but there is no in between. You are raising a girl who will be a woman. Show her self respect. Show her how to be loved and how not to be loved even if it wasn’t done for you.
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The baby deserves to know…her grandmother, grandfather and siblings…aunts and uncles…file for child support…get it legally. Dont hide your baby … you didnt know he was married. …but he did.
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It’s ok that you were timid as an individual but your a mom now and that part of you needs to die. You’re your only child’s advocate, don’t let her down.
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No. If you need CS take it from him. He ruined his life when he slept with someone else knowing he made vows to another woman. Your daughter is not a side chick and her dad is not allowed to treat her as one.
I’ve actually been in a super similar situation, I stood up for my daughter and said she deserves 100% from her dad or to leave her be. He chose leave her alone.
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Destroy it…your daughter is not a dirty little secret and stuff him for asking you to teach her she is by promoting secret visits!
If he wants anything to do with her, it’s out in the open… and screw it! He stepped out on his wife, he knew it was wrong…your child deserves to be taken care of so go for the support…
Actions have consequences, he made his bed, make him lie in it…
Don’t tiptoe around his feelings, do what needs to be done for your daughter so she doesn’t grow up thinking something is wrong with her, so so so wrong for him to even suggest that…
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Even though you don’t like confrontation, how would you feel if one day your Husband did this to you? I would find a way to find the wife…explain what happened & you didn’t know & you just want your child to know her Father if he cares to know her…1 thing is for sure…Do Not Beg him to have a relationship w your daughter…If he doesn’t want one. Let him go…but wife should definitely know. I’d file that cs asap. Even if you dont need it now…you may need it later or you could put it all in a savings account for her later. Stop worrying about what he’s asking of you. You are just allowing him to play all of you & none of u deserve that.
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Ask him to give up his rights and walk away.
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Just tell the wife yaself
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Block him and move on. You and your baby are not a dirty little secret.
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He the one to chose to cheat on his wife, it’s his obligation to take care of his child.
You didnt ruin his life, he did
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It is not your place to tell the wife. That is being vindictive. It can also get you killed these days. Decide if you need the support and if so, file. But just know that he could get visitation and your child could go stay with the wife during visits. Are you prepared for that? She might say she’s ok with it but take it out on the child. That’s a can of worms I’d leave shut tight and raise the child on my own. Learn from your mistakes and next time, get to know someone first.
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Is there a Mediator?!
Cut all contact . What a psycho 
a kid deserves more then that and you didn’t ruin he’s life he knew what he was doing when he got you pregnant . If he threatens you physically please get a dvo/avo so he cannot come near you or your child and fuck him hopefully he’s wife does find out that’s horrible what a evil prick .
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I would tell his wife myself!
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If he wants to see his daughter, it should be ordered through the courts. They will help set up a stable visitational plan so it’s not all up in the air for you.
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Are you financially capable of supporting your child? If so, do it. Don’t talk negatively about him as your child grows up. This man will have to live with the fact that he created a beautiful child with you and refuses to be a part of his/her life. This will be his cross to bear not yours. I’m a firm believer in raising a child I chose to create.
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I’d tell his wife. She deserve to know what kind of man she is married to. To be in his child’s life secretly is crazy. It’s not yours or the babies fought he is unfaithful. I wouldn’t let noone say I will be in my child’s life secretly. That’s just wrong for the child an everyone involved. And why cancel when he said so? You both made the baby so it’s his job to help an not just when he wants to or when he can get away from his other life that’s not fair either. Stop being so nice to this man honey an feeling sorry for him. He knew what he was doing!!
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Tell her yourself at that point
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You didn’t destroy his life. He did.
If he didnt want her to find out he shouldn’t have slept with you to begin with. If I were you I’d tell her my damn self, take him for child support, and cut him off all in one day.
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Being in and out of the childs life is not fair to her. Tell him man up or stay away! No matter what happens about that he needs to pay child support. Not just when he feels like it. You asking for child support is not you ruining his life. He shoulda kept his god dam pants on of he didn’t want this type of thing complicated his life with his wife. HE did that not you so make his ass party child support. Whether you need it or not is not the issue. He made that child with you, he needs to support her even if you don’t need it. I hope his wife finds out cuz she needs to kick his sorry cheating ass to the curb!
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Be open and honest, the more you hide the more damage it’s going to do , his wife has the right to know so does that child , he made a mistake but it’s you who is responsible for your child , communication is the key get him to fess up so his wife and your daughter have a chance
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What are you doing… File cs and stop communication with him. Let her know too. Oh well. And stop hooking up with married men…
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Honestly Just walk away. It’s sad your daughter doesn’t have her dad around but sounds like it’s going to benefit her more then if he was “around” I would cut ties and live happily ever after with my baby
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Wait? Wtf did I just read?
You said you asked him to walk away, now you want him there?
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File for child support because he did this to his life not you or your daughter. Cut all communication until you go to court. Do not feel bad for him in any ways at all. He’s the one missing out in reality not her.
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Fuck that cut all ties… He ruined his relationship with his wife, so he should man up and tell her about your daughter and you.
I would slide up in his wifes inbox and tell her myself 💁🤷 but I’m petty like that
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That is a stressful situation, I’m sorry you’re going through all this chaos. I think the decision needs to be made whether he is in her life or not because the back and forth visits will be damaging to your child.
I believe how wife deserves to know. Put yourself in her shoes, imagine being in a marriage you believe with your heart is loving yet this man has a secret life behind your back. I would definitely want to know and nobody deserves to be living a lie. You and your daughter deserve better than this. He either needs to screw off for good or tell his wife. Best of luck to you mama
As a wife and mother I’d want to know. File for child support screw his life he had an affair he can deal with the consequences.
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First off… He “ruined” his life when he decided to step out on his wife.
Second…If he lives in a different state, it’s going to be hard to be in her life.
Third… After 7 months and she still doesn’t know… That should let you know he isn’t going to be there anyway.
File for child support.
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Tell the wife herself that’s just so shit that hes living a secret life behind his wife’s back I mean wouldn’t you want to know if you were in the wifes shoes ? Ur doing more damage keeping tiva secret ur pretty much just as bad as him tbh
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You’re never wrong for how you feel.
Message the wife, she has every right to know!!!
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Obviously he hasn’t told his wife about anything that’s why he’s flipped at the cs. Don’t give in. File again and let him see his daughter but not in secret, get a parenting plan. He’s already ‘ ruined’ his life by cheating and making a child ?
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He doesn’t deserve to be in her life if he’s “flipping out” get that cs and be done with him. I understand wanting him in her life but it seems like he wouldn’t be reliable and that will hurt her more in the long run
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Bethany Dalton who does this sound like lol.
Honestly, go through with the CS. Tell his wife, spare her of the secrets and the pain when she finds out on her own.
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Personally would be have told his wife but I would just forget the child support, it will open you up for custody issues, particularly since he can’t actually commit to being around consistently. I think it would be healthier just to keep him out of her life until she’s older. If I had the chance to cut ties with my kids dad I absolutely would and I would gladly sacrifice the child support to do so.
KNOW UR WORTH HUN. U have a daughter now so teach her to be a strong woman n not take this bullshit from any man.
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really why would you even want anything to do with a lieing cheating sly pathic poor excuse of a man hit him for child suppport and tell his wife what a horrible thing to hide from her
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Tell the fucking wife and get the child support.
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File for child support. Let the wife know what went down and that you’re able to offer DNA proof before they start yelling around you’re lying. Then continue with legality of child support.
If he wants to be around he will. If not. Fine. But atleast your daughter is young enough it doesn’t matter which way this goes you have time to sort it all out.
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He flipped out about child support because his wife will find out he was stepping out, you and your child deserve financial support. It took 2 to make her so 2 to support her financially. Do what’s right for your child.
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You should have never closed the CS case. His wife needs to find out soon and bot once your kid is old enough to knock on their door .
I hope you kicked him to the curb.
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You will never be wrong for feeling a certain way about what you are going through. At the end of the day, in my opinion is to think about her future, health wise. She will need to know who her father is in case she has some health issue that the doctor would like to know about family history. That and her feelings. I know she is young right now but she deserves to know who he is. HE is the one who stepped out on his marriage. He had a promise to her, not you. So again, at the end of the day, while I don’t know exactly how I would feel if I found out the father of my child was married, I would first and foremost go ahead and file for custody. While he is not on the birth certificate, depending on whatever state you live in, if nobody has custody of the child, either parent can take the child and move away. As horrible as this sounds, I would not worry about what having him being acknowledged as her father does to his marriage. Your amazing little girl deserves to know her father even if he isn’t going to be there for her. My ex husband hasn’t seen our daughter since she was 3, she is 14 now. She knows who he is… I let her form her own opinion of him. Not one bad word came out of my mouth about him to her. When she asked about why her daddy didn’t love her, (most heartbreaking thing in the world) All I told her was that some times in life, people need more time to mature and grow up. I told her that without a doubt I know he loves her… he was just working on himself, working on being a healthier person. Probably not my exact words but pretty close. But to answer your question, no you are not wrong for how you are feeling. You will also not be wrong if you choose to completely change your mind about it. We are only human and we have feelings. You are a momma bear and you are the only one who knows what’s best for your child. Having child support or not, like you have mentioned, isn’t the issue. I think you have already made up your mind love. Write things down and read over them. Make sure you are confident in whatever decision you will be choosing, make a plan of action, possible consequences… pros and cons type of thing… and just hit the floor running with your plan and don’t stop until you get it done. It will be rough I am sure but that precious little baby is worth any and everything little thing you may have to endure with this. You got this momma. I am rooting for you. <3
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I’d file and move on with my life 
your not ruining his life, he decided to take the action of sleeping with you knowing he was married and the consequences are he’s gotta be a dad somehow stick up for your kid because if you don’t now when will you???
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I don’t know what you should do. It’s a really complicated situation to be in. But, what I will say, is: be careful about reaching out to his wife, or threatening him that you will. Men have killed women (and their own children!) over this shit.
Clearly he was deceiving both you and his wife. And he’s still thinking about himself claiming you are “destroying” HIS life. Based on the information you provided it doesn’t sound like you know him well at all. Therefore you don’t know what he’s capable of to save his own ass.
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I’d let her know. I have a daughter who doesn’t know her half sister cause her mom won’t allow it, and it breaks my heart! He doesn’t see my daughter and barely started giving CS pmts. She’s going to be 13 this year. 
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Cut off ties,it’s best to do it now before she will remember
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Forget him…save you & your baby much heartache &; stress. He needs to grow up…
& reapplying for CS which you are entitled to, would be a start.Let him take on the State… I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could kick him… All he wants is sex, no responsibilities…what a muppet & a loser. If he was one of my sons, I’d be so ashamed of him…grr grr
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I would tell him, he either tells his wife about you and the child or you’re cutting ties right now.
My advice, raise your child and be more careful in the future as to whom you share your body with. Forget him!
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U get no blame for his life turn out. He made choices and it’s time for him to deal with the mess he has made. If it were my husband, I would want to know. File for child support, move on in your life for you and your child, and make him deal with his responsibilities. U did not make this child alone and should not have to financially take care of a child alone. It’s time to do u baby girl.
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First of all if he wants to keep her a secret , he’s no good ! He will not openly acknowledge her as his child, then he doesn’t deserve to be her father!!!
Cut that bastard off & put your big girl parties on and get on with your little family’s life!! All your daughter needs is you, she needs you to be strong & confident and to handle your business! She does not need to be in the middle of some soap opera bcuz he’s a douche for cheating on his wife!!!
When she’s old enough and asks (if you haven’t married & found her a real father) you can say he died! Bcuz seriously he should be dead to you for putting you & your daughter on the back burner!
Your beautiful baby does not deserve to be treated like a dirty little secret!
Fuck him & his needs!!
It’s All About Your Daughter Now!!!
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Why would you want a cheating scumbag as a part of your daughter’s life? Second, you can’t make him be a part of her life if he doesn’t want to. Third he should be financially supporting your child. Quit letting him think that this is ruining his life…he did that to himself. Realize YOUR worth and do what is best for you.
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I would fill full custody an visit to your consent then I would fill child support an then tell him wife an keep all proof of texting an all
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You deserve better, do not accept anything less than that! As a woman, I feel like his wife needs to know asap and you should make that happen yourself.
Your daughter deserves more! This man has proven he’s incapable of stepping up for her.
Having no father is 100 times healthier for her than his half assed attempts.
Tell his wife!
File for support!
Cut ties!
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I would have left the child support case open and let him deal with the fallout, It’s on him to deal with his wife, Why should your daughter be a dirty little secret?
How dare he treat her that way, And how dare you go with it!
Thus far you’ve prioritised him and his wants not your daughter, Get it together and do what is best for your daughter.
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Well your definitely better off without him…
I would just let it go…
Don’t call…
He has no rights to your baby if he isn’t on the birth certificate, so just forget he exists…
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it is not your place to tell the wife…
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Leave him alone…it is his loss. You can’t force him to walk away from anything sadly he has already done it. When my husband cheated on me and left for another woman his grandmother told me something that hurt to the core…he is where he wants to be with who he wants to be with. You will find love one day and that man will accept your precious baby as his own…don’t be a fool. You’re worth more and so is your baby.
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Hell no I would file to child support. He made this decision willingly to sleep with you knowing his wife was at their home in bed knowing nothing about it. FILE AND MOVE ON. He did this to himself and any piece of shit cheating ass like him deserves to pay child support for a child he brought into the world willingly.
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If your daughter came to you with the exact same problem and she was in the same situation as you, what would you tell her to do?
Would you feel ok with her chasing a married man who obviously isn’t going to man up and tbh sounds a deadbeat… Or would you want her to hold her head up, walk away and be the best parent she can be…? 
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He destroyed his own life by cheating, put him on child support & move on
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He made his decision sis…
He cheated. He pays the consequences. Open the case back up.
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Dude, ANY man who fathers a child has a financial obligation to help support that child. HE chose to cheat and HE fucked up. That’s not your problem honey, you deserve support and you did nothing to his life HE ruined it on his own!
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If he isn’t on the birth certificate, walk away. If you have to/can move and cut all ties. This way he can’t randomly show up and repeat the process.
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I agree. We had same situation happen. Its working out. But dont do a secret thing because they will feel like they are not loved
Wife DESERVES to know.
He SHOULD be paying cs wether he is actively in the childs life or not! Sounds to me like ge is manipulative little skeeze.
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Would you like a woman to not tell youuuuu? Like what. You need to tell her. She needs to know the trash she is with. He made his bed he needs to lay on it. You as a woman should do what’s right and tell her. I just feel like that’s girl code butttt I mean your choice.
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holy shit. you need to 1) open that case back up 2) tell the wife. he does not get to play victim and throw a tantrum bc HE had an affair.
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This is a very heartbreaking situation and I’m so sorry you are in it. For the benefit of the child, a conversation should be had and a trial period given to implement the expectations outlined in the conversation. If he chooses not to give his child the father she deserves, than you cut him out. The back and fourth could have very damaging effects on her self-esteem and self-worth. She will still feel the pain of his abandonment at times, but it will be far less than the pain of his ambiguity and it affords her a grieving process.
Also you must as the primary caregiver advocate for your daughter regarding child support. That is money she is entitled to regardless of how he feels towards paying it. He made a choice to be intimate with you, it’s common knowledge that’s children are conceived and now he has a responsibility to the daughter he helped create.
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I would be careful about telling the wife or even about the child support. Depending on his job, you could end up not getting much anyways but you will open the door for his rights too. I used to think, get over your pride and get the money to support your child, but I went through a divorce and a custody battle can be extremely hard. Unfortunately, he has rights to see his child and if he goes after it, he will probably get her for the whole summer since he lives in another state or you will end up sharing her half and half since a lot of states are going for 50/50 now. And who knows if his wife is crazy and will stay with him and ends up blaming you and is going after your child to have her since they are now paying child support. Let him go for good…
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the wife deserves to now her husband a loser. and you should stand up for yourself with him also stand up and tell her yourself if you have to
Re apply for cs and get him to fuck If he’s not going to step up and take responsibility he’s the one that lied to you and his wife not you your baby comes first always so do what you think is best for her and when his wife finds out and flips that’s not your problem he’s made his bed he can get on with it as for ruining his life well he’s the one that’s lied has a child with you but is taking no responsibility because he doesn’t want his wife finding out 
put yourself in the wife’s shoes would you rather find out your husband has cheated and has a child or rather not know till this girl shows up on their doorstep and then be faced with the fact your husband has cheated has a baby with another woman and she’s knew nothing about it all these years either option ain’t great for your ex but he’s not your problem your little one comes first
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His poor wife. She deserves the truth and you deserve financial help with your daughter.
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Tell his wife and cut ties. You both deserve better. I’d change my number and move too because he sounds like a psycho.
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I think if the biggest thing standing in the way of doing whats right for your daughter (Child support- thats HER money. School supplies, haircuts, college) is being scared the wife will find out…
You need a swift kick in the a**! You both made your bed, you have a daughter, do whats best for her and grow the f*ck up.
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Take your kid and cut all ties if you are not wanting support. If not you are sitting your child up for heartache ache in the future… and maybe some sort of rejection feeling like she wasnt good enough for her father to want her. I wish someone would have given me this advice for my own children many years ago.
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Children are NOT SECRETS. As the girl above said: his marital problems are not your problems he did this to himself. It IS his responsibility to support the child he fathers.
Side note : f*** him
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My opinion…
Put yourself in your daughters shoes now and 15ish years from now. As far as now I think it’s just unfair to take him out of her life if he truly wants to be in it, but in 15ish years your daughter is not going to understand that you were trying to protect her all she’s going to see if a mom keeping her father away and if you tell her why (bc he was married and neither of you wanted to tell the wife) she’s most likely going to blame you. Mama I’m not trying to be judgmental or offensive I’m just a realist and i truly think this is how your daughter is going to feel. Your daughters feelings should take over everything. Your feelings, his feelings, his wife’s feelings, his families feelings. Personally if i was in your place i would give him one week, no more, no less to tell his wife whatever he thought he needed to. I would then and only then reach out to his wife to make sure he told her, apologize for what has happened, and let them decide how to move on so that down the road you can tell your daughter you done the right thing and you tried regardless of what decisions he/she/they at that point decide to make
Do what is best for your daughter. Does your daughter need money from child support? Than put it in. It sounds like you want him for yourself. Children don’t need a father. Sounds like you want a husband. If he was going to be that to you than he already would have when he had a kid with you. Move on honey, coming from a single mama. Just leave and run away from him and never look back. Your daughter doesn’t need to know about a degenerate father it would only destroy her more
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“He has sent money but I’m not after that. I want him physically in her life”
To clarify what you said, HE IS financially supporting your child.
So? What do you really want? Is it for him to leave his wife? That’s not going to happen. He is a jerk who chose to lie to you and deceive you.
I hope you are prepared for the repercussions of what you’re considering. Again, you said he is NOT on the birth certificate and that he is sending you money… what you will accomplish by filing a legal support order is his name being added to the birth certificate and him & his WIFE filing for visitation (they will get this) or even custody (no they probably won’t get it but it will still be an expensive fight they may be more financially ready for than you are).
Once a support order is in place he can and possibly will be awarded the tax deduction for your child.
Down the road, if you meet an amazing man who wants to take you and your child on vacation overseas (even a Disney cruise) you will have to get this man’s permission and notarized signature for a passport (and his wife to agree since we all know he will be in save his marriage mode once she finds out).
Whatever decision you make please just make sure you have thought it through carefully. If possible go consult with an attorney to get a professional opinion before opening Pandora’s box.
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I don’t think this type of thing could, or should, be a secret.
You all need to put the cards on the table and then work out a way forward. Your daughter deserves more than to be a secret love child to him. If his marriage ends that so be it.