I mean at this point he knows there’s not “zero tolerance”
You aren’t stuck. Will it be easy? Sure. But you aren’t stuck. You CAN leave. And you’ll see that it’s better than sitting across from someone who doesn’t value you
Oh girl.
I can’t tell you much about my story but I FEEL YOU!
Get up and make it happen or be miserable. Trust me. You will never get over this and it’s going to be hell. He will deny deny deny but don’t let that fool you any longer. I can’t imagine how hard it has to be, but just know you aren’t alone. Figure out what to do. Take time for yourself now and focus of a career or something. It takes getting out of a comfort zone to become more comfortable eventually.
Well technically you would get the house and probably $ or some type of split agreement since he is the one having an affair and ruining the marriage. I suggest couple counseling. The “singles in your area” ad pops up ALOT when just watching porn so that could just be a pop up in his history and not something he was actually searching on. I would try marriage and couple counseling. His actions are unacceptable if it is something you’ve both agreed is 100% a NO. But maybe he feels like he isn’t getting the love and attention he craves (again not an excuse) I would maybe look into sexual couples therapy as well. DEFINITELY get yourself to a therapist ASAP to find coping mechanisms and atleast make sure your mental health is being taken care of. 
Don’t make rash decisions. Be smart about it and start building a case. Don’t show your hand too early and start stashing money when you can. Do your research and see what you’d need to walk away. Adultery should get you a decent settlement
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Nowadays there are remote jobs you can do any time of the day and as many said there are resources for you qnd your children. Good luck
Start looking for a job and for childcare. Look into state help. There’s no excuse for not leaving. That’s just a mental block cause you allow it to be there. It’s not going to be easy by any means. But that’s why it’s a decision that you have to make. Then do it. You got this.
Proof, ask him to leave, file for divorce, get some alimony and child support, get on some form of assistance, be happy.
Update his profiles to say he has some type of disease or something. Also include that he is currently cheating on his wife.
If you’re the stay at home mum and you leave due to a marriage breakdown you would be the main care giver for the disabled kids. You would automatically be bumped higher on the banding systems for council housing. In the meantime you could go into emergency housing if council gave it to you or you rely in family to support. Don’t stay with someone who’s actively cheating. A Leppard will never change their spots. You deserve more xx
Get a good lawyer. You can get half of whatever you have helped him earn during your marriage. There are always solutions…
You need to gather ALL the evidence, save money and when you’re ready to give him the boot then do it. All I can say you are not alone and a lot of us are fighting the same battle. Find your support group and take all the help you can.
Sorry to sound harsh but if you WANTED to leave, you’d find a way!
Well, first apply for your childrens disability check, file as separated so it doesn’t go off his income, that’s the first step if accepted slowly start saving that to move out, also if you have state insurance find a care giver for your children so you’re able to get a small part time job to be able to save a little money or you can even look into seeing if the state would allow you to care for your child an be paid for it!
Get all the evidence you can act normal and get your ducks in a row file for divorce and you’ll be the one with the home kids and alimony this is NOT the end for you there is a way out
Did you not confront him?? You cannot go through all this alone without an explanation or for him to know that you know wtf he is busy with.
Honey he’s the one cheating it’s adultery which is illegal in most states. Take him to court he will have to pay you alimony as well as child support.
Everyone is always so quick to recommend you leave. I understand why you may not want to. First things first, you are going to have to ask him about it. Dig and get all the answers you feel like you need and then ask him about it. See if he will tell you the truth. If you stay, it’ll be super hard and you may need therapy. With or without him. If you decide you just can’t stay, there’s always child support and alimony to help you until you get on your feet. Hope everything works out for you. I’ve been here, I know how you feel!
You did not know. Do not blame yourself. He agreed to a no tolerance and not only broke that but several other promises. Like honor each other. Till death do you. part. He is to blame not you. In the town we live in there is a place where women and their children can go and receive help till you are on your feet. They help you find work and housing and the Drpartment if Social Services will help also. Some towns call it department of human services
My ex cheated on me, shacked up with a skank he worked with. Never an explanation or apology. Divorced for over 30 years and still crushed and broken. I have moved on with my life but never a day goes by that I don’t wish that lying cheater a slow and painful death when his time comes. I won’t do anything to make it happen, but for the agony he knowingly put me through, I wish him equal payback.
Save evidence, get lawyer… Divorce court will make him pay and you can also file charges for adultery…
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You have a zero tolerance plan on this. You answered your own question. Of course you could stay, which he will cheat and end up leaving, so you will be at that point one way or another. There is also marriage counseling. Confront him. Sucks your in that position, so many woman think they CANT leave because of finances… Please. It will be very hard of course, but really, why stay with a man who is cheating?? Don’t belittle yourself for a man who has no respect for his wife. It will be scary starting over, but, if you have a zero tolerance agreement, I don’t see another way. I mean if you cheated, what would he do? Good luck, men should never have the power of a woman to feel STUCK.
Ive been there. 8 years together and 5 years of marriage. I accepted more then I deserve. You deserve better
Contact a woman’s abuse center and they can help you. Cheating is a type of abuse.
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I haven’t read all the tips. Before you do anything get photo proof of his browsing history, dating profiles, any messages and email them to yourself for evidence.
Then decide- confront him and decide the next step together. I would definitely suggest letting a trusted person know of the situation so they can check on you afterwards or be there for you during.
Or leave and see what happens.
Either way you have to sit with yourself and figure out if you’re willing to work with him or that’s a line he can’t come back from.
Where is she based?
Australia?
Go to Relationships Australia-
Contact Childsupport and Service NSW straight away.
No woman deserves to be made to feel substandard and betrayed in her relationship. Ever.
Confront him about, then tell him to pack a bag and get out, but remind him he will still have to pay all the bills and make sure you and the kids have food
Never go snooping around if you dont want the truth. You have to be prepared if & you find something you dont like or agree with. Sorry chic…i know how it is and those feelings of thinking its you. Just do not think that unless you are crazy bat shit chic. AND I AM NOT BASHING HER CHARACTER AT ALL!!! seek counseling. My ex had an addiction issue with porn and dating sites. He refused to change so out he went and our daughter was only home for 2 wks after being in the hospital for 2 months (premie). You give yourself a goal and strive for that.
You’ve gotta confront him about it calmly. He needs to apologize and promise not to do it behind your back anymore. If it’s just sex he’s after (which is probably the case) maybe it’s a good time to experiment with a threesome. If you want to forgive you’re going to have to be the much bigger person and be open minded so he’s not tempted to cheat again. Just my thoughts. I hope you find a way forward
BEFORE DOING ANYTHING: take as much money as you can out of your savings and checking so you have cash on hand to live until a temporary order for support is in place and also retain your lawyer with a shared credit card or shared funds if you have that much cash flow.
All the money and assets belongs to both of you right now so he can’t do anything about any of this. Once you have secured the money tell him you have a lawyer who is filing for a divorce.
WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT IT. Moving out could give you a disadvantage in keeping it. Most of the time in these situations he will be ordered to continue paying for household bills as well as temporary child support. It’s also not unusual for him to have to pay some type of spousal support to give you time to become reestablished in the workplace since you have sacrificed to stay home and raise children for so long. You will also walk away with 50-55% of all the cash, his retirement, investments, equity in the house and any other assets.
You will have a chance to get started without extreme financial pressure. Secure the money and retain a great lawyer- that is the best first steps I can give you. You’ve got this!
Write him a letter and say everything you need to say. If not, he will probably make you forget…. so you don’t get angry or emotional while trying to ask questions and deal with his answers.
Block off time for you to be alone…. and have him read the letter in front of you.
Discuss 
With him supporting you financially you are entitled to alimony on top of child support.
I’m so sorry. Is there any chance of talking to him about this? Get ss of everything regardless so he can’t deny it.
Well what we need to do here is play him at his own game we get a profile n match with his then you meet up with him n watch the life drain from his face n say to him 'I know everything n don’t forget it ’ …best plan ever
You don’t leave the house. That is your home and the children’s. He will need to leave. Pay for a consult with the best family attorney in your town and follow their instructions for how to proceed. He will have to pay your legal fees.
I would walk away ask him to leave if your child is still in college he will still have to make payments towards you and him but there is no way would I stay another day x
Never stuck and you are entitled to half of everything if not more. See an attorney
This was my now ex husband of 12 yrs.
He is in prison for attempting to solicit a minor… because of of the craigslist ads he responded to (initially saying she was 19…but later in chat said she was a minor) turned out to be cops in a sting.
Leave him. NOW.
Yup take what you can and leave or better yet tell him to. I know it’s hard and starting out with nothing is impossible to think about right now but trust me you don’t want to be that bitter person angry and resentful. You have to communicate this to him as directly and honestly as you can. I had to write it down. Maybe you guys can work on things after he leaves but a clean break is what’s best before emotions get fucked with or people get hurt. You have birthed babies you can do anything.
I was in exact situation for 40 years. Continuous actual cheating, so much emotional cheating, him promising so many times he wouldn’t continue but did and did and did. I was FAR too forgiving as I too was stuck. My anguish over feeling stuck, powerless, angry, no way out darn near killed me. I was so stuck I was suicidal several times, had several nervous breakdowns; completely lost my self esteem.
After seeing an abuse councillor who gave me info on So many options that were available to me that I had absolutely no idea that were out there and good instructions.
I finally left in secret one day not even telling my daughter my plans for fear that he’d find me and hurt me. I moved 550 miles away plus an hour and a half ferry ride. I knew he couldn’t afford to make this trip one way never mind both ways.
It wasn’t easy, was very hard but it truly was THE ABSOLUTE best thing I did. I’m way beyond happy today.
Please leave this man; he does not love you, does not respect you or the bonds of marriage.
Saying you “can’t” leave is a made up construct. The first thing you need to realize is that you can do anything you want. You get one shot at this thing called life. You can leave and he would be financially responsible for supporting you. He also would be responsible for part time care of the children. If you want honest advice here it is… LEAVE. Make no excuses. Do the hard thing. What you found is just the tip of the iceberg. Find the life you love. Love yourself! Nothing is impossible.
Apply for disability for the kids, file for divorce, take him for child support and get on gov assistance to help you while you get set up on your own. I’d see if friends or family could help
I wonder if the woman was enthusiastically and competently fulfilling her basic wifely duties to her man… you know? Those regular activities that mitigate the likelihood of cheating?
First off, YOU didn’t “allow” this sh*t!!! Please stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. Please go speak to a lawyer, you have more than you think you do. You can get out of that situation, and still have all you do now.
Someone start a GoFundMe for this woman to find a kick a$$ lawyer so she can start a new life 
Since i don’t know the laws in your state, i would seek the advice of an attorney in your state. They usually do a free consultation and can give you the most accurate information for your situation
When you go grocery shopping, get cash back and save up, or get a job if possible and if he questions say you want to spend more money on spoiling yourself and the children without losing money for bills from his income, find a way to save without him knowing and leave while he’s at work one day and leave a not saying how you caught it and have no tolerance so you left
Start making moves while you are there. You and your children will be fine and the courts will take care of that. Screenshot evidence. Start your own account and start moving g money. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Do what is best for you.
As long as you are admitting with your own mouth that you need him and can’t make it on your own, he is gonna continue doing whatever he pleases, because he knows how you feel. Girl you can make it without him it just takes a step in the right direction and faith! Leave his ass!
Plan to leave by beginning to retrain, see an attorney and go.
There’s help out there, you don’t have to stay. When he’s not there start looking and calling your local Social Services to see what resources are available, there’s HUD to help you get housing since you have a disabled child, there’s food stamps, there’s places that will help you with utilities, there’s Medicaid for medical and if you have a child under 18 you can get the monthly child tax check. Get you a notebook and write down all the numbers and call them. Oh and kick his ass to the curb, if he’s being sneaky and cheating, do you want to take the chance of getting some STD, get sick and not be able to take care of your Children, plus he’s broken your trust… Been There, Done That- Blessings your way!
Don’t put that on you mama. YOU didn’t allow yourself to get to this point. You did nothing wrong.
Counselling either for your self or for both of you. Start putting money away either into your own account or hide it somewhere so you can save money to leave and rent a house. When you confront him about leaving have a friend or family member on the phone secretly some man do turn violent when being told about a break up.
I’d act like you don’t know, get an out game plan, each week put money into a new bank account. Make sure you sign up for mobile alerts so no mail gets sent to your house. And then when the time is right, leave.
You are not alone. I’m going through the same thing.
Quickest way to get your heart broken: go through a man’s phone/video history. That said, you have 2 options. Leave his cheating ass and get good child support so you can get a place for you and the kids or talk to him and ensure he won’t do that again or else you’ll be splitting up. It’s up to you what you allow in a relationship. That said if he’s looking for others elsewhere it’s pretty certain that he can’t be trusted and things won’t be the same from here on. It sucks being in that position, specially when there’s kids involved. Best of luck 
You would get carer’s pension for caring for the kids. Plus they are eligible for the NDIS! Which will give you a chance to possibly find work if that’s what you’d like to do. Plus you would get more of the house settlement when it’s finalized due to you having the kids. If you really are wanting to leave maybe speak to a divorce lawyer or divorce counsellor?
Is your state a no fault state? This is your first question. If so start putting away money, as much as you can without him noticing. Pull out money to buy anything, undercut the costs and start stashing.
If it is not, document document document and take him to the cleaners.
I know I have told my husband plenty of time exactly how I would react if he did this. Have you??? If you have what did u tell him? I would stand ur ground and do what u said. I told my husband he would be stuck with me forever but I don’t have to be nice or share a bed lol I’m petty AF I would literally ruin his whole life 
Screenshot or print copies. Go to your bank and make sure you have half the money out in all shared accounts, go directly to an attorney. If you own a home, make him leave and you will stay and have physical custody of children, and he will have to pay support, go in asking for 20% if you have multiple cars, make sure your insurance is paid up for 6 months and it keeps both of you on it. Any utilities in his name ,put both your names on it. Have a suitcase ready for him and as soon as you have him removed from the house have all the locks changed. Never talk to him without a witness to hear both sides, any communication needs to be in text or email only for documentation.
I might be in the minority here because I’m not going to immediately suggest that you leave him. I suggest that you confront him about it, have a real open and honest conversation, and if you’re both willing to fight for your 20 year marriage, maybe even with some counseling, then it can be saved.
I was in thought about this post all day. There are no perfect marriages! Because there are no perfect people! Signs of curiosity and desire often appear in long term marriages…you uncovered his secrets! Because in defense a partner may claim…they are lonely, their needs are not being met…or they feel excluded …within daily family life …the famous line is people change …and forget to tell each other! Two numerics are important. Is love still in your heart?
Are you eager to reconstruct your wonderful fulfilling times together?
Communication… detailed…is a great step…secrets and fantasies can be explored… paths forward can be planned…counseling which is active communication that sifts thru high emotions… might be a worthy step.
What is not helpful is doing nothing…head in the sand…raging inside. syndrome…when understanding and communication are needed.
The years bring awareness…that perhaps there is something else out there…responsibilities at home can seem unrelenting.
Running out of the marriage …creates a sense of failure and confusion…worry and stress…and certainly leaves you with a sense of abandonment.
Somehow 20 years of kisses and hugs have changed…
Address your concerns.
Abandon revenge…revolt…punishment… adults solve adult issues with steps forward…open communication…and a clear understanding of future goals.
If after all these thoughts fail to bring you thru this crisis…and indeed this is wavering to just that…
Options…church family support
Personal counseling…
A readiness to address this need …not hovering in a Gotcha moment …fury…is crippling!
All of these thoughts sound like Pollyanna moments …I accept that.
There is optimism to be had! If you want to redirect this partner…indicate that lovingly… with a resolution in mind.
20 years ago …he was the love of your life…and you were his…seek that common ground…
Have a conversation.
Sort this out.
Focus on a positive outcome…for all 5 of you, most importantly take care of you. You have to.
Many many long term couples hit moments as heartbreaking as this.
Please decide in your heart, the comments here especially mine have minimal relevance as this is your life . YOURS!
YOU MATTER!
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Devise a plan. Collect your evidence, build a case. Start putting away money & build yourself a nest egg…slowly but surely you’ll have enough to file for a divorce & to start your own life without a cheater.
Don’t jump the gun - use what you know - build a case - photographs - records - having an app doesn’t mean he has done it - but if he does you have the “know about “ to catch it - make sure you know know before you jump
Mutually agree to change it to an open relationship… ? He can still love you. Just it’s changed… idk. Goodluck
First you cry, then you get angry.
Then you get a lawyer and take him for all he’s worth. Document everything.
There are resources you can utilize if or when you leave him! Get in contact with low Income based or hud housing. Contact the Human Resources center etc.
Get your power back open your own account get proof he’s cheating get a job dont let him know what you’re doing
if he’s cheating u could Divorce him on those grounds and take him for alimony
Boot him. Make him pay the majority of everything. Get disability on your kids. Find a job. At a school or part time. Apply at IRS they have work from home. Do something. If you have a zero tolerance for this then don’t let it slide. If you want it to work go to a counselor with him. Don’t stay out of a need to.
Go to the courts and tell them you need emergency alimony ….
Screenshots of everything then do a print out. At dinner serve him with a copy. He has “no ability” to help care for them”… my *ss. And pigs fly. Get him where it hurts.
I just don’t know why you would look for proof that he was cheating, find it and now feels stuck then why look at all If you feel like you can’t leave? If rather not known if you weren’t gonna do anything.
You don’t have “nothing”. What you have is the opportunity to speak to a great lawyer.
Start collecting evidence, start hoarding money, go for a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and know your rights. That’s a start.
He betrayed you. You need to go to your gynecologist to test for sexually transmitted diseases.
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File for disability for your children and caregiver through social security
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Become roommates and coparent. He has stepped out on you not the children. Let him experience the consequence of no longer having you physically.
I think this is known as abandonment of affection to which you will be entitled to compensation from the marriage plus child support.
How sad 
I never say this but cheat back. Get proof he’s cheating first. Just kidding (kind of). No honestly you need to get out.
Anything purchased during your marriage is marital property and that means its half yours!!
No one is ever stuck. There’s always a solution to leaving. It’s just a matter of putting in the work and getting out the norm.
Tell HIM to go. First, gather copies of everything that he’s been doing. Then confront him WITH BACKUP. not alone.
Make a profile. Talk to him and meet up for a date and surpise!!! 
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OK so what you do is create a profile on whatever side that he’s on and obviously make it a fake profile schedule a date with him and show up and all u Gotta do is just go to Facebook find some random pictures and make a new profile I’m not so much like steal her pictures for Long term or anything and if you’re an easy doing it have a friend go along with you someone that you trust to confront him I mean you could play the easy way ask him about it at home. I realize that you feel you have nothing but remember anything obtain in your marriage is half yours
Abide by the boundary you both set. Seems simple to me…
Empty bank account, run up his credit cards, buy lots of gift cards for gas and grocery stores then confront him
Did u talk to him about it? And I’d call local human services for any assistance they can provide.
I am actively working on leaving my marriage after being a stay at home mom for the last 12 years. It has taken me a year but I should be able to get my one place soon. Honestly, i’m doing a coaching business online that brings in 2000 and then I got a job our kids school district as a substitute teacher and also a job for after school hours in a kids theater company but I can bring my kids with me. I have had two very carefully look and choose jobs that work with being able to care for my kids and then will sell the house and I’ll use my portion for a down payment I don’t Nother house. It sucks but I ultimately decided that I would rather figure this out then stay and be miserable. Feel free to message me
Go to a free consult lawyer and see what u can do if u have the proof and can show it then he could be the 1 paying for ur fees… im in illinois, i dont think they do alimony anymore but u could see what they tell u at the very least:woman_shrugging:… i was in the same boat, def learned to NEVER depend on a man EVER again! This sh*t sucks!! 
Zero tolerance? Then why ask the question just get rid of him!
If he says HE Loves YOU…Then show Him what he’s been missing 
being stuck I hard…seems easier to leave …but it not…unless he’s abusive…then leave!
But if his eyes are wandering show him what he’s been missing…20 yrs is a long time…for you and the kids…ask yourself if you still love him too …then show him…somethings missing…AND PRAY 
Demand the logins and check for yourself what has actually been said / occurred
Girl you Do not kill yourself over a man, you pull up your big girl undies and get a job and move the hell on with your life. Best of luck
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Sending you love and strength. You deserve better. You can leave. You have to be happy.
Get a job it’s never too late to start , start focusing on yourself… build you while he is busy breaking himself …. Let me know how that goes for you after a year😉
Ugh that’s just shitty! Sorry to hear! Sometimes it’s better not to know things… But then again if ya don’t, you’ll always be a joke to them… I’ve been here before and it’s such a horrible feeling… Just so you know, it’s NOT YOU! You’ve probably done more than you know/could! Wish I had a straight answer besides leave but I get it! Best wishes
I am so sorry. I can feel your heart hurting just from reading this. I wont say I know how you feel, but I’ve been cheated on. Just know that its NOT. YOU. ITS NOTHING YOU DID WRONG.I kept on feeling like I wasnt good enough and that must’ve been why he did it. Now, 3 yrs after the fact, I know that it was him. Some men just cheat. And so you MUST do whatever it takes to make this stop. The trust is shattered now, so you got to think long an hard about, can you forgive him? Can the trust be reestablished? Prayers and hugs. This, too, shall pass. Keep your head up, and do what’s best for YOU and those precious children. My heart hurts for you.
Talk to him. Get a sitter for the kids and sit down with him, you two need to communicate.
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I can’t offer any advice, but I’m so sorry for your situation. I’ll say a prayer for you.
Let him know you know what’s up and get you a boyfriend .
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I mean it’s not too late to start working. You should at least have some social security and a 401K for when you retire. There is no guarantee that he won’t end up leaving you anyway. So might as well start now. Good luck.
If you stay you need to confront him and talk. Counseling goes a long way.