I looked at my husbands search history and I'm sick

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years now. We have 3 teenage children.
The past few weeks my husband was acting really off. So after some time passes and the feeling staying, I decided to look at his browsing history.
Big mistake.
I found out that not only is he searching for locals to hook up with, but he’s joined apps etc.
We have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior, which he clearly knows and asked the same of me… and yet, here we are…
What do I do?
He’s got all of the signs that he is actively cheating… including searching and joining sites, while he was sitting across from me, on our anniversary a week ago.
The no duh thing is to leave. But I can’t.
I have been a stay at home mom for 18 years so we could afford for him to continue his career… I have nothing.
My kids are also disabled and he has no ability to care for them, but without a place to stay and money to pay the bills, I’m stuck.
I’m stuck with someone who looks me in my face and tells me he loves me but yet is looking to hookup with others…
I want to unalive myself, but my kids need me, so that’s out.
How did I allow myself to get to this point?
What can I do from here on out?

1099 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I looked at my husbands search history and I'm sick

2 Likes

Just so you know, spousal support exists in divorce decrees for this exact situation. You can leave and still land on your feet. Being a homemaker, especially to special needs children, doesn’t necessarily look bad on resumes anymore. So your chances of finding work are pretty good, if that’s something that’s doable for you. There’s so many resources for assistance these days that you truly don’t have to stay.

1 Like

First thing to do is check for a non

  • profit that helps women and see if they can refer you to an attorney. It took me a few years, but once I had all my ducks in a row I asked him for a divorce. If you live in a state where a everything is split 50/50, then you do have something. Also. Go to school, find a temp job, get out into the world more. Just take one step at a time.
105 Likes

The first real question you need to ask yourself is “Do you want to continue with your relationship” if the answer is yes then you need to confront him with the information you have found and seek counseling if that’s what you want. If you want to leave do it. There are ways to do so. No it’s not going to be easy and divorce sucks but you and your family deserve better. Whatever your decision I highly recommend counseling. It may take time to find a therapist you click with but in the end it’s very worth it. Hugs and a positive vibes.

40 Likes

I want to give you a giant hug! I was there too, without disabled kids but I had kids and one was a baby.
From my experience… He has a stash account and you need one too. Every time you to the the grocery store and use your card, take.out.cash.
Open a new account at a different bank. Start applying for assistance, it may take a while… Get a consult with every lawyer who gets recommended to you. Start proceeding forward. You CAN do this. It will be difficult. I still struggle but I am doing it.
I’m also here to listen and help in whatever way you feel is appropriate.
You are so loved!! Good luck!!

113 Likes

Clearly “We” doesnt have a zero tolerancy regarding this behaviour. You have zero tolerance.
You have to confront him. And you now have broken trust. That regardless of what ppl say will never be fixed.
If your policy is zero tolerance then you kick him out!

53 Likes

Girl! It may feel like you are stuck, but you aren’t! The biggest hurdle is kicking him to the curb. You’ll find there is support all around you. Yes, you may not have a lot, and it is scary as hell - but I can assure you, leaving a toxic marriage is liberating. You find a way to make things happen when you don’t even realize it. You make best of the situation you are going to be walking through. There are resources out there to help momma’s like us get out of situations like that. You’ve got this. You have more power than you think! It’s hard the first night. It’s harder the second night, and some nights it will be better than others. But YOU will get through this!

51 Likes

I’m sorry you are going through this… Im even more sorry that there are women who are treated this way and they fully believe that they are stuck, there is no way out, they have to settle. You are never stuck. Prayers up!

15 Likes

It’s soebasy for people to jump on the “leave him” ship. I understand. I’ve been a sahm for 11 years. I literally have nothing to my name. Nothing at all. I’d be absolutely devastated if I was you. That’s a type of sadness that alot of people don’t truly understand. Not to mention, you said you have disabled children, so you have no time for yourself, let alone trying to get a job and leave. Big hugs momma. I wish I had advice, but I don’t. I’d have to walk in your shoes first. :heart:

51 Likes

I just ended my 20 years marriage because I found nude pics from his female boss on his phone…lm numb I can’t believe this is happening I met him when I was 17 years old last October 2020 our house started on fire and we lost everything. We were still trying to recover and now this…but i can’t forgive him this time, and this is not his 1st 2nd or 3rd time I have found he was talking to another female online. Now he wants to go to counseling for “US” but I’m done I gave him 20 years my youth 2 sons and I just can’t forgive & forget this time, it’s over :sob:

63 Likes

My heart aches for you and your babies. I agree with a few of the above statements. Definitely talk to a lawyer because with your situation you would most definitely get alimony as well as child support. I highly suggest getting a support system in place if possible (mom, sibling, etc) someone you can confide in with what’s going on that way if you do happen to explode you know someone will understand what’s going on and you and the kids would have a safe place to go. If at all possible start a secret savings, every little bit will add up and help when you are ready to make the move. But most importantly, take a second to remind yourself this is NOT your fault. From what I can tell you’ve been a devoted mother and wife. Some people are just horrible. You and your kiddos deserve better! You are never stuck girl. Make a plan and start taking little steps! You can do it! Prayers for you!

6 Likes

This just recently happened to my mom except she up and decided to get her real estate license which is easy to do and can be done online see found out my dad had been cheating on her for 11 years in a 45 year marriage she stayed around and kept him around until she could set something up to where she’d be ok without him and then she confronted him and told him she wanted a divorce and gave him 2 months to leave

2 Likes

Get proof he is cheating and sue for alienation of love. Get a divorce, make him move out, and keep the house. After 20 years he will need to pay alimony and child support. Do not put yourself in that situation. You and the kids deserve better. Thankfully there are tons of resources.

8 Likes

Communication! Tell him you are aware of his infidelity. Try to stay calm and talk to him. If you find yourself about to explode walk away and explode in your own space. Maybe you guys can work it out through counseling. I wish you the best of luck. Also know this, you’re never “stuck.” You have the tools and strength to face any challenges in your life. Have faith in yourself!

19 Likes

Everytime you go shopping or get groceries get cash back. Try and save. Ask for help you’d be surprised what options you do have. Also there is zero reason that you can’t kick him out. Let him find a place to stay and until the divorce he is still responsible for the house. He needs to leave and this needs to be discussed immediately

6 Likes

Confront him. If you haven’t already, You cannot let this sit in you and fester. I’m sorry you are going through this. I really hope your able to find peace. Sending you love.

29 Likes

Kick him out, get a divorce with alimony, child support if they’re still under age and figure it out! Get some assistance until you’re on your feet, find a job that works for you… never underestimate your capability to do what you need to do when it comes to taking care of yourself and your kids!

8 Likes

My advice would be, not to let him know that you know and get yourself a bank account that noone but you can access and then draw money out and put it into your bank account. Sounds like stealing but fuck him after what he’s doing. If he can’t be honest and faithful. Get yourself a little job of it’s possible, find out who’s names are on the mortgage and who owns what and just act like nothing is wrong until you have the funds and are strong enough to walk away peacefully. Take care x

5 Likes

Call him out. If he lies or is unable to put in the work to fix what he broke (assuming that’s what you want) then find an attorney && clean his account sis. It may seem impossible but you are worth more. You are worthy of love.

3 Likes

If you don’t have a prenup, I’d take him for everything he’s got to support those kids!

3 Likes

My ex was caught cheating the first time at 12/13 years married. It took me time, but walked away at 20. You can do this. You deserve better. <3

7 Likes

Let him know and tell him it’s honesty and counselling and he decides to be faithful to you & his children you gave up your career to raise or you and the children leave as you can’t raise a family with someone like that! Plus I’m pretty sure you will get a lot if you have proof and it goes to court but make sure you have that proof upon confrontation

1 Like

Ask him about it. Then ask him to leave if you want to. I left a cheating husband, found a house for me and my three kiddos. Worked two jobs at one point. Then I bought a house. Don’t tell me I’ll never be anything without you sucka! Now I’m happier than I could have imagined!

6 Likes

I would immediately let him know that you know and tell him you will file for separation and then do it. You deserve better for the rest of your life…. You are not stuck, although it feels like you are. There are places to go and people who can help transition and even help your disabled children. Reach out to social services, reach out to shelters in your area. Contact an attorney. My advice is after giving almost a quarter of a lifetime to someone and have them betray you that way, to walk away no matter how hard and go after what you deserve. I’m sorry. Prayers.

17 Likes

I would def NOT tell him I knew what he was up to until I got myself in a position where I could take care of myself & my kids! I’d be starting my own bank account as well. Get yourself financially & emotionally ready for a separation. Even if you don’t end up separating, The fact that you feel like you are stuck and have nothing is a huge problem. Nobody should ever feel that way.

18 Likes

I would save up and start making plans for a divorce but I wouldn’t confront him. I’d blindside him.

19 Likes

Honestly these are the situations in which people stay together for the finances. Let him know you’d like to have an open relationship. If he can get some on the side, you can too. Because you need to be filling your cup. You’re deserving of someone that makes you feel beautiful.

15 Likes

Has he life insurance :thinking: that’s the only option

16 Likes

Start saving for a departure

19 Likes

If you have a zero policy…take his ass to court/cleaners.

17 Likes

That’s when you get a job, save up and leave. But do yourself a favor and don’t let him touch you. Who knows what he’d be bringing home.

9 Likes

Its called half of everything , alimony and a point to prove. He thinks he knows you won’t leave, prove him wrong. Let him have that life

8 Likes

I know this is not right… but shit if it was me… I would be cheating right back… sorry no good advice :pensive:

12 Likes

You stayed at home to care for the children while he pursued a career. He would likely have to pay alimony, on top of child support. If you can prove he’s cheating, then sometimes you can even keep the marital home… talk to a lawyer. Figure out what rights you actually have! Typically more than one thinks!

7 Likes

First of all, you didn’t allow yourself to get here. This has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. Also, I know the common answer will be to leave. And yes, you should. BUT if you don’t want to that’s your choice also. Confront him. Have him pay for counseling for the two of you if you think it’s something you can move past. If he doesn’t want to well then you have your answer. Like the others said, document everything, file for divorce with alimony and child support. Good luck I’m sorry this happened to you and hang in there, not only for yourself most importantly but for your kids too.

2 Likes

I think there is a much needed difficult conversation to be had, possibly having a mediator or counseling for couples if that’s doable. Don’t ever forget it’s never too late to restart and start your life :heart:

1 Like

If your kids are disabled then they should already be taken care of. SSI for each of them will help greatly with bills such as rent and utilities for them. As for food, food stamps are there until you get the child support/alimony coming in. There are resources out there for you. Please don’t stay in a broken relationship because of this.

Also have you talked to him? I know the signs are pretty clear, but I’d want to know why after 20 years.

1 Like

You always have a choice!! Not leaving is never the only option. It’s time to leave!!!

3 Likes

You can leave and he will have to pay alimony which would probably be enough to live on your own, also I’m sure there is some money towards disabled kids as well, talk to a lawyer with a free consultation

2 Likes

If you have decided to stay in that. . Live with it is your only choice They don’t change . Take it from one that has been there. Fourteen years if counseling. . and every other thing I could think of to save my home. After I found myself in the middle of the night …with three small boys in the car…searching downtown Denver looking for my husband. I ended up in a very dangerous area and almost out of gas,with no money to fill up. That’s when I knew I was mentally losing it. Staying was teaching my son’s that was alright to treat women that way. I left him…scared to death because I was a stay at home mom. We survived.

1 Like

This is the sad reason It’s time to stop being stay at home moms. No one values marriages and commitments anymore. Once they devalue you in their mind you are just there to meet his selfish needs.

Women we need to stop relying on our men to meet all our needs.

I am sorry you are going through this. Women we have the right to work even if it is part time. You never know and you cannot depend on your marriage to last.

1 Like

If he is cheating and you can prove it, you will get the house, the car, alimony and child support. Call an attorney. Do not tell him what you are doing. Best of luck sweety.

1 Like

First of all, there isn’t a man alive that is worth unaliving yourself for…I don’t care who he is to you or for how long

2 Likes

What kind of sex life do you have w your husband? Have you had open dialogue about both of your sexual desires and needs? Do you do your part to make each other feel loved and wanted? Yes, how he’s gone about this is wrong. If his needs weren’t being met or if he had the desire to seek attention/affection outside of the marriage then he should’ve brought that to you. But sex is a VITAL part of an LTR. You need to find a sex positive counselor and work this out if you want to save your marriage. All these people saying leave him need to put themselves in his shoes. Maybe he’s had kinks his whole life that he’s never shared w a sex partner and now he wants to experience those things and isn’t comfortable asking his wife. Maybe their sex life has been nonexistent for 15 years and he’s seeking it elsewhere instead of breaking apart his family who clearly needs him. There’s so much more to this story than just a wronged wife.

1 Like

My parents divorced after my mom was a stay at home mom… the judge will make him pay you for being a stay at home mom. Since you were unable to work.
My dad convinced my mom she didn’t deserve anything… and they had agreed to it…but they judge has final say and the judge told my dad he owed my mom 20k, plus half his retirement.
(My mom died before she saw any of that because he convinced her he would pay one lump sum instead of
payments.)
Anyways- you will be ok… it’ll be messy. But if you feel this strongly you have 2 options…
Try to live peacefully together, have him continue to pay for things whole yall are on a break (thus letting him know that you know he’s been cheating, but also that you’re gonna continue to let it happen, until you figure out how to leave.)

It’s really a matter of picking which battle and how you wanna go about it…be cordial, or court.

I’m sorry, this happened to me so I know how it feels.
I was fortunate enough to be able to ask him to leave, but even that isn’t as easy it seems. Especially for the kids.
I wish you every bit of love to get through this. Please seek help from a professional of you need support.

Because you are the one who takes care of children and house you can divorce him and keep house and kids and he has to support all of you

1 Like

First thing to do is talk to him. Sex is not love and love is not sex. Cheating is a disrespect. If the relationship needs to change to make you both happy then change it. Doesn’t mean marriage needs to end or that is doesn’t need to end but you’re both adults and parents and something that makes you both happy is totally possible without additional trauma. Figure out your honest boundaries and communicate them. Ask what his honest needs are and then be honest with whether you can meet them or not. Your relationship doesn’t have to answer to moral or social standards of anyone else.

1 Like

I would try to work it out with serious conversation and marriage counseling. Sounds like midlife crisis that needs some love rejuvenation. Perhaps the romance died out by you taking care of everyone but yourself. Start focusing on you. Get your hair done go shopping for new wardrobe. He will start noticing. I wish you the best. You are totally worth it. Men sometimes need a wake up call.

1 Like

I started over after being a stay at home. It’s not impossible.

You either

  1. talk to him and fix things.
  2. you keep your head in the sand. Or
  3. divorce him and sue for alimony and file for social security for your adult children. Or
  4. Do unto him as he’s done to you. :laughing:

It’s your choice.

1 Like

He would find himself locked out of the house for good! Go work wherever you can, cut off all the unnecessary bills, and file and wait for your alimony and child support. You’ll be fine and living in peace :v:I have 8 children and have been a stay at home mom forever. I thankfully haven’t been through this but I would never put up with a shady man.

1 Like

Nobody knows the relationship, he may feel unsatisfied or not loved due to amount of time spent with kids ( I know there his kids too and this happens ) but people saying get a divorce he is in the wrong … he can also get the rights to everything if he can prove they have not been securely active and he has gone elsewhere but not physically done anything just for emotional comfort .
So … I would talk to him about this . See what’s going on there is always a reason why if u can’t get past it then you have to move on ,unfortunately the whole having nothing is on you not being independent. you should always be prepared for a rainy day even if in the most Happy relationship in the world women did not fight for womans rights to be independent for people to not do so.

1 Like

If you’ve been a stay at home mom then you will be awarded support if you need it to get on your own feet. You are so much stronger than you know and deserve so much better than someone you’ve given your life to doing these weak and hurtful things behind your back. You can do this all with out him. Just believe in yourself and reach out for help from your people. Sending you love!

Get in touch with family if you have any see if any are willing to allow you and your child(ren)? To move in, start slowly moving your stuff out and work on getting your life together… Work on trying to get a job and sitter etc… If he’s cheating on you, he doesn’t care about anything but himself right now, unfortunately so you need to do the same and worry about you and your babies… Good luck and I wish you the best!

1 Like

Well I would start making moves to support myself and the kids. You can’t be certain he won’t leave because he met someone else. it’s 2021 you aren’t stuck. It’s doable. Not easy. But doable.

1 Like

For all the people saying you have nothing, that’s not true. Any man who is the sole provider for a family with children would be ordered to pay his (ex)wife alimony and/or child support. Especially if he is to blame for causing the marriage to end. You will get help. It might take a little time, so it’s probably best to strategize beforehand. But absolutely do not stay with a man because you FEEL stuck. You’re never stuck with someone who isn’t respecting and loving you. Stand tall and straighten your crown!

Say nothing to him.
Document everything you find.
Take it to court, and take that dck for ALIMONY

Youve been at home for that long as a kept woman, spousal support is a thing!
Dont tell him anything.
U dont want stuff deleted before u save it.

1 Like

“Unalive myself”.
I’ve never felt a phrase so much.
My kids and pets are what keep me alive. There are so many days that life get so hard. So many days that I feel so awful I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I feel for you.

Keep reaching out to friends and family. You will find a solution. You will find a way to make it work.
God, the universe, divine spirit, whatever you believe in, will provide.

1 Like

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I was a SAHM for 9 years. I have 4 kids ages 2-8, and 2 of them have special needs. I filed for divorce and was eventually able to find a job that worked around my children’s schedules. My ex had to pay my lawyer fees, I kept the house, and he pays child support. Do not feel like you are stuck! I felt stuck and stayed way longer than I should have. It will be hard, but SO worth it in the end. You have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you and your children. Stay strong momma!

Sometimes violence is the answer. Get your flip flop and every word you wanna emphasize, pop it like it’s hot 🩴

2 Likes

Don’t be hesitant. Get out of this marriage. Contact a support home that has counseling to get you through it. I left my husband and never regretted it one second. Take care

1 Like

I left my cheater as a single mom with a 3 year old. I had my tax refund and that was it. Luckily I had family to go to to help. I filed for child support and tanf right when I arrived. Tanf gave me immediate access to childcare help and a monthly amount including food stamps. At month two I found a job and still was able to keep the childcare subsidy. After 6 months I got my own place. Couple years later had ongoing health problems and applied for housing. I know have it and my rent is based on my income. This process was long and not easy but I’m telling you it can be done. Start doing some research where you live and make a plan. You deserve better!! :pray::pray:

Keep records of everything he does!!! Divorce, alimony, child support, and cheat on him too fuck the values, and eye for an eye sounds messed up but hey we can have our fun too oh and make sure he gets the kids on weekends too… you gonna need some free time!!! Take your power back mama you did not sacrifice for him to have a career and you end w the ish stick!! Be blessed :innocent:

You can function on your own hunny. It will be hard, but there are places that help people in your situation. Tap those resources, leave the dirt bag and start a beautiful life with your babies. :heart: You can do it

While I wasn’t married as long (married 10yrs, together 13yrs), I was also a sahm and started over with nothing. It was scary but it was doable and I’m WAY happier, healthier, & doing better in every single aspect of my life now. Please do it for your kids and yourself. They deserve to see their mother loved correctly, and it’d be a clear example of what to do if a their future spouse cheats on them. Would you want your kid to stay if they were grown and in a similar situation? I know you can do it, so please believe in yourself and know you deserve to treated better and loved. Go for spousal support in the divorce and you’ll probably get it. Also, document everything in case he deletes it or tries to deny it. I sincerely hope you leave and realize your worth. :two_hearts::two_hearts::two_hearts:

Stay with him and make a life with the father of your children. Eventually his midlife crisis will pass. People make mistakes and ruin their family life and live to regret hasty decisions. Good luck.

You didn’t allow yourself to get there! This isn’t your fault. Honestly, I’d probably try to bite my tongue and find proof. And lawyer up. If you’ve got to stash for a retainer, do it. Leave when you have you & your kids set up . Let him figure out how to pick up the pieces. It’s on him, not you.

Sis keep this shit under your hat, get yourself enrolled in some online classes and get a degree. Keep digging for evidence and build you a good adultery case for ya lawyer and dip. From a single mom that’s working full time and in nursing school, it’s doable. It’s exhausting. It’s hard but it’s doable. Put on your big girl panties and start getting your ducks in a row. You’ve. Got. This.

Do you still love him?? Naysayers out there… if you have never been through it don’t mock… this marriage is between THEM. What do YOU want?? I’ve seen marriages survive this and be stronger for it. God Bless you!!! :pray:t2:

1 Like

I hate to see when women feel so helpless because of men’s mistakes. It breaks my heart because I have been there. My only advice is that at first take it day by day. You don’t have to make a decision now. As you heal, you will get stronger.

My client had a similar case. Stay at home mom and found out he was cheating for the past year or so. She got divorced just fine and all they did was tell her to get a job to show she’s trying and then he has to put in the difference so the lifestyle doesn’t change. This is in NJ though. Not sure if it applies to where you are located. As for your son I’m sure they will guide you on what to do

I’m certain you can get alimony, spousal support, have the children’s health care covered by him and get some type of in-home care for your disabled children if they require that level of care. You’re never stuck.

It’s hard. I’ve been with mine for almost 8 years. He has a previous child with his ex, and she had another son which he raised. He was not over her when we started dating. I did not know this until after we had kids. He’d tell me he loves me, buy me things, etc. She would drop the kids off and he’d make me hide inside so I wouldn’t see his face when he’d talk to her. I ended up getting curious and going through his phone. Sure as shit there was tons of messages back and forth between them. He would be working by her house and she’d say “are u stalking me?” They’d go back and forth with their pet names. Stand down chicken legs, etc. Or he’d meet her at her work to bring her weed. She’s tell him I miss us, mind you she cheated on him and is still with the guy she cheated on him with. Even married him. He would tell her I trapped him, he’s not happy but he never acted like that when we were together. If he was that unhappy and I trapped him wtf didn’t he wear a condom. Her kids would say stuff when we were together like mommy misses you. There was a lot of things I found. I confronted him and he lied and denied it all. He loves me. He’d try the bs oh that’s old, before us. Mf I’m not stupid. I hate being lied too but I stayed with him. I regret it everyday. I do not trust him still 6 years later. I’m miserable but I don’t want my kids miserable so here I am. My advice to you is go back to school, find a side job and tell him you need to do it for you. You need a life. Don’t say what you found on his phone. Save your money and when you get enough, take your kids and leave. If he’s doing that to you after 20 years he’s not happy. If you don’t try to help yourself and he leaves you’ll be screwed if you don’t find a job. Do not put yourself in that vulnerable position. It’s not worth it and you can never trust anybody so I would find a job as soon as you can. I wish you the best of luck. 

1 Like

I would start putting some money aside and start looking for different resources that help women & children. Make a plan and stick to it. You need to decide if you’re staying or going, nothing anyone says here will make a difference if you’ve already made up your mind. I will say life is to short to live it miserable do whatever you can live with. At the end of the day you need to be ok with the choice you made.

2 Likes

Elle Moreno calling someone weak that’s already on edge and being completely vulnerable? 20 yrs is a lot and she probably doesn’t want to leave her kids with anyone else knowing she’s been their caretaker. Everyone can feel that way without telling anybody and choose not to go through with it for the sake of their kids. Could’ve kept that one to yourself, not kick a woman who is already down.

I was going through the same thing with my boys dad. We have 3 who are 15 months n the other 2 are 17 months apart. But God fixed it for me …he was abusive as well n the cops kicked down r door n took him to prison . All I can say is start a plan start making some $ n saving $. I stole $ from him n his it. If there’s any friends or family that can help hit them up

File for divorce behind his back! Child support if it’s helpful in your area. Do online schooling for something you loved to do…find help support programs to help with the kids-family

Don’t ever believe you are “STUCK”. His behavior is very degrading and an insult to you as a wife and a mother. Pick yourself up along with your self worth, roll your shoulders back and take charge of your life. There is broken trust now. Why would you want to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t take his commitment of being a husband or a father seriously or faithfully?
18yrs entitles you to his pension. Marraige entitles you to half of everything. Also, being you have 2 disabled children you are primarily the caregiver for, It is precisely why Mother’s are given the home. He is to maintain insurance for the kids, pay half of any necessary care( in home care, day care etc) as well as pay child support. Ih and your attorney can petition him to pay your legal fees as well. Honestly, you have the “upper hand”. Don’t think you arent entitled to those things. Honestly, those things are important. What’s more important is not staying in a marraige where you are put 2nd. It’s important to find yourself, do for yourself and never put yourself in a place to think you NEED a man for ANYTHING. Take care of what’s important; your children and yourself!!!
Good luck.

I don’t have any advice to give but I wanted to tell the OP that my heart goes out to her. I cannot imagine how she must feel. Especially after 20 years of marriage! :broken_heart::sob:

You are never stuck. Get out!! I was just in the same boat last year!! I was with him 18 years. He always worked and paid bills. I was the sahm. The shit I was doing I got tired of. At one point I thought I was stuck but I realized no I’m not. I got out. I grabbed mine and my childrens stuff and went to my dads house. Now that we are divorced I feel we get along better now than when we were married. I started with a job and then applied to housing. Low income housing is not how I wanted to live but it was a start to get me out on my own. You can do it. Good luck!!

find a caregiver or family member willing to help, and start getting on the right track for a job mamas

1 Like

U shouldn’t leave HE needs to!!! U have the kids u stay in the house, ull get spousal support equalling what u have been accustomed to, there’s child support too and there r TONS of jobs online that are still remote & can be done from home, start putting $ to the side little by little that he doesn’t know about. 1st thing though is CONFRONT him, & if u love him and don’t want to leave him then DON’T. Confront him on his actions & make a plan & maybe sum marriage counseling to help u fix this. If u want to split then do it, u can just make him leave or if u want to make it work then do it but DON’T hold this inside & let him walk around all fine while ur hurting inside.

1 Like

When you stand at the bottom of the mountain and look up, it seems impossible to climb. So steep. Many obstacles.
All it takes is that first step. You know it won’t be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel like giving up. You may lose your footing and slide back. But if you keep climbing, eventually you’ll get to the top. Above the clouds. And when you look down, you’ll see how worth it it was to take that first step.
Nothing worth it is ever easy.
Reinvent yourself. YOU are still alive! You ARE capable of learning and changing. Take those first steps, whatever they may look like, and never look back.

1 Like

Actually some divorce judges assess payment to SAHMs for services rendered… Cooking cleaning laundry PERSONAL ASSISTANT
sexual gratification
None of these would have been FREE if he had chose to stay single !!!

1 Like

The only reason anyone is ever “stuck” is because they’re choosing to be “stuck”.
There are SO MANY different ways to get help.
But again it’s easier to tell someone to “just leave” than it is to actually leave.

Have you actually talked to him about what you found?
Also before you speak to him about what you found, take pictures of the websites and evidence so you have actual evidence incase he erases it all and denies it.
Along with recording all convos somehow. Just in case.

You absolutely sure he cheated. Physically on you. Maybe you should find out. Maybe it’s something you two could work out calmly

1 Like

Master your emotions, first of all. Or you will lose every time. Call him out on his bs. And make your demands. stand your ground. You care for disabled children, and do this mom and wife thing. You’re a whole superwoman. Chin up, chest out. You got this. :heart:

Quitting is not an option but alimony and child support are! No “man” is worth your sanity and will to be alive. If God takes care of the birds in the trees, He will surely supply all of your needs. Your kids need the best version of you that you can give them and though it may seem unfathomable to start over, it’s never too late to do what’s best for you and your kids. Try talking to him first though to see where his head is at then move on from there be it a counselor or a divorce lawyer

Definitely start documenting the cheating. Get as much proof as possible. Get a consultation with a divorce attorney, they are usually free. Start doing online surveys that pay, it may only be a little bit, but any money you can put away right now is very important. Tell your husband you need xxx amount of dollars for this or that, then bank it. Seeing as he doesn’t think being honest is important, he shouldn’t be upset about you being dishonest about what you need money for. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member, and let them know what’s going on. Maybe they can help financially. There are ways out, don’t ever feel stuck. That’s a victim mindset and you will keep allowing toxic behaviour. You raised 3 children, you are strong amazing and can do this!! Hugs to you :heart:

1 Like

Personally…I wouldn’t sleep in the room with him. Live your life. When or if he asks you why You have changed…I’d inform him then that he has enough on his plate with all the cheating and looking he’s doing. As you said leaving is not an option. Kids ask…I’d say ask your father.

I was in this same situation, then about a month after I found the profiles and he promised “never again” I found out he was sleeping with a coworker.
It has been almost a year and it still kills me, and hurts like hell at times but it gets easier.
Talk to an attorney or multiple attorneys and cover your bases… stash cash, make a plan for yourself and keep trudging forward. Momma, you got this.

Please don’t unalive yourself, or entertain any thoughts of doing so.
If you feel that you can’t leave, tell him you two are roommates, and move into another bedroom.
As scary as thinking of leaving can be, just research government programs that would house you and your children.
Do your kids get monthly disability? Would that be enough to live off of if you were in reduced rent housing?

Well that is his choice, I guess, confront him an d find out what’s going on and just decide what’s best for you. Happy mom, happy kids.
I personally think that once a cheater, always a cheater.

Dont let him know that you know. Start preparing to leave. Find a job, find a place, figure out babysitters etc. When the time is right for you, leave.

2 Likes

You have 0 tolerance but you’re putting up with it after you found out? Also your children should get assistance. My husband cheated after 14 years there’s was it easy to leave absolutely not absolutely not but did we make it we sure did. I absolutely get not working for that many years as well but doesn’t mean that you can’t start.But if you’re unhappy why stay or whyesterday we’re why have him stay I mean you’re legally married and you caught him cheating I would think that there would be enough to make him leaveA and starting over isn’t the worst thing in the world stain is.

1 Like

I would start taking bits. Of money that I could without notice and hiding it until I had enough to do for a while till I could figure something else out and kick him to the curb! I would not leave my home he will have to buck up! And do what it takes to support you and your children! Good luck

What if you came to him and said YOU want to look outside the marriage and explore others just like he is… divorce doesnt need to be on the table if you two can come to a different agreement. Clearly he’s looking outside the marriage (probably for sex) so he shouldn’t be upset if you want to do the same. Seems only fair.

You aren’t stuck. There is a way you just have to figure it out. Don’t make excuses for staying in a relationship that makes you want to unalive yourself!

I did leave my cheating husband and we both were miserable. I only left because he told me he had found “the one” and he wanted me to go. I didn’t know he was cheating until he told me. You have choices.
What if you go back to school and get a job? Talk to an attorney about spousal support and child support and whether he would be required to pay your house payment? In my state, he would.
I have always chosen to work because i wanted to be independent, and i deserved things I didn’t ask for in my divorce (retirement fund). I am sorry about that now, because i don’t get much Social Security.
This is about you. I hope you will do what makes you happy. Good luck, i will pray for you. :pray::pray::pray::smiling_face_with_three_hearts: