I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years, married almost 8 years, known him many years… I’ve left him a couple times and always come back because he makes my life hell when I leave, we have 1 child together, he has 1 from a 1 night stand (from when we were talking and I was suppose to be the only woman in his life), and I have 2 from previous marriage. When we separated I took my 3 kids and tried to move on… he would always make co-parenting difficult, always made it difficult with child support (he set the amount and wanted to transfer to my account), he was always rude if I contacted him about anything with our child, he would speak badly about me to everyone… now with all that said. I caught him cheating many times, he lies about everything even if it’s simple, and everything is always my fault. I know I have faults but I try my best and forgave him for everything. Now that he really wants to try its like I don’t no matter what he does… I want to leave but I’m scared to. He’s never hurt me physically but has made some pretty hurtful and scary comments to people that has gotten back to me and he admitted he said them but only because he was mad! What do I do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm married and have been trying to get close to my husband again
Leave him and go through the court for everything if you want peace.
Oh stay out of that nightmare. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Put a restraining order on him if you are afraid he’d harm you. Contact a good divorce attorney . Pack your bags and leave with your kids
He’s a narcissist. Run!
Girl. Its time to find you a safe place for you and your children. That’s too much. Sometimes, it’s to late…the damage has been done. But, he just sounds very controlling and manipulative. That can be scary. I’m sorry you have to go through that
Do not go back. That’s a narcissists game
Run and don’t look back.
Break the cycle for your children’s sake
Leave do everything through the courts. You’re going to have to let the things he says about you go. In time people will see the truth. Remember those that know him know he is capable of lying so don’t worry too much about it.
Just remember you set the example for what your willing to tolerate to your children. Set a better example and show your kids you will not stand for this disrespect
Run. If you can cut ties then cut ties. He’s a narcissist and that won’t ever change
You leave and never look back. Get as much evidence as you can to show the courts. You do not deserve this. Stop letting him do this, he thinks it’s ok since you’ve just let everything slide. It’s time to leave and not go back.
I guess I’m confused. Why do you stay with him? It’s what you are comfortable with? You just don’t want to start over? You want to teach & show your children it’s ok to stay in a relationship [if you can call it that] when there is no mutual respect? What exactly are your asking for. If you read your question, but put someone else’s name instead of yours in the question, what would you tell your daughter if she were grown & came to you with this question.
Run hard and fast! Don’t let your babies grow up in that situation!
You’ve answered your own question…leave …simple
That’s no way for you to live. If you feel like this. Imagine how the kids feel when they see everything happening. You are probably happier without him in the picture. He sounds like a narcissist and they really know how to torture their other half. I would file for child support and visitation rights to be agreed upon by the court for him. It sounds like he doesn’t listen to you when you set boundaries so let the court handle it. Make sure you have a really good support system because that will help especially when you need it
You definitely need to go. Get a restraining order and file visitation and child support with the courts. No contact except through an app called our family wizard so that lawyers and judges have access to everything. Change ur number and block him on fb etc
All these things you’re mentioned about his behavior are in line with the behavior of a narcissist person. I recommend you check out Tina Swithin and search terms like exit plan in her One Mom’s Battle. You need to make moves stealth mode and very careful and calculate to protect yourself and your children. It’s hell to line with a narc and it’s hell to divorce one, not two ways about it. I have 3 children with my first husband, a narc, married for 17 yrs. I should have left sooner and perhaps the severe damage to my children and myself would have been less. Don’t stay any longer than necessary to get your ducks in a row. Tina has a private forum, books as well. First order of business get a burner phone and DO NOT do research from any device he has access to or knows passwords to. Use library if you can’t get a burner phone or device. The reason I say search first for comments on exit plans is so you can begin to implement those prep measures immediately. Get gift cards every single time you get groceries, to use when you are on your own. Pre-pay as many bills as you can to have a credit so to speak with each account if you plan to keep those accounts (phone, insurance etc) I don’t have more time to list other things but these are good starting points.
I’m in the same boat only I left him 6 years ago . Yes he still makes my life hell and I get peanuts from him when he feels like it but I am alot happier away from him and now engaged to the love of my life
Stay away from him!!!
You deserve better . You are a strong Mother and I promise you will be happier
Leave. Its never going to work in a way that makes you happy… ever. He is a grade A narcissist. Don’t let him make you miserable leave and do EVERYTHING through the courts. Let go what he says about you because if those people believe it they don’t have your back anyways.
I would run like hell away from him.
That’s abusive behavior Period!
Don’t settle or sell yourself short. You deserve a better life than that.
Stick to your guns and stay gone once you leave. This behavior isn’t okay. Stop letting him walk all over you and as long as you keep feeding into his crap it’s never going to change
He makes your life hell when you leave him so you go back?? Sorry that’s as far as I got. You deserve way better than that. Leave him and block him. Cut him off. Regardless of the kid. Don’t teach your kids that terrible relationships are normal. That’s the worst. That’s the only advice I have for you. Leave him and do better.
Run Run Run as fast as you can
You already know what to do and if your scared to leave because of what he may do - report it and then leave. But you aren’t ever going to be happy!
Leave. Dont walk, run.
Do you have the means to just make a plan to move while he’s out. Then you file with the courts for separation and support. Not by his rules. If you are at all afraid, you can ask that your address remains private
Leave him. He’s abusing you and your children are watching. Dont let them grow up thinking whats happening is right.
Run dont walk! Get far away from him. If he wants to be a jerk about the child u have with him be a jerk rite back.
Trust is #1 if you dont have that then you dont have a solid relationship.
Find your way out. He’s manipulating you. Mental abuse is abuse.
You should really consider leaving. Getting closer only will give him license to continue abusing you. The abuse will continue and escalate. I worked for a domestic violence shelter and abusers only get worse. If he cheats 1x he will do 100x’s. You are a worthy person who deserves better. Divorce is your answer, court ordered child support and stay away from him.
Record everything, save msgs, keep those incase he tries anything and LEAVE
Honestly, this sounds really toxic. I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship and ask if you want to stay within it.
For your mental and emotional health (and that of your kids) it honestly may be best to walk away
Start looking for shelters ect tell them what is going on they will help you and protect you and supervise visitation and drop offs but most of all leave
You know what to do but would rather do what’s easy than what’s hard…
U take ur kids and get the hell out he is never going to change and I understand about the kids but momma suck it up and handle it on ur own he doesn’t care and he isn’t going to change I have been there done that
Run…and get a good Lawyer…it’s not up to him to decide the amount of money you get. And set up an agreement on visitation etc.
I lived that life for 26 years, I can tell you it isn’t easy. You must find it within yourself for you and the kids.
He don’t get to set the amount for child support. Why are you putting up with his bullsh$t. I’d rather leave and be happy than stay and be miserable. You have to feet stand on them and run and NEVER look back!
File for divorce, full custody and toss him out.
If you wouldn’t tell your daughter to stay, why are you?
File for child support and it’s not up to him.
Stop letting him be in charge. Request a guardian ad litem so they can tell the court he need’s therapy and supervised visits.
The second you stand up, you’ll realize you don’t need him and his childish ways will make his children hate him.
You leave. He’s toxic. You gotta face that fear. Do it for yourself and your kids.
When you leave him …and you will. You won’t be able to stay because you know you deserve better. Be sure to get a restraining order on him. The child support is based on his check. No one chooses how much to pay. If your in Tx it is garnished from his pay. It’s not a choice. The government does it. Pray for direction and guidance. God is with you and will give you the strength and courage you need. Just call on him and it is yours. God bless.
Leave that man child. You deserve better and so do your kids.
I often look at my child and think…what advice would I give her? It’s almost never what I accept for myself. Free yourself and give your kids peace.
Leave. Take your children and leave!
Get as far away from him as you can. That’s not a good environment for you or your children.
Leave. You can do it.
If I couldn’t trust my husband. If he didn’t treat me right. I would leave or get him out. Wouldn’t be a second time.
Why don’t you just move states?
LEAVE! He’s toxic, not good for you or the kids! Child support let the courts handle it but learn to not rely on that money. Yes, easier said than done, took me almost 10 yrs to learn to walk away, stay away and let what ever he was running his mouth about go. Try not to dwell on what he tells others bc that keeps him in control. You will lose friends when this happens and you will make new friends as you go. I’m going on yr #12 since I walked away the final time, and I look back and can honestly say I don’t regret a single battle other the last 12 yrs that I fought to get where I am, I just wish I would have done it sooner. Good luck! Keep that chin up and keep pushing thru. You got this girl!
Stop wasting your precious days.
There is a man out there who will LOVE you.
Real love… not the kind that love you when its convenient or everything’s going right kind of love.
Do it for yourself and I promise you won’t regret it!!!
Narcissist!!! That man is TOXIC!!!
Leave him and ignore the BS that he says to you and others.
My ex husband is the same way. He even managed to get some “friends” to turn against me over lies. But that’s all ok bc I’m better off without them.
You just gotta treat him like you would treat a child that’s throwing a fit.
If you ignore him eventually he will stop.
I did get a gun after I left my ex… Just in case he ever felt froggy.
He said that he would do some pretty messed up things but has not put his hands on me.
Sht if I was in your shoes and he was threatening me I would 1. Leave 2. Take handgun class 3. Get my license to carry 4. Buy handgun. 5. Protect myself & my children at all cost. 6. Get a restraining order. 7. Tell him if he even thinks about trying some sht, you’ll be his huckleberry. *now before any of y’all bad mouth guns to me or say I’m crazy or pull the Reverend’s wife in the Simpson’s “OH SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN” you know what I mean, I do think of the children and best believe I would protect mine before any man or god. So think about that. Also your married to a narcissist. They do NOT change and only get crazier & nasty. Get out now FOR GOOD.
LEAVE…document everything and go thru the courts for child support and visitation. If he’s threatening you then get a restraining order.
And you’re staying why? It will teach your child this is okay. Like yourself enough to be loved
Take your kids, and go. File a restraining order as well. Inform your family of his violent ways and tell nobody else that doeant need to know where you are.
Keep copies of any emails, texts, etc that are threatening. Get a restraining order. You don’t want to stay with someone like this
You say you want to “get close again” but your post screams you want to leave. Id say leave. If you have to cut him off completely until you both get your mind right then so be it. Its hard because of the kids but they notice the toxic bs.
Distance yourself as much as possible from him.
Listen to Amber Duenas’ advice. Your husband sounds scary and the sooner you can get away from him SAFELY the better.
Carefully plan your escape and work your plan under the radar.
Contact a women’s center or domestic violence hotline on a friend’s, work, or burner phone and they can give you good advice. Thewomenscenter.org is also a good resource.
Get a good lawyer. I wasn’t sure how my husband would react so I got a good lawyer at one rate with the ability to bring in the “pit bull” lawyer of the firm at a higher rate if needed.
Get a non-obvious friend or acquaintance to start a “go fund me” page or similar (keeping your name off of it) to help you afford a lawyer if needed, or see if you could do something through this site.
Have two safe houses & stash a few clothes that won’t be missed & supplies for you and the kids at each in case you need to run. Should not be where hubs would look. I picked one friend who my husband didn’t know too well in the next neighborhood within walking/running distance and one from work he didn’t know at all who lived a good distance away where he couldn’t find me. Domestic violence places also have safe houses and they may be able to pick you up and take you there.
Set up a bank account at a different bank in your name only, maybe using initials vs. your first name, like A. B. Lastname with any correspondence sent to your P.O. Box, work address, or a friend’s.
Tell business people you deal with about your situation so they know to be on alert & discreet. I found so many people to be understanding and helpful. The phone company person even helped a friend put another name on her phone. Unfortunately your situation is not unusual and this isn’t the first time companies have had to deal with women in crisis.
Collect important papers & evidence of his behavior, see if people would testify on your behalf about his words and behavior. Keep evidence with a trusted friend or family member who can keep their mouth shut, your lawyer, or in a P.O. or safe deposit box away from your neighborhood. Visit it when he won’t be likely to follow you.
Check your phone and car for tracking devices.
Yes to doing everything through the courts, restraining order, court supervised visits only, the app only through which you communicate about the kids.
If you work outside the home, tell your employer so they can be alert if he comes to your office and have security ready if needed, and H.R. has to be discreet or you can sue them.
Get your kids out of this situation before they are further traumatized. My mantra in a divorce situation was “time and money and this will all be over.” Find a phrase or song that comforts or bolsters you and keep focused on getting out and looking to the day when you and your kids are free and happy.
Look at all the women just on here who have gotten out of similar situations, succeeded, thrived, and even found new loves who treat them right. You can do this too. There are many support systems and organizations in place to help you on this journey. Always be safe. You may not need any of these precautions, but better safe than sorry. Keep your eyes on the prize and you will see how strong you are, how smart you are, and the experience will build your confidence and resilience. Plus your children will see you as a strong role model. You can do this and find your happy, wonderful, serene self again, I promise! I did!
Get out. Stay out. Go get court lawyer, and get a parent agreement with a lawyer. Go through a text app per court monitoring and be done.
Get an attorney, get the child payment worked out by the court. If he doesn’t pay, they will go after him. Make firm arrangements on custody and be firm in your resolve. Once he realizes he cant touch you, maybe he’ll stop the bullying. But you need to do the hard work and stand up for yourself. You and your children deserve much better.
Leave his ass, kids doesn’t mean to be in a toxic space. Especially if there’s kids, leave they are monkey see monkey do.
Pack your things and the kids and move on
Girl. You already know. It’s past time to go.
Leave and start over asap
He’s going to continue to do this shit to you because you keep allowing him too. You’re enabling him to continue his behavior. Every time you come back he knows that no matter how he fucks up, you’ll still come back.
Document EVERYTHING. Video record, audio record, write things down. Have your kids keep journals and have them write stuff in them (if you allow him to see them). Get a lawyer and flip his world around! Take back control of YOUR life, don’t leave it in the hands of a narcissist.
Leave him and do all of the custody stuff through court. Then he can’t go outside of what’s ordered, if he does he will be in trouble. Don’t let him keep you there and unhappy.
Leave him immediately
Make sure you get proof of everything. Handle child support through the courts. They will deduct from his pay and send to you/ direct deposit it to you. Not him. Get all your coparenting wants and needs put into writing(through lawyer or mediation). Maybe look into supervised visits for him with your child through the courts. Get a restraining order and contact "women helping women"and/ or catholic charities. Once you leave don’t look back.
Sounds like my baby daddy. I just had to move on and pretend he wasn’t alive
People can say leave, but it’s never that easy… i stayed for a long time. I don’t regret staying, but I’m glad i finally left. I stayed to be able to give my kids the things i thought they deserved… no matter how many ppl said to leave. For me it was not that easy. Do what you think is right… how much longer you are willing to put up with out. Yes… i think you should leave… it’s hard to trust and/or love someone that treats you the way he does. Sometimes being alone is better then being with someone that treats you like shyt…
Leave and ignore. File for child support and visitation with courts he don’t get to decide what he’s paying you. Only talk about your child and if he starts getting mean hang up. If possible have a 3rd party exchange your childnif one isn’t avail request exchange be done either in public or police station don’t let him bully you into staying
RUN!!! Think higher of yourself and know you deserve better xx
I’d go with my woman’s intuition and pack me and my kids up and leave. Get a restraining order if necessary. Don’t let him push you around with him controlling child support. Go to court and get his visitation and child support on paper. Nothing he can do about a court order and if he violates it in the wrong manner he has to face the consequences o his actions.
What you do is put your kids first, kick him out. Save up and move. Appalling behaviour from a family man!
You leave again and you don’t go back.
I’m confused about your opening statement of wanting to her close to your husband again, especially as you haven’t written one decent or good thing that you’ve actually like about him, other than he’s the father of one of your children.
Like others, you don’t need anyone’s help. You already know the answer. Move forward and find someone decent and deserving to love. Take him to court if he holds up child support. You have nothing to lose and your child and your have a lot more to gain.
“I’ve left him a couple times and always come back because he makes my life hell when I leave”
Do you guys even hear yourselves?
Like seriously WTF?
Stop going back. You sound too dependant on him. Get a divorce and move on.
Try couples counseling. You can do it online there’s a reason you have stayed this long and it’s not because of fear. You obviously love him and want it to work.
Leave. When you break up with him have your phone in your pocket on a call with your parents or a trusted friend. You can also ring the Police Station and they will listen to the call to make sure you are safe. Once you break up with him go straight to the Police Station and notify them (they will put a note on your file so that if anything happens to you they know to go straight to your ex. They will also do a check up on you). Make sure the kids are somewhere safe and not in the house or car when you break up with him. Make sure you have money for food, rent ect. Make sure you have somewhere safe you can stay. If you stay at a Hotel tell the reception that you just broke up with your ex and hand them a printed copy of he’s photo. They will notify Police immediately if he shows up. Get a restraining order or protection order as soon as possible.
leave, asap, good luck xxx
Leave girl. He isn’t good for you emotionally and physically…he’s jus gonna keep cheating
If you got back with him after all the hurt then I don’t see why you can’t move past it. But if you feel this way about him then leave. Sometimes “ I’m sorry” doesn’t make the hurt go away. If your afraid of what he’s gonna tell people don’t be. There is always 3 side to every story let people believe what they want but don’t scoop down to his level. If he’s rude to you then get a court order that makes him pay child support and be sure to mention his mental abuse and they will help you figure out a common ground with visitation for the child.
Wtf would you go back to someone like that. Get out , get a restraining order (AVO/DVO) and go through court. Take the kids and run. You need to grow a pair and stop going back.
Make an exit plan. Make sure you do it with family or friends so you have protection or when hes not around. The most dangerous time is when you leave. Be safe.
Leave with the kids. Bc I can promise you it’ll never ever get better. Only worse. Make arrangements and run girl.
Leave, let him be an a$$ about it.
Run for your life!, that’s what.
He’s erratic sounds like when he’s mad, and you’re just not happy anymore. Nothing wrong with that. You’ve outgrown him is all.
Love yourself and your children:sunflower:
Best of wishes.
I’d leave honestly. it’s not worth the headache any longer
Stop trying to get close😳 just leave and don’t come back
Run not walk to the nearest exit being abused myself it only gets worse to stay
He sounds like a Douche Bag! Run girl Run!!
You shouldn’t be “getting close to your husband again.” You should be getting a divorce and restraining order!
You left with the kids and get child support… he doesn’t physically hurt you, but hurts your feeling by what he tells other people. Umm… leave his cheating ass and be done!