I found out about something’s my husband has done, being on dating sites and exchanged messages with other women about meeting up for example. This obviously is not okay with me. I am now torn on what to do. I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my boys by doing anything prior to the holiday so I guess my question is, do I say something to him now about knowing or wait until after the holidays? Along with not wanting to mess up Christmas, I would like to be financially in a place where I can simply just leave with the boys once bring it up, however I’m not sure I can act normal until then. Has anyone been through something similar and can share some advice?
Make a plan take your time- as long as you’re safe
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As long as you and your kiddos aren’t in imminent danger, keep what you know to yourself for now and plan an exit strategy.
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Pretend to be someone else on the dating site and laugh as he goes on no show dates
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Do what I did…make up a false account for yourself and hook up with him…busted!
Watch his face drop and not his pants🤷♀️
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If you truly don’t want to work things out then get yourself financially set up so if he does take you to court you will be protected.
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Get your financial ducks in a row - then let him have it!
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Let your boys celebrate their Christmas then while waiting, gather more evidence and investigate.
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Loose lips sink ships…say nothing for now. If need more reassurance make a fake account and play along…screenshot everything. Save money…plan your exit…when the time is right…youll know. And lastly he will too…
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Do something about the money BEFORE you open that discussion.
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Try to get something behind you, just start preparing to leave once a cheat always a cheat
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Save all the info keep getting evidence of affairs for the lawyers your hubby will be back living with his mother in no time and you won’t have to go anywhere
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Take screenshots of everything.
Put aside as much money as you can! Get referrals and meet with a few attorneys for free consultations.
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Celebrate Christmas at home, go see a lawyer. Quietly pull money out of joint bank account and place elsewhere. Then leave when it’s convenient for you or boot him out.
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My husband was doing this it only gets worse
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Ohhff me personally idk how I’d keep from flipping out. But I see alot of good advice save money , get all the information to send him packing not you …why should you leave? You didn’t do anything wrong. I feel for ya I’d be seriously upset.
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i just went through this but i decided to stay its sad but im staying for my kids to have a stable home for now
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I once played along…and i eventually told him i knew his wife and id be telling her all about himself and his advances. Told him how good of a woman she/I was and how she didnt deserve a disgusting human being of a man. Was priceless. 
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Say something now that when Xmas is done u want him out, Fuck that
It’s time to move on just do it it’s over it’s sad but do it
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Drop jokes and hints that you know
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Id say nothing to him about it…and move out in the new year…
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Every time you get groceries pull an extra $20$40$60 out an stock pile it somewhere safe. Gather all your financial documents, important paperwork, etc an tuck them away. Better to be prepared for the inevitable then not
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Yes!! Wait, and call the best solicitor you can! I found out Xmas Eve. Was so hard to hold it together!
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Bide your time. Be smart. Keep ALL the receipts (the text messages, pics, etc. ALLLLLL of it) Save here and there. Put on a happy face. Make a plan. Then boom 
he won’t know what hit em. Bastard. 
Men ain’t shit. It’s gonna take a true testament of your will to not say anything or do anything…yet. Just think about making the best plan for YOU and your kids. 
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I would just leave and make a magical Christmas for my kids.
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I agree let you kids celebrate Christmas first and I know it’s hard to hold it together but you need to make sure you can financially afford to leave as well so it’s less stressful on the kids and you
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File a restraining order- police will escort him out at a time you choose so you can keep your boys far from the drama and keep the house.
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My ex husband was the same. He went to backpage, was on every dating sites and had all the app to video chat and all. I waited, things only got worse, I got a bunch of false promises. If you wait for the money to get better etc, just make sure he doesn’t know you know. Otherwise he will make it hard for you to save a penny. Be true to yourself and how you feel. The kids won’t be happy anyways with you sad, they might be unhappy one Christmas but they will eventually be okay. When mom is happy, children are happier. If you wait until after the holidays, you might keep waiting because there will always be a reason why you don’t want to tell him yet, you won’t feel ready because of course you didn’t plan on him doing what he did. You’re not ready but need to move on, no matter how. Take screenshots and send them to people emails that you trust just in case he get a hold of your email he won’t be able to delete them.
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Tbh you’re really smart and
consider this a blessing. Save your money! And the holidays. You will miss them next year 
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Record everything & see a lawyer before you plan & leave. Make sure you have filed for divorce & custody before you leave.
Focus on your goal to leave and your boys having a peaceful holiday season. If you think your may flip out, leave the house and calm down.
One day at a time.
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I would have the best time messing with him and I would let him know u know but don’t want to ruin anything for ur kids and let him know what u plan to do. I wouldn’t be able to just not say anything.
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Things won’t change whether you speak to him now about it or after, either way it could end up in a argument. Bring your husband into a different room and bring up that you know that he is on dating sites and messaging other women, because it’s quiet disrespectful and shows the lack of respect he has for you and your marriage. Not to mention he’s probably emotionally cheating with those messages.
Yup say nothing and build up your money then leave after Xmas ! It will be hard but worth it . Leaving now without a plan you may struggle . But you will be better off in the long run! Good luck
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Make this holiday the best holiday ever…give him something to always remember what he lost…it’s hard but act as normal as you can…
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Try to save some money for a hotel in a lawyer then if your parents are still here make sure they are aware what’s going on but don’t give him no clue about what you found out because I don’t no you but your husband might change his attitude towards you really quickly or the people that you love but all I can say is good luck
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Leave now. How do you know he won’t leave tomorrow?
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Been there. I agree with Kaci Logan. I left very emotional and it hurt my three girls tremendously. Also, he emptied the bank account and I had 75.00. I was a stay at home mom. It will be so hard but do this smart and calmly. Document EVERYTHING with time and dates. Get screenshots of what you can. I’m so so sorry. On a good note, this happened to me 6 years ago and now I’m so happy and my girls are happy and healthy.
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He probably plans to meet up with at least one of them during the holidays. Document by following him and videoing evidence. Don’t go alone. Get numbers off his phone with screenshots, texts etc. Get her plate number and photos of her, especially them together. See a good attorney. Good luck, i am sorry, but trust can never be found once it is lost. I would try to keep my kids safe and secure in their own home if possible, only you can make that choice. 
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I would treat him amazingly then let him realise what he has then leave after Christmas
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Fuck Christmas, The only thing kids really care about are presents and attention during Christmas time you can give them both without the need to torture yourself in the meantime. Leave that sucka, Or make him leave if its your house. You shouldn’t have to be in a position where it will eat you alive to stay quiet for the sake of temporary peace you aren’t the one that has done anything wrong to endure that.
Financially stable? Dont make excuses to stick around. Some people have to leave with just the clothes on their backs and are the happiest they’ve ever been.
Husband? Get proof. Keep quite
Get your “ducks in a row” and take his cheating sorry butt to court
You need STD testing.
Know what you want to do. If you want to work on it have marriage counseling set up and demand he do it. If not:
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Start and account in your name. Sign up for paperless statements.
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Sign up for a new email address. Have the statements sent there. Don’t put the info for the email or the bank in your phone and use incognito browsing to check it.
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If you guys have savings take no more than half. If you don’t, document where the money you’re saving is coming from and expect that it can be factored in to the divorce. Use the secret email to document savings.
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When it’s time keep it calm and distant. You’ve made your choice, there’s nothing to argue about. You are probably better off not knowing the details. Tell him to leave and have a plan if he doesn’t.
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This is why you always need a little stash.
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I kicked my ex fiance out the night I found out he was cheating on me
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Say nothing, save money, screenshot the messages and send to yourself as evidence.
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Make a profile on same date sites and f with his head till you kick him out cat fish him
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I’d leave. Take the boys somewhere else do Christmas with them and explain that daddy couldn’t make it and then tell your s/o to kick rocks
Leave.
However you need to do it you pack your stuff and you get out. Sounds awful
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What I’d do is the following.
I’ll walk up, no emotion on my face. He asks what is it, and I say to him (while examining my nails) “I know about the websites and the lies and the cheating” (look up to him) “I know about it all.” Turn around and walk away, and act as if nothing happened. Make your plans, see your lawyer, get your shit together and leave. No matter how long it takes. The best plans are those made in private
Don’t say anything remain calm and find a plan to leave after the holidays . Does he have a savings ? Try and get some money 
to secure yourself or if you want to make sure your good maybe reach out to your family ? Or wait till you can find a job
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I just left my partner for the exact same reason. He was literally addicted to those apps. Running in the bathroom with his phone up to nine times in less than two hours with his phone. Every month was another “Oh look! Another dating app!” He had nothing but excuses and then would try to deflect onto me … Good news is he is not my child’s father, so it was easier. I gave it like four months and kept redrawing the boundary, be he kept on keepin’ on … Plus little disappearing acts followed by gaslighting when I talked to him and catching him in lies all over the place. I talked to him about it right after his birthday last spring… But…it just kept getting worse! I dumped him end of August
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Consult attorney ASAP, at least 3. Get a burner phone to do these things that are related to all of this. Change all your passwords to anything he has access to. Get Tina Swithin materials. All her books are excellent, obviously ship it to a trusted someone or get kindle versions so he doesn’t get tipped off. Tina is the founder of One Mom’s Battle. If you search terms on her FB page like “exit plan” you will hit a goldmine of information that will help you a lot. Don’t say a single word to the man until you’re done with your attorney consults. From that point forward you will be Better off moving all communication to in writing and backing up the texts using app that saves and organizes them for you. This man’s behavior is one in line with a man that is NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disordered person. Divorcing one is not like getting a divorce from a non-disordered individual. Narcs are a breed of their own. You have to prepare in very stealth mode, and be very strategic and hire an attorney that “gets it” that has in-depth understanding of going up against a narc in court . Educate yourself about narcissistic behaviors and how to best position yourself to protect your kids and yourself and get what you need covered. Get all your ducks in a row. Gotta always stay one step ahead of him that’s why you don’t make threats, don’t give him a heads up about any move you plan to make. Always always assume a judge will read all written communication between y’all. Research your state recording laws and if it is permitted then set up nanny cams to make sure any acts of abuse or violence against you is caught on camera or at very least audio. Send all information files, screenshots,pdf scans of information related to finances etc , pictures and other evidence (in other words all documentation to support your case when you go to court) to an email you will set up solely for this purpose. Email it all to that and use a password he can’t guess. Set up two-factor authentication for extra security. Don’t ever leave yourself logged in to anything. Write a timeline. Best wishes to you. Remember knowledge is power. A divorce coach would be really helpful to you.
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If you say anything to him bring up the holiday for the kids. Things with people like that never change. Get out when you can.
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I’d stay & put money aside. Do not move out of the house until you’ve spoken to & found an attorny that you like! Your attorney will tell you which is better, leaving or tossing him out. Every state is different. Good luck!
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So sorry for you and the kids,May our Sweet Lord guide you
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Everybody is so level headed! I’d be all psychotic hahahah 
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I am so sorry you have to go through this. I pray for wisdom and discernment in this situation. I also pray for strength and peace during this time. I know it’s going to be hard but you did an awesome thing in reaching out. God bless you and your family. Merry Christmas!
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You guys are so mature. I’ve dealt with it in a previous marriage. That turn the other cheek stuff is over for me. If he’s on a dating site, I’ll make a profile too. Doesn’t mean I’m cheating but he’ll definitely know two can play the games he’s playing.
Thankfully my husband is a great guy. Sorry you’re experiencing this.
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I’d try to get money up and have a plan in place. Unless you have some where to go. If u have family or place to go then I’d confront his ass after I have gotten my things I’ll need out and kids not there. Have them gone and as ur final act blow his spot up. Tell him what u know and see how he reacts. Don’t spend Christmas with this fool. He dint deserve it. Ur kids will be ok as long as they have u and good place to be. Good luck.
It’s different that you guys have children.
Iv been. With a cheater
But we didn’t have kids it wasn’t easy to leave but once my heart knew it was over it was easy to pack up and leave
I didn’t want to but he didn’t love me
So I left after 2 n half years of constant lies and cheating 
Now I’m happy with the man of my dreams 3 going on 4 years with a handsome son together
I’m sorry my story doesn’t help
And I’m sorry you are finding these things about your husband and I wish you well and things will fall into place
Huggs
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- Say NOTHING (for now).
- Document EVERYTHING (gather ALL forms of proof that you can).
- Gather all vital records for yourself and the kids (SSN cards, Birth Certificates, Passports, etc.) and lock them away somewhere safe that he has no access to.
- Set up your own bank account that he is unaware of and save as much money as you possibly can, and take your 50% of shared accounts BEFORE saying a word.
- Get a good divorce attorney and follow their advice to the letter.
- DO NOT move out of the house, your children need a home; he can go kick rocks.
- Make sure your vehicle is in your name only, otherwise he can legally leave you without transportation.
Its gonna be tough, been through this. It hurts really badly. From my experience, at the time I had no one to talk to and I wish I had done things differently… get a lawyer, since you are married things are going to get complicated. There’s gonna be child custody, the lawyer will ask about alimony (since there’s proof of him cheating on you ) try to hang in there and put back every penny nickle and dollar you can and line you and your children a place to go and get a small storage unit, slowly pack and slip things in there that won’t be noticeable that you will need. It’s going to be very very hard not to confront him I promise it will be. But you need to go ahead and get a lawyer first in case things go south when you do confront him. Prayers for you momma and your children as you go through this 
In similar situation w hubby rn. He got a surprise coming in about 2.5 months when I get my insurance license and can financially walk away from “our” business which he wants but refuses to help me run as an equal partner… my kids are from my late husband with only one at home and I had the house before we married… but I also don’t want to ruin the holidays . So as much as it is grinding my gears I will keep peace and focus on all that is good in my life… and get my ducks in a row.
who knows? He might have an epiphany between now and then(Lol, doubtful)
Don’t let your ego trip up your future. Stay until you have all your ducks in a row. And then do what you have to
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I’m so sorry internet does strange things to people
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At least wait until the holidays are done with. It could cause big holiday trauma and make your kids hate Christmas forever. Also, set aside some money. I’m so sorry this has happened. 
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Wait until after Christmas as the atmosphere will be so tense otherwise. Why would you need to leave??!! He’s the one who’s been tempted away so he moves out! He’s still responsible for keeping a roof over their heads so will still pay his share towards the mortgage/rent at least. Get your first hour free from a solicitor in family law to plan what you need to do moving forward. Also maybe seek marriage counselling? Get to the root of why he’s felt tempted and do it before he does meet up with someone. Atm he’s all talk to these women, he’s not met with them yet which is good. Yes trust has been damaged but maybe it could be rebuilt? At least you can show your children that you both want to try but if it doesn’t work then so be it
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I could have wrote this exact paragraph 
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When either person cheats in a relationship it is because something is not right in the marriage. You may want to suggest that you both go to therapy first.
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I was part of a “for women only group” it was for a Christian group of women who their husband’s were addicted to porn or had cheated. In our study we learn that if we were in a place where we knew divorce was the only choice that we had to make sure we had financial plan ready, which could include make sure there is no debt, make sure you have a savings acct for like 6 months worth of yoir bills n yoi have a job or some kind of provision where you know you will be able to take care of you and your kids. A person example which actually happen is a lady that was marry to a doctor n she could not work becuase she had fibromyal (she was disabled) they were in debt 20k , n when they divorce she got really litle alimony money n she was responsible to paid $10k back, (it was Here un California) n the he didn’t paid nothing of his debt after the divorce so now the bill collectors agency was trying to get the ex wife to paid n ot took her like 20 years to get our of debt. If u have kids n kids in California you will only get 20% of his paycheck which is nothing . So don’t said anything. Telling him you are interested in being debt free asap , have a financial plan first.
I put up with this off and on for a good part of my marriage. I finally left after 31 years. Believe me, it only gets worse. My ex-husband would deny it right in front of my face when I would show him the proof. Very narcissistic! My sons barely have a relationship now with their father as he has dug himself into a hole while he continues to be an abusive, mean tempered, asshole.
I spoke with my adult boys before I left which was toward the end of October. Once speaking to them I decided to leave the following weekend. My ex-husband also has a terrible temper. My boys were afraid that he would get to the point like people do on that show called, “snapped.”(I think that’s what the show is called) My oldest son came over to be there in case my ex-husband threw one of his “temper tantrums.”
My ex-husband was shocked. I had caught him many more times than what he knew. Unfortunately, I live in the state of Kentucky which is a no-fault state as far as divorce goes. I think you should leave as soon as possible, do not do what I did.
If you do not work or make a lot less than your husband, you can file for alimony. You can also get help through the women’s crisis center in your area, file for food stamps, whatever you’ve got to do until you can get on your feet.
I was exactly where you are several years ago. I had a 5 and 2 year old at the time and was recovering from a major car accident when I found out. I didn’t believe any of it at 1st, we had a great marriage but I continued to monitor and never let him know that I knew anything. I screenshot and printed every conversation for almost a year while i was “ putting my ducks in a row”. I finally told him everything I knew and showed him the proof. He denied it all even with the proof. Then his true colors came out, he started accusing me of cheating and that I staged those messages to make him out to be the bag guy and the reason for our family being broken up. Me and the kids got our own place, had my name taken off the mortgage because I knew he couldn’t afford it on his own. 1 month later he moved his girlfriend in and 6 months later they were looking for somewhere to live because they foreclosed on the house. So let karma do its thing. It all works out eventually
Let him know you know and it will be discussed after the holidays because of the boys. Ask him to leave not you. You need a home and stability for your boys. He chose to step out so he should walk the highway
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Be quiet about everything. Be smart. Act like things are normal. Start recording everything and pay attention to everything he does. Wait until you’re in a good financial situation to be able to walk out without him knowing. Get a lawyer and don’t tell him. Go before a judge about the infidelity and file for divorce without him knowing. Leave the house the day before you know he is being served.
This is what I did and it worked (my situation was abuse instead of infidelity but this could still apply) Haven’t seen him since.
So sorry, and good luck!
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Same situation but 3 years ago, told him I knew and that it was over but would play ‘happy families’ for the kids sake until after Christmas. Was the hardest 6 weeks but did it, never been happier !!
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Take pictures and get all the evidence you need. Put it all together in a file.
Crazy me would give him a copy of the evidence as a Christmas gift 
But my advice to you:
Keep your evidence, plan everything and after the holidays leave him. Start your new year fresh and build a loving home for your family
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I slept on the couch until he asked if we were okay… I lost it and everything came out…
This but worse happened to me, 4 days before Xmas I found out. I didn’t want to wreck everyone else’s Xmas - so I only wrecked mine, and staying was the worst decision I’ve ever made, because it continued and got more depraved and disgusting all the way along too. .
One ruined Xmas or many ruined Xmases - the choice is all up to you.
They don’t change!!! and they lie till they’re blue in the face even when you have hard evidence in front of them… with their continued lies and cheating.
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There’s never a good time for a break up. You deserve better.
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Tell him but don’t tell him your next move. Just collect yourself silently.
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See a lawyer and know what you’re entitled to. Seek their advice on anything you need to start taking notes on as far as custody goes especially. Get prepared before you make a big scene. You don’t need to be leaving. Keep the kids in their home. Send him packing.
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I think tell him you know and say he has to leave after Christmas x don’t go looking for clues coz it will eat you up x in that time you will be busy making sure those kids have a smashing Christmas then you can start your new chapter in the new year x sending a hug coz it will be a hard journey but it will get better I promise x I did it 6 years ago and have never been happier but it took time and I had 7 kids to help too xx
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No, no way and NOPE!! Once a cheater, always a cheater! It will never be the same again. He doesn’t deserve you! If it’s your home, kick his lowlife ass out now! If it’s his place, move in with friends or family til you can get your own place. Forget waiting til after the holidays in my opinion. You need to start healing NOW! Why be miserable pretending for the holidays? Get out now. Your kids are gonna know something isn’t right so no reason to suffer through the holidays pretending! Start over now! Good luck!
I would recommend you watch the series “Maid” that is on Netflix if you can. It touches on a lot of topics that you might not have thought of that might help you on your new Journey.
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Having been in a worse place ( affair and she was pregnant, and much more ) - I would gather all the evidence. Probably get Christmas over with if you haven’t got the evidence you need before. If you have its what feels right to you in letting him know you know ! But I’d be mentally preparing on your way ahead. And be in a strong position when the time comes.
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To me that’s cheating, I probably would also wait till after Christmas but also just to fuck with him…I’d make a dating profile n sit n chat while he watches…if he ask what your doing just say ahhh lol this guy cracks me up! He says who…this guy I met on this app…make him squirm
Get a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Say nothing.
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Send a letter in the mail addressed to your husband telling him to come clean or someone else will …
As I always say it’s the lie that matters its why were you not worth the truth ?!
Why could he bot be trythful to you and your marriage…
I wish you all the best
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You will likely have it build up and slip before then personally I think the sooner the better because you don’t want it to be christmas or Christmas eve and you explode honestly me personally I would confront him kick his ass out and he can enjoy being alone for the holidays or up some bitchs skirt idc dude but honestly its up to you
If you’re not 100% ready to be financially on your own, you keep your mouth shut and play the game. You act like ain’t shit wrong. Keep your evidence but do not show your cards until you’re ready to be on your own. Once you are ready, you lay it all out and rock him.
Since he doesn’t know you know, quietly collect you evidence, get in touch with a lawyers, see you doctor for testing, do not have sex with him, counseling for yourself bc they always blame everyone but themselves for their own screw ups, and remember to breathe, eat, stay hydrated, and you ARE worth more than the way he’s treated you!
I’ve read that if you leave it can look bad for custody. Start working behind the scenes and when the time comes, he should leave, not you
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I cant advise you as wue are all different with different personality. God love you i wish u all the best on ur hard road ahead. Ul find your way. 
My heart breaks for ur pain in all this. Utter bas*ard xxx
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Get a lawyer, focus on getting through Christmas with your kids happy, get your ducks in a row and leave once you are in a stable position to do so, quietly and easily. Look after you xx
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You need to tell him that you know he’s been unfaithful and right now nothing will be done so the holidays aren’t ruined but after, there needs to be some boundaries met…
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If you ask the question honey, you already know the answer
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Don’t say anything, it’s not going to make any difference to him. Just get your funds ready and make sure that you copy his online behavior to have the proof for court and leave! That’s what I would do.
I don’t know how people sit on this type of information. I couldn’t hold my tongue five minutes.
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