Man man man 
this is jus so sad. Realize it’s not necessarily about you but he has an addiction and needs help. Maybe separation will help n u focus on making yourself happy and self confident. Make yourself feel beautiful.
He’s doing what matters to him, and showing you what he values and prioritizes. You don’t need to be second to his fantasies. He should be the one feeling ashamed and should be asking online forums for help. You put you first, and your kids, and he can either catch up or pack up. Good luck, and if not him, someone else will value you, and see you for the beautiful woman and mother you are. 
im reading it and seeing myself 10 years ago! I left the relationship and could have not been happier but then again I cant speak for you! Try and fight
For love as hard as you can but if it is taking parts of you with it leg it and never look back
First off… this has nothing to do with you and your “attraction” level! Please do not make this a you thing. He has an addiction. Period. He will need help to overcome it. Period. You need to make the decision of whats best for your well being. If he’s told you he’ll stop, and hasn’t, he’s stuck (whether by choice or addiction). You may have to step out for a bit to be a happy momma for your babies. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are enough!!
If you feel done, then there probably isn’t going to be any point in asking about counseling. If you’ve emotionally moved on, sounds like, then counseling will probably only prolong this situation and hurt you both.
If you still feel like there’s something worth saving, counseling isn’t always the best answer either. But you should remember a relationship is a two way street where both ends should equally compromise. I would say you, yourself, should take some self love courses. He won’t make you feel better about yourself-you will. No man or woman can give you that.
Now, if there’s an addiction, nothing will change unless he wants it to. So you could help him and yourself by realizing desire and arousal are natural things. Men are more likely to need visual stimulation than women. He may be more interested in porn because he may subconsciously feel you’re unreceptive to intimacy when he feels “in the mood”. More than likely it has nothing to do with your body, and more about ease of access for a quick fix.
If you feel comfortable tackling this scenario, there are many couple videos that give demonstrations and activities “in the bedroom” to help couples feel closer and more comfortable about voicing their intimacy needs. Not only would it bring you closer, you’d be more intimate, you both get physical fulfillment, you feel desired, you might learn some new fun things which will keep him thinking about things to try with you, and it may just help you both be happier in the everyday.
Now if someone watches porn, they won’t stop, especially if it’s an addiction, but you can channel that into something positive that works for you both.
1 Like
You do not control addiction, it controls you. Handle it and the relationship like you would any other addiction. You have to be the one to make decisions for your emotional well being and happiness. That will flow through to your kids
Work on your self confidence… workout, get your hair done, wear makeup. Make time for yourself. Maybe get a babysitter and have date nights. Put some spice back in the marriage. Send him messages throughout the day that make it to where he can’t wait to come home to see you.
Work on yourself build up your confidence, I know it’s hard but you can’t change something about someone that they aren’t willing to change themselves. Meaning, if you force him to stop he will probably end up resenting you. My husband watches porn but the way I look at it, he could be out cheating but he’s not. Porn is just fantasy it’s not real life.
1 Like
Ok it sounds like YOU need to work on YOU first. If you don’t love yourself you’re going to just be insecure about all relationships.
I say this in the most nicest way maybe you need to talk to someone about your insecurities.
If I were you I would leave. Your happiness has to come first. I do agree with others that you need to find love with yourself. Your husband obviously doesn’t respect the agreement that you two made regarding him watching porn. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Your children deserve to see you happy. Good luck to you.
Having dealt with this before. I had to learn it had nothing to do with me. This is their problem! Not yours. You are beautiful. You are real. You are priceless. I’m not going to say divorce your husband. It sounds like you’ve already emotionally disconnected which is very hard but necessary in this situation to protect yourself from the hurt going forward. no it’s not a perfect situation. Don’t beg him anymore. Do for you what makes you feel good clothing wise etc. Work on building yourself up without needing his approval. He might change he might not. But if he’s a good father and a good husband otherwise I’d just continue to pray for him and keep your vows and family intact. But work on yourself. Figure out what makes you happy and feel beautiful and do that for yourself. Don’t rely on him for self worth. That’s my opinion.
I’m sorry your going through this I know how difficult it can be when the men we love seem to not care about our feelings. It’s important to remember that sometimes their personal issues don’t have anything to do with us, some times it’s something that they are Personally fighting. I think it’s important for you to communicate with him, and I know you already did, about your feelings about it, but I mean in a way that could help offer him a solution. My husband had a small struggle with that same thing before we got married, he said what helped him was me being interesting his desires, fantasy’s , etc. and being open to trying them. And him making videos of me or of us together that he could look at instead of strangers. After that we had no problems. Of course everyone is different and every situation is different. But I hope you see this and you guys work this out. And have many more years of happy, healthy marriage!
He has an addiction. This has messed with his view of how a real live woman is supposed to look. Girl you could look exactly like one of those he’s looking at and he would still look. I say counseling would help. But girl you and only you know when you’ve had enough. Live to please yourself not him. He will follow and if not maybe you better off without hubby.
If it makes you uncomfortable and he continues doing it. No matter what it is, then it’s disrespect. It’s unhealthy and proven to cause unrealistic expectations in sex for couples. I’m not against porn BUT if your giving more attention to porn (or anything for that matter) than you do your partner then that’s disrespect. You have attempted to communicate and he keeps giving false promises. That’s not healthy or fair to you.
A lot of the young girls on here are saying play games with him. That might of worked early in the relationship before marriage and kids and family obligations but not now. Try couple counseling and dig into why he does it. Give it all you got with him but be completely honest with how you feel about it. You’ve got three kids counting on this. Make it work or separate as friends that don’t have the same interest.
This guy has an addiction. He has to learn how to relieve stress and tension, how to enjoy life without pornography. It has nothing to do with you… He needs to see a therapist asap and treat his addiction. It is the same as smoking 3 packs a day or eating tons of sugar.
First of all, your feelings are valid. Everyone has different comfort levels and mine are quite in line with yours. It was a huge struggle in my past relationship, but is not an issue in my current one. Yes many people look at porn, and generally it shouldn’t be a problem. However, it does become a problem when it starts affecting your sexual relationship or when it involves lying to your partner. It sounds like you are actively working on your self confidence but not getting support from the person you should be able to rely on. That sucks, and I’m sorry. All I can say is I moved on and have now found what I was looking for in someone else.
I would leave him. He doesn’t respect you enough to stop even when you set a boundary. He might be a good person and father but you deserve to feel loved and valued. My husband doesn’t look at porn. Honestly, I thought it was weird because other partners I’ve had did but the thing is, it doesn’t bother me. But because it bothers you, that’s why you need to get out. I hope this helps. No matter what you decide though, you are worthy, you are beautiful, you are perfect the way you are. Hugs and loves!
I feel like life is way to unpredictable and short for us to remain in unhappy or miserable relationships. if your partner is not giving you what you need intimately, why remain? yes, all of the other things about them might be great but intimacy is a huge deal. why remain unhappy and feeling unloved for the remainder of your days, just cause he’s a good dad and provider? makes no sense to me. the children will grow up and leave and you’ll be with this man for the rest of your days. the rest of your days should be happy days. as should your days now, as a mother.
Sounds like you already knw what you need/want to do. If it’s been this long, you’ve expressed how you’ve felt and things still haven’t changed then you deserve much better than this. 
I watch more porn than my hubby… not to do with the people in it either. It’s about the fantasy, it’s not realistic. Nobody wants to be in a committed relationship with a pornstar or a stripper.
It’s nothing to do with the way you look and his lack of interest in you. It’s just a form of escape and it can be arousing.
However I do understand how other people worry about it and view it.
I will say woman to woman. Go find something that boosts your confidence, something that makes you feel amazing and sexy. Don’t rely on a man to make you feel like that because the truth is if you felt sexy and confident it wouldn’t bother you anymore.
1 Like
Honestly the only thing that matters here is your happiness and if your not happy do what’s best for you so you can be the best women/mom for your kids❤️ If you want to try and work things out maybe consider sending him some sexy photos! I used to be so uncomfortable with it but after awhile I preferred that than my husband watching porn on his own. We’ll watch it together sometimes too now but he’ll always end up turning it off a few mins into it.
In no way do you have to change your comfort zone to make him happy!! But you might find it nice too, that’s just my experience 
We’re both 30 and been married for 11 years and together for half our lives and have 3 kids! And with 3 kids it’s really hard to get tome for yourselves so it worked for me spicing things up a bit and feeling like the days when we started dating again!
It is not true that everyone watches porn! Each person has their own set of values that they hold- it sounds like you have communicated a number of times that this is a deal breaker for you- if he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries, and he doesn’t make you feel appreciated then it is time to assess what you are getting out of the relationship you are in. If you have fallen out of love with him, then it might be time to separate- most importantly, don’t go to your partner for validation about you- you have to love yourself first- it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about you in any way- you are the one who needs to look at you (inside and out) and realize that you with all of your flaws included are a special person and you deserve to be confident and loved and treated how you want to be treated… If you are not happy, life is short- do what you need to do for yourself and your babies.
The part about the review photos is a bit disturbing, there are always two sides to a story though and I feel like we are missing a piece here. I do believe in porn addiction, I have seen it first hand. If he is watching porn multiple times a day to where it is affecting your daily life or your personal sex life then yes, this is a major issue that needs to be addressed with counseling or leaving his ass. But if he is only watching porn on his own time because he is horny and you are unable or not wanting to relieve him of that tension then I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for watching porn occasionally. Unless he gets another woman involved or is getting off to porn and then not taking care of you, I do not believe he is cheating… Also depends on what kind of porn he is looking at. If it’s some weird kinky fettish shit then I would be concerned. If you love him and want to save your relationship then you need to address this with him and tell him if it doesn’t stop it will ultimately ruin you guys… Throw on a sexy outfit and take some pictures to send to him, have sex more often, put a little spice in your life, have him help you build your self confidence, and see if he stops. With that being said, If he continues to look at other women instead of you then it’s time for him to go 
. That’s cheating.
1 Like
Why not compromise and let him watch it occasionally. If he enjoys it, he is going to do it. Give him an opportunity where he doesn’t feel like it’s forbidden and maybe he won’t be looking for every opportunity to get off. Not everyone watches porn, but some people get gratification from it. Neither is shameful.
He needs help, and you need to get out of this relationship, he doesn’t respect you or gives your value. You have spoken about your feelings and nada! He doesn’t care.
I’d have a problem with the porn too. If he wouldn’t stop I’d leave him. Love and respect are huge things!
I don’t know where you live, but there are pornography addiction meetings all over. Usually it’s a church doing it(not sure if you’re religious), but they’re great meetings.
It’s been said pornography is a harder addiction to beat than cocaine and it completely “rewires your brain”.
I hope he can get help
I dealt with my first husband doing that for almost 21 years…I can tell you, in my case, it escalates and they begin to be inappropriate sexually from it as time goes on….the bottom line is that it’s disrespectful and it does change how you feel about the marriage. I got the same way…just didn’t look at him the same and wasn’t in love anymore…no counseling can fix that. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the porn at that point…it has to do with respect. Don’t wait 21 years like I did. I divorced him and am now remarried to an amazing man…who, by the way, doesn’t watch porn…he would much rather have the real thing
It comes to a point when you need to be happy yourself. Maybe take a break see where things go? Maybe seeing you leave will snap him back into reality. Sure it’s ok to watch some porn once in a while when I don’t want to have sex lol but seems like your husband watch’s a lot of it and I’d deffinetly not be cool with that.
You have different values and beliefs that he is not willing to respect. This is something that means a lot to you so it will not work unless he stops. Maybe let him know that you’re considering a separation because of it. Do it calmly, tactfully. We can all hope that he would then stop doing the habit that you dislike so much. This is a deal breaker for you, a boundary that he is continuously crossing. So it’s very healthy and ok to desire to end it when you are repetitively being shown your need of him stopping is not being met.
Just whatever you do, do it calmly and from your heart. Do not yell, screaming, all of that will only be a heat of the moment fight and nothing is accomplished or taken seriously in that moment.
I had to leave my exhusband. He refused to stop -
It turned into real cheating plus other factors. We didn’t have kids but if my now husband disrespected me and disregarded my feelings in this way even though we have children I would leave. You’re setting an example for those kids on how they should be treated and how they should treat their future spouses. Do it for you, and for them. You will find someone that will adore you.
I would leave.
Regardless of how others view porn, you have set the boundary of it being cheating and he continues to cross a set boundary.
I would get divorced and work in being friends for the children, but romantically I think the marriage is done.
Good luck mama!
I’m sorry that you’re are in this position, because Lord knows it’s hard on its own, then you add in that there are kids involved…. Shit it heavy. BUT I am honestly SO happy for you that you have reached the “out of love” point because that will help you see & think clearly & it sounds like you already are. You are damn right you have tried enough for long enough. HE is the damn problem. 110%. Even if you have body issues & insecurities. As your partner, he should NOT be intentionally & continuously working against your weaknesses. Period. You, your body issues, your loyalty, & everything else you have to offer as well as your kids deserve better. Do t let anyone convince you differently. He has been lying to & disrespecting you for years. Just keep in perspective that this is something HE needs to work on & you do NOT owe him your own happiness in order to stay by his side while he gets help of je even chooses to. Also remember that how you live your life is setting the path for how your kids will live theirs. Best of wishes mama.
Porn isn’t the issue. Many men and women can respectfully look at it and enjoy it WITHOUT being addicted and abusing it. Seems to me that if he is openly doing so, he’s trying to hurt you. Have the conversation and say enough is enough. Now, you aren’t his mother and can’t control what he watches and looks at. BUT it’s the way he’s doing it is… rather creepy.
For example my husband and I will watch together! Or separately on our own personal time. But we have rules about when it’s watched. If we are both home and willing, you don’t seek sexual fulfillment from anything (porn, toys) but each other. If we are home and one person isn’t in the mood, then we either just let the urge pass or help the other person.
You need to come together as a married couple and understand that some people just need porn in order to get there. Understand his needs but you also need to put some rules behind them.
All I’m saying is it’s the way he is going about it. It’s disrespectful. Set rules and boundaries on his side, but you also need to be more open and secure in your relationship.
1 Like
You deserve a man that makes you feel beautiful. If I caught my husband getting off to women on reviews I’d be looking into some serious couples counseling or divorce…that’s just creepy…
She said in the beginning they both agreed its cheating, so he knows what he’s doing…
say what you want folks if he’s looking at porn that much he’s gonna cheat if he hasn’t already. If he was happy with her, he wouldn’t be looking, so her losing interest in him for his sick pastime is what he should expect
I went through a similar situation with my husband and I was about to leave, it took me breaking down and telling him just how serious I was about leaving for anything to change, but my husband is a truck driver so I made a couple of “special videos” and let him take a couple of pics so he would have no reason to look elsewhere, but I didn’t let my face be in any of those!! You might try to offer that and see if he will go for it but if he won’t then he might be on his way out also. Goodluck and I am sorry you are going through this, I know how devastating it can be to your confidence and mental health, if you need to talk more you can pm me anytime.
In all honesty I do think it’s his wife that gets it started. He sees you in your bra and panties or bikini and he wants to see more. Men think about sex constantly and once you put your clothes back on he’s looking for more of the sexy you just gave him. He’d be equally happy with a pic of you in it.
Is he just looking? Or he he getting off everytime? He may have a sex addiction and uses porn to arouse himself. I’m guessing since you fell out of love that you do not have an emotional connection (a sex addict trait) he definitely needs counseling because like any addiction, it’s his mind that needs help.
Or leave him.
I completely know what you are talking about, how you feel, and agree with all you’ve said. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Honestly if he isn’t willing to go to an addiction therapy for this or get help in some way for you, I would call it what it is and leave. Civil of course, as you care about eachother. But if there is no love or respect or understanding on the situation…there’s no relationship left. He needs help, but if he isn’t willing to get the help then there’s your answer on the relationship in his eyes. Maybe what he needs to do is go back to a flip phone/non smart phone for a long while to break the habit. If you have a computer, somehow make it unaccessible for a long while too? In the meantime, take some time away for yourself to make yourself confidence come back. Go to a gym class, get a massage, get a mani pedi, get a hairstyle change, get a few new awesome outfits…new shoes. Get your worth back up there. And then don’t let yourself lose it again! Know your worth in all of this. If none of this works, and the love cannot be brought back, then it is time to move on for the both of you.
He’s got an additional to porn at this point and is using it as a pacifier. If he truly values you, he will seek counseling.
If you both have established porn as cheating, than he’s actively lying to you and does not regard your feelings.
My husband was similar. But i told him if things didnt change it would end. We decided that we would both give up something. He had to give up porn and i gave up sweets. It was a give and take for us. And we both have done much better. It hurt so badly and I felt like u did not good enough but since giving up something together we have bonded more then ever it will be 8 yrs next month since we first got together. We made the decision months ago. If we didnt change things between us we would both be single right now. Im so grateful that we both worked thru it. What im saying is maybe it could work for yall to
I have no idea what you should do but I would be furious/emotionally done too. I’m so sorry that HIS problem is affecting how you feel about yourself. Read that again, HIS PROBLEM is affecting you. Men with that problem, you could be a 9 on the hot scale and he’d still be looking up 5s and up. IT’S NOT YOU and your feelings are hugely valid
1 Like
Girl, no judgment here. Pray on it and do what you think is best… if he don’t notice anything such as a little black dress to spice things up then you got him all wrong. Leave him to his porn but do not cut off communication for the sake of your kids and shoot, the only way you can get over self esteem issues is to wear what is considered out of your comfort zone… give him a chance to miss you. By then he’ll realize the porn wasn’t all that worth it… take that time to show yourself some self love.
I would say seek a sex therapist. It also sounds like you have some insecurity issues and the lack of affection only adds to it. What are some things that you love about yourself, flaws and all? I would start looking at myself and how I valued me before placing it on him. Take some time and pamper yourself. The better you feel, the more your confidence will grow. Men are visual creatures and maybe you need to step it up a little bit. There is also nothing wrong with porn. I suggest a date night with a cute lingerie set, and allow him to play out one of the fantasies. You would be surprised at how many women there are that’s never even experienced a good orgasm. Again seek a sex therapist and possibly a mental health counselor for yourself or a woman’s support group. I love April Mason and her femininity group.
When I was married I didn’t like porn I thought it was cheating but my husband still did it I never talk to him about it but the thing that hurt me the most was just right after we had sex or made love what ever I just knew he was looking at porn and that kind of made me awful I felt like I wasn’t doing my job it made me have low self-esteem but after we divorced I started watching porn and I so Obsessed with it That I watched it all the time and I still watch it today it helps me a lot specially when I don’t have time for sex Or are too busy and it helps me stay faithful And it satisfies my cravings
Wow people!!!..How about thinking for yourself!!! It’s hard but it’s life! Don’t let these fools get you down! If you really love each other it shouldn’t be a problem!!!
Some people literally have a porn addiction that can basically run there life. Those people literally can’t watch it but try counseling if you want to try and make it work.
I couldnt handle it myself either… I found a whole bunch of porn and other sights when I was 38wks pregnant. I almost left and never looked back. I’ve been through so much and that was it for me. He promised he never ever would do it again. I stayed. So far I haven’t seen anything or notice anything. His behavior was different when he would be addicted to those things. Once it was gone it was night and day difference… I would tell him you’re gonna leave if it doesn’t end now. Tell him exactly how it has made you feel and you’re done with it. You or that. Simple enough decision.
You know what? You have every right to feel what you’re feeling specially if that is how he’s making you feel even if he mean it or not and whether he’s aware of it or not. What you should do, vocalize, let him know what you feel about your issue and your relationship and see what happens from there. In the end atleast you did your part that is the most important and you will have no regrets.
It’s not the porn. It’s the way you feel in this relationship. You’ve expressed your feelings and instead of offering reassurances (the kinds with actions, not just words), he’s doing things that he knows aren’t okay.
Do I know my boyfriend likes to look at attractive women? Yep. But I also know, without a doubt, that he is attracted to and only wants to be with me because I am more to him than just something to look at.
I’ve been married to someone with a major life-disrupting porn habit and it sucks. It eats away your self-esteem and makes it an incredibly difficult cycle to get out of. Yes, you need to learn to love and validate yourself, but that doesn’t come overnight, and it’s not easy. But it can absolutely be done. Msg me. I get where you are. I’ve been there.
Okay so porn is one thing (still cheating in my opinion) but this guy was going to review sections of clothing and getting off to random people. That’s disgusting. I would divorce him. Getting off to random people who innocently posted their reviews on lingerie and stuff is sick.
Men have those 3 priorities… Food, comfort, sex. What order they are in matters. For me, I’m into a guy with the priorities rated just how I listed them. If sex was on top, I’d say we wouldn’t be a good match. Sounds like that’s just what you are facing. Some women would prefer the sex be number one. If that’s not you, you’ve got some choices to make. Decide what your boundaries are and move forward with them intact… Whatever that means may seem huge. It’s doable, though, because you matter. You are lovable. You deserve someone who loves the entire you and knows how beautiful you are. Make a reasonable out plan and move forward. Discussing details with him isn’t necessary… Just let him know your boundaries and what your next move is. Expecting him to change is a waste of time. Comparing yourself to those filthy girls in the magazine is also a waste of time. You go be your best self, whatever that is. ((Hugs)) 
I’d have a sit down with him and re-evaluate the relationship with him and really listen to what he has to say. If he has a high sex drive and there hasn’t been any intimacy, him going to porn is understandable. If there has been intimacy and he goes to porn he might have an issue. It’s understandable you don’t like porn, some people just don’t do it! However things can change over a marriage so maybe you could try watching it with him, it might make you feel better watching it together instead of catching him by himself.
Addictions are tricky subjects. It’s VERY easy to be offended and hurt when someone you love chooses their addiction over you. If you want him to talk about it more with you and to be as open and honest as he can be then you’ll have to give him a 100% judgmental free zone to feel comfortable enough to talk to you about his addiction. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of it. Please don’t think that if you were anything other than what you are that he’d stop watching the porn and looking up reviews. Which by the way sounds like MUCH more than a porn addiction. Relationships are constant work but cannot be successful if only one partner is honestly putting in the work to fix the issues. Sounds like y’all need to either put porn guards on your phones, HE needs to see someone like a therapist, or something else that is actually productive. But if y’all are going to work on this you need more than just a “promise” to convince you he’s going to actually work on himself. You need action because HE has proven his words mean nothing. Once resentment builds to your partner it’s extremely hard to get past that. Good luck
Some men do have the addiction. It doesn’t mean they love you any less. It is their insecurity. He is still coming home to.you .
He needs to see a counselor that specialized in sex addiction or he needs to hit the road.
Look girl if you have expressed on a thousand different occasions that it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t like it and you all had established in the beginning of your relationship that it was cheating so he was fully aware of that fact then you need to drop him. If you feel worse with him and he brings you down then you need to get a divorce. He’s breaking you day by day. Stop wasting time on something that obviously can’t be fixed because he will always have a phone and access to it even when sitting on the toilet and if he has a chance to watch it he will regardless if he is as you say addicted. If he wants help he can go to rehab and try and fix it for himself but he obviously doesn’t feel it’s a problem. Only you. I say it’s time to separate and find someone that will respect boundaries and help you feel good about you not worse and worse everyday.
Ignore everyone on here who makes any comment invalidating your feelings or saying it’s normal, blah, blah. Tell him counseling or I am out of here. When you tell your partner something hurts you emotionally or physically for that matter and it is something they do NOT need to do (ie porn), they should stop. PERIOD!!! This is more than just about porn, this is about honesty, communication, and trust. If he can’t communicate his issues, be fucking honest, or be trusted … there is a problem.
Girl it’s not you it’s him he have an addiction and he have to solve it not you he have to handle this one on his own believe me it’s not you it’s him all him
I think there is a lot in said here,many men and women watch porn ,but if you both agreed early on neither of you would that’s betrayed trust ,if he is constantly looking at porn and it’s interfering with work and family ,huge red flag ,but also is he just looking at naked women ,is it porn with kinky fetishes ,abuse or degrading women ,is there a theme to the porn he watches,how old is he ,did he have much sexual experience before with other women before you ,do you have a good sex life together ,often ,so many things that could be at work here
If you’re unhappy, it’s time to go. You’ve told him you want him to stop watching porn, and he chooses to continue. You are not going to change him, and you shouldn’t try. You either accept him the way he is willing to live his life, or you move on. You can’t change a person. They have to want to change. You can only control you. So that being said, change how you react to what he does, or change your environment. You have stated you have a lot of insecurities. Maybe work on that. It’s not up to him to make you feel good about yourself. He can’t do that. That has to come from in you. If he doesn’t like what you wear, so what. If you like it, and it makes you happy, that’s all that should matter.
You need to love yourself more before trying to be in a relationship period, let alone a marriage.
I was there, and I am so sorry. My ex would literally have ME laying there naked and he would still get off to porn IN FRONT OF ME. Now fast forward 5 years, I’m in an amazing marriage with a man that says it feels dirty to look at anyone other than me. That man is a lost cause. You can attempt counseling, and honestly, it may work if he seeks help after hearing your feelings in front of a neutral party. But if he keeps doing it afterwards, then leave and never look back. You will be so much more than enough for somebody else one day who will also be more deserving of your beauty and your love.
Literally been in same situation plus chat rooms because they did stuff sexting wise that I wouldn’t do period. Ultimately I left and I’m so glad I did. After I found ones with very questionable titles on one of our shared devices. Same thing even the sorry I won’t do it again… or the but I was lonely…then it turned more to my fault. I’d run. Especially if it’s so necessary right after having a child like no that’s bonding time and spending with the new child or as a family. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Both of you are completely normal. It is completely normal to feel insecure and want reassurance you are wanted and he is still attracted to you. It is completely normal and so far from cheating to look at porn and to masterbate. Its healthy and there is some good stuff out there just for women if you’re needing a release as well. Maybe a counselor for either or both of you. Maybe a date night. Maybe watch some together. Maybe a trip to the adult store and come back with some toys for both of you.
Give him some Lube and a sleeve or pocket pussy and yourself a g spot toy. Give it with a flirty note like :I’d love to be the person your think of 1st, but for the times we dont have time and we must fly solo let’s have some fun. Be playful. Re think how you want to approach this. What is the end result? You want him to want you and not feel rejected or pushed away.
What reaction will you have that will be more inviting? Being upset and clingy will not make him feel more intimate with you.
Note:
Red flags that I would have a issue with: messaging,calling,meeting up with or video chatting someone.
Going on 14 years. The addiction doesn’t go away. Refusal of counseling. I gave up trying to force him to change. I started demanding my own sexual satisfaction over his own. He can wank off to porn all he wants, but if it affects my sexual needs, I give him hell. I bought sex toys and he uses them on me as many times as I request and as I see fit. Don’t care if he gets off. I’m petty and bitter about it now.
Your feelings absolutely matter. And how dare he continue to do something that hurts you ON PURPOSE. He needs counseling, THEN y’all need counseling together. If you would like counseling on your own, by all means, but by no means think any of this is your fault. If he refuses counseling, divorce him. Sexual addiction just gets worse without professional help.
I’ve been seeing someone that can’t stop doing something. ( Can’t say what) but anyway. I gave him 6 weeks to sort it out and he hasn’t. So unfortunately for him ( and for me) he’s another man on the junk pile. I literally have zero tolerance for that. A bit is ok.
Men ( and people in general) don’t change, they won’t. Either decide you can live with it or divorce him.
When she said “for us, it is cheating” sounds like it’s “ for me, it’s cheating” men watch porn….that’s almost inevitable….how is it cheating?? That’s a really unrealistic request to put on someone….some people are too insecure with themselves that they project this onto their partner…addiction or not, she’s got an issue here. Buttttt he’s watching weird stuff that’s not porn and on the first night the baby’s home…that’s excessive.
No not everyone watches it but I bet more men watch it then all women know about. As long as there not going out and actually cheating I’m ok with it. But not all the time. And not under unusual circumstances like when your having a baby. But if this guy was getting sex regularly why would he need to do that so often?! That’s my question. I don’t care to watch it but I agreed to once in awhile for my man and he agreed to do things for me. It’s just something we came up with to make each other happy. But we don’t watch it during sex, but sometimes before. I want his attention on me during such a special moment. I hope you figure out what you need to do and want to be happy. And being with him doesn’t seem to make you happy. Maybe time to move on?
Been where you are it’s not you it is an addiction go get counseling and see if he can get help
I have been through just about the same thing. My husband was addicted to porn too and he would refuse sex with me but then go look at porn, and it hurt. It hurt knowing he enjoyed looking at girls much younger and prettier than me and didn’t want me. He even started going to the lingerie coffee shops just to stare at other girls. My past relationships have always loved me for who I am not what I looked like so to be with someone like my husband who cared extremely about looks is hard. You do start to fall out of love with them because of it. Having babies changes our bodies so much and we are the only ones who know what it feels like to be insecure and unsure of ourselves after having babies, it’s sucks and it’s even worse when our partners are out looking at girls we could never look like. I guess the only thing that can be done in a situation like this is to say screw him and start focusing on you and what goals you want to reach. Re-learn who you are, find out what you love, and what makes you happy. You can stay with him or go but either way, just do you! Do your own thing and start making yourself happy.
It sounds like it is a true addiction. He needs to go to counseling if he wants to break the cycle of addiction. It is difficult because the brain reacts to the porn as if it were drugs. Setting all the receptors that make you feel good on overdrive. It will take just as much hard work for him as it will for an alcoholic or drug addict. But the good news is it CAN be done with the help of a good addiction therapist AND his desire to change
Everyone who is invalidating her feelings needs to just stop commenting.
For YOU, it might not be cheating, but for HER, it is. They established that in THEIR relationship. She is hurt by it and she’s asking for advice from people who have probably been in the same situation to get comfort and advice. Telling her it isn’t cheating isn’t going to change how she views it.
Porn, substances, video games, literally anything can become a problem if you’re putting your spouse on the back burner.
Porn IS cheating to some people and that’s okay, we all don’t have to agree but there’s no right or wrong to life. Everyone has a right to feel the way that they do. All the people saying it isn’t cheating aren’t wrong. You’re right for YOURSELF because that’s how you feel, but she’s allowed to feel the way she does as well.
Now, falling out of love is something I feel like once you’re there, you just need to go.
Unless you’re willing to stay for the children and actually address that you don’t see him in the same light and don’t want a relationship. If you can coparent in the same household and both live your life, do that, but if you cannot, your only option is to leave. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful and validated.
It’s okay for him to watch porn, but what isn’t okay is that y’all agreed that is cheating in the relationship and he has still done it and I think people are missing that. It’s very disrespectful to go against what you both agreed on. He can watch porn but that comes with a cost of not having you around anymore or having that relationship.
It’s not a bad thing to want different things. Life still goes on and at the end of the day, you have to be happy too and do what’s best for you!
Also, I agree. If you can get the same sexual gratification (and want to) by watching someone else, I don’t want you. That’s just me though
Everyone not agreeing is not wrong, we just all have our own opinions, feelings, and boundaries and that’s 100% okay!! She deserves the respect from her spouse that they agreed on though.
Watching porn is not wrong. However, since you told him how you feel, it’s definitely inconsiderate. If you guy’s have sex on the regular, and you include things you are both into, he shouldn’t need to watch porn. However, if the sex is lacking it’s unfair of you to ask him to stop since that’s the only sexual outline he has and most men have a higher sex drive. Some people are just different and no matter what you do, you can’t make it work if it’s not a right fit. There are people out there that could be better for both of you.
Men are visual creatures. Men are going to “look”, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive.
This feels like a self esteem issue with you, and focus on the word “self”. You can’t rely on others for your self esteem. I’m NOT trying to be mean at all and your feelings are valid! If it hurts it hurts. He gave you compliments on your suit. Did you ever think he was looking for there suits for you? What he would think would be awesome? No. You went to the thought of he likes them better. That’s not healthy. I don’t know about your past trauma, but I think some self love is in order!! Treat yourself! Pamper yourself! Find what makes YOU feel amazing because once you start getting your confidence back, you glow differently! I promise!
He could be more discreet about his porn watching. It’s rare for a man not to look at pictures or videos, in my experience. He obviously loves you if he has tried to change himself to accommodate you. That’s not fair. He can be discreet but if you are snooping you are looking for something to feel bad about. Go out with some female friends, let your hair down, relax, start feeling yourself again! After having kids we all feel horrible about how we look but you are the beautiful mother of his beloved children and that trumps some airbrushed model online. Focus on the good or you are headed for divorce and feeling jaded and the next man will be out through the same thing. You are putting up walls and having unrealistic expectations on your partner. If you aren’t IN love with him, then YOU need to file for divorce so you aren’t dragging both of you through unneeded drama and stress
It’s rare to find a man that doesn’t watch porn at all. I suggest you start with therapy for yourself. Might help.
1 Like
Personally I think you can either have that “two can play that game” mentality or just separate for a while. A man will change for a woman he truly loves and cares about how she’s feeling. That’s just my opinion.
Don’t do shit for him do it for you… Cause in the end if you do stuff for others they will let you down dress up for you put make up on for you dress risky for you step outta comfort zone for you don’t do it for anyone else and you will see a change and if he doesn’t like it then hmmm oh well do things for you not them
Honey this isnt about you. This like any addiction is sonetying broken within HIM. Its not cause you had a baby and look different in a suit. Id start with therapy for yourself. Then id join a support group like alonon but for pirn addicts suppirt people
Unfortunately this is an addiction…my sister ex was the same way and they tried counseling and finally she went on her own…my sister has the perfect body and was a model I’m her 20s she tried for a long time to go along with the fantasies to get him to stop watching porn …but soon figured out it wasn’t about her it is an Addiction and unless your husband can admit to it and get help regardless of how you look hes going to watch it…
So you have choices and they not easy any of them but basically you have to decide if you can live with it without driving you crazy and destroy your confidence…or get him to admit his addiction and get help…my sister did all of those things …they finally divorced
You two just aren’t compatible… and he probably has an issue…unfortunately you had children and married.
You saw and continue to see the red flags for your comfort zone and stay in it.
Be accountable for yourself.
he’s wrong to lie and even worse what you said about getting off to the pictures on the reviews, that’s. . . . alarming I’d be concerned for the safety of my children at that point because, that’s not even porn, on top of how disrespectful that is too you, that’s just inching towards depravity and then not even trying to hide it.
point number two. you can’t force someone to change. they can make promises left and right but they’ll always break them unless they decide for themselves, not because of outside force, that they want to change or because they don’t want to hurt you. point three. he’s not respecting you. some of those instances are plain wrong, like after you gave birth? he’s more concerned about getting off than being supportive? can’t even be bothered to do that when you won’t notice? he needs serious help.
Y’all saying she needs to fix herself is plain wrong. People have insecurities, nobody is perfect so stop acting like y’all are. I told my boyfriend no porn because it made me uncomfortable. Guess what? I’m not insecure about my body, I am insecure about a lot of other stuff though. He should’ve made a decision in the beginning when you told him no porn - to stay or not to stay. Your significant other is suppose to love you and cherish you, not degrade you and look at other women for his pleasures. Your the only one who is suppose to be getting him off and making him feel good, not some woman on the internet from across the country. I would either have a sit down and tell him directly how you feel(no holding back) or tell him if he continues you will be leaving. You deserve somebody that would go to the end of the world to make you happy and love you.
My husband had a porn addiction when we first started dating it is a terrible feeling and hard to get over, we had a very active sex life and he would wake up the next day and Jack off to a specific type of porn it made me feel like I wasn’t enough it got to the point he even wanted to jack off rather then have sex. So I pulled the best card I could my exact words were “every once in awhile when I am not in the mood I do not care if you watch it but let’s make one thing clear I am a very sexually active 25 year old female I need full attention sexually and affectionatly and if you cannot be satisfied with just having me without porn then I will go somewhere else and get it with a man that is satisfied is because you are not making me feel loved or like I’m enough at this point and I do not deserve that.” He said he realized he had a problem and he would try to do better it took awhile but we have now been together for 3 years and he watches porn maybe once a month when I’m on my time of the month. If he is a real man he will understand and do better because if he doesn’t give you physical attention and fix his problem he doesn’t love you enough for you. It is ok to be selfish sexually and sometimes just in general.
All men look its normal I use to say your going to look IM GOING TO GET LOOKED AT AND I DRESSED A LITTLE SEXY NOT SLUTY ENOUGH THAT MEN DID A DOUBLE TAKE I ALWAYS MADE SURE I LOOKED BETTER THEN AVERAGE I WOULD TOUCH UP MY MAKEUP AND HAIR BEFORE WALKING OUT HE WOULD SAY WHERE ARE U GOING I WOULD SAY I ALREADY TOLD U TRY LISTENING HE WOULD SAY LIKE THAT YES IF U ARE GOING TO LOOK IM GOING TO GET LOOKED AT HE WOULD SAY U CAN LOOK LMFAO NO THANKS I LIKE BEING LOOKED AT LOOKING DOES NOTHING FOR ME U KNOW HOW IT GOES GOT TO STAY ON MY GAME I WOULD HATE TO QUIT GETTING LOOKED AT AND IF HE SAY U HAVE A HUSBAND THATS RIGHT AND THAT DOESNT STOP HIM FROM LOOKING SEE U LATER …THE PLAYER ALWAYS HATES THE GAME HE PLAYS BEING PLAYED BACK ON HIM!!!
Everyone saying it’s okay and you watch it and all this 
bottom line. You two made an agreement TOGETHER. He chooses to actively break that agreement over and over again regardless how much you tell him it hurts. Doesn’t matter what the agreement was over. Marriage is a team and you can’t be a team if both are not on board. Period. I would tell him you want to leave honestly. And don’t just say because of porn, tell him it’s because of how he makes you FEEL. When you love someone you want to take care of them so that what you have can last forever. If he wants to keep his family together, wants to have that long lasting relationship then he will do what it takes. People can say all they want about that, but my husband and I have been married since 19 years old and have been through hell and back to make it work in the first years. If it’s worth it to the both of you, you can do it. If it’s too toxic, then there is no shame in moving away from that relationship.
Let him know that he is not aloud to watch pornography unless he is going to use it on his personal sexual relationship with you. If he can’t obey your rules let him know that he needs to seek professional help for his addictions/actions. Some people watch it for enhancing the love life with their partner but it could lead to illegally child pornography and that behavior is not acceptable by any means. He can also go to counseling for his sake! You deserve to be happy, feel good about yourself when you are undressed with your husband/partner, have confidence in yourself, be strong to carry on the relationship between you two. The feelings you once had for him will never be the same cause he has hurt you physically, mentally and emotionally. There will be no fix to the problem until he admits he has a problem and seeks professional help! I wish you the best of luck!
I personally feel as though for the most part your confidence in yourself shouldn’t be coming from external sources.
As with any addiction it’s difficult to deal with and 100% upto him to choose to stop doing that OT not.
If you can’t get past it are you willing to let him go.
Not counseling…he probably get off on the counselor …ya kno role play shit. .that’s weird. Getting off on reviews of ppls bathing suits…its like get a grip dude …more to life then a nut
When I caught my boyfriend watching porn after we had talked about it, I changed my wallpaper on my phone to a naked hot guy that would make him feel uncomfortable 
he got the point. But as far as how you feel, you are in control of your own feelings. You are putting to much responsibility on him when it’s truly something that is up to you. I always remind myself that no matter who he sees in one of those videos, he’ll never get to witness it in person .
Some things to maybe help wean him away from it is: makes some videos together, try new things, role play, buy y’all some matching silk jammies, get a hotel room, start complimenting him more, try loving on him more, and if those don’t work, start a plan to walk away so you can find someone who appreciates you and your attempts.
I’m marrying my best friend of 12 years in 3 weeks. We have 1 daughter. Sucks to say but after you have kids things change, sometimes you have to make the decision to keep loving and keep trying even when it feels hopeless because that’s what love needs. It’s for the good,bad and ugly. Til death do us part. Before throwing away 6 years make sure it’s truly something you need to do and that it’s not something you are lusting after. Cause you may lose him forever at that point. Good luck!
Me and my husband have been together for 6 years got married this April and we have 3 kids and my husband and I are also on a agreement about the porn he knows the way I feel about it and I have caught him a total of 3 times of looking stuff up and the last time was right after my 2nd child was born and I threatened to leave him and I even left with the kids for a couple days to show him I’m not playing its me and the kids or the porn so maybe u just need to show him how serious you are cause my husband have not watched it since then
A porn addiction doesn’t usually consist of “whacking it” growing up my father had a pornography addiction and he would sit and watch it for hours like tv in broad daylight. As an adult I am in trauma therapy ( for many things) but I’m also a pornography fan and not in any way addicted to it like my father was, some people use it to knock one off and I’d say in this circumstance your husband is having an issue and maybe him wanking to bikini ads is his way of avoiding legitimate pornographic content in attempt to be less disgusting to you. Shaming your partner for their sexual desires is a relationship ender, decide if you want to stay or not.
I am soo sorry ! Ive dealt with something similar and i understand how u feel.
Aside from his issues… It seems like there’s alot of insecurities that are dwelling within ( which needs to be addressed) immediately or you will never be able to even make a decision to move forward.
I had three children with my first husband and after 5 years I left him because of it this is a strong boundary and if you made it clear from the beginning this is a deal-breaker for a marriage your children are going to be raised with the same struggle for addiction to pornography and not to mention what it does to the disrespect to you as his wife I would be out of there
I am not going to argue whether porn is right or wrong. Nor whether you or right or he is.
I think there are deeper issues and porn has become the focus for the both of you.
You say several times how you “talked” and “agreed” but things continued or got worse even after talking again. You said how YOU told him how it made YOU feel. How YOU are not in love anymore. How YOU feel about the porn. How YOU feel about your esteem and image. And how it is all on HIM to CHANGE.
It appears like there make be some attempt at communication but that it may not be healthy, effective communication. That when you think you are having a conversation it may be not including active listening, allowing both parties to express their thoughts, needs, feelings and actually listening and processing what is said and not just trying to prepare a response in your head.
It is also important to not just communicate but to make sure the both of you comprehend what the other is wanting/needing/saying. So much anger and heartache can be avoided by simply asking the words “what do you think I said?” Or “Can you tell me what your heard so I know we are on the same page?”
Perhaps porn makes him feels good or calm. The more he feels stressed the more he watches. You dislike porn and the more he watches, the more stress you feel, the less confident you feel because you see it as a competition with the “unknown perfect woman”. You react toward yourself and him, he reacts by feeling stressed and watching more porn. An unproductive, unhealthy cycle is being reinforced over an over by placing the blame on the wrong things most likely.
However, you need to do what feels right for you in your head and heart. Strangers on the internet cannot make that decision for you nor should they even be advising you. They do not know your finances, your ability to find or maintain housing, you and your families’ physical and mental health issues (other than what you have discribed). The fact that you asked a bunch of strangers if you should stay or leave says a lot about your communication style and skills.
Have you watched the movie fireproof? This reminds me of that movie. I would divorce. He’s not changing.
Okay. First mistake. Labeling porn as cheating. People have fantasy’s. Some they never intend to act upon. That’s just human nature. Now if it were negatively impacting your sex life to an extreme extent then I’d say it’s possible it’s an addiction. However. From the sound of it, it seems more as if this is a self esteem issue for you more so than an addiction on his part. And also. There should be enough trust in your marriage that you aren’t going through his phone to see what he is looking at. I also HIGHLY doubt that he is blatantly watching porn in front of you in the way you describe.
My recommendation. Seek counseling for your self esteem issues. Work on yourself first. If you’ve worked past your own internalized issues and still TRULY believe that he has a problem, THEN seek counseling. Couples counseling. And if he does ACTUALLY have an addiction, then I would also recommend individual counseling for him for that.
From the sound of this it seems more like you have an issue with yourself. If he’s a “great man” and a “great father” then I have a hard time believing that there isn’t more than what has been offered. This is why I recommend counseling.
There is always two sides to every situation. We’ve only been given yours.
My response is based off my associates degree in applied psychology. And my current time working with a psychologist office while working towards a focused degree in clinical psychology.
I am by no means claiming to be a professional.
2 Likes