Is it a woman’s job to cook and clean all day while their man is at work? My mother-in-law is constantly telling my husband that I am not “wife material” because I put caring for my kids and playing with them over doing the dishes or vacuuming. She thinks he should come home and not have to lift a finger, and everything should fall on my shoulders. He refuses to say anything to her because she is in her 60s and set in her ways, but it really bothers me. So is she right? I should make sure everything is done while my husband works? I am just tired of feeling like I am not good enough for this woman.
If you stay at home and don’t work. Yes. You should be doing all of the house work. It doesn’t take long if you keep up with it everyday. If it’s kept up with you could clean every other day besides the basics . Maybe 2-3 hours of your day. Kids take naps ( depending how young) or they can occupy themselves.
It’s not old school to think that way. If he works and you stay home that’s your job.
If you work then it should be split.
My husbands family is this way. I was raised in a house full of women who did not need a man to do anything for them at all - with that same mentality, I was taught that the way I’m capable of doing everything a man could/should do they are capable of doing everything we can. My husband isn’t a great chef but he has learned to cook. He is super messy, but he can deep clean our home. I was not working for 13 months due to the pandemic (7 of which I was pregnant and the other 6 I was recovering from having a baby amongst emotional and physical trauma caused by in-laws) and I made it a point that beside myself I would only clean up for the infant I birthed because im not gonna help no one, if they not helping me. 
Don’t like it? Don’t come to my house. If how my household is run upsets you stay away or come over and wash some dishes or do some laundry. Do not complain about it cause it falls on deaf ears.
I’m not gonna go to work for 9 hours, do most if the taking care of a baby and cook and clean up after others like a slave.
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No, it is not.
You do have more time (apparently, although I understand that this is not the case in practice).
It is possible to dedicate time to cleaning (like 1 hour a day) by planning it in (TW: and sacrificing screen time).
Wrt the rest pf your question, there is a lot to unpack here BUT you can start by disengaging with this woman. Let her have her opinions, they are separate from you.
(Whenever she shares her opinion of you, state “others opinions of me are none of my business”)
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Yes it is if you are a stay home mum, you are very lucky you get to see your kids grow up whilst your husband is out working everyday. Kids don’t need to be looked after every single minute, I’m sure they take naps, plays, etc. Washing dishes, vacuuming tidying up does not take too long to do, if you are questioning who’s job is it to cook n clean when you are a stay home mum, then your MIL is right you’re not a wife material truth hurts don’t get offended she probably feels sorry for her son that he has to do all that after coming home from working all day, especially if he has a physical job,wouldn’t you wanna come home to a tidy house, cooked dinner etc. Surely he helps out when he is not working. Looking after children is never an excuse not to have time to do house chores never… The reason he won’t say anything to his mum is because deep inside he probably aggrees with her.
I just came here to point out that housework is a morally neutral task. There is no morality prodigy involved in do doing dishes and cleaning your house. The purpose of doing dishes is to have clean dishes. The purpose of cleaning your house is just not to trip over things in your house. If you have clean dishes to eat off of and and a relatively clean house there is nothing wrong with prioritizing your children.
I would politely let her know that this is not her marriage and that you and your husband are happy. If she continues I would distance from contact with her. I would also let your husband know that if he is he is convinced not to stand up to her because she’s “set in her ways” she can be set in her ways with no contact with you.
Im a SAHM and in my honest opinion, staying at home with your children is a blessing (especially these days). There are a lot of messed up people out there and it gives me so much peace every day knowing that my babies are home learning new skills with me instead of a stranger. It wouldn’t be possible without my husband and how hard he works, so I feel it’s only right that I return the favor by giving him a clean house and a cooked meal. We work as a team. The only thing I ask of him is he picks up after himself- which is the same thing I ask of anyone who is old enough to do so, and I teach my kids early. Expectations kill relationships… I don’t expect anything from my husband and because of that, I’m surprised all the time with breakfast in the morning or cleaning tasks being done for me. Relationships are about both giving and taking. It is absolutely possible to clean and be a good mother and it is all about having a consistent routine and adjusting clean times to meet your kid’s needs. Most of my cleaning is done while my kids are eating and sleeping. Every now and again I have a “lazy day” for my mental health, but I go into it knowing that I will have more work to do the following day. If you maintain the house regularly it really isn’t that bad… So in short - yes, you should be keeping up on the house and meals simply because you are blessed to stay home with your children and raise them yourself. It probably wasn’t your mother in-law’s place to say something but maybe she has a good point? Sometimes we need to pause and reflect on the person we are being before looking at others… none of us are perfect and there is always room to improve!
No, your job is not a house cleaner. Your job is a stay at home mom. You should put your effort into your children (& your self). Obviously pick you after yourself as normal but a stay at home mom does not mean you are a house keeper/cleaner IMO.
Girl. I have struggled with this rlyseof many many many times . If your man is bringing in the big bucks and stressing at work, than of course you staying home makes you need to cook and clean. I don’t think you need to cook everyday considering you have young kids to worry about. But you can definitely make little easy dinners for the kids and you and hubby get a good dinner. I hate a dirty house, so even when my husband was home with my daughter, I’d come home and be super disappointed that he expected ME to cook and clean even while I was at work. Many people believe it’s a woman’s job. Fuck them. Life should be 50 50z but at the same time you shouldn’t take advantage of a good many who works hard for his family.