Is my marriage over?

I’ve been with my husband 10 years married for 4. We had a great relationship at the beginning. When we had our children everything’s changed. He has 3 older children from his previous wife and it’s been a living hell ever since we had children together. He doesn’t help with the kids never has then gets mad when they always want/ask me for help. He works and I’ve always stayed home. My children also do online schooling and I’m also in college doing online so things have been rough. We haven’t been intimate in over a month (I just don’t care to) then he gets mad when I don’t want to because I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Well over the weekend after the children went to bed he tells me that this is bs and if he cheats it’s my fault because I don’t want to give it up. I’m at a loss for words and feel like I’m marriage is at it’s end because we’re supposed to be a team and I feel like it’s always been me.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is my marriage over?

Sounds like he needs to work out his own issues. He already said something is your fault before it even happens? He’s trash :wastebasket:

In most cases when you have to ask that question yiu know the answer. No matter what we say the truth is the only person that knows that answer is you.

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That sounds :raised_hand:t2:toxic​:raised_hand:t2: I would divorce tbh. He changed and hasn’t realized and seems he doesn’t want to. Any man who threatens cheating isn’t a MAN

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That’s messed up. How would he feel if the situation were reversed and you cheated? That is not how marriage works! A month is not even that long. :confused: a year maybe. Talk to him and lay it out. Most men’s don’t understand the equation more help with house and kids= more lovins.

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I say leave for ur own sanity. He only cares for himself

Marriage is all about working through the tough times, not looking elsewhere when things get hard. If he decides to cheat on you, then that’s on him and he’ll have to deal with the repercussions of his actions. It just goes to show you that he doesn’t love or respect you.

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If someone isn’t being a partner or a parent that’s not a marriage, it’s a contract. You’re not obligated to stay with anyone who makes you feel alone while you’re with them. You can be whole all by yourself. If he’s threatening to cheat on you that clearly shows he doesn’t love, honor or respect you.

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Sounds like he is seeing someone else already.

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I mean it already sounds like your a single mother… when you have a married partner ,I thought that shit was like wonder pets . #teamwork

He sounds like a little cry baby, than a Man!! Good luck :heart:

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If he really loved you… that shit wouldn’t come out of his mouth. You deserve better.

I wouldn’t give him the chance to cheat. He said he intended to… get a divorce. A person doesn’t get to blame someone else for their own indiscretion.

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Tell him to help with the kids n house then maybe you won’t be so exhausted that you’ll want nooky

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Y’all need marriage counseling if you’re even going to try to stay together.

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I would have looked him dead in the face as serious as a heart attack with the BIGGEST sh*t eating grin and say…“I dare ya.” Then after that I would have got up…put on the sexiest outfit I had, did my hair and make up and left. Who cares what time it would have been? And when he asked where you were going…should have just looked at him and said…“Well I’m a little exhausted from being the ONLY parent 24/7…I think I’m going to go out, but if I cheat…it’s your fault.” Then I would have walked right out the door…

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Sounds toxic. My ex didn’t help with shit. And then was pissy if I asked. And then was pissy when all I wanted to do was to to bed once the kiddo was in bed.
My boyfriend gets home and jumps in to help with whatever needs helping. He got off work yesterday, did some shopping, picked up my daughter (he treats her like his own, it’s just a reference point that he was picking her from her dad’s). He made dinner for himself and the kiddo because I wasn’t hungry. We’re a team, even though we don’t have any living children together.

He sounds very toxic. Doesn’t want to help or anything and then is blaming you if he cheats. I would leave him. If he wants to work on things and go to counseling you can try but I wouldn’t stick around.

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I was once In this position. Try looking at things from his shoes. Although I understand your exhausted. U have to understand he is as well. Men also have a tendency of not talking about their feelings. He could be feeling unwanted, Unloved, or like a failure. He may feel like you gave up on him. Or that u don’t want him anymore. Once a man has that in their head they do go looking for the attention from someone else. He wants to feel wanted and loved just like u do.

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If he cheats its your fault. No, the rest is workable but that shits toxic and manipulative.

Love sounds like you’re already doing it alone. You may as well separate yourself from such a heavy weight on your being. You will feel so much better once you’re free of that.

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One thing I’ve learned through marriage counseling is every marriage needs the love and affection yeah you can have the love but if you don’t have the affection and show it the marriage will fall apart.

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He sounds toxic but on the sex part I agree with him. We ad humans have needs cheating is never ok but sex is apart of marriage. So is him helping with the kids have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe after a good sex session lol

Why do men think woman HAVE to have sex ? A good and faithful husband wouldn’t do that he’d try to figure out how he can make you feel at least a little bit better I understand wanting to be intimate with the person you love but when stuff like that is said then it starts to feel like they just want sex and they don’t care who it’s from which is sick . Gross … I wouldn’t say your marriage is over but a serious talk needs to be had and you need help everyone needs a little help once in awhile . He don’t realize by saying that it’s not gonna make you want to “give it up” it’s gonna make you not even want him touching you at all :woman_facepalming:t2: some men I swear , like zero common sense in their heads . I hope it gets better for you .

He has physical needs that need to be met too. Remember that. With that being said you have mental needs that need to be met as well so he needs to step his game up in the household but from what you’re saying i’m thinking this is a two way street. Maybe try marriage counseling.

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You’re in a relationship with a narcissist, run girl. Cause he will always find a way to blame you but never take any accountability for himself. The fact he won’t help raise his own kids, and then complains that they want nothing to do with him. Shows that he’ll never take any type of accountability. Xoxo

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Counseling together and individually. He probably hasn’t dealt with the baggage from the first marriage. He obviously doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to help in Raising either set of children or help with daily chores out of some misguided notion of antiquated gender roles. It takes two to make things work. Once you’ve given it your BEST GENUINE shot adjust as needed. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS :raised_hands:

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Simple really he helped create the children he needs to help then you won’t be as tired and if he cheats it’s on him because he chose to it takes team work

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You’re both childish

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Me and my husband have been married for almost 5 years and are having our 2nd baby, due in Jan. I’m in college online full time, take care of our toddler, and basically do everything around the house and I understand being stressed. He works full time and it seems like sometimes he doesn’t help all the time but he tries, and let’s me relax often before he goes to work. Since I got pregnant again were only intimate maybe 1 time a month and it doesn’t seem like it bothers him… but if he told me what your husband said to you I would literally punch him in the face and tell him we’re getting a divorce. If he’s saying those things to you, he doesn’t have much respect for you or your marriage anymore in my opinion. I’m sorry, but I would honestly try to separate and see if helps your situation at all and if you want to do counseling go for it, but at this point I don’t think it’s worth it… I hope you find a resolution :heart:

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If he cheats he has no one to blame but his weak ass self. He wants his needs met but he’s not meeting any of yours. He needs to step in your shoes and vice versa

He sounds like a child. Petty AF. Instead of threatening you, why doesn’t he toughen up and help you take some of the load of your shoulders so that when the opportunity comes, you’re not that tired and can essentially “give it up”. Not to mention how he’s not supposed to “help”. It’s his home too, it’s his marriage too, it’s his kids too. It’s not called helping, it’s called being a homeowner, being a team, and raising your family.

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I would leave him. I hate to tell you but hes probably already cheated

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Is this how his first marriage ended do you think.

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It’s kind of hard to be in the mood if he’s always awful n on your nerves.
He sound childish shallow and a bit controlling. Let him cheat. Then take to court sue for $ n divorce and go find the man worth your time.
Your children will grow understanding how to defend themselves and tolerate demeaning relationships.
That man needs help and your job isn’t to be his therapist he has to do that

We need to think about what’s being said here lady’s we are talking about men, they are hot headed, and so much more i pray that you marriage and family can with stand this little humb, i know your tired but try to have a date night get a baby sitter please just try there are to many marriages that are throwed away and the children suffer, I’m not saying to stay for them but put in alittle more effort and see if it will get better, talk to someone don’t throw the towel in yet. I’m praying for you and your family.

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Wow y’all are always quick to say LEAVE the man he sounds like a child um no you’re looking at the situation through your eyes and it seems you havent even thought about his mental health men GO THROUGH SHIT TOO! you haven’t had sex with your man in a month and are upset cuz he is upset he has needs too I cant go a week without my honey being all over me I have 2 children and one is disabled my smallest and require all my attention every second he is awake no matter how tired I am I make time for my husband he is human ma’am I stay home and my chores never end I’m running on fumes but that’s not an excuse to forget his needs

Id say don’t be surprised when you’re single after either.

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Yeah, weaponized incompetence is a form of power and control. So is threatening to cheat on you if you don’t have sex. That is sexual coercion. Anything below enthusiastic consent is concerning and abusive.

He needs to work on his power and control behavior through a domestic violence program like “New Choices”.

You should talk to a counselor that specializes in domestic violence and create a safety or harm reduction plan for yourself. They may have additional resources, programs, and group therapy you could find helpful.

My first ex-husband and I were together for 18 years, married for 10. Sometimes a separation reminds us of what we have. I’m not saying separation is what should happen but I do know that if he cheats it’s on him and not you. He has 2 hands (I’m assuming) for multiple reasons, helping you tend to your (and his) children is a reason; plus a HUGE turn on. He works full time, you’re a full time SAHM children and household chores are a team effort. He wants more “time” with you then he needs to be more productive around the house and with the children.

I have a challenge for you (just yourself). I don’t know where you’re at or what your religion is, but for the next 30 days be more intentional about things. I listen to Intentional Living and it helps me a lot.

If he gets mad when they ask YOU… Maybe he’s jealous your giving everyone attention BUT him. Why? I think he’s the one who’s thinking it’s over because you are so engrossed in everything except him. Sounds like counseling is what you need. If your hormones are low, take something to boost it.

It doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over marriages go through rough patches I’ve been with my man 10 years married 7 So I get it. But I have always been able to sit down and talk to my husband and we work out our issues because we don’t want to give up on our marriage. we love each other to death and hes my best friend and im his even though we can drive eachother crazy sometimes. he needs to listen to you and understand why you are so tired and you also have to understand that he does have physical needs. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him about why you just aren’t in the mood. But him saying that if he goes out and cheats on you it’s your fault is wrong and ridiculous Because he plays a big part in why you don’t want to be intimate. If you guys are having issues communicating then I would definitely try counseling. Maybe having a 3rd person there To listen will help you guys get back on track.

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You need to work as a team you need a mediator to help with help to show you both how to work together it has to go both ways or neither of your needs will be met and your relationship will become toxic. Seek outside help now.

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Maybe you should have sex with him?? I’m sorry but sex is a big part of a healthy relationship. Right now all your focus and energy is in the children. He deserves some intimate time with you and you’re refusing to give it to him. He works all day and you spend your day with the kids and in school. You know what would ease some tension?? You spreading your legs. :woman_shrugging:t4:

The fact he said that shows his Tru colors. If you don’t want to, don’t. Men need to learn women ain’t just here for their own personal pleasure whenever they want it. If he wants to cheat cause he can’t go without then let him do it. No point in trying to save a marriage with a man that cant take care of his kids or make you feel secure and cry’s about sex. It’s ridiculous how much people put up with these days :frowning_face_with_open_mouth:

Ummmm. No matter what. If he cheats it’s his fault. What a horrible thing to say. Throw a bottle of lotion at his head!!!

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It sounds like you need some counseling, individually and as a couple. He needs to do his part in the relationship, and so do you. It is understandable that you would not want to be intimate if you are exhausted from carrying the entire load at home, and he needs to realize that and help out more. At the same time, he has needs too, and if he does start to contribute more, you should be willing to give it up more often for him, even if you don’t necessarily feel like it all the time. Marriage should be a partnership, and it sounds like you both need to make some changes in order for the relationship to turn around.

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There’s probably a good reason his first wife divorced him!

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He’s an asshole, help him pack

If you find yourself asking “Is my marriage over?”, it’s pretty much over. Now, I believe it can be saved. But only if he can step up.

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I’ve been here and it is going to go exactly how he said it you didn’t do it someone eles will from there if you don’t its someone eles

Get some couple counseling and maybe try an antidepressant cuz you could have low sex drive cuz you are a tad bit depressed I know when I’m depressed I don’t have sex at all with my husband and my doc put me on fluoxitine and my anxiety and depression went away and my sex drive came back o know it’s not always the same for everyone cuz some antidepressants can make you lose your sex drive and I have had some do that to me. Still what he said about him cheating was over the line I think he was just trying to hurt you cuz you wouldn’t have sex with him I don’t know him but I don’t think he would go thru with it think he is just all talk. But you guys definitely need to do some counseling and start working better together easier said than done but someone has to be the bigger person.

You two sound like you need to work on your communication skills towards each other. You both are frustrated, tired, and rightfully so. Seek couples counseling. If you still deep down love each other, learn each other’s love language—his sounds like physical touch, yours is helpful deeds. Learn to talk calmly towards each other, no snapping or sarcasm.
You deserve help and he deserves his needs too, but DEFINITELY without the threat of cheating. That has got to change, it’s very disrespectful and you certainly don’t deserve to hear or go through that. Best of luck to you both. :blue_heart:

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So how about renegotiate your duties. You start working and send the kids to school. Then there is a two person income and your can go to school in your spare time. Work together after work/school hours and help one another.

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Whew! Hot grits babe hot grits :joy: no fr just go ahead and do what you’re doing. If he cheats, that’s on him and you should leave.

It has a will continue to be.
He’s “letting you know”:woman_shrugging:t4:
I mean, either work hard on it or let it go

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It’s definitely over since that’s how he feels.

Being a team also means having that physical bond

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If my husband ever said that to me Id look at him and say “I’m sorry did you just ask me to remove your penis for you?.. Can you repeat that?”

I mean it’s definitely messed up to say it out loud, but it sounds like neither one of you are willing to put in the effort together. Basically, in order to make a marriage last, you need to put your husband first and he needs to put you first. That way you both always come first. This might be an unpopular opinion, but if you want your marriage to work, you need to sleep with your husband. Withholding sex is just as bad as him not helping at home.

You both need to work on these things together. It can’t be all about his needs just as it can’t be all about your needs. If he is the only one working and providing everything for your family then it sounds to me he is probably as exhausted as you are maybe more depending on the line of work he is in. You choose to stay home and not work so you’re choosing to take on the roll of the kids and house stuff. It’s basically your job and he has his job. So you’re both tired and stressed. Intimacy in a relationship is just as important as communication and honesty. He is expressing however wrong his aggravation and his need. Sex doesn’t have to be a chore. It can be relaxing and actually help with the feelings of exhaustion and stress you’re both feeling. It doesn’t have to be a wild wide. It can be slow calm and cleansing. You both need to work on the communication and the issues you each have if you don’t want the marriage to end

It sounds like both of you are lazy af and are not working on y’all’s relationship. You want him to care about you, but he sounds like he wants you to care about him to… If he is letting you know his feelings then it is both of your faults if he cheats… he has already shared how he feels… have you?

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Sounds like you should be the one to initiate the divorce process… then, he won’t need to tell you that he’s going to cheat… he can just go swing his dick wherever he wants to, without guilting you into sex. :woman_shrugging:t4::slightly_smiling_face:

If you have to ask then you already know the answer. Maybe this is why he was already divorced once :roll_eyes: sounds like a real winner.

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Sounds like he’s feeling a bit lonely. Sounds like all your energy and time are everywhere else and you have none left for him. Either by choice or not. Marriages take work from both sides. He works away from home, you at home. Then when he’s home you are still going with kids and school. Make time for him. Date nights. An hour after kids go to bed with just him. Show him he matters and he will return the favor. If he has never helped with the kids that won’t change abd its ur fault for allowing it all these years. Not speaking ur needs has allowed him to get away with it and feel ok with it. If you never spoke about it then he didn’t know there was a problem.

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I feel like if you don’t want to be intimate, your relationships is already over….before he even mentioned cheating

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Get a babysitter. This is fixable. Have sex every day for the next 30 days… see how things will improve on both sides.

No regardless if he cheats it’s on him, maybe try counseling or try expressing these issue with him and actually talk about them together

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Sounds like you guys have resentment towards each other that needs to worked out and compromised on. Im hoping for your sake his threat to cheat on you was made out of frustration and isnt for real, if you guys still love each other try counseling.

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Probably not a popular opinion but both feelings are valid, do I agree with what he said , hell no not at all, but physical connection is very important in relationships. I feel your pain but also his. Men need that physical connection and honestly so do we but if you just not feeling it with him maybe y’all need to sit down and talk about everything and lay it all out on the table?..

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Have you… maybe… talked to him about how you’re feeling?

Well now you know why he’s a divorcee. Now obviously that isn’t the case for everyone. I’d be willing to bet big money that he caused the end of his last marriage though. I’m sorry honey.

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If you’re not wanting to be intimate with your SO for a month and you’re around them daily then it’s pretty much already over. I definitely agree that he needs to help more with the kids especially since you’re in school, but I also don’t agree with withholding sex from your partner and just expecting them to go without. As somebody who has had a significant other withhold sex from them it’s one of the worst feelings there is. Once you let somebody get used to not helping do certain things like helping with the kids it’s definitely not going to be an overnight change to get them on board with doing it. If he’s not willing to help with the kids and you’re not willing to compromise in the bedroom then it’s time to go ahead and end it.

He treats you like a maid, doesn’t help raise his children, doesn’t make you feel loved or appreciated, then has the audacity to threaten to cheat if you don’t spread your legs when he wants you to? That’s not a good husband, far from it. He needs to make you feel better about yourself, about your marriage, about him. He’s in control here, he can change how you see him, how you feel about him. It’s all up to him. If he made you want to be intimate, then you would be. It’s your fault if he cheats? Nope. Sex isn’t mandatory. He sounds like a shit human being for real, you deserve to be treated better. It’s so easy to make a woman happy, to make her love you, to make her feel loved by you, and yet there’s just so many that are too selfish to see that amazing things they have and wanna act like that. He’s not entitled to your body. If it were, I’d leave him already. He doesn’t respect you. How do you even trust someone who says that to their own wife? I’m sorry, I’ve felt that pain before. Don’t stay with him just because you have children together. Children need to see their parents happy, sometimes that means seeing their parents apart.

Leave his now he’s not worth it.

He just wants a piece of meat

No one has a right to cheat no matter what.

He’s never helped with the kids and gets mad when they need help he’s not a true parent.

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Tell him if he helps out then you’ll put out!

However It is frustrating when the only person you can get sex from won’t give it up…

Wow there’s nothing like guilt sex.

What an :peach:hole, sorry I call it like i see it. Does he really thinks thats gonna improve matters ? Im sorry you’re going through this. Let him do him, when you are starting to work from home dont tell him set up your own bank account and build that nest egg so you can fly far far away.

“If I cheat” sounds a lot like “if I get caught” in this situation.

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You’ve allowed this for so long so it’ll be hard for him to change. He can if he’s willing to. He’s the way he is because you never demanded help from him in the past. So sit and talk to him about your expectations and what your lacking in your marriage. Then go from there.

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Sounds like a textbook narcissist. I’m so sorry :persevere: no advice, just compassion and sympathy for you Mama.

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People nowadays are so quick to call it quits on marriages… when you vow you vow through all the hardships not just throw in the towel when the honey moon phase is over … you keep pushing through it… find that spark again get yourself a baby sitter and set up a date … we cannot always expect our men to read our minds ! Y’all are a team act like one ! Don’t give up so easy specially if y’all still love eachother… what he said is rude but maybe he’s feeling lonely , stressed I understand you as well because I am a stay at home mom with 3 babies taking care of the household … we’ve only done it once in this entire month but I respect him because he works for 12 hrs a day in the sun … I know he’s exhausted too he comes home and he hardly wants to do anything … which makes me feel lonely at times too but we talk through it and we made time to just be among ourselves an hour before bedtime no phone , cuddle snuggle or make a late night snack … in a marriage it’s 50% 50% but if my husband is 20% I’m putting in the extra 80% . Sometimes when I tell him I’m a bit tired on his days off he makes time to spend with the kids and I which we do fishing , seaworld or i let him go out with his work buddies and he lets me go out to be with my friends away from the house away from the kids.

Sexual frustration. You need to do something to up your sexual drive again. Kids take it out of you. Try getting a makeover…even a home one works…i dyed my own hair and do my own nails…dress up just because …maybe look into herbal supplement…i have taken FemStim max…Also…sit down and talk to him about you both spending time together alone…without kids. Whether it be locking the door to bedroom at night and watching a movie or something together to a date night. Need to rekindle things. Once get back connected…start askong him if will help more then. Right now he is feeling frustrated bc being denied intimacy and saying anything hurtful he can. I bet…if you two can get back to cuddling and being more intimate at night…his tune will change.

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No it’s him. You have done nothing wrong.

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Put your marriage back on track. Be a Hero for the kids

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Leave this sick fuck

Leave him. I sure hope that marriage is over. You don’t deserve that shit.

All these people saying counseling like this man didn’t just tell you if you don’t open your legs he’s going to break his wedding vows and destroy your heart in the process like girllll :roll_eyes:
No

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Some men show affection through intimacy.
I have been in a very similar role as you, only difference is that I have a child from a previous relationship and we now have a child together.
With my frustration, I stopped being intimate and that frustrated him because he needs that intimacy.
It took a huge fight and basically splitting up before we both woke up and realized out faults.
Now that I am as intimate as what he needs me to be, he ensures he fulfills my needs the way he should too.

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Well dude, it’s on him if he cheats, but there enlies one problem that is a huge problem in a relationship. A sexless marriage, especially if your husband has a high sex drive. Over a month? I would be irritated and mean too. Trust me, I understand not wanting too because of his attitude and him not helping, so you probably don’t wanna “give it up” but it does help the relationship tremendously if you do have a healthy sex life. It’s easier to talk to eachother, you’re less annoyed, you’re happier, you feel more together as one unit instead of just annoyed and separated, etc. You should also have a conversation with him and spill the beans instead of holding it in. Find out if he still loves you, talk to each other as adults and not get all confrontational and upset, etc. I’m serious, its important to bang. You got this.

Absolutely none of it will be your fault him saying that is manipulation and down right disgusting.

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Sounds like his love language is touch. He def didnt go about it the right way. But if roles were reversed and the man didnt wanna hvae sex, everyone here would be saying hes cheating :woman_shrugging:t2: he shouldve came up respectfully and say he doesnt feel appreciated or loved or whatever.

Sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings. If he wants something tell him he needs to step up and work so you can have more energy to be with him. I so get this.

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You need to leave him! If he doesn’t understand your wants and needs and understands he made the kids too then he’s the one with the issue not you! There’s someone out there right now who’d love to come home and help you and your kids and not ADMIT he’d cheat on you.

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Only way a marriage can be successful is when both parties are willing to compromise, its doesnt sound like he is willing to do so.

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I think we know why it didn’t work out with the last baby momma

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He is sexually frustrated. You said you don’t care to have sex with him and that may be his only way to show intimacy. A relationship is a two way street and you have to meet in the middle. It sounds like you both have things to work on.

Put out twice a week. I have 6 kids at home and yes im exhausted but we still do it almost daily. Make time!

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Sounds like POS.
You decide your own fate now.
Saying you put out or I cheat.

It should be him saying hunny how can I help you get more in the mood, what can I do for you to help you out.
Boom your panties all ready hit the floor.

Now that he said that line is going to run in your head for ever. No going back after that one.

No wonder his first marriage didn’t work.

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His first wife was probably miserable too :laughing:

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