Is this as good as it gets?

Family of 8 here we have 6 kids and have been together for 21 years

We aren’t married but as good as
He works afternoon shifts and doesn’t get home until 11:30-12:00 only has one day off one week and 2 off the other
How I am feeling lately has always been the way
We never ever do anything or go anywhere everyday is ground hog day
He lays in the bedroom door shut aircon on and that’s where he will stay honestly
also what has been getting to me is the lack of financial help he gives etc
His money is his money
all separate I do not know his details or even keycard pin or online etc
He is always always putting me down for something wether it is my cooking,my cleanliness of the house or kids and also my driving or the way I keep my car etc
We barely sit down as a family and have meals together,his only day off tonight and he went off to the pub with the rest of our money we were to rely on for the rest of next week
I feel he keeps his money all to himself.I do not feel that he genuinely loves me at all
He also expects dinner ready for him for when he gets home from work if not he gets really mad.He suffers ptsd aswell so that makes everything ten fold harder we aren’t even 40 yet and still don’t own our own home
We have rented our whole lives,he keeps saying how much he wants to buy a property etc but then when it comes to it he backs out and gets cold feet he has insomnia and never sleeps which makes it hard for me to get tosleep too
He gets to always do as he pleases with his money but mine goes to every bill and food and kids needs etc
The only thing he does is mows the lawn and goes to work,I feel unloved and very bored and unimportant I feel he is very selfish and he does not make a single effort
He has said many many times in the past
“ you are as useless as titts on a bull “ and has also said how do you raise kids when you can’t even raise a dog’feels like we are going nowhere in life and that he is only pretending to be apart of the family etc
As he said that he would never leave the kids like some other dads do
I feel depressed as the emotional and financial abuse is real ! He always puts me down and always complains and whinges about absolutely anything even has called me a grub and constantly calls me useless,also at times I feel he is trying to reflect the way he is towards me to our kids and kind of wants them to join in and gang up on me
My kids are absolutely everything to me
My question : Is this as good as it gets ? What should I honestly do to change things for the better ? I feel like I am slowly loosing myself and grip on the family
What could o be doing better or what can I change etc to make for a better and happier life ? Thanks everyone.

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I’m sorry to say this, but if you are thinking this is good as it gets; I’d suggest you forget about what he is, or isn’t doing, and finally put yourself into the equation! What I mean is … you are valuable (as a person, mom, and friend). Look in a mirror (literally) and stare back at the person you see. I don’t mean the physical appearance … I’m talking about the person your soul sees!!!

From what you’ve posted, it’s obvious he has NO ROOM for you; and, quite frankly none for his children either. Just because his “body” is around the children at times, does not equate to him being a good father/role model for them. I believe more damage is done to a child when any parent is “physically” present; yet, NOT present verbally, mentally, and/or physically!!! You AND your children would be better off with him not living in the home.

It’s time for you to stop allowing this man to berate you into you believing that “you’re as useless as tits on a bull”! If a person hears something long enough, they begin to believe this to be true (NOT)! IMHO, he’s as “worthless as a neutered bull”!!!

If you are unable to gather the strength to find your self-worth on your own? Draw the strength from your children (trust me when I say I did this so many times when my babies were in their informative years)! They don’t have to know you are … just look at them, and know in your heart, that they DESERVE to feel confident, secure, and independent!

What’s the best way to teach them this? Them watching you fight for yourself! As we all have heard, “actions speak louder than words”, which rings true to this day! You actively pursuing avenues to strengthen your own confidence WILL make a huge difference in how they view themselves … and, what better way to accomplish this, than working on yourself!!!

SIDE NOTE: You indicated in your post that his money is his … so financially you changing the course of direction shouldn’t be a factor in making sound choices for you and the children!!!

Best of luck to you ~

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is this as good as it gets?

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Sounds like a narcissist sounds like my ex

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And you’re with him, because why ???

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Girl I left for a lot less.

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Leave and take him to court for child support- he can part with some of his money then, right? Sounds like you’re doing everything but his 8 hours at this point so why not do it alone?

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Is this for real? Why are you with him. God women on here need to know their worth

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Leave. If he wanted to do better, he’d do better. Why stay if he says those things to you or treats you that way? If he isn’t contributing financially at all, why keep him around?

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Umm leave… you do it alone now.

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He wouldn’t call me useless but once and then he would paying child support for all the kids.

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Walk away. Better yet kick him out because you and the kids don’t need to leave it’s easier to have him leave. You can still get him for CS.

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Leave, if you are feeling put down then it’s going to affect your mental health

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Girl, you can do bad all by yourself! Leave his ass and get him for child support. Move on, he is not going to change.

Leave him u can do better

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My heart just broke for you!!! Please find your worth and make him leave!!! You don’t need him you already do it all alone!

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You need to leave. You deserve so much better than that. You are doing it on your own now. Why not do it and be happy. Find yourself again. It’s hard but it is so worth it trust me

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My man and I been together a year he says it’s our money our cars our home our things and I know all his passwords etc always have

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Have you sat down with him and told him your thoughts, feelings, concerns? Start there first when kids are asleep approach him and do it on one of his days off so he don’t feel cornered. Then approach what your going to do next after that

Run! Leave! Set an example for your children. No one should tolerate abuse like that!

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The best thing you could do is LEAVE.

If you were my daughter I would suggest couples counseling. But from what you are saying I am sure he wouldn’t go. You need to write down the pros and cons of staying. If the cons outweigh the pros you have your answer. If you did leave, he would need to pay child support. It is better to raise your kids alone than have them think this is what a loving relationship looks like. Love, hugs, and prayers

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Your doing it alone now so leave. Remember you are setting an example of how your kids are going to treat their significant other.

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He is the problem not you! Please do not let him make you feel that way about yourself

Leave him, cant train an old dog new tricks. I just can’t believe you’ve gone that long with him not helping the family out financially, kids and home. You might as well be alone since you are doing it all alone. Leave him and take him for child support, that’s the least he can do for you after all these years. You’re better off alone.

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Throw him out, take him for child support, and never look back.

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Don’t put up with that. Leave and get child support.

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Could be worse hun, honestly leave it would be the best decision you’ll ever make for yourself! You don’t need him and your proving it by doing it all yourself! I was in the same situation for 10 years along with physical abuse and him living other lives with other woman! You’re better than this bullshit!!

Well if you pay all the bills then there should be no reason for you to stay. You can obviously do
It on your own.

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You answered all your own questions. Time to go.

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If your doing it on your own already then do away with him and continue to do it on your own!!! Buy that house and live life to the fullest!! He sounds like a twat anyways!! Let him go sit up at the pub and get shit faced!!! Xoxo

Oh honey he has wasted over 20 years of your life. The guys hasn’t married you, doesn’t help you and puts you down. Move on while you are still young enough to find true love.

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Stop doing anything for him. Put your money in an account only you can touch. Start billing him for half of everything.
You put your money aside in a private savings and start building it for your dream home.

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It’s only as good as gets if you let it.
Time to move on.
Sounds like your a single woman with a man living with you. Kick him out and get a lawyer.

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No, it isn’t good as it gets!! You are worthy of so much more!! Ask yourself this, would you want your son or daughter to live & stay in this kind of relationship? Of course you wouldn’t! You are entitled to YOUR OWN HAPPINESS! We have one go round on this earth (it’s hard enough for all day by day in good relationships) Do NOT settle for less! I feel like you already know the answer and what you need to do. IMO I would give him an ultimatum, either he changes and becomes a man treating you with love, respect and lifts you up instead of dragging you down. It’s quite clear that he is self absorbed and takes you for granted. Don’t allow this type of behavior!! Also, your children deserve to see a family unit , helping one another and being together as a family. If you are doing everything on your own already it’s past time for you to go solo & SOAR!

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Leave now before you waste anymore of your life on that low life!

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You’re doing it all on your own now, why’s he there? You guys don’t do anything as a family. He doesn’t spend time with you. His money is his money. He verbally abuses you. Why is he there? It sounds like you know the answer in your heart. You’re miserable. Why stay in that situation? End things and be happy. Find a good man later on down the road. This guy isn’t the one.

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You obviously know you can do it on your own bc you already are. That is not as good as it gets at all, You deserve so much better as do your kids.

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First off change your relationship status…
You can be much happier & better off financially without him leeching off of you. & If you are miserable with him, imagine how free you will feel without him.

You let him milk the cow for free, & here you are 20 years later, still letting him do it…

Leave or implement changes. If he lives there, eats there, keeps his belongings there, showers there, he has children there, HE PAYS THERE‼️
Make up his half of the bills, monthly & don’t forget to include maid, chef, & children’s ride share along with rent, electric, water, trash, insurance.

If he doesn’t pay, he gets a 30 day notice to vacate, from the courts, along with a child support order 🤷

You want change, BE the change.

Please please wake up and respect yourself…
That’s bullshit… You are not a maid and deserve to be treated much better… you need to put your foot down and say new year new you.,… They will treat you the way you put up with

I forgot the word NARCISSIST! You can’t change one either!

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But, who will mow the lawn??

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I think you should leave his a$$. Good riddance to him!

I’m sorry you’ve been through all that. Sounds like You’re complacent and so is he. You’ve allowed it for too long. 21 years is way too much time wasted if this has been your life since. I’m not trying to sound insensitive but for real, why are you there?! It mustn’t be love, because love will fool you into putting up with stupid situations, but not once did you mention you love him? So For real, what you need to do is leave him, or play his game. Keep your money to yourself and do you as he is doing him.

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Would you want your children to live like this when they are adults? If it’s not what you want for them, you can’t accept it for yourself. You have an example to set.

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You know how you feel and what you can do to change things. It will be hard I’m sure financially and otherwise, but it’s hard now. I am positive that with the space being alone allows you will find happiness. That’s not all there is. Not by a long shot. He says things like he’d never leave the kids “like other dad’s” to create guilt in you should you chose to wise up and kick his ass out. Honestly, kicking him out will be a lot less painful than slowly killing yourself day after day trying to please someone, who quite frankly, will never be happy with what he has.

Buh-bye! You’re better off being alone, than wishing that you were alone!

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Get out …he will never change

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Just leave him… there’s not one partner thing he does in this situation. He doesn’t love nor respect you or the kids if he’s putting you guys at risk by taking the money to spend on alcohol. He doesn’t share parenting responsibilities for his children, and he degraded you consistently…. Is there anything that makes him an actual partner? Just file for custody and support at this point and don’t let him have any access to any of your money. You need that for you and the kids to survive on. Also I bet without him you money goes further when he isn’t stealing it from the family.

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It doesn’t get any better. It gets worse. You spent enough time catering to him. Plan for a future without him. Someone who loves you doesn’t talk to you that way even when angry. He sounds selfish, needy, vile, disrespectful, he’s definitely not a father or real man. I wouldn’t do another thing for him.

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He works 6 Day a week He deserve his rest

He probably stay in the room so he doesn’t have to listen to u whine. You say you not happy and depressed so just leave… Really not tough decision

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First things first you need too leave him!!

Is it as good as it gets? Or is it what you’re allowing it to be? What’s your definition of good? Is what you’re dealing with what you’re striving for? If not, then it’s not as good as it gets, it’s what you’re making it. It sounds like you can make it better, he doesn’t help you whatsoever, you’re already doing it on your own.

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Who’s paying for the 6 kids?

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This was my x to a T said those things and did those things as years went on I learned he’s always been like that he won’t change he’s set in his ways n he likes his ways he doesn’t Like change,this is narcissistic behavior u have to get out y’all are basically room mates that’s what I always felt I’m sorry hun but u need to get out , my x and I were together 8 years every year it got worse he would always say if u make it to 5 years we will get married 5 years came and nothing he started saying then u give me a kid and we will get married, I have a kid and always get checked he wouldn’t get checked but the blame on me it isn’t gonna get better get ur kids out of it

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Good grief! Do you really have to ask??? Put his ass out. If you’re doing everything on your own, what have you got to lose except the abuse? And don’t kid yourself, you’re being abused!

Imagine for just a moment how happy you could be if he wasn’t in the picture. If that sounds like a better life than what you’re living currently, then my suggestion to you would be to leave.

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Put all his stuff out on the front yard, change the locks and file for child support. You’re worth a whole lot more than what you’re getting, adjust your crown and hold your head up high Queen!

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If he does nothing then why stay. People kill me seriously being alone and doing what you already do and not having to watch after, clean after, etc is so much better than having the other person simply because they don’t think they can do it alone but in reality already do…

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Are you sure he’s not on drugs? What a dick. Go on strike. Screw him

I would work on an exit plan ASAP !! There is a man out there that will love and treat you the way a woman should be treated. Best of luck :crossed_fingers:

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Girl! LEAVE! File for child support and take the kids. He brings zero things to your family. You are worth so much more

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Save up money and get out. Your children deserve better just like you do.

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He works six days a week and you have a boat load of kids what do you expect

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Leave him as soon as you can.

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You need to do fun things with the kids. If you can’t afford night out with them at a restaurant or movie, go to the library or park. Where I live there are some movie theaters that cost $1 or $2 per person. Have a game night. Focus on fun things to do with them since he’s never around.

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I see so many similar stories and they make me so glad I am finally single…I’m in my 60’s and raising 3 grandkids…if I can do it alone you younger ladies sure can…there’s alot of help and support out there…and to answer your questions of your life…honey…better alone than in bad company…life’s too short to be miserable…

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Girl things will only get better for you when you leave or make him leave if you are paying for everything you don’t need him . Sounds like he’s a big child & only cares about himself . File for child support to make him help …

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It is easy to say kick him out!! Who’s name is on the lease???

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Sounds like your single and doing it on your own anyway so you may as well be, he has no respect for you and is abusive, mentally verbally and financially. He’s a user! Pack his stuff and tell him to leave, you deserve better than that. Don’t waste another year on him.

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Please LEAVE!! Sounds like you’re already supporting yourself and your kids now anyway. The way he treats you is NOT the way it should be, AT ALL!! I feel so sorry for you to have spent these years of your life with such a selfish, cold hearted, abusive man. He does not deserve you. Either throw him out or take the kids and leave. Collect child support, and start your life the way you deserve to live it!!:slightly_smiling_face:

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Everyone deserves love and consideration; especially after 21 years and six children.

Things to consider:

Is the rental in your name or his?

If yours collect all his stuff when he is at work and take to the landlord or storage.

If his, can you afford to get a place of your own with kids?

Gather all important papers and his financial information if you can.

Go talk to a lawyer.

File a restraining order, a custody order, and child support.

Who has medical coverage for the children?

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My motto has always been if imma struggle by myself imma be by myself period!!! Ill be damned if imma struggle to pay the bills and take care of my kids and the house by myself while i got a man laying up in my house and the fact those are his kids is even more sad :cry: when you are a man or woman when you are a parent you gotta take care of things there is no “my paycheck is 100% mine” if i was you i would put my foot down kick him to the curb and go for child support he needs to share in the financial responsibilities of being a parent period!

and you are in a relationship with him because :woman_shrugging:t3:

Start putting your money aside, take your kids and go. Put him on child support and live your life. You are doing it all on your own anyways right now.

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Earn money and leave wih your kids. Make your own happiness.

21 years is a long time to be doing this all alone. He is basically a roommate. Never see him, doesnt help, no connection and im sorry but his money is his money?? Are you his mother?!? For real girl you already know the answer. You want real love you wont get it from him.

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I did the exact same thing for 22 years. If he’s not will to work on things to make you both happy then it’s time to leave. In the mean time set yourself aside some of your money for when it happens

First thing you need to change is get rid of that sorry excuse of a man that doesn’t appreciate you or love you like you deserve. Why are you dealing with that abuse and why have you been doing it for so long? Your kids are gonna grow up thinking that’s how you treat females or your daughters are gonna find men that treat them like garbage cause they won’t know any better. Come on now you say you have your own money. I’d leave asap. Don’t give him another dime for anything. He keeps his then you keep yours. Life is way to short to be unhappy. We only live once so go enjoy it the way you’re supposed too!!! Good luck!!!

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I’d leave. Honestly. You’re already supporting everyone yourself. You’re already doing it all.
He doesn’t deserve someone as Golden as you. Honestly.

21 years is enough.

I can’t even imagine a relationship where “this is my money” is even a thing.
I haven’t even been married a year, but even during the general relationship status of us, it was always “our money”. We’d say “when my paycheck comes” or “when my check gets deposited” but once it’s in that account, it’s ours.
I can’t even imagine tolerating being the only player in what’s suppose to be a team sport…
you and your kids deserve better.

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Life is too short to be so unhappy. Make some changes. You can do it! Sounds like you already are doing it on your own. You will be happier!

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I’m gunna say it loud!
DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO BE THE BEST MOTHER POSSIBLE. NEVER DO IT OR ANYTHING FOR HIM. SET 20 MINUTES ASIDE, DAILY OR WEEKLY FOR YOURSELF. OTHERWISE WHAT HE EXPECTS OF YOU IS IRRELEVANT. YOU ARE MOM FIRST. AND IF U HAVE TO BE MOM AND DAD SO BE IT. HIS LOSS, YOUR GAIN.

Please try and build a happier life for you, your husband, and your kids! Exactly how my parents were except sprinkle in mental illness and abuse physical and mental by both parties. My Mom and Dad stayed together for the sake of their children but at the expense of their children’s mental health and well-being! I assure you he’s feeling the same way except he’s coping with substance abuse and lashing out. Communicate to your partner your feelings but also listen to his. If leaving is not what you both want. Maybe separate for awhile and seek counseling and mental health care and see if you guys are unable to rebuild your relationship then find a way to split amicable for the sake of your children and family.

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He’s giving you reasons to leave on a daily basis. You’re choosing to stay because!?

You’re a single parent, own it. Do not ever NEED him

21 YEARS??? You wasted 16yrs too many…

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He’s only doing what you have allowed him to get a way with your entire relationship. Start saving up money and get your own place. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Waaah waaah wwwaaaaah.

Dude. Seriously?

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He will never change,divorce him,you will at least get child support for you to raise your children,life is to short to be miserable.

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What would you want YOUR daughter to do in a situation like this? (Or son). What would you tell her to do?

So he’s not contributing money, time, support, or basic courtesy. What good is he?

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Your choice here not ours. Do you want to continue to show your daughters what expect from their spouses? Is this what you want your sons to learn about treating their future spouses? That’s what you are showing them. It’s your choice to make the change.

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Sounds like he sucks as a partner and sucks as a dad. You say this has been going on for a long time ,so why have you endored this for so long. He treats you like shit , doesn’t contribute to the house or family, goes out when he wants and ignores you and his kids by spending his days off in the bedroom. Is this how you want your children to grow up and treat their partner, to act as an irresponsible man / father ? You should have talked to him a long time ago but instead you became his enabler. So instead of crying the blues on here start packing up either your things or his. Get a real man / father and let the immature waste of a boy go.

Leave :upside_down_face: 21 years and he still treats you like a roommate/maid. You said you’re not married but same as, no no you’re not. Marriage is much more than a legally binding contract, it’s a commitment to honor your spouse. Regardless of the piece of paper, he does not respect you. I understand he’s tired from working so much so he may not want to go do things, but it obviously doesn’t stop him from going to the bar. Also, why in the world is he not contributing to the financial upkeep of the home/family. It isn’t your responsibility to raise kids, pay the bills, keep the house up, and be a spouse, while he does nothing. It is a partnership, everyone has to do their part. He isn’t. So obviously you are capable of doing it on your own so why continue to live unhappily? Leave and live your life. He obviously is content and doesn’t intend to grow. It also sounds like he is with you out of obligation to the kids, so he’ll probably leave when they’re grown anyway​:woman_shrugging:t4::woman_shrugging:t4: Do something for yourself.

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Youve given him your all, you deserve some happiness in life darl, save up and get going…can do it by yourself by sounds of it and you dont need meanness in your life everyday x

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Its pretty simple, if you have any shred of love left for him give him the gift of a frank conversation, tell him you are old enough to want home equity and either he immediately starts splitting household expenses so that money can be saved for a down payment or you’ll do it absent of him, on the other side the chores and the disrespect issues are extremely unlikely to change so you have to decide if you can live with that

There’s nothing you can do to make him change, he has to want it for himself and it seems obvious he could care less.

You don’t need to change a damn thing hun. Oh except one, tell him to leave. That you need a break to figure out what you want, if he doesn’t help financially then it won’t be a huge deal. You will probably prefer it alone with the kids because there isn’t a deadweight hanging around. Then he will either see what he is missing or will feel better off

What you have here is a free loading, abusive room mate that doesn’t pay rent. What would you do if this was a rando renting a room at your house? Unless you take the steps to change the situation, then yes, that will be as good as it gets, :heart:

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That’s definitely not as good as it gets. Leave. You all don’t have to be together for him to “not leave his kids”. You deserve better and your kids don’t deserve to be in a toxic environment.

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