My husband told me this morning I don’t have a job or contribute, I work 12h a week. I gave up my 35h a week job as he is always traveling with his job and there is no one to mind our children, we have absolutely no family. He is always working, travels a lot. I just need to vent here; I don’t have people to talk to. I feel like leaving with my children.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Just needing to vent
The biggest gift my husband ever give me was the choice to be home with our 4 boys. He needs to understand that these years can never be repeated, it truly should be a choice when it can be made financially possible. It should never be a bargaining chip or thrown in your face either, raising kids can be as hard as any job, it’s just more rewarding for some.
You contribute MORE then he does… you work AND take care of the home and kids… so he could work. Contribute isn’t just about money… if you didn’t care for the kids, he would have too, meaning he couldn’t work… I hate when they act like that, id leave… he doesn’t appreciate you.
Leave. If he can’t see your worth or value, dump his ass. Nothing is worth your peace of mind and happiness. It won’t be easy, you’ll want give up but trust me you will live happier and loved once you prioritize your own happiness and don’t except anything less than what you deserve.
Also you’d probably be paying the same or at least a really good chunk for daycare. Which is why many moms decide to stay home. It’s not worth being away and having over 50% of your money go to daycare. I personally couldn’t do it. I value my time with my child too much to work full time and it just wouldn’t be worth it working part time.
First off, YOU DO CONTRIBUTE BY TAKING CARE OF YOUR KIDS! Second, try daycare vouchers, maybe?
Honestly if he doesn’t appreciate what you do at home (assume u keep the house clean, laundry done, kids bathed and all that type of stuff) then I would leave. U most likely could get daycare assistance if needed along with food stamps or wic.
Much love to you, you and your children deserve much better.
Leave, and never look back.
That’s not love.
Unpopluar opinion: the age of the kids matters. Older don’t need much supervision. IMO
Taking care of the kids is a full time job itself! Fuck that I’m married and my wife stays home with the kids and its working out perfectly fine with no problems! Since he wants to say your not contributing have him take care of the kids for a month or so and i bet he’ll change his mind about you not contributing or helping! Hang in there love it’ll get better i promise!
Instead of giving you more reasons to be upset with him I think it’s important to find ways to validate and empower you. What you do isn’t easy but it’s a full time job. If there’s a chance, would you consider doing in home childcare? It keeps you available for your children and helps you earn extra cash. Is there a hobby you can monetize from home? Holding money over your head isn’t cool but this could be a perfect opportunity for you to do something that makes you feel good (while shutting him up lol)
Easy my love…swap…he can stay home and mind the kids and house and you go to work…bet after not even a week he will be humbled. Men think they’re so mighty cause they work…yeah you work and we mind the house and kids cause y’all can’t handle it …low-key woman are the stronger sex. Men are just at times physically stronger…that’s it…I raised my twins alone…worked…maintained my house and at one point completed studies and got my cert 3 in business and admin all ALONE…I hate when people think I’m acting when I say I don’t need them cause I really don’t…cause I’m too good to people they don’t have to earn my love .they get on their high horses…I’m not afraid to kick them off those horses though cause unless you really add to my joy…really actually benefit me or are good to me in a way that makes my life better…then I don’t need you. Do you pay my bills…are you consistently around and helping me with my kids? Or personal things? No? Yet am I there for you…without being begged …told…etc etc yes…exactly …and that is why I now walk away.
Eek, I would say follow your heart, but before I did I sout sound advice from a spiritual person, who sided with me but yeah, I pray God protects you,He does love you, and your children
It took me almost a year to squirrel money away and make plans, never let the abuser know you want to leave, kiss ass and call it ice cream, I pray you make it, u can do it
Children are a whole job! Men just don’t get it! I want to leave mine to for the same.
Do it!! If you’re unhappy and he doesn’t care then go with your intuition. Life’s too short to be with people that don’t make you happy!!
My EX husband said that to me and since I was taking care of my son by myself anyway, I left. Best thing I ever did. Taking care of kids is a full time thankless job, there are no sick days, pay days or vacation days. Let him keep them for 1 week by himself and see how he whines about it.
You are contributing. Working part-time out of the house and full-time in the house, raising your kids, while he travels for work. Tell him to get quotes for child care and you’ll happily discuss going back to work. His mind will change quickly.
I would kindly remind your husband that you do have a job is very full-time and you don’t get paid. For moms especially stay at home moms and it sounds like you even have a job even though it’s only 12 hours a week your job is never done there is no sick days overtime vacation days there’s none of that and you don’t make a salary but you have a job. I understand that your husband would get frustrated about finances but it sounds like your husband kind of needs to step up a little bit and agree that if he wants you working back full time because apparently you were working full time then he needs to help find adequate daycare. Troubles will always happen in a relationship but leaving is not the answer communicating and comprehension however is
I sooo feel you in this.
Being labeled as not doing nothing, anything of value in the home was constantly hurled at me. So much I lost my self esteem, my self worth.
I got brave on day and told hubby to phone his mom (who didn’t work) right bloody now; tell her he did not value one thing or anything she did in the home and yard.
That took him aback.
This is trait of a Narcissist. They only value themselves, and money above all.
See no value in people who don’t work outside the home. I should have seen it for what it was so long ago. It only escalated to far far worse treatment. I wanted to kill myself several times, had several nervous breakdowns. I finally left after 40 yrs.
Hope this helps.
I think you are both under pressure and need to sit down and have a discussion when you both have calmed down. You could also look for work from home opportunities if you can make it work.
I agree with the lady who said you both need to sit & talk it out. If he wants you to work & earn more money, he needs a career change so he can be home more & available to help the kids. Otherwise, it’s nothing but bs. Good luck. He sounds self centered.
Ohhhh so he is going to pull THAT sort of crap???
Inform him you will be searching for the best daycare to properly care for your kids and will gladly go back to full time work. He will see it’s harder to juggle two schedules and daycare and drop off and pick up times AND him traveling. Show him a month of fees for daycare and show him what you would be making if you worked full time. Also include your mileage and gas costs. he will shut up when he realizes you SAVE the family gobs of money.
Unfortunately a lot of people don’t realize the value of maintaining a home and taking care of the family.
When I left my first husband, he said a few months later that he didn’t realize how much I did.
Just tell him child support and alimony are looking really great! Since, on paper, you “work” less than he does, (you don’t! Trust me, I know you don’t!), he will owe you. Otherwise, he can get his act together and treat you like a decent human being! You are worth it!
Tell him if he wants to pay for childcare, you can work and “contribute”… although paying for childcare will pretty much leave you all w the same income
Ok so lets just back up the “leave his ungrateful” ass train a little bit people. I hear where you are all coming from. But here’s a thought, this is one side of the story, no one really knows what goes on in the marriage but this couple and you can’t burn the guy at the stake based on this one rant. She said she needed to vent, not she needed to hear “leave him” People will not randomly come out and make a statement like that without a reason, although it was a shitty comment to make. She also said she had no one to talk to. So yah know what lady if you want to vent and you want someone to listen either find a friend or hey pm me I’ll listen until the cows come home. Sometimes all we need to do is blow off a little steam, vent, rant, hell cry if yah have too.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but when there’s children involved, maybe a little understanding and compassion is what’s needed.
Woman so quick to leave. Talk to your husband. And tell him exactly what you just posted, that if he can’t respect the fact that you do work a full time job taking care of yalls children. But are yall struggling financially? If so, maybe his point is yall need another income. Always 2 sides to every story. But you married him for a reason. So don’t be so quick to leave him.
As a male myself. This is wrong from him. If you explain to him your daily routine. Like “ you go to work at this time- and home at this time” I’m home to look after our kids. Getting them up, dress them(take a little longer and chasing them around to get dress-(detail it to him). Then breakfast feed them. And myself too(mama) then clean their teeth. My teeth. Make sure they got clothes for kindy, school. Lunch. Etc etc. all before 8-830. Then drive them to school/kindy. And then I’m home and vaccum, wash clothes etc etc prep dinner etc etc. then pick kids etc etc. take them home and undress them. Play with them. Get dinner. Shower them.
FInally you come home. And dinner is served. And you spend time with kids while I do clean up, dishes etc. then bed for kids and then you and me time when I finally sat down. Then the same shit the next day.
If he goes away for work. Same shit too but stressed bec you’re away and I’m left alone with our kids.
If kids are toddlers. And to young to go to school, kindy, then explain the same shit to him but from home. And on top of all that. You don’t get paid.
You get paid in love from the kids.
So tell him stop being an asshole and swap shift with me for a day and I’ll go pamper myself from the moment you start till you come home. And then we can discuss our parenting and income eh
Idk what I could say because idk however I do know how to show some need love mama your a Queen an all you do is for your family and mama you will find a way in whatever it takes I know you’ll do it!! Much love honey love
Work for the school district so your hours can match theirs, that’s what I did and it works out marvelous
Do yiu cook clean do laundry and take care of the children when he is not there? Then you 100% contribute
I’ve been there. And he said that he’s the little worker bee and I just spend all his money. As if I wasn’t taking care of our 4 children ages 8 and younger. GTFO of there. Single parenting is HARD but the healing is worth everything. WTF is with men telling SAHM or mothers who work minimal hours that they aren’t contributing? They need to stop making babies if they’re going to get pissed about supporting them.
Maybe he’s just frustrated and feels overworked. You just need to sit down together and talk about roles and contributions. Men who are not used to SAHM can end up feeling like they’re the only one working and need it pointed out to them how much staying at home is worth. My husband will tell you men are dense, men need things pointed out to them sometimes.
I am a full time working mom before I gave birth to my second child last year. No family around to help me with my kids and my husband’s mom is already 85 yrs old and cannot take care 2 kids at the same time (5 and 1 yr old) I reduced my hours to 16h/week to tend to my children and my husband is very supportive as he knows that daycare is very expensive (we live in Hawaii) I get to spend more time with my kids. Your husband should realize that you are doing great and should also be grateful that you are staying home mostly for your kids. He should atleast try to put himself in your situation so he understand how hard it is being a full time mom and a career woman.
Submit a bill for hours worked, cooking and cleaning etc while he’s away and don’t forget service provided when he returns…
My ex did the same so I went back to work full time and made him pay for the babysitter and made him start doing more around the house to make it even. He threw a fit and obviously we had our differences.
Get a full time job and pay for someone to clean, cook and watch the kids. I think he’ll find that you are definitely equals here.
There are men who think women do nothing.
Tell him to shove his opinion where the sun don’t shine you work and you look after your children you do plenty
Only you, truly know what your heart feels.
If you don’t feel valued, express that to him.
Maybe you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart?
If you don’t feel it would help, go with your gut.
Best of luck.
Give the kids lots of candy for breakfast and go run errands all day long on his day off. It might change his perspective
Taking cate of your children is a major contribution wtf is wrong w him
I would talk to him about it and let him know how much childcare would be if you were working full time and the children in nursery/daycare
Explain your hurt by what he said and hopefully he’ll see what you’re saying
Tell him if you go back to work he’s paying for child care then and see how that feels. And he needs to hire a chef and a maid as well because you’ll be working full time and can’t be doing that and all the cooking and cleaning.
Maybe approach him and ask him what he thinks would be a solution that would work and make him feel better about things. Remind him children grow up and the time spent with parents when they are young is precious and you can’t get it back. Maybe he’d like to reverse roles🤷♀️
You contribute by taking care of your kids. If he don’t find that as a job, let him take over and you work. I can honestly say most don’t realize how much work it is to take care of kids till he is there all day doing what you have.
Second option is a babysitter but of course will cost
Girl leave. He’s clearly not accounting for the fact that you still work while also taking care your children which saves y’all a ton of money. Men like that don’t usually appreciate their partners or are willing to save their relationship until it’s too late. I definitely think talkin ab it could help you find common ground but if it doesn’t do what’s best for you.
Thanks to women a couple of generations ago who fought for women’s right to work most don’t have any other choice because the cost of living is so extreme it takes both parents working Those women didn’t know or care what kind of mess they were making for generations after them:bangbang:
Some men thinks their job is the most difficult job in the world. While woman do all the jobs in all kind of worlds.
Kids , house ,work to help husband you name it.
Tell him to find a job where he isn’t away most of the time so you two can switch off between full time work shifts. Then make sure he pulls his weight in house chores and if he doesn’t, let him know he’s not contributing to the household or children.
Put your foot down don’t let him say things that are not true. Don’t let him cross that line. He needs to give you respect happy or upset
Holy crap she just needed to vent. Somehow the keyboard warriors have him a straight up abuser and the relationship is toxic. I didn’t read that in her post. Good God people she’s lonely and needs some friends to gather and embrace her bottle of wine or margaritas something to ket her unwind all that stress from doing all and not just doing all. You all have her walking out…What ever happened to our vows. Richer pooer better or for worse. Sickness or health…Gather your buds give your kiddos a bath read them a story then do Mom. When hubby gets back you need date night and a good okd fashion face to face conversation find an even ground. Did ypu not Marry your best friend. I know I did…
What a asshole. Husbands can be inconsiderate jerks sometimes. He probably doesn’t mean anything he just taking his frustrations out on you because he doesn’t have anyone else to take them out on. Being a wife and mommy is a full time job and I am sure that you would trade anytime if you could
The kids are equally his responsibility, if you weren’t looking after your kids (which is a full time job equivalent) he wouldn’t be able to work, he only goes to work because of you so tell him to pull his head in and get off his high horse.
It’s so hard to say without more information. Could be he is feeling the strain of providing for the family on top of work stressors. Could be he feels disconnected. Could be things aren’t getting done at home and he feels unappreciated. Could be you’re depressed, overwhelmed, and lonely. You definitely feel unappreciated. If your children are young that can be a lot of strain. If there is verbal abuse, belittling, criticism, isolation, and financial control it could be abusive. Maybe take an online quiz to see if you’re in an abusive relationship? There are many resources for counseling, including online services. Churches often offer women’s groups, children’s programs, and free pastoral counseling. Marriages and parenthood can be challenging. Keeping loving yourself, your children, and doing the best you can. You’ll get through it!
Tell him to stay home wiv the kids n u will happily go to work, where does he expect u to put your child? A rucksack? Cheeky! It won’t be forever, enjoy your child while u can n once they get a bit more independent n in full time school u can do more then
Sad to hear you r going thru a tough time. Is there a library around u that has a children’s section. I used that as a way to introduce my daughter to books, movies, quiet play area. And I got lost in the adult section for quiet time. Also opportunity to meet new ppl
You’re working way more than he is. And unless he is super wealthy, he wouldn’t be able to afford to pay someone to raise the kids full time, cook and clean. On top of that you are working part-time! On top of being a stay-at-home mom which is a full-time job.
Is this a one time thing or does he treat you like this all the time? That makes a big difference. If it was a one time thing maybe he was stressed out about money and it came out in a cruel way. If he always treats you like this that’s a much bigger problem. If it’s abusive definitely leave. Other than that try to work it out. He is your husband and the father of your children.
I feel the same way. This is a constant battle at my house. But I stand my ground. Tell him are you going to pay for the babysitter. Do I not clean cook take care or you and the kids ??? I do ? Then I’m doing my part
I would talk with your husband, set those hurt feelings in a bubble, and try to see both sides. Is he frustrated or feeling stuck in his job because he has to earn enough money to support the family? Is he wishing for a job with less travel? Missing time with you and the kids? Or does he just think it is easier to do what you do? Communicate. Share. Compromise. Look for neighborhood groups online to meet other moms and kids. Look into vouchers so you can work more to take some of the pressure of him and gain some confidence. You are only as stuck as you feel and let yourself be…
Tell him you are signing kids up for daycare that he can start paying get yourself a full time job tell him it’s 50/50 dropping off and picking them up and once your checks start rolling in you both will split that. I can guarantee he will change his tune real quick! My hubby though I had it easy work part time early mornings clean a sleep study and evenings a bank during day SAHM he had 2 days of dealing with the kids now he doesn’t give me shit he realizes being home with kids all day gets really tiring
I hear you! I feel this way at least once a week. Hang in there mamma you are not alone! Add me if you need a friend, I am all alone too!
My husband works throughout the week and I stay home with our two year old …I work on the weekend and he stays home with him. You have to find some kind of balance that works for the both of you and also makes u both happy. But then again sometimes you just have to do what provides. Sit down and talk it out. So many women are put down for being SAHMs but it is so hard, especially if you do both. Y’all need to work together and focus on what provides and keeps you sane.
I feel how frustrating this is for you bc a lot of women do so much more than their partners in the home and yet still hold down full-time jobs! Paying for child care would be alot more for 2 kids!
Not very helpful for advice but I understand how you feel. At one point I was working 40hr weeks and still the only one taking care of the house and kids. The guy I was with all ways gave me hell about not being home enough or not spending enough time with him. It became a very toxic environment and relationship, leaving was the best choice I made for me and my kids. I hope you find the answer the you need and find happiness.
Obviously your spouse has no idea what a good homemaker would cost! Not to mention raising children on your own, which basically that’s what you are doing while he is away.
Awww hun message me if you need
I’m in the exact same situation apart from my partner understands and agrees that it’s best for me to stay home with the kids while he works. It’s just not worth the money nor the stress .
Tell him it’s time he pays for daycare and does 50% of the care of the kids, pays for 50% of them, pays for 50% of the bills…gets up at night. Takes them to daycare or picks them up…
I mean…you’re doing your job at home while he does his job. He needs to shush
Staying home with the kids is a job too…if it wasn’t, why do we have to pay people to do it? Tell him to stay home with them n see how it feels…
Call around and get prices for day care and other house hold chores from other people. And make out a itemized list of what you do daily and show him what it would cost him. If that give him a change of mind. Pack you stuff and say good bye to the ass.
i think you need to sit down and have a chat, there seems to be more to it than this, you’re clearly affected by him being away so much and there may be some stuff he’s bottling up, i think it runs deeper
How much money are you or him spending on none necessities? Maybe he feels overwhelmed w bills or has no idea where the money goes when he is gone working. Make him a spreadsheet of child care costs & where your money goes.
Make an exit plan. See Tina Swithin One Moms Battle resources. This is a narcissist. Can’t fix it.
If u have a fairly good relationship then forgive and forget, in marriage things are usually said in the moment.
But if the marriage is bad and u are constantly invalidated and insulted then u should rather make the decision to leave.
Wishing u all the best❤️
Well honey dump him and run. But don’t forget to get as much maintenance as you can from him. That will make him see he should have appreciated you being there and holding down the full time job of looking after the kids , while running the house on your own. Selfish man. Grrrrrrr.
If he thinks you do nothing to contribute, leave for a while and let everything fall on him for once. Then he’ll really see how much you do.
Get a job. Then ask him who’s looking and paying for childcare, making dinner, picking the kids up etc.
You can invoice him for the cost of daycare per month or week and let him see how much you contribute that way.
You can invoice him for housekeeping, cooking, etc. for all the time you spending doing that.
You can also bill him your hourly fee and let him see how much you do. Unpaid. For OUR family.
This mentality of SAHM not contributing is toxic and nauseating.
Pack his suitcase and shove him out the door and get a very good lawyer and go for all the child support and alimony you can get. Ask me how I know
Pack your belongings - take your children and leave.
No life no marriage
No marriage no life
Why must you be there alway - to provide him while he holds his thump on your head. No my dear - you also have a life and living to live.
Just as he is a humanbeing the same are you!!!
Dont let him hold you back as you can go explore for a job and live your life with your children to be happy!!!
Mine did the same thing to come to find out he was cheating … start slowly putting money away so you’ll have something to fall back on always be one step ahead
What does he think taking care of the kids is. That’s a full time job in its self. I stayed in a loveless marriage for over 33 years. Don’t do it. If your not happy take the kids and go where your family and friends are. Most men that are narsissic will get you away from people that will support you so they can control you. Start contacting you people and get things in place
Do what is best for you and your kids but talk to him avout this how it hurts your feelings a d go from there
I would leave for awhile to give him and myself some space he’ll see what a jerk he’s been Good luck!
Put the kids in daycare and go back to work and see how it goes before you do anything else!
I’m not laughing
I’m excited. This is the only emoji they have
Finally someone said it, the struggles are very real. Being a single parent is tougher than what your experiencing
Don’t make permanent changes on temporary feelings
Sound like someone is about to be cooking their own dinner, picking up their own sh*t and washing their own laundry from now on!
You should just leave. He sounds like a low quality individual who doesn’t seen your TRUE worth anyway.
Sounds like he’s burned out and venting. Listen to him and make a special day for just you and him .
Yep leave him they don’t change and his resentment towards you will only worsen and then the kids will start saying you are worthless because you don’t work and contribute financially. Been there unfortunately I didn’t leave and my kids have a low opinion of me because of their dad saying I’m worthless
It’s not the 1950s anymore, LEAVE! Why anyone would stay with someone that doesn’t value or respect them blows my mind. If you’ve had your conversations with him & he’s still acting like an ass I would LEAVE.
Make sure he pays all the bills including childcare if you decide to leave him because you cannot work and watch your children.
I feel ya!! No matter how much I work or if I just take care of our kids 24 7 it’s never enough! Either way its a battle and one I am tired af as tolerating. Lol!
Your man sounds like a self entitled moron. Anyone that brings up children KNOWS that isn’t easy. Tell your man righto you stay home with Our kids, ill work n travel. With his attitude wouldn’t be surprised if he’s tapping n gapping others.
Give him a bill for childcare, housework and anything else he doesn’t help with
Maybe he should pay you income for doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cooking, dusting, taking the trash out, taking care and teaching your kids, grocery shopping, cleaning bathrooms, making beds, going to appts, ect… I hate when people say stay at home moms do nothing. They should try it and then can have a say. Fuck him if he don’t appreciate your worth to his life.
Tell him you will work and he can stay home with them.im sure he doesnt wanna do or “deal with that” men do not understand what we do in a day at home with the kids.i would put him in check big time.