QUESTION:
"My daughter just turned 14 and has admitted she’s started smoking. Her friends all do it, and they also do drugs.
She refuses to listen to any advice I or anyone else tells her, except for the advice from her friends. So I told her if that’s the path she has taken, to pack her bags. I can not take much more of her disrespect.
It seems the only way for her to learn is to deal with the consequences. Am I wrong in doing this? She won’t accept help from anyone."
RELATED QUESTION: I Am Struggling to Quit Smoking: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“She is 14. Honestly, I would be putting my foot down and grounding her, no friends, no phone, no bedroom door, and she has to earn back trust and responsibility. That’s the first thing I would try anyway.”
“Pretty sure you can get arrested for kicking your kid out at 14. Especially if anything happens to her. I have a 13-year-old daughter. Some call me strict but she doesn’t have any need to be out running around to do those things. You are the parent and in control. If you can’t handle her there are people you can call for help.”
“If that is your solution then there are obviously other problems in this home. I started smoking around that age and stopped before I graduated from HS. You’ve already lost all of her trust in you by telling her to pack her bags. You made the decision to be her parent, you don’t just get to up and quit because she decided to try smoking. Grounding her will do nothing. Punishment will only make her resent you more. Have a calm conversation with her. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t be condescending. Don’t threaten her. Actually listen to her. Take in what she is saying, even if it is criticism. Parenting takes communication, from both sides.”
“Pack her bags and go where? The streets? Just because she thinks she’s grown doesn’t mean that she is and the odds are not in her favor of not selling her body or ending up on drugs.”
“You need to try a different approach. Take her to meet people that have ruined their lives from smoking and drugs. Show her what she could end up like.”
“No, you cannot give up on her. You are the mother, she is 14. Ground her, don’t let her go out, don’t let her stay at home without you. Take her electronics, change her schools if you have to. Fight for her. It’s ok if she does not like you.”
“You give up too easily. She just turned 14. You should still be the boss of your house. Take her phone. Turn off the Internet. Remove her door. Put locks on the windows. If she runs away, call the cops. If she doesn’t learn her lesson, they have alternative schools. In Michigan, if youth girls behave badly enough they go to Vista Maria. Don’t kick her out, that’s a weak move for a mom. Parent her! Be her mom!”
“I have a 20-year-old son with whom I’ve always had a good relationship. Mutual respect. I found a coke can in his washroom with a butt and assumed it was my husband. Until I asked him and he said no, not me. I asked my son if it was him. He admitted yes. I told him ‘Listen, you’re a big boy. You know how I feel about smoking.’ I went thru all the reasons why he shouldn’t smoke but said if you’re going to do it, don’t do it in my house. I told him I was disappointed. A few days later, I teasingly asked him if he needed an ashtray for his back deck… He said ‘I gave the cigarettes away mom. I couldn’t deal with your disappointment.’ A good relationship goes a long way. Kicking your daughter out at 14 for smoking is a bigger problem then her smoking itself if you ask me. Nothing in this world would make me turn my back on my children.”
“She’s 14!! Be a parent! Set rules, consequences, follow through. It is illegal to toss out a minor. If she won’t listen, that’s when you get help from authorities.”
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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:
Require lots of supervision. Don’t give her any freedom for a while.
