Love the child and NOT the material things you are purchasing. Stop keeping score and just clothe and care for the child. It’s NOTHING in the big scheme of things to buy some more outfits and shoes. Be the bigger person and TAKE CARE OF THIS CHILD.
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My question is if the child is wearing these. Clothes rather it be at one parents house or the other what does it matter. Children grow out of clothes and shoes so quickly what does it matter where she wears them. I understand clothes and shoes are expensive but is it not for what is best for the child the major outcome?
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I went through this same situation and I was so frustrated but honestly I just learned to let it go and made sure to buy things for her to take to her moms house/wear to school and keep specific things at our house. As she’s gotten older, it’s gotten a lot better since she’s a little more responsible and cares more about what she’s wearing.
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My husbands ex does this so when he gets them i put them in clothes we buy and on the day they go back wash their clothes they were sent in and put those back on them 30 mins before they go home to their mom.
Take photo’s of everything you buy including keep receipts of everything if crunch comes to crunch buy second clothes for every visit use them keep good clothes ect at your house
How much custody does dad have? If you have 50/50, I can understand, that would be expensive! If she is mainly at mom’s, I’d just keep a couple outfits at your place and let her wear them at mom’s and at school so she gets to wear them 
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Stop acting like jealous children. They’re HER clothes etc her wear what SHE CHOOSES no matter who’s house she’s at. Let her mom try playing games and you ignore her and keep taking care of the kid.
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I would just send her over in clothes you don’t care about. That’s what we have to do with our little. His mom has a bad habit of letting him get dirty the days I send him over in nice clothes. And then they are always getting washed for months before they finally make it back home. I’ve started sending him in sweats and tshirt. I get where you’re coming from don’t let these rude people above get to ya.
A situation I experienced many years ago was similar buy not as extreme. The bio would keep all new clothes and only send the kids home in old or too small items. So I purchased a bunch of simple but decent, low priced plain tops and bottoms that I wouldn’t mind never seeing again and would send the kids back in that. This way they were NOT in unacceptable or poorly fitting clothes but we were not continuously losing costly or wanted items to her short visits.
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When she goes back send her in the clothes her mom sent and when she’s there put the clothes y’all buy on her and post pics they would know who does what for the kid
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I would be thinking about it from child’s perspective x I have these lovely clothes but can’t take them Back to mums
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Send her home in what she comes to yours in. Keep the good clothes and shoes at your house.
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Shouldn’t the bonus mum be packing a bag for the stays , just write it down etc adventualy the kids going to grow up and out of clothes etc, you guys know what you do for the kids just stuck to that
I don’t understand why she doesn’t have clothes at your house? It doesn’t make sense.
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If you are buying for the child to wear let them keep amd wear them i dont get the issue 
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Wtf is a bonus child???
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If the girl comes to your place in not so nice clothes send her home it what she came in keep the nice stuff at your place
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If the bonus mom wants to be a mole about the clothes issues photo graph items and KEEP ITEMS YOU BUY AT YOUR HOUSE… Had similar problem back in the day cone to find she was selling the new gear for her habits… Do Eisen up and document items and costs. At next court family meeting say something.
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We just make sure to send the kiddos back to mom’s in the clothes they were sent in… That way nothing mom bought for them will get lost at our house and nothing we bought for them gets lost at their house. We split time 50/50 though so we have everything they need at both houses. It’s a lot easier.
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Don’t stress about it… it’s clothes. When you have her dress her how you like. Just keep those clothes at you and his house. The bonus mom I’m sure has clothes at her place. If it’s a day she gets her from school just make sure she’s not wearing something you’ll get upset about if it don’t come back. As long as you continue to be mad about it. Bonus mom is winning. Don’t feed into her.
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What she wears is what she goes back in… if something is worn out she comes in, send it back letting her know why sd didn’t wear it back and send her back in something cheap (we hit up fb market place) and find decent clothes cheaper
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I only send my daughter in clothes she bought her, because she likes to play the same game.
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Stop sending her home in the nice stuff you buy. Send her back to her mom with whatever she was dropped off in.
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Keep the stuff you like that you bought for her at your home. Buy some cheaper, casual clothes for her to go back to mom’s in. This is a common coparenting struggle seems like. Not always done on purpose but in this case it might be. Sometimes I buy 2 of everything for this reason, just to make sure I still have one of something in case the other never comes home from dad’s.
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Been fighting this battle for YEARS… I don’t know that there really is a solution to the issue. I have tried… now that my youngest is older, I emphasize to her she needs to wear home what she wears there… but, she gets forgetful. I have actually gotten to the point where I intentionally send her in her play clothes on purpose… that way her nice clothes stay home… 
she lives with me, I don’t get support bc my son lives with him… It’s getting better but it’s been a long long battle
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When my son used to visit his dad, his clothes or shoes never came back. So after a while I got sick of it and stopped sending him with anything 
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That’s a hard one because on the one hand mutual respect is needed in order to have a healthy coparenting relationship. But on the other hand clothes and materialistic stuff shouldn’t hold so much value in your life and it’s something that should be taught to children. They should though, take care of what they have and appreciate having it. I think the simplist solution would be to just have a conversation about the needs of each parent and how you can both make it work for each side. You can’t assume why or how the other does things so you just have to ask.
Not ideal but I bought clothes for both houses: his and mine. That way I knew most of the time he was coming home in decent clothes. The issue I had was their son needed the new clothes and they were about the same size. I eventually figured it out and sent some clothes for him to. 
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If the child is old enough to decide what to wear, let them have that responsibility. I would not buy more cloths just because they were not at my house. I also had one section in their bags for dirty cloths and they brought them home. Make it as simple as possible. If they like those jeans they need to make sure they keep up with them.
Of course it depends on their age. I started this around 6 and they were great.
I can’t believe she just shows up at her school to steal the shoes you buy her daughter! Honestly, it kind of sounds like she takes the new, name brand shoes to maybe sell them (if they actually are never seen again).
Basically, I agree with a ton of the other comments- take pictures of the really nice stuff and their receipts until this isn’t an issue anymore (she’ll get older and hopefully care about her nice things, and won’t let her mom take them!).
This isn’t the norm and shouldn’t be happening to your bonus daughter. Her mom is being ridiculous. I have 3 bonus kids and buy them so much nice stuff (as does their mom)! We just went though a huge custody battle and by NO MEANS get along, but I still don’t think she would send any of them back in dirty/ripped/outgrown clothes. They care about how they present themselves, especially at school.
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I have certain clothes at my house to send them back to their dads in. Even if that means they go back in the clothes they came in. If I send overly nice or brand new things, I never see them again
Went through same thing wth my bfs ex wife. When we got the children had them change from moms clothes into ours and washed moms so they are clean. Sent them back in what they came in.
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Wash her clothes that she comes in and send her home in the same clothes she came in. Every time.
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Honestly just start buying them at once upon a child name brand good clothes at Walmart prices that way when they don’t come back you don’t stress as much clothes get expensive we had the same problem for a while
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Wash clothes she comes in and send back with that outfit. Now sometimes you will encounter sending to school but I’d have her wear something that you won’t mind ever seeing again
I don’t want to be repetitive because a lot of people have said what I have to say. I just wanted to warn you that she might get the kiddo in on this when she gets older. the mom would tell her to stuff clothes or shoes in her backpack. Hopefully not!
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Keep recipet of purchases show the mediator or lawyer I mean she the other mom should be grateful your helping ugh it’s important the kids don’t take our negative energy it’s just sad
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Ummm… I understand the issue but try to look at it this way. They are the CHILD’s clothes. I’m sure she is wearing them at some point and mom isn’t hiding them in the back of a closet. Take pride in knowing she has some nice clothes to wear WHEREVER she is.
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Clothes was about the only thing my ex husband and I ever fought about
My ex husband doesn’t want to buy clothes for his house because he thinks the kids aren’t there enough to make it worth it. What they come home from his house in they go back in. He complains and I tell him to buy them stuff. It’s a cycle and one that will continue but here we are still asking it work that way.
Honestly I would wash the clothes she comes back to you in and buy a cheap but nice jumper for her to wear to her mums place and just always send her back in the clothes she comes to you in but cleaned and washed… that way the really nice clothes you buy her stay at your house and not get ruined at her mums… easier said then done yes but probably the only way and hopefully mum will wake up a little
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I always send my bonus son back in what he came in. Down to the socks and undies. The day he comes to us I wash them and lay them out in the same spot so he knows where to get them when it’s time to go to her house. he only goes every other weekend so I have him change after school that Friday afternoon when he gets home before leaving for her house.
keep those recipes and send them to her when she gets mad!
Keep the nice stuff at your house but send her in cheaper less name brand stuff, personally id take pictures of all receipts for the shoes and clothes you purchase as well as take pictures of said clothes and shoes before she goes to her mothers.
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Let her wear back what she wears when she comes to your hour and keep the clothes you bought for her so she has something to wear when she’s with you.
I had to start sending my child in stuff she had worn from there or cheap walmart stuff and good stuff stayed at home.
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How old is this child? At some point she will be dressing herself. This is all so. …
Stop doing it. The mom shouldn’t send clothes over only the baby. Keep the clothes you have for her at your home and send her back in the Cmc others she came in. No answer doe the checking out of school to switch the baby’s shoes… she’s just Low for that.
It’s a never ending battle just gets easier as they get.older
Keep receipts and take her to court and also get a lawyer involved. Her Mums is stealing. Don’t give her mum any warning about sending her to court either.
Wow so I’m not the only one struggling with this 
Send them home in what they came to your house in
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Just send her back in whatever she came in.
Definitely not the child’s fault… and she needs decent, in good condition apparal/shoes/coat etc. No matter what house she is in. By providing her w these essentials you are providing her w an opportunity to look and feel good about herself, to fit in w her peer group etc. Kudos to you for taking this child under your wing…Not a whole lot you can do about the Mother without unintentionally hurting the child…hard as it may be…just keep putting that child and her needs first and ignore the mother. That kid KNOWS who does what, believe me.
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Stop sending her in nice stuff only send her in the same crappy things they do.
I know it sucks but sometimes you just need to go get some cheap thrift clothes for the days they go over, my son always gets sent back in clothing that doesn’t fit him anymore it’s super frustrating
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This SAME THING happens to me with my kiddos. The last straws were my kindergartener getting sent to school in shorts and a t-shirt in 20° weather and his girlfriend stealing my older child’s winter coat to wear for herself!
Now, I just send them over in clothes and shoes I don’t care about, and/or clothes they wear from their dad’s. That seems to work for us.
You and your husband should go for custody
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What’s a bonus daughter, bonus mum? 
Step?
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Keep receipts, and wash the clothes she wore back home.
Look around in groups or different apps even and see if she is selling the stuff. Sounds like what she is doing. What an awful person.
Send her back to her moms in the clothes she sends to your house in
Keep records of what you buy it sounds like she is trying to cause issues and this is harming or will harm you bonus daughter. Get her in therapy to deal with her crazy ass mom. And go to goodwill to buy some clothes that are decent so they are not expensive when you know she won’t be with you.
I’m in this same spot, she’s even tried to say that something that is hers is ours and it was too small. Honestly my focus is the kids, I spend a LOT of money to make sure they have what they want and look nice. It is frustrating to see her getting so much child support, driving a brand new keep but somehow can’t afford shoes that fit them. I throw a lot of stuff away and tell them to have their mom call me if she needs to ask about something. She never does, but she knows how I feel about their clothing.
My friend has the same damn issue. Every time she went them to dads in clothes that fit they would return in old clothes that didn’t fit. Had to start sending them over there in whatever he sent them back in. So if the kids came back with no coat and sneakers that didn’t fit, that’s what they wore the next time over. The one day her son came from dads to football and another mom said “nice floods” to the kid in front of dad. It was THEN that dad went and actually bought a pair of pants that fit him. Just keep sending her back in the clothes that mom sent her in. At the end of the day, you have proper fitting weather appropriate clothes at your house for when she is there. The mom can talk all the crap she wants because, your mans character will speak more volumes than her mouth ever could and, the daughter will learn and figure out the truth for herself that her mom is just spiteful and talks out her ass and that her dad is a good dad who loves her and does everything that he’s supposed to.
Send her in what she comes in…
Wow people are self centered ass holes. Apparently not about the kids. We have gone through that. Nothing about the awesome kids.
I went through this with my son and the judge actually told me whatever my ex husband puts on him to come to my house is what he wears to go back to my ex husbands. I’m like you, I always wanted him to look nice when he had to go visit but I never got any of it back. Worked out great once I did what the judge suggested.
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Get a lawyer and go to court if it bothers you so much. Tbh, you just sound like a petty snob.
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I’ve been this girl please just ask the girl what will make her life easiest she will always respect you for it and to cover your own butt take pictures there is a time stamp app so it’s more acceptable for court if need be
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We fought this for at least
10 yrs we are a blended family and were both single parents with full custody when we married. Between his ex and mine we have probably dealt with any and every situation. This was a big deal at our house. Always a fight about it . I know its frustrating and seems like a huge deal to you now, but I promise you in 5 or 10 yrs it will seem so small to you but not to the children involved.My stepdaughter is 24 now with 2 kids of her own, she told me how she worried every time that we would be upset with her for not bringing her clothes home and she would try to tell her mom but then she would get mad that she was making a big deal about it. It was such a huge deal in her mind that it ruined her weekend sometimes. What I’m getting at is , its just clothes, you can always get more, but you wont have this time back. Also we kept a drawer of decent but less expensive clothes to send them in when they went to visit her.
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Keep proof of purchase. Take photos.
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May I ask why you can’t keep any at your house even if you keep it in a small tote? I wouldn’t send her to school with any of the clothes you buy. Or send her with her mom with any clothes/shoes you buy. Keep tabs of what all you buy and put it in a note book with the price and date. And write if you or her mom has them. To keep track of everything. I’m very sorry.
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Either send her back in the clothes she came in, or buy some cheap clothes from a thrift shop that she can wear back and forth. Keep any and all good clothes. Mom can get her in decent clothes while she has her. Keep all the receipts or have a notebook with everything y’all have bought her, receipts would be more solid.
I hate petty people like this. I feel bad for the child and her father. Sorry people sometimes THRIVE on making others miserable.
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Similar situation…I send her home in what she has worn here even if it kills me seeing her shoes too small etc…buy our situation is mom has a narcissistic personality and if it isn’t something that is in regards to her (mom) she could care less, she will argue about everything and turn in into something about her that has nothing to do with the child or the issue.
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We had the same issue for years. I just told myself, those are material items, I wasn’t going to fight over it, I just want my kiddo happy. But, I was just careful what I sent them in.
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Take pictures of her during drop offs / pick ups. Document what she’s being dropped off in and keep receipts for what you buy her. Also maybe go to a thrift store and buy some decent but not " great " clothing as back ups to send her home in if mom doesn’t provide nice clothing for her.
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I hope the child hears none of these discussions can’t imagine how that feels to be a child and worried your clothes are going to start arguments. Kids don’t understand the Who paid for what and why it matters. I hope both parties just get over this pettiness. Maybe as much as it sucks and is because the mothers failure but the father may need to step up and buy her a wardrobe for the mothers
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My family has been going through this for years. I buy the kids nice clothes/ shoes. They wear them home and never wear them again to our house. They constantly come over in raggy clothes that are too small. I usually just suck it up throw out the stuff that is too small and get new ones when needed.
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I go through the same thing with my grandchilds mother, we raised my grandchild we have her in nice clothes we buy her nice stuff because she earns these things. Her mother sends her over here in the crappiest clothes you could ever find I don’t even know where she gets them because she never buys clothes for her. It’s so bad this seven year old grandchild takes her shoes off and leaves them in my truck when I take her home so she has shoes.
Take pics of the clothes with receipts since she is insisting she bought them (it saved my SO some new outfits back in the day). I also had that issue with my ex’s ex. I would buy them nice clothes from yard sales or goodwill or find the really good clearance sales and those were for when they went to BM house. They still looked nice but I wasnt spending near as much money for what she was going to steal and replace with the holey, too big/small clothes. We also had pairs of cheaper shoes for mom’s house and our house because I totally understand $50 a pop times 4 kids gets expensive fast. Do you have it in your CO where your parenting time should not be infringed upon? Neither BM can/ could pick up during school hours unless the school calls in an emergency and couldn’t get hold of Dad.
Some mom’s are petty. So just keep loving the child. Ask how she feels about this. The mom needs to do the same. It’s not who got what it’s about the child.
That sounds like my stepsons mom. We buy clothes for him and she would send him back in clothes 2 sizes smaller than his actual size.
Well I had that same problem with my son and his mom so finally I didn’t let him take any clothes over there but the out fit he had on when he left
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My friend went through this with his ex, and it was so bad he took her back to court. Now they state that the kids must return to the other house with the same clothes they arrived in. It’s super petty but what they had to do for the kids sake. Maybe you can work out something like that? Take a pic of the kiddo before they leave and ask her to return them in the same clothes? And you can start by returning them in the same clothes they arrived in so that you aren’t losing item after item
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What is a bonus daughter ?
Toxic co-parents will exist to the end of time. But the stuff the kid needs and ignore the rest. I get it. We’re blamed that the other side can’t get approved for a mortgage but the original relationship ended over 15 years ago. Don’t let another’s bad behaviour affect how you live or the love and standards you set for the child.
We had to deal with these issues also. One time my stepdaughter came over for the weekend with just roller skates for footwear. Just try to do your best and love her and don’t say anything bad about her mother. I loved my stepdaughter and she loved me and I was one of her caretakers (the other her dad) when she got cancer. She’s been gone 24 years now and I have wonderful memories of the time we spent together. I always wished her mother would put her first. But she didn’t. Good luck.
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I think this is a common trick. I have the same experience. And she even tells us that she took the clothes shoes or coats to a consignment shop and sold them. She then sends my step son into the world in rags. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do except send them back in “moms” clothes. But even that is difficult and sends a sad message to the child.
Pettyyyyy. It’s just clothes
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First and foremost check in with your daughter, this is probably taking a psychological toll on her and you seem very caring, decent person, she probably does trust you and will let you help her but she should have a voice in this. Definitely keep receipts and document as much as you can if there are disputes about ownership. And just because I haven’t seen anyone say this, and I don’t think there’s any reason to be judgmental about it, everyone has their issues, you’ve mentioned expensive and coveted items like brand new shoes going missing as well as erratic social behavior. There could be a drug problem here.
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Send her back in the same thing. That’s her mother
That’s my son’s father. We also have different styles we dress our kid differently & he still wants to keep the nice clothes I buy him. He thinks because he pays child support he can keep them but when he drops him off it’s with clothes that are too small. I constantly have to ask him to give them back. Once it piles on. It gets annoying but his clothes will be a lot more used since he lives with me.
Send her over in the stuff the mom bought was and store the stuff u bought so she can have it when she comes over. Also take a pic of her when she arrives each time just in case. And ignore the moms bullshit
Keep doing wwhat you are doing i know the little girl really loves what you do for her and when she can she will tell you been there myself
Ive been through this and its beyond irritating.I started buying nice clothes but cheaper so if they didnt come back its not as big of a loss. Unfortunately you cant do much unless you go back to court and add it to the court order.This will continue until she gets over her issues and that maybe never.One thing to keep in mind is the child will see things on her own as she gets older so be the bigger adult and dont fight or say bad things about her mom because it will just hurt her.You cant force the mom to care or even act like an adult.I can tell you your daughter will see it for what it is and will love you and appreciate you for it…You can buy nice clothes and shoes for cheaper and just send her with certain things that didnt cost much.If you choose to say anything have it come from her father.If it turns to a huge problem then go back to court and resolve it.
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Start putting the childs initials in every item of clothing with a sharpie and change the color on the month you buy them. Keep your receipts in a box. My step sons mom would take clothes back and get cash or credit. Once I figured out what she was doing I started using the sharpies. She was pissed about it but nothing she could do.
If mom isn’t selling the clothes I’d just take the clothes that are torn and throw them out eventually she won’t have anything but her nice clothes. If they’re still decent shape clothes just older and worn donate anything you deem not up to par. Tell mom kiddo doesn’t need 2 whole wardrobes and to keep some clothes at her home and you’ll keep some at yours.
We go through this as well. I just try to send back in what was sent to avoid it but we have been through it with her mom sending in no shoes and no coats multiple times.
Sounds like my bonus daughter and mom…anyhow what we buy for her to wear remains at our house. She returns back to mom with what she brings and thats it.