So I have a four-year-old son, soon to be five, starting kindergarten soon . he is mixed. His dad is half & half & I am black; my issue is that my son is confused about his race; since his skin is like an olive skin tone, he thinks he is just white. He says it all time; he says he doesn’t want to be black, just white. I’ve tried to explain to him that he’s both races, but he acts like it’s a problem being black. I have had family members talk to him; I don’t know what else to do about it. Does anyone else have kids that are confused about their race?
He may just just need a little more time to comprehend that he has been blessed to be more than one color. After all hes only 4 years old… Hes so little! But keep up the great work mom!
Maybe try to find some informative children’s books you could read to/with him? I’ve seen a lot about acceptance of different races and it may be a good start?
Or try to introduce him to things that would interest him about his black culture/history.
We are all full Puerto Rican’s who vary in shades drastically lol so since my son was 3 he was constantly expressing he’s a different culture
As he got older books definitely helped him understand. We recently purchased this book n it’s awesome!
My skin, Your Skin. Where do… My skin, Your Skin. Where do genes begin?: Scott, Devon, Scott, Keonna: 9781736765302: Amazon.com: Books
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My child is mixed and confused about his race: Advice?
Try teaching him more about the different parts that make up his genealogy. Make foods from the different cultures and experience music and art as well.
Just keep telling him how amazing the black and white that’s in him is amazing and hopefully he’ll realize it’s true
Why must he choose any? He is four. Let him say whichever he wants. Not that big a deal unless you make it one. Just tell him he is perfect as he is.
Just let it go and drop it for now. Don’t force it. Let him get to school and make new diverse friends and figure it out. He will.
I have biracial children and my youngest daughter went through that. She’s very very fair and looks like she has no black in her at all. She wanted to be white like daddy. I asked her does she love me even though I’m black and she said yes mommy. I told her then you can love that part of yourself too. I just kept telling her that’s it’s ok to be black and whites because that’s how god made her and she should love every part of herself because he made her this way.
I struggled with this when I was young. Mostly because I was made fun of quite a bit for being black and having a white mom. It is so sad and my heart hurts for you. There are amazing books out there. Also, maybe try and surround him with other black kids. It may help. He may have seen or heard something to make him feel that way. This world sucks butt right now. Prayers for you and your little one.
He needs to learn that it’s not his race; it’s his ethnicity he’s confused about.
I have biracial boys, both have different skin tones and different hair textures. They are aware of their ethnicity but we do not focus on it. The color of their skin does not define them. Turn your focus onto what he is excelling in, what his strengths are, how kind and well mannered he is, how to be a good friend and how to make friends, encourage him to love himself for WHO he is not for what he looks like. This world separates races and focuses so much on color and ethnicity that we forget WE ARE ALL HUMAN and have SO much more depth than just the pigmentation of our skin.
My 6yo has questioned his color and race.
Maybe he is just to young to comprehend. Best of luck.
Tell him he is mixed and identify as both .
I’m mixed and my hubby is white. All my kids are mixed and all except 1 is whiter than snow:rofl: it’s not that big of an issue. He is 4. My 5yo is white passing with red hair. Ppl think I’m his stepmom. He doesn’t care. He just is. We don’t allow any hyper focused on race. All the couples that live around us are biracial couples, successful, positive ppl and that is all my son sees. He sees it as normal that everyone in everyone’s family comes in different shades.
He’s 4 so you can’t really make him understand. All you can really do is show him the beauty of his black heritage and eventually come around and realize his multicultural background is beautiful.
Please join the group ‘unlearning racism.’
They’ll be able to guide you better. These color-blindness comments are nonsense and very racist!
Sounds like you upset that he prefers to say he is white instead of black like you ,to the point where you are having family members talk to him .it’s just a phase next year he might say he is black than a short time later mixed …he’s not even 5 yet .let him grow up to be a good person and not have a race shoved in his face
Though i may sound crazy… Or out of place to fit into this discussion cos am black and from africa and in africa, but will just suggest u try to make him be around more black kids and see more kids friendly Black movies.
My son is 10 he is half black and half white up until he was about 7 or 8 he used to say the same things as your son no matter how many times I explained to him
Express how black is beautiful. I myself am mixed as well. It’s hard to fit in sometimes but my mom kept saying black is beautiful and so are you everyday!
My son is going through the same thing. But he’s like 10… but he swears up and down he’s not Mexican he’s just dark white idk what to say or do or think …
I would get some great children’s books… there are a ton out there! Also toys, crayons, etc.
Maybe figure out why he doesn’t want to be black have a talk with him about that because when I was that age I thought black people were just dirty so maybe it’s something simple I’d just ask him why don’t you want to be black and go from there
Is your son currently in pre-school? Is he around other black children other than family. Sometimes when they see themselves as different from all of their peers they feel something is “wrong” with them.
My son is half white and half Asian- I remember when he was in kindergarten he told me he didn’t want to be white. He wanted to be dark like his dad. I was a hurt hearing that as I wanted him to love himself…both sides. As he got older he figured out who he was and is content with both sides. He is now 23 and continues to embrace both nationalities. Hang in there mom he will come around too…maybe he’s just figuring it all out.
He will most likely outgrow it, my son used to cry if people asked if he was Mexican and say he was white!! Now that he’s older there’s no confusion or crying
My kids are white and Hispanic everyone comes in different shapes and colors I try to make my kids understand that even though they are alittle different they are still awesome no matter what anyone tells them
My kids are black and Hispanic. I don’t use the term half black or half Hispanic. I tell them they are black AND Hispanic. I voiced this to both of our families early on. They celebrate both cultures.
I’m mixed and was around both my families and whenever someone asked as a kid I would say I mixed but it didn’t mean anything to me until I was in high school haha. I think he’s just a little young to fully understand.
That’s a big concept to figure out, your friends and family look different and you feel it. I think the best thing is to have open discussions about it to help him sort it out. He doesn’t need to be black or white just a kick ass human!
I am wondering why it’s a big deal if he wants to be white he could be wanting to identify as a pony at that age. All he needs is to be assured he’s beautiful important and good.
my friend is the mother of a mixed race child and step mother to a 7 year old black child and he also struggles with his skin and says similar things about wanting to be white or take his skin off they’re just little kids, it breaks my heart they feel this way
Growing up mixed, it was hard for me to understand that I was black, not because I didn’t want to be black or ashamed of it. It was hard to understand because people would look at me differently when I told them I’m mixed because in reality I’m more then just one race, buy growing up I was pretty light skinned( still am today) It came to the point where my dad would be so upset at me when he said “You’re black” and I use to reply " No I’m white and mexican." Because that’s what I was White mexican native and black. But now that I’m older I learned to embrace all my cultures. My advice to you is just to be patient it’s going to take time for him to fully understand him self and understand that he comes from multiple races, which is an awesome thing. Teach him about his cultures and just be there for him and listen to what he has to say. He will understand it just takes time.
My son is 5 and he is Mexican and white. He is only a 1/3 Mexican because his dad is half and half. He doesn’t understand what it means yet but as he is older I want him to learn and appreciate the culture/heritage of all his races that he is born with. Just give your child time to learn and understand what it all means
Omg. I am so thankful to see this post. My daughter will be 4 in September and has recently made comments about her skin. Her Dad is black, I am white. She said she wants to be white like me.
I hurt both times. She is extremely close with her Dad and his family. As well as mine but all I really have are my Grandparents. She is so beautiful and I want her to know that. So I told her…
Mommy and Daddy fell in love and we made you. You are half Mommy and half Daddy. You are beautiful. There are soooo many different types of people in this world and all of us look different, but guess what? We are ALL beautiful!
I didn’t know what else to say so I am going to be reading these comments
He is 4… kids dont think like that yet. He sees white so thats what it is…kids are very literal at this age. He will get it
YouTube a love the skin I’m in in beautiful type of video
My youngest is mix as well. Her bio father is African and I’m white. Her bio father hasn’t really been involved and her step dad is white along with her 3 older siblings. She was confused as well around that age. One day we were in subway and I asked her if she wanted white bread or wheat. She has hearing difficulties. She blurted out real loud, “I’m not white” lol. Then she switched to just being black. Now at age 6 she lets everyone know she’s both black and white!
Perhaps placing more emphasis on his content of character rather than his skin color or choice of identity may help… we are one race. The human race.
I don’t think at 4 even 5 a child really understands race. Like stated above they are very literal at that age so he probably isn’t even grasping the race concept and going off of what he sees. My son just told me he was “pink” the other day and he is 6 now.
As they get older they start to accept what they are & embrace it. It could simply be that he has friends that are white. My kids are white & black, i refer to them as both always. There have been tines where they wanted to be more white or made comments about how they look… my best advice is dont shame him for it. I wouldnt have people or family constantly push the issue or constantly lecture him that hes black. It can further the issue or feelings that he has. He will grow up & learn to love himself mama, kids are many times confused & trying to find themselves. I would correct him very simply when he says it , but dont press the issue or bring it up constantly. He will be okay & embrace it on his own💛
He will outgrow this just leave him alone
It doesn’t sound like he’s confused about his race. It sounds like he’s had someone in his hear or he’s been exposed to anti black propaganda. Does he have free reign of social media? youtube, tik tok etc? anyone in his life that’s telling him he should be ashamed of his skin color? Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to be black? I’d start there.
I would focus on letting him know that we all bleed the same color. That we love everybody no matter what color their skin is and his skin and your skin and Dad’s skin and everybody’s skin is beautiful.
Try not to put too much attention into it as he is still young. Kids say a lot of things that they want to be or are it’s normal. If you focus on it I think so will they. My daughter when she was 5 use to say she was white because she was very light skin, she still is now. Even though me and her dad are Mexican. I’m just dark and he’s light. Now she’s 11 and says it proudly that she is Mexican American. She didn’t know better back then. We would just explain to her what her race was but didn’t make a big deal about it. my opinion…
My daughter is mixed and we explained to her how she is get some books! They might help and I’d talk to him again ask him why he doesn’t want to be just to see where his head is at and go from there he might be identifi with white because he looks white it can change as he grows too your doing a great job momma I wouldn’t worry about it too much he’ll get it just keep talking to him It could be he just doesn’t understand too
At this age let him do what he wants.
Just tell your child how beautiful they are. And how loved they are because that’s what truly matters.
When they are older they may feel completely different about boing mixed. As long as you make them feel proud of themselves.
My children are half aboriginal, I make sure to have them involved as much as possible in their ancestry and culture. I think just encourage them to learn more about themselves and their family helps heaps. My kids tell everyone they’re black and deadly, they loooove learning all about their family heritage because I encourage them to be.
This is my grandbaby she is 7 months old and is also biracial everyone that sees her thinks she’s white but I sure let them know quick like and in a hurry she is mixed and beautiful
Im mixed (Black, Mexican, and White) and my sons dad is Mexican. My son calls himself peach (hes light) lol.
I think you should talk to him and see why he doesn’t want to be black. Its probably something innocent like black is nighttime and hes scared of the dark, but someone may be saying something mean to him. Even “good hair” and “good skin” comments can cause identity issues.
I have a mixed grandson my daughter is white and his dad is black he is 18 years old now but when he was this age he was curious why his mother was white and his dad black so they told him he was chocolate milk…he now understands
I don’t understand why a child that young would just want to be white, black, or anything. Sounds like he understands a lot about skin colour. I honestly wouldn’t force him to want to be anything. Just continue to tell him who he is and how great his heritage really is. Why he should be proud to who he is. Tell him how beautiful his skin is. Someday he won’t want to be anyone but himself. my 3 year old says he is brown and points out that I am white lol
Look up Steven Oliver slam poetry and his response to rasism helped my children out heaps but not till they where much older but should help u as a Mum
I’m thinking it may have more to do with what he hears from other kids… maybe internet… overhearing conversations. There’s so much going on today. I wouldn’t be surprised.
I had race identity issues when I was younger. But my family got a lot of that because my mom is white, my dad is black and we were all mixed. Harassed constantly. She moved us to where we live now to be around more diversity and I thank her every day for it.
Is he exposed to Black culture in any way? Museums, children’s books, music, TV shows with Black characters and subject matter are all great places you can start. Some are saying he is too young to understand race but he’s walking around trying to disassociate himself from his Blackness Is he in school? If so, is it predominantly white? Is he around any Black children or family members? My children are young but they definitely know who we are because we celebrate our blackness, and not just in February Approach this matter delicately, is my advice. There are subtle ways to teach him who his he. Good luck to you
My daughter is mixed. Well all of them .I have four but my youngest turned 7 not to long ago. She says she caramel. But there were a few times when she has said she wanted to be white like daddy. And tells me she wants to be white like daddy… but as She’s getting older she understands. How two different people of different color makes her a mix of both colors. And she’s OK with that. Just give it time. As they grow they will learn to love there self no matter what color they are. And happy in there own skin… And it won’t be a big deal. When my 13 year old was little she wanted white girl hair. She want through hair cuts and straight combs trying to get that look. as she got older she still don’t like all the curls that much.she but she excepts it. And know that it’s who she is. With some reassuring once in a while from mom.
Poor baby! No 4yo should be concerned what color of skin he is! Honestly may be a good time for therapy to find the root of this problem. Maybe someone somewhere is saying something to him to make him think such things. Could also just be a phase as well… Also remind him that he is a handsome young man and that skin color doesn’t matter. Also if he watches YouTube or anything on TV or videos make sure you pay attention to what he is watching. So many things are hidden in videos now and you need to make sure the videos are appropriate.
Yes, I am white his dad is black and he has literally said out of nowhere while I was driving that he wished he was white. I pulled my car over and had a conversation with him about how he is both races. That he should never feel that way to always be proud of who he is, he’s perfect. He was about 6 or 7 when he said that he now almost 9 and has never to my knowledge said anything else about it.
Just talk to him and stay open with him.
If it makes you feel any better, my son is fully white… and he wishes he was black
Tell him the truth and teach both
Teach him pride in both
Both my children are half Hispanic/Italian and a whole bunch more stuff. My older Son struggled a lot identifying. He was too white for the Hispanics and too dark to be white… My younger is very dark and tells people he’s brown, if someone calls him white he looks at his skin and will correct you. I never correct my kids. They know their background and I allow them to identity as who they want to be. I hope at some point they learn all about themselves and embrace every where they came from.
Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to be Black?
Honestly who cares? He’s human! Leave him be🙄
My kids are half white and half Latino. It was funny when my now 9 year old as sked my cousin if her baby was Mexican or Honduran. He is blonde hair blue eyes. My son was 5 at the time. My kids seem to understand but they range from 4 to 17.
Have you tried to understand or ask why he doesn’t want to be black? If you can figure out where it’s coming from it might be easier to help ease him
Oh poor little guy!!! I would look for a bibliotherapy children’s book at the library or on Amazon that addresses a child being of multi-race.
I got a couple several years ago when in college for early education that addressed things like: death of a friend, dentist, bullying, glasses, doctors, parents having a new baby and stranger awareness for children. I also got one last year about wearing masks.
I’d assume they’d have something about being of mix race too. Good luck!!!
My kids are half black and half white. I have 3 - 4, 6, and 8. They haven’t ever mentioned anything about their skin color but we also don’t see color. We also live in Johnson County, KS and mixed families are common.
I have noticed my oldest always has a favorite player or singer on any tv show competition and they’re always black.
Hopefully your son loves and embraces the beauty of being unique and loves that he is both black and white!
My daughter is mexican and when she was younger she hated being “brown” but she has grown into it now
First of all… please, he is NOT mixed (dogs are mixed) he is biracial and you need to educate him at his age/intellectual level on this because He needs to know that his skin color is beautiful! My nephew was also confused at this age and his GiGi told him he was Caramel! Love the skin you are in an treat people how you want to be treated.
I can understand why he feels pressured to be a “color”. My daughter, who also has olive/tan skin color, came home from her first day in kindergarten crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn’t make any friends. When I asked her why, she said, I didn’t know who to play with. The white kids were playing with the white kids and the black kids were playing with black kids. That was the first thing she noticed on her first day of school and it broke my heart. I told her you can play with anyone that you want to. She’s in 3rd grade now and has such a diverse group of friends.
What exactly does your family talk about at home? He is five and sees colour. I can understand questions over skin tone but he knows races? Mmm interesting
Why not just leave it? My 4 year old nephew would tell me he’s not a cat if I told him he was a cat… It sounds like he’s got confusion between the COLOUR (so he sees his skin as white) and can’t even comprehend the race.
My daughter is 3, and I am white and her father is black, she calls herself brown. I’ve explained to her why she is Brown, and that the baby in my belly is brown too. She kind of gets it, but her main things is sometimes she gets sad that I am not brown like her, or that she isn’t white like me, because she wants us all to be the same color. What I do that seems to help, is explain to her that people are all different colors, and all colors are beautiful, and that she should be proud of her color. And then I tell her that she is “brown” like her other mixed race cousins that she loves so dearly, and that normally cheers her up. It’s just a very confusing think for young children, he will outgrown it.
My oldest nephew is the same exact way your son is. And my nephew is 11. It helps if you find books about it and read it to him.
Mine are mixed and 3 out of 4 of them you couldn’t even tell. In all honesty I don’t even care how they feel right now because they are too young. Once they get older I’ll explain kore
My niece and nephew that r mixed …he will soon be 11 …I’d say he is technically correct either way lol. But my nephew…he kind of uses it to his advantage when necessary…with this crazy world it’s like he senses when to say he is white or when he is black…but he prefers and corrects folks that he is Brown and “brown lives matter”!
Biracial children seem to have a harder time finding their social identity. My husband is White and I am Mexican our two children have said the very same thing. My kids look like they belong to white people. You would never assume they were biracial. My son from the age of 5 to like 7 would say he wasn’t Mexican and only white cause of his color. My daughter is 7 and up until a few months ago she refused to be white and only Mexican and she is lighter than her brother. Embrace his cultures good show him that being a color doesn’t define you.
I am sorry does it matter if he feels “white” or “black”? My son is “mixed” too and we dont see skin color but the person on its own
Could you have like a culture day? With you black family member doing hair cooking food talking about history etc.
My daughter is mixed and for the longest time she said she was just white. She has the prettiest color and I tell her all the time that she is who she is and it’s not like she can change it so embrace it and be happy she don’t have to work for her tan lol eventually she just grew out of it lol
Colour is an issue if you make it one.
As a mixed person myself I can honestly say this is very normal. I was always confused and wished I was one race or the other. You don’t feel as if you fit in on either side. The best thing you can do is just make him feel loved and supported.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My child is mixed and confused about his race: Advice?
I can’t relate at all but it might be worth speaking with a therapist to get advice on this. I see a therapist for parenting support sessions and they’re incredibly helpful.
Ugh that’s so rough. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of this though. Remind him that he’s perfect the way he is but I don’t believe that will be enough. Hear him out without interrupting him. Find out a what’s going on at the root of the “internalized racism”. Someone may be bullying him. (I’d hope not)
I would explain to him that no your not just white but both & tell him theres nothing wrong with either & u want him to know & learn from both cultures. I would go to the library & find books on your black culture & books on going white & mixed…maybe a few movies on it too
My oldest went through that when he was younger. We simply taught him not to see skin color. We taught him to see people. My youngest is being taught the same. I agree above. Remind him he is perfect exactly as he is
I have biracial children we call it caramel JK! I am whole is a good children’s book on Amazon about this it explains it better.
I’m Scottish /Irish and my husband is full Mexican, we have always told our kids they where Spanish after fathers side-but we thought them both of our heritage. Same with our grand children who’s father is black so they are also very light skin but if race is referred too it’s always fathers side is dominate, we have different celebrations to show how each culture is different and yet we are all the same. Love is what our foundation is based on. Hope it helps.
I would tell him he is not just white but very unique. He gets the best of both races to be a color all his own.
Well just the word race I think it’s not appropriate… multi culture maybe…and doesn’t have to be about skin colour but more about his origins. And later he can choose where he thinks he fits the most or become his own little person whithout thinking about skin colour
My daughter was the same way around that age. We just didn’t bring it up unless it came up and then continued to tell her she is both and both are beautiful… perfect combination… things like that. She is currently 10 and seems to be embracing it for now.
I’m mixed and my children’s dads are white. When I had my daughter she was scared of black people because we really weren’t around them. We were around my moms side more then my dads. I continued to bring her around darker skinned friends and stayed consistent to let her know it was okay. She is only four so it’s hard for her to understand what it all means but now she isn’t scared and has the purest heart. She tells me all the time how she loves everyone and how everyone is beautiful.
Perhaps reading some books together about why he is special to be just as he is. Along with some books on confronting racism. It’s really a normal response to living in a white supremacist culture. It’s best when you talk about how these things openly but at a child appropriate level. Counselors can definitely help you with this too. Be gentle with yourself.
I have a full white daughter.
A daughter that is half white 1/4 Mexican 1/4 black
I have a son that is half white half Mexican and a step son that is half white half Mexican. I always tell them what they are and how proud they should be of their color and that they are so beautiful and we teach them their dads Mexican heritage. My oldest daughter who is full white feels sad sometimes that she isn’t mixed with anything. Hearing us encourage the others to be proud of their skin makes her feel less beautiful and it was hard for her to except that she is perfect & should feel proud too. She finds her comfort by saying her & I are the old balls of the family. It’s hard but I always try to make them all feel proud of what they are. I hope this world is kind to our beautiful mixed babies. They are special & the best of many worlds all in one body
I’d try to figure out why he has a problem with being part black? That doesn’t seem like something a child should care about unless someone made it an issue. My son is mixed (black/white) and fair skinned. He’s too young to really know what race is and we’re not going to make a big deal out of it but we do have to catch ourselves (me personally, I make a big deal about him having easy to manage hair and him getting it from his dad) when he gets older so he doesn’t feel that he’s better for worse than anyone because of how he looks. Maybe start watching age-appropriate multicultural shows with him so that he knows skin color doesn’t really mean anything. You also have to teach him that he may be treated differently, for better or worse because of his skin tone and that’s not okay. Character is always more important than color 100%. Best of luck.