My ex-husband re-married à few years ago, and since then, they make my children call his wife “mom.” I have talked to both of them saying that I am the only mother they have (they’re 8 yrs old now- twins) and therefore they should stop that. But no matter what I say or do, they insist on having my children call her “mom.” I have been heartbroken for a few years since this happened for the first time. There’s nothing that can be done legally. Has anyone dealt or have been dealing with that, and how do you cope? My ex let her stop working, and now she is a stay at home stepmother. I need to work. She spends more time with my children than I do. My kids complain that I am not with them enough. And again, there is nothing I can do about it either. I hate seeing my children refer to another woman as a mom. She tries to parent my children. I even had a social worker involved to no avail. Any thoughts or advice? Thanks
Don’t let your bitterness ruin what you have with your kids. I understand that it hurts that they call another woman ‘mom’, but since there’s literally nothing you can do, except drive them away from you… Just think of how lucky your kids are, that they have another person who cares for them. Don’t let this come between you and your kids. 
When I remarried. I put the choice in th child’s hands she was 10 told her if and when she was comfortable calling me mom I was ok with it. If not then calling me by my 1st name also worked.
Befriend her, grow, you have to evolve with your blended family.
Be thankful your kids have an extra person in their lives to love them.
Maybe then you will find compromise in your situation.
Good luck to you!
My children did this also. They are twins as well. I don’t like it. It hurts. But I want my kids to be happy so they call her by her real name in front of me but mom when they are with them.
Shes a bonus mom. Theres nothing wrong with that. But I do find it wrong if they are forcing the kids to call her mom, that should be their choice
I think there’s two way to look at it. You should be happy your kids have a person they love and loves them back when your not around. I’ve been in the same situation and it’s hard but it will only hurt everyone’s relationships to be negative about it. Alot of times for kids it’s just natural to call a mother figure mom and kids have the best judge of character , if there happy you try to find a way to be more comfortable 
While I understand your feelings, I would be thrilled if my kids were lucky enough to have two women who loved them, who they loved. So many kids live with step-parents who tolerate them or abuse them. The thing about love is that it doesn’t get divided, it multiplies. Your kids can love you the same (even being sad they don’t get to spend as much time with you) and love her, too.
But again -I do understand those feeling of insecurity and hurt that they call her the name they’ve always called you.
I do not know why you feel that way my husband and I raised 5 children together he had 2 and I had 3 I was the step mom but his kids always referred me as there mom but they knew who there real mom was it’s not about you or your ex it’s all about the kids and how they feel get over it they do not live you any less and they know who there biological mom is if they feel comfortable with calling her mom too let it go my kids are in there 30’s now and are all close to their siblings even if they are not blood related because we never treated them different left them feel comfortable with what ever they feel is right
Not to sound rude, but perhaps you’ve had no luck raising hell because it (and she) isn’t as bad as you’d like to think? If your wording is 100% honest and they “make” them call her mom I would understand being upset. But at 8 years old, I believe your kids would refuse or make a big deal about it if they were uncomfortable with it. Honestly, it sounds like your kids have a great relationship with their stepmother, and that’s something to be grateful for. Embrace the positives that adds to their life. Being a mom is exceptionally difficult because sometimes the best thing for your kids can hurt you to the core. But them having a stepmother in their life that cares for them like her own and that they are able to love is a great thing!
Be happy they have 2 moms ! Youll always be first, remember that.
You said “she tries to parent them” but she is their STEPMOTHER she has to parent them! People who think step parents shouldn’t do anything with their children are ridiculous. You should be lucky she cares about them enough and loves them enough to parent them instead of treating them as a burden to her and your ex husbands relationship. Be thankful! Have them call her by her name at your house. You cant control what goes on there if it’s not illegal or endangering. If the kids are being forced to call her mom then dont you think they would stop at your house. It sounds like they want to call her that because she is their other mom. A bonus mom!
Are you sure they dont want to? If they want to let them. Your bitterness is only taking away from your children. No one else.
Well this is understandable in this situation I used to have my son call my husband Daddy Ben so no one got their feelings hurt talk to them my sister in law raised my nephew’s and they call her mommy Allison . See if they would be ok with that. It helps but know u r their mom and no matter what and NOBODY can take that from u . Be strong keep ur head up
Oh… I’d be livid. Hell hath no fury livid. You’re gonna have to think outside the box and get creative. Good luck!
They shouldn’t make them. That is wrong. However, sounds like coming from the kids she is an ok person. Be grateful for that and that she is good to them. Many don’t have that. I know it hurts and hurts bad. Try to find the good in it. You will always, always be their mama. She is just a bonus one for when they are there.
Are they being forced or did they do it on their own. My kids call their step mom “mom”. Doesnt bother me. It just shows shes obviously really good to them and she loves them like I do. Or they wouldn’t call her mom.
I went through this at first I hated it but as time went on I accepted that she is there step mom and after very horrible rocky start we all get along now and co parent and I appreciate my kids step mom 
A social worker? Seriously. Wow.
You should feel blessed that you children love their step mom. In their eyes they have two moms. She will never take your place as their mother. My step daughters mother also felt the way you do. She asked me if she could call me mom and I said if that’s what you want to call me that is fine her father had no problem with it because he saw we had a close bond. Well her mother ruined our relationship being on that bitter shit. She held her away and everything. To this day we are still rebuilding our relationship as I dont get to see her much because her father ( my husband) travels for work.
My stepmom sucked . Legit . Abusive drunk that made sure my dad lost everything. She wasnt a good person.
Sounds like your kids could possibly have found a good one . Have you tried talking to her ? A real honest talk ? No bitterness, no bashing …just a real talk ? Maybe it could bring some light to your situation. Who knows you could come out feeling really good about having someone else who also loves your kids… just a thought
She’s married to your ex… As long as she’s not being shitty to the kids, quit being jealous.
As long as she isnt hurting your kids and treating them well i dont see a problem. 🤷 if shes in their lifes nothing you can do honestly.
That’s their stepmother . And do they make them or the children choose too? It sounds like you’re the one with the issue that they have another parent figure to love them .
I doubt they’re being forced. IF they love her they probably do it on their own. There is nothing wrong with them having a new person in their lives to love them. I call my step mom mom because to me she fills that role as well as my biological mother. I am blessed to have her in my life.
Trust me be thankful that she loves your kids and kids love her.
My son step mom treats my kid like hes nothing. I rather have another women figure that loves my kids.
Try your best to have a relationship with her for your kids. Always think of the kids feelings first. Think about how happy they would be for everyone to get alone.
As long as they know your mom I dont see an issue them calling their step mom mom. I grew up calling my step mom, step mom. I didnt wish to call her mom because shes not my mom but shes another mother figure if sorts. I personally would feel hurt to at first but I think when it all comes down to it as long as shes good for them and they care for her more love is only good.
That would hurt if my son called any woman other than myself mom. No matter how good they are to them. I’m sure he wouldn’t like them calling another man dad.
I don’t really see it as too big of a deal, but they shouldn’t be forced into it. Maybe talk to your girls and get their actual feelings on it and try to talk with their dad depending on how the conversation with them goes. If she’s good to them though it isn’t bad, you should want them to have a step mom that they love and love your kids though.
There’s other loving names they could call her but mom is your title.
Having another woman who loves my kids and treats them like her own is very lucky!!! My kids stepmother and I have become very good friends because we put our kids first!!! Your kids are truly lucky to have Two moms who love the unconditionally !! I believe that because my kids have a environment where we all get along will help build the people they will grow into in the most positive way!! And I like you work alot while she gets to be a stay home mom and doesn’t change my feeling or my kids toward me they understand that its just me and I have to provide for them.and don’t love or see me less… so maybe grow up a bit put your selfishness or jealousy aside and make friends with her and put your kids needs over your jealousy.
Sooo when I got with my husband me and his baby momma Alison Elizabeth Lee was on amazing terms and our daughter calls me mom. We look at it this way she has a bonus mom and a bonus dad. There isn’t anything wrong with the kids calling her mom but if its forced upon the kids then that’s bad it should be what the kids wants to call her rather her name or mom
My daughter was forced to do the same thing except with her dad’s girlfriend and she only knew her for like a week when he dad forced her to. I told her it’s up to her. It’s whatever she feels comfortable saying. I can’t make that decision for her. If she wants to then that’s fine but I had to make sure that she knew that.
If the kids WANT to call her mom, let them. That is a legally married woman to your ex. Befriend her, welcome her into your family, make her FEEL welcomed. Do NOT bother a social worker over a fucking term 
The way I raised my 2 girls, that would never happen. I am their and there shall be no other. I fully understand the hurt, just let your kids know there is nothing like a Mothers love
They prob tell you that they’re being “forced” so that they don’t hurt your feelings because they know you don’t like that they call her “mom” don’t project that onto the kids, she is their “step mom”
She’s their mom too. Their step mom. And when you’re at work she steps up! I would be thankful that I have someone who loves my kids enough to want them to call her mom taking care of my kids. They must be in good hands! She has accepted the full package. I’ve seen cases of the evil stepmom. It’s terrible. -Jordan
I have a stepdaughter she is now 14. To strangers I call her my daughter and she does know that. She is also adopted, my husband’s x is not her biological mother herself, my husband adopted her. The x has a cow if my daughter calls me mom. We have told her from the beginning call me what you are comfortable with. My name is Casie she calls me Case. That is cool with me.
Time to grow up honey. Of course you’re their mom but wouldn’t you rather them have a stepmom that loves them than one that treats them like trash. I highly doubt they make them call her mom. She’s been in their lives for years, get over it. You seriously called a social worker because she loves them and they love her? That’s pathetic.
My parents divorced when I was 5, and my father remarried and I by choice called my step mom “mom” and I call my biological mother “mama” or “mom”. My step mom has and still is good to me she is a true blessing. There is never anything wrong with more love for a child in my opinion. Are you sure it is forced and they aren’t just saying it is forced so they don’t upset you?
I feel if your kids are comfortable calling her mom on their own then you shouldn’t make them feel bad about it. Now if their being forced to call her mom that is a different story and not acceptable. I myself would feel just as upset if I was in your shoes but as mothers we have to put our feelings aside for our babies. Maybe ask them to call her by her first name when they are around you.
Are your kids comfortable calling her mom? If the answer is yes, than stop being jealous. Be happy they have another mother figure they are comfortable with! My kids call my husband dad, ajd their bio dad, DAD. They call me mom, and once in awhile call their dads partner MOM😵 .
I dont care what anyone say my kids would not be calling anyone else mom and if I get a new boyfriend there no way I would let them call him dad i think it is very Disrespectful I would have no problem with them haveing a relationship with the other Partner but they for sure need to know there place and if you have Told them that it bothers you they should Both respect that I would be pissed and than I would explain to my kids you only have one .mother and you are. Not to call her mom
Don’t let your bitterness destroy their relationship. Children have their own relationships, when you talk bad about another person to them that loves them, it will cause friction in their relationship. They’ll end up confused and distant. Your feelings are valid but they’re also not real. Befriend her and be genuine about getting to know her better.
My step son started to call me mum after his brother was born. It was never about replacing his mother and i never asked for it. I just let him do what he feels comfortable with. I raise and parent him 50% of the time and have for years… just rmemeber their loving her and calling her mum doesnt take anything from you. Support her and i hope she supports you too. Its all for the children 
As long as she’s good to them
Imo, I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is let them decide. Let them know that it is ok to like their step mom and to get along with her. Like it or not, She is part of their life. Unless your children are in harm’s way, encourage a healthy co parenting atmosphere. I remember telling my daughter it was ok if she liked her dad’s gf, now wife. They know you are their mother and no one can replace you. But it takes a village to raise a child. The step mom is part of your village now.
They can call her by her name she’s not their mom. Yes she’s married to their dad now, but that doesn’t mean she gets that title mom! Nope sorry! Not until the children feel comfortable I will not force my kids to say or do anything they don’t want period!
I don’t know how much time your 8 yr olds spend at your ex’s home but some things are out of your control and some things aren’t. As it sounds…they have said they want the boys to call her mom and they are doing it. You’ve even involved other people. You’ve done all you can and their father has visitation. I would say… to just give it time and space…and if the children continue to call her mom and it doesn’t seem to be affecting them…you might just have to accept it and love them. Don’t put the children in between adult disputes. If their father is being mean about it…they’ll let you know…verbally or by behavior. Maybe…you’re not quite passed the divorce and need a little counseling. Including the children at some point.
Establish to your children that you are their biological mom, step mom is a bonus one. This would be hard for any mother, and I’m sorry everyone is being so insensitive to you. The children come first but, you are allowed to have feelings and grieve something you feel is a loss. You don’t get time with them like you used to and you feel like your roll is being taken from you. Just remember that no one can take your place, keep loving your babies and cherish every moment you have with them. They know who you are.
A social worker for a step mom who takes care of your kids?
I recon the whole mum dad thing with a step parent is weird and wrong especially when a bio parent is in the picture but that’s just my opinion I couldn’t ever let my kids from my ex call my hubby dad just like i would never want my step sons to call me mum, Its weird. They have a mum and a dad already
If she is a mom to them it’s ok.
Have you watched step mom? You should watch that movie. Your kids don’t need your problems on top of their own. Your kids need as many allies as possible in this cruel cruel world.
Are they truly being forced? Or are you simply so hostile to sharing your motherly duties that they don’t dare admit they think of her as a mom? If she’s seeing them more than you, trying to help guide them through their developmental years, and is willing to love them like her own, it should be up to the kids what they call her. You will always be their bio mom. But she is their step mom and not the enemy. Good luck to you, may you let go of your jealousy and resentment.
That has to hurt any mother . I’d feel hurt too . I feel it’s one of those things you need to find balance. I honestly don’t even know what to say to this . Tough one
Uhm get over it? If she’s not forcing them and it’s their decision you should be happy she’s not an evil stepmom who is cruel to your kids. You’ll always be their mom, but there’s another mother figure in their life now and you can’t force them not to love her, they’ll end up resenting you.
Social worker to no avail… there is your answer… there’s nothing in it… I’d be grateful that she loves and takes care of them 
Just be blessed that they love her enough and trust her enough to call her mom and she loves them in return. They know the difference no one could ever replace you and in time they will understand all your hard work is because you love them.
I’m sorry you feel upset, any women would!! But work hard and focus on your happiness! Kids will remember the good times and as an adult understand! Don’t let them calling her mom upset you. You are their forever mom!! Just be happy she’s helping so you can work…the grass is not always greener on the other side…
I feel that you should be lucky an greatful theres another lady in your kids life who loves them just like there own,
Dont be bitter it will push your kids away, they know who you are an specially know who she is so be greatful an happy, otherwise you will forever be miserable,
I have been with my step kids since they were babies , my husband and I have been together for 6 years and married 3 years they are 6 and 7 years old ( he has to other children who are 10 and 12 and they don’t call me mom ) . But the 6 and 7 call me mom , we never forced it but they heard my 2 children call me mom so they just did , their mom doesn’t like it . So they call me by name around their mom. my kids call my husband dad ( but they don’t know their dad )
Maybe they could come up with a very special Bock name for you — the goal would be to make it easier on them and do it in a warm way. Sorry for this - it would break my heart too. Just handle it well and know your kids will see thru it one day. When you’re with them - make sure they are your w tire world. Try to take days off as much as you can. I’m with the lady above who said don’t be bitter make yourself better Easier said than done I know… hugs momma!!
If she’s a good mom just like you there should not be a problem with with you about that ? Would you rather have her secretly abuse your kids and be a bad step mom ? Or would you appreciate her and feel like you have a good person in your kids life .
Unfortunately you don’t have much control over
This
It’s definitely messed up that this is happening
But unfortunately until their dad realizes it’s messed up nothings going to change
The only thing you can really do is remind yourself that your kids definitely no better and no one’s ever gonna be able to take your place no matter if they’re being called mom
My daughters dad was out the picture when she was a couple months old when she was 2 an half going on 3 I started dating this guy an we were serious we moved in together an she started calling him daddy on her own he raised her since 1 but we didn’t move in for yr or so later her we both would tell her he wasn’t daddy an would show her a pic of her dad but to her my bf was daddy an her bio dad came back in the pic when she was 7 an is off an on with her so an im not with the guy any more we broke up after our son passed away but she calls them both Daddy black or Daddy jochy an the guy who raised her still takes care of her him an his girlfriend we have a really good relationship an with the bio dad as well we all have gotten together its not bout us its about the kids involved her bio dad has 5 other girls so she is the oldest of her sisters an her dad that raised her my sons father has 2 kids with his girl an they included my daughter as there big sister so I call it a bonus family
Step parents are parents too.
It isn’t how you feel it’s how the children feel. Sorry it sounds harsh but it isn’t about you. I’m pretty sure it hurt my mom when I started referring to my stepmom as mom. But in the end it was how I felt to have a second mother. And now that I’m older with my own child I can tell my mom is happy that my bonus mom was in my life and that my daughter has multiple grandmas to love her.
You’re their mom regardless. It doesn’t really matter what they call her. I sympathize with how you’re feeling & it sucks that you feel this way, but in the end, if she is treating your children well, you’re going to have to let this go…
Be happy that someone loves your kids enough that they are comfortable calling her mom? I get that it is off putting in some ways, but they know who their mom is and they know how hard you work for them and that you love them. The more people who love your child on that level the better of your child is, the safer your child is, the happier your child is. Stop fighting over a word, or find one that you are comfortable with, maybe your momma and she is mom, or ask them to call her momma (insert name).
Why is this weird? My step-daughter has called me mom a few times, and I’ve only been in her life less than a year. She is 17. My oldest used to call the babysitter Mom! I grew up calling my close friends parents Mom and Dad. I didn’t call them that to shame my own parents, I called them that because they helped raise me too! I am a Mom and any kid who calls me Robyn or calls me Mom is gonna get the same love and nurture from me!
Are they really being forced into it, or does that make the pill easier for you to swallow? Coming from a step mother- she is a parent. She should be respected as such. My step son started calling me mom on his own about a year and a half ago, I know it kills his bio mom, but I never forced it on him and would never crush his heart by telling him not to call me that. That’s his decision. She’s obviously doing well in her role as stepmother, otherwise they wouldn’t feel comfortable calling her that.
Yes if that what happining just go along with it they will (Your twins) Will love you for it making it easier for them ( they feel your feeling it also make them feel sick inside)
They’re 8. They’re not being forced, they’re willingly calling her mom. Sorry bout you.
Just be thankful she’s a good stepmom to your children, if stepmom wants the children to call her mom it would be fine with me. I see nothing wrong with it.
As hard as it must be on you, you need to put your children’s best interest first. Don’t make them feel uncomfortable or like they did something wrong. This is adding unnecessary tension and guilt to your kids while the ex and his wife isn’t bothered.
Stepmom here🙋♀️. We have custody of both children. I’ve been in their lives for the last nine years, they call me Mom, they call their mother Mom. I love those children as much as my other 4. Their bio mom has absolutely no issues with it. I feel like if she is a good mother figure to them it shouldn’t be an issue. Be thankful that your ex has found someone that accepts and loves your babies almost as much as you do, if not the same. It’s very healthy and they are old enough to know the difference. Would you rather her treat them as outsiders?
Oh just stop! How petty!!! Such a small matter! It takes a village to raise the children if she is good to your children so much the better! Your jealously does not wear well on you!
Your kids will never have another mother. Period end of story. She did not give birth to them she is not working hard for them everyday. But, She is there for them. And as much as that sucks you will either have to accept it and know that your kids will have a positive relationship with someone else who they call mom, or you will stay bitter and resentful and drive a wedge in their relationship with their father. You don’t need a social worker to help you with this you need to go to group counselling with your ex and the new wife. Holding on to these kinds of resentments are about your ex not the new wife. By the sounds of it your hurt (and maybe jealous) that she’s living the life you didn’t get with him with your kids and your feeling pushed out. And that’s a fair feeling to have, but to stew in it and to have it spill out into your kids life is not fair to them. Mom to the new wife is a name, but when you are a mom it’s a heart badge. You can’t be replaced ,in their hearts, even if it feels that way… I’d go do some talk therapy over this and work out the underlying reason.
Ok LADIES
My 2 brothers call our stepdad by his name. When in public we refer to him as our dad, our stepbrothers are brothers to us.
Why are you so offended by this? (Seriously asking) is she mean to them? Does she not treat them like her own? the way I look at it is if she is a parental figure to them and she loves those kids as if they were her own what’s wrong with him calling her mom If she loves them like a mother. Also I think a lot of people think that calling another person mom or dad takes away from the love their children have for them. That’s not the case, your children love you all. You don’t get any less love you’re not a mother any less because I call her mom. Think about it like this each person has their own pot of love they’re not taking out of your pot to give to her.
I don’t agree with making them call her that, but if they want to it should be ok. You will always be their mom and they know that, she’s no threat to your position in their lives, so it should be their choice what to call her.
If the kids don’t mind calling her that, then there isn’t an issue. the kids are more important than your feelings.
It isnt fair in the least but if you guys share 50-50 then that’s the other parent. If shes babysitting whike you work though maybe try to hire a sitter?
They very most likely don’t want to call her mom. Trust me when I say that they know how much it hurts you. Just tell them 5hat when they are at their daddys house you dont have a say but they will grow to be kind wonderful people and all this mess will be in the past
I understand you… it’s hard for her to see that her kids telling her mom… I know how the feeling going… u feel like you lost ur husband and you don’t want lost your kids too why? Just because he got new wife? Your the mother… the kids is having only 1 mother… not so many… tell their father to stop… you are the mother… not she… if he don’t like it… stop visit… let him visit the kids to your house… if he really want to see his kids… 
My ex-husband remarried and my children call his wife mommy Renn and me mommy Jenn, they don’t love you any less or anymore then her. They know who their “real” mother is, at first it was a little hard to get use to but when I see their little faces light up having TWO mommies that love them! How can you not want that for them. Once you realize it’s all about the children your entire prospective changes.
I went through that with my daughter and it hurt me like crazy. But someone explained to me that it made my daughter feel like she fit in better there. Dont worry when your child turns into an adult they realize . Your best thing is bite your tongue and it all works out in the end.
I’m a step mom and I don’t see the big issue with the children wanting to call her mom. Now unless you have solid proof they are actually forcing them to get mom then you should just let it be. I’ve been in my step daughters life for over 7 years, she started calling me mommy when she was about 2, her mom was absolutely angry about it and forbidden her to call me mom and even went as far as to yell at her child for doing so. My step daughter is now 8 and has wanted to call me mom but her mom said that I’m not her mother and therefore she can’t call me mom. However my step daughters mom lets her call her boyfriend dad. Now my husband doesn’t care that she does that but finds it very contradicting that she’s allow her daughter to call him dad and won’t let her call me mom. Anyways I think if it’s the kids wanting to call her mom then let them.
They have one mum that’s you I wouldn’t have my daughter call anyone else mum I find it disrespectful of her (to you) letting/making them do it xx
You need to explain to your kids not to call her mom… that your they’re only mother. Your kids are the only ones that can put an end to this.
Wow. That’s just not right. Remind your ex that you and he made those babies before she was around! Maybe entertain a discussion about a special nickname for her instead… ?
I’m sorry.
Don’t try to impose your will on those poor kids, it’s not about you, that woman deserves and had earned the right to be called Mom. Stop trying to keep putting the manure into that families life.
May have to inquire why husband has full custody, and not you ???
Okay, step mom and bio mom here and I am and always have been a step daughter! IF the child is being forced then THAT is wrong. I agree 100% on that. If the children are doing it on their own accord, then drop it because she is doing something right by them. I have 4 step(bonus) children, 3 different mothers. 3 VERRRRYYYY different personalities. But 2 oldest want nothing to do with me because their mother hates me and believes her stories. While extremely heart breaking because I love them. It’s out of my hands. My step son, calls me mom, and also calls his step dad, dad. His mom is the best and easiest to communicate with because ITS ABOUT THE CHILD NOT US. My youngest step daughter on occasion calls me mom, or I’m her Sammie. But she also tells everyone she has TWO moms. I treat ALL of my children, yes my children, the same. Not once have I or will I ever ask them to call me mom, because biologically I’m not and while I have little to no respect for two of the three moms, that is one thing that should be respected.
IF BY CHANCE you are hung up on something, let it go! Please just let it go, history is in the past and can’t be changed and what needs to be focused on is the now and future. I’ve watched my husbands ex wife destroy his relationship with his daughters because he finally found someone he wanted to marry(and finally divorce her after 8-10 years though she was with someone for those 4).
Move on from the past, is she genuinely loves your children and is willing to protect and teach them. Honor and adore that.
I am the “step mom” I have been in my daughters lives from when they were 2 and 4. They have never called me “mom” until recently, I’d say maybe 2-3 years ago. Now they are 19 and 21. I never understood why BMs can’t just be grateful for good SMs. Instead of saying thank you for taking care of my children while I am not around and for not being the “evil step mom” some BMs always seem to find some THING wrong
Nobody ever replaces you as their mother.
I don’t think they should be forced to call her mom, if they choose to that’s different. I have two stepsons I’ve been in their life for 12 years, they don’t call me mom
A step parent is a parent, especially if she’s their primary care giver while at their fathers house, so she is allowed to parent them while they are there.
You just sound jealous and bitter. Be happy they have someone and co parent.
She is one of their mums, sorry she loves them, looks after them, you yourself say she spends more time with them, sje foes the mum stuff when the kids are with them