My Ex Is Threatening Me About Dating Other Men While I Have Primary Custody of Our Daughter

Relationships
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QUESTION:

My ex told me I wasn’t allowed to bring any other man around my daughter: Advice?

Me and my ex-boyfriend have a 1-year-old together, and now that we’re not together (I left him), he says he doesn’t care if I move on (we haven’t been together in months), but he says no guy is going to be around our daughter…

I have her 95% of the time. How am I supposed to move on when he threatens and says, ‘have a guy around my daughter and see what happens’? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on because, basically, he won’t let me. Need advice! Thanks!

RELATED QUESTION: My Ex Is Constantly Causing Drama and Trying to Make Me Jealous: What Should I Do?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“None of his business. Until there is a court order that states this, there is nothing he can do about it. Obviously don’t have a bunch of men around, but if you meet someone and at some point feel it’s going somewhere and he’s going to meet your child that’s your decision.”

“Get a restraining order because he’s threatening you and then do whatever you want because you’re a grown woman and being an ex means he no longer get a say in your life.”

“While I don’t think he should give any say so, it is wise to be cautious who you let come around your children. I think your ex is more scared someone will hurt her as oppose to being controlling. Maybe he can watch her while you go on a date. If not, then you will know it’s just not about her being safe. In that case, write everything down, that way when you go to court it will be well documented.”

“No man should be around your child until its serious anyway. You don’t just take your daughter around any man you date. Why would you even want to??? Stop worrying about finding a man and worry about what’s best for your child.”

“The number of people justifying his threat is concerning. Unless she has given him a real reason to be concerned, he has no business telling her what she can and can’t do whether he likes it or not. A child isn’t an object for control…”

“You are communicating too much. Your conversations should almost be like a professional setting and do not need to be extensive. He still has control over you and he is trying to not lose that. You don’t realize how much freedom you have now. Make Your conversations through text only.”

“He’s your ex-boyfriend; it’s not like you have a separation order that says you can’t have a guy around your kid. That being said, I would wait till you are in a serious committed relationship to introduce your child.”

“Not his decision. I’ve been a single mom since I’ve been pregnant. My son is 3 now. I have made the mistake of introducing a guy too early and the relationship not work out. I suggest either finding a sitter if you would like to go out on dates or have your date go to your house after your daughter is in bed asleep. Don’t introduce anyone to your child unless you are confident the relationship is serious and going somewhere… I suggest waiting at least 6 months. It’s easier to just introduce them right away but try to wait until you find the right relationship.”

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103 Likes
2

I think u shouldn’t have men around your daughter unless its serious. I don’t blame him.

7 Likes
3

He is a control freak…move on

3 Likes
4

Tell your x to pack sand. Where does he get the right to deside anything for u. Isnt he the ex

4 Likes
5

I never had men around my daughter when I dated. I always took her to the sitter and went on dates. She didn’t meet my now husband until we had been dating for 6 months and I did a background check. I strongly advise not having men around your baby she can’t talk or defend herself

1 Like
6

Um last time I checked he’s not your boss. And yeah don’t bring every dude you fuck around but if it’s a serious thing then of course he’s gonna meet your kid eventually.

10 Likes
7

Report the threat to police

4 Likes
8

He can do shit. U have a right to your own life.

9

It’s about control. You’re ex is trying to control you with your daughter. I would contact an attorney.

9 Likes
10

Dont just be bringing guys around at random. If ur talking/ in a relationship after 6mo to a yr then introduce the guy to ur daughter. Honestly if the ex is making threats gp to court and have a court order done so he can’t just take off with ur child out of spite.

13 Likes
11

So basically you will never date again?

1 Like
12

He is power hungry show him he is not in control

8 Likes
13

Tell him to fuck off and you do you!! He can’t control what you do with your life!! You are allowed to have kids and date :woman_shrugging:t3: I wouldn’t bring every Tom,dick or Harry around but if you find someone you like enough it’s not a big deal!! And if he still has an issue save his messages and file yourself a restraining order :heart:

7 Likes
14

He can’t legally stop it Bc my baby daddy ex tried that with their kid and court denied that but I wouldn’t bring just anyone around til you know for sure

15

He needs to kick rocks! I do agree that you should be selective and not let just any man you’re dating be around your daughter. If you’re in a relationship that is progressing into something serious that is another story. He has no say who you let around your daughter.

2 Likes
16

Why is this even a question? Tell that dude to go fuck off. You can date who you want. Just don’t put men first and don’t bring shit men around. Make good choices.

6 Likes
17

He’s being immature and jealous. Regardless of how he feels, you two will have to learn to co parent together. As well as acting like adults around step parents. Go ahead, let him act an ass. Document everything. And when you go to court (DO NOT NEGLECT TO DO THIS!), tell the judge what he’s doing and show him your documentation. Don’t argue with your ex about it, tbh don’t tell him sh*t. Just sit back and pay attention. Play your cards right and you’ll be fine, I promise.

6 Likes
18

He is not allowed by law to have any say. It’s your home, nothing is his business.

19

This is where grandparents and babysitters and dads visitation times come in handy, while dating and trying to meet a new guy it is best not to have them around your children anyways until it gets serious, 6 months is a good starting point…and if by then you and child’s dad are getting along you can even introduce new guy to the dad. I respected my ex more when he introduced me to girlfriend before she was around my child.

20

Well you not gonna do a katie price so i say if man around after 6 months to a yr i dont see there a problem he cant control you through your daughter.

21

Tell him to pound sand.

22

Really? Out of all these comments only a few caught the fact he threatened her? Wow…

Listen, first you need to focus on your daughter right now, and yourself as well. Secondly you need to record and keep track of all these dodgy threats he whips out at you, seriously whats he gonna do? Break into your home and kick the guys ass while she’s there? If it does reach a point that you have been with someone for a bit and something does happen with the ex, take your proof and his sorry control freak ass to court and that be that.

Also if he’s saying no new dudes around her than same goes for him, no new chicks around the child. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and vise versa.

4 Likes
23

Well I somewhat agree with that, some women bring men around their daughters to soon without knowing them well. People who has been molested understand that. My sister’s ex had it in their divorce, no men around their son staying overnight unless was engaged or married. It is for the child’s protection. Wanna stay over night with the man go there. At least the dad cares about his daughter. It is not being controlling. It has nothing to do with you. I am sure the threat is he will seek custody, not aimed at you. By what you said.

24

Get a restraining order

1 Like
25

He’s being an overprotective father, and controlling towards you. Make sure if you’re dating somebody you’re dating them for a while you’re not bringing somebody around your kid after a week or two. And he doesn’t have to know everything about your life. You don’t need his permission to date anybody. I however think it’s a good idea to keep people away from your kids for as long as possible and enjoy dating them. That also gives you a chance to get to know them. Then when you introduce somebody to your kids no overnights at all. If you wanna bump uglies you can go do that somewhere else. Bringing a strange person into your child’s life is something big and shouldn’t be taken lightly plus kids get attached.

2 Likes
26

What is most important to you!! Man’s or your 1 yr old daughter???:unamused:

2 Likes
27

He can’t control what you do, however, it is not good for your daughter to be around a bunch of different men. You’re free to date no matter what he says, but just don’t bring them around her until you’re sure it’s going to last.

28

You can still date without bringing men around ur kid…

8 Likes
29

That’s a decision he doesn’t get to make for you. It’s none of his business

6 Likes
30

I just did it fuck what he says

1 Like
31

He definitely shouldn’t have threatened you like that.
However, I do get his side of it. I wouldn’t have a random stranger around my child either. Especially with all the sex trafficking going on in the world right now.

32

You can date without introducing your child to the men you date.
Sounds like he’s just concerned about what type of man will be around his daughter. I wouldn’t want my ex husband to have every women he is screwing around my children. I’d want to make sure this was a good person before they’re constantly around my kids.

33

Your child always is no.1 then you. You want to date and if your boyfriend except your child than it’s serious. But keep in mind that that it can always end, so be carefull who you brings into your life and your child. Your ex likes to have the control of you but he is not. So if he theatened you than you should take advice of your lawyer and also go to the police. Also keep a diary what happens when you 2 meet. If you just break up than you should be a couple of time alone. It is hard being a single parent but you can do this. Learn to heal and love your self. Then you will attrack mister right instead of mister wrong… like your ex

34

Seems like hes controlling cause you allow it. :person_shrugging: “Do it and see what happens” sounds like an empty threat to me. Also just because you find a guy you like doesnt mean they need to meet ur kid right away. Meet someone first see where it goes and then go from there. Find a babysitter. Not every man needs to be around your kids. Maybe thats what he’s worried about is you just bringing man after man around.

3 Likes
35

Firstly that’s threatening behaviour, which is a criminal offence! Secondly you choose to have a relationship with is none of his business. If you’ve been together for long enough & you feel happy & comfortable around him & feel the time is right to introduce him to your child that’s none of his business either. Sounds to me that he is bitter he can’t control your life. Good luck xx

36

He has no power to tell you that or demand that. You are given him that power. No with that being said, I personally wouldn’t let another man around my child until I was with them for a while and knew it was something serious.

37

Unpopular opinion. He may not have been right in using the verbiage he did or threatening. But I completely agree to not having random men around the daughter. Now once there is a trusting established relationship and you can be somewhat sure of the boyfriends character. That would change things. But a Dad protecting his daughter while you “date”. I completely agree with. Let him have quality time with her Dad while you do.

2 Likes
38

I don’t think he is trying to be a threat as I see it. I think it’s just the safety and well being of your child. My thoughts… anyways .

39

You are free to date, period. Only judge will order that, not any idiots exs. I dated one guy till his death with cancer been good to me and my sons that my ex will find anything to complain to judge about guy I date. Judge made it clear that no men with records that had violence against women and children. (Ex was arrested for domestic violence). So I am engaged to wonderful man now. Just take your time to know men first. Always check public court cases on people you meet.

40

Girl live your life. Don’t bring men around your daughter unless you in a serious committed relationship and it’s leading towards something permanent. Get a babysitter and go on dates. You can move on without Involving your child.

31 Likes
41

He doesn’t have a choice by law

42

That’s just one way for him to keep you from moving on.he has no say.

1 Like
43

Manipulative. Don’t stop your life because of his threats. Have your boyfriends and let bd bring the drama if he wants to. There are laws behind that kind of bs. Your baby daddy probably already have another women that he bring the child around already. Do whatever it is you have to do, so that you can live your life and raise your baby.

1 Like
44

Take your time . You have a child

2 Likes
45

File custody agreement n he can’t control who your friends are ? I’d not bring a guy over to stay night but going out n having friendships that’s normal guy or women friends he’s controlling !!

1 Like
46

I think a lot of relationships go through this. I would not take it to seriously “unless you know you should”. I would not buy tickets to the show. Just do you:) what ever that is! LIVE AND LET LIVE. We all have our thoughts and feelings when we split ways with the other parent … but the fact is he will be around your child’s whole life. I did not like my ex’s first girlfriend… but my kids did… that’s all that mattered to me. We are all friends now. I did not buy tickets to the show though;) and I’m sure that’s why we all get along as well as we do today

47

The honest reality in this day and age is that we ARE surrounded in predators. A child is 33 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED by a non related male. That’s a fact. Both parents have not only the right but also the responsibility to ensure their childs safely. Now, that being said, the reasons for interference by the other parent is based on their mental maturity and one has to hope it is for the childs best interest. You must be diligent in ensuring your childs safety and both parents should partner in this. I’ve done it so I know it can be done. Mothers should NEVER EVER have any new boyfriends around their small children! EVER! You have to decide how much of your child innocents and future mental well being you are willing to risk. And as ex parents raising children, you need to love your kids MORE than you hate each other.

5 Likes
48

That’s exactly what he wants you to believe… that you can’t have a life. Question is… Do you believe in possibilities? Don’t let him win, but be very careful who you do allow around your daughter. And definitely not too soon.

1 Like
49

Do you have a custody agreement? If not this is 1st and foremost the most important thing.
You should not bring a man around your child UNTIL you vet his character!
Boyfriend do not need to be watching your child while you work, take a nap or go shopping until you have been around him for awhile(6 months).
Also run their name through the watchdog!

50

Thing is he is threatening u and anyone u may potentially date. Document all of that cuz u may need it. Don’t delete texts or anything cuz of that. Now as far as dating…u do that but i wouldnt bring just anyone into ur child’s life. Children, especially young ones, get easily attached. U also dont wanna potentially bring a person into her life that isn’t a good one. That goes for anyone, not just boyfriends. Best of luck to you and i hope things turn out for the best.

1 Like
51

For a start he has no control over who U have around ur child as u don’t control who he does. U less ur child is at risk then there’s no law that states that they can’t be around a partner of either of u. He’s sayin it to control u and to ensure u won’t find someone. Maybe he’s worried about another person having a role in ur child life?? How would he feel if he had the same rule? I understand he won’t want random men coming and going around his child in the element of safety as I’m sure u would be the same. however if ur in an established relationship where u feel they’re ready to meet ur child then he has no say on that. And even then the best thing he can do is work with u and ur partner and maybe develop his own friendship with him. Maybe if u spoke to him about what ur both comfortable with when it concerns future partners. One of mine and my exes rules was to be with someone for 6 months before we introduced the kids purely to ensure we got to know the person before we added the kids into the equation. But everyone is different xx

52

It goes both ways…he can’t have other random women around her either…

5 Likes
53

Maybe try dating when your child visits with the non custodial father. My daughter is 27 and I didn’t even try dating until she was almost 18. I focused on being a parent and honestly by the time I worked all day, done homework, participated in extra curricular activities she was involved in, etc. I was ready for bed by 9😂. I was too tired and lazy to even attempt a relationship. I didn’t feel she need the confusion of seeing me with different men while trying to find the perfect one for both of us. It was well worth the sacrifices. Maybe try and just focus on you and your child. You could always just be patient because those tables will turn and I’m sure he will want a girlfriend at some point. What’s important is coparenting the child together and making sure it doesn’t suffer from the actions of the parents. Best of luck❤️

54

He has no say in what you do, you do What is right for you and your daughter.
If he keeps threghtening you then call the police and maybe able to put an intervention order on him.
I was also scared of dating after my break up as well because of his erratic behavior but I ended telling him I was bi and was seeing a woman, he believed me and that took the pressure off for awhile.
Good luck.

55

None of his business

56

Hes not your boss however he is expressing concern bc theres creepy dudes out there that prey on single moms. So no guy should immediately be around her. I was a single mom for 10 yrs. I had guys come over after my kids were in bed or met them during daycare time after i got off work. If they couldnt deal w it then oh well. My kids safety comes first.

57

Just imho, and not even considering the father, from someone who dated as a single parent, if you’re not talking about moving in together, you shouldn’t bring your dates around your daughter. Your child won’t deal well with men coming and going in your life. It’s not healthy for her and you need to be mom first and dating second. I introduced two at the year mark, because the guys pressured me to. I was already thinking it wasn’t a forever thing. When I did introduce her, it wasn’t this is my boyfriend, but more like my friend. No overnights and no kissing and crap in front of her. When I met my husband, it went from zero to living together in 5 months, so she met him fairly quickly. We’re married and been together over 4 years. I’m so glad I didn’t confuse my child during that time. It allowed me to solely focus on being her mom. I went on dates every other weekend when she was with her dad or I got a babysitter. You can still date successfully even when you’re the primary caregiver. Once you find your forever, set dad straight and take him to court if necessary.

58

It’s none of his business what you decide to do with your life and if you start seeing someone seriously it’s not up to him whether they see your daughter or not.

59

He is concerned for his daughter clearly, and thats acceptable, but is handling the situation completely wrong. As are you. Obviously, like others have stated, dont bring every guy you meet around her but if you you have met someone serious, introduce him slowly to your daughter and if your ex is a reasonable person, introduce him to your new fella also so his mind can be put at rest.
If your ex is purely being controlling, then I would say that you mght have left him physically but you haven’t left him mentally. He has no right to decide what you do. But please, do the right thing by your child. Statistically, she is at higher risk of abuse with a non biological adult in her life. Maybe that is your exes concern?

1 Like
60

Sorry but I agree to an extent. I dont think a child should meet either persons new partners until 1, its serious and 2, you know this person and build trust with them. I ain’t letting a damn stranger around my kid lol. Ask a family member to baby sit, or father to look after his child, then go on a date.

61

Personally I don’t think kids should be around a significant other in this situation until you KNOW that person is going to be around long term. I’ve seen the damage it does first hand (my stepson). Kids get attached and don’t understand when or why people just disappear.

62

Unfortunately for him what you do on your time is NONE of his business. I highly suggest once you meet someone you spend that time with him while your child is gone and don’t introduce him until you both are certain it’s going some where. Children get attached easily and you don’t want broken hearts PLUS some “nice” guys turn out to be weirdos.

63

He should’ve married you then… Da fuck!!

64

U have a ur own life and it dosent sound like his around his daughter if it’s only 5 % he has no say on ur life by law … move away from him if his not paying child support or sees her much dosent sound like he is

65

Just going to put this out there…move on with your life but be careful of the men you let in your life. Good luck to you and your daughter

3 Likes
66

In my divorce it was one year . One year of dating for both before you can introduce the children . He never followed this . So my kids would meet woman all the time sometimes really like them and their kids and than he would be done with them . Children should not be involved in dating or meeting someone your dating for many many months . Regardless of why he is doing … you as her mother should do the right thing… live a good life but always remember your daughter is more important than anyone else. What if you meet a guy … and he is great and your daughter likes him and than you brake your? And than you meet another nice guy … and brake up …? My best advice keep your home life and dating life separate until you are absolutely sure this is the right person for you both . Everything in moderation

67

Don’t blame him. No reason to bring men around your daughter. Get a babysitter.

1 Like
68

He definitely isn’t your “boss” but you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT be bringing any men shit or women for that matter around your child! Do you and be with whoever you want but leave that baby out of it… Just Google “moms boyfriend” or “dads girlfriend” and thousands of stories will pop up with abuse and murder involving these poor innocent babies…

1 Like
69

Too soon to bring another man into that child’s life…

70

Hes got no say in that. Sounds like he still wants to control you.

3 Likes
71

You better take care and focus on ur daughter my goodness men always ur problem are u going to die without men?

72

It’s none of his business and I’d be getting a custody order.

3 Likes
73

Tell them the same, they usually get over that pettiness once they start bring their girlfriend around. As parents you should trust that your child’s other parent would never but your child in harms way. It is a matter of maturity and having chosen the right one to have a child with. It is also selfish to believe that you or he will move on and that person will not be in your childs life. You do have to chose wisely and be selective. I separated from my ex and once I started dating it took me months to introduce my kids and they were grown but I saved that step for the right one. I did not introduce my children to all my guy friends.

74

As long as you’re not dumb about who you bring around the child, he has no say :woman_shrugging:t2:

3 Likes
75

Does he bring woman around your daughter at all.

76

He mean if he doesn’t?have you no one should move away if you can an let him have visit at his home he want to have his cake an eat it

77

None of his biz as long as you aren’t putting her in harm’s way

2 Likes
78

You want his other women around her??? I agree with him!!! No men should be around her unless you are in a very serious committed relationship with him. Also dad should meet him first!!!

6 Likes
79

Your response to him should be “you know I’m a good mom and would do nothing to hurt or put our daughter in harms way…I would not put her around anyone that would harm her woman or man!” And leave it at that…that would be my response to him each time he says it!

80

Why would you bring strange men around your daughter in the first place??? Find a sitter when ever you want to go out what’s so hard about that. This is the reason kids are molested raped and killed

5 Likes
81

Go to court and get custody because it is no one’s business who is in your life

82

Never ever bring a guy around your daughter unless the relationship you have is really serious. Don’t jump on it to quick then later he might not be the one and your baby meet him for nothing. Keep in mind your raising a little woman and u don’t wanna bring men in and out her life.

4 Likes
83

See this could be controlling but at the same time in this day having others around your children is scary. Too much messed up shit happening to kids

3 Likes
84

Muchos casos de violaciones o acosos a las niñas ocurren con los novios de turno y el ejemplo que le das desde bebe esque meter hombres a la casa diferentes cada vez es bueno y luego en unos años te preguntaras que por que es asi.
El lo hace por proteger a su hija de ese ejemplo y tu puedes conocer a quien quieras, pero no los metas a casa tan pronto o solo enfocate en uno y no busques que solo te de lo que quieres si no que te acepte con tu hija y sea responsable y de larga duracion. Si quieres seguir buscando por semana o por noche, deja a tu hija con su abuela o alguien pero que no vea eso mientras tu andas de fiesta en fiesta o cama en cama

85

He literally has no say in who you have around your kid. Just realize you won’t have any say either.

2 Likes
86

Go to court get visitation and custody set up. That way he can’t do anything stupid.

1 Like
87

You need to get custody. If you do anything he doesn’t like he can take you to court…thats what these ppl don’t understand. Make sure your ducks are in a row before you date. And only bring serious suitors around

1 Like
88

It’s none of his business who is in your life, it is however his business to know who is around his daughter and in her life. But he’s not telling you not to move on, he’s telling you not to have them near your daughter, which is a reasonable request. Until you’re serious with someone and you know them well they shouldn’t be around your child in the first place. Safety first. If tables were turned would you honestly want him bringing dates (for lack of better term) around your daughter?

89

I don’t know if you have a court order parenting plan, but if you don’t have one you should get one. I don’t know the exact details of his request and/or threats. All I can say that from my personal experience it’s best to try to reach an agreement between both parties.
If you both can’t agree on the terms of how fast you both should introduce a significant other, then you should have a parenting plan and spell it out in it.
My fiancé went through something similar with his ex-girlfriend. She demanded that he wait 1 yr before introducing any girlfriend to his son. And if he didn’t comply she would withhold his son from him.

When I met him we both had kids from previous relationships and we both wanted the same things. So we took her to court. She wanted to dictate many things whenever her son would visit. But in court she didn’t get what she wanted. My fiancé got his time without having to worry about her taking his boy away or any other forms of threats. Good luck and just think about what’s best for your child.

90

You can still date without your child involved…when it turns serious then things will change. Hire a babysitter when you go on dates or have a family member watch your child. Your ex has no say involved when the child is with you.

2 Likes
91

Us mothers need to stop bringing men into these kids lives. I just went through a 7 yr relationship. He wasnt the father to my 2 girls and when he walked away… he broke their hearts, they already had broken hearts from their dads. Plus you never know a person… you never know, dont risk it. I promise it’s not worth it.

92

I didn’t introduce any guy I was dating to my kid’s for almost a year. I wanted to make sure they would be around for the long haul.

93

None of his business. Until there is a court order that states this there is nothing he can do about it.
Obviously don’t have a bunch of men around but if you meet someone and at some point feel it’s going somewhere and he’s going to meet your child that’s your decision

51 Likes
94

Get a restraining order because he’s threatening you and then do whatever you want because you’re a grown woman and being an ex means he no longer get a say in your life.

33 Likes
95

How controlling, it’s your life. If you have that in text or any other proof, save that!

8 Likes
96

He has zero right to tell you who you can and cannot have around your child! Bet if you turn those tables on him and told him he wasn’t allowed to have any woman around your daughter he’d throw a fit telling you its not your business. So tell him the same. Screw him. He’s and ex for a reason and needs to stay out of your personal life.

5 Likes
97

He can’t tell you that. My husbands ex wife tried that and our lawyer laughed and said let her try. On the times she refused him his daughter we held her in contempt with the court. When I had my daughter his ex wife told him he can’t tell his daughter about her we called the lawyer and he said she can’t tell him what he does or says when it’s his time (obviously within reason no bad mouthing the other party no murder talk no robberies that kind of thing lol) trust your mom instincts when it comes to new people meeting your daughter just to be safe plus kids get attached really easy and it’s hard on them too when it doesn’t work out

3 Likes
98

Most judges would only agree to no over nights. Granted as a mother I don’t allow anyone around my kids unless we have been together for x amount of time.

10 Likes
99

He controlling ur life don’t allow that

2 Likes
100

He’s your ex boyfriend its not like you have a separation order that says you can’t have a guy around your kid. That being said i would wait till you are in a serious committed relationship to introduce your child.

6 Likes