Anyone else in the home (adult) act like this?? What is she seeing on TV/vids?And are you responding with anger/being loud/ugly right back? Ie., every single one of our actions as an adult teaches kids so much more than we know…
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Health visitors ??? Sounds like this girl needs a good SPANKING… our buttocks are NOT just for sitting
And yes i raised my boys and several of their friends and i have 8 grandkids and ALL of them are respectful and well behaved
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Um somebody is teaching her that. I’d watch my mouth and have anybody around her watch theirs too, also I’d go ahead and not allow screen time because that’s a good source for learned behavior. I’d also get a behavior therapist if you can.
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You are an enabler. You have been allowing your daughter to behave this way since she was two. I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought her behavior was “cute” at one time.
You need to put on your big girl panties and discipline her. Discipline her hard…to make up for the past two years.
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Children are a product of their surroundings. If someone is talking to you that way, or her that way, it’s because that’s what she’s seeing as “normal”. You’re in charge as the parent, start punishing her for bad behavior and reinforce the good. Speak to her how you would like her to speak to you. Remember, kids are people too and they need to be treated like it.
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I believe in butt beatings and that’s what my go to if my kids don’t listen when I’m stern! I have a 2 and 4 year old little girl and they are more than a handful. My 4 year old acts 14 already🤦🏼♀️
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Rules & consequences. Yes she is young but this could be a case of well if you don’t listen to what I am saying to you the n what’s going to happen is … no ipad, no treats. You have to lay the rules the longer you let her take over the harder it will become as she gets older. She is still young & now would be the time to try and set the boundaries. Dont give in as hard as it may be, we have to be cruel to be kind sometimes xx
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My boys abit similar, at this age they cant be diagnosed but read up on ADHD ive adapted some ways of thinking from ADHD am not saying she has it but do your research hunni
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My 5yr old does this but not on a consistent daily. He corrects himself once he’s been told that behavior is inappropriate and will apologize (Most of the time, sometimes it’s a tantrum). He was diagnosed with severe ADHD and now started medication… may be the case for your daughter as well. My son also went to a child psychologist and sat with them privately without his dad or I present. May be something to try for yours, if not have already
Those aren’t independent thoughts at 4 years old. She’s hearing some of the examples you used somewhere. Play therapy might be a good place to start at that age if someone in your area offers that. Also, I’d try turning the tables in those moments. Ask her how she’d feel if someone said those things to her or treated her that way. It may help make her think about the things she’s saying and doing.
Sounds like she needs discipline. If her actions don’t have consequences she will continue doing whatever she wants. Making sure she understands what the consequences are and sticking to it. Time outs, loosing screen time, loosing a planned activity, loosing a toy. Its all about consistency. And she’s old enough to have a conversation with. Explain to her why this is happening. Praise her for good behavior, use please and thank you statements. But stand your ground.
I’ve noticed that usually when kids are acting up there’s something wrong in their life. School, home. Could be anything tbh. I’d get her screened for adhd also. Could be that she is neurodivergant. Good luck mama
Go to a different doctor. I’m glad you are aware, some parents ignore it and by the time they are teens they are out of control. I truly believe there is a medical reason behind this. I hope you can get the answers. As much as we want to say best that behind…… it doesn’t work when something is underlying causing the emotional/anger that they can’t control.
Personally i would put her in mental health therapy and behavioral therapy to try to get to the bottom of it. We all have our own parenting techniques you’re not a bad mom so please don’t feel guilty. Sometimes kids just do this
My daughter has issues with her behavior and the one thing I have been trying to work on is my tone with her and how i speak to her. Im trying to work on myself as I am working with my kids and its hard, but with my daughter I ask her why shes doing what shes doing and if it was okay for her to do it. We as parents need to check ourselves first before we do our kids because then they are going to see that how we react is how they should react.
I’m going to level right now with you! I’m always being told how great my kids are, how respectful, how they are so mannered, yet there are days we are all crying bc of fits n outbreaks n crying, tantrums, you name it! I am vary strict, but I am also vary fun. It confuses the hell out of my kids! Their great at school, with others etc, but with me it’s a whole other story! We are now in family counseling n we are all learning to communicate n express n learn together!
You should look into Big Little Feelings, if you haven’t already! They have a course, but they also offer a lot of free advice through Instagram and on their blogs. They are real moms with toddlers, and they discuss everything. We’ve found their stuff pretty helpful (haven’t bought the course).
Consequences for her actions. I took everything out of my sons room except for books and a few other things when he was about 2 years old. Every time he did something “good” or “listened” to me he would earn something back. He could go pick a toy from the pile! If he misbehaved, I would take something else out of his room. He learned real quick!
Thats my daughter ALL the way, its been tough for sure. But she’s 7 now and not at bad as she was, and more loving! They said the same thing about us. I just would correct her and tell her what should have been said and it helps or how she should react instead of the way she did
limit what she is exposed to on tv, online, etc. If there are adults setting a bad example, you need to tackle that as well. The minute she acts badly in front of you, nicely ask her to behave more nicely. If she does not, remove her from the situation for quiet time in her room “until she can behave” (room should be free of toys/games/tv). If that does not helped, she needs to stay home with a sitter for fun activities until she quits acting up. when she is having a good day, make it clear that her behavior gets her privileges. Exercise positive actions as well as consequences.
Just to be on the safe side it wouldn’t hurt to have her evaluated. Looking into ODD/AHD. I hate labeling kids but getting her the right help will be beneficial. I know you have seen doctors, don’t stop until someone listens, advocate for her.
She needs professional help right now . She has such an aggression and anger in her . She may be desperately unhappy inside . Something is wrong. A little girl isn’t born bad . She’s going to hurt someone . She needs a rescue , your family does .
Is she always on electronics??? (No judgment) do u spend time with her 1 on 1? Is her dad involved? Id say she is getting over stimulated and so she acts out. Kids are so quick to get labeled these days (atleast in the us) it honestly thou sounds like SPD OR ODD. Maybe get her into play therapy or counciling or get her an assessment if you really don’t feel like it is a normal kid thing
I would read Boundaries for kids by Townsend and I would get her into a child psychologist. This behavior will only continue unless you get some tools to stop it. Imagine this behavior as a teenager or adult. It won’t be fun.
I would beat that @$$ every time she disrespected me. You should have nipped that in the bud the very first time. My daughter has autism but I have disciplined her since she was 2, before I knew she had it. No excuse for disrespect.
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Have her start seeing a therapist and maybe try something like martial arts. It’s a great way to teach kids structure and discipline.
You say she doesn’t listen. OK. But instead of words, what if there were immediate consequences, such as immediately be taken out of the environment she is in? The moment she starts calling people ugly, fat, etc. the party (for her) is over!
Children are sponges mama, Also all different so definitely maybe be gentle and confront a specialist good luck!
I would get her hormones tested. One of the 3 yo at my daughters school was the same way. Found out she was going through puberty at 3!!! Can you imagine all of those intense hormones in a 3yo 
they got her on hormone therapy and she’s much better now.
Don’t try and call this some disorder. Your child is a spoiled little brat and you’ve allowed this hateful behavior to continue. How dare she speak to you or other people like that . What have you tried ? No no now that’s not nice don’t do that . You’re going to time out . Bull Bust that butt I don’t mean beat her .She does this because you let her get away with it . Talk to old timers and they will tell you the same thing . Kid’s today are allowed to make to many decisions they shouldn’t be making and getting away with to much disrespect with no consequences to their outrageous behavior . That’s why you have 12 and 13 year old committing murder. IT STARTS AT HOME .
She’s 100% learning that from somewhere. It may not be from you, but it could be from YouTube, other people she’s around, etc. I’d find the source and immediately not let her be around it anymore. Also, discipline her. Even if you have to resort to spanking, it’s better than having a child who acts that way. It’ll only get worse as she gets older if you don’t put an end to it now, and once she starts school it’ll be a nightmare! (Don’t @ me over the spanking comment. You can barely tap a child on the thigh or butt and that’s enough. It hurts their feelings more than anything. There’s a HUGE difference in spanking for discipline and beating).
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Reruns of Super Nanny Jo Frost. I watched her the whole time I was pregnant and used her time out punishment and a few others. I have never spanked my child because I didn’t have to. The first time she was in time out, it took God to give me strength to continue to put her back every time she threw a fit to get out. But, after about 45 minutes she calmed down and sat there for her 4 minutes. I swear by Nanny Jo’s methods.
Kids repeat what they hear. Maybe you both should see a therapist. Read up on child psychology I am sure there is some thing in there that can help you. Teacher about kindness and love. Teach her about God. Pray for you both that God reveals what the problem is, don’t be surprised if its something you are unconsciously teaching her. Remember kids learn by example and copy what they see.
Every time she is rude or mean to anyone take away a privilege or a toy. If she is nice all day she may earn one back. She may end up in an empty room a few times but she has to learn that you’re in charge and allow her to have nice things/tv time, etc.
My kid was this was for so long. The exact day she turned 7 she decided she was grown and just-stopped. Almost completely. We still have occasional outbursts but nothing like we used to. We did therapies of all kinds. Medications. Time outs. Taking things away. Earning things back. Begging. Pleaded. Bribing. Crying. Yelling. Ignoring. All the things. Nothing, not a single thing, worked. So with that said, hang in there. There will be a breaking point. You just need to decide what your strategy will be and stick to it. I did find that giving options made the most difference. Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes. At the end, the result is the same but she felt like she had some control over something
Kids dont get choices lol not until they are teens. I have 2 boys who didnt start cussing in front of me until they were 18. My fear is when she says she hates you…that you might say it back…or when she hits you, do you spank her? I say this because I’m all for disciplining kids. First you ignore the bad behavior in that age …they dont need an ass whoopin just yet…when she yells pick her and put her in a time out…no words no eye contact and when she is out make sure she explains why she was in there. Today is different raising kids…said but true…I always told my boys I’m not afraid to go to jail for whooping there ass as TEENAGERS and guess what…I never had a problem. I cant judge you, I’m not perfect at all but please know at this age it can be turned around.
One more thing remember she is a.child and a child hears sees and picks up everything like a sponge check the.company she keeps look into the family.history , poor baby may have been abused , emotionally.or other wise , pouri seeing this written about an innocent child ,
Take her for immediate psychiatric treatment and family counseling… people are who they are by the age of 4… nip this in the bud ASAP…
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My kiddo tried to push her limits, and with a sharp smack and a firm rear end pat she learned real quick it wasn’t acceptable behavior. My kid is now 13 and will tell you I’m strict but she’s glad she didn’t turn out like some other kids in our community who were allowed to control their situations.
Every behavior is LEARNED BEHAVIOR… also she’s only 4 do not put her in a category of a 16 year old… 4 year Olds are sponges they suck everything in… even if you think she’s smarter then a 4 year old don’t treat her that way it teaches kids to grow up fast and when you do that your skipping growth… my 5 year old has behavioral problems and I mean seriously bad issues she attends only 4 hours of school a day… however the best way I’ve learned to help her is focus on the good even the super small stuff like putting her socks on helping pick out her clothes when she does I constantly praise her and that changes her behavior when shes home… good luck
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Behavior therapy. Had to do this with my oldest. He’s still a little rough around other kids, but not near as bad. He’s 11 now.
My 5 year old has picked up calling people fat since he started school. He also was unruly and has already gotten in two fights since school started a month ago. It really is just a phase though because my now 8 year old went through a terrible phase as well at this age and now he’s the sweetest of my three. Patience mama. Get down on her level and speak to her calmly but also LISTEN. Yelling never helped mine but when I let him vent and tell me what’s going on, he understands that I’m interested in what he has to say and we usually come to an agreement to be good. Also, take stuff away and stand by that punishment. My son has figured out if he’s bad at school, he’s not getting his tablet after school, and so on. Also, if she doesn’t have a set routine, get her in one because that was the main factor to his bad behavior. He’s FINALLY having more good days than bad now that we got in a routine. Good luck! I have three and no two are the same. It’s nothing you’re doing wrong!
Come up with age appropriate consequences and stick to them. Also lead by example. If she goes to daycare she could be learning it from there but if not she’s hearing it somewhere 
my daughter had never even heard the word fat until this year at daycare (she’s 4 also) she said it once and I explained to her that saying something/someone is fat can hurt peoples feelings and there is no need to describe things that way and everyone has different features. Just explain things as best you can to her. They seem irrational but are smarter than what people think and get a better understanding with explanations
All privileges taken away. No friends over, no park, no going shopping, no tv etc. Take away all her toys. She can sit in her room until she learns better behavior. The I hate u part, just ignore.
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Who let’s their 4 yr run them.it starts at home.changes the things you are doing as a parent.put her in counseling.keep her involved in positive activities.thus is going to get worse if it’s not stopped now.school might help once she’s old enough.i
Take away things she loves doing tablet phone iPad whatever it is don’t let friends come over if each and every time she is rude to them she is only 4 you can get a handle on her it just seems like she gets to do whatever she wants to do and you gotta put a stop to it or it’s only gonna keep getting worse and her body shaming other ppl that’s totally unacceptable you should be making her apologize to ppl she is doing that to and for her to be doing this type of behavior she’s seen it somewhere maybe YouTube videos tv or some else but she has seen it somewhere to think it’s okay to act like that you are her mom and the ruler of her not her you and you need to make her understand that and not let this continue to keep happening everyday
Have you had her tested for autism, I have autism and I know I have to watch what I say sometimes because I can be overly blunt if I don’t.
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Sometimes kids don’t know how to control their behavior. My daughter does this too. She’s gotten better as she’s gotten older and into school. I tell her to go to her room until she feels like she can calm down enough to talk about whatever it is upsetting her. The other day she stomped off and told me she was going to her room bc she was angry. She has learned when she needs a time out herself. You have to be consistent though. Inconsistency is too confusing for a child
Plus in the entire post you haven’t said anything nice about your child. Maybe that’s the problem. Tell her the things she could do well and how much you love her and that you there for her. She is lost. She needs you.
Raising Kids can be incredibly difficult. We learn while we on the road to reach. But don’t forget to highlight the good things. I understand you tired and confused. But so is she.
You pointed out she gets worse around friends. It sounds like she’s mimicking behavior and I’m open to assume it comes from elsewhere as well. My oldest is moderately autistic, during his evaluation they spent a lot of time on his reactionary behavior. I’m fortunate enough his pediatrician noticed these signs and didn’t brush them off. Please get your child an ADD/ADHD/Autism evaluation, I think that will help pin point what she’s struggling with and how you can effectively combat it without resorting to “ass whooping”.
My now 7 year old was and is exactly like this. She got diagnosed with ADHD at 4. While at times it’s still a struggle and have our bad days she has don’t so well since medicated
If it were me I’d take her to see a therapist. They can do parenting classes for you while she meets with the therapist. You guys can work on strategies to help her behave during day to day life and find out why she’s acting out as well.
Discipline. I have five kids, and this is a big no in my house. If she’s acting this way, she shouldn’t have friends over. Take away TV etc, until she behaves better. Set limits on what she watches and listens to. Just because you don’t say or do something doesn’t mean she isn’t exposed to it by someone else. You’re the parent. You should always consider her feelings, but it’s up to you to set boundaries and rules that she has to follow. This type of behavior is absolutely unacceptable at any age.
I had the issue Of my kids not taking the word No for an answer. They weren’t really rude but they would never accept no. The problem I was causing is I was too concerned about them being upset or mad at me. I made a lot of bad choices years ago and was a very bad addict, I was in and out of jail and rehab. So when I finally got my life together, I felt guilty for the time I missed and the things they went thru, so I was trying to make it up to them and give them whatever they want. I’d NEVER say no, and if anyone said anything negative regarding their behavior or anything (husband, teachers, grandparents), I’d automatically defend them, even if they were in the wrong. It took a long time for me to stop and say I have to be a parent before a friend. I was my job to RAISE them. So I don’t know if this is close to ur situation on not wanting them to be upset wit you but it really does get better. It didn’t happen over night. We ALL had to change, but so worth it.
My middle son is this way. So rude and controlling. He is 10 now. He’s been this way since he can talk to be honest. He has to control every situation and stick his two cents into everything. He use to call me a bitch and curse me out wjen he was about 4 years old. I’m looking into therapy for him now. I should of a while ago. He isn’t as rude to me bc I really have put my foot down. I dont allow any none sense anymore. If he says one rude thing I punish him. He needs to learn respect. Again I still need help with me. I know there are better ways i can help him. Your not alone
My son is also pretty non verbal word wise. He says a small amount of words but should be able to say wayyy more by now. He wont even let me brush his teeth.
When In doubt and out of control a good smack to the rear is what all children need if talking, time out ain’t helping then pop that disrespectful bratty rear and don’t let her run the house
Are you clear to her? Are you giving her what she wants because she continues? Do you fight with your emotions because she telling you hurtful things?
Sorry to tell you but your child response is most likely because you are not clear on what you expect from her. It’s normal for a child to push the limit. If you break at her worse behavior an then give her what she wants than that is exactly the behavior she will be on ALL the time. A child is our own reflection.
Start to reward good behavior. Even if it’s just a second. At the times she does listen to you let her know you appreciate that. Reward with hugs and “I love you”
She needs you now more than ever. Never approve bad behavior. Don’t break to make it stop.
They are products of their environment. If she isn’t learning it from you/dad/guardian she is learning this behaviour from TV or games she is watching.
I believe this behaviour needs kind discipline, punishing her with force or aggression could have the opposite effect and make her act out more. We are parents, we have to be their calm not join their chaos.
I would seek advice from an OT and see what they suggest.
If she is rude. Make her say please and thank you. If she wants something she has to say please. If she gets it says thank you. If not no thank you we are not playing /doing that. If she is rude to her friends 1 warning than sorry friends you have to go home till my daughter can play nice. Time out wherever. I had to have a time out for one of my daughters in a parking lot one time. We sat on the car trunk for 4 minutes. Once she was calm. Took 30 minutes total. Explain why you put her there. She won’t be the happiest but she will get the message quickly. As far as I hate you, I don’t love you. So far my older kids hate when I say that’s ok you don’t have to like me right now I am mom and I love you. If they continue. I still love you and I know your mad. Sometimes they want validation for their feelings too. Also go to them in a few minutes and tell her it hurt my feelings when you say that. There are better ways to tell me you’re mad. Fat comments and so forth. Ugly words we call them. They get an instant apology and time out.
Pam Stevens exactly because I’m have similar problems and I actually have done what most people are saying to do and nothing had worked were now going professional cause this beyond me and my doing and he acts nothing like what he sees and he fears nothing I agree with what you said cause with kids like the op and I we need medical help
I would get her in counseling to see if they see what’s up. Then take everything away. We went through this with my oldest. She got her bed 2 toys, her books and that was it. She got to pick her clothes out but they weren’t in her room and we quit watching TV for a while. We read books together about better behavior and I had to learn not to react to her reactions. You just go stone faced. Let her get it out into her room for a talk and back out. And I’m not gonna lie my kid got a couple spankings for being extra bad
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Talk mean to her then ask her how it made her feel. My 14 year old still gets a wild hair up his butt sometimes so I give it right back and ask how do you feel now. Even when he was her age it would make him stop and think. I tried the popping him on the butt & that didn’t phase him but taking away his most beloved possessions does the trick even at age 5.
It’s going to sound derogatory, but you have to be smarter than your child. When she says mean things, you need to be quick with a response. My children have never behaved like this, but I know kids who do. No matter how you handle it you need to do it immediately. As soon as she talks back, you initiate punishment, whatever that may be in your household.
Discipline goes a long way with children. First you have to show them that they can’t get away with it. Second you have to show them what it means to have boundaries. Everyone saying that she needs to be evaluated needs to evaluate themselves. Please try at least some home methods different ways of discipline different diet. The schedule is most helpful thing I’ve done. My kids know 8 ain’t messing around and when I’m serious from my 2 yo to my oldest 14.
I would seek out a behavior therapist. This is definitely already there.
Sounds like she needs stricter consequences for her actions. More boundries and staying consistant will help also. Getting ecaluated by a professional seems in order also. Some of those behaviors sound concerning. She is 4, dont let her make the rules!
Developmental pediatrician for evaluation and pediatric psychologist for therapy should cover all of the bases. The developmental ped will assess if she has any issues that are outside of the norm for her age, as they look at the child as a whole (psychological, physiological, and physical), and the psychologist will talk with your child and help you to find ways to help her with her behaviors and managing emotions. Good luck!
Kids do that. They should be allowed to express themselves. They get angry, sad and frustrated, too. They should be allowed to feel their emotions, make sense of it, learn from it, and grow from it, Its part of life. We, as parents, teachers, and councillors, guide them best we can. But for goodness sakes, let them FEEL. Let them express themselves. Really. Give them time to grow. If you see its getting worse over a period then take her to see someone, but really, love can overcome anything. Maybe she is experiencing what she is portraying? At school? With a friend, babysitter or relative? Look into it.
Sounds exactly how I was when I was her age. I especially LOVED calling fat people fat to their faces lol.
I eventually grew out of the worst part of it but I on occasion would still be rude to people I knew or strangers and it became to the point where I don’t even notice I’m being rude at all. Its just who I am. Its apart of me.
Your daughter will always be a bit rude as she grows but this whole issue will eventually be grown out of. You just have to keep at it with punishment and letting her know right from wrong.
I had to see a therapist and I suggest you take her to see one as well so they can figure out the underlying problem like they did with me.
This is definitely not normal behavior.
I would have her evaluated.
But also, don’t let her get away with this nonsense.
You need to toughen up and discipline her bad behavior.
U desides how they act by what u let them do had enough put your foot down take things away no friends toys privalages tell her how dissapp o knitted u are in her and her horrible. Way she acts is ugly no one likes ugly things coming from a kids people. Talk bad about all of this when u leave they Don’t want u around thers
I’ll probably get alot of blowback from this but I can tell you what would happen if my child ever spoke to me like that… the first time was a warning and timeout- " don’t speak to me that way"… if they persisted they got a spanking and chores for the week- disrespect should never be tolerated and wasnt…
My daughter has oppositional defiant disorder sounds like stuff she used to do. Get her in therapy ASAP
Oooh lordt i would’ve spanked her! But since that’s not good advice. Just say no and ignore bad behavior. Don’t give in. You are in control. If she is disrespectful there need to be consequences. From taking privileges away (tv, computer, phone, skates, bikes, etc), to cool clothes, going out, candy. You control her life, make her earn things back respectfully.
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Honestly she sounds A Lot like my 4 year old. Especially with the comments and questions you say that she says. My daughter says those exact things.
I haven’t had my daughter assessed yet but I’m certain she is on the autism spectrum. My oldest son is and she is much worse than he was.
The “she calls people fat (if they are)” really stood out to me here. She shouldn’t be calling people names at all to begin with but where would she even learn to call “fat” people fat?. Put your foot down be the parent and watch your own behavior also. You’re the one in control not them. Take stuff away from her. Put her in time out. Spank her if you need to but YOU have to put the effort in to make the change and MODEL behavior that you expect. If nothing else is working go see a therapist. I personally don’t agree with kids being “diagnosed” at such a young age but if you’re out of options do what you have to do to get her behavior where it should be.
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Just correct him when he does wrong, tell him that’s not nice stress please and thank you’s, He will catch on but as long as your making a big deal about he’s going to keep doing it, he gets even more attention when he does it… best of luck!!
My kiddo went through this. Literally nothing worked until I started “ I can’t help you or I can’t hear you”
The minute she got nasty with me I would say “ oh dear, I can’t hear you when you talk to me like that” then I would get up and leave the room. It took a few tries before she started clueing in to I would do nothing and she would get absolutely NOTHING until she spoke to me nicely. as a 14!year old she has now connected “ the look” as a warning for her tone and she catches her self now.
It was a hard won in the beginning. It took everything to walk away and not engage with her snarky behaviour but once I learned to walk away and ignore the nasty it got better for me. I will say it will get worse before it gets better but stick to your guns!
You need to stand your ground and quite giving in when she cries about it. I have 2 “redhead” daughters 9 & 5 and they would never. They know there are consequences to their actions. You need to set rules & boundaries and stick to them. Being disrespectful and bullying her friends will not be tolerated. Nip in the butt now before you’ve raised an entitled brat. My oldest used to test me until and every time she did she stood in the corner. Time out in a foot by foot chalk square for back talking or saying disrespectful things. (Doesn’t matter who torwards.) If she tried to get out I would put her back without saying a word to her and turn my back. And repeat.
You have to realize children say and do what they hear… your child is always listening even when you think they’re not. You have to correct it when it happens not later on. Take away things she likes make her sit in the corner. Watch what you say and do.
Stay calm and realize not all kids are the same. She is acting out and the more firm you stand on correct behavior the sooner she’ll get over a lot of it. She’s trying to get attention and get a reaction. That’s why it’s important to stay calm and don’t give her what she’s looking for. Tell her calmly what she’s doing or saying wrong. Reward good behavior with your attention and don’t give her the attention she’s seeking for bad behavior. I’m not saying to completely ignore her bad behavior you always correct it but don’t make it into a big deal.
4 is old enough for spankings! Better get it under control before school. My niece almost got kicked out of K because of her attitude!
I’m mindblown to the amount of people who are here blaming this mother. She’s reaching out because she’s tried it all. As a step mother to two girls who have had rotten rotten behaviors over the years I feel for you. My sons dad has a daughter who was like this from ages 5-8 and then one day just started acting normal again. My boyfriends daughter however has been this was since she was at least 5, she’s 7 now. She’s absolutely terrible and she’s failing school. We coparent extremely well and live a structured life. We discipline consistently as well. We take away fun things. It doesn’t matter what we do with her the behavior just gets worse. She’s been diagnosed with adhd. I’m glad I came across this post and saw comments about ODD. It will be something we look into for sure. Best of luck with your little one. And if you are trying that’s all you can do. Don’t blame yourself if it’s truly something you try to correct and can’t handle. Some children are just too much at times
It sounds like she has a lot of anger coming out. Maybe there has been some trauma in the family? Divorce? Death of a member? Something is making her anger boil over and project onto others. I agree with those who say seek some guidance from a therapist. However I would not listen to anything else like the comparisons (oh my child never did this but I have seen some that do) or the blame (be a better parent, she learned it somewhere, stop being her friend”). No one actually knows what they are doing and the world we were raised in is different than the one we are raising children in so old ways of thinking aren’t always the best. Your daughter is a person, a tiny person who didn’t ask to be here and who counts on you to show her the way. Despite what she is showing you kids are full of love and just want your attention and validation. When we are angry we do not feel like ourselves and she probably doesn’t either but she just isn’t in tune enough with who she is to know that.
I love you anyway was used alot with one of my boys everytime he said he hated me and don’t beat her but a couple of swats on the but showed i mean business
My daugther for bad when she was 5 n even Start to sock me in the face. I was taking parenting classes which said never to spank a child. I try everything n it didn’t work. Once my husband came back from deploymwnt he spank n it has she recently turn 12 n has being super respectful all these years with just one spanking.
Throw her away and start over? 
Seriously though, counseling and persistence. My son is/was the same way. He’s now almost 12 and we still don’t have “answers” but my insistence with his normal doctor has opened up a variety of options to help alleviate some of the issues.
My 6 y/o started to be this way after 2 as well, I started timeouts, spankings & no electronics. No friends. And every time he spoke ugly to me I’d smack his mouth. He learned and KNOWS manners & discipline. I refuse to raise my boys in this ugly world w a crappy generation. He’s the sweetest kind little boy now. Still gets grounded every now and then for not listening but other then that. He’s great.
Ps. Do not bash me for the way I discipline my kids. 
Don’t allow it take stuff away my 1 and a half year old says thank you. He hits time out. Period. He gets one chance. Teach them you g or it’s gonna get worse
My 12 year old son was diagnosed at age 6 with ADHD, ODD and intermittent explosive anger disorder. We tried just therapy for 2 years, I have taken a parenting class. I have 2 other children in home. We have a regimen at home, we show love and discipline. We had to result to medication so he could thrive in school and social settings. Its still a challenge till this day but I will not give up. I don’t want to lose my child. Its not going to be easy, some days you will cry in the shower and feel like a failure as a parent. You are not though!! Just get your child in counseling and work with his doctors and teachers. Maybe enroll yourself in a parenting class and or counseling for you. Its easy for some to say what needs to be done that haven’t actually had to deal with it. Hang in their mom.
Thats not “how kids act.” That is aggression. You should really check out Supernanny on YouTube. Thats about the nicest opinion I can give.
I had this issue with my 5 year old when we put her in summer camp that was more integrated with older children than what she is used to. I would hear “your the worst parents” or “your the worst mom” 3 times a day. Once she was out of the camp it got better. But i realized i wasn’t following through on any of my punishments and i wasnt being realistic with them either. Id say “you talk like that again you’ll spend the rest of the night in your room”. Obviously I’m not sending a 5 year old to her room for 6 hours lol and she knew that. I started time outs again. She starts at her age, 5 minutes and every disrespectful word she says on the way or during timeout a minute gets added. She got to 11 the first time. Then it progressively went down. I also made her start writing. I write the sentence and she has to write it ten times and say it aloud each time. (They don’t need to spell or read to copy) i also removed ALOT of toys. Every day she goes without saying a rude comment and listens, she gets to pick a toy back. Its a struggle and i cried alot. Thinking i screwed my kid up and she’s the only 5 year old that would say things like that. But i know thats not true and i just needed to stay consistent. It gets better and than it gets worse and then it gets better etc. You got this!
I agree with the age thing I think she’s trying to see what is acceptable and what’s not also could be the environment she’s around if she sees this stuff at home or daycare or someone else’s house she frequently goes to she will repeat. As for the go non stop that’s a toddler thing or atleast I hope so because my 3 yr old does this to not even melatonin can get this kid to sleep. Teach her that it’s not acceptable and let her lose some friends over her being mean and she will stop. You can try timeout when she’s mean to but remember to pick your battles. Set up a chart to show her what is ok and what is not and what will happen as a consequence to both good and bad
I’m sorry but the comment “she calls people fat (if they are) is making me think she’s learning something from someone and not to be rude but I’m thinking it’s you. She has heard you say things about heavy people. I’m not saying you walk around calling people fat. You may not have even been making a rude comment but kids hear things and see things and they repeat. If there has never been anything traumatic to make her act out, I’d definitely talk to a therapist.
Everyone is so quick to say ass whooping/beat their ass, smack their mouth, pop them, “give them a taste of their own medicine.” All horrible advice.
I know you say she’s “older headed” but in reality, she’s 4. She’ll still have outbursts for many reasons… Overtired, overstimulated, frustrated, angry, etc. Cognitively she can’t verbalize that. I strongly suggest getting her evaluated for ADHD (if you can, kiddos usually aren’t diagnosed until 5 - school age) and I’d get her evaluated for o.d.d (oppositional defiance disorder. If she does have a behavioral issue, physical discipline will only make it worse. Be consistent with taking things away (electronics, favorite toys, playdates, sleepovers, etc). Explain why you’re taking it away. Praise good behavior and manners.
Please try Gentle Parenting… I know I’m bout to get alotta heat for this but dude… it actually helps and works. It allows your child to feel they are being heard, respected and valued and their own person as well help them understand responsibility and boundaries.
I would suggest getting down on her level… to make her feel safe and ask her if there is something that she needs or wants that she doesn’t feel she has. Behavior is always associated with a need unmet.
It’s just as when she was a newborn. She would cry because a need was unmet and that was her way to communicate her emotions to you. You had to check her diaper, feed her, put warmer clothes on, etc.
So I encourage you to get on her level and talk to her… try to avoid the WHY questions with kids 5 and under. Try AVOIDING the YOU statements… “If YOU would listen” etc.
I really hope this helps and much support to you… parenting ain’t fucking easy by any means!! Your doing wonderful, don’t forget you made a human & that is beautiful in itself & makes you AMAZING. 
There is no instruction manual… different parenting methods work for different children. I choose Gentle but every child is different. REGARDLESS… whatever parenting method you choose just try to remember behavior is repeated because there is some emotion they haven’t learned to express with words quite yet and so they are acting out to show you they need or want something from you, yes YOU because they LOVE you. 
Time out with nothing every single time she miss behaves … Even if you have to have a space that has nothing to put her in it … No rewards/treats (desserts … Candies … Toys etc) poor behavior doesn’t get rewarded … No friends over no fun places to go etc.
Time outs minutes according to age if she gets up continue to sit her out and start over do not give in
GIRL!!! My son isnt even two pulling this shit but its the constant climbing, screaming, kicking, throwing things, no means yes and yes means yes, " cant focus for no more than 2 seconds, wont watch tv, read a book with me or sitters, is abusive alot of times to my cats, throws massive tantrums, dosent feel severe pain( or respond to any kinda major pain, like burns( from climbing on stove) he does however respond to the smallest of pains like simply loosing his balance and crying like someones beating him( nobody is even near him ). Im at a loss, my teenagers 13 and 17 are burned out and overwhelmed and my second sitter just said at the 1st of the year, she cant watch him anymore. She thought she could do it, but as he got older, he gets worse. Caffine has seemed to help a minor degree, but I had to schedule him with Az Childrens Association to get him some behavioral help as well as tips for me to deal with this. He is my 3rd kid after 12 years of not having babies, and my first two were amazing and still are very well behaved. I do not understand?! Adhd maybe?