No you do t have to be around Toxic people and neither to your kids…that is unacceptable
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You know the truth, your children know the truth, that’s all that matters. As long as you follow your heart and do what you feel is right-- eventually your children will set them straight. Be a good mom, try to limit yourself from toxic people. Live, laugh, love 
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Your daughter doesn’t owe 10% to God. I also wouldn’t have her pay and then pay her back either. While she may forget to give your card back, YOU also forgot to get it back.
You do have the right to decide who’s around your kids until they are 18 though
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Im sorry you lost your husband. I know thats really hard. You definitely shouldnt feel like you have to spend time with his family… I would tell all of them if ANY of you bad mouth me to or in front of my kids it will be the last time you see them… Your kids wont want to see or even speak to them if they dont stop it. Their not only hurting n upsetting you their hurting the kids to. Good luck
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Maybe your daughter would feel much better with that 10% your giving to your sky daddy.
She works hard for that money and it should be her choice.
And I get the vibe that your the toxic one and feeding your daughter to think and say things. 
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Have a get together invite them and just tell them up front how you feel like it or not
If your daughter is old enough to have a job isnt she old enough to be around her other side of the family? Just bc her dad died doesn’t mean you right to remove his family from her life.
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Your kids need to be part of the family but you don’t
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Do not allow kids there and leave also the money should be in a bank account no excuse if something happens to you she knows no one can take it
Aunties are protecting the children the best they think possible because your daughter is stirring it up saying she had to use her money for whatever. So now there is a situation where a child is being allowed to manipulate the adults and they adults are allowing it instead of understanding she’s playing both sides against each other. Yes they need family and they need those relationships but you adults need to realize it’s happening and speak to each other like adults and explain to the child that it’s unacceptable to try to pin yall against each other. If you deny contact it stirs the pot further.
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10% to god?? Girl what
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You know what cut them off. I understand your situation. But Theyre toxic to you and are disrespecting you infront of your kids. If my parents siblings did that about mine i wouldn’t be talking or even be around them.
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If you have never lost a spouse, had to deal with issues like that afterwards, you have no clue what its like. My husband died when he was 31, I was 29. We had our children. In laws and family try to dictate their biased ways of being. I moved 3000 miles away with MY children. They were my responsibility to raise as I saw fit. They could still communicate with them but the in laws and other family members were not going to push me around. As adults now, I could care less about their relationship with other family members. When the kids got older they knew what was truth and what was lies. They could make their choice. I was only the wife to the in laws family member. I didn’t need to be part of their circle.
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10% to god? Wtf??
I would simply transfer her money when she is out to get something - don’t let her take your card anymore, and if she wants to spend her money on fun then that’s her money to spend.
Your family needs to butt out. But f they wanna pay, let them pay! You and your daughter are saving money that way
When I was earning my own money, my mom set up a bank account for me and let me use my own money however I wanted. Here’s my thing- you as a parent can teach her and ask her how she wants to save and what she is comfortable with. Another thing is are you writing down, adding up and showing her how much you have saved for her college?
In all respect, I hope you are being fully transparent about everything you are doing. And if you are so bothered by anything said make sure you are doing the right things and what they say shouldn’t bother you if you are.
Your kids are allowed to have a relationship with family they love and care about. That’s not fair to them, and it makes you look bad to keep them away from them. If you have issues- talk it out and pray. Prayer is an important key to all this. God will guide you to what you need to do. Don’t say and do things you will regret , because you can’t take it back.
Another thing if she is getting groceries and things. Set aside cash, and tell her to give the receipt and change for whatever she purchases that way you can keep your debit card on you at all times.
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She should be able to spend HER money however she wants.
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Tell your daughter to keep your household business between you and her. Tell your sister in law what time of day it is. Children know how to play both sides, making problems where they dont need to be.
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There are alot of typos and allot of info mixed together so I’m not sure i understood it completely but i don’t think that having family is more important then a healthy environment… What i mean is i totally get why you really want them to have family but if its an unhealthy environment for them then i would not expose them. I have a toxic sister i put up with but once i had small kids i cut her off. She hasn’t even met my almost 2 year old because there mental health is more important. You could try to change the situation a little to not have these uncomfortable conflicts but if there’s no avoiding them and they bring harm to your relationship with your kids then I don’t see a choice.
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Im with the person that said your daughter is the one stirring the pot and every adult,including you,is letting her. Honestly…id ground her and talk to the family members about how she made sure to tell them that lie about you forcing her to use her own money and refusing to pay her back. She sounds like an entitled brat. She works,so she should spend her money if goes somewhere she said she wanted to go and i wouldnt pay her back. However…i also wouldnt force her to put money in savings or pay the 10% at church. Let her learn to make those type of decisions on her own. When my parents gave us money…i always put $5 in the offering plate without being told to do it. She has to learn to be responsible…not forced to be…or will rebel and make bad choices…like her creating a rift between you and your spouse’s family just so doesnt have to swipe her card or pay her own cash…whatever she does. If you want to take her somewhere… you pay for it. She wants to go somewhere…she pays for it. Wants to blow her paychecks? Let her. Just tell her if she does her college dorm stuff will be thrift store quality…lol.
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ew why are you making your child donate to a church when she could be saving more for her future? gross
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Raising them to be & think independently, watch others behavior vs yours is important. They’ll see the difference without you ever doing anything different. Feel free to talk to them about it and when it gets toxic set them apart to explain its not how you treat anyone. Period. It helped on my family.
I think it should be her choice to pay 10% to God. Encourage it, but not force it. Always pay back if you borrowed! $25 a week to put up and save for school is great but maybe make her a savings account for that 
That being said, parenting is hard work! Everyone is gonna have something to say about anything you do! Do what’s best for you & her! Either way everyone is looking out for her!
I would let it go🤷🏼♀️ kids need all the family they need and it’s best everyone gets along
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No one, even extended family should overstep a parent. I don’t care the situation, other family members need to stay in there place unless a child is being abused. They seem to be putting shit in her daughters head instead of just being thankful they still have a relationship with your kids.
Toxic is toxic. Cut them off.
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I cant read or understand all your typos, i got a headache now!
No your not and your kids seem old enough to make up their own minds if they want to see them or not
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I don’t think you should be telling you kid what to do with any of there money, they earned it they should decide what they want to do with it. If you raised them right they will do right. Why did her aunt even ask about who’s paying for the activities? If your daughter is old enough to have a job and you’ve paid her back in the past then she shouldn’t worry about what someone else sed. If her aunt wants to pay for everything for whatever reason then let her, that’s money you don’t have to spend. Even if it becomes she’s assuming stupid things. Yall can laugh about it together later. You should take all the money you put in a envelope and put it in a savings account so it can build interest and actual be safe.
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I’d tell them to mind their damn business you know what works for you & your daughter. Them being family doesn’t mean they’re allowed to berate you or talk badly about you to your kid. Tell them straight up act right or bye.
It doesnt matter that they are family toxic is toxic. They are teaching your kids bad behavior and ways of thinking. Cut them off and dont look back. Your life will be so much more peaceful. The only person your children need is you.
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If your daughter is old enough to work she is old enough to decide to see her only family. As far as you not paying her back it’s sounds as if this is something that happens or why would it be brought up. Also she should have a savings account that she can’t touch until 18 for the 25$.
Tell them you would appreciate if they stayed out of your business!!!
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It sounds as though one of your children is old enough to make this decision on their own if they are old enough to have a job.
I could see some of where their concern is coming from based on what is being done with your child’s income. 10% to church from a child that is in a single parent household saving for college seems a little different. If I had a family member mandating their child do that I would be concerned.
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I’d tell your family straight how it is either spend time with the kids and stop stirring the pot or you won’t see them again period
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If you’re child is old enough and responsible enough to 1. have a job and 2. take YOUR son to boxing for you then she can darn well manage her own money .Suggestion… Request a second CC from one of your accounts and give to her she is clearly responsible and have her use that instead of her money I think The extended family is seeing her doing adulating that she shouldn’t have to do just yet Please for the sake of the kids try and allow them to be kids for a lil longer this is a cruel world we live in and there’s no need to rush them (and FYI I’m raising 3 kids on my own with no financial support of any kind and yes I manage without compromising there youth)
My mother 90years old has a favorite saying " AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES CHRISTIANS "
then we all laugh.
Pray that you and your daughter will bond harder than super glue.
And if her aunt or anybody says anything in public learn to ignore it.
What I would have said to my daughter is O OKAY …GREAT LET HER PAY I WILL STILL PUT IT IN YOUR KITTY FOR …so daughter we gain and do not retort to the end comment about your inability or whatever
People are mean because they want control and are very insecure.
Do not discuss them or their stuff with your daughter
If your children come back with comments about you laugh it off
THEY ARE EXPECTING YOU TO REACT…so they can tell your kids we told you so… etc etc …Adolescent children in fact children period will make up their own minds from what they see and hear SO speak positive words only SHOW PLENTY OF LOVE no matter what and always not when there is an issue make this your favorite saying
SMALL MINDS …do you know this saying …
Let it be your mantra so the kids will always remember this
IGNORE THEM
you need to communicate more with your daughter …
You need to show more love and YOU NEED TO PRAY HARDER…HAVE SERIOYS CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD ABOUT THIS ISSUE.
WHAT CAN NOT DO DOES NOT EXIST !!!
YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED to be around negative people and confuse your children by talking about their MOM in A terrible way as that is toxic!
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Feels. My ex is extremely casually in the picture. His parent was I thought nice but was really two faced. Soon as we split the real person came out. Fake and dramatic. Just focus on you and your family, we teach people how to treat us and the right people will come along
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I’m still confused because she asks if the kids are obligated to spend time with his side of the family, then proceeds to relate to us a story about HER side of the family. Re-read it again and you’ll see what I mean. The aunt is HER sister. After mentioning hubs, she mentions they are spending more time with HER family ( she says “my” family). And says that all of her husbands family has passed at the end.
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I am completely confused! I thought this was about her in laws but the last drawn out paragraph was about her own sister. What is really the problem here?
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You have no obligation to keep toxic people in your life at all, and you don’t need to be involved in their lives for your children to be involved in their lives, however I don’t think that is even a good idea because they seem to be pretty ignorant and probably are just as toxic to the kids as they are to you. You likely love your family so that’s why this is such a hard decision for you do what’s best for you and your kids, nevermind the rest of the family… they want to be a part of your life they’ll make the effort
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Okay, I am a single mom and in the beginning I didn’t always have extra money. You lost your husband just 4 years ago, that had to have been both emotionally and financially devastating. My heart goes out to you. Good job keeping your kids together, clothed, fed, and loved. I feel like I need to say that so you know you can rise above the mean comments, you are doing a good job.
As your actual question. Family is not just by birth but more by choice, it feels like it is time to actively build a new family for you and your children. Family is supportive and if there are hard conversations they are hard in love at the root. Don’t ban your kids but I would not encourage the toxic relationship and help them learn how to surround themselves with people who truly care and lift each other up.
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1 - Protect the children.
2 - Learn them how to have a better life.
3 - Pray.
The rest is optional.
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There’s a huge issue w you giving your Daughter’s hard earned $$$ to the church. It’s not your $ & you can’t buy your way to good grace. Her relationship w faith is between her & whatever she holds faith in. The church is doing just fine.
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You’re very strict when it comes to how your daughter should spend money. That 10% to God is to a man typically, who if a smart talker with charisma puts it into his private jet and a lavish lifestyle. If you are adamant about her giving her owned money away at least let her decide where. There are plenty of good bonafide charities around that need help. Loosen the reins already. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but look at what you’re trying to control and ask yourself if it’s really worth your kid’s animosity.
Nip it in the bud. You dont have to put up with family doing that, cut them out of you life you dont need the stress. Family dont have the right to be ass’s just because they are family.
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This is tough. Talk to your kids. If your daughter is old enough to work and to pay for things and you pay her back, she’s old enough to understand why this is hurtful to you.
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Anything you say can and will be used against you. Let your kid form their own opinion. Dont steal that from them unless they are in danger then act accordingly. You are not required to keep up a relationship unless you want to. Keep your opinions to yourself your kid isnt your vent. At the end of the day let your actions speak for you.
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Even if one of your kids is in college it’s very toxic, and even verbally abusive of anyone to talk badly about you to your kids.
You don’t have to keep in contact with people who continually disrespect you.
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Now we know what is wrong with this country. Your answers to this woman is downright snotty. You all are probably in your twenties and thirties so you don’t have a clue as to methods of raising kids. I have not heard from anyone over fifty on this post. As for a ten per cent thigh to god. If she attends church then she should give what is asked. If she makes a hundred and fifty dollars a week then ten per cent is not breaking her. She should be taught how to live as an adult. This is a good way to teach her the old fashion way. Responsibility
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Toxic. You dont need that. Noone should be bashing u n front of your kids. The rest idk. Im confused by this story. But its non of our business how you handle your finances. Im sure you are trying to teach her how to save? Im glad you are putting her money up for college. How old is your daughter? Talk to your daughter about this as well. Miscommunication somewhere im feeling.
What other people think of you is none of your business. If you and your kids have a healthy relationship, then I wouldn’t worry what others pick as the truth they see.
Your kids need that family. So try having a chat with them about how you feel. Without kids around. Just dont let them get into your daughters head. Try to always be present when they are around.
Bro nothings easy in life. If family are gonna be a… … do the right thing n bring them up the best parent you can be. Cos at the end of the day they will always remember the best things in life. Priority starts with the PARENT…
Way too much info for me. Would like to help but really don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Maybe stay away from all family members for awhile until you can get some help and work on these issues.
Firmly tell them they don’t know what they are talking about should know better than that. Your daughter knows better or should so I honestly would not care beyond that what they said since you can’t really do anything about it anyway. Ppl talk and are quick to judge without facts and even if they do have them they chose to think the worst of you.
I would be curious if your daughter said anything to them to make them think that way. You never know …
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You can teach your daughter to save without dictating everything she does with her money. You’re daughter shouldn’t have to take off 3 days a week to take your son to boxing you can pay a babysitter for that. No reason for her to be donating 10% to god. She should have a savings account so she can see where her money is. It shouldn’t be in an envelope that could be easily stolen lost or used. Make sure you have your card with you and don’t ask your child to buy anything for you. If your child is telling people about it’s not a one time thing. If the family is snapping on you they probably have good reason
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It seems like you were very upset maybe even crying when you wrote this, so forgive me if I misunderstood.
1st, YOU are not obligated to spend time with anyone, however if you have/had a decent healthy relationship with your in laws, it would be good to encourage the kids to spend time with them.
2nd if your own family is bad mouthing you and being toxic, remove them from your lives. I wouldn’t allow my children to be around people who are not respectful.
3rd- as for your sister, well she’s your sister. Have your words with her away from your kids and face do it face to face.
4th- don’t dwell on your sister paying for an evening of fun. Her choice, her problem. You and your kids know how things work in your house. Since you didn’t have to pay, now you can take your kids out for another fun night WITHOUT said grumpy/toxic family.
Family is tough, setting boundaries is one of the hardest things to do, but if you’re able to navigate to those boundaries life will become easier for you and your kiddos
Its too much…I even got lost reading it…I can imagine the rest of your life. You need some structure here…
Only if you want to… it would be respectful to every now and then
acknowledge then…you were a part of a “family” because of their son…everyones not the same but you asked…I’m that type if I hear that someone has said things like that that negates my character I ask for an all Inclusive meeting especially with the one making that comment to find out why they would think that in the first place and explain how things are in reality…you must also keep in mind that they got that notion about you from someone so be ready for the backlash
Your daughter. If you are doing the right thing tell them to stay the hell out of your business unless they want to help. No judging allowed
Its thier choice if they want to go and see them. If they dont want to then they dont. Your doing good with your kids. Keep doing what your doing… im in the same situation… i just let them decide what they want.
I would not feel like I was under any obligation whatsoever to spend time with them. It sounds like your daughter is old enough to choose for herself if she wants to see them.
Sounds like your family’s toxic ! If you want your kids around them and not have money issues , give your daughter a debit card and keep funds in the account for your daughter too use when she’s with your family. You keep control of the account and it’ll teach your daughter how too keep care of her money via banking and her ck debit card. I suggest you be the nicest and roll with the punches. Your kids will see your family and their behavior and maybe she’ll put them in their place one day. Do you actually need to be around the back stabbing family member ? I’d back off from her and tell your kids to too.
Everyone who’s saying “stop telling her what to do with her money!” All I’ll say is, I WISH my mom told me what to with my money when I started working. To this day I have horrible spending and saving habits because no one ever taught me how to do those things responsibly.
I would always pay for myself and if family is young and of course can’t pay for themselves we are responsible that way others will have nothing to say about you.
Wtf is 10% to God you need to let your kid make her own mistakes to learn otherwise you are creating an issue she won’t be able to deal with because YOU are controlling her, it’s her money NOT yours
If your daughter is old enough to hold a job, she’s old enough to decide who she’ll be around. You, on the other hand, are not obligated to have any relationship with the “late in-laws”.
You only talk about me behind my back once. Once.
I’m confused… the beginning says her husband died 4 1/2 years ago & is she still obligated to see his family… entire thing is about HER family… last bit says husband’s family is all gone… how would she be obligated to see dead people? 
I would stop going. If my kids chose to go that’s fine. I don’t need that drama in my life.
I don’t know you should teach your kid about money and being smart about it but choosing where her money goes is weird. I understand some percent should go to her savings but it’s very discouraging when you work your ass off and you don’t get any reward back lol. Let her treat herself. Her job and the money she makes should go to whatever expenses she chooses. She’s a girl so nails, makeup, shopping, entertainment. And as far as his family, you should talk it out with them or find a middle ground. Let them know you don’t appreciate them talking behind ur back and tell them it’s not ok to involve your kids. You guys are adults, if they have an issue they need to address it with you first and see where you’re coming from before jumping the gun, assuming things, and involving your kids in it. Maybe you don’t have to spend too much time with them but family to a kid is important so I don’t think you should distance yourself because it will be tough for your kids.
You’re parenting her and it’s your choice on how to do it. She has no right to act that way, it’s none of her business. Especially not in front of the children! That’s childish and toxic behavior in my opinion. Maybe I personally don’t agree with the money stuff, but you’re still teaching her to budget and save so props to you mama!
Obligated? No. The shared children, yes they need to spend time with both. If there were issues between you and your ex in-laws, I do not believe YOU need to keep in contact with them.
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Those people are your kids family- you don’t have to go visit but you should let them… you pay your own way- they’ll have nothing to say about you… smile when you drop the kids off and collect them… don’t give any fuel for the fire… they don’t deserve your company
You need never tolerate toxic people in your life,
Have a good adult conversation about your grievance, let them know that if this continues, you will have to cut them out of your life.
Obligated no…but it may bring them comfort or help them with their grieving process. Especially if y’all were close…
You lost me at making her give %10 of her pay to God. 
The day my Dad died, my stepmother cut off all contact with me. Nuff said.
Toxic people do not deserve to be in your life. Family or not.
Listen, I stopped reading it, by the end of the 3rd sentence.
I’d bounce. Those people are nothing but toxic and will teach your kids to be toxic too.
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You sound very upset and bcoz of this I don’t what you are talking about,but I will tell you one thing,if you are paying your own bills than you don’t have to worry about anybody. If family members are putting you down,giving negative verbs than keep your kids away from them. They need a happy family not a negative people around them
I think she has more of a relationship with Jesus than she does with her children. I don’t care about the aunt. It’s sick to force religion on a child.
I think anyone who makes their child give 10% to a unicorn is asking for trouble!
yeah- this is bullshit- & while I agree the kids should know their Father’s family, @ this point, I’d be backing way the fuck off & only allowing them visitation when YOU are available to be there to monitor them. What would your husband think? ~
Why 10% to god? Don’t people realise yet that this is basically extortionate?
If you’re having to constantly watch your child around someone out of fear of your child being harmed or abused in some way, then your child should not have a relationship with that person. It doesnt matter if its physical or verbal. If your relatives are verbally harming your daughter or your relationship with her, then it’s time stop bringing her around those relatives.
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You are controlling your daughters money. If you want to have her put some in savings, fine. But she shouldn’t be forced to give 10% of part time minimum wage pay to the church. And having her give you $25 dollars to eventually pay for her own college? Does she know that’s what you’re doing? I realize I don’t know your situation, but paying for college is the parents job. If you were saving it for her to have spending money during college with her knowledge, maybe.
If your in laws are taking her out for her birthday, why would she have to pay for it anyway? And you could have transferred the money before hand. Sure, you may not know how much it would cost, but you could have just given her $50 and give her more later if it didn’t cover it.
Something doesn’t add up here
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Take your kids and fuck the rest those consequences last a lifetime of you putting up with the disrespect. Your kids won’t value themselves because they have seen first hand the level of disrespect you have tolerated.
Since when did money have to go to someone who doesnt need it like God? Let the kid keep her money and stop making everything about you. Everything is hard but money going to God is really stupid to me, but to each their own, but as in regards to the whole family thing I think you dont like the idea of being called out, it’s been about you this whole post and barely anything about the daughter or dead husband. I think therapy is needed on your end and a safer mental health environment for your daughter.
Relatives can be such a pain. Limit the childrens time they spend with these realatives as they are definitely not respecting you and are interfering and undermining your rules. This erodes the confidence in your authority.
My dad died when I was 16 too I’d hate you forever if you took away 20-30% of my paycheck and then asked for me to cover for your food. Gross. My mom would never have done me like that
After the 3rd paragraph I gave up. Nothing personal, I just don’t have time to guess at what someone is trying to say.
Let them visit. They will figure it out in their own. If you deny them it will backfire
Idk, making your kid tithe is weird.
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This story is confusing the hell outta me!
I’d withdraw right to visitation grounds of defamation, which I’m sure if your story is true than your daughter doesn’t mind paying and she will get it back however as a daughter if my aunt had said that to me and my sibling and in front of others I’d take that bitch out. Nobody talks shit about my mom family or not period end.