My husband doesn't seem to want to be married or have a family

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. 2 kids. He is stay home parent and I work 3-4 days a week (12 hr shifts). Last several years I’ve openly told him that I feel hes on his phone too much. Then hed play video games every night before wanting to hang out. That’s some better but now after kids in bed and I go to bed he goes out all night to a friends house. Sometimes not coming home until time to take oldest child to school. Yes there are some females there but he mostly plays cards and hangs out with his friends. That’s not my problem. Problem is after being out, hes too exhausted to help with the kids the next day. I only have 3-4 nights off a week and it seems hed rather be with his friends than doing something with me. Like I’ve sent date ideas to him and stuff. Never comments on it. Never suggests different things to do. I just honestly feel like he doesn’t care if hes with me or not anymore. I pretty much go to bed every night by myself. Weve talked about this on and off for last couple years. I feel like he always thinks everything is my fault. No matter what. I’m just trying to figure out of it’s time to actually make change for me and the kids. I love him but I feel so tired, hurt, and almost hopeless. He never sees my point of view and further says it’s crazy and stupid. But I don’t see what business a married man with children has being out all night long. Especially with the night before he had to go to bed bc he was tired…it was my first night off in 4 days…
So please tell me if I’m overreacting or if any significant other would be upset by lack of change, effort, and continuing to do things that clearly upset you then place the blame on your feelings?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't seem to want to be married or have a family

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Sooo many red flags🚩
I wouldn’t be comfortable at all with my dude going out all night and not coming home, that shit would stop or he’d be out the door 🤷🏻

If he wanted to make a effort, he would

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You’re not overreacting. A married man has no business being out all night long. Especially not several times a week. I’d give him the boot that he so desperately wants. I get that he needs a break, all parents (especially stay at home parents) do. But lord have mercy, it’s like you have a grown ass teenager in your house. You said you’ve tried to talk about it and nothing changes so it’s time to make a change yourself.

I think he has told you how he feels…you just aren’t listening. Girl you are doing this alone already! Time to make it official!
PS No you are not crazy, except for putting up with this for so long!

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Throw the whole man away. You can do it without him. your raising a grown ass man

Just divorced after 17 yrs of that same BS. Give yourself a better life. You’re willing to work for it. He obviously isn’t.

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You are not over reacting. Put your foot down and if he doesn’t change throw him out he can spend his nights and days out permanently. He’s not being right by you or your children. Either he’s in all the way or out completely. Don’t put up with that

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He is showing you by actions what and who comes first… your not over reacting at all I would leave you deserve more than that.

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You’re not overreacting. He is a bum. He is taking advantage of you and just going along for the free ride, having his cake and eating it too. Having a family doesn’t work that way. Tell him either he gets a job, takes care of the kids since you’re the sole bread winner, quits his partying and puts his family first, or kick his lazy ass to the curb. You’re pretty much doing everything by yourself already, let him go freeload off someone else and make a life for you and your kids…:hugs:

Cliche saying but actions speak louder than words. Sounds like he’s got it made at home so He’ll continue to do what he wants since there’s no consequence. No doubt it’s hard when kids are involved but you deserve happiness as well. :heart:

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I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. In my experience, men don’t say how they feel, they show you. I’d I was in your shoes, I would definitely see this as a time for change. Your feelings are valid, not “crazy or stupid.” It sounds as if you’re doing it on your own already. I’d lose the dead weight (aka husband).

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You are definitely not overreacting and to top it off he’s gaslighting…you deserve so much more then treatment like that.x

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Leave him. The only thing that will be missing is feeding him. You can handle having one less mouth to feed!

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I was basically on the same boat, after 16 yrs, I called it quits because I was basically just supporting him in return for nothing, no dates, no nothing… Its been 3 yrs and I’m much better off

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Let his ass go girl. If he can be out all night why can’t he pick up a night shift job? I was with a man for 5 years that never worked. Or he would get a job for maybe a week and quit then have the nerve to bitch about “babysitting” our daughter while I worked 40-60 hours a week and also accused of cheating while at work and if I took longer than 20 mins to get home after I clocked out that was a whole other fight. Eventually you will get fed up and let his sorry ass go just like I did and it will be the best thing you could ever do. Trust me. You deserve much better. You shouldn’t be the only one taking care of things. Period . Hope it works out for you love :heart:

I was in the same boat, I called it quits after 5 years of the crap and filed for a divorce. Honestly for me personally was best damn decision I could of done. I was tired of repeating myself and begging someone to change.

He absolutely should not be staying out all night. You are not wrong .

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I think everyones right on this one. It’s time to leave and make it official. I’m sorry as it’s never easy esp when kids are involved, but it’s better to have your kids see you happy and treated the way you should be treated. It will be hard, but in the end, you’ll find your pace and you’ll wonder why it took so long and why you continued to put up with that bs. You got this girl!:muscle:t4::muscle:t4:

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Actions speak louder than words…he is lazy ass by sounds of it. Kick his ass out, make him get a job and pay support. A real man supports his family. You have kids. He doesn’t need to be the oldest child. He is taking advantage of you bad. What a POS

I don’t understand why you would willingly take care of a man who doesn’t take care of you.
He doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the kids and he doesn’t want sex, WTF is his purpose??
I’d boot him to the curb so fast, he’d look like a burn out mark!!

You only have one life to live and its short. Be happy.

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What everyone else said. Plus you are your children’s example of a relationship…is this the kind of relationship/marriage you want for your children?

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So you go to work and his only job is to take care of the kids and he doesn’t? And everything’s YOUR fault? You can find hundreds of guys willing to watch the kids while you work and consider it a blessing. You deserve better, your KIDS deserve better.

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Kick him out. You are doing everything yourself anyway and he’s seeing someone else.

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So this man doesn’t work and doesn’t really do a good job being a stay at home dad . He need to get a job at night if he has time to stay out all night . I mean maybe I am wrong but if he worked all your hours and you had his responsibility would you act like him ?

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I’d better every dollar I have that he is being unfaithful.

Your giving him a free ride, he doesnt work, he goes out all night and hangs with “friends”, then is too tired to be the stay at home parent and mind the children. Then on-top of that he is neglecting his wife, the one who goes out and works to support his life style and your children.

Please do yourself a favour and leave that relationship.

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You’re not wrong. Shape up or ship out.

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Get rid of that dead weight, you have it under control.

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Cut him off . Make him get a job .
Stand your ground too .
This is just pathetic . He’s a loser

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First of all, you’re not at all overreacting. Second, I would show up there unannounced and see whats going on and lastly, give an ultimatum; either he wants to married or he doesn’t, time to choose. I probably would have changed the locks and left his suitcases on the porch.

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You’re a fake. What about the girl you sent straight home out in the straight

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Overacting from what you’ve said above it sounds like under reacting. You’ve said he’s lazy, ignorant to his family, leaves you out of his social life, bullies you and ignores you. Id be asking myself What do love about the relationship? You can love him as your kids dad but leave and get better for you all x

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I hate to say it but dump the bastard.

Oh hell no!!! Honey, you are not overreacting!! Find yourself a good divorce lawyer!

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Drop the dead weight life is too short!!!

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Sweetheart he doesn’t deserve you! I don’t think he deserves his children either if he doesn’t even bother to care for them, basically he is just there so he doesn’t get the raw end of the stick with support for the kids. I’d tell him, get a job and attend to your kids or you out the door! That’s not right of a married man with kids to be out all night yet doesn’t work wth!

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No…You are NOT overreacting… That’s just wrong. He’s married and has kids as well that HE helped create. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50 with or without kids. If he truly loved w, he’d put in the time and effort to be with you and be a family. Once you’re married and especially once you become a parent… It’s time to GROW UP!!! Hope you find happiness, but it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be with him unfortunately.

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Keep the home and don’t disrupt your children, kick him out if he refuses to hop on the wagon!

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Kick his ass to the curb
You deserve better!!
He’s having an affair!!!

You’re definitely not overreacting. If he truly cared and respected you, he’d have listened to you when you first brought all of this to his attention, years ago. Instead he’s still doing whatever he wants because he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. A marriage or any relationship takes two to make it work and he’s not doing any of the work. He’s leaving it all on you. He doesn’t deserve you or your good heart. If he wants to act single, let him be single. He needs to go mama. The sooner the better.

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Its because hes stay at home dad. Men aren’t built for that and can’t handle it. I’ll bet hes sleeping with one of those girls you mentioned

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Not over reacting at all. Run, sis.

Suga, he’s cheating. Figure out your next move.

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Give him his walking papers

His would be packing his bags.

Maybe a dumb question… why is he a stay at home parent? If he was the one working and you did what he is doing what would his reaction be? I am pretty positive it wouldn’t be good. Sounds like you are already on your own so just make it official and send him on his way to hang with friends and other females… he obviously doesn’t want to be there.

Hey girl he’s messing around on u, and telling u that ur crazy or stupid and over thinking things, he’s a deadbeat get rid of him cut ur ties, and walk away. He don’t deserve a second chance, nobody does that’s cheating, man or woman!

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We need partners to make our lives easier not harder!
Stay at home status says it all! If you’re having a high salary position that’s another story but seems like you’re Making a bear minimum by mentioning a 12hours shifts. Why he stays home and not you? Is he physically unable? Sick? But then he has energy to go out all night and screw around ( he has someone!)
Get rid of him, he’s abusing you! Stop letting people walk over you, you won’t have so much energy always to work like a horse and you will regret wasting your years on someone who’s not concerned about you at all, get a live, get another partner who will be willing to support you.

He could be depressed from being home all day long.

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I guess I get confused on the stay home parent part when he doesn’t stay home? He needs to go ahead and get a job, for real. That will get him in bed at night having a normal scheduled instead of being enabled to be unmotivated and living as though he has no responsibility. I’m sure he has the kids while you work, but by the sounds of it that’s about all he does and that just isn’t enough. Especially considering your working and having the kids solo when your off. I wouldn’t settle for that, and you shouldn’t either darling. For real.

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Get rid of him he needs a job ,party time is over !!

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Even if he cheating he is not being a husband or father. Get rid of him. Stop being his mother. You make it possible for him to not grow up. Better ones out there. I know married 47 the second time around

Hire a private detective asap get your evidence secure a good attorney and start squirreling away money before he gives it all.to his mistress.

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Send him back to his mommie.

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You aren’t overreacting! Clearly, your husband has a lot of growing up to do! You need to put your foot down and demand more. If he’s not willing to give it, kick his ass to the curb. He can find someone else to take care of his lazy ass.

So he’s a stay at home parent that isn’t…parenting. Probably resents you. I’d have a talk about it but other than that, you already have been doing the single mom thing. might as well do it without a dead weight.

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Uh… Why are all of you so quick to assume and make this woman insecure? Lol. Just start showing some distance. Give him the same energy he gives you. I’m sure he’ll realize you’re being distant if he’s already feeding off your attention when he can.

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Baby he has a new pocket book financing him….Him wanting to leave, You should be the one wanting to get out of dodge

You’re WAYYY too tolerant!

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Hire a detective and have him followed and there are females that you can hire to come on to him to see if he takes the bait!!!

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Don’t waste another 13 years. Sounds like you work hard for your kids and you deserve a partner in life. That means someone to spend time, be your best friend, and support the responsibility pieces of the life you built together. Sounds like hes just doing him. Time to set him free so you can find someone deserving of the love you have to give.

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Tell him goodbye and mean it!!!

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Tell him good bye. And kick him out. He is using you.

Hello!!! You work, he doesn’t. You make the money, he doesn’t. You probably pay all the bills, what does he pay for? You cook and clean, does he do any of that? If NO, is the answer for the last 2 questions. Kick his ass out. Or save money and move out with the kids.

I would hire an attorney and divorce him

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Hes gaslighting you …

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Sounds like he’s done and has moved on but forgot (conveniently) to tell you. Now he’s just hoping you catch on and end it so he doesn’t have to!

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Make that 3 kids 1 adult.
Its like you taking care of a big baby there…if i were u, i’d kick him out n hire a maid or nanny to arrange stuff at home.
But if u still think you can save yr marriage. Discuss the root of the problem. The way I see it. he needs to change. Stop being as if he still having the single life.
It would be bye2 for me. I dont wanna live that way.

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Darling I’ve been there years ago PLEASE get out now before it’s to late no mater what’s he’s says he’s cheating its so obvious wake up take your kids and GO NOW

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All you stay at home moms need to get a job, how bout that?? Sexist and hypocritical comments on this post. Girl, he stays home and raises babies and does everything a stay at home mom does. So what if he wants a break to be around other adults or play video games. Give him a break. If it was the opposite, it wouldn’t even be talked about.

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Regardless of the situation if your significant other is telling you that your concerns are stupid and crazy that’s a huge problem. It’s gaslighting which is emotional abuse

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Sounds like you have 3 kids :unamused:

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Encourage him to find a job. I think he has lost himself and needs to rid himself of low self esteem. Consider putting kids in pt daycare . Or have him work graveyard shift on your days off. Same old routine can do that to any of us. If not seek marriage counseling before call it off!!! Is there a reason why he doesn’t work?

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He’s been cheating for years now, you are just the financial services for him nothing more. With out you what does he have. If I where you I’d get an attorney and start documenting everything if you can get a private investigator so that may be he catch him and use it in court. Without help if a good lawyer you are gonna end up paying him alimony and child support if he gets the kids.

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He’s hanging with his friends every night all night that’s sus.

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He might be cheating. I would just leave

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Go to counseling. Give it one last shot. It doesnt work out…bye bye. He needs to go.I can see him needing a break every now amd then, but going out all night is ridiculous. Talk to him about him picking 1 day to be gone up to 4 hours or so to go do whatever he wants…no more than 6 hours max,so his brain can reset after taking care of kids all week and then you both do something with each other or the kids one day a week…date night or family outing one. Try to reconnect and see if it changes anything.

You make the money or does he work at all? This sounds so fishy to me. I’d be putting my foot down cause it seems he doesn’t care at all about family and marriage it sounds like he’s a selfish ass only cares about him time and his fun

He needs to get a job. Part time if that works with your family schedule.

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Um you are not overreacting….if anything you have been way more accepting than you should be! No, he shouldn’t be out all night….and how on earth do you know all he’s doing is playing cards??? Cuz he tells you??? First of all, the fact that there’s females there makes it completely inappropriate to be out all night……seriously! And then to not help with the kids! Um no! He isn’t acting like a husband at all….he’s acting single with no responsibility. And just remember this saying “he only treats you how you LET him”. By you accepting this behavior he thinks it’s all good.

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Sorry but your husband is a man child. You need to decide if it’s worth your time and energy having a third child who obviously won’t grow up or do you want a partner in life to share everything with. Seems pretty easy decision to me.

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He’s living the good life he’s not working and doing what he wants he is also seeing a bad example for your children… give nice on it will definitely be his loss… remember WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE… TAKE THEM AT FACE VALUE

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Tell him you both need counseling. He shouldn’t be at friends houses all night. How are you that naive. He needs a job n should be willing to change.

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Get up on your night off and go with him or say you going with, if he doesn’t want you to then you got your answer. He is cheating. Also he needs a job. A man feels less of a man when he can’t provide. Lastly it’s time you made him remember why he chose to marry you. Sexy lingerie, the whole shebang lol he also needs to feel appreciated just like us women do. He is just as tired as you. Treat him special too

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Stop letting him spend your hard earned money while he’s out all night. I don’t know of any stay at home mom’s that leave after their husband gets home and stay out to the next day.

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Honestly this would drive me nuts. My husband plays video games when he has the holiday off for a few weeks and that’s enough to make me go crazy. However we are with each other every other minute of the day outside of working. At this point in your marriage your having communication issues. Possibly seek couples counseling. Express your concerns and let me know how you feel. Hey I love you and I love our family but o feel as though the relationship between us is no there. I would love to work on things we can do to have quality time together and as a family. If he pushes you off on this convo is goes to show he doesn’t give a shit and his mind is in another priority. I would just let him know he either gets in the swing of being with the family and being a great husband of he can get steeping. Not to be rude but if he is the stay at home dad not only should be be getting the kids off to school and taken care of but also he should make sure your taken care of as well, lunches, or coffee being ready. I know it’s a long post but I think your going to have to give him the full chat about get ur shit together or get out of my house. Cuz hell know how much of your money :yen: he is spending on these overnight play date!

Wanting to ĺive the life of a bachelor while still getting all the perks. He sounds very irresponsible, disrespectful and lacking in compassion amongst other things. Sounds like you and the kids would be better off without him. Don’t even for a minute second guess yourself, you’re worth a lot more. This is a very fragile environment to be raising your children. Get out while you can. Get the advice of an attorney.

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He needs to be working

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I definitely suggest counseling. You are justified to feel how you feel.

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Um…no thank you. Shitty of him don’t you think?

Marriage counseling to get you out of your rut & inject a pro into the discussion. Therapist can help you see if it’s worth saving, if you both are willing to make an effort (maybe a neutral person can get through to Mr. Thick Skull), or if you should call it quits. Might be a mid-life crisis, a gambling problem, erectile dysfunction, or feelings of inadequacy from him that could be helped w individual therapy for him too. See what’s able to be uncovered.

Of course if he refuses to go, go by yourself, but his refusal to face anything is an answer in itself.

Give him a head’s up & ask him what he wants out of life & how he’d like to see his future, with or without you and the kids. Set a time to meet with him. What were and are his hopes & dreams? What does he think he gained or gave up? Then just listen. Think about what he says, take notes if you want, then revisit the discussion a week later.

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I’m having the same EXACT issue as you. Word for word! I’m starting to think my husband is a narcissist.

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Pack your bags & leave you will be better off with out him :raised_hands:

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Sooo sad my sister. Narcissist 101

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My opinion is he, as the stay at home parent probably feels unappreciated. Reverse the gender roles. He’s being selfish now because this has been going on for years unnoticed and he’s stopped caring. You’ve waited until the brink of the end. You need to have a come to Jesus meeting. Lay it all out, find compromises and rekindle if you’re going to save your marriage.

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If the kids are in school he has time for a job or to clean the house while your gone. I have a 2yo, 5yo, 9yo, 13yo and I stay home BUT I do all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the dr apts, school events, pickups, dropoffs, etc I’m also 7 months along and of course my house isn’t perfect but I keep it up. Thats beyond disrespectful for you to work all day and come home to him going out. Let him know you won’t put up with it. Try counseling but don’t settle for pulling dead weight. A marriage is a team effort. You can’t dump water out of your boat while someone is drilling a hole in it.

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I don’t think you need advice. You know within your heart what to do. If he thinks you’re in the wrong all the time then he obviously isn’t interested. You deserve better.

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I would be so incredibly pissed if I was the only one working & he wanted to go out all night with friends & he’s not even contributing to keeping the house a float. At this point he’s like having a teenager in the house. No wayyyyy for me

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I’ve been there. But how do you know he’s not having an affair? Is it because he told you? Your not wrong, if he is willing to stay out all night but not help with the responsibilities at home and you done said something, it’s time to cut your loses.

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