So my husband have a maybe baby from when he was 19 years old, I wasn’t made aware of this until recently. We are expecting a little boy in 4 weeks time and my feelings are just so bloody all over the place, we have been together 3 years both in our 30s, I don’t get why he would keep this from me? His maybe son is 13 years old and has zero contact since he was 2 years old, when the baby mama ran away and got married to a Marine cutting all ties with my husband and his family.
He said his ashamed of not fighting for the little boy more that’s why he didn’t tell Me. Seems so suspicious especially when he couldn’t stop raving about having kids for so long and never once indicated he had already had one, i feel like him lying has taken away from our experience
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband had a kid I never knew about, I'm hurt
Sounds like a dead beat. Hear me out… if that was you… would you just let the other parent run off with the kid?? I know I sure wouldn’t. But that’s just my thoughts
Forgive and move on it was before your time but not cool he didn’t tell you
Woa. Yeah that’s shady af
Maybe he was afraid with how you would react.? I wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who wasn’t there for their other children. So maybe that’s all it is. He was afraid it would change the way you view him? Big secret to keep from you, but he hasn’t had contact with this child in 11 years. He’s not a father to that child, just shares DNA.
Before / you were married.
Maybe it was just a hard decision that he did regret. We all have stuff we don’t want to talk about. I wouldn’t hold it against him. Yes it’s a huge deal to have a kid however he hasn’t had contact with him since the child was 2. It’s probably a painful topic for him.
I’d be really questioning this. I bet he got tired of the responsibility, not that she ran off.
Red flag. If anything goes-south in your relationship, don’t expect him to be there for this kid either.
I would communicate your feelings with him, but also keep in mind his feelings on the whole situation. Guys don’t communicate well when it comes to hard times or life experiences that they’re embarrassed or had difficulties processing. Don’t throw the towel in. Talk to him.
Sounds like there may be a real reason he’s hiding as to why he doesn’t have contact with kid… I’d try to find out baby mommas info and contact her to see what happened
So he isn’t 100% sure it is even his kid. You are his wife who he should be able to share anything with. He is about to have a child and that probably made him think of his other maybe child. Men are allowed to have emotions too. The love he has for your baby has him thinking he should have fought harder to make sure baby 1 wasn’t his. You should be supporting him in trying to find out. If you had given a baby up for adoption, you don’t think your current pregnancy would have you wondering what happened to your first baby. Marriages are for supporting your person. Support your husband.
Yea me too. He turned 18, and my ex of two said "I met my exes family at the funeral, and my son wants to come visit. 
I welcomed him into our home for awhile until he left, after a disagreement with his father. If I had known he existed in the first place /his family said nothing! I would not have had two more, that shortly thereafter, he abandoned just like the first.
Should he have told her ? Yes. Is it an automatic red flag for the type of father he will be? No. Sorry, but women are also shady and vindictive. Its honestly not always the man’s fault.
It kinda sounds like he didn’t really get to have one
Shame and guilt are real when people grow and realize their past mistakes. Forgive and move on. We all have skeletons and we all have a hard time sharing them, especially with people we value their opinion of us most.
Unfortunately it is shameful to him because I’m sure he definitely wanted to be in his child’s life but the mom didn’t. Just cause women think that a man doesn’t have a heart and don’t want to take care of their children. Sometimes they can’t because the courts will ALWAYS take the mother’s side no matter what! The father thinks they can’t do anything about it unless they pay billions of dollars just to fight for their child. Most men don’t have that kind of money so they just leave it be because what else can they do? Mom’s are dead beats too!
The one question is, does he pay child support? If so, he can definitely fight in court for the child!
He may have just been afraid to tell you, and that sucks, but nothing you can do about that now. Your child is still special and this revelation shouldn’t diminish that.
I am in a fb group of people who found out via DNA testing that their parent wasn’t their actual parent (usually father was not their biological father). Can I just say, don’t hold it against the child? They are not responsible for the situation and it is more than likely a huge shock for them. I’ve read numerous stories of stepmoms refusing to allow the father to see their child, refusing to acknowledge them, threatening to leave them if they let the child into their lives, etc. And these are with grown adults! Also, how you do act now, towards the child at least, will set the tone for what kind of relationship you have with him.
I wish you the best of luck with this.
I’m just gonna say it… men are different a lot children than women. They do not have the same bond as a mother unless they have spent extensive time with them, also the maybe factor may be a reason added to the embarrassment
Sounds to me like he has a lot of shame and guilt from not being involved in His little boys life. I also think his excitement for a family and more kids in genuine. Maybe he sees it as a second chance to do things right.
Your feelings are still valid though
Definitely express your feelings to him so you can work through them together
First is this child actually his? Was paternity established? You said the mother took off and cut ties with your husband and his family. How is that his fault? Honestly he probably didn’t share because he isn’t aware of where the kid is or if it’s truly his. Give the guy a break. Instead of making this about you maybe try to empathize with him.
I know exactly how you feel. I don’t get it just be honest… that’s what gives mixed feelings!!!
I would find a way to reach out to this possibly baby momma and get her side of what happened. Also a DNA should have been done or should be done now
Granted he should have told you but it is from his past so you can’t really hold it over his head too much either. Anything done before y’all became a couple is just that. The past. Talk to him about it but don’t be harsh. Imagine how he feels about it. I’ve known a man who joined the Army and while training she divorced him running off with his daughter. It does happen.
Honestly, you have every right to be mad. There should be no secrets, especially one this big, between a married couple.
I have a feeling he was young and dumb and neglected the responsibilities of being a parent. Not that it okay. Now he feels guilt and shame probably for long time. Sometimes when we feel those its easier hide it then to face it than bring it to light by sharing with others. I think he’s hurt and knows he’s lost time and can’t go back. I’d ask him if he wants to reach out. I’d be upset but try to be more understanding emotionally. I truly don’t think he hid it for any bad reasons. You do have a right to be upset . But again I think guilt and shame held him back from opening up about that part of his life. Yes he shoulda said so from the beginning,but honestly… if he told you “I have a son but no contact” you probably wouldn’t have stuck around with someone like that. I’d also maybe get a DNA test.
Maybe he raved about it cause he didn’t have that with his son
As someone who had to fight for my child for 7 years, I didn’t tell anyone I had one. When I finally got custody and moved was when most of my closest friends and some of my family found out I even had a son. It is a very difficult and painful thing to talk about. Something private on a level of sexual assault. Imo no one is entitled to know your most painful secrets until they are ready to tell them.
If you want him to be honest with you talk openly and put your emotions aside. His are more important right now, on this one subject. And you can help him get contact again.
You have the power to help him heal this wound or make it substantially worse.
19 so young he may be ashamed. Work it out. Enjoy your family.
He hasn’t been a Dad! She took off with the kid. Don’t be so hard on him and if it is his, never be cruel to the child! Does he lie about other things in your life together? Have you had other reason to not trust him? I know your hormones are going nuts but let it go. Stress and anger will cause stress on the little life inside you.
Ok y’all enough with the bashing! I as a mother of three and two ex husbands can understand BOTH sides! He probably thought it was a lost cause to try when the mother ran off. He was hurt and healed and moved on. Look at it as he’s now uncovering a terrified that it would come to light and he would be viewed as a bad father. He hasn’t been there from the start with a baby give him some grace work through it. Ask for clarity and don’t judge that’ll bring a lot of hurt and a rift between the two of you. No one is perfect and once we all wrap our heads around that we can fully understand that we all fall sometimes. Don’t paint a picture of someone and then not change it as time goes on. He was young then, trust me things happen you have to either accept it or don’t and move on.
At least he feels ashamed that he didn’t fight for him and he was really young when that happened.
You have your remember, he was 19. Very young. Barely an adult himself at the time. I don’t think he didn’t tell you to be malicious or secretive. But he didn’t know what to do. And the mother ran off, he probably didn’t know he had any options or if he did, couldn’t afford to do anything about it. You can’t be hard on him for something he had no control over and was young at the time himself. He probably felt ashamed and like crap that he wasn’t able to be in his kid’s life and felt he couldn’t do anything about it. Sounds like, he really wasn’t able to be a father like he maybe wanted to. So he was forced to move on. Courts usually take the mother’s side. None of this was any fault of his own. Talk to him. Express how you feel. But keep in mind. He was young, hindsight is 20/20 and he did the best he was forced to do. Maybe he’s excited with this baby because he didn’t have the chance to with his first. Don’t push him away. See his side too. This is tough on him too.
I don’t think you can really consider it as he lied to you. He just didn’t tell you. You may be being overly sensitive because you are pregnant.
I wouldn’t be able to stay with him. Not for keeping this child a child from you as much as not stepping up being a father. He was around for 2 years & never sought rights? He sounds like an irresponsible a$$hole. He’ll probably do the same to your kid.
This happened to me. It eventually destroyed the marriage, all trust was gone. I felt so betrayed and just never got over it
Maybe her leaving and cutting his ties to his kid hurt him. It could be a very sore subject that he may still hurt from. It’s not like he knocked someone up when you were with him. He essentially had a kid for 2 yrs that was stolen from him. Tell me that wouldn’t hurt you to talk about. Maybe it was easier to not talk about it. Men deal with pain differently. Maybe sit and have a real conversation about it with him without accusing him of hiding it from you.
Tell em exactly how you feel
Honestly shame is a pretty damn good reason for this. No one wants to admit they didn’t fight for their child. There are some people out there that NEVER EVER speak of children they have somewhere out in the world. I think it’s really mean for you to question something like this. It’s not an easy situation he’s in no matter how black and white people want to make it. He’s ashamed of himself and he really doesn’t need his wife questioning his integrity and making it worse. This isn’t about you even in the slightest. It’s about him. How about being supportive and asking him what kind of support he needs. Maybe you guys can track the kid down and get a test. Just stop telling yourself it’s an attack on you or your marriage. No one tells each other EVERYTHING. We all have our secret shame.
What else his non-daddy ass to his 13yr old son is lying about.
Tell him how you feel … give him the chance to explain how things went down all those years ago. In his heart, he may love that child and long for relationship, however if the mother doesn’t want him in the picture, it would have and will take ALOT of money to change things, not saying the child is not worth it, because they most definitely ARE. However, not everyone has that kind of money laying around and maybe he did not want to burden you with that.
So is it his kid or not? You keep calling him a “maybe kid” lol
I’m not sure what this is bringing up for you? Maybe hurt feelings like he didn’t trust you to tell you? He was 19 and she split with the kid. Men don’t have the rights that women have for children and have to really fight. Don’t shame him and make it worse. Are you upset at not having his first child? Not sure what the upset is about
My mom found out about my sister 35 years later when she came to find him. The mother didn’t want to move and my dad was posted elsewhere. The mom chose to raise her on her own and forbid her to contact my dad when she found out.
Two lessons-the truth always comes out and how people deal with their past mistakes going forward tells you more about their character.
Listen to your husband, hear his perspective and ask him how HE is going to handle the situation.
The shame he feels is real. He really wants kids. But was possibly more concerned about shaking this boys life up. He should have told you, regardless. You’re not wrong for being upset. The fact that he’s ashamed though, should tell you a lot about him.
He never meant to leave that child behind. But circumstances out of his control happened and he probably felt lost and defeated for a long time.
We don’t always tell others our pain. He has had to live with that for 11(?) years, struggling alone. Every time he saw a baby, he wondered what his kid looked like. There is more to his story, pain he hasn’t released or acknowledged. What says he didn’t WANT that baby? What says he didn’t pursue it because he knew his situation wouldn’t allow him to provide the life that Marine would. Do we bash women who choose to put up a child for adoption for that same reason? Do fathers not have the same pain at a loss of a child due to miscarriage, abortion, or adoption out, or in this case, a mom who ran away with HIS child? If a father had tried to take the child, he would have been slammed in jail, but not necessarily a mom. I stand up for dad’s who got a raw deal, and it sounds like he got that. What was HIS support system back then? Did HE have parents willing to stand up and fight with him, loan him money to battle in courts? Isn’t SHE just as guilty if not more so for keeping that child from him? I’ve seen dads who are good men denied access to their child because a woman is vindictive, blocking them from any part of the child’s life. What says that marine didn’t step in and convince dad he could offer a better life and would adopt the child? There is too much unknown to pass angry judgement on that father.
He is honest with you now. He wants you to know his pain, but he won’t love your child any less. Seeing a mom who lost her first son at time when adoption was mandatory for unwed females—she loved her second son, and grandsons, more than her heart could manage! She desperately missed her first born and wanted another to help fill that void. Your husband wanted another. He wanted a baby with you. He is older, he is most likely in a better situation, and he has so much to offer your child he couldn’t give to his first. And he may have “gone through this birth process before”, but he hasn’t gone through it with you. You are the love in his heart. And so will your child be. Move forward, together. If you ever meet his first son, accept him. He is not at fault for his parents’ struggles. He is part of your husband’s past, but you are his now and his future.
As for your pain. It is hard to accept that what you thought was one way was not. It’s disappointment. It’s natural reaction.
But let it go for your sake. And build your family around the positives. Good luck to you all.
Get over it, he was young & horney, &stupid, she married & it’s over, why drag this into your now life with a child coming. If he was so involved with this child, he would have pursued that situation & the girl would have pursued him, not, since she married & moved on like he’s trying to do with you.
He knew he could be the father and didnt do a paternity test. Hes irresponsable and a dead beat.
I am a child of this exact situation. My dad hid the fact that I existed from his 3 wife when they got together. I was 13 when she found out about me. They had 2 daughters together and he had a daughter with his 1st wife. He had not been in my life since I was 1. He didn’t intentionally hide me he just thought since I was not around and no real chance that I would be he didn’t need to say anything. I just so happened to find my great grandmother in my search for him and that forced him into telling the truth. His marriage did not survive even thought I didn’t actually meet him till I was 21. 1 of my sisters actually blames me for their failed marriage. Luckily for you, you can go into this situation now with all the cards on the table and decide together how to handle this.
Just because you are married, does not make him have to tell you everything about his life. Sounds like a you problem. It’s not your right to know everything about his life.
Maybe just Maybe your husband should find out for sure if the child is his
Sounds like he never had one
I am sure he carries enough madness for the both of you
Communicate how you feeling.
Seems sus bcuz he couldn’t stop raving about having kids…
no, that actually makes perfect sense
I don’t understand what exactly you are upset about. He didn’t lie to you because it was never brought up, I guess lying by omission. How would him having a kid out there somewhere “take away” from you having a child with him? Because you didn’t have his first? He sounds like he is hurting, be understanding with him.
My dad had told me, before he passed, that he may have another daughter. Her mother didn’t let my dad see her or have anything to do with her. At all. It’s sad to think I may have another sibling out there that me and my brother will more than likely never meet. And even if she did happen to learn about my dad and wanted to get to know him, she can’t… Women who keep kids away from their fathers for no reason other than they didn’t want to be with them are low.
He was young he feels ashamed im sure he regrets not telling u but I see no reason to be suspicious.
This is one of the few times you will hear me not side with the women. He was ashamed of himself. I get that. Alot of women have abortions or put a baby of for adoption and never tell anyone out of shame, and most the time their husbands never find out either. Let it go.
Well a maybe baby…that seems a tad ridiculous to be worried about…obviously he went on with life and so did she…hes was a teen and 19 he was still a kid…just go on with life if the kid isnt banging at your door asking for a piece of his maybe daddy let it go
“Maybe kid” my ass!! He knows damn well that is his child. He just wasn’t man enough to fight for his rights nor was he man enough to tell you when you two became seriously involved. The fact that he never told you speaks volumes on what a dog he really is. What else has he kept all these years? Or what else will he keep from you in the future. I’d be upset too. It definitely takes a little joy away from experiencing what was supposed yalls “1st” child in this world TOGETHER ( for you personally ). It is a tough situation to be in at the moment…
Why complicate it? Youre overthinking this. He had the baby before you were with him. He has his reasons not to tell you and you should respect that…and its a good thing he did open up to you. He trusts you enough to tell his darkest days which most men wont tell…u cannot control what has happen. Focus on the present n future building each other up…its up to you tho if you wanna complicate things.
Move on. He shared and it was many years ago. Perhaps having a baby reopened old wounds. He loves you .He wants the baby you created.
This child has a different life. He may not even know about him
Didn’t he take away HER CHOICES from the very beginning by lying??? To think you know someone and find out they hid a child for 3 years??? Disgusting
You are processing this trauma. It is traumatic as it pulls into question everything you currently have built much like a breakup would do.
Nobody can advise you from this point forward. You have to process this information with as clear of mind as possible to avoid making a permanent decision based on pure raw emotion.
May you find peace and enjoy the birth of your beautiful baby.
It’s in the past. You’re the future and the now.
Maybe he had no choice but
To forget the kid maybe he wasn’t sure the kid was acually his . Yea he should of said something but if he didn’t know the truth himself y say something that could be false. Sit him down and ask y he felt like not telling u was nessary I don’t think it’ll rob you of the experience because every child birth experience is different I get ur mad but maybe talk to him help him find the child if he really wants it
I betcha he was ashamed. That’s probably exactly why he didn’t say anything. That, and because he felt like he couldn’t do anything about it anyway since he’s 13 and has a different man raising him this whole time. He probably was raving about kids because he probably does want to raise a child that’s his own. I’d imagine he misses his child and wants another chance. But you also said it’s a maybe child. Maybe the mother knows it’s not his and didn’t want to tell him. Give him a break
So much that I could type out and say. But I would be here all day. Short version I’m gonna say run! There is going to be so much more you find out about this person that is worse. This is coming from someone who has been through this exact scenario. Please PM me if you would like to chat
How is it suspicious??? He has had no contact for 11 years.
He didn’t lie because 1) it was never brought up 2) he wasn’t allowed to be in that father/dad roll & 3) it was well before y’all’s time together…. Sometimes we make mountains out of mole hills when they shouldn’t be. You are wasting time, energy & creating a divide with your husband while worried about a non-issue when you are 4 weeks from giving birth to a beautiful blessing with your HUSBAND….
He’s at his lowest now…worst thing would be to leave him…I would stand by his side and first things first see a way to find if maybe baby is his and get a DNA test…and go from there…until you know 100000000% don’t make him loose another child over nothing…
Take away from y’all’s experience? He was never there to experience anything. Like, she literally took off with the child. He was ashamed to talk about it. Instead of telling him to look for his son or to find out weather it’s really his. You’re worried about it taking away from your experience. He was 19 and I could be wrong but before you.
You’re hormonal and upset. Which is understandable but I’m sure he already carries that guilt around with him. No need to add salt to the wound. Especially, if the boy isn’t in y’all’s life.
It’s not your business really. He didn’t tell you is because he kinds wanted to pretend the kid didn’t exist as the kid was snatch it from him . Now you know it doesn’t make much of difference. If that bothers you so much good luck being a single mom.
In my opinion i would leave for good since he wasn’t honest from the beginning… what else is he lying about? Not everyone want’s to be with someone that already has kids… i most def wouldn’t so be honest from the beginning that would cause less problems!!!
He should of told you, your his wife and I don’t care how " ashamed" he felt, he should of told you.
I am sorry. He should’ve told you. I understand how you feel it’s taking away from your experience because you thought this was the first time for both of you. Telling you now makes you feel silly. Don’t let this spoil your pregnancy and joy.
This happened to my daughter’s biological donor. He chose to hide the fact he had a child. We never wanted to be together and it just happened. He chose not to tell his family or the woman he married. She found out by mistake. She contacted me and I felt bad that she didn’t know but it also wasn’t my fault he never told anyone. The truth always comes out. My daughter lives happy and doesn’t need anything from anyone.
Don’t make matters worse. Just let it be
I know a man that paid 20 years of Child Support without a DNA test!
I don’t think that the child is his in my case!
Girl I got married the next year he let me file taxes with him. That’s when i found out he paid child support for 2 kids. And then he said they wasnt his. Then I found out how they got him on support and it was right. But I was so mad at him. First off im a mother and a man has children I want to know cause if he aint taking care of his own I dont want him playing daddy to mine. Plus if he aint upfront about a child how can u really trust him. That was the only man I found that has lied about their kids. And If he sees the child or not it shouldn’t matter. If u have a possible child u know of U tell it. I had men tell me well in my day I was a hoe and could have more then this many out here but theses r the ones i know for sure. I would find out why he didn’t tell u sooner? Talk about how it made u feel. And maybe seeing for sure if the child is so ur child knows their siblings at least. And maybe ur husband can work on that relationship of he is.
I’ve been there and let the lie of omission slide too. Better find out if that’s the only one he has.
Girl, it’s fine. Honestly if you had known from the beginning, would it have stopped you from being with him? If not, it doesn’t matter.
He could have another child he doesn’t even know exists.My fiance and father of my child, had many partners before me. He isnt aware of any child that is his, but that doesn’t mean a 10yr old wont pop up somewhere. Life happens.
Very first line you said a ‘maybe baby’ so that tells me he never knew for sure if it was his kid or not.
I don’t think he lied, it just didn’t come up at all and he was too ashamed to admit it because he probably thought you’d be disappointed in him for not being there for his son and not fighting for him more. The reason he was so excited to have another child is because he wasn’t and couldn’t be there for his other child so he would be excited to actually have a child he can be a father to, a child he can be around and give love to. It is such a long time to not tell you, but people think differently, don’t be too hard on him.
For one get over it
For 2 ur having a baby with him
For 3 his baby mumma moved away and cut all ties
Not his fault at all
Like you said it was a “maybe baby”. He could have seriously thought the child wasn’t his and probably didn’t want to hurt you. But still he should have told you about the child. I understand how upsetting that could be but ask for a dna test to see if the child is actually his and go from there. There’s no reason it should take away from your experience with this new baby. He wasn’t there for any of the other child’s stuff. Let him experience things with you since the other mom ran off with the baby
I would encourage him to be a dad to his son if that is possible considering prior circumstances. I would be pissed over the fact he did not fight for his son, but he can change it and be proactive now.
So it maybe his and maybe not?! If he is his, its a blessing! Why bring up a maybe anyways?! No guarantees
I’ve been in this exact situation. I know what you’re feeling. Baby was 2 when mom took off and cut all ties. Child is now 22. My husband did tell me about it before we got married, ( I was also pregnant) He felt such guilt and shame for not fighting. He was young. I saw his pain and didn’t judge him. The child to this day wants nothing to do with him because sadly, she’s been lied to her whole life. Fast forward…I have 3 boys and 2 girls with him and he is the best dad to our kids! I couldn’t have asked for a better dad for my kids. We’ve been married almost 16 years now. Give your husband grace and try to understand him. I know it’s hard.
Relax. Apparently he doesn’t even know if it’s his and she took the child away. Its painful. Why make it even more so?
His was rather an omission. It probably never started out to be that way, intentionally hidden from you. And as time moved forward with you and the excitement of a life with you and now the excitement of a child with you.
Believe him when he says he was ashamed for not fighting for him. That would be a difficult feeling and experience to share. He has buried it for 13 years where it was not on the tip of his tongue. Teenagers rarely have the maturity to know how their today choices affect their tomorrows life. Whereas now he is older and has obviously had much time to process. Having and sharing this time with you and the feelings of actually being able to be a part of his child’s birth and life must be touching him deeply. Personally, I would not kick him to the curb. I would honor what he shared as a terrible loss in his life. The future moving forward and how you deal with your feelings about it can either draw you closer or separate you. I’m sorry he didn’t share earlier. The fact of a maybe child does not distract from you truly giving him his whole hearted, family building son. Cherish the time!
Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your son!
Maybe he never said anything because he hasn’t been allowed contact for 10+ years… if baby momma left the area she clearly didn’t care enough. Yes he should have come clean. However its not a deal killer is it? If it is then something is wrong with you. It is possible for any man to have a kid and not know. He should request a DNA test though.
I can see things from your point of view… if my husband had a child that I didn’t know about, I would be upset about it. However, I really see it from his point as well. If what he is telling you is true, he (possibly) had a child with someone and that someone took his child and ran off and married someone else and wouldn’t let him see his child. Then on top of that, he didn’t fight to see the child. He probably feels extremely shitty and is probably embarrassed of himself. And him talking about he wants kids and all that, maybe he does. It’s possible that he wanted his first child too but his ex just took off with it. I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you should try to understand where he is coming from… his reasoning and motive behind keeping quiet about it.
On a side note… did you ever ask him if he had any children or did you just assume that he didn’t because there was never a child around? Because if you asked and he said no, then he lied to you, in which case your feelings are completely justified. If you never asked and you just assumed, then he didn’t lie to you, he omitted stuff from you, which is still wrong, but completely different from flat out lying to you.
He knows that’s his baby …he is still lying like a mug!!! More so he isn’t taking care of said child!!!Good Luck with that one.
He should have told you…but saying she took off with him & cut all ties…hard to be really mad at him. I’m sure it’s been a real hurt for him by the sounds of it. I suggest talking with him and really get it out about his feelings. Might help him imo
I feel bad for his pain.
A cousin of mine recently found out he has an adult daughter, and his wife and him have 4 children together. They’ve been together for over 14 years at this point.
He has 3 older adult children besides the daughter, and the 4 with his wife. He had no idea the woman was carrying his child all that time ago. The adult child figured it out on her own and reached out.
His wife is actually happy he knows about the daughter now. She’s been very supportive and accepting. She looks at it as just another member of their already blended family.
Don’t look too much into him not saying anything. He probably thought he would never see the child again, and if he didn’t know for certain the child was his he most likely didn’t think bringing it up was something relevant. Especially if it was something that caused him pain when the child was moved away.
You have every right to feel hurt and lied to, but if your husband doesn’t know if the child is his and there hasn’t been any contact for 11 years, it doesn’t take away from your life that you have set up. Take some time to heal and maybe some space if you need.