My husband literally only works and sleeps: Am I overreacting?

I worked 3rd while having my 3rd and 4th child. I got off, took my 1st and 2nd child to school and getting little to no sleep… I’m not saying this is the standard, but parenting is hard! I took care of mine… He should not sleep 12 hours a day.

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It would certainly concern me but I would encourage anyone in that situation to step back and look at the bigger picture. There are a lot of factors that could contribute to that much time needing sleep - not the least of which is simply physically adjusting to a new job at new hours which requires some people longer time to adapt to. It can also be a major symptom of depression or even symptoms that might warrant a trip to your family doctor!

Because she is in the position of feeling stressed and taking it very personally already, it is tough to step back and try to see if there is any other factors involved but until she does that, she IS over-reacting because she doesn’t even know what she is reacting to - she is just GUESSING. Not a great relationship builder in itself.

Honestly you can tell who hasn’t work a 3rd shift job in the comments.
I’ve worked 10pm to 10am for about two years now. And there are some days I crash really hard and sleep all day. Not ideal but it happens. My body still isn’t use to being a vampire. We aren’t nocturnal animals. But that being said, he has to try and make an effort. And he can’t take out his frustrations on you.
Sometimes there’s been weeks I get 3 hours worth of sleep on my work days and sleep on my day off. I do what I gotta do for my kids just the same attitude I have when I signed up for this job. My kids deserve a mother. Just like your kids deserve their father. He needs to better time management.

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Male perspective:
I worked a swing shift (230p-1a) though the first 2 years of my daughter’s life.
I adjusted my hours to make it where I saw them as much as possible.
I slept (and still sleep) 4-5 hours a day. No problem.
If he is stating he need 12+ hours of sleep just because he works 3rd shift, he is bullshitting you hard.
He is avoiding his responsibilities by claiming he needs extra rest.
A shift is a shift you just have to manage your day correctly.
We do what we have to do to be good husbands and fathers no matter what the situation is.
Call him out.
Cause if you give him a inch he will take a 100 miles.
My $0.02

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I work 8p-8a then come home in the morning to a 7 yr old. I’m up till at least 2. Im lucky if I get 12 hrs sleep in 3 day.

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You didnt mention whether you are a SAHM or if you work. Asking him to wake early to spend family time is a bit messed up. That’s like asking a daytime shift worker to wake up at 4 am for family time. It would be waking up 3 hours early which means he’ll struggle and crash sooner during his shift. If anything you need to ask him to stay up some extra time when he gets home in the morning for family time. That would be like activities after work before & after dinner to a standard shift worker.

Working a graveyard shift can be very challenging on a sleep schedule but spending 12 hours in bed is a bit excessive. Sleep 8 hours and spend the other 4 with family, helping with kids then prepare for work. My sister has been working graveyard shift at a psych hospital for over 6 years. Of course she struggled at first but she got married and had a kid, then went thru divorce and finish school and still accomplished daily task alone WITH A KID. There’s no excuse. He just doesn’t want to

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My bf works from 7am to 4pm. I only work maybe 1pm to 6pm. (Only because I’m pregnant and working till i can). There are days that when he leaves I’ll nap before I go to work. When he comes home he’ll nap and. I’m up till 9+. He had to work a whole week the past two weeks. And he was very tired in one of those days because he hadn’t gotten a day off. And I was ok with him sleeping. Or sometimes hell sleep all night.

No but if he don’t make time for you and him something is wrong keep a eye open

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I was this person on midnights. After 8 months I had to switch to swing shift. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, some people just can’t handle the midnight shift :grimacing:

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I’d say he needs to get a different job. If that dosent help I’d say maybe he’s just done with the relationship. Too bad for the kids tho. One thing I can say from experience as week goes on your need more sleep on that midnight shift.

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Then kick him out! That’s what he wants!

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It shouldn’t really be for you it should really be for his kids. So the kids know dad loves me and wants to spend time with me . His reaction is pretty slack. It says much about how he feels about spending time with his family.

If it’s only been 1 month it will take his body time to adjust to a different schedule. I am not a person who can work nights I never slept and was miserable. If it continues after another couple weeks then I’d be mad but we are meant to be awake during the day and sleep at night it will take some time to adjust to the new schedule.

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Girl…your man has a job. Take care of him💗 if you aren’t working then your job is the house n kids.

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Thankfully my husband no longer works that shift. Its just hard! Praying you find the balance you both need.

My husband has night shift he sleeps 6am to about 145pm then he has the kids while I work. How do u sleep 12+ hrs ?

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He works. Good. BUT 12 hours of sleep? Nah, not in my house. Sorry, but he has to be an active part of the family. No excuses. Thankful he works for you but that is not enough. #unpopularopinion

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3rd shift is an adjustment - it can take 6 weeks or more to get used to

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3rd shift is hard to work for some people. Definitely takes a bit to get into the swing. I did the exact same when I was working it. Don’t take it personally. Just express your feelings but also remember to be thankful.

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Night shift sucks and takes some time to get used to. I work from 9:30pm-6:30am… I’m lucky if I get to bed on time (before 9am and up around 3) and when covid hit having my 7 YO at home, it’s sucks I know but ask him if waking up earlier then take a nap

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It’s not easy working a night shift. He’s tired. He needs to sleep. His body is adjusting to a new schedule. You try working a night shift and see how it is. Then you can be in his shoes and see how it is

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Ok but… nightshift is HARD. Have you tried it?
I say tell him it bothers you… but also tell him you know it must be hard to adjust and you understand and appreciate what he is doing for his family… and then ask him to work on it
And then him some more adjustment time… like another 2 months.

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I work at Amazon Sunday through Wednesday from 6:30pm till 5:00am and I’m a single mother with three kids and one is handicapped and on hospice yeah that’s total bullshit he does need to start acting like a member of the family go live back with mommy then if you want to act like a teenager and sleep all day I would not put up with that not one bit

It took me like 2 weeks to get adjusted when you have kids you have to grind

Who’s the new girl in his life? Just saying

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Night shift really knocks your body around and can take months to get used to. Without experiencing it you wouldn’t understand, I think you’re over reacting atm.

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He sounds like he has depression.

3rd shift is an adjustment and everyone is different. When I worked 3rd shift I could not wake myself up early enough to do much. I switch my day around and would stay up after work by taking kids to school, running errands, cleaning, and then go to bed.

So if he got up earlier what would his time look like in between getting up and going to work. Is it going to be cleaning and doing a honey-do list or is he going to be spending some actual time with his kids or actual time with you sitting and talking, relating or intimate time? If he’s already tired because he hasn’t adjusted yet the thought of having to get up to do a honey-do list and get ready to go to work could be why it’s keeping his desire to stay in bed longer . I know I would want to stay in bed longer if the only reason I was getting up was to do a honey-do list.

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Third shift is a hard shift for our bodies to adjust too give him some more time be glad he wants to work and take care of his family

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Kind of agree with others, it’s just been a month. How old is he? Because that matters too. His body needs to adjust and is his job very physical? My husband has had several jobs all different hours and different types and it has changed his sleep schedule around. After a bit Maybe he should see a Dr and have his levels checked because low vitamin d and Iron can make you extremely fatigued and sleep 12+ hours and still be tired.
Editing to add. Back when I was pregnant with my first child I used to work overnight at Walmart stocking shelves. My shift was 10:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. . We would get home at 7:00 in the morning and I will lay down around 9:00 or 10:00 and sleep till 9:00 that night, yeah I know I was pregnant but if someone is suffering from low vitamins or other issues you can easily sleep that long or longer. :woman_shrugging:t3:

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I call BS, he needs to get his ass up and helping you out. There’s more going here, nobody is sleeping that much. It’s not like he’s working 12hr shifts! I’d be pissed too

Check his computer. Might be surprised what you find. Also cellphone.

I can understand the first week or so adjusting is difficult because my husband switches to that shift sometimes(11pm-7am)) and when he does he is groggy and exhausted for a few weeks but even though he’s tired he still makes it a priority to spend time with his son and helps me so I don’t let my mental health go down the drain either.
I understand sleeping a little extra, but staying in the room from 8am-9pm is him completely avoiding responsibility and being lazy. On a normal day of this shift my husband gets home and gets to sleep around 8am and sleeps until 4 or 5 and then he’s up with us. Not saying it’s not hard for him bc he hates that shift but he wants to spend time with his son so he makes it a priority. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

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Years of that shit avoiding life then blaming me for it. No body needs that much sleep year after year. My lawyer says. That’s avoiding life. Responsibility. And being a lazy ass. Thirty years broke me down. Then it’s other avoiding life stuff. I got blamed for it. Thirty years and sleeping his life Away his choice one year to adjust turned into a life career of avoiding us and life. After divorce, he’s still doing it so, I keep going. God bless.

Night shift takes a toll physically and mentally. He’s probably depressed because of the adjustment and never really being up to see the light of day. It took me forever to adjust. And by no means am I adjusted, I just sleep an hour or two a day.

Try a different approach to communicate.

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3rd shift can really be draining.

My husband worked 3rd shift when we first got married about 14 yrs ago and he worked 7pm to 7 am with a hour drive there and a hour drive back I was pregnant and also a teen so I didn’t have my license and he came home and slept until about 2 or 3 pm and still did all of our errands! So he was getting 6-7 hours of sleep a day and thats if he went straight to sleep when he got home which he didn’t do too often! If he WANTS to spend time with his family he will! There is a difference in real men doing what they have to do for their family and boys doing what you allow them to do! Not to mention he was only 20 at the time! Don’t accept less than you and your children deserve!!

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Night shift can actually cause depression because of lack of vitamins from the sun

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Kick him out. He asked for it.

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My boyfriend works 3rds and he still manages to spend time with us for like 5 hours before he has to go to work, the comments that he made tho when you told him how u felt were a little ridiculous. Yes 3rds is hard work, I have done it myself but u still have to make time for your family to

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That was my schedule when I worked nights. My husband didn’t complain and cleaned and cooked so I could sleep. Night work may not be the best for him.

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He sounds sad depressed and getting used to night shift. Leave him be

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What does he do on his day off?

My man works a couple day shifts and then a couple night shifts. It was super annoying and difficult to adjust to with me staying home with 3 kids… BUT that’s why he took the annoying shift, was to make more money for me to be home with the kids like I’ve asked… with as hard and as long of shifts he does for work he needs his sleep. As a stay at home mom I had to remind him I’m on a Neverending schedule that is exhausting as well and still need his help but also his children need and want his time. I also allowed him the time he needed to adjust first and asked him to please start joining us again when he feels he is rested enough to. Idk what your man does…but working while exhausted can be so dangerous. allow him time to adjust and then bring it up to him during a time when you’re not stressed about him still being asleep when you feel he should be up and ask him how you two can compromise on the situation because it’s not working out for you…but remember its also probably not working well for him yet either (he probably misses you and your kids but he know he NEEDS the sleep to get through this new schedule and doesn’t know what to do or say when you’re upset with him about it). I know it’s hard for a family to all adjust to it, just breathe and remember why he does it

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I struggled with being so tired when I worked nights no matter how much sleep I got, but that shouldn’t give him a free pass to be a dick. He should still acknowledge your concerns as valid and do his best.

I’ll say a few things here. Number one no you’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m sure you don’t sleep for 12 plus hours every single night. He’s being unreasonable in the way he has that nasty attitude. Now number 2 I’ve worked the night shift most of my adult life and I’ll say it’s a very different and difficult adjustment for anyone to make. We are not meant to work nights and sleep days. It’s very hard to get a balance. And it can take a few months before your body gets used to it. You’ll always be tired no matter how much you sleep during the day. It really does take some getting used to. I agree he needs to be more active in your family but the adjustment is very difficult and it’s alot harder on some ppl than it is others. I think the issue is more about how he spoke to you and said he works and sleeps and you still find a way to bitch. That’s unbelievable to me. I would give him a few months to adjust and then if something doesn’t change like he should be getting up around 4 for kids and dinnertime and maybe take an hour nap before work or sleep till lunch get up for a few hours and go back to bed for a few hours if he doesn’t start doing something like that in a few months you should try talking to him again. I definitely understand and I’m not trying to say your concerns are not valid but it really is just something his body has to work out and get used to. For now I’m afraid you’ll only be making things worse in your already rocky relationship if you press him in this. Trust me if it were possible for him to wake up sooner he would. Night shift takes alot from a person and their life. It’s an absolutely terrible shift to work especially if you have kids and a family.

Working all night is HELL. I did it for 7 months and then just couldn’t anymore. It messes up every rhythm and routine in your body. You need to let him find the routine that works for him he’ll get it straightened out stop harping at him! When I was working nights my hubby was working days. We didn’t even get the same days off. Stand by your man.

AND… Some one on here commented who’s his new girl!?? SERIOUSLY!! He’s home when he’s not at work, so planting seeds in an already shaky relationship! Do not listen to that crap!

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I work nights and am a mum of 2… like someone else just said… if he wants to be apart of the family he would, there is no need to be in bed for 12 hours.

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I work the same shift and manage to get up at noon with my child. During the school year I don’t get back home to sleep from dropping her off until 830-9am… we are expected to do it as moms there’s literally no excuses!

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But why does it bother you? Depending on the type of work etc, that shit can be tiring, and with time will probably adjust and not be so tired, but damnn… At least he cares enough to provide for the family, it’s all about compromise of both parties really, but if you’ve ever workerd, or being a working mum, I’m sure you’ll understand how exhausting that can be, and hey, he gets tired too…

I worked 3 shift 9pm-7am for a little over a year and still spent time with my family

HE LITTERALLY TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO AND SAID IT WOULD BE A FAVOUR!!! yeet him out of your life forever…good grief!!

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I did 10pm to 7am at circle k and I only slept for about 5 or 6 hours after I got up wake his mf ass up and make him help you with his kifs

No not overreacting but sleeping that much could be signs of Depression or something else

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It takes time for one’s body to adjust to a complete opposite schedule than it is used just as it is hard for you to adjust and understand this adjustment. I too just began working a swing shift schedule and I am a single, newly divorced mother of 4 children and trust me when I say I’m struggling to adjust to my new schedule. However it has been almost 2 months for me and I am finally getting used to being able to juggle my home life responsibilities with my work schedule on less sleep than I was once used to. There is light at the end of the tunnel, be patient with him and his body and allow him to adjust, it will get easier on all of you! Love him through it and praise that man for working those hours and coming home to his family, I promise it could be worse.

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Working graveyard is definitely hell, and take a minute to get adjusted to but you’re absolutely not overreacting at all. I have a 3 year old and a fiancé and i work 7pm-7am. I get home around 8 am fall asleep around 9am and am up at literally 3 pm at the LATEST. Normally 1 pm. It’s exhausting but I still find plenty of time for them BOTH!

I work from 7pm to 5:30 am n I sleep till bout 1 n get up n do stuff for my kiddos

It takes a few months to get used to it. Trust me, it’s brutal. Absolutely brutal. Give it 3 months and you’ll notice a big change. By 6 months he will be used to it and won’t be so worried about getting enough sleep on this weird schedule. Also that shift does take a toll on you and he should think about another shift

I’m sorry night shift does suck ass. But he can easily come home sleep for about 4-5 hours till 12pm get up help and do stuff around the house and then stay up till about 5/6pm and go back to sleep to get ready for the night. I used to work nights same shift as him as a CNA come home get ready go to church at 8, do some stuff and then go to bed sleep for a few hours get back up do whatever I needed to do make dinner about 5 pm what ever eat and then go back to bed and sleep till it was time to go to bed all while I was pregnant. He’s just making excuses and and being unfair.

Yeah well im gonna say this if you’ve never worked 3rd shift then you have no idea on the toll it takes on your body. My doctor told me to get off overnights its so unhealthy for you your body will never biologically get used to it. That being said I still take care of my kids/house but im lucky if I sleep for 5 hours a day so I am a real nightmare most of the time🤷🏻

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I work the night shift and I do this too sometimes. I go to bed at 9am but spend hours just trying to get to sleep and then by the time I do get to sleep, I don’t wake up until it’s time to go to work. It takes time for your body to unwind after being awake all night. First shifters don’t come home and go straight to bed, it’s not normal to expect a 3rd shifter to be able too either.

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my husband working night shift did the same thing. (best thing that happened, even tho it was rough, was him getting fired and changing to a day job). he now is a part of us and is an actual human and not a night shift zombie who sleeps his life away!:blue_heart:

Sounds like hes looking for an out.

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My husband worked swing shift and when he would work 3rds he would get up and spend time with us. He would actually get upset if I didn’t get him up to do so.

I’ve worked all shifts but midday and over night hit different. Idk about his job but my job is demanding and I have built in and sometimes mandatory ot. And If the give me the chance I’d sleep all day too. Is he at least helping on his days off? If not then I’d say it’s a problem.

Your body is not made for being up all night consistently. Leave the guy alone and do your duty as a stay at home mom

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He may be getting used to the schedule… Did he always work 3rd??

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Why is some people not one taking in account that’s some manipulative as heck crap to say to someone period no excuse…

“Well if it bother you so bad, why don’t you just kick me out already, and do us both a favor.”

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When my husband worked for Coke (super physical job) his sleep got all f’d up and it wasn’t even 3rd shift. It’s an adjustment and 3rd shift is even worse. Also did he go from a not so physical job to something that is? That all makes a difference and everyone is different :woman_shrugging:t3:

Hard to say when I adjusted from 8s to 12s on nights it took me a few months to adjust and would sleep all day. Found out that I was anemic and had severely low vitiam D. May be good to have blood work done to see if there is a reason he feels the need to sleep so much.

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haha omg I can’t even. imagine being him, ONLY working. sleep is not a relaxation, comfort or anything. it’s a necessity. how terrible. to only work. worse. you’re not over reacting you’re completely ignorant.

Changing the bodies normal sleep pattern is really hard. I understand his reaction.

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Hay I did 11 years midnight and was up when the kids got home from school it can be done!

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He does not need 12+ hours of sleep. He is full of shit lmao.

The longer he’s on that shift, the more adjusted he’ll get and he’ll start sleeping less. My husband works swing shift, two weeks of days, two weeks of nights, and when he’s on nights he’s sleeping 12 hours on his first week, and maybe 6-7 on his second week. It’s a hard shift on the body mentally and physically, and it can take it’s toll on relationships. My husband and I have a hard time everytime he’s on nights unfortunately

I worked 12 hr nights as a nurse(60 hrs in a week). I didn’t have the luxury to sleep past 2 pm. I had to get up & run to daycare to pick up 1 kid, rush home to make supper, etc & get back to town by 6:30 pm to start work again. I don’t know what he does but I’d say he needs to help out.

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I would be more upset by his response than him not spending time with you and the kids, “why don’t you just kick me out and do us both a favor” that’s messed up, it sounds like he wants to leave and may be sleeping longer than normal to avoid spending time with the family.

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I was an awful person and mom the very short time I worked over nights. My husband REFUSES for me to work nights. You really have to work on what is good for you and him.

No he doesn’t need to sleep 12 hours he definitely isn’t a midnighter! If that’s all you can do is work and sleep…your on the wrong shift!

He’s probably suffering from a form of depression. I worked 10pm to 7am before and would get home and sleep the entire day until work the following night because my ex was at work when I wasnt. I got depressed because I never really had time to spend with her because I was at work when she was asleep and she was at work while I was asleep. So sleeping the entire day just seemed to push the time away until I could get a day off to do things I wanted to with her.

Just check in on his mental health and see if he’s willing to stay up at least until 11am to do something with you or the kids. I didn’t start staying up until 11 or 12 after 3rd shift until my ex moved over to third shift so we could spend time together.

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Switching to a night shift is really hard especially as you get older. Let him adjust for a bit longer and he will probably sleep less as time goes on.

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Same here. My husband is working shifts. It really is very exhausting.

Hey mama
I know it’s hard and I know your doing the best you can. My husband just started a new government job about 3 weeks ago. He works from 5pm to 6 or 7 am the next day. He sleeps from 9am until around 1 or 2 pm. Alot of days it’s a struggle for us because we have 5 kiddos and it takes alot to keep them quiet through the day so he can sleep. He doesn’t help me much with anything because he had to be gone by 4. The selfish parts of me wants to let him have it however I keep in mind that he does this job and these long hours for our family. It’s a new schedule and I want more time with him. When he can help me, it’s to a bare minimum because he has to sleep or he is only able to shower, eat etc before having to get in the car and drive that long distance to get there. I know things feel hard and I know it feels unfair but I would like to encourage you to give him some more time. 3rd shift is hard time and it’s an adjustment. Hopefully soon you guys can fall into a routine but also keep in mind he is doing this for you and the family. Hugs and love :two_hearts:

I worked from 11pm to 7am and it was horrible, I never fully adjusted. I was always fatigued and exhausted.

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It’s what he said to her, is the problem. He didn’t have to be so hateful. But I’d take that as a big hint .

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That sounds like a job for someone single or with no family, he needs to make his decisions always thinking how they affect the rest of the members of the family, is it possible for him to get another job??? Is he willing to??

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To be honest with you this is kind of a difficult situation because everyone’s body is different some people can work 3rd Shift and wake up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon ready to go some people cannot do it at all their body just will not allow them and then there’s some people that can do it but it takes time for their body to get used to it and another factor would be how physical is his work because it’s one thing to get off of work tired it’s another to get off of work tired and worn out so depending on how physical his job is he may need that extra sleep… but just keep in mind that at least he has a job and he is trying to provide for the family… this is actually common for couples that have children where the man Works 3rd Shift and the woman is a stay-at-home mom or truck drivers who have to spend a great deal of time away from the home jobs like these need patience and understanding.

Bet he is sleeping at night on nights off. May be have him try getting up and b our earlier or spending and hour when he gets home. Did nights for 20 years. Honey its hard. I fell asleep on hard wooden bench at high school basketball game.

I would say maybe he needed an adjustment period but that can’t be long term.

Give him a chance to adjust! Some people don’t do well on night shift! Some people only need minimum sleep or some need lots! Honestly it’s hard on him! And for his remarks towards you are probably not the correct ones but he may be struggling and doesn’t need u on his back! Appreciate he is doing this for your family and support him!

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Sounds like a SAHM that wants her cake and eat it too. He probably feels under appreciated cause he works then comes home to you giving him crap for sleeping. Why did he take this job ? Is he the only bread winner ? If so he feels like he may be only there for the bills. Or he stressing out that he has alot of bills and knows it’s only up to him. I worked overnights 12 plus hours 6 days a week I found it hard to adjust with day life. So I stayed up till about 12pm and slept till 9 . But then the house was always noisy and chaotic. Now do you provide a quiet house while he sleeps? If not that could explain the long sleep cycle. He may not be hitting that rem sleep. Women who gripe cause there man works is mind boggling to me.

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No no the hell you aint. I dont care. I am disgusted with how some of you people are on here. When i worked nights 6 days a week. I had to work my shift get off eat shower go to bed get up after MAYBE 5 or 6 hours of broken as sleep help my at the time bf with his mom help clean the house pray i get a nap then drag my ass back in to do it all over again. There is no reason for him to talk to you like that or act like that. He is a father he is a husband a worker and many more fucking things but you are a mom you work from the time you get up to the time you go to mother fucking bed. Youre a nurse a cook a maid and many more things. Poor baby you have a job and you have to work cry me a river please. My father has been all my life. My mom has worked 10 to 12 hour shifts then came home to cook clean get us bathed help with homework be our rock only for my father to belittle her. So no momma you are not over fucking reacting and anyone on here that thinks she is is closed minded and ridiculous.

I worked graveyards for years and yes, it kills you, makes you age faster, is so hard to stay awake. It takes over a year to adjust to the schedule.

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Adjusting to a new shift like that is extremely hard on your body mentally and physically. Give it some more time and he will get in the groove of things. My husband used to work 3rd shift and would leave at 7pm and be home between 8 and 9am. It was very hard for me to basically do it all. But after a couple months he figured out a good schedule for himself to be more active in the house. Now, my concern would have been his response to you. That was very uncalled for and maybe you guys need to discuss where that came from.

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I’d be more upset as to how he responded… but no he doesn’t need to sleep 13 hours to work 8 hours… I do the same shift and break my sleep up to help my s/o with our kids and things that need to be done around the house. They need breaks too! Some people can’t handle night shift but still no excuse to react like that! Maybe he does need time to adjust and hopefully when he does it’ll get better…

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I worked from 8 at night to 8 in the morning all I did was sleep…shower…work…repeat…it was exhausting

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What is he like on his days off? If he avoids the family on his days off, then yes I would act the same way. My husband works 12 hour shifts and when he does work nights, I will let him sleep as long as he wants during the day. And he will make up for hanging out with the family on his days off. I do agree that you are overreacting just a little bit but at the same time I do see your point too. He is probably just trying to get adjusted to having that type of shift so yes he will be tired.

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My son used to work 12 hours shifts at nighttime and used to sleep most of the days. It knocks your body clock around. Would you prefer him to have no sleep and have a accident at work

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