Been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years. Out of the 15 years we have been together he has cooked maybe 5-6 times. He knows how to cook but never ever offers or comes in the kitchen to help. If I don’t cook we don’t get a home cooked meal. He resorts to fast food if I’m not in the mood to cook. He later complains about how much money we have spent on fast food. I’ve been dealing with major depression and anxiety and he has been supportive with that. But never offers to help cook, clean, or do anything unless he is asked. When I ask him to take out the garbage or recycling…it will sit there. Even though he says “I’ll do it in a bit.” Asking him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I end up more upset because he doesn’t do it or doesn’t do it right away. I don’t know if it’s old school logic or something. He grew up seeing his father be the bread winner and his Mom did all the cooking and cleaning plus took care of the children. How can I change someone so set in their ways? He always says he is tired but we both work during the day and I’m tired too. I feel so burnt out and tired of doing everything. Why can’t he help!? I don’t know if i wrote this for support or to vent or both- we also have two young children. I don’t want my Son growing up thinking the Woman has to cook/clean/take care of the children and everything else. I don’t want my daughter to think she has to do this either.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband won't cook and I don't like it!
The only thing you can do is file for divorce cause you cant change him
you said unless asked? start tasking him! hey dear cut these onions for me please. love can you stir the pan while I cut the chicken
Teach him to use the slow cooker as him to grill food
I think all men do this
I see so many stories from women just like this. It’s a shame.
Men do this unless we ask to help …
Mine just pretty much refuses to help with anything!
Treat him like a kid. It sucks having to ask but better that than nothing at all
Also, maybe he’ll try to do crock pot meals. Easy
As annoying as it is just ask for help. My husband is the same way. If I don’t feel like cooking then I guess it’s a pizza night. Try asking and see if he helps at least. If he does, then maybe he’s just a one track mind type guy. If he doesn’t or refuses, that’s a bigger problem.
Maybe you need to have a come to Jesus with him. Lay it all out on the table and let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him that you both work the exact same amount of hours and he needs to help in the house with the housework as well, it can’t be one person does it all. Let him know that you can do this alone, if he doesn’t want to help.
I guess l’m lucky. My husband cooks( somethings better than me) and has certain things that only he cooks. He will cut onions and tomatoes for me and do whatever else l need help with. Heceas a stay at home Dad while l worked full time( no longer working) so he did most of the cooking. Now that l’m no longer working l do most of the cooking but he helps.
Same here. But mine does do the laundry and takes out the trash. I told him once a week he has to get us pizza if he isn’t gonna cook at least one night a week…
My b/f never tryed my cookin been together 17 yrs
That’s when you look him dead in the eye and tell him things need to change and explain that you are exhausted and really need more help from him. Being straight forward stern to the point that he can see the frustration in your face and tell him that you need to see a change you can’t keep going like this. He needs to know you are at your breaking point
It’s all men… mine tells me all the time, ask cause I can’t read your mind! Well, I feel as though I shouldn’t have to ask this far in marriage… he should ask if i need help or just jump on in and try… i get it. We have 4 kids… trash piles up, overflowing and no one seems to sees it but mom dishes piles in sink no one wants to put them in the dishwasher or unloaded dishwasher. Laundry basket filled with clean clothes needing folded and put away… all awhile mom is cooking for everyone… it’s a broken record here, I ask, tell, complain…. repeat… 😵💫:weary:
Sit down with him and have a discussion about how he isn’t doing his part. It takes two ppl working together to run a home.
He isn’t doing his part.
Be honest and firm about things. When he complains about eating out and the cost reiterate it was a choice, he could have easily cooked a meal…
Also maybe make a chart/menu and take turns cooking the meals and then have days where you do it together.
Just be honest about how you require more help from him and that the “doing it later” response means it doesn’t get done.
I’m sorry but he is not supportive of your anxiety and depression if he isn’t helping with the household load. You cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. And after 15 years… I don’t think it’s going to be any different in another 15…
I have been married for 17 years but my hubb never ever cooked or help in kitchen works only once hav scrapped coconut
I’d quit my job and be like fine if I have to cook and clean and do house wife shit I’ll be a housewife. See how fast he changes his tune after that.
My husband will cook if I ask, he also does chores if I ask. I work part time and he works full-time, we have a toddler and I’m pregnant.
You’ve let him get comfortable doing it now🤷♀️ 15 years
Let him cook n feed himself…
U been with this man for 15 years and just complaining or wanting advice now its too late to change him now should’ve been done years ago he should help with chores around the house since both of u work
You have choices, ask/tell/demand his assistance with help in cooking/cleaning/watching kids or anything else which needs his assistance. Two make the work seem like an accomplishment. One, frustration.
You have three kids not two.
Match his energy. Cereal for dinner, wash your dishes and clothes. Make food for yourself and your son. He will either get the hint or he won’t.
Have you told him how you feel? You’ve been letting him get away with this for 15 years! You have taught him that this is ok with you. Have a serious conversation with him. If nothing changes cook enough food for you and your children and let him fend for himself. He’s an adult he will figure it out. If you don’t want to put up with it anymore then leave
Same boat baby:sob:
And it’s exhausting and frustrating. I’m not your maid!
Tell him times have changed. You don’t stay at home all day like his mother did, you both work. So you both put equal efforts in with household chores. Sometimes men are oblivious and you have to spell it out for them🤷🏻♀️
Sad. I love to cook. I do a majority of the cooking in our house.
Make enough for yourself and the kids. Let him fen for himself. And stick to your guns.
Only clean and launder your things and the kids. Stop doing it for him.
My husband doesn’t cook, never has, he might of put in a frozen pizza once in 37 years. If I say something about him cooking the answer is where do you want to eat.
Another reason marriage is unappealing to me, you should have told him years ago I’m not your mama either help me or kick rocks
Why does he have to do it right now because that’s what you want? If you want the garbage taken out and he doesn’t then leave it. Or say before you go to bed can you take out the garbage? My hubby does cook, so do I. We often double up stuff and freeze half. When no one wants to cook unthaw. Or resuse. Left over taco meat or cut up smoked sausage goes in a box of dirty rice for dinner. And find some one pan meals. Allrecipies has some great ones that take less than 20 minutes to fix. We love the chicken with green beans and potatoes rolled in italian dressing and olive oil. Less than 10 minutes to fix and bakes in about 40 minutes. Dinner doesn’t have to be a big deal. Find a method that works for you.
Hire someone to come in do light cleaning and cooking 3 times a week.
You’ll get a break and he’ll have to pay for someone else to do it for him, he’ll get the point of how serious it is.
My boyfriend has maybe cooked once but he does BBQ. He basically sweeps the floor (I cook and do dishes) and hell vacuum after the monkey goes to bed. Garbage if I don’t. But while school is out (I work in a school part time), he makes more money. I’m at the house much more than he is too.
Honestly just start cooking you and your kids food. Clean only you and your kids mess. Do only you and your kids laundry. Leave the garbage and recycling where it sits after asking him to do it.
Unfortunately he gets his way every time you cave and fix, clean, cook, etc. Cut him off from wifely duties if he doesn’t give you equal husband duties.
Stay strong momma!!!
When he tells you he’s tired tell him you are too; but that hasn’t stopped you from babying his ass for 15 years?? Tell him if he wants you to do it all, he can find a way to provide so that you can stay home all day to do it. If not, he can nut up and do his half.
I went on silent strike. I cleaned up after just myself and let the mess accumulate after a week I told asked if he sees all that I do now that I’ve quit doing it. And if he wanted it clean he’d have to help. Worst part is I ran a dayhome for 6 years and it was seen as my mess to clean from my work. Well I don’t do that anymore and the house gets just as messy…that was an eye-opener. Now he helps out and sometimes without being asked because he knows how upset it makes me now. Good luck girl. Stand up for your feelings. They are valid.
His mother brought him up that way and youve put up with it for 15yrs. He probably doesn’t understand what you’re complaining about seeing you’ve done it for so long
Ask him to do something and leave it till he does.
If he refuses to cook…dont cook
Youre both working and he should be helping…he wont be long catching on if the place is a mess and there’s no dinner ready .
I don’t think he’s going to change. You left him 15 years ago. He’s not going to anything my own mother did the same thing it was her job to cook clean and take care of the children. I still do all that. It’s not wrong it’s life. Mabye ask yourself on why you taken him back. But if he isn’t going to help just cook for you and the kids and out left overs in the fridge
Stop doing it all he’ll figure it out or he would go without
This isn’t 50/50 he needs to step up or you leave . Teach your son to do all these things he’s not going to learn them from your husband
Stop doing everything… do what’s necessary for you and your kids… hes a grown man and if he wants to stop spending money on fast food then he’ll start cooking if hes hungry… work on your mental health because nothing will change if you don’t… one of my favorite sayings is “if you do what you’ve always done, then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”… you cant expect him to change if you’re not doing anything to change… also, communication is key… just asking him to do something is not communication… if you ask and awhile goes by, then tell him he didn’t take out the trash like he said he would (don’t say like you asked him to because then it seems like it’s only on your terms, if he said he would then he agreed and it’s on his terms)… relationships are successful with 3 key things: honesty, communication, trust… I struggle to communicate at times, I can come off as demanding or domineering… when I reword what I want to say, it comes out better and the results are in everyone’s favor…
It Would Seem That You Married A Boy Not A Man. A Boy Expects Others To Do For Him. A Man Seeks To Be An Example Of Service To Others.
Hire a maid… it takes the stress off of you and its really not that expensive if you think about what your time is worth
Guess if you both get hungry You will good
I’ve been with mine 20 years and he’s never cooked me dinner once, he orders take out instead
Reading some of these posts makes me happy to know I am so blessed with my husband. Most of the time he will start cleaning when he sees me cleaning. Maybe 20% of the time I have to ask but rest of the time he’s on it. He cooks on his days off, Helps take care of the kids our kids are older tho, Does laundry, fills the dishwasher etc. Now the trash is another story lol. I worked for a year and 3 months and just recently quit my job. Now I babysit a few kids through the week to make rent. He still pitches in. I say if you can not get your man to help, stop doing everything for them. Don’t do their laundry, don’t cook for them, don’t clean up after them. Eventually they are going to get tired of the mess and clean it up hopefully.
Yell him to shape up or ship out. Don’t do everything for him like he’s a child. He is an adult and apart of the family. He needs to contribute to the relationship and work as a team member.
A lot of males think us women should do things in the house even when we tired out our work never end if you have kids we mothers, teachers,nurses,doctors, chefs,the one that makes choices,laundry n put away clothes exhausting n it does get to feel like it’s something is expected of you but if u got a partner then he should help you talk to him tell him ur not a maid but that how u feel n take out is not healthy so he can cook n help more n mean it don’t say it n not stick with it they just go bck to not helping men is like children got to be told some of them lol
You knew this when got married
Teach your children that it’s not a gender thing both male and female clean and cook ex. As far as ur husband stop cleaning his laundry and his stuff. Cook just enough for them kids and he can send for himself
Time to sit down and split All the household chores right down the middle. (If he’s in charge of yard work, you’re in charge of laundry, maybe split cooking one week on, one week off, etc.) You Both work outside the home and he needs to understand how unfair and taxing it is to have it All pushed onto you. Expectation negates Appreciation, meaning, if DH is Expecting all the house work to be your responsibility only, he’s also not appreciating all you do. Put the foot down, before the stress effects your health, good luck
Sound like you just need something to bitch about.divorce him then and see who has to do all the cooking then.or maybe go out and fix something on the car or the washing machine,i’m sure your anxiety and depression has had no effect on the other people in the house so suck it up and stop with the poor me poor me attitude.
You should always feel like you’re a team with your SO/husband. If one of his coworkers/boss at work asked for help with something, would he help? I would hope so. He should maybe try to realize it also applies at home. You’re not a SAHM that “works” for the household (even then, Moms need help) so once you’re home together, chores around the house should happen together or be divided up. Try to have a calm, sit-down discussion with him. If he’s the type to get defensive, say “this isn’t a fight, it’s a call for help… I really need you to help me” and then explain exactly what you’d like him to do. Good luck.
Are these post for real?
These ppl kill me?
Tell him either he starts helping you with cooking or you won’t cook for him anymore.
No more sex for him.
Explain to him nicely how you need a bit of help.
You need to have a honest conversation with your husband about how you feel and let him know you need help
Might be the odd girl out here but………get over yourself. You want to be mad about something that’s always been this way for 15 years?
Clearly he does not like to cook, you have known that over a decade. You can’t expect him to change now.
If you ask him to cook and her refuses, ask him to compromise by helping with a daily task he doesn’t hate as much.
This could have been avoided if you said something 15 years ago.
Get a cleaning person to come in. Prepare meals on Saturday for the next week. Have him watch the children while you do that.
On Sundays make all the meals for a week or longer and plan the meals out for the week or a month. And have days you may cook a pizza or leftovers.
Hire a housecleaner 1 day a week.
Leave. It’s not your job to raise a grown man as well as you’re children. 15 years is waiting too long on someone to shape up
Stand your ground honey!! He probably won’t change but you need to TRY!!
You are describing my first marriage…with the addition that he didn’t have energy for anything household or child related, but all the energy in the world for his sports, his friends, his family (mine was an “obligation” to him) etc etc etc. My experience has shown me that an awful lot of men are this way. On the other hand, you have to lighten up a little! Just because he doesn’t jump when you say jump, and this bothers you speaks volumes
I think you could benefit from marriage counseling and improving your communication techniques, BOTH OF YOU. If he refuses to go, then you go, and learn how to value yourself.
Say u need to talk. Calmly explain that u would like more help and team work in the House. Explain you are also tired after job. Approach in a understanding way but enough to make him serious about the topic. Or start by asking for his help in the kitchen while cooking. Split some chores and stick to it. If nothing works then show him ur not happy with how things are going. 🤷
Lost my husband of 34 years to cancer…6 years ago…all men r same not just him…its way they were raised…3 years after my hubby passed I got with guy still with him but I will never ever ever live together…I’m clean freak…no happening…I told him deal with it or leave🤣I’m not cleaning up after man again…he dont do nothing either after work…I will not let him move in I will not clean his house hell no…got my own I raised 5 kids I’m tired not doing it…mows his grass once month …not very pretty…but really I would give him.taste dont cook or set days for u and days for him cook when he gets tired fast food he help out…good luck we all need it right?
Robbie Hellard do u have another wife I don’t know about ?
You want to change him now after 15 years?
I mean…I get the frustration but, perhaps this should have been figured out well before now.
Maybe let go a little, you do you and what you need to do for your sanity and just let him be him.
Start teaching your son now that housework is for boys and girls. Set up a schedule with your hubby so he cooks a few days out of the week. Get easy to prepare meals
Throw away the whole man…lol
I do less now as a single person with two kids than I did with a significant other. It was so much more than just him not pitching in, but it adds more stress. For sure.
My husband never cooked … some men don’t
he is never going to change. you gonna have to leave.
Have you laid it out fo him like you just did here? I agree that I wouldn’t want my kids seeing a marriage where the man and woman both work during the day but the mom us solely responsible for the housework. That’s absolutely not right. Talk to him…if he wont do his share find out how much it will cost to pay an outside person to do it and give him the bill.
Do you mow the lawn? Do you offer to mow? I bet he wishes you would volunteer. If he don’t do it, he has to pay someone.
It’s taken 15 years for you to finally be fed up with this? Maybe it doesn’t bother you as much as you think it does that’s a long time to not come to some sort of solution or compromise
Hell if you are practically doing it all yourself already… You may as well just do it all yourself. 🤷
That’s men…I’m going to say 90% of them. I’m ok with doing all that, but when I’m so tired I’ll ask him to cook that night or he’ll spring for take out without complaint of money. If I could get him to do the laundry…he’d be f*cking perfect. Lol. He will fold on occasion I work over and tell him hint there’s laundry in the dryer. Otherwise I do it. I know where everything goes and I want it done right. Damn OCD
And just so you know. NO. Not all men are like this. That would have been a deal breaker from the beginning. Because that is your PARTNER. But it’s more like you are his mom or maid. I strongly believe in partnerships. Working together on all fronts to have a safe a healthy household ya know? It’s 100% possible. With the right person. Don’t think you have to stick around in shit because that’s all there is.
Been there done that, he isn’t going to change.
Leave it till he does ,
This may come of harsh, but does he do anything else? He might not cook or take out the trash, but does he mow the lawn, service the car, take care of the plumbing, fix appliances? If he does none of that then I can see the frustration. However, if he does do those things, and you are not going outside to mow the lawn and change the oil in the car, ect without being asked or even after being asked, then you have no higher ground than he does.
The reason guys don’t usually cook and whatnot, is because they assume you will take care of it while they take care of the house, car, ect.
While people claim there shouldn’t be gender roles (I agree by the way) they do exist and seem to only be called out when people get tired of their role, but they never want to do what the other does.
I guess he would starve
Do u now the lawn, clean the gutters, repair the cars, clean the garage? I betting u don’t. Trade u do the lawn. And all it entails and he can cook. I bet you’ll change ur tune real fast
My ex helped with laundry dishes he couldn’t cook much so I did most of that
Oh wow. My boyfriend is lazy at times, but I’m ashamed to say he does like 75 percent of the cooking! I clean though.
Give him an ultimatum!!
You can’t change him all you can do is change how you react to you need to adjust your standard or go crazy with it if you don’t feel like cooking order those meals being sent to your house and you stick them in the oven simple my life isn’t like I would necessarily want it to be as I can but I’ve made adjustments
I just tell my husband (usually about 2x month), “you’re cooking tonight” lol, and he does! or he orders in lol, but at least I don’t have to pay for it lol
First off…you mention he’s supportive of your depression and anxiety…umm, sounds like he’s part of the reason why your depressed and part of your anxiety. He should help you…he’s your partner in life. Have a serious conversation with him…which you may have done already. Marriage is a 50/50 deal.
JUST bitch all DAY long but I mean bitch bitch and some more bitching and raise your voice that always helps mE when I need things done …lol
I can’t cook much but my boyfriend does. I’ll buy him food and take him out as a treat tho he loves to cook.
He has been like this for 15. He was probably like this before you married him. They don’t change