Get a job and give him the child care bill. His choice. If he doesn’t trust you he shouldn’t have married.
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Save up as much as you can from the “allowance” you recieve and put it into your own account. Start talking to a lawyer or therapist. Document everything he says and does, and give it to that lawyer. This is a form if abuse and there can be legal action. Being a SAHM I understand the difficulty of finding a job. Does he force you/want you to stay home or was that your choice? If he will allow you to get a job, get one, but make sure he pays for childcare (by law he will be required to help with that so he can’t force you to pay for it). Most importantly, though, you need to start getting help.
Run as fast as you can and never look back! You are better off alone then with a man that listens to his Mother! He should respect his Mother, but your wishes should come FIRST, men like that do not change. Xoxo Good luck!
Copy the scripture in Genesis that states a man will leave his mother & father & he & his WIFE shall become 1…or pack his bags so momma can take care of him…prayers for you.
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If you are able find a way to make money of your own and have your own account. There are many reasons for women to not be able to do so.
I’ve heard of many ways women have figured out how to survive a situation where they are so controlled they have no choice but to be brave and risk discovery to get out.
I hope no one ever has to choose to risk their life to be rescued. It’s wrong, it’s evil, it should never happen.
That said there is nothing wrong with someone having money only they can access. My husband has a savings account I can not touch. It is not the only savings account and I am great full because I’m bad at saving money. I have my own part time job and my own accounts. I manage my own money and try to remember there is more to life than money and things
So if your husband were to become sick, get injured, or God forbid, pass away, where would that leave you? Terrifying to have no access to funds or any real understanding of your family’s financial status. You are totally under his control. This is not a healthy way to live your life. Recommend marriage counseling. If husband unwilling, find a way to go on your own.
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Because you’ve only been married 1 year, seek counseling immediately with or without him. You need a professional to make you strong and confident that this is not acceptable. Interference from his Mother should be out of the question!
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Get a job however you can. Open up your own account. And let him know that you are a viable person in this home. He will probably not ever change. So you need to decide what you are willing to accept.
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Well dear get a little job open your own account that way you don’t have to continue struggling! You can do it! If you’re gonna leave the marriage anyway it’s time you start becoming dependent! That’s sad that he’s not providing for you! Good luck dear
Hes controlling and cant stand up for himself. Not a good situation. Maybe ask him to go financial counseling with you, that way you both have the same info and tell him he can trust you. Ask him to marriage counseling. Definitely need to have a talk with him. The marriage is between you and him, not you, him and his mom. If shes not toxic in other ways and can back off this then shes welcome in your lives but these kinds of things need to stay between you and him. Tell him he needs to trust you. Without that, you will never have a happy and successful marriage
I agree. Cause what is his is also mine. And momma needs to mind her own business. That will end a marriage faster than anything.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership it doesn’t sound like you have that try to make arrangements for you to get out
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Leave . He and his Mother have all the control. Don’t let him know your plans. Hopefully you have family that can help. If not contact a women’s shelter. God bless you. And good luck
THAT’S ABOUT IT! HE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS MARRIED TO. My husband and I figured out early on that a single bank account did not work for us. We both had access to it but we never knew what the other had done,so now we both have an account and money for bills goes in mine. I make sure the bills are paid and we each keep up with our on accounts. If my husband chose to listen to his Mama over me I would not stay with him. However I strongly advise you to be the wife he can trust!
You have a legal and marital contract that gives you full access to everything. You take the marriage certificate to the bank, you may not be able to remove anything without both signatures but you can have your name put on any account and view it.
It’s easy for you all to say “get a job, do some type of home business, leave him”. Yes, I agree she should leave, but guys, we don’t know if this woman doesn’t have where to go, specially without a job. It’s not that simple and easy to find a job to work from home. I would say, have a conversation with him, about you wanting to find a job, that you want to help around and earn your own money, that you can’t stay at home with no income at all and no support from your husband. That you are his wife, not his maid, nannie or chef. If he doesn’t understand that, well then let him know you’re not being happy, that’s not what you imagined marriage to be and I guess divorce will have to be considered. And if it occurs, then I hope you get some type of family of friend support where you can stay at and find a job in a community that doesn’t require a car for the moment, and you will slowly grow. I wish you all the best.
Tell u from experience; never depend on a man for anything or anyone. Become independ by getting a job and open your own account. Walk to your job! I did once. And as far as MIL quit talking to her and do your thing! If you have a will u have a way! And divorce him! Find who you are again! You are Gods child! God bless and pray for u!
You need to make plans to leave this situation because it will NEVER change and before you know it your whole life will be over. Stay at home mom or not you still work and it should both of your monies. If he listens that much to his mom and does what she says then you need to leave cause you are definitely not in a marriage.
You must have known things before
Why did you even consider this union
we can never change anyone but ourselves
He is a control freak
get out before you have children
Value yourself
he is living in prior decades where women were subservient to men
Run as fast as you can
He will also stop your friendships family ties and most important he will try to erase your essence
Mommy will always be # 1
That’s not a marriage. That’s a prison sentence. Where’s the trust? Hes abusive in a way that doesn’t have to be a physical hands-on. Three in a marriage, you , him, and his mama, is not what marriage is about. You need to have a heart to heart with him and give him an ultimatum. If that fails, save yourself heartache and get you and the children out asap.
I was in the same situation except his Dad controlled him. You should be treated as his equal! Everything should be joint and children get allowances! After 12 years Daddy said he should leave me so he did. Don’t let anyone control you ever! Be strong!
Believe it or not this is a form of abuse. You are married so in the eyes of the law what’s his is yours and you should at least have access to the $$. Even if he pays the bills and there is a tight budget you need to be able to feed your family of something happens to him. It’s going to be a difficult conversation especially if his mother is sticking her nose into it but you need to do this. If he insists on this allowance issue then ask for a larger one and open an account for yourself so you can at least control that $$ or even consider some kind of work at him job where you can make your own.
Ok to begin the money he makes is the family’s money if he is the only one making the money. That being said how you handle that is a conversation yall have to have between yall .
He could give you an an " allowance" . Nothing wrong with that at all as long as it covers when you need for the house etc . Also he should give you some " personal" cash you can use on whatever you want.
Another option is to have a joint account you have access to but he would still have to give you a limit on how much you spend.
In our relationship we have a joint account. My wife doesn’t know how much money I make , what and when our bills are due , and I don’t give her an allowance or limit. Every weekend she makes a grocery list and I go get what she wrote down . Then she asks me for anything g extra ( like last week she wanted to buy a futon and a TV for our extra bedroom) . Etc . Like I said she does have access to the joint account and I wont go crazy if she spends some money as long as it’s not a big unnecessary purchase
Keep in mind if you stay your child is learning this is how to live .if you have a boy he will treat women and you the same , if you have a girl, she will allow the same treatment . Get out.
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Get a job and get out. It’s going to be so hard but this is not a healthy situation. Do it quietly. Do not let him know the real reason you want to work outside the home. If you cannot become financially independent reach out to women’s help centers. This is a very controlling situation and these are the situations that often turn violent.
It really depends on if there is reason for that. My son’s ex would spend his entire paycheck on unnecessary things, then there wouldn’t be money for the bills. She would get an early start shopping on his payday. So if one party is not good with money, the other has to be.
Make a plan to leave darling, it doesn’t get any easier. My kids dad did the same thing to me, I could use the card to go to the store but he didn’t look at the receipts, so I would do a cash back of $20 dollars, or buy a gift card to stash back. I would also use coupons, and take them to the store with the receipt and they would give me the cash back. It was so sad, to be a grown woman that had to ask her spouse for money.
Leaving was the best thing I did.
That’s not good. Hes controlling and isolating you. Get a job, open your own account, save money and buy a car. Start saving as much money as you possibly can. Put somewhere that’s not in your bank account where he can find it. You’re going to need that money. There’s so many red flags here it’s frightening.
Sorry but it seems to be a "Controlling " situation. I would seek advice and help from family or friends.
This is a control issue! First of all his mother needs to tend to her own house. Secondly, give him a deadline for change. If it doesn’t happen, you need to make a choice. Leave and or get a job!
Sorry, but it sounds to me like he’s a control freak. I hope there’s no domestic violence in the mix. There probably were signs early on. Now you have to decide if it’s worth it. I would advise a counselor
Oh no. My husband works, i stay at home. We both have a bank card for our bank account. He carries mine, i carries his even tho he works, i physically pay all bills and tun all errands, to get out of the house.
Divided house won’t stand,get a job and treat him as he has you. Don’t tell him what you making an hour. Save and find you a home you can have some control over.
I have no tolerance sorry. Do you. Never depend on a man to live! For Gods sake don’t have any more children. If you don’t become self sufficient it will hurt you and your child for life.
You are not his child there for you dont need an allowance, you are his wife and deserve to have access to what you need for the house, your mother in law needs to quit sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. He sounds controlling 100% I’ve been married for 8 years and my husband gives me his card no questions asked. If I tell him I need him to get something on his way home he will stop and get it. You need to put your foot down and tell your husband that you aren’t his child you are his wife and deserve the respect of being such and tell your mother in law to mind her own business. If they wonr listen u need to leave unfortunately
He’s a super control freak who’s listening and abiding by his mama’s wishes. She probably would like your marriage to break up. If your husband can’t realize who’s his partner now…he’ll never figure it out and your MIL will be controlling your life too. Run for the hills. Unless you want to relinquish your freedom and pride.
That is extremely controlling behavior. Regardless of whether it’s his mother or him it is unhealthy for you. You mention that you are a SAHM, witnessing this type of behavior will give your children the wrong expectation of what a healthy relationship is. If you have a daughter this is what she will accept as normal and healthy for a relationship and will end up in a similar situation. If you have a son he will also accept this as expected and will treat his wife the same way. I would have a serious talk with your husband. Explain to him how this makes you feel and ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he is unwilling to discuss it or consider counseling then it’s time for you to make a decision: stay in the relationship and continue to live trapped by what he allows you do to, or you pack yourself and your children up, leave and file for divorce.
Find your voice and even that relationship out. I had the same issue and it took several years to earn each others trust but now we are good. I would use our high maintenance friends as examples like do you think your buddy so-and-so restricts his wife’s spending? I would add up things like his sisters highlighted hair and tell him how much the it costs and do you think her husband tells her no ? Find his weak spot … maybe say use his father as an example… if he did that to his mother?
First there are a few good paying work at home positions you can get, follow up with Intuit and Amazon. If he still objects you need to one accept the fact abuse comes in many forms and doesn’t just go away. Start making an exit plan, I speak from experience and one of the best decisions of my life.
You knew this was how he was PRIOR to getting married…you set the expectation that it was tolerable. Leave the relationship if you are unhappy but you can’t expect him to change when he’s been this way the whole time…
Honey that aint no marriage, its supposed to be a partnership between husband and wife not husband and mommy
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Sounds like he either doesn’t trust you… Or he has something to hide. I’d get out quick !
Well you didn’t have a car when he married you, or a job or money of your own apparently. Did you get married just to have him take care of you. Women don’t do that any more. Grow a pair (so it’s said) & don’t depend on any man to take care of you!!
Leaving sounds about right! You’ve known him for 5 years… didn’t you see the red flags! Leave now because it’s not going to get better! He is controlling AND abusive!
This situation doesn’t sound like it will change to be honest. His mother’s involvement like that is a major issue besides the fact he seems to be controlling. You have to ask yourself can you live the rest of your life like this? Especially with children.
He is controlling! If you have help and family support, since you have children, I would leave. The situation will never get better unless you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy and miserable.
Be careful my x did that he had more money then he let on we had n also accounts I didn’t know about.He was screwing around spending household money on this person. Account i put money into to help with household bills.that is a sign of control n dishonesty. You have the right to know how much and where money is going !! Hes not letting you be involved hes hiding something !! When he finally decided to dump me for his new woman I was totally screwed. Never trust a man who does not allow you to know whats going on. Marriage is a partnership what would happen if he suddenly died or was badly injured in a accident you’ll have no access to accounts . I trusted my x blindly n boy was that a mistake never again
From a man’s perspective, no real man would ever pull this stunt. I’m not one to be so quick to say leave, but if he doesn’t want to share the financial information, you should get a job yourself. I would certainly be setting aside me time to further my education and make myself marketable on some level. Typically women feel trapped and afraid of the uncertainty of starting over, but if he truly loves you, he’ll make the adjustments, mom be dammed. If not then look for the resources to help you transition from this abusive relationship. Just my humble opinion!
When did this start? After you were married or before? Do you have children together? Honestly, How is your relationship otherwise? Is he loving with financial trust issues or demanding & controlling? What is your credit like? Have you had problems handling money before? I would weigh your relationship very carefully because this is abuse. If you think you should stay, I would find a job so you have some independence. If you cannot do that then I would make a list of everything you need and make him do all the shopping. All of it. Either he will get tired of it and turn some finances over to you, or he will refuse. If he refuses, leave with the child. Your mother in law sounds like she is trying to break up your marriage.
God bless the child that’s got his/her own. My situation used to be the same. I got a job and never looked back
This is not a marriage. You are an indentured servant. You need to let him know that you are his partner with equal access to all or get out.
He needs to make sure you have what you need always far as his bank account that is his sorry honey people break up all the time he just looking out for him sorry but true
Trust me I went through the same thing for 40 years get out you should have access to everything he has not Mama
Get a divorce , life will never change , leave before you stay in it too long , get a man who will trust and honor you not his mother , sorry huh i know its hard but get out while you can and don’t look back !!!
My husband would sneak checks out of the back of the checking account …I was always overdrawn till I figured out what was happening. !! So I finally gave him an allowance which he deserved. A man needs to have spending money for his self esteem. He earned it.
Just leave…its not easy but better than your little prison…honey that’s control and only 1 man has that power…ask God to show you the way…trust him and run…before you cant…
If you can get a home based business, then do it. My husband and I have separate accounts and I have no idea what is in his and he doesn’t know what is in mine. But after living this life, my advice is to get out. If we go out to eat, the first words out of his mouth are…separate checks please.
Simple give him grocery list while he is at work. .next, take your allowance…use little…bank much. My husband did this. I started collecting 50 dollar bills and putting in photo album. He spent his. When full it was 25 pages with three bills to a side. I would pay and open bank account. We did this several times at different banks. Quiet I was!!! We were to move to Do.C. and 5,000 short. Save day…I had him take me to a couple of banks after showing him photo album. He was shocked. Never told him about other two banks. I sent statements to my father’s house. It was his idea. Always protect yourself. Men are not leaving keep in 1950s. I really didn’t understand but did it eventually he also said drive him to work and keep car. Moral…you can’t argue a dinosour down to a lizard, but you can plant a seed and quietly watch it grow into a tree!
My ex was the same. Even after I got more sat, his parents could still veto our decisions. When I got promoted from part time to a full time job and started making double his income, he snapped and tried to kill me and my oldest. I wish I would have known that at the beginning. I would have run then
In this situation I don’t no if you have any choice, but to leave, a controlling husband and his mama, but it also seems you knew before marrying how they both were. I’d be out tho.
You yourself said it - ….“leave…” This is emotional and financial abuse. Does his mother have any reason to mistrust you? Did you ever purchase drugs or alcohol from “his money”. I get the feeling - not! Leave - find a job - you need the companionship of adult company. Find a therapist and good childcare, and strike out to find your best life.
I’ll bet you she has access to all his financials!! Run do not walk away. You did not say if you had family or friends if so seek help.
I stayed with a man for 28 years and it only got worse. It’s a way of controlling you. I’ve been divorced for 8 yrs and have never been happier
Have a friend/family take you job hunting.
And get a job. If he does not like that. Then leave him!
That because they want a slave to control.
Yes it will hurt, but your self preservation is more important, and yes your life as well!
That is why my husband and I have separate accounts. He has his money and I have mine. We split the bills of course, but we do not have access to each money.
If i were you I would get a job and hire a nanny/maid
It is about control. Momma controls son and he is trying to control you. Get out now. Things will not change. If there isn’t trust you won’t make it anyway. Why waste more of your life. Get out before the “abuse” becomes worse. Many forms of abuse and control is one of them.
Leave him, get a job and your own money. And take him to the cleaners in child support. This man is controlling and manipulating your life. No one needs that
There is NO besides honey…do you and tell mamas boy…bye boy if you are going to live a life as if you are alone then be alone stop thinking about the worst that could happen because you are there it will only get worst. Understand this if you don’t do you NOW that tomorrow that you are thinking about trust and believe it will never come. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY MAYBE NOT THE Easiest but you will be your own person. Baby girl do what you have to to be free. Start by making your own money. God bless you can do this I know I was you for 11years with 3 kids.
It’s not the MIL’s marriage or business. She shouldn’t have a say. The money thing sounds controlling and frankly abusive. So long as the money is spent on household needs and frivolous things are mutually discussed, share the money or divorce.
You work too. Find out the going rate for each thing you do, then keep accurate records of the time spent at each task and give him a bill. However, where there is no trust, no loyalty to you over mother, an indifference to your wellbeing and no wish to consider you, there is no marriage. What you are is not a wife but an unpaid laborer. I do not say this lightly, because I believe in the sanctity of marriage (I’ve been married to this amazing guy for over 55 years) but if things do not change, you need to get out. It is not healthy for your child to see this relationship. I strongly recommend marriage counseling but I doubt that his mother will let him go.
There are alternative ways to cope. But the first one is leave and find a lawyer who does pro bono. There are attorneys that will help you.
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It’s a control issue. It’s abuse. If he really loves you, he will go to therapy and leave mother at home. Make yourself a plan.
Your situation isn’t with your mother in law. Your situation is with your husband who chooses to control you with his mother’s blessing. But the fact is HE is choosing to control you, & will continue to do so even without her support. Save some money if you can do it without him knowing. If he finds out he will take it if he can. Find a lawyer who doesn’t know your husband and get some legal advice about marital assets in your state. Then GET OUT. As quickly as you can. Make a plan and find a way to execute it. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be treated like this or allow your children to be raised in this toxic way of life.
This was an issue when I stopped working after our 4th child. You two need to come up with a household budget and put agreed upon money in your bank account. Plus he should give you a small bit of fluff (depending on income and bills) so you can buy personal items, get lunch with a friend or do things that make happy. Maybe suggest 1 day a week you drop him off at work and you set all appointments, grocery shopping and anything you need to do outside of home. Also Mama needs to butt out. That’s just annoying.
It is time to get a part time job. Don’t let him financially control and abuse you. Make your own money and when he complains tell him he is why you are working.
Leave. End of story. At this point you are nothing more than a slave and it won’t change
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Leave him don’t waist your precious time as I did for 36 years he will never change mother in law or not ,I know exactly what you’re going through its all about control and you feel like you’re in prison ,this is not a marriage you’re his slave I feel so bad for you …good luck
Let him know that he has a book in heaven that whatever he does he will answer to every move he makes everything he says and every devious thing he does is written down in the book of laws go into the Bible and you will find out ask him would he do the same to Jesus would he treat Jesus this way your answer would be yes because the way you treat your neighbors the way you treat Jesus and for his mother you let his mother in law know that whatever she is doing to you she will have to answer to God there is no other way but to answer to God and she also has a book in heaven and she needs to repent and stick her nose out of your marriage she has her own marriage it says in the Bible pray and ask God to touch his heart it is a controlling spirit and his mother is horrible for doing this don’t hater forgive her forgive your husband ask the Lord to touch them and ask the Lord to tell you what to do he has all the answers whatever you do do not do it as anger or mad or vengeance because the Lord will take care of this the Lord says vengeance or his and let me tell you he does a better job than we can
I think in the year 2020 you would see this as a big red flag and if your mother in-law things of you this way !! No telling what’s in store for you ! Just saying !!! Think before you leap !! 
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If he wont budge, I’d honestly think about getting out of that marriage. Thats no way to live.
That’s not healthy… I am a SAHM too and my FH is the one working but I share a bank account with him already… I have my own debit card that is linked to his account and can use it freely… you shouldn’t be stuck asking for money as you are just as EQUAL as him even if you are not “working” you are a SAHM which is just as important if not more in my opinion!!!
You’re not a child and if you have talked to him about this before and nothing has changed, then nothing will. In my experience momma’s boy never grow out of that weird clingy stage with their mother. If you have family you can stay at. I would go there, get a job and get a lawyer. You shouldn’t have to ask to use money when you’re married. If he can’t trust you with money then there’s no relationship.
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If he doesn’t change I would recommend leaving. You are saving him money he isn’t paying for a sitter, a cleaner, dinner preparer, a companion. Point out all the things you supply in the relationship. As for the mother in law she needs to get her nose out of your business.
Get a job so you don’t have to depend on him. That way mama has no say and that will piss her off. As far as your husband goes,he’ll change his way of thinking if he wants you to stay home.If he refuses to let you work and doesn’t change his attitude then it’s just a form of control. If you can’t get this nipped in the bud now,it will just get worse til he controls everything.
So what you need to do is when you take the walk for the milk keep it’s not a marriage you’re in it’s a prison
Are you living with his mother my advice is to you get a job get a little Independence and then you can get a car everything doesn’t come at once but your situation will not change if you do not change it explain that to your husband get some kind of job will you can make it little income for yourself there are a lot of stay-at-home jobs you can do right from your own house
Get a job of your own. In this day and age a woman should NEVER be completely dependent on a man. Don’t use an excuse about not having a babysitter either. There are family, friends, neighbors and government daycares that can help. Find something during the day within walking distance, or take the bus.
I didn’t read all the comments but if no one said this the way he is treating you is abuse. Emotional and financial abuse at least and from what you said I suspect verbal too. He acts like he is a parent and you are a child. A marriage is an equal partnership and what you describe is someone wanting to control everything. I suggest at the very least a marriage counselor and if he refuses please contact your local center for domestic abuse or the national hot line 1-800-799-7233. They can help you understand all the different types of abuse and help you make a plan if you decide to leave.
Run, dont walk. Find a therapist. This is called triangulation. Mama will ruin you both eventually. It’s her goal and it won’t ever change because it’s what he allows.
That’s why I have a job and my husband and I have separate accounts, cuz that’s how I like it. Financial independence. Love it
If you don’t have any kids , and if he doesn’t trust you, time for a divorce, I wouldn’t stay with no man that is a mamas boy and she controls what he does, you deserve better than that.
This sounds like an irretrievable situation to me!! And his mother probably is NEVER going to leave your marriage. I would take leave, if it were me, but if kids are involved, that would be a more difficult decision. How long can you live in that ‘prison’?! It is NOT healthy!! And IF there are children involved, it certainly is not an example of a equal, loving, sharing home that they should see and learn from!!
If you didn’t have a clue about him in five years, it’s your own fault for thinking he’d change. I hate mama’s boys!
Run!!! And for the love of God DO NOT have a child with this man!! You will be tied to him (and his mama) forever!! You deserve to be in a normal healthy relationship with a loving and trusting man, neither of which he is. GO!!!
Get a job get a car and be done with it…and dont give him access to ANYTHING!!! most car places at least where I’m from will take a letter of employment and 1 check
Get out! Get away!! It is abuse. He is isolating and controlling you and making you completely dependent on him .
This is not a good relationship…he wants to control here and keep her at home all the time…but you did know how he was and you still married him…if to want to be happy now is the time to leave…
Can you get a job of your own and have your own money if he doesn’t want to share his persay?? I would think this may help you feel independent and maybe he wont be so controlling.
Your married to his mother, and its called narcissism, aka control! Iam in this also but getting ready to leave as soon as i get a break for it, good luck to you getting out! Do it…
This is abuse. Separate from him, set boundaries, get a job, and open your own account.
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